TallBoyz (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Under Caricature Clouds
1 NARRATION: You work hard.
You play hard.
And as a TPOC, "tired person of colour," sometimes you're required to tolerate hard.
JEAN: Let's talk diversity.
Who would like to start us off? Chris? CHRIS: Uh, I don't I'm just an intern, so [CHUCKLES.]
NARRATION: When you're tired of having another exhausting conversation, reach for All Day Tolerate.
CHRIS: Ah! Well, Jean, as the only black person here, I'd love to chat about diversity, or any other racial issues.
JEAN: When is it okay to touch a black person's hair? CHRIS: Ah, excellent question.
NARRATION: Here's how it works.
As ignorance enters your ears, your brain naturally produces anger, placing undue stress on your last nerve.
All Day Tolerate shuts down your production of woketeins and equizymes, which fortifies your ability to endure.
TOM: What do you people want? BUSINESSMAN: I don't know.
Good morning, Tom.
NARRATION: Whether you've been asked to speak for every person of your race BUSINESSMAN: We've been lied to a lot.
NARRATION: or having dinner with your girlfriend's conservative parents.
FATHER: If you ask me, Islam's a real threat to this country.
BOYFRIEND: You know I'm Muslim, right? FATHER: What's that have to do with Islamics? [CHUGGING SOUND.]
BOYFRIEND: Ah So, Islam is a religion so rich in history NARRATION: When you can't stand 'em ALL: All Day Tolerate 'em! [CANS CRACK OPEN.]
GIRLFRIEND: I'm gonna need a sip.
- BOYFRIEND: Not for you.
- GIRLFRIEND: Okay.
TallBoyz - S01E06 Under Caricature Clouds GULED: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Vroo, too-too-too! [MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND.]
Aah! FRANCO: Yeah, I like it better with the real sounds.
GULED: [CONTINUES MAKING NOISES.]
FRANCO: Tim, it's hard to play with you blocking the TV.
TIM: No video games, just news.
Guess who just won two tickets to the chocolate factory? - VANCE: [GASPS.]
- Whoa.
- GULED: Two tickets? - FRANCO: Chocolate factory? VANCE: That's the kind of excursion that you'd only take - your very best friend on.
- ALL: Which is me.
- Me! - TIM: Guys, please! This is very hard for me.
VANCE: Well, it shouldn't be, Tim.
Have you forgot about our time at community college? This is us, first day at college.
That's us graduating, despite all those stereotypes saying that we wouldn't.
FRANCO: What about our summer working together at Papa Sandwich? GULED: Tim, what about the civil rights movement? TIM: You guys have been framing a lot of pictures.
FRANCO: There was a sale at Papa Photo.
VANCE: So, what's it gonna be, Tim? - FRANCO: Yeah, Tim.
- GULED: Yeah, Tim othy.
TIM: Um - Well, the thing is, I - VANCE: So, who's it gonna be, Tim? TIM: Uh FRANCO: Yeah, Tim.
GULED: Yeah, Tim othy.
- TIM: Guys, I - VANCE: Who's it gonna be, Tim? - TIM: The thing is - FRANCO: Yeah, Tim.
- TIM: I - GULED: Come on, Tim.
- [VOICES ECHOING.]
- Yeah, Tim, come on FRANCO: He's dead.
- My best friend is dead.
- [ALL GASP.]
FRANCO: I think, I dunno.
I'm not a doctor.
FRANCO: Get outta here.
Heart's beating.
My BFF's alive.
GULED: You mean my BFF.
FRANCO: Actually, it's my BFF.
GULED: Let go of his neck! Do not touch his neck! - You're hurting him! - FRANCO: Enough! There must be some way to settle this.
SEARCH: "How do you wake a sleeping bestie?" PHONE: Did you mean Sleeping Beauty? [PEACEFUL MUSIC.]
VANCE: I shall now wake you with a true best friend's kiss.
[LOUD KISS.]
Oh, that felt wrong.
Like I should have asked before I did that.
GULED: Yeah, maybe we should have called - the ambulance instead.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
FRANCO: Let it go to voicemail.
VOICEMAIL: Hey, you've reached our old-timey answering machine.
- Leave a message after the - [BEEP.]
VOICE: Tim, it's your mom.
Just confirming that we're still on for the chocolate factory.
TIM: Yeah, Mom.
All good, buddy.
FRANCO: His mom's his best friend? VANCE: Yeah.
TIM: See ya soon.
Love you.
MOM: Bye, sweety! TIM: Guys, why am I holding a rose? - ALL: Oh! - GULED: Well - VANCE: Uh - FRANCO: Have you seen Cinderella? MARK: I'm kind of nervous to meet your parents! SHARON: Don't worry, hon.
They'll love you.
- MARK: [SIGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- SHARON: Dad? MOM: Oh, hi! Hi, Mark! Nice to finally meet you! MARK: Likewise! Oh, and this must be Tyler.
Hey, Tyler! High five.
[LAUGHTER.]
MARK: Ow, that really hurt! DAD: He's a strong little guy.
So, Mark, what do you do for a living? MARK: Sorry, just hold on for a sec.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh! That high five really hurt! [LAUGHS.]
Ooh! Frigging hand's red.
See? - SHARON: [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, Mark.
MOM: Yeah.
MARK: No, seriously.
I think it's broken.
I'm calling 911.
SHARON: Okay Ha-ha, Mark.
- MARK: Sorry.
- SHARON: We get the joke.
MARK: It's no joke, Sharon.
[PHONE RINGS ON OTHER END.]
MARK: Hey, I'm at Trinity Bellwoods.
I broke my hand.
It was a high five incident.
SHARON: Oh my God, Mark, stop! MARK: Sharon, I'm hurt! I can't believe you're stopping me from calling 911! - [SIRENS.]
- MARK: Oh oh Over here! I think it's broken.
PARAMEDIC: I got a call about a hand.
MARK: [WINCES.]
Aah! [BREATHING DEEPLY.]
PARAMEDIC: Sir, if you can do that with your hand, it's perfectly fine.
MARK: No, but just right here, it hurts so bad PARAMEDIC: Sir, I'm gonna ask you not to use 911 with your bullshit.
PARAMEDIC 2: Yeah, and especially don't blame a cute little kid like this.
Hey, buddy! Got your nose! Aah! [SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
MARK: See? I told you he was strong! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
All the props and respect Hey yo, we came to collect TIM: [BLOWING NOSE.]
VANCE: I can't believe we all got the flu.
GULED: We've been waiting forever.
ROSE: Oh, I mean, this ain't nothin'.
TIM: Oh yeah, Rose? ROSE: No, I've waited longer and in tighter spots than this.
When I was a girl, we used to have to line up at the corner store ALL: Aw! ROSE: Yeah, for a nickel, you could get an apple.
TIM: Wow.
ROSE: It was a simpler time.
- TIM: Aw.
- FRANCO: Cute.
- VANCE: She fell asleep.
- TIM: [CHUCKLES.]
GULED: Emergency contact? Rose.
Relationship How would you describe our relationship with Rose? FRANCO: Confidante.
TIM: Truly.
How fond am I of the many Christmases and summer days spent Rose and us.
GULED: Rose, what's your date of birth? VANCE: Yes.
Many a rainy March afternoon, drinking tea, listening, watching.
FRANCO: Wine and cheese tours through the Okanagan.
GULED: Guys, there's something wrong.
I don't think she's breathing.
VANCE: Guled, older people slow down their breathing.
It's a survival thing.
GULED: That's not funny.
Help me with her.
FRANCO: If you care about Rose, you'll let her rest.
GULED: You don't think I care? You don't think I remember refreshing picnic breezes, homemade soup on soft blankets under caricature clouds? I'm getting a doctor.
TIM: Rest easy, Rose.
Dream For I remember winter conversations over hot cocoa.
VANCE: I remember the smell of brownie, as I laid and laboured over lost love.
- GULED: This looks bad.
- NURSE: Yeah, this isn't good.
DOCTOR: I'll handle it.
FRANCO: Timeless afternoon laughs.
[ALL LAUGH.]
TIM: Tear-soaked shoulders.
VANCE: Hugs balanced on tip of toe.
GULED: Is she okay? DOCTOR: She's alive.
Older people slow their breathing down.
It's a survival thing.
GULED: Oh, thank God.
There's still time for one last game show and late morrow light peeking through half-drawn curtains.
Warm ones DOCTOR: I see.
What is your relationship with the patient? ALL: Um ROSE: Oh, come on, fellas! Spit it out! I'm fucking them.
- TIM: Yeah.
- VANCE: Yeah.
- DOCTOR: I've heard enough.
- NURSE: Yeah.
[BEAT STARTS.]
BIG PINKY: [RAPPING.]
My name's Big Pinky.
- I'm fresh, y'all stinky.
- WRECKER: Stank! BIG PINKY: I stay young while y'all get wrinkly! WRECKER: Old! BIG PINKY: I'm about to pop, like my face all pimply! - WRECKER: Brrap! - BIG PINKY: Gross! GIRLFRIEND: Max! I'm trying to sleep! MAX: Yo, keep recording.
We can use this as like an interlude.
GIRLFRIEND: You're killing me! You know I work nights! You and Julio should just go to JULIO: Actually, it's Criminal Wrecker now.
GIRLFRIEND: Oh, is it? BOTH: Trying to find a place to do my SoundCloud rap BIG PINKY: 'Cause studio time is expensive as crap.
BOTH: Trying to find a place to do my SoundCloud rap BIG PINKY: 'Can't do it at home 'Cause my girl needs to nap.
She works graveyard shifts at the graveyard.
WRECKER: Spooky.
BIG PINKY: Works all night so I can play hard.
- WRECKER: Sponge! - BIG PINKY: So we at the library Laying down some tracks, Spitting sick literature in between the stacks! - WRECKER: Knowledge.
- BIG PINKY: I'm on the mic, Wrecker's got the beat beating.
While we're here, we'll catch up on some reading.
Jane Eyre, Moby Dick, Twilight, the classics! Hanging with the poor kids who can't afford Scholastics! LIBRARIAN: Shh! You can't be doing that here! MAX: But we have library cards.
LIBRARIAN: Everyone has library cards.
This is Canada.
MAX: Library was a bust, but it's all right! Found a deal on the net, so we're rapping on a flight.
WRECKER: Savings! MAX: 40-dollar red-eye straight to Myrtle Beach.
Only catch is BOTH: We're in separate seats! FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sorry, we're about to take off.
We're going to need you to turn off your devices.
WRECKER: But we're recording a song! FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You can either turn it off, or leave.
BIG PINKY: Now we in a field.
Nobody for kilometres.
Turn up the bass! WRECKER: There's no power for our monitors! BIG PINKY: We tried the morgue.
- Too sad to record.
- WRECKER: Tear.
BIG PINKY: Can't do it at karate, or in a porta-potty.
WRECKER: Damn! BIG PINKY: No parking at Ikea, I got one last idea.
BOTH: Finally found a place to do my SoundCloud rap.
Santa didn't like it when we did it on his lap.
Finally found a place to do my SoundCloud rap.
We tried everywhere, everywhere on the map.
GIRLFRIEND: Guys! Seriously? MAX: Sorry.
Uh Is it cool if Criminal Wrecker spends tonight? Oh, and Santa.
WRECKER: He promises he'll be good.
GIRLFRIEND: Uh [UNDER HER BREATH.]
Yeah.
I was hoping, baby, growing To be flowing by now FRIEND: Wow.
Guys, check this place out.
FRIEND 2: I read online this is the most haunted house in the city! FRIEND: Yeah, there's supposed to be legit ghosts in here.
[EERIE WAILING.]
FRIEND 3: Whoa, what was that? GHOST: Has anyone seen my baby? I need to give him his sarsaparilla.
Is he in the well again? Oo-oo-oo! ALL: [GASP.]
FRIEND: That was really creepy.
- [EERIE WAILING.]
- FRIEND 2: Look, another one! GHOST: Get out! Leave while you still can! FRIEND 3: Whoa, slave ghost? GHOST: For you Wait, you called me a slave? FRIEND 3: Uh, I was just saying what we're all thinking.
- FRIEND: Mark! - MARK: What? I'm the racist? Seriously?! He has chains! GHOST: Oh, because I'm a black ghost in chains, you think I'm a slave.
First, you come into my house uninvited, and now this? Honestly, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
And I was a slave! FRIEND 3: You said you weren't a slave! GHOST: I was a slave.
Then I became a free man.
Hence the name, "Fraser Freemanollongeraslaveovich.
" MARK: That's your last name? FRASER: A former slave can't be a Slav? MARK: Oh, I-I did not say that.
FRIEND 2: What he's trying to say is that it's not every day we get to see a POC.
- FRASER: What? - FRIEND 2: A phantom of colour! FRASER: Bitch, I'm see-through! You saw me come in! MARK: Have you thought about losing the chains? FRASER: Have I thought about losing the chains?! I know you would never, never say that to the ghost of Christmas past! You know what? I'm done.
[CHAINS CLINKING.]
FRASER: You think I chose to haunt this stupid place? I'm trapped here because this house was built on a damn Indian burial ground! MARK: And that's my fault how? FRIEND: Uh, okay, okay, tensions are running a little high.
Uh, why don't we start over? FRASER: No.
Your little racist-ass friend fucked that up for you.
- MARK: You called me an Indian! - FRIEND: Hey-hey! FRASER: We both got work to do.
Get the hell outta here! MARK: We wanted to go exploring for - FRASER: Seriously, get! - MARK: Ah! Ah, ah, ah FRASER: Back to my boo-oo-ty call.
Hey Maybelle You up? [EERIE WAILING.]
FRASER: Maybelle, you play too much.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- COACH: Alright, time out! Time out! We're falling apart out there.
We're down 100.
- Jenny, where's the defence? - JENNY: I'm six! COACH: And Roger, where's the hustle? ROGER: My stomach has been acting up, and my wife died.
TEAM: Aw, Sarah.
COACH: We all miss Sarah, but that's no excuse! You think the other teams are mentioning their age? VANCE: Well, they're all mid-20s and jacked, so probably not.
GULED: Yeah, Coach, this feels like a unfair match.
I think we should quit.
COACH: Quit? Quit? TIM: Coach, those guys look like professional basketball players.
We don't even have numbers! Just an old guy and a child.
No offence.
- ROGER: None taken.
- COACH: Guys, read the sign.
"All Ages Basketball.
" We got all ages covered.
An old guy, a young child, and the average YouTube viewer ages 18 to 35.
GULED: Coach, you know that "all ages" doesn't mean you actually have to have all ages on your team, right? COACH: Are you trying to kick Roger and Jenny off the team? TIM: Yes.
No offence.
- JENNY: It's nap time.
- ROGER: Oh! Did she say it was half time? - [ALL SIGHING.]
- TIM: We got to quit.
- JENNY: Let's quit.
- VANCE: I'm done.
GULED: Yeah, we're done, we're done.
- TIM: We're quittin'.
- JENNY: We should quit.
COACH: That's not what a team does.
A team sticks together through thick and thin.
[ALL SIGH.]
COACH: I know we're down, and things don't look good.
But this is how every comeback story starts [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
With a speech.
COACH: And that was it.
Who's in it to win it? On three! - One, two, three! - ALL: Four! COACH: Alright.
Jenny, go win that tip! [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
JENNY: Oh! [WHIMPERING.]
COACH: Okay, looks like we lost Jenny.
JENNY: [WHIMPERING.]
COACH: Time for our ringer.
Baby, you're up.
BABY: [GURGLING.]
COACH: Alright, let's see some hustle! ALL: Aw! GULED: Can I be honest with you? There's something I need to get off my chest.
I didn't love Black Panther.
WOMAN: [GASPS.]
How dare you? GULED: I mean, I liked it! I just didn't love it.
As a piece of cinema.
I swear I'm black, though.
I cried when Obama got elected.
I can pull off a du-rag.
I don't think OJ did it.
The robbery.
He obviously did the murder.
And I believe the hype.
I dressed up and brought my siblings.
I rewatched Friday, Sister Act, Barbershop, and Sister Act 2, to prep.
But the whole time in the theatre, I just felt like people were watching me watch the movie.
I felt obligated to love this conventionally-plotted, cookie-cutter superhero story, shot entirely in front of a green screen.
I'm sorry.
But it's three stars, tops.
My black power fist is at half-mast.
Anyways, I just wanted to share my burden with you: The loneliness of being the one young black person who didn't love Black Panther.
VANCE: Guled, I heard everything.
I felt the exact same way about the emoji movie.
GULED: [SIGHS.]
VANCE: You see, as someone who uses emojis a lot, I really didn't feel like they'd sound like that.
Especially winky face.
Why does he got to be so flirty? DETECTIVE: Alright, Mr.
Mayor, the kidnappers should be calling any moment.
You remember what to do? MAYOR: I just want my son back.
DETECTIVE 2: And you'll get him back, sir, as long as you do exactly what we tell you to.
[PHONE RINGING.]
DETECTIVE 2: Go time, sir.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE: Whenever you're ready.
- MAYOR: [SLURPING TEA.]
- [RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE: Any time MAYOR: Mm-hm.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE 2: Answer the phone! [RINGING CONTINUES.]
- [DIAL TONE.]
- MAYOR: Hello? Nobody there.
DETECTIVE 2: Why didn't you answer sooner? MAYOR: I was waiting for you.
You said, "Do exactly what I tell you.
" DETECTIVE 2: Come on! DETECTIVE: Okay, let's calm down.
We weren't being clear.
That's on us.
DETECTIVE 2: Alright, in the future, if the phone rings, you answer it.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- DETECTIVE 2: Alright.
MAYOR: Hello? LOW VOICE: Follow my instructions if you want to see your son again.
The last ferry leaves the pier at 3 am.
Bring $250,000.
DETECTIVE 2: Listen, I need you to stay on the line.
No! What are you doing? MAYOR: You said "Listen!" I was trying to give you my full attention! - DETECTIVE 2: Are you kidding me? - DETECTIVE: I think it's refreshing.
Most people listen when they intend to reply, rather than to understand.
MAYOR: [SIGHS.]
Thank you.
[PHONE RINGING.]
DETECTIVE 2: Okay, we don't get third chances in this business very often.
Do not hang up! MAYOR: Hello? KIDNAPPER: Hey, sorry I lost you there earlier.
Was that you or me? MAYOR: Oh, that was me.
KIDNAPPER: Okay, good, 'cause sometimes I'll accidentally hang up the phone with my cheek, and I'll just be yapping away to nobody, and it's embarrassing, 'cause I'll go MAYOR: Yeah, you mentioned, uh, the last ferry.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- KIDNAPPER: Right.
It leaves at 3 am.
Bring $250,000 unmarked.
Make sure nobody's following you.
MAYOR: I think someone wants to talk to you.
DETECTIVE 2: [WHISPERED.]
No, no, no, no, no, no! KIDNAPPER: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! DETECTIVE 2: [WHISPERED.]
No, no, what are you doing? No, no, no, keep talking on the phone! MAYOR: Never mind, he's - [DIAL TONE.]
- MAYOR: He's gone.
DETECTIVE 2: You don't hand me the phone! MAYOR: You tapped me! DETECTIVE 2: I was trying to get your attention.
MAYOR: Okay, say you were on the phone and someone went like this - DETECTIVE: Pass the phone.
- MAYOR: Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
DETECTIVE 2: Are you trying to get your son killed? - DETECTIVE: Guys, the phone.
- MAYOR: Oh! I'm not the one who doesn't get social cues! DETECTIVE 2: Oh, shut up! Shut the hell up! DETECTIVE: Cut it out! Answer the phone! MAYOR: No! No, no, no, let's clear this up here.
What the hell's going on here? DETECTIVE 2: Oh yeah, things are about to become crystal clear - in a second.
- DETECTIVE: Hey! You two need to apologize, and get back to the phone! [RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE 2: Yeah, I'm sorry, bitch! MAYOR: Oh, we're gonna use that kind of language, huh? - DETECTIVE: Answer the phone! - MAYOR: Hello, bitch.
KIDNAPPER: Was that the "B" word? DETECTIVE: Stop.
We've traced the call.
We found the location.
- [WALKIE-TALKIE BUZZES.]
- DETECTIVE: Send them in.
KIDNAPPER: Hello? Okay, I feel like that was more the phone than him.
- Okay - [PHONE RINGING ON OTHER END.]
KIDNAPPER: I'd like to talk to somebody about switching phone plans.
No, I don't want any data I hear something.
Do your jobs, faster! SON: Help, help! Please help me! Help! Please help me! BIG PINKY & WRECKER: Trying to find a place To do my SoundCloud rap! Trying to find a place to do my SoundCloud [BEAT CONTINUES.]
We're in the wrong place! Don't shoot us in the face! BIG PINKY: Run!
You play hard.
And as a TPOC, "tired person of colour," sometimes you're required to tolerate hard.
JEAN: Let's talk diversity.
Who would like to start us off? Chris? CHRIS: Uh, I don't I'm just an intern, so [CHUCKLES.]
NARRATION: When you're tired of having another exhausting conversation, reach for All Day Tolerate.
CHRIS: Ah! Well, Jean, as the only black person here, I'd love to chat about diversity, or any other racial issues.
JEAN: When is it okay to touch a black person's hair? CHRIS: Ah, excellent question.
NARRATION: Here's how it works.
As ignorance enters your ears, your brain naturally produces anger, placing undue stress on your last nerve.
All Day Tolerate shuts down your production of woketeins and equizymes, which fortifies your ability to endure.
TOM: What do you people want? BUSINESSMAN: I don't know.
Good morning, Tom.
NARRATION: Whether you've been asked to speak for every person of your race BUSINESSMAN: We've been lied to a lot.
NARRATION: or having dinner with your girlfriend's conservative parents.
FATHER: If you ask me, Islam's a real threat to this country.
BOYFRIEND: You know I'm Muslim, right? FATHER: What's that have to do with Islamics? [CHUGGING SOUND.]
BOYFRIEND: Ah So, Islam is a religion so rich in history NARRATION: When you can't stand 'em ALL: All Day Tolerate 'em! [CANS CRACK OPEN.]
GIRLFRIEND: I'm gonna need a sip.
- BOYFRIEND: Not for you.
- GIRLFRIEND: Okay.
TallBoyz - S01E06 Under Caricature Clouds GULED: Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Vroo, too-too-too! [MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND.]
Aah! FRANCO: Yeah, I like it better with the real sounds.
GULED: [CONTINUES MAKING NOISES.]
FRANCO: Tim, it's hard to play with you blocking the TV.
TIM: No video games, just news.
Guess who just won two tickets to the chocolate factory? - VANCE: [GASPS.]
- Whoa.
- GULED: Two tickets? - FRANCO: Chocolate factory? VANCE: That's the kind of excursion that you'd only take - your very best friend on.
- ALL: Which is me.
- Me! - TIM: Guys, please! This is very hard for me.
VANCE: Well, it shouldn't be, Tim.
Have you forgot about our time at community college? This is us, first day at college.
That's us graduating, despite all those stereotypes saying that we wouldn't.
FRANCO: What about our summer working together at Papa Sandwich? GULED: Tim, what about the civil rights movement? TIM: You guys have been framing a lot of pictures.
FRANCO: There was a sale at Papa Photo.
VANCE: So, what's it gonna be, Tim? - FRANCO: Yeah, Tim.
- GULED: Yeah, Tim othy.
TIM: Um - Well, the thing is, I - VANCE: So, who's it gonna be, Tim? TIM: Uh FRANCO: Yeah, Tim.
GULED: Yeah, Tim othy.
- TIM: Guys, I - VANCE: Who's it gonna be, Tim? - TIM: The thing is - FRANCO: Yeah, Tim.
- TIM: I - GULED: Come on, Tim.
- [VOICES ECHOING.]
- Yeah, Tim, come on FRANCO: He's dead.
- My best friend is dead.
- [ALL GASP.]
FRANCO: I think, I dunno.
I'm not a doctor.
FRANCO: Get outta here.
Heart's beating.
My BFF's alive.
GULED: You mean my BFF.
FRANCO: Actually, it's my BFF.
GULED: Let go of his neck! Do not touch his neck! - You're hurting him! - FRANCO: Enough! There must be some way to settle this.
SEARCH: "How do you wake a sleeping bestie?" PHONE: Did you mean Sleeping Beauty? [PEACEFUL MUSIC.]
VANCE: I shall now wake you with a true best friend's kiss.
[LOUD KISS.]
Oh, that felt wrong.
Like I should have asked before I did that.
GULED: Yeah, maybe we should have called - the ambulance instead.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
FRANCO: Let it go to voicemail.
VOICEMAIL: Hey, you've reached our old-timey answering machine.
- Leave a message after the - [BEEP.]
VOICE: Tim, it's your mom.
Just confirming that we're still on for the chocolate factory.
TIM: Yeah, Mom.
All good, buddy.
FRANCO: His mom's his best friend? VANCE: Yeah.
TIM: See ya soon.
Love you.
MOM: Bye, sweety! TIM: Guys, why am I holding a rose? - ALL: Oh! - GULED: Well - VANCE: Uh - FRANCO: Have you seen Cinderella? MARK: I'm kind of nervous to meet your parents! SHARON: Don't worry, hon.
They'll love you.
- MARK: [SIGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- SHARON: Dad? MOM: Oh, hi! Hi, Mark! Nice to finally meet you! MARK: Likewise! Oh, and this must be Tyler.
Hey, Tyler! High five.
[LAUGHTER.]
MARK: Ow, that really hurt! DAD: He's a strong little guy.
So, Mark, what do you do for a living? MARK: Sorry, just hold on for a sec.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh! That high five really hurt! [LAUGHS.]
Ooh! Frigging hand's red.
See? - SHARON: [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, Mark.
MOM: Yeah.
MARK: No, seriously.
I think it's broken.
I'm calling 911.
SHARON: Okay Ha-ha, Mark.
- MARK: Sorry.
- SHARON: We get the joke.
MARK: It's no joke, Sharon.
[PHONE RINGS ON OTHER END.]
MARK: Hey, I'm at Trinity Bellwoods.
I broke my hand.
It was a high five incident.
SHARON: Oh my God, Mark, stop! MARK: Sharon, I'm hurt! I can't believe you're stopping me from calling 911! - [SIRENS.]
- MARK: Oh oh Over here! I think it's broken.
PARAMEDIC: I got a call about a hand.
MARK: [WINCES.]
Aah! [BREATHING DEEPLY.]
PARAMEDIC: Sir, if you can do that with your hand, it's perfectly fine.
MARK: No, but just right here, it hurts so bad PARAMEDIC: Sir, I'm gonna ask you not to use 911 with your bullshit.
PARAMEDIC 2: Yeah, and especially don't blame a cute little kid like this.
Hey, buddy! Got your nose! Aah! [SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
MARK: See? I told you he was strong! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
All the props and respect Hey yo, we came to collect TIM: [BLOWING NOSE.]
VANCE: I can't believe we all got the flu.
GULED: We've been waiting forever.
ROSE: Oh, I mean, this ain't nothin'.
TIM: Oh yeah, Rose? ROSE: No, I've waited longer and in tighter spots than this.
When I was a girl, we used to have to line up at the corner store ALL: Aw! ROSE: Yeah, for a nickel, you could get an apple.
TIM: Wow.
ROSE: It was a simpler time.
- TIM: Aw.
- FRANCO: Cute.
- VANCE: She fell asleep.
- TIM: [CHUCKLES.]
GULED: Emergency contact? Rose.
Relationship How would you describe our relationship with Rose? FRANCO: Confidante.
TIM: Truly.
How fond am I of the many Christmases and summer days spent Rose and us.
GULED: Rose, what's your date of birth? VANCE: Yes.
Many a rainy March afternoon, drinking tea, listening, watching.
FRANCO: Wine and cheese tours through the Okanagan.
GULED: Guys, there's something wrong.
I don't think she's breathing.
VANCE: Guled, older people slow down their breathing.
It's a survival thing.
GULED: That's not funny.
Help me with her.
FRANCO: If you care about Rose, you'll let her rest.
GULED: You don't think I care? You don't think I remember refreshing picnic breezes, homemade soup on soft blankets under caricature clouds? I'm getting a doctor.
TIM: Rest easy, Rose.
Dream For I remember winter conversations over hot cocoa.
VANCE: I remember the smell of brownie, as I laid and laboured over lost love.
- GULED: This looks bad.
- NURSE: Yeah, this isn't good.
DOCTOR: I'll handle it.
FRANCO: Timeless afternoon laughs.
[ALL LAUGH.]
TIM: Tear-soaked shoulders.
VANCE: Hugs balanced on tip of toe.
GULED: Is she okay? DOCTOR: She's alive.
Older people slow their breathing down.
It's a survival thing.
GULED: Oh, thank God.
There's still time for one last game show and late morrow light peeking through half-drawn curtains.
Warm ones DOCTOR: I see.
What is your relationship with the patient? ALL: Um ROSE: Oh, come on, fellas! Spit it out! I'm fucking them.
- TIM: Yeah.
- VANCE: Yeah.
- DOCTOR: I've heard enough.
- NURSE: Yeah.
[BEAT STARTS.]
BIG PINKY: [RAPPING.]
My name's Big Pinky.
- I'm fresh, y'all stinky.
- WRECKER: Stank! BIG PINKY: I stay young while y'all get wrinkly! WRECKER: Old! BIG PINKY: I'm about to pop, like my face all pimply! - WRECKER: Brrap! - BIG PINKY: Gross! GIRLFRIEND: Max! I'm trying to sleep! MAX: Yo, keep recording.
We can use this as like an interlude.
GIRLFRIEND: You're killing me! You know I work nights! You and Julio should just go to JULIO: Actually, it's Criminal Wrecker now.
GIRLFRIEND: Oh, is it? BOTH: Trying to find a place to do my SoundCloud rap BIG PINKY: 'Cause studio time is expensive as crap.
BOTH: Trying to find a place to do my SoundCloud rap BIG PINKY: 'Can't do it at home 'Cause my girl needs to nap.
She works graveyard shifts at the graveyard.
WRECKER: Spooky.
BIG PINKY: Works all night so I can play hard.
- WRECKER: Sponge! - BIG PINKY: So we at the library Laying down some tracks, Spitting sick literature in between the stacks! - WRECKER: Knowledge.
- BIG PINKY: I'm on the mic, Wrecker's got the beat beating.
While we're here, we'll catch up on some reading.
Jane Eyre, Moby Dick, Twilight, the classics! Hanging with the poor kids who can't afford Scholastics! LIBRARIAN: Shh! You can't be doing that here! MAX: But we have library cards.
LIBRARIAN: Everyone has library cards.
This is Canada.
MAX: Library was a bust, but it's all right! Found a deal on the net, so we're rapping on a flight.
WRECKER: Savings! MAX: 40-dollar red-eye straight to Myrtle Beach.
Only catch is BOTH: We're in separate seats! FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sorry, we're about to take off.
We're going to need you to turn off your devices.
WRECKER: But we're recording a song! FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You can either turn it off, or leave.
BIG PINKY: Now we in a field.
Nobody for kilometres.
Turn up the bass! WRECKER: There's no power for our monitors! BIG PINKY: We tried the morgue.
- Too sad to record.
- WRECKER: Tear.
BIG PINKY: Can't do it at karate, or in a porta-potty.
WRECKER: Damn! BIG PINKY: No parking at Ikea, I got one last idea.
BOTH: Finally found a place to do my SoundCloud rap.
Santa didn't like it when we did it on his lap.
Finally found a place to do my SoundCloud rap.
We tried everywhere, everywhere on the map.
GIRLFRIEND: Guys! Seriously? MAX: Sorry.
Uh Is it cool if Criminal Wrecker spends tonight? Oh, and Santa.
WRECKER: He promises he'll be good.
GIRLFRIEND: Uh [UNDER HER BREATH.]
Yeah.
I was hoping, baby, growing To be flowing by now FRIEND: Wow.
Guys, check this place out.
FRIEND 2: I read online this is the most haunted house in the city! FRIEND: Yeah, there's supposed to be legit ghosts in here.
[EERIE WAILING.]
FRIEND 3: Whoa, what was that? GHOST: Has anyone seen my baby? I need to give him his sarsaparilla.
Is he in the well again? Oo-oo-oo! ALL: [GASP.]
FRIEND: That was really creepy.
- [EERIE WAILING.]
- FRIEND 2: Look, another one! GHOST: Get out! Leave while you still can! FRIEND 3: Whoa, slave ghost? GHOST: For you Wait, you called me a slave? FRIEND 3: Uh, I was just saying what we're all thinking.
- FRIEND: Mark! - MARK: What? I'm the racist? Seriously?! He has chains! GHOST: Oh, because I'm a black ghost in chains, you think I'm a slave.
First, you come into my house uninvited, and now this? Honestly, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
And I was a slave! FRIEND 3: You said you weren't a slave! GHOST: I was a slave.
Then I became a free man.
Hence the name, "Fraser Freemanollongeraslaveovich.
" MARK: That's your last name? FRASER: A former slave can't be a Slav? MARK: Oh, I-I did not say that.
FRIEND 2: What he's trying to say is that it's not every day we get to see a POC.
- FRASER: What? - FRIEND 2: A phantom of colour! FRASER: Bitch, I'm see-through! You saw me come in! MARK: Have you thought about losing the chains? FRASER: Have I thought about losing the chains?! I know you would never, never say that to the ghost of Christmas past! You know what? I'm done.
[CHAINS CLINKING.]
FRASER: You think I chose to haunt this stupid place? I'm trapped here because this house was built on a damn Indian burial ground! MARK: And that's my fault how? FRIEND: Uh, okay, okay, tensions are running a little high.
Uh, why don't we start over? FRASER: No.
Your little racist-ass friend fucked that up for you.
- MARK: You called me an Indian! - FRIEND: Hey-hey! FRASER: We both got work to do.
Get the hell outta here! MARK: We wanted to go exploring for - FRASER: Seriously, get! - MARK: Ah! Ah, ah, ah FRASER: Back to my boo-oo-ty call.
Hey Maybelle You up? [EERIE WAILING.]
FRASER: Maybelle, you play too much.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- COACH: Alright, time out! Time out! We're falling apart out there.
We're down 100.
- Jenny, where's the defence? - JENNY: I'm six! COACH: And Roger, where's the hustle? ROGER: My stomach has been acting up, and my wife died.
TEAM: Aw, Sarah.
COACH: We all miss Sarah, but that's no excuse! You think the other teams are mentioning their age? VANCE: Well, they're all mid-20s and jacked, so probably not.
GULED: Yeah, Coach, this feels like a unfair match.
I think we should quit.
COACH: Quit? Quit? TIM: Coach, those guys look like professional basketball players.
We don't even have numbers! Just an old guy and a child.
No offence.
- ROGER: None taken.
- COACH: Guys, read the sign.
"All Ages Basketball.
" We got all ages covered.
An old guy, a young child, and the average YouTube viewer ages 18 to 35.
GULED: Coach, you know that "all ages" doesn't mean you actually have to have all ages on your team, right? COACH: Are you trying to kick Roger and Jenny off the team? TIM: Yes.
No offence.
- JENNY: It's nap time.
- ROGER: Oh! Did she say it was half time? - [ALL SIGHING.]
- TIM: We got to quit.
- JENNY: Let's quit.
- VANCE: I'm done.
GULED: Yeah, we're done, we're done.
- TIM: We're quittin'.
- JENNY: We should quit.
COACH: That's not what a team does.
A team sticks together through thick and thin.
[ALL SIGH.]
COACH: I know we're down, and things don't look good.
But this is how every comeback story starts [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
With a speech.
COACH: And that was it.
Who's in it to win it? On three! - One, two, three! - ALL: Four! COACH: Alright.
Jenny, go win that tip! [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
JENNY: Oh! [WHIMPERING.]
COACH: Okay, looks like we lost Jenny.
JENNY: [WHIMPERING.]
COACH: Time for our ringer.
Baby, you're up.
BABY: [GURGLING.]
COACH: Alright, let's see some hustle! ALL: Aw! GULED: Can I be honest with you? There's something I need to get off my chest.
I didn't love Black Panther.
WOMAN: [GASPS.]
How dare you? GULED: I mean, I liked it! I just didn't love it.
As a piece of cinema.
I swear I'm black, though.
I cried when Obama got elected.
I can pull off a du-rag.
I don't think OJ did it.
The robbery.
He obviously did the murder.
And I believe the hype.
I dressed up and brought my siblings.
I rewatched Friday, Sister Act, Barbershop, and Sister Act 2, to prep.
But the whole time in the theatre, I just felt like people were watching me watch the movie.
I felt obligated to love this conventionally-plotted, cookie-cutter superhero story, shot entirely in front of a green screen.
I'm sorry.
But it's three stars, tops.
My black power fist is at half-mast.
Anyways, I just wanted to share my burden with you: The loneliness of being the one young black person who didn't love Black Panther.
VANCE: Guled, I heard everything.
I felt the exact same way about the emoji movie.
GULED: [SIGHS.]
VANCE: You see, as someone who uses emojis a lot, I really didn't feel like they'd sound like that.
Especially winky face.
Why does he got to be so flirty? DETECTIVE: Alright, Mr.
Mayor, the kidnappers should be calling any moment.
You remember what to do? MAYOR: I just want my son back.
DETECTIVE 2: And you'll get him back, sir, as long as you do exactly what we tell you to.
[PHONE RINGING.]
DETECTIVE 2: Go time, sir.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE: Whenever you're ready.
- MAYOR: [SLURPING TEA.]
- [RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE: Any time MAYOR: Mm-hm.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE 2: Answer the phone! [RINGING CONTINUES.]
- [DIAL TONE.]
- MAYOR: Hello? Nobody there.
DETECTIVE 2: Why didn't you answer sooner? MAYOR: I was waiting for you.
You said, "Do exactly what I tell you.
" DETECTIVE 2: Come on! DETECTIVE: Okay, let's calm down.
We weren't being clear.
That's on us.
DETECTIVE 2: Alright, in the future, if the phone rings, you answer it.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- DETECTIVE 2: Alright.
MAYOR: Hello? LOW VOICE: Follow my instructions if you want to see your son again.
The last ferry leaves the pier at 3 am.
Bring $250,000.
DETECTIVE 2: Listen, I need you to stay on the line.
No! What are you doing? MAYOR: You said "Listen!" I was trying to give you my full attention! - DETECTIVE 2: Are you kidding me? - DETECTIVE: I think it's refreshing.
Most people listen when they intend to reply, rather than to understand.
MAYOR: [SIGHS.]
Thank you.
[PHONE RINGING.]
DETECTIVE 2: Okay, we don't get third chances in this business very often.
Do not hang up! MAYOR: Hello? KIDNAPPER: Hey, sorry I lost you there earlier.
Was that you or me? MAYOR: Oh, that was me.
KIDNAPPER: Okay, good, 'cause sometimes I'll accidentally hang up the phone with my cheek, and I'll just be yapping away to nobody, and it's embarrassing, 'cause I'll go MAYOR: Yeah, you mentioned, uh, the last ferry.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- KIDNAPPER: Right.
It leaves at 3 am.
Bring $250,000 unmarked.
Make sure nobody's following you.
MAYOR: I think someone wants to talk to you.
DETECTIVE 2: [WHISPERED.]
No, no, no, no, no, no! KIDNAPPER: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! DETECTIVE 2: [WHISPERED.]
No, no, what are you doing? No, no, no, keep talking on the phone! MAYOR: Never mind, he's - [DIAL TONE.]
- MAYOR: He's gone.
DETECTIVE 2: You don't hand me the phone! MAYOR: You tapped me! DETECTIVE 2: I was trying to get your attention.
MAYOR: Okay, say you were on the phone and someone went like this - DETECTIVE: Pass the phone.
- MAYOR: Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
DETECTIVE 2: Are you trying to get your son killed? - DETECTIVE: Guys, the phone.
- MAYOR: Oh! I'm not the one who doesn't get social cues! DETECTIVE 2: Oh, shut up! Shut the hell up! DETECTIVE: Cut it out! Answer the phone! MAYOR: No! No, no, no, let's clear this up here.
What the hell's going on here? DETECTIVE 2: Oh yeah, things are about to become crystal clear - in a second.
- DETECTIVE: Hey! You two need to apologize, and get back to the phone! [RINGING CONTINUES.]
DETECTIVE 2: Yeah, I'm sorry, bitch! MAYOR: Oh, we're gonna use that kind of language, huh? - DETECTIVE: Answer the phone! - MAYOR: Hello, bitch.
KIDNAPPER: Was that the "B" word? DETECTIVE: Stop.
We've traced the call.
We found the location.
- [WALKIE-TALKIE BUZZES.]
- DETECTIVE: Send them in.
KIDNAPPER: Hello? Okay, I feel like that was more the phone than him.
- Okay - [PHONE RINGING ON OTHER END.]
KIDNAPPER: I'd like to talk to somebody about switching phone plans.
No, I don't want any data I hear something.
Do your jobs, faster! SON: Help, help! Please help me! Help! Please help me! BIG PINKY & WRECKER: Trying to find a place To do my SoundCloud rap! Trying to find a place to do my SoundCloud [BEAT CONTINUES.]
We're in the wrong place! Don't shoot us in the face! BIG PINKY: Run!