Shooting Stars (1993) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

Shooting Stars! And introducing Team A, please welcome Jonathan Ross! Big-boned Jonathan Ross weighs 17 stone, but that's not fat, oh no, he's just big-boned with a healthy supplement of good old British muscle.
And those chins? Well, they're just shadows caused by the studio lighting.
And joining Jonathan on Team A, please welcome John Peel! Bumbling John Peel, ambles around the sleepy village where he lives.
Bumping into trees and lamp posts and picking flowers, which he cleans and catalogues before stuffing them ham-fistedly into his Weetabix cupboard.
And joining Jonathan and John, please welcome the captain of Team A: Mister Mark Lamarr! Now, introducing Team B! Please welcome John Craven! Love-joffie John is every lady's dream date when it comes to a night of Turkish style passion.
Just imagine him relaxing in a Bedouin tent.
Surrounded by Turkish delight, hookah pipes, and fig rolls.
Who could resist? I know, I couldn't! And joining John on Team B, please welcome Chris Evans! Blend-in jawed hunk Chris is known variously as Big nose, Concorde-schnozzle, barge beacon, the Elephant.
As well as Futaman.
Not only that, but he has a big, fat backside as well! And now, please welcome the captain of Team B: Miss Ulrika Jonsson! And finally; please welcome your hosts for this evening: Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer! Welcome, to Shooting Stars! Welcome, whoever you are! The stars have been seated and successfully greeted.
So come along and let's start Shooting Stars! Yes! And let's have a great, big round of applause for 'Utterly Butterly'! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Shooting Stars! Say it properly! Well, I did.
What did I say? You said: "Welcome to 'Shootn taaas'".
- Really? - It's 'Shooting Stars', say it properly.
- Did I say that? - Yes, you did! Sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Shooting Stars! - You did it again! - What? You said: "Welcome to 'Snootin staas'".
Well, you'd better do it, then.
I WILL do! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'Snootin stass'.
- YOU said it! - I did not! - He did! - I didn't! You said: "Welcome to 'Snootin staas'".
- I did not! - He did! Didn't he!? I didn't! Did I, John? No, you didn't.
- I didn't.
- Most certainly didn't.
Well, I didn't! - Did you NOT? - No! I must be going mad! Mind you, insanity DOES run in my family.
So I suppose it's do be expected.
Anyway, yes, welcome indeed to Shooting Stars, the celebrity quiz, where we ask questions about showbiz of these celebrities, for cash, OR cash equivalent prices! Oh, yes we do! Now, without any further ado: Let's meet him.
- Let's meet who? - That man! Oh, yes! Let's meet the man with the scores: It's George Dawes! Hello! Hello! I've done a poo! - All right! - Hello! - Hello! - George! Get behind your kit! He's just a great, big baby! Now then, you may have spotted that there are light bulbs in front of each of the contestants tonight.
And If any of our guests release, um I don't know how to say it, um "An un-welcomed gift".
- More like "a pastor's sons errand" - Yes, "a silent message".
"A cry of the parsnip".
So, basically, what you're saying is That the light bulbs will light up if someone lets of, right? - Yes.
- Yes.
We didn't actually wanted to say that.
So, the Thought Junkies where actually right now, is it? Fart jokes.
Is that the best you can do this evening? "Is that the best you can do?" Fart jokes is the theme of the show, are they, this evening? Well, I thought it might be a bit fun If I know, it will only get worse.
Now, the rules are simple.
They're open rounds, team rounds, and individual rounds.
And on those open rounds, we really wanna see those fingers! We REALLY wanna see those fingers! Come on, John! Let's see that f Oh! Nice finger work by John, there! - Obviously, a very keen fingerer, there.
- Yes, it is! - You've done it before, John! - Yes! I've seen you on 'Country File'! With his, hot, hot, hot, hot finger! Well, now, let's get straight on to the first round: It's true or false.
- True or false.
- That's right: True or false.
We're gonna ask you a question; is it true or false? And the first question is for YOU, Chris! Right, Bob.
- Thanks for coming along, Chris.
- Thank you very much for asking me! True or false: Lynn Faulds Wood.
I don't think she does, Bob.
To be honest.
You're saying 'false', and you're right! Why, that would be crazy, Faulding in wood.
Now then, my question now, is for you, John Peel, or 'Peelie'.
John Peel, with your balls of steel, can you answer THIS question John Late Pardon? Late at night, under the shroud of darkness, John Stapleton can often be found, wrapping kettles up in toilet paper.
True or false? True.
- It is true! - It IS true! It is true! He's a sleepwalker, you see? Apparently, it runs in his family, Vic.
Next one is for YOU John.
Beautiful John Craven: The outdoor guy! Looking a little bit like a police inspector tonight.
Sam Goldwynn's real name was Sam Goldfish.
True or false? Is it true or false? I don't think that's true.
- It is TRUE!!! - IT'S TRUE!!! It is true! John Craven.
He crouches like a raven! Nice rhyme.
- Jonathan.
- Vic.
True or false? Director Stephen Spielberg, swallowed a transistor at the age of 15.
True or false? Would that be true, Vic? - It's true! - It IS true.
Well done, Jonathan.
And, eh I know exactly how it feels, 'cause I swallowed a stereogram.
Did you? You're a DJ, as well as you, John.
Two different spectrums, of course, but, eh You've must have swallowed a lot of equipment in your time? Probably have.
Quite an amount over the years, yes.
Of course, on your side, it would have been those big bakelite It probably was, those wind-up things then, yeah.
- Did you swallow any of them? - Erm, a couple.
Just a couple.
What's the biggest That's the biggest thing you've swallowed, or? Radiogram's the biggest.
Something in that area.
Mark, You've must have swallowed some Whurlitzers in your time? - With those 50's good looks.
- Is that a 50's throwback question? - '50's throwback Mark'-question, yes.
- Yeah, jolly good.
Who are you supposed to be tonight, then? Well, it seems to always be Eddie Cochran, doesn't it, Vic? - Or Little Richard.
- No.
"Little Dick".
So, hold on.
So, we've had 'fart' and 'dick'.
That's what we have? YOU pointed it out! Mark? Jimmy Hill's chin is used I don't even wanna here the end of this! - False! - Oh, come on.
Bare with it.
- False.
- Jimmy Hill's chin, is used by the RNLI, to save drowning sailors.
True or false? True.
He hangs it over the edge of the boat, and they climb up onto the It's false! It is false, of course.
- That would be ridiculous.
- U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-L-L-L-L-L-L RIKA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!!! Here's your 'True or false', Ulrika.
The literal translation of Gérard Depardieu's name is: 'Oh, my God!' Is it true, or false? Don't be silly.
- Sorry? What was that? - Pardon? That would be very silly, I think it "That would be very silly, indeed" Would it be Would it be sillier than speaking like that, though? Probably not! "Pubbably not", I'm sorry, Ulrika, did you just say: True or false? I said: You see, you can't False! You said 'false'? - False? It's true, I'm afraid! - It's true! And Mark, I've been researching YOUR name, and um I've discovered that 'la', equals, of course 'the'.
And 'marr', equals '50's'.
The 50's.
How very fitting! Well named, mister Lamarr.
That's the end of the 'True or false' round, so let's go right over to that man, and say: George Dawes, what are the scores? Look into my eyes.
And look at my nose.
Listen to what is coming out of my mouth, when I say That both teams They got 2 of points! Well! Even Stephen.
That takes us now onto the clip round! That's right, Vic.
The clips round.
We're gonna ask each team to answer a question, based on a clip.
So, Team A: Have a look at this clip.
Bet you'd be glad to get this off, won't you? Aye.
- How long is it, now? - Six weeks.
Uh, when will I be able to start again, Doctor? Straight away.
Tomorrow, I should think.
Really? Looks a bit stiff.
- Team A.
- Is THAT the best you can do? Yes.
Team A.
What is he so keen to start doing again? After six weeks have obviously elapsed.
Jonathan, you must have something to say about that? Oh, shame on both of you! What? - It's so sad, isn't it? - It's very sub-navel this, really? Very sub-navel.
The answer might be something that he uses his hands/waist area for, - and NOT masturbation.
- Well done.
Well done.
- I'm just narrowing down the field.
- Come on, you fowl-mouthed git! I think I think Painting? - Is he Tom Keating, the famous - No, I'm sorry, Jonathan It's NOT Tom Keating.
No, let's take a look and see what it really is.
Looks a bit stiff.
Well, I should take things a bit easy at first.
Um Start of with halves.
And Gradually work your way up to pints.
- There we are! - Sorry.
Unlucky! Team B? Could you take a look at THIS clip? Here's a new romantic look, designed by Sarah Bernard from St.
Austell in Cornwall.
And what I liked about this, was the flowing lines of the material on the shirt and the trousers.
Well, there you saw Peter Duncan from 'Blue Peter'.
What happened next? Did his trousers fall down? What's your answer, John? Maybe, his trousers fell down, or something like that? - Well, I think - And let's have a look! Let's have a look, I think we might And what I liked about this, was the flowing lines of the material on the shirt and the trousers.
Even down to the There we are.
I don't know whether that's entirely fair, because, John, you where knocking around 'Blue Peter' the whole time 'Cause your 'Newsround' came on straight afterwards, - so you where obviously there.
- That's right.
Never saw it, though.
Fact is, you have been around since the 60's, 70's, 80's - 80 years.
- 90's.
- A long, long time.
- Not quite, Chris! And the 90's I started in the black and white days in television.
- Mark would remember THAT, of course! - Yes, yes But, John? What was your Fashion-wise, what was your favourite era, 60's, 70's, 80's? I don't know.
70's, I suppose.
I like flares, and things.
- Did you?! - Yes.
- You liked flares? - Yeah.
- Not punk, then? - No.
Never punk.
- He's gone for the flares.
- He is, really.
John? Actually, have you seen his shoes? - Whose? - Mark's.
No, I don't - Leave my shoes alone! - No, look! Leave my shoes alone! Look at it! What's that!? There's no give there! You can't walk with pride into Tesco's with them on! I've got very pointy feet! Mind you, John.
What are these? John, I'm sure that they're very comfortable.
- They're VERY comfortable.
- I'm sure they are.
And they probably match your eyes.
Well, that's We are not going to Jonathan's Well, that's the end of the clips round, so, let's go over to George Dawes and say: George Dawes, what are the scores? Enough.
And I will do a good favour, to you, my good 'fwend', by telling you, a good score.
Mark Lamarr's team have 2 points.
And Ulrika Jonsson's team are doing mighty fine, they've got 3.
Well, you're all doing very well! Rather good, there, pick it up a little bit over there.
- Jonathan, you're slacking a bit.
- Sorry! Well, that's half time.
I'm gonna enjoy this beautiful little pancake, here Vic, and how about you? Well, I'll Actually, this tastes like cardboard.
Well, it IS cardboard, Vic.
Oh, do I have 'This way up' on there? - Give us a bit of that.
- No chance! - Oh, come on.
- No chance! - Give us some! - No chance! Just - Give us a bit! - No chance! - Give us a bit! - No! I'll squirt tart lemon in your eye! - Give us it! - No! I'll squirt tart lemon in your eye! - Give us it! - Look My word! Well, I think there's a lesson to be learnt there, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're enjoying a pancake, and someone should ask for some of it, don't squirt tart lemon directly into their eyes.
because THAT's what could happen.
Now, obviously, this wasn't tart lemon, this was just water.
Only joking! It's just water.
But, please DO be careful if you ARE going to squirt tart lemon in anybody's eye.
Now, DON'T squirt tart lemon into anybody's eye.
Especially near a pancake.
Oh yes.
Well, that's the end of half time, and we'd better move swiftly on now, to the impressions round.
That's right, where myself and Vic do impressions of famous celebrities, and you have to guess who it is.
Now, it's an open round, so we really wanna see those fingers.
We REALLY wanna see those fingers! No, we REALLY do wanna see those fingers.
We really wanna see those fingers.
- Okay - No, hands of the buzzer.
No Yes, on the buzzer.
Now, the first one is a joint impression by myself and Mr.
Vic Reeves, seated here, we'd like to know what is the title of the film we are doing an impression of.
"Are you hungry? Shall we stop at a diner?" Every which way but loose.
- Is the correct answer! - Exactly! Well done! Although, I find it surprising that you got that, Chris, because who were you doing an impression of then? Vivienne Westwood.
- Yes, but it should have been Clint Eastwood.
- It's Clint Eastwood, innit? Well, I do apologise.
Well, you got it, Chris.
And it's to your credit.
Thank you! Thank you! Right Right, okay.
Now, who is this? "Oh, well now.
I mean I" - Oh, hey! Lamarr! - Mr.
Magoo, it is.
Well done, Mark! Excuse me? Excuse me! Oh, hold your horses! It wasn't a film, it was a cartoon! It wasn't a Ulrika.
It's Oh! Bloody hell! Have we got a mint crisp? I think we're gonna need a crisp.
Look! Look at that! Oh, dear! Who is this? No, it's WHO is this? "You can't make a monkey out of a desert rat, oh no!" Ross! Captain No, it's not.
It's Deryck Guyler.
Deryck Guyler.
Well done! And now, for the final part of the impression round, we'd like you Would like to offer you, in the style of a club singer; this song, which Bob is gonna sing for you now.
Could you tell us what song he's singing in the club style? Here we go! - Ross.
- Ross? Uh, David Bowie Beep beep.
We are the And we're coming to town.
Beep beep.
- It's a David Bowie song.
- Yes.
- Scary Monsters.
- Fashion! Fashion! And now, let's hear, how it should REALLY sound! That's right! That was beautiful, Vic.
- Thank you, George! - Beautiful.
We'd like to see What What impressions these celebrities have, within them.
So, if we could call upon the random factor to weave it's way amongst them? Please do it right now.
Oh, Craven! Me!? "As President of the United States of America" - Bill Clinton! - Bill Clinton.
Was it Bill Clinton? - It WAS Bill Clinton! - That was excellent! I got it! Well done! Random factor, show us your way! VERY clean! - Ross! - Ross! Um This is one I do for small children, occasionally.
Um Whether they like it, or not.
- So you do it for your friends, as well? - What, for your programming? - Oh, my lord.
He's brought props! - Oh, dear.
He's not gonna start painting this way, is he? - We need to - Jake Hart! - No, Tony Hart! - Tony Hart! A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of thought went into that! You know what? I've been waiting for many years to do this in front of you, Vic.
Those accusing eyes now seem so simpering.
The next round, of course, is the Dove from Above.
Where we beckon down a dove from above.
So, let's start cooing, ladies and gentlemen.
That beautiful, plump dove.
- That was a good one, John! - Thank you! You've done that before, haven't you? Now, on the side of the dove, you'll see printed categories of questions.
We're gonna ask you to choose a category, and answer a question on that subject.
And can I just briefly explain, that hidden behind one of those subjects, is a mystery price.
And if you should choose THAT subject, you'll hear THIS noise: Eranu! And if you should answer any question incorrectly, you'll hear THIS noise: Ovavu! So, for the special price, it's: Eranu! And for An incorrect answer, it's: Ovavu! So, I hope that's clear with everyone, and we'll get straight on, and ask you, U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-L RIKA-A-A-A-A-A! Pick a category, please! L-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-o-v-e.
- L-o-o-o-o-o-v-e.
- Pardon? If Barry White is the walrus of love, what is Jimmy Somerville? (I know this one! He's the potato!) He must be the potato of love.
Ooooh! Let's have a look! Yes! Correct answer! The love spud! Well done, indeed! Mark Lamarr.
Lamarr, Mark.
Mark Lamarr.
Pick a category.
'Relatives', indeed.
Mark? Which famous rock star is the brother of these two men? Take a look at your monitor, now.
Now Don't be mistaken in thinking that's Jack Charlton and - Tommy Cannon.
- Tommy Cannon.
Because it's not.
These are two brothers of a famous rock star, and if you look at the picture in the background, that might give you a clue.
There's a little picture there, and you can see - I've got to say, John Craven has - It's not your bloody go! - No, but I was just gonna say - And I'm just gonna say: Unaccepted.
It was only a rock star, wasn't it? - Have a look at the picture! - Rod Stewart.
- NO! - It's Rod Stewart! Well done, indeed! - Shame, shame - There, he is.
He's just appeared.
- John thought he was Freddie Mercury.
- I did.
And you can spot the similarity, can't you? Yeah, now when you put it up there.
John, it's your turn to choose a category.
Well, as you think I look a bit like a police inspector, but um Detectives.
Eranu! John! 'Eranu' indeed, Mr.
Well done! You have won tonight's mystery price! That's right, John! And it's a SPECIAL price tonight.
Because, what we're gonna give you, is this valley locating tool.
If you suspect that you've found a valley, simply hold this next to it, and if the shapes match: Bingo! It's a valley! And, not only that.
But if you suspect it's a hill, simply place in front, that's a hill, all right! There you go, John.
I hope you have Many happy hours with that location system.
It's a hill, it's a valley.
This could be incredibly useful on 'Country File'.
- Of course, it would.
- Find my way round.
It can also help you locate the breast on say, a prostitute.
Well, thank you! Or an elephant's testicles.
Ah, still we got, of course! I known you're cock-a-hoop, John, but you must answer a question.
- What did you choose? - Detectives.
Detectives! Name three British television police detectives.
Want one? Morse.
Uh PC Dixon.
I'll give it.
And the Police Policeman Uh, Inspector Wexford? - Inspector Wexford? Yes! - Yes, that's a good one.
Yeah! Good one, John! It really is your light, isn't it? He's good.
He's good.
Well, John? Pick the final category! I'll opt for 'Romance'.
What a good choice! John Name three bands that where part of the New Romantic trend.
Duran Duran.
That's one.
Uh, Spandau Ballet.
That's two.
- Uh Tubeway Army, can't? - No.
On your own, John! Oh, sorry! Blue Rondo à la Turk.
- Very good, indeed! - Well done, John.
That's the end of We've gotta say farewell to that beautiful, plump dove, 'cause that's the end of the round, and we must go straight over to George Dawes, - and say: - What are the scores, George Dawes? Monastery.
And the scores are: Mark Lamarr's team have got 8, and Ulrika's got a bit catching up to do, she got 7 points.
- Oh! - Come on, Ulrika, come on.
Pick up the paces, for the next round.
Now, the final round is against the clock, it's a quick fire round, we don't KNOW how much time we've got, we'll only no the time is up when we hear this noise: Thank you, George! So, let's get going.
It's a quick fire round, come on, Ulrika! Okay, away we go! - Who - Fingers on the buzzers! Fingers on the buzzers.
We really wanna see those fingers! Who hosts the snooker game show 'Big Break'? Jonsson! Jim Davidson.
Jim Davidson, indeed.
Correct answer.
Which actor was buried in 'Four weddings and a funeral'? Ross!!! Uh, Simon Callow.
Correct answer.
How many days a week is 'The Bill' broadcast? - Lamarr.
- Three? Three.
Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
Name a feathered bird.
- Ross.
- Pigeon.
No, it was a blackbird.
In the comedy films, what WAS the Pink Panther? A detective.
Oh, sorry Chris, no.
And we can't hand it over to you, John.
- I can hand it over to Jonathan.
- Hand it over to Jonathan.
What is it? It's a diamond.
It IS a diamond, correct answer.
Who played the television detective 'Columbo'? It's Ross.
- Peter Falk.
- Peter Falk.
Name Rupert Bear's badger friend.
Ross! - Friendly Badger.
- No.
Accurate, but that is not his name.
- And, who's that? - Craven.
- It's Bill.
- Bill the Badger! Well done! He did it well didn't he!? - You've got to hand it to Craven.
- Yep.
The Dingle family featured in which TV soap? - Dingles? - The Dingles family.
Come on, it's against the clock.
Come on! Nobody knows, carry on.
You're quite right.
- No, I know! - Shush! Do you - Emmerdale! - No, it's too late now, Ulrika.
Don't jump up like that too much now, Ulrika! Susan Brooks is the resident chef on which programme? Jonsson.
- 'This Morning'.
- Correct.
In which fictional borough is 'Eastenders' set? Oh! It's time.
The time is up! George? What are the final scores? Do I look like a dog? Well, do I? Well, tell me if I do.
Because The winners of this week's quiz, will be named after the losers, who got 10 points, that's Ulrika, because the winner is Mark Lamarr - with 12 points! - Well done, indeed.
- You've lost once again, shameful.
- I'm sorry.
As you know, nobody goes away from this quiz, empty handed.
Not at all, because you've won, as your consolation price, these Bob Hoskins face shadows.
That's right.
Here's Vic to explain.
Now it can be BT day, every day of the week! And you can have a BT atmosphere in your house every single day of the week, and not just Sundays! That's a fantastic price.
MARK!!! Once again the victor.
Now, you've got 12 points, we'll convert that to 12 quid's worth of Pounds.
And that's safe, right? But, we're gonna ask you to nominate one in your team, to go for the REALLY big money, and play the 'Prama-dinga-ling-long-dong'.
Who's it gonna be, Mark? John Peel.
John Peel! With the balls of steel! Well done! If you'd like to join me at the front here, John, I think we'll find my colleague Vic Reeves waiting for us there.
- Hello, John! - There he is! - How do you do? Nice to see you.
- Great to see you, yes.
Well, in front of us here, is a perfectly ordinary pram.
We're gonna ask you to get inside the pram Hmm, right And completely conceal yourself with this blanket.
As soon as you believe yourself concealed, shout out/cry out: "I've finished".
We'll then pull the hood down, and for any part of your body that is still showing, we'll deduct money from the potential 100 pounds you can win.
So, if you're ready, Mister John Peel? I've lived all my life for this, Bob.
Please Cover yourself, in this pram.
In you get! - There, he's going in, there.
- He's going.
I can see him, getting in, now.
I'm handing him the blanket.
There's a couple of legs in there.
There's some Oh, he's doing very well in there.
There's the blanket! He's starting to shield himself now with the blue blanket.
He's just tossing it, very gently over his Wait, I'll just give him a little hand, there.
- And How's that? - Covered! - He's covered! - He's covered, stop the clock! Or so he says.
Oh dear! I can immediately see, that the face is not covered.
So, that's I immediately must deduct 20 pounds.
And, I don't know if you can see, I think I can see a shoulder, which is part of the arm.
That's part of the arm, and another shoulder, - so we need do deduct another 20 pounds.
- 20 pounds Oh! - Oh, well.
Bob Hoskins' gone.
- He's back! John, you've done very well, 'cause you've concealed, for example your knees, your feet, your genitalia, of course! Which isn't exactly a limb, but it DOES count.
That's very well done, and I'm gonna give you 50 pounds to add to the 12 pounds you've already won.
62 pounds, John Peel! Well done! Come on out here and join in with John! That's fantastic! - Goodbye! - Goodbye from 'Shooting Stars'.
Goodbye, whoever you are