The Addams Family (1964) s02e17 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Thank you, Thing.
Not bad for a beginner.
Look who my teacher is.
That's true! But remember in the future, my dear, follow through! Follow through! Mother, can we go out and play? In this weather? With all that blue sky and sunshine? We've been in for two weeks now.
And there's nothing left to do.
I know just the thing! How would you children like to come down to the moat and watch me wrestle with the alligator? - In the quicksand.
- In the quicksand? Oh, goody! Oh, yes! I see what I've been doing wrong.
Oh, thank you, Thing.
- Gomez.
- Yes, my dear.
I'm concerned about the children.
I know! But every silver lining has its cloud.
And with all of us cooped up here on account of the elements, it's bound to get a bit sticky.
Oh, no, darling.
That isn't exactly what I meant.
You know, I thought Uncle Fester was spoiling them, but Mama is even worse.
She lets them sit on her back in the morning when she does her pushups, she's told them where I keep the yak fudge, and I know she's letting Pugsley sleep with his tarantula.
I'm going to speak to her! But gently, Morticia, gently.
Of course.
I threw him in 12 seconds flat.
And she's gonna do it again this afternoon.
With one hand tied.
Mama, that's the fourth time this week.
Don't worry.
I'm in good shape.
I'm gonna work out again on my trampoline.
It's the children we're concerned about, Mama.
You probably don't realize it, but you're being much too indulgent.
Besides, you're wearing out the poor alligator.
And you're shedding crocodile tears.
Pish tosh! And I think she means it.
Oh, blue skies again! Oh, those dreadful petals getting larger and larger, and my poor thorns just wilting away.
Great game, polo! I may donate a field to the orphanage.
On your way, Kelso.
Good shot, darling.
The door.
Sounds like a wild beast.
Optimist! Whoa! Gomez, is it really you? Maybe not.
I haven't been myself lately.
Morticia! Thank you.
Am I really home? Doesn't it look like it, dear? I don't know.
Those blue skies, all that sunshine.
It's done something to my mind.
I thought I was home twice already this afternoon.
Both times it turned out to be a mirage.
Whee! Thank goodness.
This time it's real.
Mama just can't seem to stay on that trampoline.
Uncle Fester, what ever possessed you to go out on a day like this? I had no choice.
There wasn't a single stick left in the whole house.
And you know they don't deliver on weekends.
Couldn't it have waited till Monday? What? Wait three whole days without an explosion? How are you going to explain that to a child? Uncle Fester, don't you think you've been indulging them a bit too much? Fester, my parents were rich, but when I was a boy, I sold newspapers, collected bottles, scrimped and saved my kopeks, so that I could buy one single stick of 40% nitro.
Now, that's how you build character.
But it makes them so happy.
Uncle Fester, a happy child is merely an unhappy child who's having fun.
For their sakes, I'll take care of this for a while.
But that's my dynamite.
I paid for it with my blood, sweat, and my alligator egg money.
Uncle Fester, please try and understand.
We don't want you and Mama spoiling the children.
Well, I don't call the bare necessities of life spoiling them.
All right.
I'll be up in my closet sulking.
Kind of dark in there.
I don't think we were unreasonable.
Do you? Oh, of course not, darling.
You know he loves to pout.
It keeps his battery charged.
You rang? Yes, Lurch.
Would you Darling.
Where should we store Uncle Fester's dynamite? That little shelf right above the furnace should be perfect.
As for the weather, this part of the country will remain unchanged.
- Fair.
- Clear.
- Sunny.
- Maddening! Meanwhile, the Gulf Coast states are bracing themselves for the arrival of hurricane Zsa Zsa.
Hurricane Zsa Zsa.
Oh, Gomez.
It makes me go all tingly all over just to think about it.
If we hurry, we can drive down and catch it.
Divine.
Oh, no.
It isn't.
Darling, we can't go.
The children are in school.
And we couldn't leave them with Uncle Fester and Mama.
It would be such an imposition.
True.
We won't have to.
I'll engage a governess.
You're always at your best in a crisis.
You're so inspiring.
That's what they said about Old Ebenezer Addams.
When he led the early settlers across the great plains? When he sold the first guns to the Indians.
He really was a pioneer.
I'm going to engage a governess.
This is Mrs.
Addams, over on Cemetery Ridge.
I'd like to engage a governess for a week or two.
Oh? Just a moment.
They have a Miss Thudd.
She speaks Choctaw like a native and holds a white hunter's license.
Sounds like a gem.
Miss Thudd will be acceptable.
A hundred dollars? Sounds like a steal.
A hundred dollars seems a bit high.
After all, we do have a butler to take care of the alligator in the basement.
Yes.
Alligator.
All she'd have to do is supervise the children and a few African stranglers.
She'd see that their food is well cooked and that they brush after every meal.
No, not the children, the stranglers.
Two hundred dollars? Very well, we'll take it.
I kept her from going to three.
That's what I call horse trading.
Zsa Zsa, here we come.
One thing about traveling light, it doesn't take you long to pack.
Tish.
You sentimental little dickens.
I wore it at our first hurricane.
They'll be gone a whole week.
It shows that they really do count on us.
I fixed them a snack for the road.
You better take it to them before it stiffens.
That's beautiful.
You know what? I like it the way they trust us with the children.
It gets me right here.
Oh? Oh? Oh.
Well, thank you very much for calling.
Gomez.
The governess can't be here until tomorrow.
Oh, well.
We'll just have to miss the first day of the big blow.
If you've seen them sandbag one lobby, you've seen them all.
I don't like the sound of that cough.
And we don't like the sound of what Lurch just told us.
Yeah, the truth is finally out.
You don't trust us with the children.
You think we're too feeble and too old and too unreliable.
And too shiftless and too low-down and too uncouth and - Fester! - I was carried away.
Oh, my dears, we simply didn't want to burden you with the responsibility.
See? You heard it from her own lips.
- We're not responsible.
- Don't be foolish.
Now we're foolish, too.
Let's clear out.
All right, we're gonna go pack up our money and my light bulb.
Gomez, darling, stop them.
Don't worry, my dear.
They're obviously bluffing about leaving.
They're merely children, and from time to time, need mature, sensible guidance.
We're not helpless.
Imagine a governess in our house.
Fester! You know the combination of that safe.
How many times do I have to tell you? It's so much more fun cracking it.
My.
The things that come out of a nest egg! That little fellow must be hungry.
Fester, I just remembered.
There's no money in there.
Something better than money.
The great Star of the East.
Oh, yes! The sacred ruby that Great-Grandfather Blob pried from the head of the Hindu idol.
Not pried from the head of a Hindu idol, pried from the head of a Hindu.
It was giving him a terrible headache, and he was so relieved, he gave Great-Grandpapa a present of the ruby.
Gone.
- Burglars? - Couldn't be.
Why would they take just that and leave the rest of these valuables? Let me take a peek.
Remember? Oh, yeah! That cat that yowled half the night.
Well, it was the only rock in the house.
That's that.
Now we gotta stay home.
We'll do the next best thing.
Now, they'll stay on their side and, since we're not needed, we'll stay over here.
One thing, this whole business is so outlandish, it can't last.
We'll keep it just this way from now on.
I should have thought of this 20 years ago.
Well, we might as well have lunch.
You rang? Hey, here's a hot one.
Good-as-new rickshaw, never been on a freeway, only $98.
See Slippery Sam, the honest Chinaman.
I'd have to see that first.
- We got gypped the last time.
- Yeah.
Oh, Lurch.
Ask Mr.
Addams if I can see the sports page please.
And if Mrs.
Addams doesn't mind, I'd like fashions.
Sports page.
See if you can get the want ads.
That rickshaw sounds like a steal.
Lurch, I'd like theater and arts when Mama is through.
- I heard him.
- I did, too.
Thank you, Lurch.
Thank you.
By george! Here's an interesting want ad.
The ladies skirts will be longer this year.
Lurch, you gave me the sports page.
And I've got finance.
Yeah, and I'm stuck with the news.
I got finance again.
He gave me the society page.
Schwarzkopf pitches no-hitter! Not bad for a rickshaw boy.
Am I back to sports again? Appears to be.
I'm in want ads.
Lurch, you gave me real estate.
And I certainly don't need beauty hints.
Oh, that must be the new governess.
Better answer the door, Lurch.
I am the new governess.
Follow me.
That throat needs tending.
Definitely! Wait here.
Ah, Miss Thudd.
Just call me Thudd.
We hope you'll like it here, Thudd.
I like the house.
It is nice and homey, isn't it? Cheerful, too.
I think it would be even cheerier if we put up a few more family pictures.
Oh, darling, it would be too much with that.
Oh, of course.
Cousin Nanook's family.
Won't you sit down? I prefer to stand.
Ah, children.
This is Wednesday and Pugsley, our children.
Darlings, this is your new governess, Thudd.
My guillotine's busted.
"Broken," not "busted.
" Well, either way, we can't make it work.
You must think positively.
Keep repeating firmly to yourself, "My guillotine will work.
My guillotine will work.
"My guillotine will work.
" I like her attitude.
She's our kind of people.
Well, you're in complete charge, Thudd.
Follow me.
Run along, children.
Have fun! Did you ever see happier expressions on children's faces? Thudd does have winning ways.
We refuse to remain under the same roof with her.
Right.
We're leaving.
But you haven't any money.
We have something better than money.
We have the old Addams ingenuity.
I can get a job as carhop.
Or, better still, an airline hostess.
And I can always go back to testing skateboards or I may take a whack at brain surgery.
Come, Mama, the world is waiting.
They may be naive and misguided but, by Jove, they're glorious.
You rang? Yes, Lurch, please put our luggage in the car.
Every now and then, there's a bear gets in here.
Mean devil.
Well, who knows? We may have an indoor hurricane.
Oh, Gomez, it's exactly as I remembered it.
Divine.
You're the first customers we've had here since you was here two years ago.
Gomez, darling.
Look! So, that's where you left it.
I'm coming to think there's something wrong with this place.
Maybe the location.
Nonsense.
The location is ideal.
Why, the vinegar works are over there, glue factory is right behind you.
Gomez, darling.
That thunder is like music to my ears.
Folks, we're trying a new policy.
Free Continental breakfast.
Obviously catering to the jet set.
Nope, we got to use up the eggs.
A flock of hens been nesting in number six.
Here's your key.
Oh, one other little thing.
Watch out for the badger trap under the bed.
What a divine touch.
Stick with me, Tish.
First class, all the way.
Morticia! You, a night, and a swamp.
Gomez, darling.
Why don't we get into something more comfortable? Capital suggestion! Fair warning, querida.
I'm coming out with that new cologne, Deadwood number five.
Gomez.
Gomez, come here, quick.
Quickly.
Quickly! Hurry! Hurry, Gomez! Oh, no, no, no, darling.
The suitcase.
Look.
Thudd's! Lurch obviously gave me this one by mistake.
Certainly looks that way.
Vitamins? This Thudd seems more like a dud.
Look at this.
Mother Goose, and Sugar plums.
Oatmeal cookies, lollypops An apple.
That women's a fraud.
Well, she can't be all bad.
Really? Reading Dr.
Spock? Oh, I thought it was Dr.
Spook.
Gomez, how could we have been taken in by a pretty face and a little charm.
- We must go back.
- Let's hope we're not too late.
- Lurch! - Lurch, open up.
Oh, dear.
Lurch, is everything all right? Wednesday? Pugsley? Children? Pugsley? Wednesday? Lurch, what happened? Oh, dear! Gomez.
Gomez, I'm afraid we're too late.
Better let me check first, my dear.
So The honeymooners are back.
Did you enjoy your hurricane? Fester, Mama.
What are you doing here? - Our duty.
- Unlike some people I know.
We couldn't leave the children in the hands of that fiend.
So, we swallowed our pride, came back and fired her.
I think she's on her way to join the Peace Corps.
Thank goodness! Well, since we are not needed here, I can just about make the swing shift at the skateboard factory.
I have to get back to the drive-in.
Uncle Fester, Mama, please stay.
We love you and the children need you.
Besides, the old place wouldn't be the same without you.
Well, I'll stay, but on one condition.
The sky's the limit.
I'm a grown man.
And a fine, intelligent one.
I can't be treated like a child.
No grown man should be treated like a child.
So, I want my dynamite back.
That's a deal.
Goody.
For a moment there, I thought he was gonna ask for something silly.
Something silly? Uncle Fester? Oh, it's such a comfort to know that the children are back in good hands.
- Cara.
- Darling.
- Good shot, Thing.
- Good shot, Thing.
It's wonderful having everybody back together again, isn't it? Yes, but I am a little sorry about missing hurricane Zsa Zsa.
Zsa Zsa! Everybody outside.
You and I can go up to the attic.
The attic? I know how sentimental you are about the Last Chance Motel.
I tore a big hole in the roof.
Darling