Tacoma FD (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Training Day

1 This is Captain Edward Penisi to dispatch.
You're a go.
MAN: The Tacoma Fire Department welcomes Ms.
Parker's fifth grade class from Patterson Elementary School and Councilwoman Linda Price.
Yeah, that's you guys.
All right, kids, come on over here.
All right, first up the fire pole.
We slide down this when we're ready to race off to a fire.
- How you doing? Okay, it's important for firefighters to always Hey, let me slide down that pole, fire guy! Hunter the kid from the well.
How do I get up that pole?! - You don't.
- Okay, then.
Let's mess with the Dalmatian.
We actually don't have one.
The Chief doesn't like dogs.
That guy's a boner! He still owes me 25 bucks and a vape! Remember, Captain, little Hunter is a hero.
You're doing great.
All right, come on, everybody.
Right this way.
- They're all yours.
- All right, Cap, thank you.
Hey, guys.
This is the engine truck.
We use this on all of our house calls, people get lock Hey, everybody, this is the guy I kicked in the nuts in Episode 258: - The Sky Below.
Well, someone's not gonna be keeping their little helmet after the tour.
And this is my ding dong! Hey, buddy.
You know, that hose is very powerful.
It shoots water at 400 PSI.
Now, do you know what PSI stands for? It stands for "Corrupt dem nuts, shorty.
" Come on, man.
Oh, uh, one more photo by the truck.
- Come on, everyone.
- Oh, yeah, sure, a picture.
Oh, not All right, over here.
- My name is Granny Smith - Hey.
and I am the station medic, and I'm also a firefighter, so I help fight fires.
Who charged that hose? Andy, did you close the gate on that deck cannon? Going viral, bitches! [ALL SCREAMING.]
Huh?! You want some?! How about you? - How about you?! - [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
- Who wants some?! - Get down! Get down! - Oh, yeah! - No! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh! Whoa! - Come here, you little brat.
I'm pissed! All kids, cover your ears! You mother [BLEEP.]
Your balls are mine! And I'm gonna run them over with my scooter! I guess I did forget to close the gate.
Well, I'm hot blooded Check it and see I got a fever of 103 I'm hot blooded - Oh! Whoa! - Out the garage! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Subscribe! Subscribe! Subscribe! Subscribe! Subscribe! Oh, my God, man.
I'm subscribing, dude.
Don't subscribe to him.
Hey, keep that shame helmet on, okay? - You wear it all week.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you messed up and left the gate open, okay? - Punishment for you.
- Boo, boo! - Shame! Shame! - I got it! - Morning.
- Hey, Chief.
- Hey, good morning.
- Good morning.
Myawani, put that shame helmet back on.
All week long.
Okay, so it should come as no surprise that Linda Price wants blood.
Oh, well, I believe the TFD blood drive falls on May 5th this year, so I'm happy to send a flier to her office.
Okay, that's not, uh The Commissioner spent the morning trying to talk her down.
So we're off the hook.
No, to appease her, the station has been ordered to undergo a mandatory training recertification.
- What? - Aww, boo! - The station? - I just got I just got certified.
- That includes captains.
- Double boo, that's it.
Okay, sorry.
The cert trainer will be here this morning.
Enjoy your training day.
Oh, Eddie.
You'll be happy to hear the trainer is none other than Wolf Boykins.
Boykins? You got to be kidding me.
Who is Wolf Boykins? The worst firefighter ever.
He went through Academy with me and Terry.
He's one of those guys who teaches 'cause he can't do.
Oh, like a captain.
- Ah! Hey, man, come on.
- I love this thing.
You think the Captain busts balls.
He was relentless on Wolf.
- He deserved it.
- They always do, right, Eddie? Yes, they do.
You just remember he controls your certification, so mind your manners, and be nice.
- Maybe.
- Wait, Chief, don't you have to get certified? No.
Chiefs don't get certified.
I'm a chief! But Linda Price did give me my own pain-in-the-ass assignment.
I have to file a sensitivity compliance report tomorrow.
We should start by getting softer toilet paper for the bathrooms, if I may.
Yes, yes, I vote yes.
That's not the sensitivity I was talking about.
Now that we have a female firefighter, I have to go down the checklist to make sure we comply.
I told you, no special treatment.
Regardless, the place has to be suitable for women.
We need adequate facilities.
No longer are we allowed to use improper gender-specific language.
Like what? I made a list "Things we are no longer allowed to say.
" From now on, we are firefighters, not firemen.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, that's fair.
- Fine.
- We can no longer call each other pussies or douche bags.
I got called both those names, so I'm happy.
The hose nozzle will no longer be called the knob.
Aw, man.
- Come on.
- What are we gonna call it? I mean, it's the knob.
When we charge the line, we no longer shout, "Make the hose round and hard.
" - Aww, come on! - That's the best one! And the person sliding down the pole will no longer be "polishing the pole.
" Can we even say "pole"? [LAUGHS.]
Actually, in the Academy, all the men were required to call it the floor-to-floor conveyance device.
Seriously? Seriously.
So, no, you can't say "pole," but I still can.
- Oh.
- But, Chief, we can still use that phrase periodically, though, right? Andy, you cannot say "periodically.
" - Come on.
- Wha Dude, times have changed.
Up in Olympia, they have this Dalmatian named Spot.
Had to change the name 'cause that's super inappropriate - to menstruating women.
- Mm.
They renamed him, but he wouldn't respond to anything else so they had to put him down.
- What? - Krk! [SIGHS.]
They put the dog to sleep because because of what, women's lib or something? But you got to get it, too, right? Yeah, remind me never to go to Olympia.
All right, enough of this.
I'm gonna post this list out in the break room.
Add to it if you want.
In the meantime, have a great training day, everybody.
I like it.
The dog that's a nice touch.
- You're good, noob.
You're good.
- What can I say? It's the Penisi in me.
All right, easy on these guys.
This cert training's gonna be busted.
What a pain in the ass.
Humping the gear, taking the test, racing the clock I mean, we're seasoned veterans.
- Yes, we are.
- Let's make it interesting.
How about this? Person who tests the highest wins the Fart Jar.
- Mmm.
- Ooh! Right? Want to try it? Fart Jar, everyone, okay? - [LAUGHS.]
- [FARTS.]
My deposit for the week.
- Here we are.
- Yeah, see, Granny, that's why I always carry singles.
No, you carry 'em 'cause you hang out in strip clubs.
- I guess.
- Wow, that is a lot of farts.
Oh, you think this is a lot? This is just the tip.
Hold on.
Look at this.
- Yeah.
- Boom.
- Boop! - Oh, yeah.
- Bong.
- Wait.
- November? - Wow.
You guys have had a big year.
It's a lot.
Hey, just so you guys know, I'm still in top training form from the Academy, so you guys are toast.
Are women even eligible? I mean, do you even fart? [LAUGHTER.]
MYAWANI: I think they're like Barbies.
They don't have butts.
How is that offensive? If you don't know it's inappropriate, it's even more offensive.
Oh, is that so? [ALARM BLARING.]
Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Just with my naked eye, I can spot seven things you guys did wrong before you even rolled out of the garage, so it's gonna be a long day.
Everybody, this is Wolf Boykins.
Wolf Boykins, your certification trainer.
Captain, long time no "Peni-see.
Good one.
This I love it not regulation.
Lose it.
- Hey! - Hey! Wolf Boykins, how the hell are ya? Eh, okay.
Good to see you, Chief.
Good to see you.
We're excited to have you.
As a matter of fact, the Captain was just telling me how excited he is.
- Tell him.
- I I said that.
I said I'm really excited to see Wolf today.
Well, that's great, 'cause the word on the street is you guys are a bunch of hosers of little kids and one unlucky councilwoman.
So, I'm here because you guys are slop-py.
Pbbt! But I'm the napkin, okay? So welcome to the wolves den.
Awrooooo! Hey, why don't we all do it just to kick off the session right, huh? On three One, two, three Awroo! - Awroo.
- Awoo.
I promise you, it's not gonna be weird if everybody does it, okay? Awrooo! - Wooooo.
- Huh? [HUMMING.]
Bathroom sensitivity compliance.
Oh, look at this crap.
Grandcougar? That's disgusting.
What's wrong with these guys? Naked Ass Girls? Oh, man.
Oh, shut up.
"Hot Grill on Grill Action" Summer recipes, I love it.
- Uh-huh.
I always pegged you for a European tits guy.
I was reading an article.
Yeah, right on.
What are you doing in here? [CHUCKLES.]
Going to the bathroom.
This is the men's room.
Well, when we get a women's room, let me know.
Okay, you know what? New rule.
From now on, you use the Chief's restroom until we make other arrangements.
Dad, I said no special treatment.
I'm not gonna share a bathroom with you.
The guys would never let me hear the end of that.
Hey, I'm the Chief, and that's the way it's gonna be.
Fine, you want to do everything up to compliance? Then you have to install a tampon dispenser in there.
What, like one of those coin-operated things? And will you put those menstrual cups in? - Those are great.
- I don't even know what that is.
Oh, and we also need a bidet.
Like the water jet thingy? They're regulation now.
They're in all women's rooms.
Where do you get a bidet? Home Depot.
And don't worry.
I'll bring my own porn.
Not in my bathroom! - [SIGHS.]
- All right, here we go.
All right, what the Mnh.
- Cool suspenders.
- Thanks.
They're a gift from Rudy Giuliani.
- America's Mayor.
- Oh, yeah, right.
I forgot how connected you were.
Oh, my gosh, thanks for joining us, McConky.
What an honor.
Okay, now, listen.
A firefighter's turnout gear is their most important piece of equipment, okay? Putting it on quickly is essential.
So, first up, the 39-second drill.
You guys have 39 seconds to get into your full gear.
Until you get 39 seconds, you are not certified.
My personal best is seven seconds.
I don't expect you to hit that.
All the gear everything seven seconds? Yeah, maybe six.
I I wasn't you know.
Man, I bet everybody here would love to see you do that in seven seconds.
- Yeah.
- That'd be great.
I'm sure you all would.
I'm sure you all would.
But it's not about me.
It's about you guys today.
Though this does remind me of the time when my SCBA malfunctioned in the middle of this fire And go! - Oh! - Go! [ALL GRUNTING.]
Tick, tick, tick And time! [GROANS.]
Not bad, McConky 32 seconds.
The rest of you clowns fail.
While you were getting zipped up, Little Jimmy's wooden leg burst into flames.
I'm sorry, he's dead.
So we're all gonna do it again except McConky.
Next! Uh, steady, Penisi you wish.
Next! What, did you stop for a taco halfway down? Next! How's your pole technique? - Ike.
- Oh We have already covered this, buddy.
No, I know.
I mean, how is your, uh, floor-to-floor conveyance technique? Relax.
I'm not gonna report you to FOOFA.
FOO FOOFA? The Female Order Of Firefighters Association? What are That's a thing? It is, but you need at least five infractions before FOOFA sanctions you.
And you only have four, so, we're cool.
How - Crystal? Crystal! - Okay - Crystal, you're up! - 'Cause I'm trying oh, man.
- Crystal! - Wait, what are sanctions? Crystal!! Quit with the yackety-yak, okay? You're up.
Okay, I got to go.
Don't lose focus.
The problem with losing focus is you can start to lose focus, and of the thing you tan to take the Australian table wine.
Oh! - Whoa! Hey, hey! - Oh! Oh! Take his belt off.
Take his belt off.
And I'm dead! - Ah.
- Oh, are you kidding me? A firefighter has got to be ready for anything, including their instructor having a seizure.
That is a fail.
Well Well, that's not cool.
That's not cool.
- - Ah.
Some new additions.
I don't think you spell it like that.
What's wrong with that? - Hey, Chief? - Yeah.
I'd like to file an official complaint under the new sensitivity compliance guidelines.
You want to file a complaint? Yes, sir.
Against Wolf Boykins.
- For what? - He said I look like Baby Godzilla.
- You're serious? - Yes.
- Okay, okay.
- It was in front of everyone, and everyone laughed, and it made me feel uncomfortable.
His real name is Minya Baby Godzilla's real name.
Hmm? Thanks, Chief.
You got it.
Do you look like Baby Godzilla? What? No! [SIGHS.]
Mm BOYKINS: Can anybody tell me the three things Penisi's doing wrong right now? Somebody, please? Anybody? Smith, what's the most important part of mating a hydrant? - Uh - Fail.
Dah! My baby! My baby! A dingo ate my baby! - Not gonna work, Wolf.
- Oh, look.
Who dropped their $20 million bill? - Not working, Wolf.
- Hey, hey! - Hey! Hey! - Come on! - And that is a fail.
You see your crew? They're all relying on you for water, but, nope, now they're dead.
Come on, Wolf.
'Cause someone had an air horn at a fire? You know, it's funny bring that up.
Back in '09, we had a fire and very low water pressure.
So here I am.
I'm up on the 60th floor, and I'm pulling down ceilings, you know Oh, really? That's weird, 'cause there's no building in Tacoma that's taller than 30 stories.
What's that, now? What I'm saying is you couldn't have been on the 60th floor, 'cause there's nothing in Tacoma that's even half that height.
- Ooh! - Maybe I wasn't in Tacoma.
Oh, so you worked for a different fire department? I'm confused, 'cause your story's just kind of got some holes in it.
It never stops with you, does it, Penisi? You never know when to hold that pretty little tongue of yours.
Well, guess what.
Now it's gonna come back, and it's gonna hurt your whole crew.
Exactly how do you mean that, sir? You want this crew certified? Okay.
Well, we'll be here all day and all night.
'Cause it's my game now.
And it just went into the fifth quarter.
The fuck are you talking about? Wolfball.
Okay, bunk room privacy.
Easy peasy.
I can't take this guy anymore.
You got to get in there.
You're pushing his buttons.
That's what you do.
I'm not.
The guy's full of shit.
I get it.
Eddie Penisi doesn't suffer fools.
But, hey, sometimes you got to suck it up and apologize.
I'm not apologizing to this guy.
He controls your certification.
Just apologize.
And not one of those half-assed apologies you do.
You know, like, the [GRUFF VOICE.]
"I'm sorry.
" Oh, that's how I say I'm sorry? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah, that's how you say it.
"I'm sorry" that's what I do? - [GRUFF VOICE.]
I'm sorry.
Okay, check this out.
Totally insincere.
I don't believe it for a second.
- You do it.
- All right, watch, ready? I'm sorry.
The worst.
- What are you talking about? - The worst.
Also, fake.
- Check this out.
I'm really sorry.
I never meant to hurt you.
I swear, I'm so sorry.
Straight up, I'm sorry.
Don't you blame yourself.
I did it.
I'm sorry.
Holy shit, man.
I I am so sorry.
How could I? I'm so sorry.
- It's my fault.
- I didn't even think about you.
- It's my fault.
- I'm so sorry! I'm sorry.
I'm fuckin' sorry.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
Hey, um What'd you guys do to each other? [CHUCKLES.]
What is it, Ike? Uh, W-Wolf's ready for us, but but just work this out.
I mean, you got time.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have barged in Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- All right, come on.
Let's go.
- All right.
Oh, Chief, good.
Wolf, hey, listen, the Captain has something he'd like to say to you.
Well, I have something to say to you.
It's time for the agility test.
Cap, go ahead.
Line it up.
Oh, you know what? Pretend I'm not here.
- Go ahead.
- No, you, line it up.
You're doing it, too.
Uh, I'm the Chief.
And I need to certify everyone, m'kay? Now, I've let you slide no more.
Listen, Wolf, uh, I have a sensitivity compliance report I need to file with the Commissioner's office by EOD, so Ooh, EOD, mmm, you must be a BFD.
Well, I tell you what.
You're not gonna have a lot of time to fill out forms when you're spending a month in my boot camp, AKA Campo de Lobo.
Mm? That is, unless you think maybe you can't pass the test.
You ready for this, Chief? Hold on.
What is this? Oh, geez.
Dense baby dummy.
50 pounds.
Carry it up the stairs for training purposes.
You got 30 seconds to get up there, ring that bell, and get back down.
- And go! - You got it, Chief.
- Oh! - [SIGHS.]
Not too bad 45 seconds.
I guess we'll have to go again.
And go! - Yay, let's go, Chief! - Come on! Whoo! - Come on, Chief! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Oh, 40 seconds.
- All right! You're getting closer.
Tell you what.
I'll give you one more chance.
- Aww, 50 seconds.
Someone's going the wrong direction.
Tell you what.
I'll let you catch your breath, and then I'm gonna give you one more chance.
All right, so I should I apologize now? How you want me to do it? Like, I'm really sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Fuck this guy.
- Yeah! Now, listen! Take the ladder out of the back of the truck, put it against the wall, climb to the top in 20 seconds.
Piece of cake, right? Well, let me tell you one of my own little ladder experience stories, okay? Back in 2006, we had the Milton Street fires.
Remember that? My truck was the first one on the scene, of course, so what do I do? I scale the aerial, right? Get a view of the fourth floor.
There I see a woman with not one, not two, not three, maybe four babies, all of them infants.
She was breastfeeding.
It was crazy.
Hey, wh what who's doing that? Hey! Hey, hey Hey, who's doing that? McConky, okay.
M-McConky, let me down! Let me down! A firefighter has to be ready for anything, right, Wolf? Shut up, McConky.
I'm afraid of heights.
I remember that from the Academy.
Put me down right now, you you shit pussy fuck grabbing leather scratching motherfucker! [HIGH-PITCHED.]
McConky! Let me down! He's crying like a little girl! [CHUCKLES.]
I mean, like a genderless creature.
He's crying like a genderless creature.
Where's your dense baby now, Wolf? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Fail, fail, fail! I'm calling Linda Price! I can't hear him up there.
What's he saying? I think he's saying no one's gonna win the Fart Jar.
I'll see you motherfuckers at Campo de Lobo! [HIGH-PITCHED.]
McConky! Let me down! Eddie can't control himself.
Eddie doesn't suffer fools.
Eddie's a loose cannon.
I don't know what happened.
Something just came over me.
Yeah, well, from now on, I should be allowed unlimited wise-assery.
You're right.
You are right.
You know what? Hey, a firefighter does not behave like that.
Now we have to spend a month with that jack hole.
Honestly, I am sorry.
Wait a second.
That was a good one.
- I believe that "I'm sorry.
" - I meant it.
I got to tell you, it was pretty funny seeing that guy up on the ladder though, huh? I know.
A firefighter that's afraid of heights? Whaaat? [LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah - Oh, man.
Well, I'm gonna go file that sensitivity report.
Camp with that asshole's gonna suck! Well, my other job takes up all my free time.
Don't know what I'm gonna tell them.
- DISPATCHER: MVA Rome and Anderson Street.
Engine 24 rescue.
Medical personnel required.
Right around the corner.
Let's hit it.
Holy shit, it's Wolf! Hey, do you know your name? W-Wolfgang Harold Boykins III.
- Do you know where you are? - In the Wolf-mobile.
Hold on, he's doing it again.
It's another ruse.
I don't think so, Cap.
He's crying Wolf, literally.
Cap, he's hurt.
So v-v-very c-c-cold.
Oh, I got the AC on.
Check the blood.
It's fake.
SMITH: Dude, he has a pole going through his body.
Come on.
Oops, no, okay, that's real blood.
Ike, call an ambulance.
Uh, we need an ambulance on site.
Victim has a fence pole err, uh, a fence a a fence supportive device.
Don't report me to FOOFA, okay? I'm trying to work here.
Cut the shit and just say it, Ike.
I made FOOFA up.
Victim has double-penetration from a stiff pole, causing a deep gash and heavy blood flow.
There, I said it.
I can't believe you made that up! - [SIREN CHIRPS.]
- If I don't make it, Granny, I want you to have my Barry Manilow records.
Maybe this is just the morphine talking, but consider yourselves all passed.
- You get that? - Oh, yeah, Cap.
Young McConky here is the number-one trainee today.
- What?! - You get that? You know, you kind of remind me of a young me when I was me.
You know, it's funny.
When I was a rookie, we got a call to the zoo about a lion that had escaped, and and the lion had purple wings and braided hair Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hey, Wolfie, no hard feelings, okay? I just wanted to say, this pole's a real nice fit on you.
You look like an asshole Popsicle.
I have to get the last word in.
What'd you say to him? I told him I was really sorry.
Good for you, Eddie.
Good for you.
- Come on.
- Looks like those Fart Jars are mine, fellas.
Well, I know somebody that's buying us drinks tonight.
Deal, and I know just the perfect place.
Ah! Well, I know how much you guys love strip clubs, so the least I could do is buy you a drink here.
This is super inappropriate.
Yeah, way over the line.
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Crystal Hose! [PEOPLE CHEERING.]
Here he comes! - Oh, boy.
- What's up, guys? - What's up, dude? - Hey, buddy.
Kitchen closes at 10:00, but I'll tell Fernando if you want something, okay? - Really? - Yeah.
I'll be about 20 minutes.
Yeah! I've never been so proud of you.
Thanks, Lucy.
Whoo! Man, it's kind of awesome knowing where Ike gets all his singles from.
Wait, you guys have never seen Ike dance here before? - Why would we? - Because he's your friend.
Dude, I don't go to Andy's Carpet Land job to go see him.
You're welcome anytime, though.
All you guys are.
Give the people what they want! Whoo! Hey, behave yourself.
Lucy, sit down.
Oh, it's fun.
He thinks it's fun! Wait, what was that? That's kind of a Oh, hey, hey! Put me down! I am a firefighter! Hey! Dad! Put - Put me down! - You gonna do something about that? Hey, let go of me! Hey, four more purple knobs, please.
- Aww, thanks, Chief.
- Yeah.
Put me down! Hey, that's my helmet!
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