The IT Crowd s04e03 Episode Script

1 Space.
What is it? The simple answer is, we don't know.
Or at least, we didn't know until now.
Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm.
And I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today.
Where did I gain these insights? From this man.
The founder of Spaceology, Beth Gaga Shaggy, no relation to either Lady Gaga or Shaggy, is the founder of Spaceology.
A religion, not a cult.
In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight.
This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.
Space is invisible mind dust and stars are but wishes.
I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true.
And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering.
Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking.
If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK.
If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.
Wow.
You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around? Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.
Well, I'm glad you like the website, Mr Reynholm, I did spend quite a lot of time on it.
It's brilliant, and well worth every penny of the £50.
£100 Didn't we say £100? I never would have agreed to that.
Ah, Jen! Guess who wanted a helicopter this time last week and now, thanks to Spacestar Ordering, has one? You? I'll give you a clue-- It ain't these chaps! You? You're a sceptic, Jen.
You should be more like these.
They can't get enough of my Spacestar Ordering story.
Yes, yes, I noticed you've been coming down here a lot more often because of all the questions.
So, Mr.
Reynholm, how did the cosmos grant you a helicopter? Well, I visualised the thing I wanted.
In my case, it was a helicopter.
I drew a picture of the helicopter on a piece of paper, then I stood with my back to space, threw the paper over my shoulder and wished really hard.
But, when you say that you stood with your back to space - Yes.
- how exactly did you achieve that? I waited till night time.
Of course.
Couple of days later, bought myself a helicopter.
Explain that one, if you can! I wish the cosmos would make it slightly harder to find our office.
Don't worry, Jen, you'll get your wish, just as I one day, I'll get my robot hand.
Scientific mind, believes in Spacestar Ordering.
Who's getting the robot hand first? Hey, you're still up for tonight, right? I'll go if Moss goes.
Sorry, Jen.
I find music confusing and annoying.
Roy invited me to a gig once.
I didn't really enjoy it.
You went to the wrong address.
You went to a swimming pool.
Are you sure it's not swimming pools that you find confusing and annoying? You're right.
It's not music I hate, it's swimming! You know what? I will come, Roy.
Where's Moss? I can't believe he's missing out on this.
Where are they? I'm going to have to go dance at the front.
Aren't you a bit old for the front? I'm 31! Good for you, mate! Careful! My foot! You chill out, man! Jesus! Get out of town! You hooked up with someone from the band? - Wow, who was it? - Norman.
Norman? Oh, he's the drummer, right? The keyboard player.
The keyboard player? OK.
What? No, it's just The keyboard player? Really?! Yeah.
What? It's just he's a bit geeky, isn't he? I didn't think he was your type.
Jen's going out with a geek! Are you sure it's not just because he's in a band? Yes.
I really am that shallow, Roy! I know you are.
Yeah, I'm that shallow.
You are, though.
I mean, you really, really are.
Look, I like him.
He doesn't say a lot, he's more of a thinker.
I think he's really cool.
It's because he's in a band! Oh, flippin' hell.
Is this your back again? When did mosh pits become so unruly? I told you, you should get a massage.
Oh, I've never enjoyed having massages.
I don't like being naked in front of strangers, and I can never relax if I think someone might play Norah Jones.
Who wants to hear another Spacestar Ordering success story? Oh, wait, wait! Yeah, yeah.
OK, OK.
Go! Last week, I decided I wanted to learn how to do tattoos.
So, I did the business.
Bought a book on tattoos, read it, and now I know how to do tattoos.
Look! My helicopter! Oh, that's brilliant.
Let me see it Ow! What the bloody hell's wrong with you? I have a really bad back.
You should see a masseuse.
Don't see a masseuse! They're the biggest con of the 20th century.
I had a bad back, and I cured it, thanks to the techniques outlined in this groundbreaking expose of the massage industry.
Go like this.
And push your back up.
Oh, for fuuu! That's worse! That's way worse.
It's terrible, isn't it? You told me that would make it better! No, no, no! That's how I originally injured my back.
You all right? Yeah, feels so much better already! So that's why I ended up joining the parachute regiment.
Ah, yeah, the Paras.
That's the one I would have joined.
But you know, fear of heights Were you in the army? No.
Right, I have to do a bit of work on your thighs.
Hey, you do what you need to do.
Did you see that ludicrous display last night? What was Mancini thinking, eh? The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in.
Arsenal? Whoever we're talking about.
Right nearly done.
Oh, thanks again, man, this really does feel so much better.
Right.
Oh, yeah! There we are.
All finished.
I love him I love him, I love him so.
Goodness me! What-what-what would you term what just happened there? Norman says my voice is extraordinary.
He's right.
This is it, you know.
This is the guy.
This is the big one.
There's nothing about him I don't like.
When he's asleep, he makes this sound a lovely, little, gentle purr.
Oh, this is a long song.
You know, the last few days has been indescribable.
Good.
Hi, Roy! Hi, Roy.
What? You OK? What? Are you all right? Is your back still hurting? Didn't you go to see the masseuse? Yes, I did.
Did it help? No.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, fine.
It's just you'vegot the same face you have when you eat vegetables.
OK.
Something happened.
Something happened? Yes.
When I was getting the massage, the masseuse did something.
Go on.
OK, I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise not to laugh at me, because this whole thing has left me very shaken.
- OK.
I promise I will not laugh.
- OK.
He kissed me on the arse.
Sorry, I may have misheard you there, Roy.
What did you just say? I was enjoying the massage, everything had gone very, very well, but then at the end he just leaned down, and he gave me a big kiss on the arse.
And you thought I'd find that funny?! Well, yeah, I suppose I did.
On what planet would that be funny? Whereabouts on the arse did he kiss you? I don't know, just to the left of the the line that goes down the middle.
The cleftal horizon.
Is that what it's called? Yes, it is, but never mind that, what happened next? Well, then I just got dressed and I left.
OK.
Have you told Jen this? No, I was really afraid she'd laugh at me.
Do you think Jen's a monster?! She wouldn't laugh-- This man crossed the line! He is a member of the medical profession.
Roy, look at me.
Look at me! There is nothing funny about this.
I think he crossed the line.
I don't think it's funny.
I mean, I was so relaxed, and then that just tensed me right up again.
My hands were like that for an hour.
I couldn't get them in to my pockets to pay him.
You paid him?! Roy, I've got to tell you, I think you've got grounds to sue.
Really? What is that?! That's Jen.
That's what she does now.
You should tell her.
You should tell her.
What? Listen to this.
Jen, you know that I went for that massage? Yeah.
You are not going to believe this.
The bloke who did it kissed me on my arse.
No, Jen, my masseuse kissed me on my bum! My body went into spasms! My hands were like this for an hour! Stop it! You're killing me! You've got to spread that kind of material out! I can't believe this! So what's the problem? I know! He doesn't write, he doesn't call! What, did you think he was coming on to you? I don't know! Maybe he's like the Michelangelo of physical therapists and that was his signature.
Maybe he does it to everybody.
Look, to be honest, I don't care why he did it.
All I know is that I was vulnerable.
I was naked, and he kissed me on my bottom.
I'll tell you something, this is not the last he has heard of me.
As God is my witness, no man shall ever have to be kissed on the bottom unexpectedly because of this man ever again.
Will you stop laughing?! This is the first time I've left before you.
We're looking up legal precedents of Roy being kissed on the arse.
Don't sue him, Roy.
You'll get on the news.
- Don't listen to her.
- Everyone will laugh! No-one will laugh! Come on, Jen, help us bring this monster to justice! I can't.
The band are playing a new song tonight, they want my opinion.
You know to just say, "It's great", right? Roy, I am a person.
With thoughts and opinions.
No.
You're not.
Jen, please, just say, "It's great".
When people like that ask you what you think, all they want to hear is that they're geniuses.
Goodbye.
She is evil.
Spacestar ordering success story number three.
My tattoo got infected, so they've had to cut off my arm! I am getting a robot hand! In the war I am beautiful Beautiful.
Really beautiful.
Thank you.
It's just a great song.
Really, really great.
If you put a gun to my head and forced me to give one criticism, it'd be that maybe it goes on just a bit too long.
- Apart from that, perfect.
- OK.
Listen, Tim, Mary's not going to make it tonight.
What'll we do about backing vocals? I'd love to! Moss, can I ask you a question? Sure.
Do I have to testify? I can't make that decision for you, Roy.
You've just got to ask yourself one thing if you don't take the stand, how many more unsolicited bum kisses will be administered by that lip-happy bastard? No, you're right, I know you're right.
I do want to testify.
I'm just afraid that they're going to laugh at me.
What if they're all what if they're all like Jen? They're not going to laugh, Roy.
No-one's like Jen.
No-one.
I've come to realise she's actually a very odd person.
Well, good luck tonight, everyone! Are you a big Stevie Nicks fan, Jen? Stevie Nicks? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.
Thanks so much for this, guys, I'm so excited.
I've never done anything like this before.
I can't believe you want me to do it! I won't let you down.
So, Norman, we've had a talk.
And we think we're going to go back to not having a keyboard in the band.
Oh, no! Yeah, I'm sorry, but we'll see you both again soon, yeah? Wait! I'm out too? And the defendant gave no indication that he had any intention of kissing you on the bottom? No indication whatsoever.
He just kissed me on my bottom.
Out of nowhere.
What was the result? Well, I had nightmares about it.
And I can't stop washing my bottom.
And I find it hard to trust masseurs.
Where exactly did he kiss you? - It was in the middle.
- In the middle of your bottom? Well, just to the left of the cleftal horizon.
In layman's terms, please, Mr.
Trenneman.
Oh, I'm sorry, your Honour.
Just to the left of the bum line.
Just above the thigh? Well above the thigh.
It was on my bottom.
Although it is true, is it not, that what some people call their bottom, others might call their hip.
No, he kissed my bottom, sir.
- But is it not true - He kissed me on my bottom! Why is no-one laughing? It's no laughing matter, Jen.
We Spaceologists take this kind of thing very seriously.
Are all these people Spaceologists? Yes, this trial could bring the massage industry to its knees.
And you'll find they take this case with the gravity it deserves.
Perhaps Mr.
Trenneman might be able to help us with the aid of this diagram.
Could you please place this picture of the defendant on the area where you say he kissed you? That was where the incident happened.
- I think that's accurate.
- Oh, you think that is accurate? Yes.
Only a moment ago you were quite sure, yet now you only think.
You're twisting my words.
Is it not true that this may simply be an artist, proud of his work, signing off with a flourish? That is not the point.
Yes, thank you, Mr.
Trenneman.
That will be all.
My arse is not a canvas! I said, that will be all, thank you.
My bottom is not a kissing post, sir.
OK, you can dress this up however you like, with your fancy words, with your fancy words, but the truth remains that that man, sitting there, kissed me on my bike rack and I was not expecting it and it rendered an expensive massage worthless.
Your Honour, please.
And I am here today so that no man need be kissed on his sweetmeats by this man ever again, unless they have arranged it beforehand for some reason.
- Will you be silent? - I will not be silent! I will never be silent! I will not stop until those lips are behind bars! How dare you? I trusted you.
My trouser hams are not for sale, sir! I put my arse in your hands.
I rest my case.
I'd have used my robot hand for good.
Wake up!