Shooting Stars (1993) s01e05 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity TV quiz, Shooting Stars! And introducing Team A, please welcome Norman Pace! Unctuous, bum-faced Norman, invented the hot cross bun, when he dropped a red-hot crucifix onto a current bun.
Fiercely jealous of his partner Garret's good looks, Norman has injected over 40 000 pounds of collagen into his face.
And, joining Norman on Team A, please welcome Kathy Lloyd! Gorgeous, pouting, bearded model Kathy, has recently tired of her image as a piece of working class crumpet, and has started a company that installs ladies scratching posts in shopping malls throughout the country.
She has her knockers, but WE think she's great! And joining Norman and Kathy, please welcome the captain of Team A: Mister Mark Lamarr.
And introducing Team B, please welcome Gareth Hale.
Bulbous-headed Gareth, grew his moustache in an attempt to look gay.
He's not, of course.
No, he's a macho robotics dance teacher, and can often be seen sweating like a pig in his local scout hut, whilst eager, young cubs bottle up his perspiration and sell it as beer.
Which, basically it is, given the amount he drinks! And joining Gareth on Team B, please welcome Patsy Palmer! Reptilian redhead Patsy, is so prickly, that at school, she was nicknamed "The Whitechapel Dalmatian".
Until she joined the dots on her forearm, to find they spelt "Eastender".
She knew then, she was destined to a life gracing on cockles and whelks, and participating in endless knees-ups.
And now: Please welcome the captain of Team B: Miss Ulrika Jonsson.
And finally, your hosts for this evening: Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer! Welcome to Shooting Stars! Welcome whoever you are! - The stars have been seated - and successfully greeted.
So come along, and let's start Shooting Stars! Oh, yeah! Sit down! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening, and welcome! Welcome, indeed, of evening primrose oil, welcome to you all! - Welcome.
- Welcome to Shooting Stars Not real guns, of course.
Simply my hands.
An easy mistake to make, though.
- That's a good point! - Carry on, carry on, carry on.
Welcome to Shooting Stars, the quiz where we ask REAL human celebrities questions on showbiz matters for cash, or cash equivalent gifts.
That's right, and without any further ado, let's meet the scorekeeper tonight, - ladies and gentlemen: George Dawes! - Oh, yes! Yes! George Dawes, who incidentally IS a baby, and will be playing the drums - and keeping the scores tonight.
- A really, rather big baby.
Ulrika, our team captain from Team B, you've had a baby recently? I have.
And how old is he? I have Uh - Think about it! - It don't matter! About that, yeah.
A few months, something.
- "A few months"? - Yes.
- Bigger than he was, awhile back? - Yes.
That's right, yeah.
Right.
And does he dance, yet? No, he doesn't, you know.
Mmm, he should be about now, really, shouldn't he? A few months.
Let's move on now, and meet team captain of Team A, it's Mark Lamarr! Mmmm, gorgeous Mark Lamarr.
Now then, Mark.
You're a kind of 50's throwback.
Is that right? Didn't I say to you before the program, I'm not doing any banter? All right then, fair enough.
You sit back there and sit with your greasy hair up, or whatever you do on the - Mark? What "banter", Mark? - Listen, no.
Don't talk to him! - Some sort of Indian omelette? - Leave him alone! Now, if you should hear THIS noise during the course of the quiz No worry, it's just Norman's thong giving way under the Giving way of the shear weight of his sweat he's producing, this evening.
And, if you should hear THIS sound Don't worry, it's simply the thing that lives on Gareth's back! Just chomping away at his very flesh.
Let's get on with the quiz! Yes, the rules are quite simple.
There are open rounds, team rounds, and individual rounds.
And on the open rounds we, REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Really wanna see those fingers.
In fact, can we see those fingers now? Let's take a look at those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
You look like you're quite a good fingerer there, Gareth? Sorry, that's being incorrectly phrased, there.
I was awarded a diploma for it, and it hasn't gone to waste, completely.
No, I'm sure it hasn't.
I'm sure you, um, have no need for toilet paper.
Gareth, I wish you'd practice what you preach, and have some Colette's.
Go on, get on with it! You're supposed to introduce the first round.
The first round, ladies and gentlemen, is 'True or false'.
Mmm, 'True or false', and the first question is for YOU, Gareth.
True or false, Gareth? Before Dehlia Smith was a professional cook, she was a professional hockey player.
True or false, true or false? False.
It IS false! She was a hairdresser.
- Oh, really? It doesn't show.
- Well done, Gareth! - Ey? - It doesn't show! - Doesn't it? - Yeah.
Looks like she did YOURS tonight though, Ulrika.
Bitch! - I'm sorry!? - Is he a bitch? Yeah, but even though it's falling out, - it looks nice.
- Yeah, he is.
I'm gonna hand THIS question over, now, to Norman on Team A.
Norman.
Could you tell me, true or false, Woody Allen eats out 365 days a year.
I'm not gonna beat around the bush with you there, Vic.
I'm gonna go for a 'true' on that one.
It IS true, he will eat out! - He will eat out - 356 days a year, how about that? Patsy! Thank you for coming, firstly, of course! And you're on 'Eastenders'.
What's erm What's Percy Sugden REALLY like? You know, what's he REALLY like? Do the question.
Will do.
Patsy? Gloria Estefan was educated at a convent, run by an incredibly fat nun, with a moustache.
True or false? True.
You said 'true', and it IS true.
Well done.
That's the information we've been given.
Well done.
Where were we? Kathy! Lovely to see you, Kathy.
- You're from Liverpool, aren't you? - Yeah.
What are the Beatles REALLY like? I'm only joking, Kathy.
Lovely to see you.
Now, ehm We If you DO any boobs tonight, I will promise to overlook them Really? Is that the best you two can do?! I'm trying to play the part, and now breasts.
Is that the best you can do? "Britain's top light entertainer", you call yourself, but Excuse me! Excuse me! - Deduct one point for bantering.
- Yes.
- He hasn't got a point, yet.
- He banters! He banters! - It wasn't banter! That was insult! - He hasn't gotten a point, yet! Oh, that's all right then, sorry.
Kathy! Rubber lips! True or false? Kathy.
In his youth Trevor McDonald was the drummer in Bob Marley and the Wailers.
True or false? False.
False.
It is false! Well done! - Go on, then.
- Ulrika? Alfred Hitchcock loved train time tables SO much he used to memorise them.
True or false? True.
- It IS true.
- Oh, God! Well done! Mark? Are you enjoying yourself tonight, Mark? Immensely.
Good Mark? Mike McShane, whilst on holiday this is 'True or False', remember.
Mike McShane, whilst on holiday, woke up on the beach to find that somebody had their bike in his bottom crevasse.
True or false? True.
It's false.
It that the end of that round? - Yes, that's the end of it.
- Oh, well! And that leads us now, to say: What are the scores, George Dawes? No, no.
Thank you.
The scores are: Mark Lamarr has 2.
And Ulrika Jonsson, she's got 3.
Oh, Ulrika! Ulrika? Does YOUR son play the drums? - No, he doesn't.
- He should be, by now.
- No, really, he should.
- He should be.
The next round is the clips round.
We're gonna show the contestants a clip, and ask them a question thereon.
So, have a look at the clip.
And the first clip is for you, Team A.
Lovely Mark.
I think I could describe you very much, as the "Liquid Dulling Man", only Wales-born is getting that reputation.
Arthur, you I mean you must do quite a bit of seed chitting, don't you? Oh, yes, erh I chitted my parsnips, here.
And I I think, chitted seeds has got a future.
I have chitted onions seeds.
My, oh my! Team A? What exactly ARE chitted seeds? - Can we confer? - Of course, you can.
Now, what is it, Kathy? - Go on then, Cath.
- I don't know.
Is it, um The seeds have already begun to like, grow? - That thing? - She's got it! - That's exactly right, well done Kathy! - Well done! Kathy sharing her knowledge of chitting, there! You've must have chitted seeds in the past.
I have, yeah.
Team B! Where's your question.
Take a look at this clip, here.
Let me do your sitting room carpet, while I'm here! Would you? You see, the thing about the Hoover is, that it deals with all three kinds of dirt.
THREE kinds of dirt!? Yes.
Don't think I'm trying to be cleverer than you.
But there ARE three kinds of dirt.
"You see, there ARE three kinds of dirt!" What ARE the three kinds of dirt? Can you tell us what are the three kinds of dirt? Dust Dust.
- Soil - Grit.
Elk droppings Maybe in the 50's.
Mark, you'll know about that.
He was responsible for them.
I'm sorry, I can't Could I give 'em a point? - I think you can, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'll give you a point.
- Let's have a look.
Well, let's take a look, and see what it is.
Dust.
Fluff.
And grit.
- Oh! We forgot fluff! - You see? - DUST! FLUFF - We forgot a bit of fluff! AND GRIT!!! DUST.
FLUFF.
AND GRIT!!! - DUST.
FLUFF.
AND GRIT!!! - Yes, all right, Vic! And I think we should immediately go over to George, and ask: George Dawes, what are the scores? Ha ha ha No, no.
Hardcore, you know the score.
They've got 4 and Ulrika's team, they've got 5.
Well done, Ulrika's team.
Looks like they're in the lead.
And, eh I think we'll That's the halfway point there, ladies and gentlemen, so we're gonna have a little brake and have a quick snack.
What have you brought out, then? Well, I'm having a break, anyway.
What have you got, there? I've got myself a steak and kidney pie, Vic.
What have you got? Some salmon.
D'you wanna swap? What is it, John West? No, it's erm It's the manufacturer formerly known as Prince's.
- That was a good joke, wasn't it? - I was a VERY good joke, wasn't it? Very nice.
The next round, ladies and gentlemen, is the impressions round.
Where Vic and myself do impressions of popular celebrities, and ask the contestants to guess who is the celebrity.
Now, it's an open round, so I REALLY wanna see those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- We'd like to see those fingers.
- REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Okay? So, ladies and gentlemen.
Who Is this? "Have you ever noticed, like" PACE! - Connolly, Billy.
- Well done! Connolly, Billy.
Connolly, Billy.
That's right.
Ey? That is the wrong way round, wasn't it? - Was it? - Yeah - What was the wrong way round? - His name.
What, he should've given the answer before the impression? - Ah, I see.
- Yeah.
Who is this? "Sid?" "Sid?" Lamarr.
Bresslaw, Bernard.
Bresslaw, Bernard.
Yes! And for a little bit of a twist, ladies and gentlemen, the next impression will be done by mister Vic Reeves, seated here but he's gonna sing in the style of a club singer.
And you, with you fingers on your buzzers, must try and identify the popular song he is singing.
If you're ready, George Dawes? 2-3-4.
Hale! - Knock three times.
- It is correct! Well done! Excellent work, there, from Hale.
And we can actually hear what it's supposed to sound like now, George Dawes, here we go! 2-3-4.
- Thank you, George! - There we are.
Now, to kind of, turn the table, slightly, what we're gonna do now is we're gonna ask the celebrities to do an impression of their own.
So Random factor, choose your victim.
Please.
Lamarr! Mark Lamarr.
The team captain for Team A.
Do us an impression.
"Whas the matter with me? Wanna know if Andy like me.
" "Am I stupid, or somefing?" It's Patsy! Was it? Patsy? It's not! It's not, is it? It's Ricky! - I thought it was Ricky! - Yeah, I did as well.
No, it wasn't.
It was you! Mmm, ladies and gentlemen, now moving on to the - Kathy! - Yes? D'you go for blokes like him? You know, the skinny runts? Not like me.
Strong blokes, like me? Um - It depends, really.
- Yeah.
- What mood I'm in.
- Exactly.
- 'Cause I can crack nuts in that.
- Yeah.
- That's good.
That's nice.
- I do! Brazil I cracked YOUR nuts all last Christmas, didn't I? I'll crack YOUR nuts, if you like? Again, yeah.
If you've got any Moving on to the next round, ladies and gentlemen, it's called 'The Dove from Above'.
Why? Because a dove, will come, from above.
If we encourage it to, by cooing.
Now, can I just stop you there? Because, apparently Gareth is an expert, world champion cooer.
Can we hear YOUR coo? - Not bad, ey? - Pretty good, innit? Let them go - No, that's fine.
Go! - Ain't she beautiful, that dove? - She is.
- The dove has landed.
The beautiful dove, there.
Now, you'll see, printed on it's chest, tail, neck, and so on, categories.
Now, they represent categories of questions.
And we're gonna ask each of you to pick one of those categories and then answer a question on it.
Behind one of those categories, is a very special price.
And if you should select that category, you'll hear this noise: Eranu! Now, if you should answer a question incorrectly, you'll hear THIS noise: Ouvavu! So, for a special price, it's: Eranu! And for an incorrect answer, it's: Ouvavu! So, is that clear, everyone? Okay.
I'm gonna start with YOU Patsy, if you don't mind? Will you, please, pick a category? 'Royalty', please.
Royalty? - Mmm, nice category.
- Got it here, Vic.
Name three celebrities, Patsy, who have a title in their name, but are not ACTUALLY royalty.
You know, like say, hmm, - James Earl Jones, for example.
- Right, um - Sir Ian McKellen.
- Ian McKellen!? Has she got the grip of the? Has she got the plot? Patsy? - Prince Naseem.
- "What's the matter with me?" - "Am I stupid, or something?" - That's one! Oh, yeah, I've got it.
- Go on.
- Go on.
Ignore him.
I was gonna say Elv Um - The Dukes of Hazzard! - Yes, all right! Well done! All the Dukes.
All those crazy Dukes! Those crazy Dukes! Who like to jump through car windows, given any chance.
Well, you've got four, with the crazy Dukes, but if you've got any more, that's Right, okay, moving on now To Kathy.
Pick a category, please! Um, 'Numbers', please.
Numbers.
Numbers, numbers, numbers, Kathy.
- SO important in counting.
- SO important in counting.
Name three films, that have a number greater than 100 in them, such as "The million, billion dollar brain".
Can I have "101 Dalmatians"? Yes, ONE.
No conferring.
- Thank you! - The Millionaires.
- That wasn't, I didn't like - The Millionaires.
The Millionaires, that's Can we have that!? - Well, if it's a film.
- I think, there's a million in it, yeah.
Um - Six million dollar - The Six million dollar man.
- Six million dollar - And 2000 B.
C.
Is that wrong? Well, yeah, nearly enough.
I think "2000 B.
C.
" is your favourite Kathy, innit? - Yeah.
- We'll give you a point for that one.
Ulrika.
You, of course, were a weather girl, in a previous life.
Yeah.
So, what exactly IS wind? I think Gareth could tell you about that! No, Gareth PRODUCES it, but what IS it? I'll show you later You'll show me wind later? Mmmm Ulrika? Choose Pick a category.
Can I have? 'Meat', please? Eranu! 'Eranu' indeed, miss Jonsson.
You have won tonight's Star Price! Well done! Now, all you have to do is select a number between 1 and 500, and we will select a price from the corresponding page in the catalogue.
Pick a Pick a page! - Oh, yeah, we are looking! - Pick a page.
- 498, please! - 498.
I'm not sure 498, where is it? Four, something Four, 489! Well, you've landed on the shoe page, there! Is your baby wearing gents shoes yet? - No.
- 'Cause, to be honest, Ulrika, - he SHOULDN'T be.
- He shouldn't.
Well, go on then.
Pick a pair.
I'd have the brown size 11's, with the little laces at the top.
- Nice choice! - They're yours.
Nice choice from Mark David's.
Well done, Ulrika! But, we still have to ask you the question, Ulrika.
Oh, sh What? - "Oh, shoes!" - Oh, shoes.
Oh, shoes.
Lovely shoes.
- Have a look at these stills.
- Yeah.
Right, and tell me which is the odd one out.
- The chap in the top left corner - And why is that? Because, he's Frank The other one, in the middle with the glasses is Frank Butcher, and Dewhurst's a butcher too, aren't they? And, so, what's Kevin? Kevin is the bacon.
Norman! - Matey.
- Pick a category! Pick a category! Can I have 'Rography'? Nice choice! Yes, nice one.
Geography.
Yes.
- Norman.
- Yes.
Bruce Willis Keanu Reeves and Mel Gibson are all huge stars who live in America.
Only one of them was actually BORN there.
Which one? - Which one was born in America? - I'm gonna go for the obvious, Bruce Willis answer.
That's the one I would've gone to, but the answer is, in fact Mel Gibson! - Now, there's a thing! - Who would've thought it? - In Peekskill, New York.
- Can I have an 'ouvavu'? Ouvavuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
- Mmm, well that's the end - that's the end of THAT round, and, should we have a look at the scores? I think we should go straight over to George Dawes, and ask: What are those scores, George? I'LL TELL YOU THE SCORES, THEN!!! Mark Lamarr Has got 8.
And Ulrika Jonsson, she's doin' 'perty' well, she's got 10.
Ten points, for Team B! The next round is a kind of, quick fire round.
And not like the sort of, flash fire you get in the forest, of course.
No! Quick fire! Because, we're against the clock, here and when we're out of time, you'll hear THIS noise: That's right.
So let's crack on with the Quick Fire round.
I'll start.
It's on the buzzers, by the way, - so let's see those fingers.
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
REALLY wanna see those fingers.
Quick Fire, on the buzzers, starting NOW! Which actor co-starred with an invisible six-foot tall rabbit in the Lamarr.
Jimmy Stewart.
- No! - Is the correct answer.
No, Ulrika.
It's correct.
Which month - What? - Ey? Who was doing that? - It was Bob Hoskins! - I'll retract it, then.
- It's the Quick Fire round, you know? - It was another film.
- Which month is the Queens - Just Ulrika? The rabbit in the Bob Hoskins film was visible.
Could I have the away with call, please? Ulrika Next time you go and see 'Who killed Roger Rabbit', have a look out for the animated character.
It's Quick Fire round, we're going against the clock, for Christ's sake! Which actor Which actor spent a year in Provence? - John Thaw.
- My thing doesn't work! Your fingers don't work!? My THING doesn't work! It doesn't? I'll just check that.
Which Which month is the Queen Christmas Day speech televised? Pace! - December.
- Correct! - It did it again! - No, you DIDN'T, Ulrika! You dreamt it.
It worked when I was on University Challenge! Well, press Gareth's PJ and Duncan first found fame in which children's Lamarr.
- Biker Grove.
- Correct.
In which decade did Cliff Richard have his first number one? Lamarr.
The 50's That's NOT banter! That's NOT banter.
That was an answer! But those where riding in on your face, didn't they? - You ready, Ulrika? - I'm ready.
Both thumbs.
Pressure could be your saviour.
Ey? Rather than just a light dusting.
Which character is played by Sid Owen in 'Eastenders'? Patsy! Ricky.
Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!!! The film 'Drop dead Fred' starred which British comedian? Lamarr.
I bloody pressed it! Mine doesn't work! - Is it Rik Mayall? - Correct! Oh, this is so This is such a stitch up! I'm going - Is it upsetting you, Ulrika? - It's REALLY upsetting me, I'm f Could you press Ulrika's buzzer, just in the other side she doors it? If you WERE a Gladiator, Ulrika, would you be called 'Lightfinger'? Or, 'The slow button presser'.
Now, can you? Just behave for a second, let Ulrika get this one? - All right.
- Right.
Go on.
I probably don't know the answer to this one! Oh, I think you will.
Who is the female presenter Shame on you, George Dawes! Just out of time.
What are the scores, George Dawes? Ulrika Jonsson's got 11, and Mark Lamarr's the WINNER, with 14 points! Well done, Mark! Well, you skillfully cracked back there, from a remainal of certain doom, BUT you ARE the winners.
And sadly, Team B are the losers.
But, nobody goes away from here open handed, as you've won tonight's consolation price, which are these beautiful Freddie Krueger style gloves! Oh, yes, Gareth.
Your own Krueger style glove! That's fantastic, thanks! Now then, Mark Lamarr's team, team A, the winners Team captain Mark Lamarr, will you select somebody from your team to come and join us up here for the Spud gun Challenge? What is What's the Spud gun Challenge? Well, basically, you, erm Get shot on the backside by a spud gun.
So, I've got to pick who I wanna see bent over, being shot up the arse? Yes.
- Thank you! - Norman.
It's me.
Norman! Come and join us for the Spud gun Challenge! Norman! I'm SO glad it was YOU that was chosen(!).
Thank you(!) Well, there's the 14 pounds you've won, rounded up to 15 pounds.
Thank you very much.
Now, let me explain a few things to you now, Norman, about the Spud gun Challenge.
You've won quite a lot of money already, that you just pocketed, there - but, it's to share amongst everyone.
- No.
No? Yes! Oh yes! Yes, yes But, we're gonna give you the chance to add 100 pounds - to that already magnificent figure.
- Really? - The 100 pounds are here, just behind you.
- Yeah? Vic is gonna fire a potato gun at your backside.
Now, on impact, should you flinch you fail.
Remember that phrase, should you flinch, you fail.
If, however, you maintain your decor or grin, you win.
Take a position suitable for having your, er potato introduced to you backs Who will be the arbiter of the flinch? I will be the arbiter, I was going on to explain, but I'll do it right now.
'Cause, if you bend down, Gareth - I'm gonna look at you - It's Norman.
Yeah, I'm okay! Yeah! - YOU wanna have a go? - Yeah! Norman I'm sorry.
Norman.
With your lovely, cheeky smile.
Now, I'm here, which is quite near you, I'm gonna examine your face, and on impact, should you flinch, I pinch and take away potential earnings for you.
Should you maintain your decorum, that's fine! So Vic, perhaps you'd like to take over, there? Yes, I'd just like to make a point, now, that I'm gonna be using this sort of spud gun.
And a spud gun IS a weapon, and if you ARE gonna be using one of these at home, please remember to wear goggles whilst you're firing it, as I am now.
Now, that's very sensible.
So, I hope everyone's got that? I'll be the arbiter, if you flinch, I pinch, Norman! - Okay.
- Okay! Is the spud gun loaded? Check.
Is the material tightly stretched across the backside? Check.
Then, there's a Spud gun Challenge on! Here we go! Spud one! That's fine.
Spud two! There's a flinch! Flinch! I've got to pinch, Gareth! - Spud three! - Norman! That was fine! - No, I pinched that! - Yeah well, you got my name wrong! Fine! That's fair enough.
What spud are you on? Spud five.
The final spud! Oh, yes! That was the one! I've got to pinch you 100 pounds! Did it hit that spot? - Gareth? - Norman.
Well, there we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Quite a lot of money exchanged hands, quite a lot of spud, impacted on human flesh.
That's 'Shooting Stars', we'll see you again!