The Michael J. Fox Show s01e17 Episode Script
Co-Op
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[VACUUM WHIRRING.]
Made you breakfast.
Pretty small portion.
Oh, man.
Can you believe all this co-op stuff? This is my mail, just for this week.
When I agreed to do this, I had no idea it'd be so hard.
At least you get to keep any change you find in the dryers.
Mr.
Reynolds wants the lobby to be warmer.
Mr.
Adams thinks that it should be colder.
Mrs.
Friedman? Grade-A nutball.
You know what she wants? A special elevator for her dog.
A dog elevator, Mike.
Well, it is kind of adorable.
I mean, how would the little dogs push the button? The little dogs would have to stand on top of the big dogs.
At least your term is almost up.
Yeah, but as usual, nobody else wants to run.
So I'll probably be stuck doing it again for another year.
Well, maybe you'll get assassinated or impeached.
- I should have just led with impeached.
- Yeah.
Wait, you're breaking up with me? Reese, that doesn't even make any sense! Is he still on the phone with her? No, you're not thinking this through.
What about the bonsai tree we bought? What's gonna happen to that? - Every other weekend? - We're not raising that bonsai tree.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, great.
Now I'm stress-eating.
[FULL MOUTH.]
And you know I have body image issues, Reese.
I'll get this.
[VACUUM WHIRRING.]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
# Da, da, da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da 1x17 - "Co-Op" Yes, Mrs.
Pochovitz, there should be fresh flowers in the lobby.
No lilies, got it.
Okay, or hydrangeas, or mums or orchids.
Okay, wow.
I've never heard anybody be racist against tulips, but I guess the Dutch are weak-chinned.
Want me to go put boogers on her door? You got your own little political henchman.
- That's cute.
- HARRIS: Come on, Mike.
Are we watching the game or not? Is this why you come to my house all dressed up on a Saturday, or were you just - hoping to run into my sister? - What are you talking about? I came to watch sports.
You know I love the ice hockey.
Yeah, that's obvious by the fact that you called it "the ice hockey.
" Oh, so suddenly every man that shows, out of nowhere, interest in something is under suspicion? [PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, Ms.
Miller.
There's a bird stuck in your apartment? Yes, that does seem like my problem to solve.
So Annie is still dealing with that co-op stuff, huh? Yeah, it's really stressing her out.
I mean, that's all she talks about.
I wish there was something I could do.
You could listen and support her.
If you didn't wanna help, just say so.
Oh, good morning, my dear sister.
- You are looking wonderful, as always.
- Why are you so upbeat? Last time I saw you, you were burning a pile of Reese's jeans on the street.
Sure, Reese cutting it off hit me pretty hard, but then I realized she had given me a gift.
Closure for this clothier.
'Cause - No, yeah, I got it.
- All right.
- Words that sound alike.
- Exactly.
And all this relationship crap is just a distraction anyway.
I'm no softie.
I'm a cold-blooded shark.
And I lost sight of what's important.
My job at Today's Man.
A part-time job at a discount suit store? You do know what the word "important" means, right? You know, you might wanna start thinking about what you're getting for a father's day gift.
Beat the crowds.
When has Today's Man ever had a crowd? "Jessup and Kristen exchanged a glance.
Was that a spark of connection that passed between them? Or was it an actual spark from the downed power line?" So I've been doing readings of my novel "Mane Attraction.
" It's the romantic tale of a girl who falls in love with a boy who turns into a horse at night.
I know it sounds silly, but it's actually pretty sophisticated.
[NEIGHS.]
"Jessup whinnied, 'I'll wait for you.
"' [APPLAUSE.]
Hi.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
- I'm Jeremy.
- I'm Leigh.
Hi.
Yeah, I thought your reading was great.
Oh, thanks.
I was just horsin' around.
Yeah, I really enjoyed it.
And maybe I could take you out for drinks this week.
Your reading, uh, spurred my interest.
- I'm sorry, what? - I'm sorry.
I thought we were Actually, never mind, never mind.
Um - Do you want my number? - Yeah, uh, here's actually my card.
- Hey, Bill.
- Hi.
- Going through my junk mail.
- They should put a recycling bin in here.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I had found a graceful exit from politics for Annie.
With ideas like that and that dynamite head of hair, you should consider running for co-op president.
But isn't Annie president? Wouldn't that be a little weird? No, no.
Um She can't handle it, Bill.
She's not like you.
Maybe you're right.
Plus, there is, uh, her condition.
Funny story.
I once let Bill believe that Annie was a bit unstable.
And after that, I promised I'd never sell her out again.
Yes, yes, that is why.
Oh, yes, enjoy the Imperial.
That is the finest suit we have to offer.
And not to brag, but it's also the preferred suit of many local mortuaries.
So all right.
Dennis, Ranesh, I guess you could say, commission accomplished.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Sorry, man, we've got some bad news.
- Yeah.
That guy was - The returner.
- Damn it, Dennis.
- I was gonna say that part.
- Right.
He returns every suit.
And it's always in pristine condition.
The point is, no commission for you.
Wait, really? And there's nothing we can do about it? [SCOFFS.]
Negatory.
This guy's moves are too good.
Let me tell you, he's a real smooth - Operator.
- Damn it, Dennis! I told you about Sade.
- That's it, we're fighting.
- Fair enough.
[SIGHS.]
Shirts off.
- You know I don't like to do this.
- Clear the store! Annie, honey, I got some great news.
Well, I've got terrible news.
You'll never guess who's running against me.
- You'll never guess.
- Bill.
- Bill.
- Well, isn't that a good thing? I mean, isn't that what you wanted and would be grateful to the man or woman who made it happen? Would I love for someone else to step in? Yes, of course I would.
I'd be thrilled.
But not this guy.
- This guy is incompetent.
- Incompetent! Now I guess I'll just have to campaign harder than ever.
I've made a poster for mom.
"Bill is poop!" - He's poop, Mike.
- Well, I-I don't know.
I think he's a nice guy.
And he may or may not have some exciting ideas for our mailroom situation.
On the other hand poop.
So let me get this straight.
You wanted to take the stress off your wife, so you threw her in a political dogfight? Not a dogfight.
Dogfights, that's why the doggy elevator won't work.
- Dad, how's this look? - Bill is a not-see.
"Bill's a not" Bill's a Nazi?! No, you can't do that.
Annie, he can't do that.
Mike, I can't control what my supporters do.
And do we know for a fact that Bill is not a Nazi? He refuses to deny it.
And if he did, wouldn't that be suspicious? - Very suspicious.
- All right.
I have to work on my fifth floor stump speech.
You know what they say.
As goes the fifth floor, - so goes the building.
- I'm pretty sure nobody says that.
- I gotta fix this.
- So what's Eve up to? No one cares what Eve's up to.
Admit it, you're here to see Leigh.
What? If I cared at all about Leigh, do you think I would've come over here in my casual gym look? Why, do I look weird? No, she does tend to like men who look like they've completely given up.
Good news.
The reading went great, and a cute guy asked me out! Oh sorry, I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Um - is it weird, me talking about this? - Oh, no, don't be silly.
Uh, I'm glad we can be open about things.
You know, I also met some possible love matches at bookstores recently.
So, you know, nothing weird about it.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's just totally normal.
Good.
Great stuff.
Well, I'm actually gonna go talk to Annie, so Me too, but you go first, whatever.
Just go ahead.
- You are so much better than this.
- I know.
So he even gave me a business card, so we know this guy's a really big deal.
That, or he has $7 and access to a mall kiosk.
Oh, hey, did you even read this card? This guy is a literary agent.
Honey, he may not have been asking you out.
Oh, why, because I can't land a date with a literary agent? No, because he might wanna represent you and your book.
Oh, you were complimenting me.
Oh, sweet.
So which is it, drinks or a date? - I don't know, play it by ear.
- Got it.
Business suit, no underwear.
Yep, that's the idea to beat.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh-oh.
Looks like the shark has acquired a taste for Ho Hos.
What happened? I made a huge sale, but it was to this guy who only wears suits once and then returns them.
- That's actually a really good idea.
- I lost a big commission today.
I guess this shark's been put out to pasture.
- So you're all the animals now? - Feels like it.
I thought diving into work would get me over Reese.
Turns out I was wrong.
Okay, look, I can't see you like this.
You're being even more pathetic than usual.
You've gotta nail this guy.
[SIGHS.]
But the returner's unstoppable.
Our Ranesh can't even get him.
Ranesh! How hard can it possibly be? Can't you just find the guy and then spill something on his suit? He can't return it then.
[LAUGHS.]
Eve! If only it were that simple.
- Wait, I think it is actually that simple.
- Well, let's do it then.
Hold on, you're actually gonna help me? Sure.
You're my brother.
Plus, you're ruining Ho Hos for me.
Oh.
Hey, Mike, what's up? I was there to talk Bill out of running, but I couldn't just come out with it.
I had to find a natural way in.
I'm just bringing you your newspaper.
I thought I'd deliver it personally.
That's actually not mine.
Well, take it anyway, it's on the house.
It's in Korean.
Pretty sure it's Mr.
Koh's.
So how's the campaign for co-op president going? - Burdensome? A nightmare? - Oh, it's going pretty great, actually.
Sure, it starts out great, but you should hear Annie.
People are always coming to her with annoying demands.
I mean, that Mrs.
Friedman is a grade-A nutball.
She did tell me that her favorite color was bugs.
That's what I'm saying Wait a minute.
Bugs? She said bugs, really? That's disturbing, 'cause she's a judge.
Anyway, the point is, it's a thankless job.
So why would you suggest I do it? On a dare.
[CHUCKLES.]
My friend Ricky said you wouldn't do it.
But you did, so take that, Ricky, my friend from West Virginia who you'll probably never meet.
Well, thanks for the warning, Mike.
- I had no idea it was so awful.
- Oh, it's a living hell.
The stories she could tell you In fact, why don't I share some of them with you now? I wrote a few down.
I heard you read, and I thought, I have to get to know you better.
- I like the sound of that.
- Through your work.
As well as that sound.
I could not get a read on this guy.
I mean, did he see me as a peer or want to peer at my "C"s? Oh, whoa, that's good.
I can see why this guy may or may not want to represent me.
God, these scallops are moist.
You have to try this.
[YAWNS.]
Sorry.
Tapas make me sleepy.
I hope not too sleepy.
Why? Well, Mrs.
Pochovitz, that was a chiling tale about closing our borders.
Well, Bill is 10 minutes late! Typical Bill.
Not the kind of flake you want for your president.
- Sounds like a Dutchman.
- Absolutely, Mrs.
Pochovitz.
Well, maybe he had a completely unprompted change of heart.
Well, at least now we don't have to go through with this charade of an election.
What color is this? - Uh, bug.
- I love it.
Hey, everybody, sorry I am late.
I was just giving Mr.
Reynolds here a hand, much like he gave our country a hand back in World War II.
[LOUDLY.]
Thank you for your service, Mr.
Reynolds, - and a belated welcome home.
- Oh, thank you.
Bill, buddy, I thought you'd moved on from this.
Get that big, beautiful head of hair out of here.
Oh, well, I gave it some thought, Mike, and I realized this place really needs me.
That's great, that's great.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm not afraid of a little competition.
And although there are no formal speeches, I'd just like to point out that I have been serving you all tirelessly for the past three years, treating your concerns with diligence and with respect.
Well, that's a nice sentiment, Annie, and probably technically a speech, but I also happen to know that it's not true.
Annie here has a lot to say about each and every one of you.
- As a matter of fact - Well done, Bill.
Let's move on to the vote.
For starters, she called Mrs.
Friedman a grade-A nutball.
What? Speaking of grade-A nutball, pecan cluster? All because she asked for an adorable and totally feasible elevator for dogs.
How would you know The walls in this building are paper thin.
The next president's gonna have to deal with that.
The rules clearly state no speeches.
She was facing people and talking.
You do the math.
How could you tell him all that stuff I said, Mike? Wait a minute.
How can you be sure it was me? - Oh, my God.
- Graham was there.
He heard everything.
Was it worth it, Graham, was it? - I know it was you, Mike.
- We know it was you, Mike.
I was just trying to help out.
I figured if I told Bill how terrible you thought all these people were, he'd drop out.
So you do think we're terrible.
I just came in for a pecan cluster, and now I've lost my appetite.
I hope we can count on your vote.
- We can't count on her vote.
- Okay, I'm gonna try to salvage this.
I'm gonna help her.
So how did you track this guy down, anyway? Easy.
I just used his credit card information to look up his purchases, saw that he put down - a deposit on a reservation here.
- Not bad.
Ah, there he is, the returner.
Look at him, flaunting his suit.
He has no idea what he's up against.
You mess with the shark, you get the horns.
- Okay, still different animals.
- Damn right they are.
I'm gonna go find a glass of wine to pour on him.
Hi.
So nice to finally meet you.
Janine has told me a lot about you.
He was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.
He's just a guy, taking a chance on love.
He needed that suit more than I needed the commission.
[MUSIC.]
- Hey, returner - No! Try sending this back.
[ALL GASPING.]
EVE: Ian, what the Ah.
How's that suit working out for you? Follow-through, that's what Today's Man's all about.
Ugh.
LEIGH: Well, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
And just because I'm curious about fiscal matters, are you paying for that with your own money, or are you expensing it? Okay, Leigh, what is going on here? Whatever you want, partner.
Business partner? I don't know.
I Do you wanna date me, or do you want help selling your book? I have been trying to figure that out all night.
Me too.
You're the one who invited me to drinks, so you say first.
Well, initially, I was interested in representing you and your book.
And once we started talking, I thought that maybe it could turn romantic.
Oh, you see me as a peer, and you wanna peer at my "C"s.
- I wanna what? - Sorry, go ahead, keep talking.
Right, I don't mix business with my personal life.
We can't We can't have both.
Uh, so what do you want, Leigh? What are my options again? Ms.
Miller, Annie thinks you smell like chili.
It's a compliment.
I like chili.
Mr.
Powell, Annie thinks that you look like a foot.
Calls him "foot face.
" It's not even a clever slam.
And she really said that I'm nuts? Which is something coming from her.
What do I mean by that? I can't say.
- Doctor-patient confidentiality.
- Hey, I was never your patient! And I'm not nuts, not that there's - anything wrong with being nuts.
- She's pointing straight at me.
[WHISPERS.]
You're all pointing at me.
This was all my fault.
I couldn't just stand there and let Annie lose to Bill.
Let's stop the arguing.
That's not what this building's about.
- This building is about community.
- Yes.
It's about cooperation.
It's right in the title, "co-op-eration.
" Everyone here gets that, except maybe Bill, who's too busy stealing other people's newspapers.
Sorry, Mr.
Koh.
That's outrageous.
You gave me that! He gave me that.
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, always passing the buck.
So despite all the accusations flying around, there's only one person who truly embodies - the spirit of this building, and that's - It's Mike.
[PEOPLE AGREEING.]
No, no, it's not Mike.
- Mike! - ALL: Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! [ALL CHANTING.]
Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Well, she didn't lose to Bill.
Well, one takeaway from all this, I give a hell of a speech.
Oh, you mean the one you gave to make up for the secrets you told to make up for the fact that you got Bill to run in the first place? Don't forget the part where I blamed it on Graham.
Look, I thought I was helping you get out of this.
I thought being board president was driving you crazy.
- That's the whole point, Mike! - Oh, I get it now.
No, I don't.
There are things in my life that I can't fix.
Like Ian's future or the fact that Graham is eating out of the dog bowl or who Eve's dating.
Wait a minute.
Eve's dating someone? Who knows? And, you know, to be honest, Parkinson's isn't awesome.
Well, wait a minute.
That's the first I'm hearing of this.
But how can I get mad at a disease? It's out of my control, so I channel my frustration - into the co-op board.
- Oh, I get it.
You go nuts there, - so you don't have to go nuts here.
- Exactly.
Well, in that case, why don't I stay president? And you can be the puppet master.
We'll be like a banana republic.
Ooh, so then I get to call the shots, - but everybody will complain to you? - Exactly.
[GASPS.]
- I backed into that one.
- Yeah, you did.
The returner struck again! - Returned the suit this morning.
- Happens to the best of us.
For the record, Dennis, you're not one of the best of us.
I'm okay with losing the commission.
I thought that I was a shark and I could just throw myself into business.
I thought that was the dream, but it's not.
Do you know what the greatest dream is? The one with Scarlett Johansson wearing a bra made of pizza.
No, it's love, gentlemen.
I thought I could put Reese behind me and live life without love.
But even if it hurts sometimes, I'm gonna keep on chasing it.
Wait, wait.
Who's Reese? And is she hot? No, no.
Dude, I called her! EVE: Uh, neither of you guys could get her.
- Trust me.
- Uh, is that Reese? - I called you.
- Gross.
What are you doing here? - Just trying to beat that father's day rush.
- Thanks.
IAN: They say it's about the journey and not the destination.
- For you, Mr.
President.
- Aw.
- Thank you.
- That's so sweet.
Does loyalty mean nothing to you? IAN: Sometimes the journey takes you far out of your way.
Good morning, guys.
I'm just here to pick up Mike for work.
It's Saturday, Harris.
IAN: Sometimes it leads to a totally different place than you expected.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
So I had my meeting date with Jeremy.
Jeremy, sounds like a nurse.
So it turns out he is interested in me and my book.
I had to make a tough choice.
But in the end, I chose book.
He's gonna help me sell "Mane Attraction.
" - That is so great! - I know.
Smart move, very savvy.
You know, maybe I won't go into work today.
Again, it's Saturday.
- Hey, who wants cereal? - Oh, I'll get the dust buster.
Oh, not necessary, I figured it out.
The secret is just more bowls.
IAN: But if I've learned one thing from my journey, it's that I like girls who are as comfortable on the dance floor as they are on the hiking trail.
You cannot put all of that in your dating profile.
Well, it's the first time I ever wrote one of these.
Well, at least lose the picture of you windsurfing.
I look sporty there, don't I? Damn it, you know I have body image issues! [MAN LAUGHING.]
[VACUUM WHIRRING.]
Made you breakfast.
Pretty small portion.
Oh, man.
Can you believe all this co-op stuff? This is my mail, just for this week.
When I agreed to do this, I had no idea it'd be so hard.
At least you get to keep any change you find in the dryers.
Mr.
Reynolds wants the lobby to be warmer.
Mr.
Adams thinks that it should be colder.
Mrs.
Friedman? Grade-A nutball.
You know what she wants? A special elevator for her dog.
A dog elevator, Mike.
Well, it is kind of adorable.
I mean, how would the little dogs push the button? The little dogs would have to stand on top of the big dogs.
At least your term is almost up.
Yeah, but as usual, nobody else wants to run.
So I'll probably be stuck doing it again for another year.
Well, maybe you'll get assassinated or impeached.
- I should have just led with impeached.
- Yeah.
Wait, you're breaking up with me? Reese, that doesn't even make any sense! Is he still on the phone with her? No, you're not thinking this through.
What about the bonsai tree we bought? What's gonna happen to that? - Every other weekend? - We're not raising that bonsai tree.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, great.
Now I'm stress-eating.
[FULL MOUTH.]
And you know I have body image issues, Reese.
I'll get this.
[VACUUM WHIRRING.]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
# Da, da, da, da, da, da # Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da 1x17 - "Co-Op" Yes, Mrs.
Pochovitz, there should be fresh flowers in the lobby.
No lilies, got it.
Okay, or hydrangeas, or mums or orchids.
Okay, wow.
I've never heard anybody be racist against tulips, but I guess the Dutch are weak-chinned.
Want me to go put boogers on her door? You got your own little political henchman.
- That's cute.
- HARRIS: Come on, Mike.
Are we watching the game or not? Is this why you come to my house all dressed up on a Saturday, or were you just - hoping to run into my sister? - What are you talking about? I came to watch sports.
You know I love the ice hockey.
Yeah, that's obvious by the fact that you called it "the ice hockey.
" Oh, so suddenly every man that shows, out of nowhere, interest in something is under suspicion? [PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, Ms.
Miller.
There's a bird stuck in your apartment? Yes, that does seem like my problem to solve.
So Annie is still dealing with that co-op stuff, huh? Yeah, it's really stressing her out.
I mean, that's all she talks about.
I wish there was something I could do.
You could listen and support her.
If you didn't wanna help, just say so.
Oh, good morning, my dear sister.
- You are looking wonderful, as always.
- Why are you so upbeat? Last time I saw you, you were burning a pile of Reese's jeans on the street.
Sure, Reese cutting it off hit me pretty hard, but then I realized she had given me a gift.
Closure for this clothier.
'Cause - No, yeah, I got it.
- All right.
- Words that sound alike.
- Exactly.
And all this relationship crap is just a distraction anyway.
I'm no softie.
I'm a cold-blooded shark.
And I lost sight of what's important.
My job at Today's Man.
A part-time job at a discount suit store? You do know what the word "important" means, right? You know, you might wanna start thinking about what you're getting for a father's day gift.
Beat the crowds.
When has Today's Man ever had a crowd? "Jessup and Kristen exchanged a glance.
Was that a spark of connection that passed between them? Or was it an actual spark from the downed power line?" So I've been doing readings of my novel "Mane Attraction.
" It's the romantic tale of a girl who falls in love with a boy who turns into a horse at night.
I know it sounds silly, but it's actually pretty sophisticated.
[NEIGHS.]
"Jessup whinnied, 'I'll wait for you.
"' [APPLAUSE.]
Hi.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
- I'm Jeremy.
- I'm Leigh.
Hi.
Yeah, I thought your reading was great.
Oh, thanks.
I was just horsin' around.
Yeah, I really enjoyed it.
And maybe I could take you out for drinks this week.
Your reading, uh, spurred my interest.
- I'm sorry, what? - I'm sorry.
I thought we were Actually, never mind, never mind.
Um - Do you want my number? - Yeah, uh, here's actually my card.
- Hey, Bill.
- Hi.
- Going through my junk mail.
- They should put a recycling bin in here.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I had found a graceful exit from politics for Annie.
With ideas like that and that dynamite head of hair, you should consider running for co-op president.
But isn't Annie president? Wouldn't that be a little weird? No, no.
Um She can't handle it, Bill.
She's not like you.
Maybe you're right.
Plus, there is, uh, her condition.
Funny story.
I once let Bill believe that Annie was a bit unstable.
And after that, I promised I'd never sell her out again.
Yes, yes, that is why.
Oh, yes, enjoy the Imperial.
That is the finest suit we have to offer.
And not to brag, but it's also the preferred suit of many local mortuaries.
So all right.
Dennis, Ranesh, I guess you could say, commission accomplished.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Sorry, man, we've got some bad news.
- Yeah.
That guy was - The returner.
- Damn it, Dennis.
- I was gonna say that part.
- Right.
He returns every suit.
And it's always in pristine condition.
The point is, no commission for you.
Wait, really? And there's nothing we can do about it? [SCOFFS.]
Negatory.
This guy's moves are too good.
Let me tell you, he's a real smooth - Operator.
- Damn it, Dennis! I told you about Sade.
- That's it, we're fighting.
- Fair enough.
[SIGHS.]
Shirts off.
- You know I don't like to do this.
- Clear the store! Annie, honey, I got some great news.
Well, I've got terrible news.
You'll never guess who's running against me.
- You'll never guess.
- Bill.
- Bill.
- Well, isn't that a good thing? I mean, isn't that what you wanted and would be grateful to the man or woman who made it happen? Would I love for someone else to step in? Yes, of course I would.
I'd be thrilled.
But not this guy.
- This guy is incompetent.
- Incompetent! Now I guess I'll just have to campaign harder than ever.
I've made a poster for mom.
"Bill is poop!" - He's poop, Mike.
- Well, I-I don't know.
I think he's a nice guy.
And he may or may not have some exciting ideas for our mailroom situation.
On the other hand poop.
So let me get this straight.
You wanted to take the stress off your wife, so you threw her in a political dogfight? Not a dogfight.
Dogfights, that's why the doggy elevator won't work.
- Dad, how's this look? - Bill is a not-see.
"Bill's a not" Bill's a Nazi?! No, you can't do that.
Annie, he can't do that.
Mike, I can't control what my supporters do.
And do we know for a fact that Bill is not a Nazi? He refuses to deny it.
And if he did, wouldn't that be suspicious? - Very suspicious.
- All right.
I have to work on my fifth floor stump speech.
You know what they say.
As goes the fifth floor, - so goes the building.
- I'm pretty sure nobody says that.
- I gotta fix this.
- So what's Eve up to? No one cares what Eve's up to.
Admit it, you're here to see Leigh.
What? If I cared at all about Leigh, do you think I would've come over here in my casual gym look? Why, do I look weird? No, she does tend to like men who look like they've completely given up.
Good news.
The reading went great, and a cute guy asked me out! Oh sorry, I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Um - is it weird, me talking about this? - Oh, no, don't be silly.
Uh, I'm glad we can be open about things.
You know, I also met some possible love matches at bookstores recently.
So, you know, nothing weird about it.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's just totally normal.
Good.
Great stuff.
Well, I'm actually gonna go talk to Annie, so Me too, but you go first, whatever.
Just go ahead.
- You are so much better than this.
- I know.
So he even gave me a business card, so we know this guy's a really big deal.
That, or he has $7 and access to a mall kiosk.
Oh, hey, did you even read this card? This guy is a literary agent.
Honey, he may not have been asking you out.
Oh, why, because I can't land a date with a literary agent? No, because he might wanna represent you and your book.
Oh, you were complimenting me.
Oh, sweet.
So which is it, drinks or a date? - I don't know, play it by ear.
- Got it.
Business suit, no underwear.
Yep, that's the idea to beat.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh-oh.
Looks like the shark has acquired a taste for Ho Hos.
What happened? I made a huge sale, but it was to this guy who only wears suits once and then returns them.
- That's actually a really good idea.
- I lost a big commission today.
I guess this shark's been put out to pasture.
- So you're all the animals now? - Feels like it.
I thought diving into work would get me over Reese.
Turns out I was wrong.
Okay, look, I can't see you like this.
You're being even more pathetic than usual.
You've gotta nail this guy.
[SIGHS.]
But the returner's unstoppable.
Our Ranesh can't even get him.
Ranesh! How hard can it possibly be? Can't you just find the guy and then spill something on his suit? He can't return it then.
[LAUGHS.]
Eve! If only it were that simple.
- Wait, I think it is actually that simple.
- Well, let's do it then.
Hold on, you're actually gonna help me? Sure.
You're my brother.
Plus, you're ruining Ho Hos for me.
Oh.
Hey, Mike, what's up? I was there to talk Bill out of running, but I couldn't just come out with it.
I had to find a natural way in.
I'm just bringing you your newspaper.
I thought I'd deliver it personally.
That's actually not mine.
Well, take it anyway, it's on the house.
It's in Korean.
Pretty sure it's Mr.
Koh's.
So how's the campaign for co-op president going? - Burdensome? A nightmare? - Oh, it's going pretty great, actually.
Sure, it starts out great, but you should hear Annie.
People are always coming to her with annoying demands.
I mean, that Mrs.
Friedman is a grade-A nutball.
She did tell me that her favorite color was bugs.
That's what I'm saying Wait a minute.
Bugs? She said bugs, really? That's disturbing, 'cause she's a judge.
Anyway, the point is, it's a thankless job.
So why would you suggest I do it? On a dare.
[CHUCKLES.]
My friend Ricky said you wouldn't do it.
But you did, so take that, Ricky, my friend from West Virginia who you'll probably never meet.
Well, thanks for the warning, Mike.
- I had no idea it was so awful.
- Oh, it's a living hell.
The stories she could tell you In fact, why don't I share some of them with you now? I wrote a few down.
I heard you read, and I thought, I have to get to know you better.
- I like the sound of that.
- Through your work.
As well as that sound.
I could not get a read on this guy.
I mean, did he see me as a peer or want to peer at my "C"s? Oh, whoa, that's good.
I can see why this guy may or may not want to represent me.
God, these scallops are moist.
You have to try this.
[YAWNS.]
Sorry.
Tapas make me sleepy.
I hope not too sleepy.
Why? Well, Mrs.
Pochovitz, that was a chiling tale about closing our borders.
Well, Bill is 10 minutes late! Typical Bill.
Not the kind of flake you want for your president.
- Sounds like a Dutchman.
- Absolutely, Mrs.
Pochovitz.
Well, maybe he had a completely unprompted change of heart.
Well, at least now we don't have to go through with this charade of an election.
What color is this? - Uh, bug.
- I love it.
Hey, everybody, sorry I am late.
I was just giving Mr.
Reynolds here a hand, much like he gave our country a hand back in World War II.
[LOUDLY.]
Thank you for your service, Mr.
Reynolds, - and a belated welcome home.
- Oh, thank you.
Bill, buddy, I thought you'd moved on from this.
Get that big, beautiful head of hair out of here.
Oh, well, I gave it some thought, Mike, and I realized this place really needs me.
That's great, that's great.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm not afraid of a little competition.
And although there are no formal speeches, I'd just like to point out that I have been serving you all tirelessly for the past three years, treating your concerns with diligence and with respect.
Well, that's a nice sentiment, Annie, and probably technically a speech, but I also happen to know that it's not true.
Annie here has a lot to say about each and every one of you.
- As a matter of fact - Well done, Bill.
Let's move on to the vote.
For starters, she called Mrs.
Friedman a grade-A nutball.
What? Speaking of grade-A nutball, pecan cluster? All because she asked for an adorable and totally feasible elevator for dogs.
How would you know The walls in this building are paper thin.
The next president's gonna have to deal with that.
The rules clearly state no speeches.
She was facing people and talking.
You do the math.
How could you tell him all that stuff I said, Mike? Wait a minute.
How can you be sure it was me? - Oh, my God.
- Graham was there.
He heard everything.
Was it worth it, Graham, was it? - I know it was you, Mike.
- We know it was you, Mike.
I was just trying to help out.
I figured if I told Bill how terrible you thought all these people were, he'd drop out.
So you do think we're terrible.
I just came in for a pecan cluster, and now I've lost my appetite.
I hope we can count on your vote.
- We can't count on her vote.
- Okay, I'm gonna try to salvage this.
I'm gonna help her.
So how did you track this guy down, anyway? Easy.
I just used his credit card information to look up his purchases, saw that he put down - a deposit on a reservation here.
- Not bad.
Ah, there he is, the returner.
Look at him, flaunting his suit.
He has no idea what he's up against.
You mess with the shark, you get the horns.
- Okay, still different animals.
- Damn right they are.
I'm gonna go find a glass of wine to pour on him.
Hi.
So nice to finally meet you.
Janine has told me a lot about you.
He was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.
He's just a guy, taking a chance on love.
He needed that suit more than I needed the commission.
[MUSIC.]
- Hey, returner - No! Try sending this back.
[ALL GASPING.]
EVE: Ian, what the Ah.
How's that suit working out for you? Follow-through, that's what Today's Man's all about.
Ugh.
LEIGH: Well, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
And just because I'm curious about fiscal matters, are you paying for that with your own money, or are you expensing it? Okay, Leigh, what is going on here? Whatever you want, partner.
Business partner? I don't know.
I Do you wanna date me, or do you want help selling your book? I have been trying to figure that out all night.
Me too.
You're the one who invited me to drinks, so you say first.
Well, initially, I was interested in representing you and your book.
And once we started talking, I thought that maybe it could turn romantic.
Oh, you see me as a peer, and you wanna peer at my "C"s.
- I wanna what? - Sorry, go ahead, keep talking.
Right, I don't mix business with my personal life.
We can't We can't have both.
Uh, so what do you want, Leigh? What are my options again? Ms.
Miller, Annie thinks you smell like chili.
It's a compliment.
I like chili.
Mr.
Powell, Annie thinks that you look like a foot.
Calls him "foot face.
" It's not even a clever slam.
And she really said that I'm nuts? Which is something coming from her.
What do I mean by that? I can't say.
- Doctor-patient confidentiality.
- Hey, I was never your patient! And I'm not nuts, not that there's - anything wrong with being nuts.
- She's pointing straight at me.
[WHISPERS.]
You're all pointing at me.
This was all my fault.
I couldn't just stand there and let Annie lose to Bill.
Let's stop the arguing.
That's not what this building's about.
- This building is about community.
- Yes.
It's about cooperation.
It's right in the title, "co-op-eration.
" Everyone here gets that, except maybe Bill, who's too busy stealing other people's newspapers.
Sorry, Mr.
Koh.
That's outrageous.
You gave me that! He gave me that.
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, always passing the buck.
So despite all the accusations flying around, there's only one person who truly embodies - the spirit of this building, and that's - It's Mike.
[PEOPLE AGREEING.]
No, no, it's not Mike.
- Mike! - ALL: Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! [ALL CHANTING.]
Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Well, she didn't lose to Bill.
Well, one takeaway from all this, I give a hell of a speech.
Oh, you mean the one you gave to make up for the secrets you told to make up for the fact that you got Bill to run in the first place? Don't forget the part where I blamed it on Graham.
Look, I thought I was helping you get out of this.
I thought being board president was driving you crazy.
- That's the whole point, Mike! - Oh, I get it now.
No, I don't.
There are things in my life that I can't fix.
Like Ian's future or the fact that Graham is eating out of the dog bowl or who Eve's dating.
Wait a minute.
Eve's dating someone? Who knows? And, you know, to be honest, Parkinson's isn't awesome.
Well, wait a minute.
That's the first I'm hearing of this.
But how can I get mad at a disease? It's out of my control, so I channel my frustration - into the co-op board.
- Oh, I get it.
You go nuts there, - so you don't have to go nuts here.
- Exactly.
Well, in that case, why don't I stay president? And you can be the puppet master.
We'll be like a banana republic.
Ooh, so then I get to call the shots, - but everybody will complain to you? - Exactly.
[GASPS.]
- I backed into that one.
- Yeah, you did.
The returner struck again! - Returned the suit this morning.
- Happens to the best of us.
For the record, Dennis, you're not one of the best of us.
I'm okay with losing the commission.
I thought that I was a shark and I could just throw myself into business.
I thought that was the dream, but it's not.
Do you know what the greatest dream is? The one with Scarlett Johansson wearing a bra made of pizza.
No, it's love, gentlemen.
I thought I could put Reese behind me and live life without love.
But even if it hurts sometimes, I'm gonna keep on chasing it.
Wait, wait.
Who's Reese? And is she hot? No, no.
Dude, I called her! EVE: Uh, neither of you guys could get her.
- Trust me.
- Uh, is that Reese? - I called you.
- Gross.
What are you doing here? - Just trying to beat that father's day rush.
- Thanks.
IAN: They say it's about the journey and not the destination.
- For you, Mr.
President.
- Aw.
- Thank you.
- That's so sweet.
Does loyalty mean nothing to you? IAN: Sometimes the journey takes you far out of your way.
Good morning, guys.
I'm just here to pick up Mike for work.
It's Saturday, Harris.
IAN: Sometimes it leads to a totally different place than you expected.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
So I had my meeting date with Jeremy.
Jeremy, sounds like a nurse.
So it turns out he is interested in me and my book.
I had to make a tough choice.
But in the end, I chose book.
He's gonna help me sell "Mane Attraction.
" - That is so great! - I know.
Smart move, very savvy.
You know, maybe I won't go into work today.
Again, it's Saturday.
- Hey, who wants cereal? - Oh, I'll get the dust buster.
Oh, not necessary, I figured it out.
The secret is just more bowls.
IAN: But if I've learned one thing from my journey, it's that I like girls who are as comfortable on the dance floor as they are on the hiking trail.
You cannot put all of that in your dating profile.
Well, it's the first time I ever wrote one of these.
Well, at least lose the picture of you windsurfing.
I look sporty there, don't I? Damn it, you know I have body image issues! [MAN LAUGHING.]