Shooting Stars (1993) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity TV quiz, Shooting Stars! And introducing Team A, please welcome Leslie Ash! Lovely, pretty Leslie.
Sweet soft-skinned, lovely Leslie.
Kind, warm, graceful Leslie.
Delicate Leslie, dainty Leslie.
Oh, Leslie! Elegant, elf-like, sweet smelling Leslie.
Oh, lovely Leslie! Oh, Leslie.
And joining Leslie on team A, please welcome Syd Little.
Slim, suave, sophisticated, four-eyed sex magnet Syd, is a sort of comedian.
Despite his slender frame, he eats like a pig.
Syd doesn't need to wear specs, he just likes the look.
He says: "It makes me look just like Buddy Holly".
What do you think? And joining Leslie and Syd, please welcome the captain of Team A: Mister Mark Lamarr.
And introducing Team B, please welcome Eddie Large.
Podgy fun-bucket and Danny Baker look-a-like Eddie, likes nothing better than making love on a rug in front of a roaring open fire.
Sadly, Eddie now lives in a tower block, and it's just not the same in front of a radiator.
And joining Eddie on team B, please welcome Bill Oddie.
Ugly Bill, the bird spotter, lives in a nest, high on a cliff at a secret location.
Since becoming a protected species himself, his eggs are guarded 24 hours a day, by a team of armed bin men.
And now: Please welcome the captain of Team B: Miss Ulrika Jonsson.
And finally: Please welcome your hosts for this evening: Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer! Welcome to Shooting Stars! Welcome whoever you are! - The stars have been greeted - and successfully seated.
So come along, and let's start Shooting Stars! Feel my soooooooooooooooong.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Shooting Stars, the celebrity quiz, where the contestants sit, either side here of the rostrum.
It's just an experiment, we'll see how it works as this evening goes along.
- Bob.
- What? Over there.
That's the bloke of 'The Goodies'.
It's Bill Oddie, yeah.
It's his name, Bill Oddie.
He's over there! - I know, it's - Look! He's over there! He's on the quiz, Vic, yeah.
- What quiz? - Shooting Stars.
You know, the quiz? - What's that? - Shooting Stars.
W-What's that? - You where stupid, you where.
- Ey? What!? - Yeah.
- What!? - You're an idiot! - What did you say!? I said you're an idiot, Vic.
- Yeah, well, at least I'm not attractive! - Yeah! There, you've got a point, there.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, lets meet the man with the scores: it's George Dawes! Go on, George! - That's George! - He's just a big baby! He's a kind-of baby.
He's a sort-of, kind-of baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, the rules are relatively simple, there's open rounds, individual rounds, and team rounds.
And on the open rounds, contestants, we really wanna see those fingers! We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- Have you got any fingers, there? There's a lot, now let me get over here.
Really wanna see those fingers, - now, I've seen them.
- Nice finger work, Ulrika, you're learning.
Yeah.
Go on, get on with it.
Now, if you should hear this noise No! If you should hear THIS noise during the course of the quiz Don't worry, it's just one of the eggs hatching, that Bill's been incubating on his seat.
So, there is no panic.
A lovely, little egg hatching.
Do you EAT eggs, Bill? - I do, yes.
- You do? - Oh, it surprises me.
- For breakfast? For breakfast sometimes, and sometimes for lunch, and sometimes for tea, yeah.
- Are you quite an egg man? - I am.
What about you, Ulrika? What do you have for breakfast? Um You being Swedish, it's probably muesli, isn't it? You know, twigs, sticks - Bits of crone, you know? - Bits of sticks suspended in yoghurt.
Basic aggregate.
I think Being educated, that's from Switzerland, isn't it? - Is it? - Yes.
Oh? So, do you have, just pine beds For breakfast? - Well, there is - And saunas.
- Just a log.
- D'you have a sauna for breakfast? I do.
Well, that would account for you being bald, Ulrika.
What about you, Syd? - For breakfast? - For breakfast? Uh A piece of toast, that's it.
- Just a simple piece of toast? - Simple piece of toast.
I had you down as a Sugar Puff man.
Leslie? What do you have for breakfast? Just the tea.
Just the t Ah! I bet, you have, uh Rainbows, buttercups, dew drops All washed down with some lovely angel tears.
Stop it, Vic.
I bet you do, don't you? - I'm sorry.
- I like your hair like that, it's lovely.
- Uh, I'm sorry, Leslie.
Vic, stop it! - What? It's like having a big naan bread rearing down on you, isn't it? Anyway As I said: The rules are simple, there's open rounds, team rounds, and individual rounds; really wanna see those fingers REALLY wanna see those fingers.
And let's start of with the first round, which is 'True or false'.
True, or false? TRUE or false? I think they get the idea, well done.
True or false.
And the first question is to YOU, Bill.
Thank you.
Bill, true or false? Martin Sheen was born with his left arm, the left arm Three inches shorter than his right arm.
True or false? Um, that is true.
That is true.
- It IS true, Bill.
- It is true.
It is quite true.
Well done, Bill! - Syd! - Yes? Lovely Syd.
Sitting over there.
Can you see me, Syd? Yes, yes, yes.
I tell you what Via the gift of television, we can Syd sees through his eyes, there.
Syd! Can you see us? Syd, over here! Over here, Syd! Can you see us? Over here! Have you got us? - Very good, yes.
- Just vague shadows, really, isn't it? So if you'd like to use your ears, Syd, we might get somewhere.
Syd, true or false.
When filming in Japan, Jeremy Beadle was mistaken for a type of giant toad and was locked in a zoological science lab for 14 minutes before being rescued by his film crew.
True or false? False! - It's false! - It IS false! Pretty close to it being true.
Well done.
Ulrika.
You know Wolf of 'Gladiators'? Is he a REAL wolf? - Do the question.
- Well, I'll do the question, Ulrika.
Ulrika.
Marlon Brando's occupation on his passport is Shepard.
True or false? - False? - "False?" I'm sorry Ulrika, it's true.
See? I'm gonna lose.
God, you are husky tonight.
I guess I should be surprised there isn't a sleigh behind you.
I know! Can we carry on? Stop it, Bob! - What did I do!? - Just behave yourself! I'm just showing you me tonsils.
Mark! Here's your question.
Lovely Mark, the team captain for Team A.
Can I just interrupt you, there - for a second, Vic? - Yes.
Mark, what did you put down for your passport? 50's throwback.
This joke really will not die, will it? This '50's throwback' thing? - No, it won't.
- Well, what did you put down? You two, dressed up like a couple of extras from 'Oliver's', and Victorian pounces.
And you Your haircut's the same as mine, Reeves! - Mark? - I think not! - Mark there's a lot of - I do not put ghee in my hair! Mark.
Here's your lovely question.
Mark, Richard Branson was teased as a child because of his beard.
True or false? True.
- What? - True.
No, it's false.
- It's a false beard.
- It was a false beard? Yes, well done.
Eddie.
True or false? Cliff Richard is gay.
- Come on.
- Ey? - You can't ask him that! - What? - You can't say that! - Oh, I'll do another one, sorry Eddie! Eddie.
True or false? O.
J.
Simpson is a murderer.
You can't say these questions! - Ask him the proper one.
- All right! - Ask him the proper question! - Here it comes.
Eddie? Eddie? Jimmy Nail was the lead singer in Lindisfarne.
True or false? Oh, that is That is false.
It IS false! He was not the singer lead in Lindisfarne.
Well done, Eddie! Leslie.
Here's your question.
I think you ARE looking lovely tonight, love.
Leslie.
I hope you get this one right, actually.
Rosanne Barr, broke a rabbits' neck, when she put it in the washing machine, because its feet where dirty.
True or false? False.
- It's true! - True.
No, it is! It's true.
Poor little Poor little rabbit! Leslie? Leslie Poor little rabbit! Leslie, he's trying to prove to you that he's cute.
- I'm cuter than you! - No, you're not.
I think I You'd find that I'm - Who's cuter, Ulrika, me or him? - I'm cuter than you! Who's cuter, Ulrika.
Me or Jim? Well, that's the end of the 'True or false' round, which leads us to say: What are the scores, George Dawes? No, no.
Please.
And, Mark Lamarr's team have got one point.
And Ulrika Jonsson's team, they've got two points.
Well done! Now, the next round is called 'The clips round'.
Because, we're gonna show some clips to the teams and ask them questions about that clip.
And the first clip is for you, Mark.
Thank you, Moira.
Later, we'll be bringing you up to date on the most wanted, and perhaps the most dangerous man in Britain.
How he got away, and did the Police blunder? That's a funny clip, isn't it? But Mark, AND your team And you can confer on this one.
Can you name three pop stars who have played criminals and most wanted men in the movies? Eh, yes, erm The Who.
- Roger Daltrey? - Roger Daltrey.
- McVicar.
- Errrmmm - And the two Kemp chaps in 'The Krays'.
- Oh, yes.
- That's right, The Krays.
- Oooh, four.
- Oh, that's three.
- That's four.
- Three.
- Four? - The two.
- Oh? Well done! Well done, Mark.
Team B.
Here's your clip.
Take a look at this.
He's had a stroke.
Reckoned it was something like that.
Is that all you can do, James? Could you tell me what happened next? - Oh - Uh, the The Dog produced puppies? - Ah, very good answer! - That's a nice answer.
Is that your final answer? Anyone wanna go? Go on, you have You have a go.
Uh It DIDN'T produce puppies.
Okay.
Let's take a look and see what happened.
Is that all you can do, James? He's not in pain.
He's quite comfortable.
Yes And THEN it produced puppies, yes.
James then had a little Tommy-squeaker, and the dog fled.
Not altogether, the fairer question, so I'll offer you this one.
Which newspaper did Christopher Timothy, whom we saw there, which newspaper did he advertise? - Come on.
- Come on, there's a newspaper - I'll give you that as a clue.
- The Sun.
"The Sun" is the correct answer! The correct Answer! - Syd? - Yes! - Syd? Whoa! - That's me! - Syd? Can you see us? - Nice to see you! Syd, what newspaper do YOU read? The Sun, yes, yes.
- You read 'The Sun'? - Oh, yes.
D'you not find that if the Sun, the REAL Sun That's why I wear glasses.
Well, if it's behind you, does it not burn a couple of holes into the newspaper? Right! Of course, it doesn't.
Bill? Bill? Do you take any He looks a bit distracted at the moment, but he is! Bill? You must have You know, all those long hours you spend in a hide.
Yes.
You must have some publication taken there to relieve your The - To relieve the boredom? - Ehm You haven't got any watches, have you, there? - Birdwatch Magazine - Birdwatch Magazine That's a very good What's going on over there!? Oi! Oi! - Can I wear it? - Yeah, you're all right.
- Two guineas.
- Two guineas? What's going on over here!? - No ration cards! - I'm just getting some of Mark's gear.
It's top gear.
Will you put that stuff away? I've told you: No selling of that s Whatever you keep in the back of your turnip van.
Hey Vic, you can shout, but some But look, I've got a Raul Jax watch, here.
Look a that! How beautiful.
- Will you put it away?! - It's worth about two What where you doing, buying stuff of him, for?! - He says it worth two grand.
- You must be stupid!!! At least, I'm not attractive.
Well, it's that time of the evening where We do the It's that time of the evening, Vic, where we do the impressions round.
- Oh! - Yeah! Oh, yes! So called because, uhm Mister Vic Reeves and myself do impressions of celebrities - Very good impressions! - Well And you have to guess who it is we're doing and impression of.
So, if you're ready Contestants? Tell me, who is this? "Would it be, at all possible for you to clean out the scratching posts, in the ladies cubicles, please, Laura?" Lamarr! Too late, Ulrika.
Lamarr.
Chris Barrie.
Chris Barrie! Oh, yeah! She wouldn't get that, would she? - Did you have that, Ulrika? - I did.
Yeah, you got it just a little bit too late.
- Shame.
- As always.
Ladies and gentlemen, who is this? "Deirdre.
You must have my" - Jonsson! - Large! Large! - Large Jonsson? - It's a large Jonsson! - Shamir? Shamir? - Shamir? I think you're thinking of a line of cloth.
Samir! Samir! - Samir! - It was Samir! No, at this point, ladies and gentlemen, we like to an impression in The Club Style.
Because Vic is a very good club singer, and he's gonna sing a song, in the style of a I Sorry.
Now, at this point Every time I see Ulrika's tash, I cough.
Now there, ladies and gentlemen.
For the next impression, Vic in the club singer style, is gonna sing a very popular song, and you must guess what that song is.
So, if you're ready, George Dawes? Bill Oddie! "Singing the blues"? - No.
- No! Sorry.
Carry on, George.
Lamarr! - My Coo Ca Choo.
- My Coo Ca Choo.
Well done, indeed.
And now, let's hear how it should sound, sung properly.
Thank you, George! Well, that's half time, and I've got myself some sandwiches.
- Have you? - From the outside, there.
- There we go.
- Are you not having anything? You didn't bother? Oh? Shame.
Leslie I've got you something, here, that I'd like you to open.
I've admired you for a long time, especially the work A lot, a lot of the work you did on 'The Tube'.
And I I'm only sorry that it didn't work out for you and Sir Bob, so - You didn't take over - Stop that.
Vic! And if you ever do need Vic, stop touching yourself! I'm sorry! Stop rubbing yourself! I will sit in over here.
You didn't tell her we're through.
Sorry, my dear.
- Thank you! - It's a pleasure.
I've just about finished my sandwich, Vic.
I don't mind telling you.
Just about finished it.
But, I'll leave it now, 'cause we've better move on to the next round, which is The Dove from Above.
So called, because we greet a dove from above.
And if you could join in, contestants? And give us a little bit of a coo.
Let's bring that dove down from above.
Come on! There it is.
That beautiful Dove from Above.
In all its glory.
What type of dove is that, Bill? It's a white one.
Actually, I think that is a pigeon.
I think you'll find that it is the Dove from Above.
It's a pigeon, and try to rhyme THAT with something! Well, there's always 'smidgen'.
- If you're swivelling.
- Yeah.
Yeah, hm.
Now, the Dove from Above, that beautiful creature.
Mythical creature, I believe.
Now, written on its flaunt - Flounders! - Flounders! Written on its flaunts, there, are categories of questions.
I want you to choose one of those categories Mark.
Yeah, they did this in the 50's I want you to choose one of those categories, and we'll ask you a question on it.
Now Hidden behind one of these categories is a special price.
And if you should choose that, you'll hear this noise: Eranu! And if you should answer incorrectly, you'll hear this noise: Ouvavu! So, for the special price, it's: Eranu! And for an incorrect answer, it's: Ouvavu! So, if that's clear, I'm gonna go straight to you, Bill.
I'm gonna ask you, Bill, to choose a category.
I would choose 'Initials', please.
Initials.
Here it is, here.
Bill, name three celebrities who have the same initial letter for their Christian name and their surname.
Such as, hmmm, yeah, Arthur Askey.
Marilyn Monroe.
Brigitte Bardot and Arthur Askey.
No, no, no, no! - Oh, oh, oh, no, no! - Ey? - Oh, no! - Okay.
Okay.
No, we can't have 'Arthur Askey'.
Come on, Bill.
Uh, Donald Duck.
- Well done! - Oh, yes! Syd! Lovely little Syd, over there.
Here's your question.
Actually, you'd better pick a category first, don't you? - Pick one.
- Uh, 'Space'.
- What? - Space.
- Smegs? - No, Space.
- Space.
Have you got 'Space', there? - Yeah, there it is.
Here's one for you, Syd.
Scotty, McCoy and 'Uhuru' where all officers onboard the star ship Enterprise.
What was each of them responsible for? Could we try it again? - We'll know it.
- Captain? Could you take it - That again? Scotty.
What was he? - Well, Scotty, he was the engineer.
Correct.
McCoy? He was the doctor.
"Bones", they used to call him.
Chief medical officer, yes, I'll give you that one.
And What? Nitpicking, now, are we? - Nitpicking.
- And, finally 'Uhuru'.
Uh Oh, she was Er Oh, she pressed the buttons on the dash Erm Navigation.
- Ey? - Navigation? What was that? Communication? Communication! That's it! Communication There was a hint of 'navigation' about that, Syd.
I don't know.
Ulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! If you can still see me through that moustache, tell me What category do you desire? I desire Um.
- 'Relatives' - Relatives? Have you got that there, Vic? Here it is.
Look at this picture, Ulrika, and tell me whose brother is this? And you can see him in the shadows behind.
- A bit of a clue there, in the shadow.
- With an axe in his hand.
Any ideas? - Oh, Crikey! - It, um - I think they'll gonna get it.
- Calvin Klein? Calvin Klein!? Ouvavu! - Ouvavu.
- Ouvavu! - Hear the 'avuvu', feel the - Ouvavu! - Know that you're wrong! - Ouvavu! It could be Um - It could be, Ulrika, but it isn't.
- Ouvavu! You COULD get counter-off shoes, but you don't! You don't know what it is! Ouvavu! I'm sorry, you haven't got it, let's see who it is.
- It's gonna be revealed now - Cilla.
It's Bernard Manning! - Oh, excusez-moi! - Bernard Manning! - That's fair! - A Bernard Manning! Bernard Manning.
Mark? You swine! Here's your Well, actually, you'd better pick one first, haven't you? Pick us Pick us a category, Mark.
Uh, 'Taxis'.
- Taxis.
- Taxis.
I've got it here.
Taxi question for YOU, Mark.
In 'Carry On Cabby', what was the name of the rival cab firm, set up by Hattie Jacques? Jacques' Cabs.
Ouvavu! It was 'Glam Cabs'.
- Eddie! - Yes.
- Eddie! - Eddie! Pick a category.
Uh 'Pubs'.
Pubs.
You got jarred in one all night, didn't you? Eddie, name the pubs that feature in the soaps Coronation Street, Emmerdale Farm, and Eastenders.
Oh, yes.
AND Eastenders.
Eh Rovers Return.
- Coronation Street.
- Coronation Street.
- Emmerdale; Woolpack.
- Woolpack.
And, eh The Queen Vic, mate.
The Queen Vic, that's well answered, there.
Well done! Leslie, pick a category.
Um 'Characters'.
Characters? And what a lovely character you've got.
Leslie.
What did these two characters have in common? And here's a picture of them, here.
Captain Mannering and Arthur Daly.
What do they have in common? What do they have in COMMON, Leslie? Leslie, what do they have in common? If they had anything in common, what was it? How would the duo have in common? He's trying to flog broaches.
- Yeah, every chance.
- Commercials.
- Commercials? - Commercials.
Ouvavu! Ulrika Jonsson? Both have a wife and you never see them.
- Exactly! - Well done! - Bravo.
- Well done! Well done, I say, Ulrika! My word! Both have a wife who was never actually seen on film or screen.
That's the end of that round.
So let's go straight over to George Dawes, and ask: What are the scores, George Dawes? And the scores are Mark Lamarr's team have got 5 points, they quite cool dudes And Ulrika Jonsson's team, they got 7 points.
Congratulations! - Well done, Ulrika.
- Well done! I wonder, this might just be your night, Ulrika.
Thank you very much, indeed.
It's all gonna be decided on this final round.
That's right.
It's all gonna be decided on this round, because We're going in for the Quick Fire round.
That's right, we're against the clock here.
Now, we don't know how long we've got, but when the time's over, you'll hear this noise: - There we are.
So, let's go.
- Let's go ahead with the Quick Fire round.
It's on the buzzers.
Please, please please, we really wanna see those fingers.
- We REALLY wanna see those fingers.
- Wanna see those fingers.
What a lovely finger, Leslie! Thank you, Vic.
Going Straight 'Going Straight' was the sequel to which comedy series? Lamarr! Porridge.
Correct.
Which flowers are associated with Dame Edna Everage? Jonsson.
- Gladiolas.
- Correct.
Gladiolas.
Which comedian did Neil Morrissey replace in the comedy Ash.
'Men behaving badly', Harry Enfield.
Correct answer, Ash.
What are the names of the two puppets featured regularly on 'The Big Breakfast'? Lamarr.
- Zig and Zag.
- Correct.
Name any part of The Queen.
Lamarr.
- Oh, for God's - Arms.
No, I'm sorry, it was the nose.
Name me a hairy dog.
- A what? - Oddie! A hairy dog? Poodle! I was thinking about an Alsatian, sorry.
Very close.
How woody is Woody Allen? Jonsson.
Very.
- No - Is the correct answer! - Is it?! - Yes, it is.
Oh, blimey! It appears he becomes very woody! What does his wife say to him, the first thing in the morning? - I don't know.
- "Morning, wood.
" Nice one! Who is the man from Auntie? Lamarr.
- Ben Elton.
- Correct.
Who is better known as McGinnis and Mead? Him, and me.
- Correct.
- Correct, Eddie.
And that means, it's the ending of the quiz, so George Dawes, what are the final scores? If you guys knew who I was And the final scores are: Mark Lamarr's team have got 9 points, but Ulrika Jonsson IS the winner, with 11, goddamned points! Well done, Ulrika! I've gotta hand it to you, you guys are good! Yeah, you where great! You guys where good! - But - It's that funny smelling Nobody leaves this arena open hearted, because we've got a special price for you: It's these David Bowie style, face zigzags.
Now it can be Aladdin Sane-day, every day of the week, and not just Sundays.
Not just Sundays! You could be David Bowie, every day of the week.
There you are, Leslie! Our winner's over here tonight.
Now then Ulrika, you're the team captain You've got two lovely, hunky fellows on either side of you.
Which one of you is gonna take the 'Vibro-sprout challenge'? I think it's Eddie, as far as I know.
- No, it's - Eddie? Well As far as I know, I thought it was Bill.
And, as far as I know, I think it's you! Is it me? - Yeah, go on! - Is it you? I don't know! I don't think he cares who's gonna come up.
Ulrika! YOU join me to take the 'Vibro-sprout challenge'.
Here we are, Ulrika.
There's the platform, and there's Bob to tell you all about it.
Hi, Ulrika! You'd like to step onto the vibro platform Now, here, on this, uh Good book, here, I have nine sprouts and a radish.
Each sprout represents 10 pounds, the royal radish: 50 pounds.
Now, you've already got 11 points, which we've converted into pounds, that means 11 pounds.
That's right, you've got potentially 140 pounds here on this good book.
Take it in your hand, Ulrika.
We're gonna vibrate you, whatever sprout or radish remains, we'll add that to your already won 10 pounds.
So Vic? - Are we ready to vibrate? - Three - Two - Oh, she's lost one! - Hold your horses! - Hold a minute.
That'll be terribly unfair.
Are you steady? You have been drinking a bit, haven't you, Ulrika? You're all right There we are.
To each one represents 10 pounds, let's see how many are left after the 20 seconds that's on the clock now, can we see that? Yes.
So, Vic? Three Two One - Go! - Vibro-sprout! - Don't let them go! - Don't let 'em go! Let go of the radish, you're on line to score! We're still I think I can see Eight radishes She's doing well! She's doing very, very well, she's keeping them central.
- She's keeping them - Five Four Three Two One One, two, three, four, five.
FIVE sprouts! 50 pounds! That makes a total of 60 pounds! Good night! Come and join us! 60 pounds! 60 pounds! Can you believe it? Well done, Ulrika! Extraordinary!