The Grand Tour (2016) s02e11 Episode Script
Feed the World
1 Welcome.
Now, a couple of months ago, we were sitting around, wondering what we should do for this, the last programme in the series.
Yeah.
I said we should build a car that's also an aircraft carrier.
Yeah, I wanted to fire a car into space.
But then we decided that what we should actually do, because neither of those things were ambitious enough, was end world hunger.
Yeah.
It's a big job.
Yeah, it's not the sort of thing that we could achieve in 20 minutes with a couple of guests and a bit of idle chit-chat in-between.
No.
We were going to need the whole show.
So settle back now as we take The Grand Tour on a mini special to the poverty-stricken but beautiful country of Mozambique.
This is the village of Bingo in the west of the country.
The people here are not starving, but they are very poor.
Jesus here has to exist on a diet of miserable gruel, which is fine for silly rich women in London and New York.
But food like this makes the average red-blooded African man very sad.
And that's odd, because just 200 miles away things are very different.
This is Mozambique's capital city, Maputo.
And the people here are well-nourished and happy because they live by the ocean which is full of fish.
And that got us wondering.
How hard can it be to get the fish from here to that village we were looking at earlier? Yeah.
Now, this isn't a very wealthy country.
- In fact, it's a poor country.
- Desperately poor.
Desperately poor.
So they don't have refrigerated trucks, all that kind of stuff.
No, but we're talking about 200 miles.
That's London to Leeds, isn't it? It's nothing to get this there.
I'm telling you, when we get this sorted out, when we move these fish to Bingo, there'll be Nobel Prizes in it for us.
- And I'd be Boutros Boutros-May.
- Yes.
And I'd be Ban Ki-Hammond.
- What? Oh, Ban Ki.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go for a knighthood - Do it.
Why not? - beat David Beckham to it.
- That'd go down well.
Unfortunately, having agreed that we would end world hunger by moving fish across Mozambique, we couldn't agree on how this might be achieved.
So we ended up with different solutions.
This is what I came up with - a 1984 Mercedes wagon, a car famous throughout Africa for its rugged dependability.
However, I have modified it extensively.
In the back, filling up all of the back, is a Perspex tank.
What I'm going to do is fill that with sea water and then put the fishes in there and they will stay alive as I make my way inland.
Now, you can't get fish fresher than fishes that are still swimming around in the sea.
I have been clever.
Very clever.
Not as clever as me.
Because for the first time in my entire life, I've made a sensible decision.
I've gone for this.
It's a pick-up truck that Nissan named after me.
It's called the Hardbody.
It's got tons of space in the back for cod and bream and sticklebacks.
And it has four-wheel drive, which I reckon is going to be essential, because - and James hasn't realised this - it's the rainy season in Mozambique, so I reckon the roads are gonna be hell.
Hammond, meanwhile, hadn't been clever at all.
What do you think of that? - Well, I think it's a motorcycle.
- Yes, it is.
Specifically, it's a TVS Star HLX E5 and I've just bought this brand new from a supermarket for 800 quid.
Brand spankers.
Hammond, this is not a quality item.
It's built down to a budget, isn't it? You can feel that.
Is it a 1,000cc? - No, 100.
- What? - 100cc.
- How many cylinders? Four? - One.
- One? - That one.
- So how much horsepower has it got? - Seven.
Seven.
- Seven? But it's light, it's agile.
These things are actually built in India specifically to be used in Africa.
They are! They're built in India specifically for use in Africa It's too poor to be used in India.
I can see why the Indians don't want it.
It's rugged, it's tough, it can go off-road if we need to.
- It can do anything.
- But what it can't do, Hammond, is transport a large amount of fish.
Exactly what I was thinking.
If I wanted a pizza delivery, this is the sort of thing I've thought about this.
Let me explain my idea.
This is my genius.
What they do here is dry the fish in the wind cos it lasts longer.
- Is that fish? - That's fish, drying in the wind.
- It looks like cats.
- No, it's fish! I'm gonna build a rack like that, fit it to the back, and then I'll dry the fish as I go along.
It's brilliant! That is literally the stupidest idea I've ever heard of.
What are you gonna do, sling your fish in your pick-up and watch them rot? Ah! No.
Actually, I have a plan on that.
But I do need your help.
Jeremy's plan was to break into a hotel in the dead of night and do a burglary.
You're not gonna You're gonna have to tilt it! You're gonna have to tilt it! Ow! Ow! Right, back! There! - Why is it so heavy? - Ssh! There's a lot of gubbins in it.
The next morning, we all met up on the beach and I set about fitting the hotel's ice machine to my Hardbody.
Right, so I need a bucket of water above the height of the stolen ice machine from which the Solenoid ice machine can get the supply that it can convert into ice.
Oh, yeah.
Generator in place.
Water tank in place.
Meanwhile, Hammond was building his fish rack and May was filling his Macquarium with sea water.
How much is your car going to weigh when it's full? An extra 700.
- Tons? - No, kilograms.
- So it's at 0.
7 of a ton - Yeah, extra.
- Extra.
And he's parked it - On sand.
Wet sand.
- Wet sand.
- But the fish aren't heavy.
Tyre.
Look at the tyre.
The tide is definitely coming in.
With the Indian Ocean nibbling at his back end, James's tank was eventually full.
I need to get this going as quick as possible.
You lot out of the way! He's not gonna do it.
Bollocks! I need a tow! Tow! Try! It won't do it.
It's only got 104 horsepower.
Get the truck! Get your four-by-four, please, and tow me the first 20 yards.
That's what you've got it for! Get it in front! He's really shouting at me.
I don't respond well to shouting.
I like calmness.
- Can you help? - Yep.
- What's the matter? - I want a tow! You've got a four-by-four.
Put it there.
Just tow me a bit.
I helped you nick the ice-making machine.
Do something in return.
You're still not doing it! I am.
This is me saving James May.
It's not ideal, but Jeremy, he's ready! Keep going! What is that noise? That's my gearbox.
No, no! Stop! Oh, you pillock! Hammond, there's a really bad noise I dropped him right where the sewage is.
- OK.
- There's a terrible noise.
coming from the bottom of my gear lever when it's underload, pulling him.
- What is that? - That clicking metallic - Could you hear it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dunno.
Honestly don't know.
Thank you.
But you were supposed to do it gently.
- That's what I was shouting.
- My car is broken.
- Well - Mine's not, fortunately.
- How did that happen? - You did it.
You might have holed his radiator.
We haven't had a look yet.
- When I said "Stop", you accelerated.
- Yeah, that did happen.
The noise of my disintegrating gearbox was drowning you out.
I didn't know your gearbox was disintegrating.
- It is now.
- Radiator and fan are OK.
I knew they were.
I judged it to perfection.
Course you did.
Once we'd replaced the water James was now wearing, we were ready to go and catch some fish, using local methods that we didn't really understand.
So far as we could tell, we had to put James in the sea with one end of the rope, and then Hammond and I had to row about, dropping off a net as we went.
And pull! Arg! Jesus Christ! There's been an accident! Row the boat, you idle sods! Hold on, James, we'll be This is how they do it here.
No, that's the wrong way.
Gotta go the other way.
Oh, shit, I'm on the wrong side! Turn it.
Oh (BLEEP) hell! As Hammond and I were struggling to get into a rhythm Hang on, hang on.
The oar's come out.
and, as it turned out, the Indian Ocean wasn't that deep Where has all the sea gone? we decided to push the boat instead.
Any minute now we're going to start fishing.
I think this might actually be working.
If they can just get themselves back to here, we've got two ends of a net, pull it in full of fish.
Arg! Shit! I've caught myself in the net! Oh, shit! After this calamity - Hammond, get it! - I can't get it! we decided that we'd be better off in the boat after all.
And soon we'd worked our way back to James.
- God! - Come on! We're coming.
Right, anchor.
Right.
Dropping anchor.
What we do is, we pull it in, and then, as the net comes towards us it fills up with fish.
So is that the other end of it? This is my end, the beginning end.
- Where's the other end? - At the back of your boat.
This is the other end, isn't it? Hold on.
No, wait.
This is the other end.
But that's also the other end.
This is the other end! Once we'd established that somehow our rope had three ends, we began hauling in the net.
Behold the sparkling treasure of the seas! What we've achieved - not only solving world hunger but mastering fishing in a single day.
Have you ever seen Bono do this? - Angelina Jolie? - No.
Both of them well respected for their charitable work.
I haven't seen them in the sea hauling nets.
Or David Beckham.
Eventually our catch was on board.
We've got eight plus one that got out in the boat.
And, to make matters worse There's a big squall coming.
Yep, I can see it.
That'll be it.
Urgh! It's getting quite hairy out here now.
We're all on board.
You can't row in this.
If we lift up the anchor, the wind will blow us onto the shore.
That's good.
Or we might just miss it and end up in Madagascar.
Or Somalia.
- Yeah.
- What's Madagascar like? - Better than Somalia.
- Yeah.
Faced with the prospect of being kidnapped by pirates we bravely decided to abandon the boat we'd borrowed and the fish we'd caught, and hitch a ride back to the harbour with the film crew.
Oh, bollocks! The next day, though, things started to look up.
We went off fishing this morning, before the camera crews were up, and we've had a much more successful morning, much more.
This is the result.
I caught the dorado by hand, in fact.
That was quite a wrestling match.
I remember watching that.
I was hauling these in at the time, all of them.
Anyway, we've got a lot of fish that we caught ourselves, without the crew, early this morning.
And now it was time to load them into our fish transportation vehicles.
That is an octopus, look.
You can see its face, the surprise from when James wrestled it.
Look at that.
With a cheese sauce, got a thermidor going on right there.
They will be kept succulent and fresh for the journey to Bingo.
Right, come on, matey.
In the big tank.
You'll like it with your mates.
Hey, hey, hey! Look at that! Sorry, mate.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, he's sandy.
Oh, bollocks.
I'll rinse him off.
There you go.
He's OK.
So it goes in its mouth and out of its anus? No.
It'll go in its mouth and then I imagine out of its gill.
No, it needs to go through its anus, then it goes through its whole body.
It goes through the gill, not threaded all the way through the fish! - If I were to dry you - Can somebody come and open the lid? - No, I'm busy with him.
- Open the lid! Oh, yeah.
- Admire.
- Now what do you do? Hang it on here.
Eventually the loading and the hanging were complete and we were ready.
OK, it's time now Nobody's ever said this on a car show before.
to save the world.
There you go.
Right, forward into saving the world.
This is it.
Oh, my God! Oh.
Oh.
Stupid What the hell is? Oh, Lord above! What manner of thing is happening here? Still, could be worse.
Oh, it's steering me, I'm not steering it.
It is steering me! Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great It is with great pride and humility that I accept this award for Urgh! Ah, Tarmac! That's better! Our mercy mission would take us through the city of Maputo and then 200 miles north, to the tiny village of Bingo.
The great thing about this particular vehicle is that it has a 3.
2-litre four-cylinder diesel engine.
That's a great deal of power, it'll get me there quickly.
This is what Angelina and Bob Geldof and Bono don't realise.
It's all very well singing songs and adopting children.
What you actually need is a big, powerful engine, and that's what I've got in my Hardbody.
Everybody I pass, you can see the light dawning in their eyes.
"Why didn't we think of that?" Every morning in future there'll be a fleet of fishing boats coming in to shore here and a fleet of these bikes waiting to collect the fish and transport it inland, And it's what, 200 miles? I reckon on a bike, a good rider could get in two or even three fish trips a day.
See, it's brilliant, isn't it? Yeah.
It's a brilliant idea! You're gonna want to do it! It's a great business! Yeah, you see! This is like Lions' Den, Dragons' Den, whatever.
The Den.
That show with Alan Sugar on.
He means Donald Trump.
Temperatures and pressures are OK.
Tank is full of water.
Quick look at my fish.
Yes, there's one.
He's looking pretty happy.
Why wouldn't he be? He's in the sea.
He doesn't know he's in a car.
Fish are not, you know They don't have a big intellect.
Overtaking the Leaning Bus of Pisa! So here we are.
We've done 40 miles already.
We're on a velvet-smooth, almost Austrian road, heading towards Bingo.
We should be there in a couple of hours.
Easiest thing I've ever done.
Easiest.
In fact, since things were going so smoothly, I decided to amuse myself.
Ready, steady and brake-testing James May.
Git! You're not helping with the transport of my fish.
This is supposed to be a group effort.
Don't be such a petulant child.
Oh, someone's fallen over in the road.
Nothing I can do.
A few miles further on, though, the smooth Tarmac ran out.
And because Hammond had rejected my anus suggestion and used gills instead, it caused him some problems.
Hammond, you just lost 90% of your fish.
Oh, no, did I? Oh, he's lost another one! I've just run over a fish.
Should I worry? Oh, mate, you're gonna be running over more than one.
Hammond is losing them at a rate of knots.
Two more just went there, Hammond.
Oh, God! And another one.
He's gonna have And another one.
no fish at all.
And another.
This fish delivery was supposed to be targeted.
What you're doing is carpet-bombing Mozambique with bream.
It's the principle I'm proving.
I'm not trying to feed them all.
I'm trying to show them how to feed themselves.
What a blithering idiot.
The inside of the windscreen's filthy because of dollops of sea water hitting it.
I'm delighted to say it's now spitting with rain, which of course is filling up my water bucket.
That's the sort of recycling that will leave Prince Charles breathless.
When I go for my knighthood, he'll probably bring it up, I should imagine.
What gave you the idea of recycling? I think this is so inventive, it really is.
- Urgh! - Sorry.
- No point drying them if you're gonna soak them! - Sorry.
Argh! Sorry, Hammond.
Did some of that go on you? What's the point of me drying fish if you then get them wet in a puddle? It was still another 150 miles to Bingo.
But we were confident that even on these roads, we'd get there by nightfall.
Soon, though, the going started to get much worse.
Not so good.
Steady, steady.
Shit! That's a massive rut.
Oh, no! Argh! Come on! Hammond cannot possibly make this.
Oh, no! Not again! It's getting quite struggly now for him.
But actually it was the ruggedly dependable Mercedes that was the first to crack.
That was going well.
What's the matter, May? It cut out when I went through the puddle.
Getting water on something or in something.
I'm trying to work out what I can do about that.
Nothing.
However, because we were all working as a team, we had to wait until his engine dried out.
Right, let's go.
Sadly, though, this wasn't a one-off.
Hang on a minute.
It's killed it.
Give it a minute, it'll go.
Bugger! What's the news? Is your car working or not? I've got to wait for a minute and a half.
Why did you have to break down there, you clodhoppy old imbecile? There's nothing I can do.
Sorry, I have to wait for a minute and a half.
How have I put up with him for so long? The slow progress of the Mercedes was now causing me problems, because the skies were dry and my water bucket was nearly empty.
He keeps breaking down in front of me and then going, "It's a minute and a half.
You have to wait.
" And it isn't a minute and a half, it's about 15 minutes.
I must get ice.
We can't afford to wait for him bumbling around.
No, you do need more ice.
You need more water.
I know we said we'd work as a team and we are working as a team.
And the teamwork is, leaving him behind.
Yeah, as a team.
With that decision made, we set off.
Come on, little bike.
Keep going, baby.
Keep going.
Mostly the progress was good.
Sorry.
That was not on purpose.
Let's find out what lies in here for you.
Come on! Oh, deary me.
I think you've drowned your hog.
Hammond insisted I get out and help.
But it was all muddy, so I came up with a better idea.
Urgh It's working! This is impressive delicacy from Clarkson here.
I'm staggered.
How gentle was that? You were extraordinarily gentle.
You know that'll never work again? - It will.
- It was £800 from a supermarket.
The handlebars have come off.
You're blowing water out of your exhaust pipe.
No way! Oh, come on! Why did Ewan McGregor use a BMW GS? I don't know.
They're very expensive and He wasted his money.
I'm staggered! Meanwhile, much further back, the soggy dog was not being so lucky.
One and a half minutes.
As the afternoon wore on, the roads became even worse Come on! and the human terrapin was really starting to slow me down.
Right, my bucket is now officially dry.
I have got to get to a source of fresh, clean water before that ice melts.
Come on! Holy shit, I am now in the sea! Hammond, we've got to get to the next town.
Can we stop messing about? - I'm not messing about.
- You are.
I'm not messing about! There are no words! It's come out of gear.
Come on.
Come on, Hammond, we're running out of ice.
Ooh, bollocks! Oh, that's a tragic spectacle, it really is.
This is I don't even like fish! Eventually I had no choice but to abandon my remaining colleague.
I don't even know how far away the next town is.
But I have got to get there before the last of the ice melts.
I've got to get some water, and it's going dark.
Anyone can sing Feed The World.
It's actually quite difficult, though, as it's turning out, to do it, especially if you have a motorcycle or a Mercedes that you've converted into an aquarium.
Come on, keep going.
Keep going, German.
That's marvellous.
Bugger! Bollocks and arse! However, after total darkness fell solid teamwork meant I was in good shape.
Right, on the upside, I found a town, well, some kind of settlement, where I've got water and I've got ice, so the fish are fine.
On the downside, we've just found out I'm not even halfway to Bingo.
It's the middle of the night and Hammond and May are hours, three, four hours, behind me.
So do I wait for them? Oh, dear.
Right.
Calm.
Bollocks! Amazingly, the morning revealed that Jeremy had waited for us, so our convoy was reunited.
But before we could set off, I had to repair my bike and James had to refill his depleted water tank.
So, water is just - No, don't do - Oh, God.
I don't particularly want to see you, just to be absolutely clear.
- Why? - Well, I got here at 4am, wet, with consumption, smelling like a damp dog.
Tried to sleep in the car, and what did I hear? - No idea.
- Snoring.
Your car snoring.
That bloody generator is like someone snoring, but without the pauses in the breaths.
The generator is necessary to keep my fish fresh.
- Where's your water gone? - On my head.
Anyway, we've got to make more water.
This is water.
I was just about to explain that that is normal water which we're all familiar with.
You drink it.
Sea water is salty.
We all know that as well.
- I know, I brought you some salt.
- It's not that sort of salt.
- It's salt.
- That's table salt.
Exactly.
Sea salt has extra minerals in.
That doesn't.
That's been refined.
This is sea salt.
So we have to work out I'll show you.
Normal water.
Needle at the bottom.
We have to mix enough salt to put the needle on there, right at the top of the scale.
I know that's 25 litres, because Hold on.
No.
If you're doing 25 litres at a time I'm doing 25 litres to work out how much salt to put in.
- We're going to be here all morning - No, we're not.
because you have to fill your entire tank up! So what should I do? Why are you so angry with me? I've come to help.
You haven't come to help.
I could have almost done it by now.
You're just standing there being fatuous and bringing a thing of salt from a seaside café from the 1950s in Morecambe.
Bugger off.
Please.
- Well, get on with it.
- Go away.
- Right, so, we know that's - Don't talk.
Just get on with it.
Having refilled my tank That should be close enough for my fishy friends.
our convoy continued on its mercy mission to Bingo.
I've rigged up a really rudimentary tarpaulin to try and reduce the splashing and give the fish a better chance.
It does smell so rank in here and I haven't even got the excuse of dead fish.
I think I've got crotch rot from sitting in my own wet underpants for 16 hours yesterday.
Is that an octopus on the back of your bike now? Yes.
- Where did you get that from? - Found it in a pond.
Hammond, have you emptied out the back of my pick-up truck to reload your ridiculous drying system? No.
I went fishing.
- Did you? - It's a freshwater octopus.
Mozambique freshwater octopus.
They're quite famous but very rare.
I hate him.
Right, yesterday we covered 100 miles.
Today Well, we've still got 100 miles to go and none of it from what I hear is on Tarmac.
For me, that was a particularly terrifying prospect.
Oh, no.
Red dust.
Oh, God, here we go.
It doesn't look like anything much, but this soft red sand sits on a very hard subsurface and it is simply impossible to ride a bike over.
It just has no grip.
Shit! Front end gone away from me.
There's only another 100 miles of this, Hammond.
I can't do it.
You heard it, ladies and gentlemen.
"I can't do it.
" He's not bothered about world hunger, world poverty.
Just himself.
Oh! Ooh! Argh! After a while, though, Hammond decided to be brave, with hilarious consequences.
Come on, stop it.
(BLEEP) Shit! Oh! Here we go again.
Yep.
No.
Yep.
Do you know, James? It's actually possible to get bored with watching Hammond fall off a motorcycle.
(BLEEP) Bollocks! So let's just add up the amount of times I've fallen off my Datsun Hardbody.
Yep.
None.
Because it's got four wheels.
Meanwhile, the drier roads meant my Mercedes was working well too.
Temperature stays spot-on.
Oil pressure goes up and down a bit, but there is some.
Clock is still right.
25 past one.
This car is running as sweet as a nut.
Electrical fire.
Something's badly on fire on the right-hand side of this car.
I can't understand how in a car made almost entirely from water, he's on fire.
That's the weird thing.
Water with electrics causes fires.
That's why we have a different type of fire extinguisher for electrical fires.
He's even managing to make a car fire boring.
It's electric.
I can smell it.
Keen to do my bit for health and safety, I asked one of our camera team to modify James's fish tank so that if another fire broke out, there'd be plenty of water available to put it out.
Please don't move out.
Oh (BLEEP), here we go.
No.
Held it.
Several miles back, my life was as miserable as ever.
Oh, God.
It's the waiting that kills you.
I'm just waiting for it to let go.
This is like being told you're gonna get the electric chair.
"We'll put you in it and just leave you in it.
Sometime, probably in the next hour, or the next week, we'll flick the switch.
" Oh! Bollocks! Sod 'em! Fire taken care of, I was now back on the move.
All right, fellas? I'm sort of assuming the fish are boys.
But some of them must be girls.
Do you get girl and boy fishies? You must do.
He needs to watch where he's going, that boy.
Meanwhile, up ahead in the Hardbody I'd run into a spot of bother.
- What's up? - Ice machine's broken.
How does sawing your bonnet up mend your ice machine? I've had a brilliant idea and I'm glad you're here, actually, cos you can give me a hand.
No, seriously, James.
Most of our fish are in The good fish are in here.
90% of our fish are in the back of my pick-up truck and he's just driven off.
There's Hammond.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Behold, my gen - Yeah, fascinating.
Well, there we are.
He's just done 100 yards without falling off.
Eventually, my new fish preservation solution was up and running.
What I've done is I've rerouted the exhaust through the bonnet, over the cabbie into the load area where the fish are, which is now covered with a tonneau cover.
Then I've adjusted the fuelling on the engine, so now it's producing thick, lumpy black smoke which of course is smoking the fish.
And that's good for the environment.
Because normally you'd have to have a smokery, a factory, and then you have to transport the fish to wherever it is they're going.
But what I'm doing here is I'm making kippers as I drive along.
Coal-rolled kippers.
You'd buy those.
I know I would.
Further ahead, Bono and Angelina were discussing the distance left to cover.
By my very rough reckoning, because my speedo and my mileometer aren't working, I think we've got about somewhere between 70 and 80 kilometres to go to Bingo.
Why do they have to live so bloody far away? Any fish left? Yes.
I have two.
But I think it's better to arrive with two fish than not to arrive with ten.
That's a parable.
Yes, it sounds positively Biblical, I think.
I don't like the look of this.
Oh, bollocks! Geez, that's a big one.
What is this stuff? Ooh, hello! My colleagues.
- Is that you, Clarkson? - Sure is.
Move your bloody car, May! What a muppet.
He's got a four-wheel-drive pick-up truck! What are those bits of scaffolding coming out of your bonnet for? I'm making kippers, or I would be if you hadn't have blocked the way.
Did he say "making kippers"? They look like the handrails out of a disabled shower from back here.
What are they? - They're exhaust pipes.
- What? Ice machine broke.
I'm now turning them into smoked fish.
This is a kipper factory.
Hang on.
You're smoking them in diesel smoke? - Yes.
- Eh? - It's just smoke.
- Why do you think that's never been done before? - Nobody's thought of it.
- No.
Because it's vile! Well, you eat wood smoke.
That's disgusting.
A bonfire! Do you think oak-smoked fish is the same as diesel-smoked fish? It's coal-rolled kippers! - It's under there smoking? - No.
I've turned the engine off.
This interesting discussion was not helping the people of Bingo.
So we knuckled down to the business of getting through the mud.
I'm gonna go behind the trees, cos I'm narrow, so I can.
Oh! That's a thorn tree! No! Oh, Christ! Get off! Meanwhile, May made me give him a tow.
Right, James May, are you ready? Go! Yes! Come on, keep going, keep going.
Hang on, I'm stuck here.
I've bottomed out.
And that's pretty much all I did for the rest of the day.
So close! Here we go again to tow him out.
Listen to that CV joint.
Damn him and his stupid aquarium which weighs 1800 tons! That's the most stuck it's ever been.
Oh, for Christ's sake! Luckily Ewan McHammond was always on hand to provide some comic relief.
A-ha! I can go up the middle! You see! You do realise it's entirely possible that we won't end up in Bingo even today? Ah Half past three.
And we have done since we set off at seven o'clock this morning 52 miles.
That meant there was another 50 miles to go.
Fortunately, however, there was no more mud.
Unfortunately, it was replaced by this.
The wettest road I'd ever seen.
Oh, my word, this is a deep one.
Discs locked, low range.
Oh, wow! There's water! A lot of water has come in! I am up to my anus now in water.
As Jeremy waded through the lake, I found a narrow path round the edge.
Aha-ha! Look what clever Hammond's done.
What an incredible machine this is.
Look at this, Hammond.
Oh! Oh! - You've got all water in it, mate.
- Yes, exactly.
It's come up above the level of my doors.
Have you checked for fish? Look, don't be stupid.
Given what we're doing With two of us safely across, all eyes were now on the hopeless Macquarium.
James, it is extremely deep.
Yeah, that's OK.
I'll do just a gentle bow wave like they do at off-road school.
Here he comes.
There you go.
Oh, shit! Shit.
Help! All your fish are gonna escape! Oh, bollocks.
Don't let the fresh water get in your salt water.
I don't give a toss about that.
Come and get me! I have rescued you one million times and I'm not towing that damn thing any more.
You are breaking the CV joints in my Hardbody.
Having finally got fed up with him, Hammond and I decided to get radical.
So that night, as James slept we modified his car slightly.
This made James very unpleased.
You bastards! I hate you! Both of you! You utter bastards! Listen.
I am prepared to tow your bootful of water.
That's important.
I'm not gonna tow a dead engine that's full of water, as well.
That's just a waste of fuel.
Rubbish.
It wasn't dead.
I could have mended that once we'd dragged it out.
It's just the ignition.
I've done it five times already! You complete moron! I hope you get bilharzia of the ball sack! Right, that's it.
He's asked for it.
Funny.
Very funny.
Bloody mad.
I think you're following him too closely.
Why don't you sod off? Has it affected the handling? What was that? Fearful that James was about to catch cancer from my coal-rolling I invited him to enter my Hardbody.
And was he grateful? No.
The ride in this thing is appalling.
Why is it so bad? If an ambulance came to rescue you, would you complain about the quality of the ambulance? No.
So why are you complaining about everything I've done for you? Because you're rescuing me from effective injury that you inflicted.
I'd still complain about the man who mugged me if he then said, "I'll help you out, mate.
" I'd still complain.
Let's be brutally honest, shall we? Your car's been a terrible nuisance all the way along.
Not to me.
It has to me cos I've had to wait for it for days.
You're so noble, I won't forget to mention you in my speech.
You're not getting a Nobel Prize.
Why not? Because you're ending with three-quarters of a car.
You don't get the prize for how much car you bring.
You get the prize for bringing the fish.
Don't forget, you're towing my fish, ie, the fish that are still edible.
- Mine are edible.
- No, they're not.
- They are! - I can assure you they're not.
It was a shame about James's bad mood because we were on the verge of success.
Come on! Sure, our plan to feed the world had been beset on all sides by much discomfort Urgh! Bollocks! and many setbacks.
We've got eight, plus one that got out in the boat.
I am up to my anus now in water.
Oh, God! There'd been some terrible smells too.
Oh! Argh! And several accidents.
Some of which were quite funny.
Bollocks! But despite everything, we were now just a few miles from Bingo.
I think, if we're going to be sensible, what we should have done is had a pick-up truck with an aquarium in the back.
You sort of have now.
That motorcycle has been remarkable.
800 quid from a supermarket.
I know Hammond's been obsessing about how he doesn't look like Ewan McGregor in "The Long Way Down," but to me he does, cos it's a motorcycle and they're all exactly the same in my mind.
We could make a film of all of his crashes and call it Wrong Way Up.
I'm going to tell you one thing.
You know normally people from TV or film or whatever come out to Africa to do charitable work? They're photographed by Hello! magazine and then it's back to the hotel, Châteauneuf-du-Pape, - fly home to get the OBE.
- Right.
They don't actually do what we've done, do they? No, I don't think so.
I've never seen Victoria Beckham trying to pull half a Mercedes across Mozambique.
Bingo! There it is! Our quest is at an end! Sir Jeremy and the Nobel Award-winning James May, and Richard Hammond, are arriving! Hello.
Have we got good news for you guys! Aware that our fish may cause a stampede, we found a spot with enough space to accommodate the crowds.
Are you ready? This will get them running over here, you watch.
Oh, look at that! Hundreds and hundreds of delicious fishes.
Diesel-infused kippers.
James, however, was not so happy about the condition of his fish.
And for some reason, he blamed me.
All that messing around and dragging around, you killed them.
Those were all alive this morning! All of them are dead! How do you know all are? Cos they're floating.
That's what fish do.
I've kept those alive for three days, you muppet.
How have I killed them? You did this.
You dragged it along, bouncing it around too much, and not thinking about the fish.
You finished them off! This, though, was no time to get bogged down with who'd killed James's fish, because it was him.
So, we got on with the job of setting up our stalls.
- Is that straight? - No.
And eventually we were ready for the crowds to descend.
Customer.
Customer.
Nobody's interested.
So, we moved on to the next phase of our plan.
Is the man from Hello! magazine getting these shots? - He's there.
- Oh, yeah.
Look concerned.
Let's see your concerned face.
Can you make sure you get plenty of local people in the background so it's obvious I'm in Africa? Thank you.
And then with not a single fish given away, but the pictures taken, there was only one thing left to do.
Chaps, let's get the helicopter.
Now, a couple of months ago, we were sitting around, wondering what we should do for this, the last programme in the series.
Yeah.
I said we should build a car that's also an aircraft carrier.
Yeah, I wanted to fire a car into space.
But then we decided that what we should actually do, because neither of those things were ambitious enough, was end world hunger.
Yeah.
It's a big job.
Yeah, it's not the sort of thing that we could achieve in 20 minutes with a couple of guests and a bit of idle chit-chat in-between.
No.
We were going to need the whole show.
So settle back now as we take The Grand Tour on a mini special to the poverty-stricken but beautiful country of Mozambique.
This is the village of Bingo in the west of the country.
The people here are not starving, but they are very poor.
Jesus here has to exist on a diet of miserable gruel, which is fine for silly rich women in London and New York.
But food like this makes the average red-blooded African man very sad.
And that's odd, because just 200 miles away things are very different.
This is Mozambique's capital city, Maputo.
And the people here are well-nourished and happy because they live by the ocean which is full of fish.
And that got us wondering.
How hard can it be to get the fish from here to that village we were looking at earlier? Yeah.
Now, this isn't a very wealthy country.
- In fact, it's a poor country.
- Desperately poor.
Desperately poor.
So they don't have refrigerated trucks, all that kind of stuff.
No, but we're talking about 200 miles.
That's London to Leeds, isn't it? It's nothing to get this there.
I'm telling you, when we get this sorted out, when we move these fish to Bingo, there'll be Nobel Prizes in it for us.
- And I'd be Boutros Boutros-May.
- Yes.
And I'd be Ban Ki-Hammond.
- What? Oh, Ban Ki.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go for a knighthood - Do it.
Why not? - beat David Beckham to it.
- That'd go down well.
Unfortunately, having agreed that we would end world hunger by moving fish across Mozambique, we couldn't agree on how this might be achieved.
So we ended up with different solutions.
This is what I came up with - a 1984 Mercedes wagon, a car famous throughout Africa for its rugged dependability.
However, I have modified it extensively.
In the back, filling up all of the back, is a Perspex tank.
What I'm going to do is fill that with sea water and then put the fishes in there and they will stay alive as I make my way inland.
Now, you can't get fish fresher than fishes that are still swimming around in the sea.
I have been clever.
Very clever.
Not as clever as me.
Because for the first time in my entire life, I've made a sensible decision.
I've gone for this.
It's a pick-up truck that Nissan named after me.
It's called the Hardbody.
It's got tons of space in the back for cod and bream and sticklebacks.
And it has four-wheel drive, which I reckon is going to be essential, because - and James hasn't realised this - it's the rainy season in Mozambique, so I reckon the roads are gonna be hell.
Hammond, meanwhile, hadn't been clever at all.
What do you think of that? - Well, I think it's a motorcycle.
- Yes, it is.
Specifically, it's a TVS Star HLX E5 and I've just bought this brand new from a supermarket for 800 quid.
Brand spankers.
Hammond, this is not a quality item.
It's built down to a budget, isn't it? You can feel that.
Is it a 1,000cc? - No, 100.
- What? - 100cc.
- How many cylinders? Four? - One.
- One? - That one.
- So how much horsepower has it got? - Seven.
Seven.
- Seven? But it's light, it's agile.
These things are actually built in India specifically to be used in Africa.
They are! They're built in India specifically for use in Africa It's too poor to be used in India.
I can see why the Indians don't want it.
It's rugged, it's tough, it can go off-road if we need to.
- It can do anything.
- But what it can't do, Hammond, is transport a large amount of fish.
Exactly what I was thinking.
If I wanted a pizza delivery, this is the sort of thing I've thought about this.
Let me explain my idea.
This is my genius.
What they do here is dry the fish in the wind cos it lasts longer.
- Is that fish? - That's fish, drying in the wind.
- It looks like cats.
- No, it's fish! I'm gonna build a rack like that, fit it to the back, and then I'll dry the fish as I go along.
It's brilliant! That is literally the stupidest idea I've ever heard of.
What are you gonna do, sling your fish in your pick-up and watch them rot? Ah! No.
Actually, I have a plan on that.
But I do need your help.
Jeremy's plan was to break into a hotel in the dead of night and do a burglary.
You're not gonna You're gonna have to tilt it! You're gonna have to tilt it! Ow! Ow! Right, back! There! - Why is it so heavy? - Ssh! There's a lot of gubbins in it.
The next morning, we all met up on the beach and I set about fitting the hotel's ice machine to my Hardbody.
Right, so I need a bucket of water above the height of the stolen ice machine from which the Solenoid ice machine can get the supply that it can convert into ice.
Oh, yeah.
Generator in place.
Water tank in place.
Meanwhile, Hammond was building his fish rack and May was filling his Macquarium with sea water.
How much is your car going to weigh when it's full? An extra 700.
- Tons? - No, kilograms.
- So it's at 0.
7 of a ton - Yeah, extra.
- Extra.
And he's parked it - On sand.
Wet sand.
- Wet sand.
- But the fish aren't heavy.
Tyre.
Look at the tyre.
The tide is definitely coming in.
With the Indian Ocean nibbling at his back end, James's tank was eventually full.
I need to get this going as quick as possible.
You lot out of the way! He's not gonna do it.
Bollocks! I need a tow! Tow! Try! It won't do it.
It's only got 104 horsepower.
Get the truck! Get your four-by-four, please, and tow me the first 20 yards.
That's what you've got it for! Get it in front! He's really shouting at me.
I don't respond well to shouting.
I like calmness.
- Can you help? - Yep.
- What's the matter? - I want a tow! You've got a four-by-four.
Put it there.
Just tow me a bit.
I helped you nick the ice-making machine.
Do something in return.
You're still not doing it! I am.
This is me saving James May.
It's not ideal, but Jeremy, he's ready! Keep going! What is that noise? That's my gearbox.
No, no! Stop! Oh, you pillock! Hammond, there's a really bad noise I dropped him right where the sewage is.
- OK.
- There's a terrible noise.
coming from the bottom of my gear lever when it's underload, pulling him.
- What is that? - That clicking metallic - Could you hear it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dunno.
Honestly don't know.
Thank you.
But you were supposed to do it gently.
- That's what I was shouting.
- My car is broken.
- Well - Mine's not, fortunately.
- How did that happen? - You did it.
You might have holed his radiator.
We haven't had a look yet.
- When I said "Stop", you accelerated.
- Yeah, that did happen.
The noise of my disintegrating gearbox was drowning you out.
I didn't know your gearbox was disintegrating.
- It is now.
- Radiator and fan are OK.
I knew they were.
I judged it to perfection.
Course you did.
Once we'd replaced the water James was now wearing, we were ready to go and catch some fish, using local methods that we didn't really understand.
So far as we could tell, we had to put James in the sea with one end of the rope, and then Hammond and I had to row about, dropping off a net as we went.
And pull! Arg! Jesus Christ! There's been an accident! Row the boat, you idle sods! Hold on, James, we'll be This is how they do it here.
No, that's the wrong way.
Gotta go the other way.
Oh, shit, I'm on the wrong side! Turn it.
Oh (BLEEP) hell! As Hammond and I were struggling to get into a rhythm Hang on, hang on.
The oar's come out.
and, as it turned out, the Indian Ocean wasn't that deep Where has all the sea gone? we decided to push the boat instead.
Any minute now we're going to start fishing.
I think this might actually be working.
If they can just get themselves back to here, we've got two ends of a net, pull it in full of fish.
Arg! Shit! I've caught myself in the net! Oh, shit! After this calamity - Hammond, get it! - I can't get it! we decided that we'd be better off in the boat after all.
And soon we'd worked our way back to James.
- God! - Come on! We're coming.
Right, anchor.
Right.
Dropping anchor.
What we do is, we pull it in, and then, as the net comes towards us it fills up with fish.
So is that the other end of it? This is my end, the beginning end.
- Where's the other end? - At the back of your boat.
This is the other end, isn't it? Hold on.
No, wait.
This is the other end.
But that's also the other end.
This is the other end! Once we'd established that somehow our rope had three ends, we began hauling in the net.
Behold the sparkling treasure of the seas! What we've achieved - not only solving world hunger but mastering fishing in a single day.
Have you ever seen Bono do this? - Angelina Jolie? - No.
Both of them well respected for their charitable work.
I haven't seen them in the sea hauling nets.
Or David Beckham.
Eventually our catch was on board.
We've got eight plus one that got out in the boat.
And, to make matters worse There's a big squall coming.
Yep, I can see it.
That'll be it.
Urgh! It's getting quite hairy out here now.
We're all on board.
You can't row in this.
If we lift up the anchor, the wind will blow us onto the shore.
That's good.
Or we might just miss it and end up in Madagascar.
Or Somalia.
- Yeah.
- What's Madagascar like? - Better than Somalia.
- Yeah.
Faced with the prospect of being kidnapped by pirates we bravely decided to abandon the boat we'd borrowed and the fish we'd caught, and hitch a ride back to the harbour with the film crew.
Oh, bollocks! The next day, though, things started to look up.
We went off fishing this morning, before the camera crews were up, and we've had a much more successful morning, much more.
This is the result.
I caught the dorado by hand, in fact.
That was quite a wrestling match.
I remember watching that.
I was hauling these in at the time, all of them.
Anyway, we've got a lot of fish that we caught ourselves, without the crew, early this morning.
And now it was time to load them into our fish transportation vehicles.
That is an octopus, look.
You can see its face, the surprise from when James wrestled it.
Look at that.
With a cheese sauce, got a thermidor going on right there.
They will be kept succulent and fresh for the journey to Bingo.
Right, come on, matey.
In the big tank.
You'll like it with your mates.
Hey, hey, hey! Look at that! Sorry, mate.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, he's sandy.
Oh, bollocks.
I'll rinse him off.
There you go.
He's OK.
So it goes in its mouth and out of its anus? No.
It'll go in its mouth and then I imagine out of its gill.
No, it needs to go through its anus, then it goes through its whole body.
It goes through the gill, not threaded all the way through the fish! - If I were to dry you - Can somebody come and open the lid? - No, I'm busy with him.
- Open the lid! Oh, yeah.
- Admire.
- Now what do you do? Hang it on here.
Eventually the loading and the hanging were complete and we were ready.
OK, it's time now Nobody's ever said this on a car show before.
to save the world.
There you go.
Right, forward into saving the world.
This is it.
Oh, my God! Oh.
Oh.
Stupid What the hell is? Oh, Lord above! What manner of thing is happening here? Still, could be worse.
Oh, it's steering me, I'm not steering it.
It is steering me! Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great It is with great pride and humility that I accept this award for Urgh! Ah, Tarmac! That's better! Our mercy mission would take us through the city of Maputo and then 200 miles north, to the tiny village of Bingo.
The great thing about this particular vehicle is that it has a 3.
2-litre four-cylinder diesel engine.
That's a great deal of power, it'll get me there quickly.
This is what Angelina and Bob Geldof and Bono don't realise.
It's all very well singing songs and adopting children.
What you actually need is a big, powerful engine, and that's what I've got in my Hardbody.
Everybody I pass, you can see the light dawning in their eyes.
"Why didn't we think of that?" Every morning in future there'll be a fleet of fishing boats coming in to shore here and a fleet of these bikes waiting to collect the fish and transport it inland, And it's what, 200 miles? I reckon on a bike, a good rider could get in two or even three fish trips a day.
See, it's brilliant, isn't it? Yeah.
It's a brilliant idea! You're gonna want to do it! It's a great business! Yeah, you see! This is like Lions' Den, Dragons' Den, whatever.
The Den.
That show with Alan Sugar on.
He means Donald Trump.
Temperatures and pressures are OK.
Tank is full of water.
Quick look at my fish.
Yes, there's one.
He's looking pretty happy.
Why wouldn't he be? He's in the sea.
He doesn't know he's in a car.
Fish are not, you know They don't have a big intellect.
Overtaking the Leaning Bus of Pisa! So here we are.
We've done 40 miles already.
We're on a velvet-smooth, almost Austrian road, heading towards Bingo.
We should be there in a couple of hours.
Easiest thing I've ever done.
Easiest.
In fact, since things were going so smoothly, I decided to amuse myself.
Ready, steady and brake-testing James May.
Git! You're not helping with the transport of my fish.
This is supposed to be a group effort.
Don't be such a petulant child.
Oh, someone's fallen over in the road.
Nothing I can do.
A few miles further on, though, the smooth Tarmac ran out.
And because Hammond had rejected my anus suggestion and used gills instead, it caused him some problems.
Hammond, you just lost 90% of your fish.
Oh, no, did I? Oh, he's lost another one! I've just run over a fish.
Should I worry? Oh, mate, you're gonna be running over more than one.
Hammond is losing them at a rate of knots.
Two more just went there, Hammond.
Oh, God! And another one.
He's gonna have And another one.
no fish at all.
And another.
This fish delivery was supposed to be targeted.
What you're doing is carpet-bombing Mozambique with bream.
It's the principle I'm proving.
I'm not trying to feed them all.
I'm trying to show them how to feed themselves.
What a blithering idiot.
The inside of the windscreen's filthy because of dollops of sea water hitting it.
I'm delighted to say it's now spitting with rain, which of course is filling up my water bucket.
That's the sort of recycling that will leave Prince Charles breathless.
When I go for my knighthood, he'll probably bring it up, I should imagine.
What gave you the idea of recycling? I think this is so inventive, it really is.
- Urgh! - Sorry.
- No point drying them if you're gonna soak them! - Sorry.
Argh! Sorry, Hammond.
Did some of that go on you? What's the point of me drying fish if you then get them wet in a puddle? It was still another 150 miles to Bingo.
But we were confident that even on these roads, we'd get there by nightfall.
Soon, though, the going started to get much worse.
Not so good.
Steady, steady.
Shit! That's a massive rut.
Oh, no! Argh! Come on! Hammond cannot possibly make this.
Oh, no! Not again! It's getting quite struggly now for him.
But actually it was the ruggedly dependable Mercedes that was the first to crack.
That was going well.
What's the matter, May? It cut out when I went through the puddle.
Getting water on something or in something.
I'm trying to work out what I can do about that.
Nothing.
However, because we were all working as a team, we had to wait until his engine dried out.
Right, let's go.
Sadly, though, this wasn't a one-off.
Hang on a minute.
It's killed it.
Give it a minute, it'll go.
Bugger! What's the news? Is your car working or not? I've got to wait for a minute and a half.
Why did you have to break down there, you clodhoppy old imbecile? There's nothing I can do.
Sorry, I have to wait for a minute and a half.
How have I put up with him for so long? The slow progress of the Mercedes was now causing me problems, because the skies were dry and my water bucket was nearly empty.
He keeps breaking down in front of me and then going, "It's a minute and a half.
You have to wait.
" And it isn't a minute and a half, it's about 15 minutes.
I must get ice.
We can't afford to wait for him bumbling around.
No, you do need more ice.
You need more water.
I know we said we'd work as a team and we are working as a team.
And the teamwork is, leaving him behind.
Yeah, as a team.
With that decision made, we set off.
Come on, little bike.
Keep going, baby.
Keep going.
Mostly the progress was good.
Sorry.
That was not on purpose.
Let's find out what lies in here for you.
Come on! Oh, deary me.
I think you've drowned your hog.
Hammond insisted I get out and help.
But it was all muddy, so I came up with a better idea.
Urgh It's working! This is impressive delicacy from Clarkson here.
I'm staggered.
How gentle was that? You were extraordinarily gentle.
You know that'll never work again? - It will.
- It was £800 from a supermarket.
The handlebars have come off.
You're blowing water out of your exhaust pipe.
No way! Oh, come on! Why did Ewan McGregor use a BMW GS? I don't know.
They're very expensive and He wasted his money.
I'm staggered! Meanwhile, much further back, the soggy dog was not being so lucky.
One and a half minutes.
As the afternoon wore on, the roads became even worse Come on! and the human terrapin was really starting to slow me down.
Right, my bucket is now officially dry.
I have got to get to a source of fresh, clean water before that ice melts.
Come on! Holy shit, I am now in the sea! Hammond, we've got to get to the next town.
Can we stop messing about? - I'm not messing about.
- You are.
I'm not messing about! There are no words! It's come out of gear.
Come on.
Come on, Hammond, we're running out of ice.
Ooh, bollocks! Oh, that's a tragic spectacle, it really is.
This is I don't even like fish! Eventually I had no choice but to abandon my remaining colleague.
I don't even know how far away the next town is.
But I have got to get there before the last of the ice melts.
I've got to get some water, and it's going dark.
Anyone can sing Feed The World.
It's actually quite difficult, though, as it's turning out, to do it, especially if you have a motorcycle or a Mercedes that you've converted into an aquarium.
Come on, keep going.
Keep going, German.
That's marvellous.
Bugger! Bollocks and arse! However, after total darkness fell solid teamwork meant I was in good shape.
Right, on the upside, I found a town, well, some kind of settlement, where I've got water and I've got ice, so the fish are fine.
On the downside, we've just found out I'm not even halfway to Bingo.
It's the middle of the night and Hammond and May are hours, three, four hours, behind me.
So do I wait for them? Oh, dear.
Right.
Calm.
Bollocks! Amazingly, the morning revealed that Jeremy had waited for us, so our convoy was reunited.
But before we could set off, I had to repair my bike and James had to refill his depleted water tank.
So, water is just - No, don't do - Oh, God.
I don't particularly want to see you, just to be absolutely clear.
- Why? - Well, I got here at 4am, wet, with consumption, smelling like a damp dog.
Tried to sleep in the car, and what did I hear? - No idea.
- Snoring.
Your car snoring.
That bloody generator is like someone snoring, but without the pauses in the breaths.
The generator is necessary to keep my fish fresh.
- Where's your water gone? - On my head.
Anyway, we've got to make more water.
This is water.
I was just about to explain that that is normal water which we're all familiar with.
You drink it.
Sea water is salty.
We all know that as well.
- I know, I brought you some salt.
- It's not that sort of salt.
- It's salt.
- That's table salt.
Exactly.
Sea salt has extra minerals in.
That doesn't.
That's been refined.
This is sea salt.
So we have to work out I'll show you.
Normal water.
Needle at the bottom.
We have to mix enough salt to put the needle on there, right at the top of the scale.
I know that's 25 litres, because Hold on.
No.
If you're doing 25 litres at a time I'm doing 25 litres to work out how much salt to put in.
- We're going to be here all morning - No, we're not.
because you have to fill your entire tank up! So what should I do? Why are you so angry with me? I've come to help.
You haven't come to help.
I could have almost done it by now.
You're just standing there being fatuous and bringing a thing of salt from a seaside café from the 1950s in Morecambe.
Bugger off.
Please.
- Well, get on with it.
- Go away.
- Right, so, we know that's - Don't talk.
Just get on with it.
Having refilled my tank That should be close enough for my fishy friends.
our convoy continued on its mercy mission to Bingo.
I've rigged up a really rudimentary tarpaulin to try and reduce the splashing and give the fish a better chance.
It does smell so rank in here and I haven't even got the excuse of dead fish.
I think I've got crotch rot from sitting in my own wet underpants for 16 hours yesterday.
Is that an octopus on the back of your bike now? Yes.
- Where did you get that from? - Found it in a pond.
Hammond, have you emptied out the back of my pick-up truck to reload your ridiculous drying system? No.
I went fishing.
- Did you? - It's a freshwater octopus.
Mozambique freshwater octopus.
They're quite famous but very rare.
I hate him.
Right, yesterday we covered 100 miles.
Today Well, we've still got 100 miles to go and none of it from what I hear is on Tarmac.
For me, that was a particularly terrifying prospect.
Oh, no.
Red dust.
Oh, God, here we go.
It doesn't look like anything much, but this soft red sand sits on a very hard subsurface and it is simply impossible to ride a bike over.
It just has no grip.
Shit! Front end gone away from me.
There's only another 100 miles of this, Hammond.
I can't do it.
You heard it, ladies and gentlemen.
"I can't do it.
" He's not bothered about world hunger, world poverty.
Just himself.
Oh! Ooh! Argh! After a while, though, Hammond decided to be brave, with hilarious consequences.
Come on, stop it.
(BLEEP) Shit! Oh! Here we go again.
Yep.
No.
Yep.
Do you know, James? It's actually possible to get bored with watching Hammond fall off a motorcycle.
(BLEEP) Bollocks! So let's just add up the amount of times I've fallen off my Datsun Hardbody.
Yep.
None.
Because it's got four wheels.
Meanwhile, the drier roads meant my Mercedes was working well too.
Temperature stays spot-on.
Oil pressure goes up and down a bit, but there is some.
Clock is still right.
25 past one.
This car is running as sweet as a nut.
Electrical fire.
Something's badly on fire on the right-hand side of this car.
I can't understand how in a car made almost entirely from water, he's on fire.
That's the weird thing.
Water with electrics causes fires.
That's why we have a different type of fire extinguisher for electrical fires.
He's even managing to make a car fire boring.
It's electric.
I can smell it.
Keen to do my bit for health and safety, I asked one of our camera team to modify James's fish tank so that if another fire broke out, there'd be plenty of water available to put it out.
Please don't move out.
Oh (BLEEP), here we go.
No.
Held it.
Several miles back, my life was as miserable as ever.
Oh, God.
It's the waiting that kills you.
I'm just waiting for it to let go.
This is like being told you're gonna get the electric chair.
"We'll put you in it and just leave you in it.
Sometime, probably in the next hour, or the next week, we'll flick the switch.
" Oh! Bollocks! Sod 'em! Fire taken care of, I was now back on the move.
All right, fellas? I'm sort of assuming the fish are boys.
But some of them must be girls.
Do you get girl and boy fishies? You must do.
He needs to watch where he's going, that boy.
Meanwhile, up ahead in the Hardbody I'd run into a spot of bother.
- What's up? - Ice machine's broken.
How does sawing your bonnet up mend your ice machine? I've had a brilliant idea and I'm glad you're here, actually, cos you can give me a hand.
No, seriously, James.
Most of our fish are in The good fish are in here.
90% of our fish are in the back of my pick-up truck and he's just driven off.
There's Hammond.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Behold, my gen - Yeah, fascinating.
Well, there we are.
He's just done 100 yards without falling off.
Eventually, my new fish preservation solution was up and running.
What I've done is I've rerouted the exhaust through the bonnet, over the cabbie into the load area where the fish are, which is now covered with a tonneau cover.
Then I've adjusted the fuelling on the engine, so now it's producing thick, lumpy black smoke which of course is smoking the fish.
And that's good for the environment.
Because normally you'd have to have a smokery, a factory, and then you have to transport the fish to wherever it is they're going.
But what I'm doing here is I'm making kippers as I drive along.
Coal-rolled kippers.
You'd buy those.
I know I would.
Further ahead, Bono and Angelina were discussing the distance left to cover.
By my very rough reckoning, because my speedo and my mileometer aren't working, I think we've got about somewhere between 70 and 80 kilometres to go to Bingo.
Why do they have to live so bloody far away? Any fish left? Yes.
I have two.
But I think it's better to arrive with two fish than not to arrive with ten.
That's a parable.
Yes, it sounds positively Biblical, I think.
I don't like the look of this.
Oh, bollocks! Geez, that's a big one.
What is this stuff? Ooh, hello! My colleagues.
- Is that you, Clarkson? - Sure is.
Move your bloody car, May! What a muppet.
He's got a four-wheel-drive pick-up truck! What are those bits of scaffolding coming out of your bonnet for? I'm making kippers, or I would be if you hadn't have blocked the way.
Did he say "making kippers"? They look like the handrails out of a disabled shower from back here.
What are they? - They're exhaust pipes.
- What? Ice machine broke.
I'm now turning them into smoked fish.
This is a kipper factory.
Hang on.
You're smoking them in diesel smoke? - Yes.
- Eh? - It's just smoke.
- Why do you think that's never been done before? - Nobody's thought of it.
- No.
Because it's vile! Well, you eat wood smoke.
That's disgusting.
A bonfire! Do you think oak-smoked fish is the same as diesel-smoked fish? It's coal-rolled kippers! - It's under there smoking? - No.
I've turned the engine off.
This interesting discussion was not helping the people of Bingo.
So we knuckled down to the business of getting through the mud.
I'm gonna go behind the trees, cos I'm narrow, so I can.
Oh! That's a thorn tree! No! Oh, Christ! Get off! Meanwhile, May made me give him a tow.
Right, James May, are you ready? Go! Yes! Come on, keep going, keep going.
Hang on, I'm stuck here.
I've bottomed out.
And that's pretty much all I did for the rest of the day.
So close! Here we go again to tow him out.
Listen to that CV joint.
Damn him and his stupid aquarium which weighs 1800 tons! That's the most stuck it's ever been.
Oh, for Christ's sake! Luckily Ewan McHammond was always on hand to provide some comic relief.
A-ha! I can go up the middle! You see! You do realise it's entirely possible that we won't end up in Bingo even today? Ah Half past three.
And we have done since we set off at seven o'clock this morning 52 miles.
That meant there was another 50 miles to go.
Fortunately, however, there was no more mud.
Unfortunately, it was replaced by this.
The wettest road I'd ever seen.
Oh, my word, this is a deep one.
Discs locked, low range.
Oh, wow! There's water! A lot of water has come in! I am up to my anus now in water.
As Jeremy waded through the lake, I found a narrow path round the edge.
Aha-ha! Look what clever Hammond's done.
What an incredible machine this is.
Look at this, Hammond.
Oh! Oh! - You've got all water in it, mate.
- Yes, exactly.
It's come up above the level of my doors.
Have you checked for fish? Look, don't be stupid.
Given what we're doing With two of us safely across, all eyes were now on the hopeless Macquarium.
James, it is extremely deep.
Yeah, that's OK.
I'll do just a gentle bow wave like they do at off-road school.
Here he comes.
There you go.
Oh, shit! Shit.
Help! All your fish are gonna escape! Oh, bollocks.
Don't let the fresh water get in your salt water.
I don't give a toss about that.
Come and get me! I have rescued you one million times and I'm not towing that damn thing any more.
You are breaking the CV joints in my Hardbody.
Having finally got fed up with him, Hammond and I decided to get radical.
So that night, as James slept we modified his car slightly.
This made James very unpleased.
You bastards! I hate you! Both of you! You utter bastards! Listen.
I am prepared to tow your bootful of water.
That's important.
I'm not gonna tow a dead engine that's full of water, as well.
That's just a waste of fuel.
Rubbish.
It wasn't dead.
I could have mended that once we'd dragged it out.
It's just the ignition.
I've done it five times already! You complete moron! I hope you get bilharzia of the ball sack! Right, that's it.
He's asked for it.
Funny.
Very funny.
Bloody mad.
I think you're following him too closely.
Why don't you sod off? Has it affected the handling? What was that? Fearful that James was about to catch cancer from my coal-rolling I invited him to enter my Hardbody.
And was he grateful? No.
The ride in this thing is appalling.
Why is it so bad? If an ambulance came to rescue you, would you complain about the quality of the ambulance? No.
So why are you complaining about everything I've done for you? Because you're rescuing me from effective injury that you inflicted.
I'd still complain about the man who mugged me if he then said, "I'll help you out, mate.
" I'd still complain.
Let's be brutally honest, shall we? Your car's been a terrible nuisance all the way along.
Not to me.
It has to me cos I've had to wait for it for days.
You're so noble, I won't forget to mention you in my speech.
You're not getting a Nobel Prize.
Why not? Because you're ending with three-quarters of a car.
You don't get the prize for how much car you bring.
You get the prize for bringing the fish.
Don't forget, you're towing my fish, ie, the fish that are still edible.
- Mine are edible.
- No, they're not.
- They are! - I can assure you they're not.
It was a shame about James's bad mood because we were on the verge of success.
Come on! Sure, our plan to feed the world had been beset on all sides by much discomfort Urgh! Bollocks! and many setbacks.
We've got eight, plus one that got out in the boat.
I am up to my anus now in water.
Oh, God! There'd been some terrible smells too.
Oh! Argh! And several accidents.
Some of which were quite funny.
Bollocks! But despite everything, we were now just a few miles from Bingo.
I think, if we're going to be sensible, what we should have done is had a pick-up truck with an aquarium in the back.
You sort of have now.
That motorcycle has been remarkable.
800 quid from a supermarket.
I know Hammond's been obsessing about how he doesn't look like Ewan McGregor in "The Long Way Down," but to me he does, cos it's a motorcycle and they're all exactly the same in my mind.
We could make a film of all of his crashes and call it Wrong Way Up.
I'm going to tell you one thing.
You know normally people from TV or film or whatever come out to Africa to do charitable work? They're photographed by Hello! magazine and then it's back to the hotel, Châteauneuf-du-Pape, - fly home to get the OBE.
- Right.
They don't actually do what we've done, do they? No, I don't think so.
I've never seen Victoria Beckham trying to pull half a Mercedes across Mozambique.
Bingo! There it is! Our quest is at an end! Sir Jeremy and the Nobel Award-winning James May, and Richard Hammond, are arriving! Hello.
Have we got good news for you guys! Aware that our fish may cause a stampede, we found a spot with enough space to accommodate the crowds.
Are you ready? This will get them running over here, you watch.
Oh, look at that! Hundreds and hundreds of delicious fishes.
Diesel-infused kippers.
James, however, was not so happy about the condition of his fish.
And for some reason, he blamed me.
All that messing around and dragging around, you killed them.
Those were all alive this morning! All of them are dead! How do you know all are? Cos they're floating.
That's what fish do.
I've kept those alive for three days, you muppet.
How have I killed them? You did this.
You dragged it along, bouncing it around too much, and not thinking about the fish.
You finished them off! This, though, was no time to get bogged down with who'd killed James's fish, because it was him.
So, we got on with the job of setting up our stalls.
- Is that straight? - No.
And eventually we were ready for the crowds to descend.
Customer.
Customer.
Nobody's interested.
So, we moved on to the next phase of our plan.
Is the man from Hello! magazine getting these shots? - He's there.
- Oh, yeah.
Look concerned.
Let's see your concerned face.
Can you make sure you get plenty of local people in the background so it's obvious I'm in Africa? Thank you.
And then with not a single fish given away, but the pictures taken, there was only one thing left to do.
Chaps, let's get the helicopter.