TallBoyz (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Wow, Are These Insoles
1 BRUCE: Hello, everyone.
I'm Bruce McCulloch, executive producer of the Tall Boyz show.
I'm here to announce that the Tall Boyz have made a three-way trade.
We are sending Vance Banzo to Baroness von Sketch show for a performer to be named later.
VANCE: This was a difficult decision.
TIM: But a very easy one to make.
REPORTER: Vance, where were you when you heard the news? VANCE: Uh, right here uh, right now.
- REPORTER: How do you feel? - VANCE: I, uh BRUCE: I think I should answer that.
Um, he feels great.
He knows this is the kind of thing that happens all the time near trade deadline.
REPORTER: Vance, what can Baroness expect for you to bring to the table? VANCE: Laughter Uh, joy First one to the office after everyone's already gotten there.
Last one to leave my house to get to the office.
REPORTER: Is there anything you want to say to your former castmates? VANCE: From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know you can go [BEEP.]
yourselves! Especially Guled! You will never replace me.
BRUCE: Well, we already have.
- FRANCO: I'm Franco.
- GULED: I'm Guled.
TIM: I'm Tim.
PETER: And I'm Peter Mansbridge.
Time for tonight's top sketches.
TallBoyz - S01E05 Wow, Are These Insoles MAN: [GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Yeah.
MASSEUSE: There you go.
And turn over.
Anything else I can do for you? MAN: How about a happy ending? MASSEUSE: All right.
One happy ending coming up.
- [FROG CROAKS.]
- MASSEUSE: Give him a kiss.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
PRINCE: You You are my soulmate.
Will you make me the happiest man alive? MAN: Yes.
[APPLAUSE.]
PRINCE: Dad, sis [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
MAN: Um I was hoping for the other kind of happy ending.
MASSEUSE: Oh, you mean a real happy ending with racial equality, gender parity, a living wage, a strong social safety net, like that? MAN: Um Yeah.
MASSEUSE: Great.
I'll get the other frog.
TIM: Hey, it's me, Tim, coming at you live from the streets of Toronto to play your new favourite game show, "Is This a Dispensary?" Here comes someone now.
Would you like to Oh.
Okay.
Uh, hey, hey! Would you like to answer a few questions? You might win some money! WOMAN: Um Sure, yeah.
TIM: Aw, that's what I like to hear! What's your name, and where are you from? NINA: Uh, I'm Nina.
I live in Fergus.
TIM: Great.
Now, Nina, time for round one.
For $4.
20, do you smoke weed? NINA: Uh, yes, I do, from time to time.
TIM: Hell, yeah! That is the correct answer! Here you go.
All right, time for round two.
Nina, for $20.
00, do you have any weed on you right now? NINA: What? - TIM: 30 seconds on the clock.
- NINA: Oh, uh, no, I don't.
- TIM: Is that your final answer? - NINA: Yes.
TIM: Yes, you do have some weed? - NINA: No, I don't have any weed.
- TIM: Okay.
Oh, unfortunately, that is incorrect.
The answer I was looking for was, "Yes, I do, Tim.
Please have some!" I also would have accepted any hallucinogen you handed me.
NINA: What channel is this? TIM: All right, time for round three! For $80.
00 That's four 20s All this money can be yours if you can answer this next question correctly.
- You ready? - NINA: Yeah.
TIM: Here we go! Is this a dispensary? NINA: Sure, why not? TIM: Well, it could be a café.
I mean, I've been to four cafes today, thinking they were dispensaries.
I've had three Americanos and a flat white, you know? I want the dankest herb, not the darkest roast.
NINA: I don't know.
It's got a leaf on the front.
TIM: Yeah, but I mean, nowadays your trendy dispensary's virtually indiscernible from your run-of-the-mill hipster chic boutique.
NINA: I guess that's true, but TIM: Yeah, they all got weird knick-knacks and crystals, and for some reason just a single rack of clothes? That's why I'm trying to figure out, is this a dispensary? Nina? Nina! Ah, fa! You want something done right, you got to do it yourself.
- [OPEN DOOR BELL RINGS.]
- TIM: Hey, is this a dispensary? MAN: Yeah, man.
What do you need? TIM: Shit.
I gave Nina all of my money.
Hey-hey! It's time for everyone's new favourite game show: "How Much Money Will You Give Me For This Microphone?" ALL: To making it happen! FRANCO: Another Saturday morning with my best friends.
GUS: Ah, to be young and carefree.
FRANCO: Actually I got some big news for y'all.
Sandra and I are having a baby! - JEREMY: What? - ANRE: Oh my God, that's amazing! GUS: Congrats.
FRANCO: At first I was freaking out, but then we drew up a five-year plan, and [COUGHING.]
[EERIE MUSIC.]
- What's happening to me? - JEREMY: Don't fight it, man.
You're going to the other side.
Let go.
- ANRE: Is he dying? - GUS: Worse.
- He's crossing over.
- JEREMY: He's becoming an adult.
FRANCO: But I still have so many YouTube videos to watch of guys getting hit in the nu-u-u ANRE: My God, I thought the other side was just a myth! JEREMY: It's a real place, Anre! It's a place where you're in bed by 10 pm, you compare insurance plans, and you use words like "fiduciary.
" ANRE: I heard once you go to the other side - there's no coming back.
- GUS: Well, I'm never going.
I just got these brand-new kicks after I received a big tax refund.
- JEREMY: Woo-hoo-hoo! - GUS: Check 'em out.
ANRE: Nice.
GUS: If you're looking for an account, I know a guy who has a really great rating.
He can do No, no! I'm not ready! I'm not ready! ANRE: Oh my God! They got Gus! JEREMY: Good credit and fiscal responsibility will get you to the other side pretty quickly! ANRE: God, I hope I never have good credit.
JEREMY: Shh! You shouldn't even say those words.
ANRE: [GASPS.]
CHILD: I just realized, my parents sacrificed so much for me! They were just children, raising children! Aah! ANRE: What the hell? That kind was like six! JEREMY: Yeah, but he was wise beyond his years! ANRE: Oh, God! I don't want to go to the other side! JEREMY: Here.
Take these devil sticks.
No one will ever think you're an adult so long as you have 'em.
I got to go.
I'm getting a face tattoo.
- ANRE: Good call.
- JEREMY: Yeah.
I made an appointment.
I found this coupon.
It was like 50% off.
It was like, I have to spend a limit amount - [EERIE MUSIC.]
- Oh, no! No! No JEREMY: [GASPS.]
Where am I? - Where am I? - FRANCO: Hello, Jeremy.
CHILD: You're one of us now.
[BABY CRYING.]
JEREMY: I want to go back.
I want to go back! I want to Oh! Wow, are these insoles? Wow, that's so comfy.
OTHERS: So comfy.
Welcome to the Other Side.
[BABY CRYING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- TIM: No, stop it! - GIRL: No, you stop it! - TIM: [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, again? - GIRL: One more time.
- TIM: Watch closely.
- GIRL: Okay.
- TIM: Okay? GIRL: Oh, that's easy.
I can do it.
- TIM: Uh-huh.
- GIRL: Okay.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- TIM: That's not it at all! GIRL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, okay, show me again.
[LOUD SLAPPING NOISE.]
[SLAPPING CONTINUES.]
GIRL: [GASPS.]
What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? TIM: I don't know, I don't know.
- [SUBWAY DOORS CHIME.]
- GIRL: No, no, okay [SLAPPING CONTINUES.]
TIM: Oh my God! There's four of them! GIRL: Aah! TIM: Let's go, let's go, let's go.
[RHYTHMIC SLAPPING.]
- TIM: Huh - GIRL: Hm VANCE: This is something I actually saw happen.
The ending is the truth.
GIRL: Somehow I thought this would have a happier ending.
Right? All the props and respect Hey yo, we came to collect NARRATION: Do you have what it takes? If you want to stand out Be the last one standing.
[SOUND OF PUNCH.]
NARRATION: Don't be the best on the field.
Be the best on a better field.
FOOTBALL PLAYER: Oh, okay.
NARRATION: Don't be the middle of the pack.
- Pack the middle.
- MAN: Huh? NARRATION: Are you the player, or the music? The answer is you're the tuba.
TUBA PLAYER: Excuse me? NARRATION: Because your game is bigger than basketball.
It's more like Pumpkinball.
So don't ask for permission to be yourself.
Ask for permission to be someone else.
Like Lupita Nyongo.
MAN: I don't know how I could do that.
NARRATION: You can do it.
Just believe.
TIM: So, when people doubt you, make doubt your people? NARRATION: Yes, good one.
Now you're getting it.
TIM: What is this commercial for? NARRATION: Some commercials can be for practically anything.
VANCE: It's a pizza and a hoop.
FRANCO: And you can throw a basketball through it? TIM: Guys! Oh, knocked the wind out of me! [INHALES PUFFER.]
When I went to go get food, I got the oxtail for free.
I'm pretty sure the guy thought I was Jamaican.
- [LAUGHS.]
- FRANCO: Well, you are.
TIM: Whoa, just 'cause I'm black doesn't mean I'm Jamaican.
- FRANCO: What? - You are Jamaican! GULED: Tim, we've met your parents.
Where do you think they're from? TIM: I dunno.
I mean, where are you guys from? - GULED: Somalia.
- FRANCO: Vietnam.
- VANCE: Here.
- TIM: Doesn't sound right.
VANCE: Tim, you go to Jamaica every year.
TIM: Yeah, but that's just to visit my grandparents.
- VANCE: 'Cause they're Jamaican? - TIM: This doesn't add up.
We're like every other family, all right? We put on the cricket game.
We eat jerk chicken.
And deep down inside, we hold onto the hope that someday Vybz Kartel will be released from prison.
GULED: Okay, I'm gonna say a word, and you respond with the first thing that comes to your head.
- Jump.
- TIM: Jump and wave, jump and wave! - VANCE: Rice.
- TIM: Rice and peas, - rice and peas! - FRANCO: Sandals.
TIM: Resort and spa, resort and spa! - VANCE: See? - You're Jamaican! TIM: Okay, I'm gonna clear this up, all right? [PHONE RINGING.]
Hello, Dad? DAD: What 'gwan, son? TIM: Oh my God I am Jamaican.
[JAMAICAN MUSIC.]
TIM: Run fast.
VANCE: Tim, you do realize that Jamaican sprinters actually train, right? TIM: Yeah, but they also have natural talent, a talent that's in my blood now that I'm Jamaican.
GULED: Hey, you've always been Jamaican.
TIM: My spring speeds will be record-breaking.
Maybe I'm related to Usain Bolt.
FRANCO: You're not related to Usain Bolt.
TIM: It's in my DNA.
- FRANCO: So is your asthma.
- TIM: Enough negativity.
Guled Vance, will you do the honours? - [STARTING PISTOL FIRES.]
- VANCE: Yeah! [COLLAPSING SOUND.]
GULED: Whoa, that might be a new record.
World's shortest 100-metre dash.
[VOICES ECHOING.]
Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim WOMAN: [JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
Welcome to the ancestral plane! - TIM: Usain Bolt? - WOMAN: No.
That's not who I am.
And you are not related to Usain Bolt.
TIM: So I'm not Jamaican? WOMAN: No, you are Jamaican! TIM: Oh, so I'm Jamaican, but Usain Bolt isn't, or? WOMAN: Listen! Jamaicans come in all shapes and sizes, creeds, and shades, with different beliefs and abilities! And not all of them can dutty wine.
TIM: Oh, so you're saying being Jamaican's not about what's in here, but what I feel here.
- WOMAN: Mm.
- TIM: Wow, thanks, Usain Bolt.
WOMAN: No, I'm not TIM: [GASPS.]
Guys I had an epiphany.
I've been so caught up in what I thought it meant to be Jamaican, I didn't realize I've been Jamaican this whole time.
VANCE: Geez.
FRANCO: We've been trying to tell you that.
TIM: Thanks, guys, and hey! At the end of the day, aren't we all a little bit Jamaican? - FRANCO: 100% no.
- GULED: No! - VANCE: Absolutely not.
- GULED: What? TIM: Usain Bolt's a lady! GULED: Okay, let's get you to the hospital, buddy.
- VANCE: Yeah, up you go.
- GULED: You really bumped your head.
- TIM: Was I fast? - VANCE: Oh, you were really fast.
Jamaica's the place to be WRESTLER: [HOWLING LIKE A DOG.]
I feel a storm a-brewing! A storm unleashed by the devil himself! [BARKING.]
Listen up, Manly Man! Every dog has its day, and my day is this Sunday, when I whup your butt, live on Pay Per View! [HOWLING.]
Looks like someone didn't show up to Wrestle Frenzy.
Did you get my message? I'm not saying you stood me up.
Maybe you went to a different Wrestle Frenzy.
Or maybe you were scared! [BARKING.]
Be there at Undone this Monday! [HOWLING.]
Wow.
Still a no-show, huh? Okay, cool.
It's just that in your promo, you were all like, "Hey! Let's wrestle!" And I thought, "Wow.
"Manly Man wants to wrestle me.
" But whatever.
If you want to make things right, I'll be at Smack-a-Palooza this Thursday! [HOWLING.]
Just tell me what I did wrong.
Whatever it was, I'm sorry, okay? Don't be like this! Let's just put it behind us and wrestle, okay? Or be there at Burgess Meredith Arena, this Friday! Just call me.
Looks like you missed out, Manly Man.
I moved on! This is KittyCat Joe.
KITTYCAT JOE: Yo! WRESTLER: I'll be wrestling him this Monday night.
KITTYCAT JOE: Yo! Get ready for a catfight! WRESTLER: You got that right! And we're gonna have a super-fun night.
So have a nice life, because I'm fine! Totally fine! [SOUND OF MAN CLEARING HIS THROAT.]
WRESTLER: Manly Man.
Oh So random bumping into you.
MANLY MAN: Yeah, I was here to shoot a wrestling promo.
What are you doing here? WRESTLER: I'm recording a promo too.
MANLY MAN: Wow, you're still wrestling? Cool.
WRESTLER: Yeah, KittyCat Joe and I were just talking about how much we love wrestling each other.
KITTYCAT JOE: [PURRING.]
MANLY MAN: Nice to meet you too.
Well, I'm happy for you.
WRESTLER: I'm so busy these days.
MANLY MAN: Well, if you ever have some free time and you want to wrestle, hit me up.
KITTYCAT JOE: Mee-ow! He looks real good.
WRESTLER: Shut up.
KITTYCAT JOE: Mee-ow! GULED: You may have noticed I ask my grandmother a lot about her knee.
Here's why.
My Somali's pretty terrible.
In fact, talking about my grandmother's knee is pretty much the only Somali I know.
I've thought about learning more so we can have meaningful conversations, or at least ones that aren't so knee-focused.
But then I think, "What's the point?" By the time I learn enough Somali to have a decent conversation, the only person I'd use it on might be dead.
I know that sounds cruel, but what do we really have to talk about? The weather? Cliché.
Somali politics? No thanks.
My love life? I'd rather talk about Somali politics.
Look.
Part of it is not wanting her to find out how terrible my Somali truly is, but the other part is that, in her mind, I'm probably a sweet, quiet boy who's very concerned about her osteoarthritis.
Why burst that bubble? The fact is, our relationship is simple but beautiful.
I visit her twice a year, she tells me I've lost a lot of weight, and I ask her about her knee.
So what if the woman who loves me the most in the world knows virtually nothing about me? All she needs to know is that I care.
STUART: Tonight's the night, Stuart.
Tonight's the night you show everyone how cool you really are.
Stuart's here! How's everyone doing tonight? Who's ready to party? Stuart, Stuart, Stu! Everyone loves some Stu! Did anyone order a cup of Stu? Everyone loves Stu! Did anyone order a cup of Stu? That's good.
Hot Stu, hot Stu, hot Stu.
Did anyone order a cup of hot beef Stu? Chicken noodle! STUART: Did anyone order a can of chicken noodle Stu? STUART: Going to a party.
WOMAN: Would you like bag? STUART: No.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
STUART: Chicken noodle soup? Oh, no! Can I return this? WOMAN: Okay.
Want bag? STUART: No.
STUART: Did anyone order a can of hot beef Stu? Because I'm Stu! [ISOLATED CHUCKLES.]
[SLOW SLAPPING NOISE.]
STUART: Uh [GAGS.]
[DOG GROWLS.]
WOMAN: Hey.
STUART: Hey Hey.
I'm Stu.
WOMAN: Joanne.
Care for a cuppa Jo? [CHURCH BELLS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
- WOMAN: Way to go, Jo! All right, Stu! GULED: I can't believe Stu got married.
VANCE: There's a lid for every pot.
TIM: Hm? PRINCE: When will I find love? I guess it's just you and me, buddy.
[FROG CROAKS.]
TIM: Do we know that guy? WOMAN: Bye! See you later? Happy honeymoon!
I'm Bruce McCulloch, executive producer of the Tall Boyz show.
I'm here to announce that the Tall Boyz have made a three-way trade.
We are sending Vance Banzo to Baroness von Sketch show for a performer to be named later.
VANCE: This was a difficult decision.
TIM: But a very easy one to make.
REPORTER: Vance, where were you when you heard the news? VANCE: Uh, right here uh, right now.
- REPORTER: How do you feel? - VANCE: I, uh BRUCE: I think I should answer that.
Um, he feels great.
He knows this is the kind of thing that happens all the time near trade deadline.
REPORTER: Vance, what can Baroness expect for you to bring to the table? VANCE: Laughter Uh, joy First one to the office after everyone's already gotten there.
Last one to leave my house to get to the office.
REPORTER: Is there anything you want to say to your former castmates? VANCE: From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know you can go [BEEP.]
yourselves! Especially Guled! You will never replace me.
BRUCE: Well, we already have.
- FRANCO: I'm Franco.
- GULED: I'm Guled.
TIM: I'm Tim.
PETER: And I'm Peter Mansbridge.
Time for tonight's top sketches.
TallBoyz - S01E05 Wow, Are These Insoles MAN: [GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Yeah.
MASSEUSE: There you go.
And turn over.
Anything else I can do for you? MAN: How about a happy ending? MASSEUSE: All right.
One happy ending coming up.
- [FROG CROAKS.]
- MASSEUSE: Give him a kiss.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
PRINCE: You You are my soulmate.
Will you make me the happiest man alive? MAN: Yes.
[APPLAUSE.]
PRINCE: Dad, sis [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
MAN: Um I was hoping for the other kind of happy ending.
MASSEUSE: Oh, you mean a real happy ending with racial equality, gender parity, a living wage, a strong social safety net, like that? MAN: Um Yeah.
MASSEUSE: Great.
I'll get the other frog.
TIM: Hey, it's me, Tim, coming at you live from the streets of Toronto to play your new favourite game show, "Is This a Dispensary?" Here comes someone now.
Would you like to Oh.
Okay.
Uh, hey, hey! Would you like to answer a few questions? You might win some money! WOMAN: Um Sure, yeah.
TIM: Aw, that's what I like to hear! What's your name, and where are you from? NINA: Uh, I'm Nina.
I live in Fergus.
TIM: Great.
Now, Nina, time for round one.
For $4.
20, do you smoke weed? NINA: Uh, yes, I do, from time to time.
TIM: Hell, yeah! That is the correct answer! Here you go.
All right, time for round two.
Nina, for $20.
00, do you have any weed on you right now? NINA: What? - TIM: 30 seconds on the clock.
- NINA: Oh, uh, no, I don't.
- TIM: Is that your final answer? - NINA: Yes.
TIM: Yes, you do have some weed? - NINA: No, I don't have any weed.
- TIM: Okay.
Oh, unfortunately, that is incorrect.
The answer I was looking for was, "Yes, I do, Tim.
Please have some!" I also would have accepted any hallucinogen you handed me.
NINA: What channel is this? TIM: All right, time for round three! For $80.
00 That's four 20s All this money can be yours if you can answer this next question correctly.
- You ready? - NINA: Yeah.
TIM: Here we go! Is this a dispensary? NINA: Sure, why not? TIM: Well, it could be a café.
I mean, I've been to four cafes today, thinking they were dispensaries.
I've had three Americanos and a flat white, you know? I want the dankest herb, not the darkest roast.
NINA: I don't know.
It's got a leaf on the front.
TIM: Yeah, but I mean, nowadays your trendy dispensary's virtually indiscernible from your run-of-the-mill hipster chic boutique.
NINA: I guess that's true, but TIM: Yeah, they all got weird knick-knacks and crystals, and for some reason just a single rack of clothes? That's why I'm trying to figure out, is this a dispensary? Nina? Nina! Ah, fa! You want something done right, you got to do it yourself.
- [OPEN DOOR BELL RINGS.]
- TIM: Hey, is this a dispensary? MAN: Yeah, man.
What do you need? TIM: Shit.
I gave Nina all of my money.
Hey-hey! It's time for everyone's new favourite game show: "How Much Money Will You Give Me For This Microphone?" ALL: To making it happen! FRANCO: Another Saturday morning with my best friends.
GUS: Ah, to be young and carefree.
FRANCO: Actually I got some big news for y'all.
Sandra and I are having a baby! - JEREMY: What? - ANRE: Oh my God, that's amazing! GUS: Congrats.
FRANCO: At first I was freaking out, but then we drew up a five-year plan, and [COUGHING.]
[EERIE MUSIC.]
- What's happening to me? - JEREMY: Don't fight it, man.
You're going to the other side.
Let go.
- ANRE: Is he dying? - GUS: Worse.
- He's crossing over.
- JEREMY: He's becoming an adult.
FRANCO: But I still have so many YouTube videos to watch of guys getting hit in the nu-u-u ANRE: My God, I thought the other side was just a myth! JEREMY: It's a real place, Anre! It's a place where you're in bed by 10 pm, you compare insurance plans, and you use words like "fiduciary.
" ANRE: I heard once you go to the other side - there's no coming back.
- GUS: Well, I'm never going.
I just got these brand-new kicks after I received a big tax refund.
- JEREMY: Woo-hoo-hoo! - GUS: Check 'em out.
ANRE: Nice.
GUS: If you're looking for an account, I know a guy who has a really great rating.
He can do No, no! I'm not ready! I'm not ready! ANRE: Oh my God! They got Gus! JEREMY: Good credit and fiscal responsibility will get you to the other side pretty quickly! ANRE: God, I hope I never have good credit.
JEREMY: Shh! You shouldn't even say those words.
ANRE: [GASPS.]
CHILD: I just realized, my parents sacrificed so much for me! They were just children, raising children! Aah! ANRE: What the hell? That kind was like six! JEREMY: Yeah, but he was wise beyond his years! ANRE: Oh, God! I don't want to go to the other side! JEREMY: Here.
Take these devil sticks.
No one will ever think you're an adult so long as you have 'em.
I got to go.
I'm getting a face tattoo.
- ANRE: Good call.
- JEREMY: Yeah.
I made an appointment.
I found this coupon.
It was like 50% off.
It was like, I have to spend a limit amount - [EERIE MUSIC.]
- Oh, no! No! No JEREMY: [GASPS.]
Where am I? - Where am I? - FRANCO: Hello, Jeremy.
CHILD: You're one of us now.
[BABY CRYING.]
JEREMY: I want to go back.
I want to go back! I want to Oh! Wow, are these insoles? Wow, that's so comfy.
OTHERS: So comfy.
Welcome to the Other Side.
[BABY CRYING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- TIM: No, stop it! - GIRL: No, you stop it! - TIM: [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, again? - GIRL: One more time.
- TIM: Watch closely.
- GIRL: Okay.
- TIM: Okay? GIRL: Oh, that's easy.
I can do it.
- TIM: Uh-huh.
- GIRL: Okay.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- TIM: That's not it at all! GIRL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, okay, show me again.
[LOUD SLAPPING NOISE.]
[SLAPPING CONTINUES.]
GIRL: [GASPS.]
What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? TIM: I don't know, I don't know.
- [SUBWAY DOORS CHIME.]
- GIRL: No, no, okay [SLAPPING CONTINUES.]
TIM: Oh my God! There's four of them! GIRL: Aah! TIM: Let's go, let's go, let's go.
[RHYTHMIC SLAPPING.]
- TIM: Huh - GIRL: Hm VANCE: This is something I actually saw happen.
The ending is the truth.
GIRL: Somehow I thought this would have a happier ending.
Right? All the props and respect Hey yo, we came to collect NARRATION: Do you have what it takes? If you want to stand out Be the last one standing.
[SOUND OF PUNCH.]
NARRATION: Don't be the best on the field.
Be the best on a better field.
FOOTBALL PLAYER: Oh, okay.
NARRATION: Don't be the middle of the pack.
- Pack the middle.
- MAN: Huh? NARRATION: Are you the player, or the music? The answer is you're the tuba.
TUBA PLAYER: Excuse me? NARRATION: Because your game is bigger than basketball.
It's more like Pumpkinball.
So don't ask for permission to be yourself.
Ask for permission to be someone else.
Like Lupita Nyongo.
MAN: I don't know how I could do that.
NARRATION: You can do it.
Just believe.
TIM: So, when people doubt you, make doubt your people? NARRATION: Yes, good one.
Now you're getting it.
TIM: What is this commercial for? NARRATION: Some commercials can be for practically anything.
VANCE: It's a pizza and a hoop.
FRANCO: And you can throw a basketball through it? TIM: Guys! Oh, knocked the wind out of me! [INHALES PUFFER.]
When I went to go get food, I got the oxtail for free.
I'm pretty sure the guy thought I was Jamaican.
- [LAUGHS.]
- FRANCO: Well, you are.
TIM: Whoa, just 'cause I'm black doesn't mean I'm Jamaican.
- FRANCO: What? - You are Jamaican! GULED: Tim, we've met your parents.
Where do you think they're from? TIM: I dunno.
I mean, where are you guys from? - GULED: Somalia.
- FRANCO: Vietnam.
- VANCE: Here.
- TIM: Doesn't sound right.
VANCE: Tim, you go to Jamaica every year.
TIM: Yeah, but that's just to visit my grandparents.
- VANCE: 'Cause they're Jamaican? - TIM: This doesn't add up.
We're like every other family, all right? We put on the cricket game.
We eat jerk chicken.
And deep down inside, we hold onto the hope that someday Vybz Kartel will be released from prison.
GULED: Okay, I'm gonna say a word, and you respond with the first thing that comes to your head.
- Jump.
- TIM: Jump and wave, jump and wave! - VANCE: Rice.
- TIM: Rice and peas, - rice and peas! - FRANCO: Sandals.
TIM: Resort and spa, resort and spa! - VANCE: See? - You're Jamaican! TIM: Okay, I'm gonna clear this up, all right? [PHONE RINGING.]
Hello, Dad? DAD: What 'gwan, son? TIM: Oh my God I am Jamaican.
[JAMAICAN MUSIC.]
TIM: Run fast.
VANCE: Tim, you do realize that Jamaican sprinters actually train, right? TIM: Yeah, but they also have natural talent, a talent that's in my blood now that I'm Jamaican.
GULED: Hey, you've always been Jamaican.
TIM: My spring speeds will be record-breaking.
Maybe I'm related to Usain Bolt.
FRANCO: You're not related to Usain Bolt.
TIM: It's in my DNA.
- FRANCO: So is your asthma.
- TIM: Enough negativity.
Guled Vance, will you do the honours? - [STARTING PISTOL FIRES.]
- VANCE: Yeah! [COLLAPSING SOUND.]
GULED: Whoa, that might be a new record.
World's shortest 100-metre dash.
[VOICES ECHOING.]
Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim WOMAN: [JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
Welcome to the ancestral plane! - TIM: Usain Bolt? - WOMAN: No.
That's not who I am.
And you are not related to Usain Bolt.
TIM: So I'm not Jamaican? WOMAN: No, you are Jamaican! TIM: Oh, so I'm Jamaican, but Usain Bolt isn't, or? WOMAN: Listen! Jamaicans come in all shapes and sizes, creeds, and shades, with different beliefs and abilities! And not all of them can dutty wine.
TIM: Oh, so you're saying being Jamaican's not about what's in here, but what I feel here.
- WOMAN: Mm.
- TIM: Wow, thanks, Usain Bolt.
WOMAN: No, I'm not TIM: [GASPS.]
Guys I had an epiphany.
I've been so caught up in what I thought it meant to be Jamaican, I didn't realize I've been Jamaican this whole time.
VANCE: Geez.
FRANCO: We've been trying to tell you that.
TIM: Thanks, guys, and hey! At the end of the day, aren't we all a little bit Jamaican? - FRANCO: 100% no.
- GULED: No! - VANCE: Absolutely not.
- GULED: What? TIM: Usain Bolt's a lady! GULED: Okay, let's get you to the hospital, buddy.
- VANCE: Yeah, up you go.
- GULED: You really bumped your head.
- TIM: Was I fast? - VANCE: Oh, you were really fast.
Jamaica's the place to be WRESTLER: [HOWLING LIKE A DOG.]
I feel a storm a-brewing! A storm unleashed by the devil himself! [BARKING.]
Listen up, Manly Man! Every dog has its day, and my day is this Sunday, when I whup your butt, live on Pay Per View! [HOWLING.]
Looks like someone didn't show up to Wrestle Frenzy.
Did you get my message? I'm not saying you stood me up.
Maybe you went to a different Wrestle Frenzy.
Or maybe you were scared! [BARKING.]
Be there at Undone this Monday! [HOWLING.]
Wow.
Still a no-show, huh? Okay, cool.
It's just that in your promo, you were all like, "Hey! Let's wrestle!" And I thought, "Wow.
"Manly Man wants to wrestle me.
" But whatever.
If you want to make things right, I'll be at Smack-a-Palooza this Thursday! [HOWLING.]
Just tell me what I did wrong.
Whatever it was, I'm sorry, okay? Don't be like this! Let's just put it behind us and wrestle, okay? Or be there at Burgess Meredith Arena, this Friday! Just call me.
Looks like you missed out, Manly Man.
I moved on! This is KittyCat Joe.
KITTYCAT JOE: Yo! WRESTLER: I'll be wrestling him this Monday night.
KITTYCAT JOE: Yo! Get ready for a catfight! WRESTLER: You got that right! And we're gonna have a super-fun night.
So have a nice life, because I'm fine! Totally fine! [SOUND OF MAN CLEARING HIS THROAT.]
WRESTLER: Manly Man.
Oh So random bumping into you.
MANLY MAN: Yeah, I was here to shoot a wrestling promo.
What are you doing here? WRESTLER: I'm recording a promo too.
MANLY MAN: Wow, you're still wrestling? Cool.
WRESTLER: Yeah, KittyCat Joe and I were just talking about how much we love wrestling each other.
KITTYCAT JOE: [PURRING.]
MANLY MAN: Nice to meet you too.
Well, I'm happy for you.
WRESTLER: I'm so busy these days.
MANLY MAN: Well, if you ever have some free time and you want to wrestle, hit me up.
KITTYCAT JOE: Mee-ow! He looks real good.
WRESTLER: Shut up.
KITTYCAT JOE: Mee-ow! GULED: You may have noticed I ask my grandmother a lot about her knee.
Here's why.
My Somali's pretty terrible.
In fact, talking about my grandmother's knee is pretty much the only Somali I know.
I've thought about learning more so we can have meaningful conversations, or at least ones that aren't so knee-focused.
But then I think, "What's the point?" By the time I learn enough Somali to have a decent conversation, the only person I'd use it on might be dead.
I know that sounds cruel, but what do we really have to talk about? The weather? Cliché.
Somali politics? No thanks.
My love life? I'd rather talk about Somali politics.
Look.
Part of it is not wanting her to find out how terrible my Somali truly is, but the other part is that, in her mind, I'm probably a sweet, quiet boy who's very concerned about her osteoarthritis.
Why burst that bubble? The fact is, our relationship is simple but beautiful.
I visit her twice a year, she tells me I've lost a lot of weight, and I ask her about her knee.
So what if the woman who loves me the most in the world knows virtually nothing about me? All she needs to know is that I care.
STUART: Tonight's the night, Stuart.
Tonight's the night you show everyone how cool you really are.
Stuart's here! How's everyone doing tonight? Who's ready to party? Stuart, Stuart, Stu! Everyone loves some Stu! Did anyone order a cup of Stu? Everyone loves Stu! Did anyone order a cup of Stu? That's good.
Hot Stu, hot Stu, hot Stu.
Did anyone order a cup of hot beef Stu? Chicken noodle! STUART: Did anyone order a can of chicken noodle Stu? STUART: Going to a party.
WOMAN: Would you like bag? STUART: No.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
STUART: Chicken noodle soup? Oh, no! Can I return this? WOMAN: Okay.
Want bag? STUART: No.
STUART: Did anyone order a can of hot beef Stu? Because I'm Stu! [ISOLATED CHUCKLES.]
[SLOW SLAPPING NOISE.]
STUART: Uh [GAGS.]
[DOG GROWLS.]
WOMAN: Hey.
STUART: Hey Hey.
I'm Stu.
WOMAN: Joanne.
Care for a cuppa Jo? [CHURCH BELLS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
- WOMAN: Way to go, Jo! All right, Stu! GULED: I can't believe Stu got married.
VANCE: There's a lid for every pot.
TIM: Hm? PRINCE: When will I find love? I guess it's just you and me, buddy.
[FROG CROAKS.]
TIM: Do we know that guy? WOMAN: Bye! See you later? Happy honeymoon!