The Goldbergs s05e09 Episode Script
Parents Just Don't Understand
1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, before Will Smith was a planet-saving movie megastar, he was a home-grown Philly rap star known as The Fresh Prince.
Together with DJ Jazzy Jeff, they took the world by storm and made us all want to spit rhymes and scratch records.
[MUSIC PLAYS, NEEDLE SCRATCHING RECORD.]
No one loved it more than my brother, Barry.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, this is ruined.
[RECORD SHATTERS.]
[RAPPING.]
There's no need to argue Parents just don't understand I love how Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince are always super funny and rap about happy stuff.
And yet they still have edge.
I mean, these dudes are basically identical to us.
Really? I don't think the mean streets of West Philly are anything like the quiet cul-de-sacs of Jenkintown.
Dude, thing about it Fresh Prince raps about how he hates homework, loves video games, and how all parents just don't understand.
That does sound like us.
Shut up, shut up! Here comes the best part.
[RAPPING.]
Oh-kay, here's the situation BOTH: My parents went away on a week's vacation Dude! Stop singing my part! Clearly, if we were a hip-hop duo, you would be Jazzy Jeff and I'd be The Fresh Prince.
I don't want to be the Jazzy Jeff.
He just stands in the back and bops his head.
Everything falls apart without the bop.
Then you be him.
You bop.
I don't wanna to bop.
What if we both be The Fresh Prince? Wait, is that even allowed? Can there be two? [GASPS.]
Did we just become a rap duo whose future's so bright, we got to wear chains? That's for sure not the expression, but, yes, I think we did.
Which means we need Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince gear stat! Neon the color of the streets.
Ugh, too bright.
Here, try this on.
What's wrong? This shirt cost $20.
This shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar.
What are you doing? You'll ruin my rep.
You're only 16.
You don't have a rep yet.
Let's put these clothes back, please? No.
You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show.
Here, try on these double-knit, reversible slacks.
Oh, balls, no! She'll never understand! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was December 6th, 1980-something, and Erica was feeling the freedom of life at college.
- Well, sort of.
- Hey, Erica.
Don't you "Erica" me, Erica.
Your mom's left like 50 messages.
50? [SCOFFS.]
Please.
Don't be so dramatic.
MAN: You have 49 new messages.
- Told ya.
- [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
BEVERLY: Hey, Boopie! It's Mama! Haven't heard from you this morning.
- Call me! - [BEEP.]
[SINGSONG.]
Hey, it's me again.
Thought I'd check in on my only daughter and light of my life, who may be in great danger.
[BEEP.]
[STERNLY.]
Erica, please pick up the phone.
It's 2:20, and I'm starting to wonder if you've been attacked by a bear.
- Are there bears here? - No.
- [BEEP.]
- [SOBBING.]
It's 5:23, - and I need to know where you are! - [BEEP.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I've taken a few deep breaths, - and I'm good.
- [BEEP.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Now I'm hyperventilating.
- [BEEP.]
- [CHEERILY.]
Call me! - [BEEP.]
- [STERNLY.]
Call me! - [BEEP.]
- Dear, God! I literally spoke to that woman a few days ago.
Look, moms worry.
It's, like, what they do.
- Just pick up next time.
- No! If I talk to her once a day, then she'll want to talk once an hour and then once a minute.
- When will the madness end? - I don't think it ever will.
Your life's gonna be really bad.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Aghh! - [DIAL TONE.]
- Hello? Murray, she picked up for a split second and then hung up.
There's only one explanation.
She doesn't want to talk to you.
- Go to sleep.
- No.
She was obviously eating a hard candy, and it got lodged in her throat.
And when she grabbed the phone to call 911, she passed out! What kind of college has hard candies lying around? You don't know! There could be a lobby with a dish.
Are you watching that S.
O.
B.
Phil Donahue again? He did an exposé on choking hazards, Murray.
Did you know that hard candy kills more people than smoking? That gray-haired bastard.
All he does is make you worry.
When Erica lived here, she was fed and clothed and had easy BMs.
Now I don't know what's going on, and it's torture.
[SNORING.]
Are you sleeping? [SNORING CONTINUES.]
I'm up! - W-Who's locked out? - What?! You said, um, um, someone's locked out.
No, you fell asleep again! [SNORING.]
ADULT ADAM: While my mom was failing to reach Erica, my and my big bro were brainstorming ways - to reach rap superstardom.
- As you all know, Fresh Prince has what we in showbiz call "It.
" - Love him.
- So approachable.
My mom knows his aunt and hears good things.
The secret behind Fresh Prince's success is his rhymes are always about funny, universal topics.
Example Parents just don't understand.
Naked Rob, do your parents understand? No, they don't.
They said I should at least wear flip-flops outside.
Naked Rob don't do flip-flops.
Gah! I'm super fired up and angry, 'cause they refuse to understand.
Which means all we got to do is write a song that speaks to every kid our age, too.
Easy.
Let's do a song called "Grown Ups Just Don't Get It.
" That's kind of just another way of saying "Parents Just Don't Understand.
" Okay, what about "Parents Just Do Understand"? Yeah, but we flip it so it's "Parents Don't Understand.
" Oh, my God.
That's just the same song as theirs.
Fine! Then double flip it "Children Just Do Understand"! And what do we understand? That all parents don't understand.
- We did it! - No! We just keep circling back to the same thing.
Hey, moron, trying to eat an Eggo, and I can't hear myself chew.
But we're coming up with a multi-platinum rap single.
I do not care.
But we need to record a hit demo.
Don't care.
But there's a recording booth at the - Don't care.
- BOTH: But we Bup-bup.
I don't care.
- We're - Why don't you I literally do not care.
Go out and rap to the trees.
- Go! - BOTH: Fine! In that moment, our grumpy-ass dad became Barry's inspiration for our new hit single.
Wait! That's it.
We're not gonna do a song about parents.
All we need is one parent.
"Dads Just Don't Care.
" Ooh.
That's so true.
And brilliant, 'cause your dad really doesn't care, 'cause he's given up on life.
JTP, drop a beat.
Time for Fresh Prince to bust some sick rhymes.
And Jazzy Jeff to listen to only one headphone - for some reason.
- Let's get it.
[JTP BEATBOXING.]
And so we got to work on our rap masterpiece.
Meanwhile [TIRES SCREECH.]
Geoff Schwartz, get in! Erica's in grave danger! - Seriously?! - Not yet, but she could be.
We won't know until we call, and by "we" I mean "you.
" Oh, God, oh, God, what's happening?! - Just get in the damn car! - But my cello! - There's no time! - [HORN HONKS.]
- Let's move! - [SCREAMS.]
It was Geoff's worst nightmare Erica was far away and helpless and obviously in great danger - [TIRES SCREECH.]
- I'm so scared! until he realized she wasn't.
So, just to be clear, you want me to talk to Erica in front of you while you listen in? Don't forget this list of questions.
Make sure to read them word for word.
- Ooh, it's ringing.
- Wait.
This feels a smidge super dishonest, and I'm not sure if I'm comfort Hey! It's Geoff.
Uh, I don't know if you're screening, but give me a call back, and I'm here.
Sorry, just dodging my insane mother.
[SCOFFS.]
You get it.
No! No.
Totally disagree.
She's the coolest.
Um, okay.
So, what's going on? Not much, just here in my home, in in my house, where where I sit currently, on my bed, i-in my room.
Your room? I thought your parents took your phone away because of our long-distance bills.
I just got a new one.
It's yellow, and it's real.
And how are your booms? - What? - Your booms.
Are Are Are you going boom? Because a healthy girl goes boom.
Ew.
What the hell, dude? I'm sorry, does that mean that you're not going boom? J-Just answer the question.
I'm so sorry about this! Forget the booms.
Move on.
Let's talk toenails.
Are you clipping your toenails the right way? Because curved clippings make ingrowns.
- Oh, God, this is hard.
- [PHONE DIALING.]
Did someone else pick up? Nope.
Ignore that.
It's just me in my house alone.
- Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - [WHISPERING.]
Say something! - Hello? - Hello? - Barry? - Did I dial you? That's so weird.
I don't even know your number.
What? No.
Geoff dialed me.
- Geoff? - Yep! Uh Barry's here, too, hanging out with me in my house.
JTP! Can you guys get off my line? I'm trying to call the library to find out what things rhyme with "Father.
" "Bother"! Now get off the phone! - [PHONE DIALING.]
- Oh, God.
- Hello?! - Hello? - Hello? - Adam? Hi, Mrs.
Geary, is Jackie there? It's Erica, dorkus.
Why are you at Geoff's house, too? - Geoff's house? - Yeah, my house! Go do nerd stuff at your house, Adam! I'm panicking.
Keep cool and ask the questions.
Uh, how deep are you going with your Q-tips when you clean your ears? - Just tell me right now! - Pretty deep, bro.
- Not you! - Just stop, Geoff.
I know you're in my kitchen with my mom.
No! No.
I'm just, uh, here at the Schwartzes', having tea with Linda.
Yeah.
Our Our lines must've gotten crossed.
Mom, don't ever call me again! - Bye, Geoff.
- B-B-Bye, baby.
Well, Geoff, you really screwed the pooch on this.
You know, that cello actually belongs to the school.
Gentlemen of the JTP.
ALL: JTP.
Thank you for joining us for what will be the most important musical event of your lives.
Better than when we saw the greatest bands in the world play Live Aid? 1,000%.
- I literally stake Adam's life on it.
- Wait, what? [RAPPING.]
Now, here's a little story about our dad He calls us morons when he gets real mad He doesn't wear pants, and he sits in a chair You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care Oh-kay, here's the situation Our dad has a problem with flatulation He doesn't care about anything, for real I got an "A" on a test, and he said, "Big deal" He has no worries, he has no fears He hasn't seen a doctor in 15 years If we come to our dad and we need to cry He says, "You're ruining this episode of 'Magnum, P.
I.
' Can't you see I'm busy and don't wanna be bothered? Sometimes I ask God why he made me a father Now leave me alone and go upstairs" You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care If you don't know our dad, hey, don't worry Last name Goldberg, first name Murray Most dads play catch and throw around a ball But our dad doesn't care about his kids at all [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
M to the G berg! What a failure! Adam! Look! We blew them away! Dude, I got to be honest.
This song is very mean and hurtful.
Yeah.
I-I think what happened here is you two were egging each other on in a vacuum and lost all perspective.
But the good news is, you were smart enough to run it by us first.
That would have been smart, if we hadn't already given our dad a copy.
Yes.
That is what we did.
What the hell is this? D Hey, look who's watched - a copy of our latest work in progress! - [CHUCKLES.]
You guys think I'm a bad dad? Not you specifically.
The song's called "Dads Just Don't Care" all dads.
You say my first and last name.
You're literally shoving me into the garbage.
True, true.
We did do that.
Come on, it's just a goof.
We bust balls, we have fun.
You get it.
Ha.
I get it.
And you know what? Go [Bleep.]
yourself.
ALL: Whoa! You guys think I nap because I'm lazy? No.
I nap because I work my [Bleep.]
fingers to the bone so you little [Bleep.]
can have your dumb [Bleep.]
tennis shoes and your expensive [Bleep.]
cameras.
Uh I feel like we should go.
No, you little [Bleep.]
need to hear this.
That day, my dad did the one thing every parent wishes they could do.
He called his kids out for being spoiled and ungrateful, pulling no punches and speaking from the heart.
For my dad, it was a taste of glory.
And if you remember one thing from this conversation, let it be this Hee-haw-hmm! It seems Dad cares a tad more than we thought.
Yeah.
I kind of feel we should cut his name from the song.
Erica may have hung up on my mom forever, but little did she know, Beverly Goldberg always stays on the line.
Okay, we've got the party ball, the Solo cups, the black lights.
- Now we just need a theme.
- It's our first major rager, so we got to go, like, stupid big so the campus knows we mean business.
So, I was thinking "King Tuts and Egyptian Sluts.
" Delta Fi just did "King Tuts and Egyptian Butts.
" Wait, I got it.
"Girls Just Wanna Drink Rum.
" Oh, my God.
I have, like, the best Cyndi Lauper dress ever.
BEVERLY: Srini? I can't hear what she's saying? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Get me closer! Is someone, like, spying on us? Stay here and don't speak.
Srini? Why don't I hear voices? What's happening? This silence is killing me.
Hi! Sorry for the silence.
It's 'cause Erica started to, uh, sleep.
Sleep? It's only 8:00.
See? You worry for nothing, lady.
Anyway, I'm co-hosting a party, and I have to go.
Did she get you on her side by offering to let you co-host her party? Srini, what is she doing to me?! Damn it.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Murray, Erica's throwing a party.
And I'm spinning out.
We all got our stuff.
Donahue did a show about the horrors of college ragers.
Did you know that a keg can roll over a kid just like the boulder in "Indiana Jones"? - What should I do? - Don't ask me.
The boys just wrote a song about what a garbage dad I am.
Oh, please, stop overreacting.
Now, where are my keys? I got to drive to D.
C.
and save Erica before Donahue does a special on her.
ADULT ADAM: While my mom overreacted in a blind panic, Barry's eyes still hadn't been opened by Dad's angry rant.
What up, JTP? - Uh JTP.
- BOTH: JTP.
Okay, what's the deal? Your "JTPs" have been low-energy all week.
When your dad chewed you out with those R-rated Richard Pryor words, it, like, changed us.
Yeah.
I realized my old man's more than just a landscaper who punches holes in the wall when the Eagles lose.
He's a hero.
This morning, as my dad was leaving for his desk job at the bank I just hugged him so tight.
I got my dad flowers, and he was like, "What's wrong with you?!" And I was like, "I see you.
" And then he broke down crying in his car.
What is happening right now?! I'll tell you what's happening.
You have to apologize to your dad.
You guys are right.
Our only choice is to suck it up and do the mature thing write another rap.
You sure, Bar? Maybe we should just be a normal family this one time - and say "sorry"? - Never.
Think about it What better way to get us out of trouble than to do the exact same thing that got us into trouble? So we rap about the ways Dad doesn't totally suck? I'm on it, DJ.
Drop an apology beat, JTP.
We all really think you should just say "sorry.
" - Right now.
- Okay.
[JTP BEATBOXING.]
And so Barry whipped up a hot new verse.
Meanwhile, my sister's wild "Girls Just Wanna Drink Rum" party was out of control.
It was wall-to-wall Cyndi Laupers grinding on drunk frat boys dressed as her MTV music-video sidekick Captain Lou Albano.
I'm gonna live forever! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
- Whoo! [Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" plays.]
This party is out of control, Erica.
How many people did you invite? Who cares? Let's get gro-o-o-ss! Come on! Someone stole all of our CDs and punched a hole through our wall.
We got to shut this down.
As if.
Let's do things tonight we'll regret tomorrow! ALL: Girls just wanna drink rum! W-What did she say? "Girls wanna drink rum?" or "have fun"? What? Ew! Gross.
Stop it.
Ohh! Loose keg.
Donahue was right.
Mama's comin', baby.
Erica, you need to get down.
Oh, my God.
Listen to yourself.
You sound just like a mom.
Yep, Erica would hate to admit it, but she couldn't help but go into full Bev Mode.
Enough.
My neighbor's gardener's son fell off of a dresser, and now he spends his whole life with a comfort dog.
It's true.
He also does swim therapy and fist fights with his own shadow.
Hi, sweet face.
Mom, what the hell are you doing here?! Worrying! And it's a good thing I was, because this party is out of hand.
You have to stop calling and worrying all the time.
I just need to know that you are safe and snug and okay.
Everything is 100% fine.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Someone broke the dresser.
It was me.
As Erica finally broke through to our mom, me and Barry were ready to bust out our latest apology.
Hello, Father.
We see you're enjoying your nightly snack of Snyder's hard pretzels and milk.
However, we'd like a moment.
As you know, yesterday some things were said mostly by you in a mean, shouty way but we're here to make it better through the healing power of rap.
It's fine.
Just drop it.
"Drop a fresh beat," you mean.
DJ Ad, play our latest video for our hero M to the G.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[RAPPING.]
Oh-kay, here's the situation We may have made a few harsh accusations But our dad cares about us in many ways When we go out to eat, he's the guy who pays And he buys us clothes and books and more He'll even buy the stuff that we break in a store When it comes to spending big, our dad's no fool That's why he put us both in private school BOTH: Our dad pays for stuff! After those super-kind rhymes, our dad was sure to forgive us.
Mm, no.
- No?! - No?! The only nice thing you can say about me is that I pay for stuff? What am I, a bank? Banks are awesome.
They have unlimited money and lollipops.
I know what a bank is! All the tellers are named Debbie.
They can turn your dollar bills into coins.
Can we stop talking about banks? I'm good.
I don't care.
But you do care.
That's clear now.
Look, I had a dad who really didn't care about me, my brother, pretty much anything.
I just hated him for it.
When you guys were born, I promised myself I'd do anything not to turn into him.
And if this is how you see me, I guess I did.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
We had insulted our dad yet again, so Barry and I took one last shot at saying sorry.
Hello, Father.
We see you're enjoying your morning meal of Steak-umms and eggs.
However, we'd like a moment of your time.
No, damn it.
Move it along.
Don't worry, we're not busting any sweet rhymes this time.
We're just gonna speak from the heart.
That sounds worse.
Look, are you the perfect father? Not even close.
You're way too loud.
You're constantly aggravated.
You're super gassy.
You once fell asleep during a parent-teacher conference.
You once fell asleep at Thanksgiving dinner.
You fell asleep at a stoplight many times.
You've got a real problem with sleep, man.
Are you done with your apology? No.
You may be all those things, but you're also the most dependable dad any kid could ask for.
We know, at the end of every day, you're gonna be there in that chair, without pants on, making sure we have food and clothes and whatever stupid thing we want.
We know you're always gonna protect us from the world, from ourselves, from anything bad.
And no, you're not perfect, but you're our dad.
And we love you.
Let's just forget about this and move on.
My father yells "What you gonna do with your life?" - You okay? - Oh, Daddy dear Get out of here.
Or we could give you a big hug.
Do not hug me.
Don't.
What? But girls just wanna have fun - You guys are morons.
- We know.
Turns out, we didn't need some epic song to win our dad back.
As for our mom, she finally was able to see that perhaps she didn't need to worry so much.
Here, try Bevy's secret hangover recipe.
Why does it smell like fish? That's the shrimp.
It's the aspirin of the sea.
Drink up.
You're, like, the best mom ever.
In that moment, my sister realized she really was lucky to have a mom always waiting on the other side of the phone.
Well, I guess you were right to come up here and check in on what an idiot I am.
No.
You were the only one taking care of things around here.
I was so worried at the party last night.
And if that's even a fraction of what you feel for me then I'm sorry.
Look, all I want is to know that you're okay.
So how 'bout this? One call a night.
All you have to say is, "Mama, I'm good.
" That's it? Just three words? Honestly, that is all I need.
I think I can swing that.
Truth is, it's not the parents that don't understand.
It's us kids who don't get where our parents are coming from and how hard it can be.
Now that you know we love you, just admit it our video's awesome.
- It's all right.
- Hide her away In the end, the best way to be understood [PHONE RINGS.]
is just to let your family know you care, even if it's just a quick check-in.
Hello? Mama, I'm good.
Goodnight.
Night.
'Cause we can all sleep easy knowing there's someone out there who loves us no matter what time it is.
- [BEEP.]
- BEVERLY: Adam, it's Mom.
Give me a call.
- [BEEP.]
- Call me back.
- [BEEP.]
- I'm worried to death.
- [BEEP.]
- Call me immediately.
- [BEEP.]
- I haven't spoken to you all day.
- [BEEP.]
- I didn't sleep all last night.
- [BEEP.]
- If I don't hear from you soon, I'm getting on the next plane.
[BEEP.]
Remember me, the woman that gave birth to you? - [BEEP.]
- I love you.
It's your mom, and I'm looking at plane tickets now.
BARRY: It's finally here "The Goldbergs Mixtape," our first album, including classic hits like "Ferris Wheel.
" Ferris wheel, Ferris, Ferris wheel - ["LOVE NINJA" PLAYS.]
- Plus "Love Ninja," "Eternal Flame," "Barry is the Man," "Bad Boy, Good Guy," "Judah Macabee, Dinosaur Hunter," the awesome cover of "Tom Sawyer," "We're Playing D & D" by Kurtis Blow, and many other awesome songs that mock our super-lazy father.
So wake up and buy it now! [SNORTS.]
[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT.]
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
Together with DJ Jazzy Jeff, they took the world by storm and made us all want to spit rhymes and scratch records.
[MUSIC PLAYS, NEEDLE SCRATCHING RECORD.]
No one loved it more than my brother, Barry.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, this is ruined.
[RECORD SHATTERS.]
[RAPPING.]
There's no need to argue Parents just don't understand I love how Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince are always super funny and rap about happy stuff.
And yet they still have edge.
I mean, these dudes are basically identical to us.
Really? I don't think the mean streets of West Philly are anything like the quiet cul-de-sacs of Jenkintown.
Dude, thing about it Fresh Prince raps about how he hates homework, loves video games, and how all parents just don't understand.
That does sound like us.
Shut up, shut up! Here comes the best part.
[RAPPING.]
Oh-kay, here's the situation BOTH: My parents went away on a week's vacation Dude! Stop singing my part! Clearly, if we were a hip-hop duo, you would be Jazzy Jeff and I'd be The Fresh Prince.
I don't want to be the Jazzy Jeff.
He just stands in the back and bops his head.
Everything falls apart without the bop.
Then you be him.
You bop.
I don't wanna to bop.
What if we both be The Fresh Prince? Wait, is that even allowed? Can there be two? [GASPS.]
Did we just become a rap duo whose future's so bright, we got to wear chains? That's for sure not the expression, but, yes, I think we did.
Which means we need Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince gear stat! Neon the color of the streets.
Ugh, too bright.
Here, try this on.
What's wrong? This shirt cost $20.
This shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar.
What are you doing? You'll ruin my rep.
You're only 16.
You don't have a rep yet.
Let's put these clothes back, please? No.
You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show.
Here, try on these double-knit, reversible slacks.
Oh, balls, no! She'll never understand! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was December 6th, 1980-something, and Erica was feeling the freedom of life at college.
- Well, sort of.
- Hey, Erica.
Don't you "Erica" me, Erica.
Your mom's left like 50 messages.
50? [SCOFFS.]
Please.
Don't be so dramatic.
MAN: You have 49 new messages.
- Told ya.
- [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.]
BEVERLY: Hey, Boopie! It's Mama! Haven't heard from you this morning.
- Call me! - [BEEP.]
[SINGSONG.]
Hey, it's me again.
Thought I'd check in on my only daughter and light of my life, who may be in great danger.
[BEEP.]
[STERNLY.]
Erica, please pick up the phone.
It's 2:20, and I'm starting to wonder if you've been attacked by a bear.
- Are there bears here? - No.
- [BEEP.]
- [SOBBING.]
It's 5:23, - and I need to know where you are! - [BEEP.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I've taken a few deep breaths, - and I'm good.
- [BEEP.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Now I'm hyperventilating.
- [BEEP.]
- [CHEERILY.]
Call me! - [BEEP.]
- [STERNLY.]
Call me! - [BEEP.]
- Dear, God! I literally spoke to that woman a few days ago.
Look, moms worry.
It's, like, what they do.
- Just pick up next time.
- No! If I talk to her once a day, then she'll want to talk once an hour and then once a minute.
- When will the madness end? - I don't think it ever will.
Your life's gonna be really bad.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Aghh! - [DIAL TONE.]
- Hello? Murray, she picked up for a split second and then hung up.
There's only one explanation.
She doesn't want to talk to you.
- Go to sleep.
- No.
She was obviously eating a hard candy, and it got lodged in her throat.
And when she grabbed the phone to call 911, she passed out! What kind of college has hard candies lying around? You don't know! There could be a lobby with a dish.
Are you watching that S.
O.
B.
Phil Donahue again? He did an exposé on choking hazards, Murray.
Did you know that hard candy kills more people than smoking? That gray-haired bastard.
All he does is make you worry.
When Erica lived here, she was fed and clothed and had easy BMs.
Now I don't know what's going on, and it's torture.
[SNORING.]
Are you sleeping? [SNORING CONTINUES.]
I'm up! - W-Who's locked out? - What?! You said, um, um, someone's locked out.
No, you fell asleep again! [SNORING.]
ADULT ADAM: While my mom was failing to reach Erica, my and my big bro were brainstorming ways - to reach rap superstardom.
- As you all know, Fresh Prince has what we in showbiz call "It.
" - Love him.
- So approachable.
My mom knows his aunt and hears good things.
The secret behind Fresh Prince's success is his rhymes are always about funny, universal topics.
Example Parents just don't understand.
Naked Rob, do your parents understand? No, they don't.
They said I should at least wear flip-flops outside.
Naked Rob don't do flip-flops.
Gah! I'm super fired up and angry, 'cause they refuse to understand.
Which means all we got to do is write a song that speaks to every kid our age, too.
Easy.
Let's do a song called "Grown Ups Just Don't Get It.
" That's kind of just another way of saying "Parents Just Don't Understand.
" Okay, what about "Parents Just Do Understand"? Yeah, but we flip it so it's "Parents Don't Understand.
" Oh, my God.
That's just the same song as theirs.
Fine! Then double flip it "Children Just Do Understand"! And what do we understand? That all parents don't understand.
- We did it! - No! We just keep circling back to the same thing.
Hey, moron, trying to eat an Eggo, and I can't hear myself chew.
But we're coming up with a multi-platinum rap single.
I do not care.
But we need to record a hit demo.
Don't care.
But there's a recording booth at the - Don't care.
- BOTH: But we Bup-bup.
I don't care.
- We're - Why don't you I literally do not care.
Go out and rap to the trees.
- Go! - BOTH: Fine! In that moment, our grumpy-ass dad became Barry's inspiration for our new hit single.
Wait! That's it.
We're not gonna do a song about parents.
All we need is one parent.
"Dads Just Don't Care.
" Ooh.
That's so true.
And brilliant, 'cause your dad really doesn't care, 'cause he's given up on life.
JTP, drop a beat.
Time for Fresh Prince to bust some sick rhymes.
And Jazzy Jeff to listen to only one headphone - for some reason.
- Let's get it.
[JTP BEATBOXING.]
And so we got to work on our rap masterpiece.
Meanwhile [TIRES SCREECH.]
Geoff Schwartz, get in! Erica's in grave danger! - Seriously?! - Not yet, but she could be.
We won't know until we call, and by "we" I mean "you.
" Oh, God, oh, God, what's happening?! - Just get in the damn car! - But my cello! - There's no time! - [HORN HONKS.]
- Let's move! - [SCREAMS.]
It was Geoff's worst nightmare Erica was far away and helpless and obviously in great danger - [TIRES SCREECH.]
- I'm so scared! until he realized she wasn't.
So, just to be clear, you want me to talk to Erica in front of you while you listen in? Don't forget this list of questions.
Make sure to read them word for word.
- Ooh, it's ringing.
- Wait.
This feels a smidge super dishonest, and I'm not sure if I'm comfort Hey! It's Geoff.
Uh, I don't know if you're screening, but give me a call back, and I'm here.
Sorry, just dodging my insane mother.
[SCOFFS.]
You get it.
No! No.
Totally disagree.
She's the coolest.
Um, okay.
So, what's going on? Not much, just here in my home, in in my house, where where I sit currently, on my bed, i-in my room.
Your room? I thought your parents took your phone away because of our long-distance bills.
I just got a new one.
It's yellow, and it's real.
And how are your booms? - What? - Your booms.
Are Are Are you going boom? Because a healthy girl goes boom.
Ew.
What the hell, dude? I'm sorry, does that mean that you're not going boom? J-Just answer the question.
I'm so sorry about this! Forget the booms.
Move on.
Let's talk toenails.
Are you clipping your toenails the right way? Because curved clippings make ingrowns.
- Oh, God, this is hard.
- [PHONE DIALING.]
Did someone else pick up? Nope.
Ignore that.
It's just me in my house alone.
- Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - [WHISPERING.]
Say something! - Hello? - Hello? - Barry? - Did I dial you? That's so weird.
I don't even know your number.
What? No.
Geoff dialed me.
- Geoff? - Yep! Uh Barry's here, too, hanging out with me in my house.
JTP! Can you guys get off my line? I'm trying to call the library to find out what things rhyme with "Father.
" "Bother"! Now get off the phone! - [PHONE DIALING.]
- Oh, God.
- Hello?! - Hello? - Hello? - Adam? Hi, Mrs.
Geary, is Jackie there? It's Erica, dorkus.
Why are you at Geoff's house, too? - Geoff's house? - Yeah, my house! Go do nerd stuff at your house, Adam! I'm panicking.
Keep cool and ask the questions.
Uh, how deep are you going with your Q-tips when you clean your ears? - Just tell me right now! - Pretty deep, bro.
- Not you! - Just stop, Geoff.
I know you're in my kitchen with my mom.
No! No.
I'm just, uh, here at the Schwartzes', having tea with Linda.
Yeah.
Our Our lines must've gotten crossed.
Mom, don't ever call me again! - Bye, Geoff.
- B-B-Bye, baby.
Well, Geoff, you really screwed the pooch on this.
You know, that cello actually belongs to the school.
Gentlemen of the JTP.
ALL: JTP.
Thank you for joining us for what will be the most important musical event of your lives.
Better than when we saw the greatest bands in the world play Live Aid? 1,000%.
- I literally stake Adam's life on it.
- Wait, what? [RAPPING.]
Now, here's a little story about our dad He calls us morons when he gets real mad He doesn't wear pants, and he sits in a chair You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care Oh-kay, here's the situation Our dad has a problem with flatulation He doesn't care about anything, for real I got an "A" on a test, and he said, "Big deal" He has no worries, he has no fears He hasn't seen a doctor in 15 years If we come to our dad and we need to cry He says, "You're ruining this episode of 'Magnum, P.
I.
' Can't you see I'm busy and don't wanna be bothered? Sometimes I ask God why he made me a father Now leave me alone and go upstairs" You know what I'm sayin'? Dads just don't care If you don't know our dad, hey, don't worry Last name Goldberg, first name Murray Most dads play catch and throw around a ball But our dad doesn't care about his kids at all [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
M to the G berg! What a failure! Adam! Look! We blew them away! Dude, I got to be honest.
This song is very mean and hurtful.
Yeah.
I-I think what happened here is you two were egging each other on in a vacuum and lost all perspective.
But the good news is, you were smart enough to run it by us first.
That would have been smart, if we hadn't already given our dad a copy.
Yes.
That is what we did.
What the hell is this? D Hey, look who's watched - a copy of our latest work in progress! - [CHUCKLES.]
You guys think I'm a bad dad? Not you specifically.
The song's called "Dads Just Don't Care" all dads.
You say my first and last name.
You're literally shoving me into the garbage.
True, true.
We did do that.
Come on, it's just a goof.
We bust balls, we have fun.
You get it.
Ha.
I get it.
And you know what? Go [Bleep.]
yourself.
ALL: Whoa! You guys think I nap because I'm lazy? No.
I nap because I work my [Bleep.]
fingers to the bone so you little [Bleep.]
can have your dumb [Bleep.]
tennis shoes and your expensive [Bleep.]
cameras.
Uh I feel like we should go.
No, you little [Bleep.]
need to hear this.
That day, my dad did the one thing every parent wishes they could do.
He called his kids out for being spoiled and ungrateful, pulling no punches and speaking from the heart.
For my dad, it was a taste of glory.
And if you remember one thing from this conversation, let it be this Hee-haw-hmm! It seems Dad cares a tad more than we thought.
Yeah.
I kind of feel we should cut his name from the song.
Erica may have hung up on my mom forever, but little did she know, Beverly Goldberg always stays on the line.
Okay, we've got the party ball, the Solo cups, the black lights.
- Now we just need a theme.
- It's our first major rager, so we got to go, like, stupid big so the campus knows we mean business.
So, I was thinking "King Tuts and Egyptian Sluts.
" Delta Fi just did "King Tuts and Egyptian Butts.
" Wait, I got it.
"Girls Just Wanna Drink Rum.
" Oh, my God.
I have, like, the best Cyndi Lauper dress ever.
BEVERLY: Srini? I can't hear what she's saying? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Get me closer! Is someone, like, spying on us? Stay here and don't speak.
Srini? Why don't I hear voices? What's happening? This silence is killing me.
Hi! Sorry for the silence.
It's 'cause Erica started to, uh, sleep.
Sleep? It's only 8:00.
See? You worry for nothing, lady.
Anyway, I'm co-hosting a party, and I have to go.
Did she get you on her side by offering to let you co-host her party? Srini, what is she doing to me?! Damn it.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Murray, Erica's throwing a party.
And I'm spinning out.
We all got our stuff.
Donahue did a show about the horrors of college ragers.
Did you know that a keg can roll over a kid just like the boulder in "Indiana Jones"? - What should I do? - Don't ask me.
The boys just wrote a song about what a garbage dad I am.
Oh, please, stop overreacting.
Now, where are my keys? I got to drive to D.
C.
and save Erica before Donahue does a special on her.
ADULT ADAM: While my mom overreacted in a blind panic, Barry's eyes still hadn't been opened by Dad's angry rant.
What up, JTP? - Uh JTP.
- BOTH: JTP.
Okay, what's the deal? Your "JTPs" have been low-energy all week.
When your dad chewed you out with those R-rated Richard Pryor words, it, like, changed us.
Yeah.
I realized my old man's more than just a landscaper who punches holes in the wall when the Eagles lose.
He's a hero.
This morning, as my dad was leaving for his desk job at the bank I just hugged him so tight.
I got my dad flowers, and he was like, "What's wrong with you?!" And I was like, "I see you.
" And then he broke down crying in his car.
What is happening right now?! I'll tell you what's happening.
You have to apologize to your dad.
You guys are right.
Our only choice is to suck it up and do the mature thing write another rap.
You sure, Bar? Maybe we should just be a normal family this one time - and say "sorry"? - Never.
Think about it What better way to get us out of trouble than to do the exact same thing that got us into trouble? So we rap about the ways Dad doesn't totally suck? I'm on it, DJ.
Drop an apology beat, JTP.
We all really think you should just say "sorry.
" - Right now.
- Okay.
[JTP BEATBOXING.]
And so Barry whipped up a hot new verse.
Meanwhile, my sister's wild "Girls Just Wanna Drink Rum" party was out of control.
It was wall-to-wall Cyndi Laupers grinding on drunk frat boys dressed as her MTV music-video sidekick Captain Lou Albano.
I'm gonna live forever! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
- Whoo! [Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" plays.]
This party is out of control, Erica.
How many people did you invite? Who cares? Let's get gro-o-o-ss! Come on! Someone stole all of our CDs and punched a hole through our wall.
We got to shut this down.
As if.
Let's do things tonight we'll regret tomorrow! ALL: Girls just wanna drink rum! W-What did she say? "Girls wanna drink rum?" or "have fun"? What? Ew! Gross.
Stop it.
Ohh! Loose keg.
Donahue was right.
Mama's comin', baby.
Erica, you need to get down.
Oh, my God.
Listen to yourself.
You sound just like a mom.
Yep, Erica would hate to admit it, but she couldn't help but go into full Bev Mode.
Enough.
My neighbor's gardener's son fell off of a dresser, and now he spends his whole life with a comfort dog.
It's true.
He also does swim therapy and fist fights with his own shadow.
Hi, sweet face.
Mom, what the hell are you doing here?! Worrying! And it's a good thing I was, because this party is out of hand.
You have to stop calling and worrying all the time.
I just need to know that you are safe and snug and okay.
Everything is 100% fine.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Someone broke the dresser.
It was me.
As Erica finally broke through to our mom, me and Barry were ready to bust out our latest apology.
Hello, Father.
We see you're enjoying your nightly snack of Snyder's hard pretzels and milk.
However, we'd like a moment.
As you know, yesterday some things were said mostly by you in a mean, shouty way but we're here to make it better through the healing power of rap.
It's fine.
Just drop it.
"Drop a fresh beat," you mean.
DJ Ad, play our latest video for our hero M to the G.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[RAPPING.]
Oh-kay, here's the situation We may have made a few harsh accusations But our dad cares about us in many ways When we go out to eat, he's the guy who pays And he buys us clothes and books and more He'll even buy the stuff that we break in a store When it comes to spending big, our dad's no fool That's why he put us both in private school BOTH: Our dad pays for stuff! After those super-kind rhymes, our dad was sure to forgive us.
Mm, no.
- No?! - No?! The only nice thing you can say about me is that I pay for stuff? What am I, a bank? Banks are awesome.
They have unlimited money and lollipops.
I know what a bank is! All the tellers are named Debbie.
They can turn your dollar bills into coins.
Can we stop talking about banks? I'm good.
I don't care.
But you do care.
That's clear now.
Look, I had a dad who really didn't care about me, my brother, pretty much anything.
I just hated him for it.
When you guys were born, I promised myself I'd do anything not to turn into him.
And if this is how you see me, I guess I did.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
We had insulted our dad yet again, so Barry and I took one last shot at saying sorry.
Hello, Father.
We see you're enjoying your morning meal of Steak-umms and eggs.
However, we'd like a moment of your time.
No, damn it.
Move it along.
Don't worry, we're not busting any sweet rhymes this time.
We're just gonna speak from the heart.
That sounds worse.
Look, are you the perfect father? Not even close.
You're way too loud.
You're constantly aggravated.
You're super gassy.
You once fell asleep during a parent-teacher conference.
You once fell asleep at Thanksgiving dinner.
You fell asleep at a stoplight many times.
You've got a real problem with sleep, man.
Are you done with your apology? No.
You may be all those things, but you're also the most dependable dad any kid could ask for.
We know, at the end of every day, you're gonna be there in that chair, without pants on, making sure we have food and clothes and whatever stupid thing we want.
We know you're always gonna protect us from the world, from ourselves, from anything bad.
And no, you're not perfect, but you're our dad.
And we love you.
Let's just forget about this and move on.
My father yells "What you gonna do with your life?" - You okay? - Oh, Daddy dear Get out of here.
Or we could give you a big hug.
Do not hug me.
Don't.
What? But girls just wanna have fun - You guys are morons.
- We know.
Turns out, we didn't need some epic song to win our dad back.
As for our mom, she finally was able to see that perhaps she didn't need to worry so much.
Here, try Bevy's secret hangover recipe.
Why does it smell like fish? That's the shrimp.
It's the aspirin of the sea.
Drink up.
You're, like, the best mom ever.
In that moment, my sister realized she really was lucky to have a mom always waiting on the other side of the phone.
Well, I guess you were right to come up here and check in on what an idiot I am.
No.
You were the only one taking care of things around here.
I was so worried at the party last night.
And if that's even a fraction of what you feel for me then I'm sorry.
Look, all I want is to know that you're okay.
So how 'bout this? One call a night.
All you have to say is, "Mama, I'm good.
" That's it? Just three words? Honestly, that is all I need.
I think I can swing that.
Truth is, it's not the parents that don't understand.
It's us kids who don't get where our parents are coming from and how hard it can be.
Now that you know we love you, just admit it our video's awesome.
- It's all right.
- Hide her away In the end, the best way to be understood [PHONE RINGS.]
is just to let your family know you care, even if it's just a quick check-in.
Hello? Mama, I'm good.
Goodnight.
Night.
'Cause we can all sleep easy knowing there's someone out there who loves us no matter what time it is.
- [BEEP.]
- BEVERLY: Adam, it's Mom.
Give me a call.
- [BEEP.]
- Call me back.
- [BEEP.]
- I'm worried to death.
- [BEEP.]
- Call me immediately.
- [BEEP.]
- I haven't spoken to you all day.
- [BEEP.]
- I didn't sleep all last night.
- [BEEP.]
- If I don't hear from you soon, I'm getting on the next plane.
[BEEP.]
Remember me, the woman that gave birth to you? - [BEEP.]
- I love you.
It's your mom, and I'm looking at plane tickets now.
BARRY: It's finally here "The Goldbergs Mixtape," our first album, including classic hits like "Ferris Wheel.
" Ferris wheel, Ferris, Ferris wheel - ["LOVE NINJA" PLAYS.]
- Plus "Love Ninja," "Eternal Flame," "Barry is the Man," "Bad Boy, Good Guy," "Judah Macabee, Dinosaur Hunter," the awesome cover of "Tom Sawyer," "We're Playing D & D" by Kurtis Blow, and many other awesome songs that mock our super-lazy father.
So wake up and buy it now! [SNORTS.]
[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT.]
Ah.
[SIGHS.]