That '80s Show (2002) s01e11 Episode Script
Road Trip (a.k.a. Star Search)
1 Uh, this one's to our favorite cousin Melissa and her new husband Felton.
Rt: Hey, Felton! And I know I speak for Katie and everyone here when I say I'm so excited and I just can't hide it âÂÅ I'm about to lose control and I think I like it âÂÅ this is a great song.
Although being in a combat situation, excited and just not hiding it could mean certain death.
Katie's so beautiful.
Hey, speaking of beautiful, how about this one here? Oh, rt.
Where the hell is my ex? I want to flaunt you.
Even if Barbara's a no-show, we still have a deal.
I know, I know.
You need a place to stay for 3 days.
Oh, look, here's cousin Ted.
Now, when he comes over here, I want you to laugh it up like you're attracted to me.
Hey, Ted! Ha Ha Ha ha! Oh, rt, I'm so attracted to you! Hey, Ted, this is my date Sophia.
Wow! So, listen, do you know what table Barbara's sitting at? I don't think she's here.
Well, is her sister here? Oh, yeah, she'll do.
Hey, Angela! Look at us! And I know, I know, I know I know I want you, I want you yeah! How about 'em? You should be on star search.
You should give someone your car keys.
Ok.
Ladies and gentlemen, cousin Ted.
You know how he is at weddings.
He's so excited and he just can't hide it '80s I'm living in the '80s '80s âÂÅ I have to push, I have to struggle âÂÅ what about  ghostbusters? Unh.
All right, ok.
So that's a maybe.
Know what I like best since you two started going out? You don't even pretend to work anymore.
Ooh, how about a concert? Who's playing at the matterhorn? Let's see.
It's a benefit.
The cure, Echo, Pat benatar, um, the killing joke.
What the hell is Pat benatar doing here? A concert? Sure.
That's what she wants you to think.
Hold my calls.
I'm in a meeting.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
What was that about? Corey, think.
Have you ever mentioned a famous rock star without getting Margaret's, "Long story short, Blah, blah, blah"? Oh, my god! Corey, I have the most amazing thing to tell you that you're not even going to believe.
You found your retainer? I wish.
No.
Remember when we were little and we always said that one day we'd be on tv? Yeah, and then they canceled  electric company.
Well, we're gonna be on star search.
What? Last week at the wedding! When cousin Ted said we should be on star search! It wasn't the booze.
He meant it! He actually scouts talent for the show and he wants us to be on it! You told him no, right? So you'll do it? No.
Great.
I gotta get to class, but I'll see you at home! I'm so excited! Oh, my God.
That's our song.
Wow.
No.
We're not doing  star search, all right? Katie will just have to get over it.
Forget star search.
You play weddings? Believe me, that was our last one.
Look, they were fun when I was Younger because I was sort of the family rock star and I got to make out with my cousin Sharon's more developed friends.
So, let me get this straight-- weddings are ok, but star search is somehow beneath you? I'm a very complicated man.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
Permanent record.
Yeah, hold on.
Margaret, it's for you! Thanks for holding my calls! Hello? Oh, thank god, Gary.
It's you.
You're not gonna believe this.
Benatar's back in town.
Hey, Roger, give me a hand.
Can't.
I'm setting my swatches.
Hey, what time is it in London? 2100 hours.
9:00.
These are gonna look real good at the club this weekend.
Oh, I'm not gonna be at the club.
I'm gonna be in Hollywood.
Corey and Katie are gonna be on  star search.
What?! no one told me.
Well, then this is incredibly awkward.
Owen, give me a hand here.
Yeah.
Gladly.
Uh, is this all there is? [GIGGLES.]
Oh, you're so cute.
Oh, my god.
Which one did I put the cat in? Kipper? Kipper? Oh, I'll figure that out later.
Are you going to star search? No.
I'm stuck here.
I have to be out of my boyfriend's condo.
Apparently his wife wants to use it.
So you knew about  star search? Of course.
Katie called me immediately.
It's all very exciting.
Can we move on now? I can't believe my ex didn't show up for that wedding.
Here I bring Sophia, this hot piece of tail-- rt! Sorry.
Sophisticated piece of tail.
[GIGGLES.]
How'd they get on star search? My cousin Ted.
He's a talent scout for the show.
[GASPS.]
Well, I guess I'll get unpacked.
You do have Cable in the guest room, right? Cable, yes.
There is a Cable in there.
Corey, why didn't you tell me? I can help you! There is no end to the magic that is Roger, and I am willing to share it.
What are you talking about? Â Star search! To the top from here, Buddy! You would be the next Jason winters.
Who's Jason winters? Four-time Champion? Look, Roger, I didn't tell you because I'm not doing it.
Why would I want to be on star search singing a stupid cover when I write my own Music? Look, don't be an idiot, son.
Cousin Ted called.
He said you get $2,500 just for showing up.
We should pay them.
Hell, that's half of what you earn in a year.
I mean, I love you, son, but who am I kidding? I failed.
$2,500?! Let's see, 10% is $250-- that's my fee-- Oh, my god, if you win the $100,000? [SQUEALS.]
Roger, you're not my agent.
We have a verbal.
Corey, we are so blessed.
We get to be on national tv doing what we love, and we're getting paid! Katie, look, performing together used to be fun, but those days are over.
Besides, you're not even serious about singing.
I never pursued it because you wanted to do your own thing.
Maybe we should get back together.
This is a sign! Yeah, it's a sign that says, "Good-Bye, soul.
Hello, Mainstream.
" Why can't we do this for fun? Your soul won't mind.
And if we lose, I'll never bring it up again.
This is star search, damn it! Excuse my language.
All I'm saying, Corey, is there is big money in brother-sister acts.
The carpenters, Donnie and Marie, Steve and Edie-- they're married.
Aw, that's just wrong.
"Dear diary, remember when I thought my boyfriend "Would never get on star search? Well, guess what?" I am not doing  star search.
"Talk to you later, diary.
I'm too depressed to write.
" Just came in to pick up a few things.
Margaret, what's wrong? Trust me.
The less you know, the safer you'll be.
Is this about Pat benatar? [SIGHS.]
A couple of years ago I was doing pyrotechnics on Pat benatar's first concert tour.
You did pyrotechnics? I was subbing for a guy.
I was trying to put a little more spark in her encore, Â fire and ice.
I went all fourth of july with the flash pots and blinded half the audience.
Last thing I remember was Pat in flames and jersey in my rearview mirror.
Anyway, I knew she'd catch up to me one of these days.
Margaret, do you really expect us to believe this? I expect you to keep your mouths shut! And stay away from the windows.
I'll be back when the heat's off.
Hey, Barbara, it's rt.
Well, hey, yourself.
Well, we missed you at the wedding.
Yeah.
The kids played.
It was real sweet.
No.
I was just calling to see if everything was all right.
Well, because, you know, if you were dead, I could stop sending those checks.
Well, of course I'm kidding.
You know me.
So, did you talk to your sister? Did she mention my date? Is that all she said? She didn't describe her? Ok, are you sitting down? Young, blonde, legs up to her neck Well, yeah, I know that's anatomically impossible.
Well, of course she has a torso! You know, you ruin everything! No, no, no.
I'll just send you pictures, baby! You ok, Honey? Yeah, I'm fine.
Well, if I were you, I'd be ready to tear Somebody's brother's throat out.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
Katie told me about you breaking your promise.
Look, Owen, if I didn't make it, I didn't break it.
Don't start rhyming with me, piano man.
You know, uh, in the navy, when a guy breaks his word, sometimes his leg gets broken with it.
Owen, that's very sweet, but it's ok.
Corey has every right to say no.
It's not his dream, it's mine.
My dream was to perform together One last time and go out in a blaze of glory.
Corey's dream is to write his own music.
Alone.
Without me.
And when 2 dreams collide, one of them has to die.
Mine.
But I'm ok.
I'm going up to my room.
Owen, will you hold me While my dream dies? Man.
This really means a lot to her.
Yeah.
It does.
[SIGHS.]
I gotta do it.
Damn right, you have to do it.
I just said I would.
Stop trying to get out of it.
I said yes.
Not another word! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
Hi, Ted.
Come on in.
Hey.
I just came by to drop off the itinerary.
You need to be in l.
A.
By 2:00 because they want to do a costume fitting and an interview before the show.
Will it be ed Mcmahon? His assistant.
She's pretty.
A little mustache.
I shouldn't be telling you guys this, but always play to the judges.
Oh, he's right.
It's all about seducing the judges.
That's how I won miss Teen san Diego, miss coppertone, and miss preteen Tijuana.
You won miss preteen Tijuana?  ¡SÃ, soy Linda! Look, it's not about the judges.
It's about the moves.
Now, Corey, I think you should open with something like eyes to the left.
Kick it to the right.
Then, oh, reverse! And hip and hip and hip! You need to see that again? No.
Owen: Animal, vegetable or mineral? Animal.
Is it fishsticks? Animal person.
Is it me? Yes! Ugh.
Aww.
Why can't I ride up front? Because I'd rather have Tuesday's hand on my leg while I'm driving.
She can reach you from the back seat.
And I can reach you from the front seat.
Shut up! [SIGHS.]
Are we there yet? Aah! Roger! We just got on the freeway.
We've got at least another hour.
Corey, you know what we should do? Donate the $2,500 to the dolphin rescue fund.
Um, I'm at sea.
I see dolphins all day.
They're really fine.
We could use that money to buy a house and a car and a nice barbecue-- what are you, nuts? After taxes, you're lucky if you can buy a good leather coat.
Well, I don't know where you shop.
Man, I'd get my amp fixed and get some studio time and cut a demo.
Hmm.
I'd go to Paris and take cooking classes.
Cooking classes? Did I say cooking classes? I meant I'd go to Paris and Hock loogies off the eiffel tower.
Ha! Oh.
Well, if the dolphins didn't really need the money, I would buy a really expensive pair of jeans and finally go to Hershey, pennsylvania.
Hershey, pennsylvania? Yeah.
It's the chocolate capital of the world.
She's always wanted to go there.
You got a problem with that? Yes! Morons, you take the money and put it in the bank.
You buy a new suit, you start lunching at the harvard club at a table next to a fortune 500 ceo, develop a relationship, marry his daughter, it kills him, you take over the company, and you're sitting pretty on his yacht ignoring your friends from high school Who didn't let you sit in the front seat! Ok, Roger.
You can sit in the front seat.
Really? No! Aah! Ho Ho ho! [OWEN LAUGHS.]
Found it.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You know, rt, when Donald Bought that condo, he said it was just for me.
Then all of a sudden his wife shows up and I'm living out of a Louis vuitton steamer trunk like a hobo.
Did it ever occur to you not to date married men? Oh, god, no.
They're the only ones who'll let me have affairs with women.
You know, Sophia, you're really much too smart to play all these silly games.
Oh, games like taking your attractive director of marketing to a wedding to get your ex-wife back? Oh, I don't want Barbara back.
I just want her to want me back so I can no.
Oh, I love doing that.
Sophia, I think it's time you got your own place.
You're right.
Besides, once I take over your company, I'll need a bigger place to entertain.
Hmm.
Could you give me a heads up before you make your move? If I tell you, it won't be betrayal, and what fun is that? I like your style.
[GIGGLES.]
I like your office.
[TAP TAP.]
Ohh, Katie.
You look great in that.
Thanks, Owen.
I just hope Corey likes his.
Alls I can say is thank god I'm here, 'cause if I wasn't and Michael Douglas was, he'd see how beautiful you look and sweep you off to dinner.
If not more.
Owen you say this to me every time I get dressed up.
So, what are you guys, spokesladies? Yeah.
Yeah.
You memorize your state capitals? No.
Well, you better get ready for the speed round.
There's a speed round? If you make it out of the fire Maze! [GASPS.]
That sounds really hard.
We're gonna need more hairspray.
Get the car.
I'm sorry.
I'm waiting for my boyfriend.
They did things to me.
I think I'm wearing rouge.
Yeah, you are.
You're not helping! I'm sorry, but you look like some kind of space Hooker.
Oh, my god.
Very shiny.
Lookin' good! I need to talk to Corey alone.
Excuse me, but if you need to talk to my client, I need to be present-- oh, there's ed Mcmahon.
How's my breath? Corey, we can't do this.
What? I'm so sorry.
Katie, I can't hear you.
I can't talk any louder or I'll cry.
You love me so much that you're willing to go out in front of millions of people and make a humongous ass of yourself.
I just can't let you do it.
Yeah, but this was so important to you.
I thought it was important, but what's important is knowing you'd do it for me.
And now I don't need to go out there.
Are you wearing blush? And lipstick.
Let's get out of here.
Thank you.
We're talking ballpark here, $100,000? No.
$250,000? No! Half a mil? I'm not gonna tell you how much I make! I'll tell you how much I make.
What do you drive, ed? Hey, Hey, who are you? Someone you need to know.
Now, do you have representation, ed? Security! Aw, come on, ed! [GIGGLING.]
Hey.
It's Pat benatar.
Yeah, right.
Oh, my God.
Where's Margaret? That's Margaret.
No, you're Margaret.
I couldn't forget that face.
Not after what you did.
My life has never been the same.
I was new.
I'd never worked with gunpowder before.
What do you want? The store? Take it! Take it and get out.
Is there a problem here? Oh, man, you brought muscle? That's low, benatar.
Yeah, benatar! Just wanted to say her name.
She looked at me.
Margaret, I wanted to thank you.
Thank me? Neil and I had been working together for years, but we were just friends.
But that night you set me on fire accidentally.
Whatever.
Neil came to my rescue.
He threw his jacket around me and smothered out the flames.
When we were rolling around on that stage, we looked into each other's eyes and realized How much we loved each other.
After my eyebrows grew back in, we got married.
So, why do you want to kick my ass? I don't.
I just want to invite you to Del mar.
We're gonna renew our vows.
Ok.
When? Now.
Let's go.
I can't tell you how much I missed you.
Don't make this any Harder than it has to be, Neil.
I'll never question her again.
She looked at me.
Ed? Ed.
Hey, ed.
You're next, Amy.
Good luck, honey.
Oh, please, ed! Give me a minute! Huh? Watch this.
Uh ah ooh-ooh ah.
Ooh-ah Ooh-ah! Uh-Uh ah! Wow! That's dynamite! Get out there, kid! That's show business.
Hey, baby! In your face, you 8-year-old no-talent.
Rt: Hey, Felton! And I know I speak for Katie and everyone here when I say I'm so excited and I just can't hide it âÂÅ I'm about to lose control and I think I like it âÂÅ this is a great song.
Although being in a combat situation, excited and just not hiding it could mean certain death.
Katie's so beautiful.
Hey, speaking of beautiful, how about this one here? Oh, rt.
Where the hell is my ex? I want to flaunt you.
Even if Barbara's a no-show, we still have a deal.
I know, I know.
You need a place to stay for 3 days.
Oh, look, here's cousin Ted.
Now, when he comes over here, I want you to laugh it up like you're attracted to me.
Hey, Ted! Ha Ha Ha ha! Oh, rt, I'm so attracted to you! Hey, Ted, this is my date Sophia.
Wow! So, listen, do you know what table Barbara's sitting at? I don't think she's here.
Well, is her sister here? Oh, yeah, she'll do.
Hey, Angela! Look at us! And I know, I know, I know I know I want you, I want you yeah! How about 'em? You should be on star search.
You should give someone your car keys.
Ok.
Ladies and gentlemen, cousin Ted.
You know how he is at weddings.
He's so excited and he just can't hide it '80s I'm living in the '80s '80s âÂÅ I have to push, I have to struggle âÂÅ what about  ghostbusters? Unh.
All right, ok.
So that's a maybe.
Know what I like best since you two started going out? You don't even pretend to work anymore.
Ooh, how about a concert? Who's playing at the matterhorn? Let's see.
It's a benefit.
The cure, Echo, Pat benatar, um, the killing joke.
What the hell is Pat benatar doing here? A concert? Sure.
That's what she wants you to think.
Hold my calls.
I'm in a meeting.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
What was that about? Corey, think.
Have you ever mentioned a famous rock star without getting Margaret's, "Long story short, Blah, blah, blah"? Oh, my god! Corey, I have the most amazing thing to tell you that you're not even going to believe.
You found your retainer? I wish.
No.
Remember when we were little and we always said that one day we'd be on tv? Yeah, and then they canceled  electric company.
Well, we're gonna be on star search.
What? Last week at the wedding! When cousin Ted said we should be on star search! It wasn't the booze.
He meant it! He actually scouts talent for the show and he wants us to be on it! You told him no, right? So you'll do it? No.
Great.
I gotta get to class, but I'll see you at home! I'm so excited! Oh, my God.
That's our song.
Wow.
No.
We're not doing  star search, all right? Katie will just have to get over it.
Forget star search.
You play weddings? Believe me, that was our last one.
Look, they were fun when I was Younger because I was sort of the family rock star and I got to make out with my cousin Sharon's more developed friends.
So, let me get this straight-- weddings are ok, but star search is somehow beneath you? I'm a very complicated man.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
Permanent record.
Yeah, hold on.
Margaret, it's for you! Thanks for holding my calls! Hello? Oh, thank god, Gary.
It's you.
You're not gonna believe this.
Benatar's back in town.
Hey, Roger, give me a hand.
Can't.
I'm setting my swatches.
Hey, what time is it in London? 2100 hours.
9:00.
These are gonna look real good at the club this weekend.
Oh, I'm not gonna be at the club.
I'm gonna be in Hollywood.
Corey and Katie are gonna be on  star search.
What?! no one told me.
Well, then this is incredibly awkward.
Owen, give me a hand here.
Yeah.
Gladly.
Uh, is this all there is? [GIGGLES.]
Oh, you're so cute.
Oh, my god.
Which one did I put the cat in? Kipper? Kipper? Oh, I'll figure that out later.
Are you going to star search? No.
I'm stuck here.
I have to be out of my boyfriend's condo.
Apparently his wife wants to use it.
So you knew about  star search? Of course.
Katie called me immediately.
It's all very exciting.
Can we move on now? I can't believe my ex didn't show up for that wedding.
Here I bring Sophia, this hot piece of tail-- rt! Sorry.
Sophisticated piece of tail.
[GIGGLES.]
How'd they get on star search? My cousin Ted.
He's a talent scout for the show.
[GASPS.]
Well, I guess I'll get unpacked.
You do have Cable in the guest room, right? Cable, yes.
There is a Cable in there.
Corey, why didn't you tell me? I can help you! There is no end to the magic that is Roger, and I am willing to share it.
What are you talking about? Â Star search! To the top from here, Buddy! You would be the next Jason winters.
Who's Jason winters? Four-time Champion? Look, Roger, I didn't tell you because I'm not doing it.
Why would I want to be on star search singing a stupid cover when I write my own Music? Look, don't be an idiot, son.
Cousin Ted called.
He said you get $2,500 just for showing up.
We should pay them.
Hell, that's half of what you earn in a year.
I mean, I love you, son, but who am I kidding? I failed.
$2,500?! Let's see, 10% is $250-- that's my fee-- Oh, my god, if you win the $100,000? [SQUEALS.]
Roger, you're not my agent.
We have a verbal.
Corey, we are so blessed.
We get to be on national tv doing what we love, and we're getting paid! Katie, look, performing together used to be fun, but those days are over.
Besides, you're not even serious about singing.
I never pursued it because you wanted to do your own thing.
Maybe we should get back together.
This is a sign! Yeah, it's a sign that says, "Good-Bye, soul.
Hello, Mainstream.
" Why can't we do this for fun? Your soul won't mind.
And if we lose, I'll never bring it up again.
This is star search, damn it! Excuse my language.
All I'm saying, Corey, is there is big money in brother-sister acts.
The carpenters, Donnie and Marie, Steve and Edie-- they're married.
Aw, that's just wrong.
"Dear diary, remember when I thought my boyfriend "Would never get on star search? Well, guess what?" I am not doing  star search.
"Talk to you later, diary.
I'm too depressed to write.
" Just came in to pick up a few things.
Margaret, what's wrong? Trust me.
The less you know, the safer you'll be.
Is this about Pat benatar? [SIGHS.]
A couple of years ago I was doing pyrotechnics on Pat benatar's first concert tour.
You did pyrotechnics? I was subbing for a guy.
I was trying to put a little more spark in her encore, Â fire and ice.
I went all fourth of july with the flash pots and blinded half the audience.
Last thing I remember was Pat in flames and jersey in my rearview mirror.
Anyway, I knew she'd catch up to me one of these days.
Margaret, do you really expect us to believe this? I expect you to keep your mouths shut! And stay away from the windows.
I'll be back when the heat's off.
Hey, Barbara, it's rt.
Well, hey, yourself.
Well, we missed you at the wedding.
Yeah.
The kids played.
It was real sweet.
No.
I was just calling to see if everything was all right.
Well, because, you know, if you were dead, I could stop sending those checks.
Well, of course I'm kidding.
You know me.
So, did you talk to your sister? Did she mention my date? Is that all she said? She didn't describe her? Ok, are you sitting down? Young, blonde, legs up to her neck Well, yeah, I know that's anatomically impossible.
Well, of course she has a torso! You know, you ruin everything! No, no, no.
I'll just send you pictures, baby! You ok, Honey? Yeah, I'm fine.
Well, if I were you, I'd be ready to tear Somebody's brother's throat out.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
Katie told me about you breaking your promise.
Look, Owen, if I didn't make it, I didn't break it.
Don't start rhyming with me, piano man.
You know, uh, in the navy, when a guy breaks his word, sometimes his leg gets broken with it.
Owen, that's very sweet, but it's ok.
Corey has every right to say no.
It's not his dream, it's mine.
My dream was to perform together One last time and go out in a blaze of glory.
Corey's dream is to write his own music.
Alone.
Without me.
And when 2 dreams collide, one of them has to die.
Mine.
But I'm ok.
I'm going up to my room.
Owen, will you hold me While my dream dies? Man.
This really means a lot to her.
Yeah.
It does.
[SIGHS.]
I gotta do it.
Damn right, you have to do it.
I just said I would.
Stop trying to get out of it.
I said yes.
Not another word! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
Hi, Ted.
Come on in.
Hey.
I just came by to drop off the itinerary.
You need to be in l.
A.
By 2:00 because they want to do a costume fitting and an interview before the show.
Will it be ed Mcmahon? His assistant.
She's pretty.
A little mustache.
I shouldn't be telling you guys this, but always play to the judges.
Oh, he's right.
It's all about seducing the judges.
That's how I won miss Teen san Diego, miss coppertone, and miss preteen Tijuana.
You won miss preteen Tijuana?  ¡SÃ, soy Linda! Look, it's not about the judges.
It's about the moves.
Now, Corey, I think you should open with something like eyes to the left.
Kick it to the right.
Then, oh, reverse! And hip and hip and hip! You need to see that again? No.
Owen: Animal, vegetable or mineral? Animal.
Is it fishsticks? Animal person.
Is it me? Yes! Ugh.
Aww.
Why can't I ride up front? Because I'd rather have Tuesday's hand on my leg while I'm driving.
She can reach you from the back seat.
And I can reach you from the front seat.
Shut up! [SIGHS.]
Are we there yet? Aah! Roger! We just got on the freeway.
We've got at least another hour.
Corey, you know what we should do? Donate the $2,500 to the dolphin rescue fund.
Um, I'm at sea.
I see dolphins all day.
They're really fine.
We could use that money to buy a house and a car and a nice barbecue-- what are you, nuts? After taxes, you're lucky if you can buy a good leather coat.
Well, I don't know where you shop.
Man, I'd get my amp fixed and get some studio time and cut a demo.
Hmm.
I'd go to Paris and take cooking classes.
Cooking classes? Did I say cooking classes? I meant I'd go to Paris and Hock loogies off the eiffel tower.
Ha! Oh.
Well, if the dolphins didn't really need the money, I would buy a really expensive pair of jeans and finally go to Hershey, pennsylvania.
Hershey, pennsylvania? Yeah.
It's the chocolate capital of the world.
She's always wanted to go there.
You got a problem with that? Yes! Morons, you take the money and put it in the bank.
You buy a new suit, you start lunching at the harvard club at a table next to a fortune 500 ceo, develop a relationship, marry his daughter, it kills him, you take over the company, and you're sitting pretty on his yacht ignoring your friends from high school Who didn't let you sit in the front seat! Ok, Roger.
You can sit in the front seat.
Really? No! Aah! Ho Ho ho! [OWEN LAUGHS.]
Found it.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You know, rt, when Donald Bought that condo, he said it was just for me.
Then all of a sudden his wife shows up and I'm living out of a Louis vuitton steamer trunk like a hobo.
Did it ever occur to you not to date married men? Oh, god, no.
They're the only ones who'll let me have affairs with women.
You know, Sophia, you're really much too smart to play all these silly games.
Oh, games like taking your attractive director of marketing to a wedding to get your ex-wife back? Oh, I don't want Barbara back.
I just want her to want me back so I can no.
Oh, I love doing that.
Sophia, I think it's time you got your own place.
You're right.
Besides, once I take over your company, I'll need a bigger place to entertain.
Hmm.
Could you give me a heads up before you make your move? If I tell you, it won't be betrayal, and what fun is that? I like your style.
[GIGGLES.]
I like your office.
[TAP TAP.]
Ohh, Katie.
You look great in that.
Thanks, Owen.
I just hope Corey likes his.
Alls I can say is thank god I'm here, 'cause if I wasn't and Michael Douglas was, he'd see how beautiful you look and sweep you off to dinner.
If not more.
Owen you say this to me every time I get dressed up.
So, what are you guys, spokesladies? Yeah.
Yeah.
You memorize your state capitals? No.
Well, you better get ready for the speed round.
There's a speed round? If you make it out of the fire Maze! [GASPS.]
That sounds really hard.
We're gonna need more hairspray.
Get the car.
I'm sorry.
I'm waiting for my boyfriend.
They did things to me.
I think I'm wearing rouge.
Yeah, you are.
You're not helping! I'm sorry, but you look like some kind of space Hooker.
Oh, my god.
Very shiny.
Lookin' good! I need to talk to Corey alone.
Excuse me, but if you need to talk to my client, I need to be present-- oh, there's ed Mcmahon.
How's my breath? Corey, we can't do this.
What? I'm so sorry.
Katie, I can't hear you.
I can't talk any louder or I'll cry.
You love me so much that you're willing to go out in front of millions of people and make a humongous ass of yourself.
I just can't let you do it.
Yeah, but this was so important to you.
I thought it was important, but what's important is knowing you'd do it for me.
And now I don't need to go out there.
Are you wearing blush? And lipstick.
Let's get out of here.
Thank you.
We're talking ballpark here, $100,000? No.
$250,000? No! Half a mil? I'm not gonna tell you how much I make! I'll tell you how much I make.
What do you drive, ed? Hey, Hey, who are you? Someone you need to know.
Now, do you have representation, ed? Security! Aw, come on, ed! [GIGGLING.]
Hey.
It's Pat benatar.
Yeah, right.
Oh, my God.
Where's Margaret? That's Margaret.
No, you're Margaret.
I couldn't forget that face.
Not after what you did.
My life has never been the same.
I was new.
I'd never worked with gunpowder before.
What do you want? The store? Take it! Take it and get out.
Is there a problem here? Oh, man, you brought muscle? That's low, benatar.
Yeah, benatar! Just wanted to say her name.
She looked at me.
Margaret, I wanted to thank you.
Thank me? Neil and I had been working together for years, but we were just friends.
But that night you set me on fire accidentally.
Whatever.
Neil came to my rescue.
He threw his jacket around me and smothered out the flames.
When we were rolling around on that stage, we looked into each other's eyes and realized How much we loved each other.
After my eyebrows grew back in, we got married.
So, why do you want to kick my ass? I don't.
I just want to invite you to Del mar.
We're gonna renew our vows.
Ok.
When? Now.
Let's go.
I can't tell you how much I missed you.
Don't make this any Harder than it has to be, Neil.
I'll never question her again.
She looked at me.
Ed? Ed.
Hey, ed.
You're next, Amy.
Good luck, honey.
Oh, please, ed! Give me a minute! Huh? Watch this.
Uh ah ooh-ooh ah.
Ooh-ah Ooh-ah! Uh-Uh ah! Wow! That's dynamite! Get out there, kid! That's show business.
Hey, baby! In your face, you 8-year-old no-talent.