Tacoma FD (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

A New Hope

1 - Clear! - Clear! Whoa! Go! Go! Go! Not clear! Excuse me.
Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop! There we go! Looks we found our canaries in a coal mine.
All right, enough of the perv committee.
- Come on, let's go.
- This is gonna last forever! - Oh, there you go! - Aah! - Oh, my God! Get out! - What the hell?! Carbon monoxide leak in the building, folks.
You need to get out.
Okay, well, just give us a minute so we can finish up.
Are you crazy? There's a gas leak.
Okay.
Well, just let us get dressed.
- Okay, come on.
- Come on, let's go.
Hey, disconnect those two and get them outside.
Andy and I will search right, you guys go left.
We'll meet at the stairwell in 10.
And keep your mask on.
We don't know how bad this gas leak is.
Copy.
What is wrong with you people? I am a first responder.
- Yeah.
- Just one quick second.
This only takes one second.
Hey! Hey, Tony, why did you kill the music, man? I'm not Tony.
Tacoma FD.
Yeah, right.
Nice outfit, dude.
What are you guys doing here? Gas bongs, brah.
[BUBBLING] Hello! Anybody home? Captain! Okay, ma'am, stay calm.
Oh, my cat.
My cat Rumpelstiltskin! We're gonna get you out of here.
Cap, Chief said to keep our masks on.
Do I ever do what he tells me? Yeah, but Chief's the Chief.
And if he told you to jump off a building, would you? I did last week.
Just take her out.
I'll get the cat.
Listen to me, fireman.
Let me just blow a little bit of smoke in your gas hole.
I said no! What the hell?! You know this mask is expensive.
Yeah, so is this.
That's my weed, man.
Let's go.
Get out of here.
- You're a dick.
- Tell it to your barber.
IKE: Come in, Chief.
What's up, Ike? It's Captain Penisi, sir.
He took in a lot of gas.
We have to help him out.
Where's his mask? He gave it to an old lady, sir.
Ah, come on.
All right, we'll clear the floor.
- You get him outside.
- Copy, sir.
- Out.
- Idiot.
I hope he pukes in the parking lot.
That'll teach him to take his mask off.
Shit, Eddie, come on.
Eddie, I was just kidding.
Look out, look out, look out, look out.
EDDIE: Come on, buddy, stay with me.
Come on, Rumpelstiltskin.
Come on, don't quit on me now, buddy.
Stay with me.
Hey, he's gone, all right? He had nine good ones, man.
Let him go! Bullshit! Not on my watch! [CROWD GASPS] Stay with me here! [RUMPELSTILTSKIN MEOWS] - Ugh! - Man! [RUMPELSTILTSKIN MEOWS] [APPLAUSE] Come on, get up.
Get up.
I thought that was you on the ground.
[COUGHS] You all right? [COUGHING] It's cool.
Furball.
Furball.
Well, I'm hot blooded Check it and see Got a fever of 103 I'm hot blooded [THUNDER RUMBLING] Yeah.
Mmm! - Yeah.
- Yeah! - Baby! - Come on! - Son of a prick! - Yeah, winner! Losers! Yeah, whoo! Winner-loser what? I bet that you would spill sauce on yourself on the first bite, and they guessed the second.
- Thanks, Chief.
- What was the bet? Loser sleeps in a satin teddy for a month.
- Ooh.
- That was the bet? - You guys sound bored.
- Yeah, kind of.
We haven't had a fire in weeks.
That's a good thing, Ike.
- You should get a hobby.
- I got a hobby, Chief.
I do needlepoint.
Eh? - Oh, deer.
- Let me see.
- Oh, that's super cute.
- Thank you.
You should knit yourself a toupee.
[LAUGHS] That's a funny joke, but I'm not even bald, so But you're starting to bald.
I'm starting to thin, maybe, but no.
So you should knit yourself a toupee.
I mean, it's needlepoint, so it keeps me calm.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you look calm.
IKE: Yeah, it looks like it's calming you down.
Don't aggravate him.
There will be hell toupee.
[LAUGHTER] Maybe both of you guys should find a hobby.
"Hell toupee.
" Hey, why don't you guys play cards or tell jokes like the old days? Man, the old days are busted.
What? Jokes are great.
Come on, Andy, tell a joke.
- Chief, I'm not good at jokes.
- You're great at jokes.
Come here.
Come on.
Let's go, up here.
- Come on.
- Andy.
- Come on, Andy.
- Come on, get up here.
- Do it, man.
- Come on.
TERRY: Don't be afraid to put yourself out there.
- Okay, okay.
- Come on.
Friendly room, guys.
Come on, Andy.
Everybody gather around.
Myawani's gonna tell a joke.
Come on, man, come on! Here we go.
Wait till we're seated.
- Okay.
- All right.
No opener? [THUNDER RUMBLING] Let's see.
Uh A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel around his dick.
[LAUGHS] Bartender says, uh, "You know you have a ship wheel on your dick?" The pirate says, "Arr! It drives me nuts.
" So - Fuck you, guys.
- No, no, no.
Wait.
Who put the ship's wheel on his dick? - What? - Who put the wheel on his dick? All right.
It was okay.
Hey, what's all this crap? Gifts for Cap.
- - He's a celebrity.
- Ah, give me a break.
- [DOOR OPENS] EDDIE: Hey, check it out.
Nut Nuts Doughnuts made me cat doughnuts.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Nice.
- Cute.
Siamese cat, anyone? Hmm? Chiefy, you know you want some.
So what? You save a cat and all of a sudden you're a star? Yeah, I'm a hero.
Heroes get gifts.
Look at this.
Cat mat.
Shock the cat right off your couch.
You'd love it.
That seems terribly cruel and inhumane.
Whatever.
Granny revived seven people.
How come he's not on the front page? Do I have to spell it out for you? Is it because you're black? No, you racist.
Because people love cats.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah.
I love cats.
I love animals you can eat.
Mmm! - Oh! - Son of a prick! - How many times is that already? - Number two.
Why don't you just slow down and get it in your mouth? It's not a speed issue.
I got a big torso.
Sauce naturally falls on it.
By that logic, if we stuff you into a girdle, you'll stop spilling.
I don't want to wear a girdle.
- Oh! - Chief! Dab it, for God's sake.
You're mashing it all around.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on! Do the whole shirt so it's pink.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Listen up.
Downtown finally assigned us a new rookie.
Probie starts today.
- Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Come on! It's about time.
I'm gonna make him go out to that parking lot - and kick rocks for no good reason! - Yeah! I'm gonna make him pop out the dents in my Thermos.
Yeah.
Oh, man, I'm gonna make him feel, like, so uncomfortable.
[THUNDER RUMBLING] - Oh, man! It's gonna be awesome! - Okay, okay, listen.
There are a few wrinkles I need to talk to you about.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, Luce, what's up? - Hey, Dad.
Honey, can you wait outside for a second? We have some things we got to finish up here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
- Ooh, when the probie gets here - [DOOR CLOSES] I'm gonna make him renew my passport.
Oh, oh, and we should make him wear thigh-high boots.
[LAUGHTER] I'm gonna make him call me sensei.
Okay.
- I like that.
- Listen.
There will be no hazing of the probie.
- What? - Why not, Chief? Because it's degrading and it undermines unit cohesion.
What? You love hazing.
I've never supported hazing.
- What? - Really? Yeah! - Yeah! - How's that, buddy? You guys, you guys, now pull him out of there and let's put his head in the toilet! I don't know, Chief.
Oh, come on.
You guys are too soft.
I'll do it.
Regardless, there will be no hazing.
Chief, what? - Come on.
- This is ridiculous! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- ANDY: Now you're getting this back.
- You're kidding, right? - Come on.
IKE: Coming from you, that's rich.
- It doesn't add up.
- This is the worst.
TERRY: Yeah, well, that's how it's gonna be.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Is Lucy the new probie? I wanted to talk to you guys about that.
- Chief.
- Um And you're just telling us now? Don't act surprised.
You knew she was in the training program.
I thought she was going for a desk job downtown.
Well, she wants to be a firefighter.
Yeah, but, Chief, she's a girl.
Yeah, so what? Well, we've never had a girl firefighter before, sir.
There are plenty of stations with female firemen.
Get used to it.
Says the biggest chauvinist here.
- Oh, I'm a chauvinist? - Yeah.
That's ridiculous.
I have three daughters.
But you always said that women can't be firefighters.
I have never said that.
Unbelievable.
Look at Seattle girl firefighters.
Ha.
What are they gonna do, paint their trucks pink? [LAUGHS] They'll probably get lost on the way to the fire.
What would your mom think about that? That was a long time ago.
That was last year.
ANDY: Plus, we only have one bunk room.
Where is she gonna sleep? In Afghanistan, the men and women slept in the same barracks.
Yeah, well, this isn't Afghanistan.
You sure? Because it seems to me you want your daughter to wear a burka.
What's that supposed to mean? You don't know what a burka is? - You can't see their face.
- Yeah.
- Just their eyes.
- Yeah.
They're like women ninjas.
I know what a burka is! Do you know what a ninja is? Okay, so, what if I'm overcome by smoke and I have to be carried down three flights of stairs? I'm 210 pounds of pure muscle, Chief.
You do the math.
Do you know 210 pounds of muscle weighs the same as 210 pounds of fat, right? Yeah, no, everybody knows that muscle is heavier.
- Ah.
- What about farting? There will be no more farting.
- Oh! - What? - That's all I do.
- Yeah, now, you're gonna ban farting? - Yeah, so what? - Here we go, guys, ready? Oh! [LAUGHTER] That's great! This is what I wanted! - Whoo! - Oh, yeah, you love farts! [FARTS] [LAUGHTER] You fart all the time, Chief.
We call your office the Fart Hut.
- No farting.
- Whoa, Chief, I can't stop farting.
Do you have any idea how gassy creatine makes me? Then stop using creatine.
Fuck no, brother! No way! Yeah! [ALL WHOOPING] And there will be no more swearing.
- Oh! - [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] - [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] - [BLEEP] [BLEEP] - [BLEEP] [BLEEP] - [BLEEP] [BLEEP] That's what we love about this pla Hey! Lucy, welcome to the station.
Ugh! Are you just telling them now? No.
No, no, no, no.
I knew this was gonna happen.
Look, I get it.
You guys are worried that I'm gonna bust up the sausage party.
What? Stop.
This is a fire station.
You talk about sports, you play pranks, you make fun of the bald guy.
And Uncle Eddie talks about how much he likes a finger up his ass during sex and calls it his tingle button.
- Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! - I've never heard that.
T.
M.
I.
Who told you about the tingle button? It doesn't matter.
Everybody knows.
Whoa, whoa.
I also know you guys don't think I'm strong enough.
- What? - No, no.
I guarantee at least one of you pulled the old "what if she has to carry me down a flight of stairs?" [LAUGHS] No one said that.
Regardless, I'm a part of the team now, and I just want you to think of me as one of the guys.
Then, uh, see you in the showers.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] Not if I see you first.
What? All right, everybody get to work.
Hit the road.
Enough sitting around.
We got things to do.
Hurry up.
- Grats.
- Thank you.
What the hell, Dad? Why didn't you tell them? Yeah.
Why didn't you tell us? Why are you here? She's my daughter.
Yeah, and I'm her uncle and the captain, and now she's on my crew.
I got it, Uncle Eddie.
Dad, I know you're embarrassed that I'm joining your pranky little fart club over here, but you have to accept it.
All right.
First, if you're gonna be a firefighter, you lose the attitude.
And you call me Chief.
Perfect.
That's the way it should be.
All right, now, I'm gonna go grab my bunk, Chief.
Mm.
- What are you doing? - What? If you don't treat her like a firefighter, no one else will.
Yeah, thanks.
Why don't you just worry about the new rules, Captain? Which rules? The no-farting, no-swearing rules? - Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah? Then go fuck yourself, fatso.
[FARTS] That includes fight farts! She's a firefighter.
You better figure out how to get on board with that.
[FARTS] - It stinks in here.
- Good.
[THUNDER RUMBLING] Son of a prick! Every time! Mm! Who makes a cat-shaped doughnut anyway? Mm, mm.
Hmm.
[SIGHS] [GRUNTS] [SIGHS] Oh, wow.
Ooh, ooh.
Hey, look at this girl.
- What? - Yeah, buddy.
What site is this? I'm signing up.
Oh, no, it's for guys with thinning hair.
- It's called Thinder.
- GRANNY: Thinder? I thought that was the one with the really thin girls.
No, that's Wafer.
Thinder's the one that has Jude Law as the spokesperson.
- Ooh, Jude Law? - Yeah.
I liked him in "Young Pope.
" Yeah.
I wish he was older.
What if I just, like, thinned my hair out and take a profile pic like this? - It looks like I'm balding, like - Uh, no, no, no.
They keep watch for impost-hairs.
- Imposters? - Impost-hairs.
- Who keeps watch? - The fuzz, man.
You messing with me? - I am.
- Yeah.
EDDIE: Hey.
You guys come up with any good hazing ideas? Cap, it's the Chief's daughter.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
She's a legacy.
I'm a legacy, and I got hazed relentlessly.
Yeah, but, Cap, she's a girl.
That girl was an All-American judo champ in college and could kick all of our asses.
I'd like to see her try.
Now, let's welcome her to the station with a friendly prank, and let's be creative about it.
Ike, what did we do to you? Covered my dick in birdseed and hung a bird feeder off it.
[LAUGHTER] All right, we can't do that.
Andy, what did we do to you? Shaved my nuts and then put peppermint patties - in my underwear.
- Oh, yeah.
- That was good.
- That was good.
Yeah, we can't do that one either.
All right, Granny, how about you? What did we do? Oh, you don't remember? You buttered the shower floor, videotaped me flopping around all greasy and naked, and then you sent the tape to my brother at Camp Pendleton.
You know how awkward it was at Christmas? - Seemed funny at the time.
- It's still funny now.
Do we just do dick stuff? Yeah.
I think we need to come up with some equal-opportunity hazing.
Wait, we can do the peppermint patty thing.
In the meantime, though, let's do the ram-a-doodle.
- Oh, Cap! - Yes! - Come on! - Are you kidding me? - Come on.
- Ram-a-doodle's great.
What's wrong with the ram-a-doodle? - It's awesome.
- The ram-a-doodle's busted.
GRANNY: Lucy! Lucy! Uh, coming! Hey, Luce! Lucy! Lucy! [DOOR OPENS] Lucy! Hey.
Um, could you go out there and get the ram-a-doodle? The ram-a-doodle? Yeah, yeah, it's, uh, right out the garage and to the right.
- You'll see it.
- Okay.
It's lying right there around the corner.
- You can't miss it.
- Great.
- Today, please.
- Come on, probie.
Oh, hey, Chief, do you mind showing me where the outside water hookup is? Uh, yeah, it's out here.
- No, no, no, no! - Chief! Chief! Oh, shit! Myawani, you're scraping toilets! Chief, th w d Ugh! I'm sorry.
What the hell is this? - The ram-a-doodle.
- I know it's the ram-a-doodle.
I've been ram-a-doodled a thousand times.
A thousand one.
I said she was off-limits! Why am I off-limits? - 'Cause you are.
You're off-limits.
- Chief, she's a rookie.
She gets pranked, she does grunt work, she gets a dumb rookie nickname just like the rest of us.
- Thank you.
- Off.
Limits.
[CHUCKLES] All right, shitface.
Good job.
- You're gonna fit right in here.
- I grew up here.
You think I don't know what the ram-a-doodle is? If you're gonna come at me, you better come correct.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
It's on.
Yes.
Awesome.
What's my dumb rookie nickname? That'll come in time.
All right, well, what was yours? Come on, Tingle Button.
Of course.
What was my dad's? No, can't.
- That I'm not saying.
- Tuna Can.
- Oh, Granny.
- Come on, Granny.
Why? 'Cause he likes tuna? Uh, sure.
- Yeah, that's it.
- He loves it.
It's because his junk is wider than it is long.
Oh, God damn it! - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- That [GAGS] - It's gross.
- Stop picturing it.
- Ugh.
Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay? Go outside if you're gonna throw up, okay? - TERRY: Lucy! - Yeah, coming.
- GRANNY: Don't look him in the eyes.
- Lucy! Oh.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I'm just trying to get something gross out of my head.
All right, well, I made a decision.
I'm transferring you to another station.
What? It's better for both of us.
I'll get the process started.
[ALARM BLARES] MAN: Station 24, all units respond.
- Load it up! - Possible fire in assisted-living center.
All units respond.
EDDIE: Here you go, Chief.
It's all set up.
[SIGHS] [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Thank you, Captain Penisi.
You are a real hero.
Aww.
Hey, let's take another one.
Just in case.
Come on, go.
Come on, Chief.
He doesn't mind.
He's a monkey wrench, this guy.
Cheese.
- Chief, it's all good.
- Oh, that's great.
Someone just left their hot plate on.
- False alarm.
- Excuse me, Chief.
We're having another issue, which requires emergency medical assistance.
[MAN GROANING] Geez.
Where did he get the Viagra? I can't see out my right eye.
We're not exactly sure where he got it.
We assume it was bought from another resident.
Does he have any Propecia? - Andy! - I'm kidding, Chief.
I don't really need it.
I mean, that stuff is expensive, but it's more of, like, preventative for me.
You know what I mean? Obvious Obviously.
- Yeah.
- My arm is numb.
What you're experiencing is a priapism.
The blood flow to your phallic region is impairing your circulation.
How many pills you take? Eight.
Eight? Most I can handle is four.
I was supposed to have a big night, a three-way with Ruthie and Louise.
Oh, Randall.
You know Louise passed away last week.
That's what you think.
Sir, we're gonna have to take care of that before it causes permanent damage.
What's that? Oh, we have to aspirate the erection.
We draw the blood and then we inject the member with epinephrine.
What? Tradition is low man on the totem pole does the job, Chief.
I'll do it.
Terry, chiefs don't aspirate dicks.
- This one does.
- If it's my job, I'll do it.
- No, you won't.
- It's rookie tradition.
If she wasn't a woman, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
She's not a woman.
She's my daughter.
I've seen a penis before, Chief.
- No, you haven't! - And I've touched a penis before.
- No, you haven't! - I vote for her.
Don't touch that dick.
Don't you touch that penis! - Now we're talking.
- Don't you touch that dick! Let go of the dick! - You let go of the dick! - Ooh! - Get off the dick! - Chief, come on.
- Let go! - Let go of the dick! Don't talk to me like that! It's not your daughter! Aaah! Anything else, Chief? Mm.
Um, don't.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm going to, uh, I'm gonna grab a bite to eat and then head home.
Cool.
[GRUNTS] [LAUGHS] You did a good job today.
You handled it like a professional.
Pun intended.
What pun? Never mind.
[GRUNTING] Come on.
Hey, um, I was thinking about what you said earlier today, and I think you're right.
I can go anywhere, and I'm just an added stress for you.
Uh, I was thinking about that too.
And, um, I don't think that I could trust anyone else to teach you properly, so you're staying.
Really? You mean it? Yeah.
I want you here.
Ah, come on.
Ah! Hey, uh, you want half of my sandwich? Yeah, you sure you got enough here? Oh, I think so.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] Awesome.
Thank you.
Cheers.
[LAUGHS] BOTH: Oh, son of a prick! Every time! EDDIE: Oh, come on, you people are savages.
Of all the traits you inherited from your dad, that one is the worst.
Dab it, for Christ's sake.
What is wrong with you people? Go to bed! - I'm going.
- We're having a moment.
Gonna hose you slobs down.
Get it? It's a firefighter joke.
- Pretty good, though, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Free Willy.
More like let's cover these feet up.
[LAUGHS] You know, it's actually pronounced whh-ale.
- Did you know that? - [DOOR OPENS] Oh, yeah! - Yeah! - Oh, God.
- So good.
- You like that, huh? Yes! I love it! What happened, guys? Did you lose a bet? Yeah.
Yeah, got to wear these for a month.
I don't get it.
What's the punishment? We have to wear girls' clothes.
And aren't they comfortable? Actually, it's unbelievable.
- Yeah.
- Soft.
It's so soft.
- Yeah, it's really soft.
- See? Girls' clothes aren't that bad.
Not at all.
[LAUGHS] Asshole! Hey, man! I hate feet.
Hey, hey, anyway.
Lucy, you had a great first day today, and we wanted to commemorate that by giving you your official rookie nickname.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Lucy McConky, you're officially known as - Chunk Light.
- There it is.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why Chunk Light? Don't get it? Because you come from the Tuna Can.
You remember, right? Your dad's dick? Oh, come on.
I just got over this.
But, uh, we also want to say truce.
You know, no more pranks, no more hazing.
We'll just end it now, cool? I think that's a great idea.
- Cool.
Truce.
- Oh, man.
Thank you.
- Awesome.
- Awesome.
- Truce.
- Glad we're past that.
That was good, though.
That was good.
Hey, thank you, guys, so much for making my first day so special.
- You kidding me? - It was a pleasure.
Y'all are the best.
Night, guys.
Good night.
- [MEN SCREAMING] - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] - Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! Whoa! - [LAUGHS] Cat mat, bitches! Whoop-whoop! [LAUGHS] Chief! Good night.