Tacoma FD (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 GRANNY: Oh, let's see what the emergency is today.
- You guys have been here before? - Oh, yeah.
Lucy, you are about to experience Gravatti the Hottie.
- She's a regular.
- Yeah, a regular pain in the ass.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
WOMAN: I need help in here! Afternoon, Mrs.
Gravatti.
Dispatch says you fell.
I did.
Last week.
Now I need somebody to carry me to my bed.
I'm looking at you, my little Hawaiian lion.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Oh, well, Mrs.
Gravatti, you're actually gonna be tended to by the rookie, Firefighter McConky, today.
No nookie for the rookie.
I want the Polynesian Wookiee.
Uh, Cap, can you tell her that it's Lucy's job now? Yeah, that would be the fair thing to do, except it's a lot funnier if you do it.
- Funnier? - Yeah.
- It's go time.
- Yeah.
Come on, my little pu pu platter.
- You've had enough of that.
- [GIGGLING.]
Ohh.
Mama's hungry for some poke.
Oh, well, that much fish isn't good for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you like it when I do it right there? No.
When you do it, no.
Oops.
Oh [GIGGLES.]
Tickles, doesn't it? [GIGGLING.]
- I know.
- Okay.
Maybe the rookie should come, too, for some on-the-job training.
Hard pass.
Thanks.
Whoo! ANDY: Okay, Mrs.
Gravatti.
Sleep it off.
Hey, let's give them their privacy, shall we? LUCY: Mahalo, little buddy! [POUNDING.]
ANDY: Guys, this is a fire hazard! Guys, don't leave without me! Guys! Guys! Aah! Unh.
All right.
Keep the shirt! A moment of silence for our naked first responder.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Lunchtime.
- Uh, rezie for four at Charlie's Steakers? - Make it three.
- Damn.
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED" PLAYS.]
Well, I'm hot blooded Check it and see I'm hot blooded [LAUGHTER.]
Damn, Cap.
That smells good.
Thank you, Granny.
Eggs Penisi and sausage is the only way to start the day.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Spin! - Ooh! - Wow! You see how he's making everything look super-difficult? - Yeah.
- That, my friends, is a sign of a good chef.
- No, it's the opposite.
- Oh, great.
Look at this.
No more Himalayan sea salt.
It's that Frenchie from the B-shift.
He uses it all up.
Eh, B-shift guys.
"Uhh, I'm on B-shift.
" Oh, man.
That O'Sullivan guy freaks me out.
You know, the really weird thing about O'Sullivan, is those freaky Bible versus that he has tattooed all over him.
No, those aren't Bible versus.
That's from "The Fault in Our Stars.
" Ah, man.
He's gonna regret that.
- What a dipshit.
- There we go.
Another perfect sausage.
- Ooh.
- Ohh! - Andy's! [LAUGHS.]
- Andy's! [LAUGHS.]
No, no.
Floor patties go to the rookie.
- What?! - Yeah.
No, because that would be hazing, - and we don't do that anymore.
- Right.
Stopped with you, actually, buddy.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Guess what.
I'm not gonna eat that patty.
- Sorry, Cap.
- What's the big deal? Any hair picked up off the floor is probably yours.
[LAUGHTER.]
For the last time, I'm not losing my hair.
- I'm thinning, tops.
- Dude, the top of your head looks like the nipple on a gorilla tit.
- Hey! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Good morning.
- Hola! Hey.
Mind your manners.
The lovely Vicki McConky is here.
- There she is! - Hey, Ma.
- What's up, sis? - What's this now? Is this trash, or is this Andy's? - How does this work? - That's still under discush.
- No, it's not.
That's trash, Chief.
- It's Andy's.
I also have something food-related.
We are hosting the pancake breakfast benefit for the hospital.
And Vicki's running it, so she's got something to say.
- Go! - All right.
So, we are having the breakfast on Sunday the 15th, and we need some of you - to supply the entertainment.
- Not it.
- Not it.
- No.
- Come on.
- Come on, you guys.
Granny, can I count on you to serenade the good townsfolk of Tacoma with that ukulele? I'm sorry, Vicki.
It's just not the right crowd for my uke.
IKE: Uh, I'll tell you what, Vick.
I may be able to shake my moneymaker in a family-friendly fashion for this little shindig.
Uh, is that even remotely possible? - No.
- [SIGHS.]
Come on.
My ass is up against a wall here.
I need some help.
Who wants to be a hero? Oh, well, I've been working on something.
- Great.
- It incorporates fire-safety education with modern-day urban youth culture.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I love that.
Let's hear it! Uh, I'd rather show you.
Hot, hot, hot! Uh, ha, uh, hoo Hot, uh, oh! My name is Flame-o, and I don't play 'em People think I'm cool, but this ain't no game-o Matches and lighters, they might seem like fun But without parental supervision It can hurt a ton Hot like the sun, burn everyone Wiki, wiki, wiki Fire can be tricky! Ba-ba-ba-ba! Word is burn-ah! [LAUGHTER.]
- Um - Shh.
Andy, do you [CLEARS THROAT.]
Honey, do you have anything else? - No, I don't.
- Dude, dude, I'm gonna say this as your friend.
Never do that again.
Well, it's not for you, Granny, okay? It's for the kids.
You know, it's a educational, endearing character.
Flame-o.
Uh, was Flame-o the absolute first name that came to your mind? [LAUGHTER.]
I'd like to see you try! I'd like to see any of you guys try! Any of you guys! Uh [DOOR HANDLE RATTLING.]
Someone open the door! You wanted to see me, Chief? Yeah, come on.
Sit down.
[SNIFFLES.]
What's the matter? Why you getting so emotional? I mean, it's just the razzing, Chief.
I thought since I'm no longer the rookie, that, you know, they'd stop dumping on me and it'd be Lucy's turn.
So you want them to give my daughter shit? No, it's not that No, I don't want No, you guys aren't listening to me.
I Okay.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just giving you the business.
That's what we do here.
Captain Penisi gives me guff all the time, and I saved his life.
But we care about each other.
They razz you 'cause they love you.
I'm just tired of that kind of love.
Hmm.
Bothers you that much, huh? Yeah, it kind of does.
You know what? I got a solution.
Come on.
- I'm gonna go change first.
- No, no, no.
Keep it.
- I like it.
Come on.
- Huh? You like it? - Yeah.
- Heh.
I like it.
If you're not from China, then no "peeking"! [LAUGHTER.]
- "No peeking.
" - Hey, listen up, listen up! I got a scheduling issue.
One of the guys on the B team has to switch his hours.
Oh, no.
Is one of those mutants coming over here? Just for a few weeks.
But But that means someone from here has to go over there.
- Not it.
- Not it.
- Not me.
- I've already decided, - it's gonna be Andy.
- Oh - What? - Sucks for you, dude.
- Oh, no.
- You're okay with this, right? - No.
Chief, come on.
- It solves some problems.
Go home, rest up, come back at 8:00 a.
m.
for the B-shift.
- Carry on.
- Have fun over there, Flame-o.
They're gonna love your Superman suit.
Say hi to Rudolph for us.
Man, those B-shift guys are gonna chew you up and eat you like a Like a Aw, man, like a sh - You got it.
- You can do it.
It's over now.
He's not even here.
Just do it anyway.
Do it for us.
- Like a shit sandwich.
- Okay.
Once you add the olive oil, rub it down.
I'm gonna cook the shit out of these things.
- Mmm, man! - Then I'm gonna eat 'em and then I'm gonna sleep my ass off! Fuck you, rain! [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Captain! [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER STOPS.]
Hi, guys.
The famous Andy Myawani.
- Aloha! - Ha ha! Hey! I am so excited I finally get to work with you! Man, you're so tall! And look at that hair.
We got a regular Fabio rock star here! I wouldn't say it's Fabio, 'cause I don't speak Italian.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, that's a good one! Hey, listen.
I live by this.
"There is no shortage of fault to be found amid our stars.
" That's beautiful, man.
Thank you.
Boys, welcome Andy.
Welcome.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hey, thank you.
Welcome, Andy.
- Come on! - We're so glad you're here.
- Welcome! - You're the best, man! You're so awesome! - What is that smell? - Ohh.
Cocoa butter.
Not that.
That.
It's breakfast.
You guys should try it.
Frenchie's a culinary genius.
Oh, thank you, Grandy man.
Saving lives is my job, but delighting palates ooh, that's my passion.
- Ooh! - Lucy.
- All right? - Thank you.
You're welcome.
Dick tap.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
No, you didn't! I definitely did.
What?! Chief, you never told us this guy could cook.
Look at this! Supervising multiple shifts is a delicate dance, Ike.
Plus, I gotta protect the ego of your captain.
Yeah, well, don't worry a hair on that pretty little stomach of yours.
Chef Penisi welcomes the competish.
Oh, good.
Here you go, Cap.
Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- I will.
Come on! Frenchie, this is awesome! Look at the presentation.
That little drippy stuff over here.
- You're the master.
- Damn right, I am.
It's good, right? I've had better.
[SCOFFS.]
IKE: I didn't even have to put lots of salt on my egg.
I didn't put any salt on these at all.
It's perfect.
- Right.
- They're perfect! This is the best omelet I've ever had.
You should give Captain some tips.
Anybody care for some créme brûlée? - For breakfast?! - Way! - Yeah.
Why not? - Yeah, I want one.
I take mine crunchy.
- You're the nicest guy ever.
- Aw, don't sweat it.
I love doing this stuff, and I'm really good at it.
[LAUGHS.]
Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his dick.
The bartender says, "You know you have a ship's wheel on his dick?" The pirate says, "Arrrgh, it drives me nuts.
" [LAUGHTER.]
- Really? - That's funny! Ellen DeGeneres funny! I can dance like her! Hm, hm, hm, hm Ooh, that gives me a great idea.
It's fun to work at Ta C, O, M, A F, D It's fun to work at Ta C, O, M, A F, D We are putting out fires Every single day The B-shift is on the way Hey, hey, hey! It's fun to work at Ta ANDY: Gravatti the Hottie again, huh? Sorry, Andy.
New guy gets the nuisance calls.
I get it.
Some things never change.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
New guy! Thank God you're finally here.
Well, uh, you're not the Gravatti I was expecting.
Oh, you mean my mom? Yeah, we barely even cross paths.
Our work schedules are completely different.
Well, that's not the only thing that's diff erent.
The battery in my smoke detector's dead.
Would it be okay if I got on your shoulders so I could change it? Uh, yeah.
- Hey! - Hey! You're on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend! [SIGHS.]
- I can't reach it.
- Aw, nuts.
But I think if I turn around and face the other way - Wait.
Really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Wow.
Okay.
Now? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
- And then, where do I go? - Yeah, this is good.
It's fun to work at Ta C, O, M, A [LAUGHS.]
What?! This is so stupid! I can't believe this thing went viral, right, guys? I mean I'm so embarrassed for those guys, man.
How many times have you watched that? Stop torturing yourself.
I'm not Easy.
I'm not torturing myself.
It's just like Aah! Why is he pretending to have fun? It's like an inside joke that we had, and he's doing this to bug me like he thinks it's gonna bug me.
Like, "Oh, I'm gonna be so mad that he's having fun.
" Like, go have fun, man.
Do whatever you want.
Live your own life.
You know what I mean? You see this part? Look.
These are my favorite people in the whole wide world! - That part.
- That's not Andy.
- That's not Andy.
- That's somebody else.
How come Frenchie isn't helping us? Yeah, where's he at? [SNIFFLES.]
Oh, he's out there rooting for truffles.
Everyone knows there's no truffles in Washington, idiot.
Shouldn't he be, like, you know, doing his job? - Yeah.
- I'm kind of glad he's not in here.
- Doesn't shower much.
- Is that what that smell is? Dude smells like the tropical zone at the zoo.
- I always assumed it was Lucy.
- What?! - Why would you think it's me? - [LAUGHTER.]
Because you're new, so whenever I smell a new odor, I always just assume it's you.
Stop doing that.
That's disturbing.
Okay.
[SCOFFS.]
Found a shit-ton of truffles out there.
Of course you did.
There's truffles everywhere in Washington.
- What's up, guys? - What's up? - Dick tap! - Ohh! [CACKLING.]
- Yes! - "Ha ha!" [SNORING, GAGGING.]
Can we please make him stop? I have ear plugs in, and I can still hear him.
[SNORING LOUDLY.]
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
You know, Andy never snored like that.
He always had that cute, little koala-bear snore.
It was just all Mmm-mmm! Sure, he grinded his teeth.
So what? Who cares if he's toothless when he's older? - "Hey, I hate Granny.
" - "Hey, Granny.
" All right.
I can't take this anymore.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Hey! [YAWNING.]
Aw, man.
I just woke up.
- Oh, you're up? - What's up, guys? Are you good? We're just making sure you got blankets and - Oh, yeah, dude.
- Stretching.
- All set.
[LAUGHS.]
- All right.
I do got to go make the bladder gladder, though.
- Ohh.
- Whoops.
- Ohh.
- Dick - Wh - tap! - Ooh! - [LAUGHS.]
- Rrrr! [LAUGHS.]
- Whoo! Hey, Frenchie.
You know what, man? IKE: I think the dick tap's kind of reached its saturation point, - you know, so - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, right! This guy officially sucks.
MAN: Say, Billy, how do you get down from a ladder? [SQUEAKY VOICE.]
You don't get down from a ladder.
You get down from a goose! Oh, ho, ho! I applaud the originality, fellas.
I'm just concerned it's too cerebral.
What are you guys up to? We're trying to come up with an act for the pancake breakfast, but so far, we got nothin'.
The hospital's counting on us! I might have something.
Burn everyone, wiki, wiki, wiki Fire can be tricky Check the extinguishers every six mumfs! Ba-ba-ba-ba-brrrr - Bravo! - Yeah! [NORMAL VOICE.]
It's educational, fun.
It hits on every level.
That's exactly what I was going for! And the name Flame-o.
It's like "flame" but more fun! - Exactly! - Andy, look at this.
"You were so busy being you, you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.
" You're gonna make me cry, man.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah, dude! - Ohh! Hot, hot! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! LUCY: Ooh! What's for breakfast? A little cheese quiche with whole-grain crust.
Delicious! Pretty heavy-handed pour with that Himalayan sea salt.
I guess that's why you go through it so fast.
With all due respect, Captain, nobody's exactly begging you to take back the cooking duties.
Oh, really? We'll see about that.
Hey, guys.
Whose cooking do you like better? - ALL: Frenchie's.
- Their opinion means nothing.
They're probably all delirious from salt poisoning.
You got something to say to me, Captain? Yeah.
Stop tappin' everybody's dicks.
I'm not tappin' everybody's dicks.
I'm just tappin' my friends' dicks.
So I guess you won't be tappin' my dick any time soon.
I would never dream of tappin' your dick, sir.
Good.
'Cause I don't like getting my dick tapped.
I wouldn't know how to tap it, because I wouldn't know how to find it.
You should ask your mother.
She knows exactly where it is.
Don't you dare bring my mama into this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Ho, ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey.
Let 'em go, Chief.
Not under my roof.
Come on.
Come on.
We'll settle this like men.
At the pancake breakfast.
Cook-off.
You and me.
We'll cook pancakes.
It doesn't matter what we cook.
You're gonna be eating my shit, sir.
Well, that's funny, 'cause your food tastes like shit.
Right, fellas? Ehh Nah, he makes some pretty good stuff.
Well, it tastes like that to me.
Yeah, we'll see ya on the flap, Jack.
Here's a whole nother one, guys.
- Ahh! - Dig in.
- Nice.
- You're amazing, dude.
Pancake cook-off, huh? That qualifies as entertainment.
Good job, Cap.
Boop! - Hey - We are friends.
You nailed him, Chief.
[LAUGHS.]
GRANNY: Uh-oh! Oh-ho! Cock-a-doodle-doo, look at you.
Hey, guys.
How are the goons on B-shift treatin' ya? Uh, not bad.
Uh, it's actually a pretty good fit.
Well, don't get used to it.
You'll be back next week.
Actually that's what I was here to talk to Chief about.
See if I can make it permanent.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You're just kidding, right? - Of course he's kidding.
Mya-wahhh-ni.
Mya-wahhh-ni.
Mya-wahhh-ni.
"I love the B team.
I'm Mya-wahhh-ni.
" "Er, er, er.
Mya-wahhh-ni.
" Make fun of Andy "Oh, my God, Andy.
Andy.
Andy.
Andy, you're the worst!" No, I'm not kidding.
I feel like I belong there.
They're nice to me.
Wait.
Little buddy! Little buddy! - Hey.
Hey.
- What's he talking about? Wait.
Does that mean we're gonna be stuck with Frenchie? Ladies, thanks for joining me in judging the contest.
Hope it's not too awkward, you know, with my home boss and my work boss.
What are you talking about, "home boss"? You don't listen to me when you're at home.
And your work boss is the fire commissioner.
Huh.
You guys are starting to sound alike.
Same disapproving tone.
"Bah-bah-bah-bah.
" Who are you Rodney Dangerfield? What, are you gonna make a mother-in-law joke next? Hm.
Great pancakes.
I used to do a ganache on this, but then I found the hazelnut is a better marriage of flavors.
Look at him just like a stupid Frenchman to bring a crepe to a pancake fight.
You need a little dusting.
'Cause if you don't have it, you're not gonna get that sweetness that it really requires.
Oh yeah, hey.
Good luck, Cap.
Thanks.
I don't need it, though.
I got talent and connections.
I mean, look at the judge's table.
We got my sister, my best friend/brother-in-law who I set up with my sister - As a joke.
- Yeah, but it still worked.
And you're here because of it, all right? Pipe down.
And we got Linda Price, who definitely wants to climb Mount St.
Eddie.
- What makes you think that? - Have you never seen the way she flips her hair whenever I'm around? - Nope.
- Well, if you do, let me know.
'Cause then I'll know it's game on.
- Hey-oh! - [LAUGHS.]
Hey, guys.
- Oh.
- Hey, Andy.
What's up, Andy? What's up, Andy? [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
Uh Nope, that's it.
Just uh, wanted to say hi and, uh, good luck, Cap.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Appreciate it.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- Yeah, cool, cool.
- Cool, cool.
- Cool, cool.
- Yeah, cool.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- ANDY: Yeah, cool.
- [UTENSIL SNAPS.]
Okay, there we go.
A Burmese slow leopard.
That's a fantastic paint job, Blocky.
Thanks, O'Sullivan.
ANDY: Maybe you can use some of those paints to cover up your bald spot.
[LAUGHS.]
Wow.
That came out of nowhere.
That's not really our style, Andy.
No, no.
I'm just razzing.
I mean, I can make that joke because I'm thinning, you know? Like, ha! Look at this gorilla tit, guys.
Ha ha! I see nothing but luxurious hair.
What? No, no, no.
You don't see scalp? - There's scalp.
- [FINGERS SNAP.]
"The marks humans leave are too often scars.
" - Amen.
- Uh, thanks, O'Sullivan.
Hey, buds.
I guess all I got is a chocolate crepe with a hazelnut ice cream.
Slivered almonds in a semi-sweet chocolate paste on top.
Thank you, man.
You're the best! You're damn right I am.
[LAUGHS.]
- Dick tap.
- Ohh! That's so fun! We keep - We keep doin' that.
- Right? - It never gets old.
- No, it doesn't.
That's why I do it.
Hello.
Hello, Tacomaners! After much deliber-eating we have come to a unanimous decision.
We have a winner of the pancake-cooking contest.
Will the contestants please rise? Oh.
You're already up.
Okay, now, one of these guys is the winner.
Well, they're both winners, 'cause there are no losers here.
There are only winners.
I think when I announce the winner, they will both be happy for each other.
And when I do announce the winner, it'll be Hey, Terry.
Come on.
Here we go.
Great.
Okay.
Uh, the winner is Frenchie Willikers! - Whoo! - What?! Sacrebleu! That's gotta hurt, bud! - Ha-ha! Whoo, whoo, whoo! - No.
No.
No, no, no.
That's bullshit.
All right.
Eddie, this is a family event.
- You didn't vote for me? - You're not that good.
He's a better cook than you are.
And you? My own sister.
You didn't love my pancakes? I liked your pancakes.
In an instant-mix, chain-hotel, "breakfast buffet on a Tuesday" kind of way.
But you.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Ahh.
And the crepes? Come here! - Mwah! Mwah! - Thank you.
Come over to our house whenever.
- Aw.
Thank you, Vicki.
- Okay.
Okay.
I see.
I see.
And you? You and I are never hooking up.
I'm sorry.
Who are you again? - I'm Eddie Penisi.
- All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, we filled your bellies.
Now let's fill your ears.
Everyone, stop, drop, and roll for the stylings of Flame-O! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Who's ready to feel the b-u-u-u-urn?! Bur-bur-bur-bur-bur, bur-bur-bur-burn! No, Andy.
Don't do it.
Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! My name is Flame-o, and I don't play-mo You might think I'm cool, but this ain't a game-o - Um, uh - Boo! Matches and lighters, they might look like fun [GUESTS BOOING.]
You can hurt yourself I can't watch this, man.
- Wait.
- It's embarrassing.
[GUESTS BOOING.]
Now I know what it feels like to get dick-tapped.
Huh.
It's, uh Come on.
Watch it.
[UKULELE PLAYING.]
Hey, buddy.
Fire Oh, fire Fire is deadly Remember this medley Don't smoke in buildings Whoa-oh, oh, fire Oh.
Okay.
Oh, fire More fire Fire is deadly Oh, yeah, fire Be safe, kids.
Fire is deadly - Safety first.
- Yeah.
Don't smoke in buildings Check your fire detectors.
Fire is deadly - Every six months.
- Oh, oh, you I miss you, little buddy.
I miss seeing your hair in the drain in the shower, and I miss grabbing the stuff on the high shelves for ya.
Ah, man.
I miss your creatine farts.
What are we doin'? We only gave you shit 'cause we love you.
I know that now.
I love you guys, too.
Hey, man.
Forget this jazz.
You wanna get out of here? - Yeah.
- The only way we know how.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
EDDIE: Welcome home, Andy.
The Gravatti honors are yours.
I discovered some things on the B-shift.
Sometimes Gravatti duty isn't as bad as it seems.
- What does that mean? - It means that I got this.
Take five.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Door's open! Hello? Uh where are you? - Ohh.
- The Hawaiian lion.
- Hi? - You first-responded to my wife.
She fell.
You first-responded to my daughter.
How's your smoke detector working? Let's see how you respond to this.
No.
I love having Andy back.
All is right in the world.