The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Merger

The Stamford branch is closing, and everybody's just packing up their stuff.
Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.
That's the other thing you have to watch out Yo, Tuna.
I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.
Yeah? So what's he like? Likes, dislikes, favorite sports, favorite movies, favorite men's magazines.
You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Playing your cards close to the vest.
I get it.
Good luck over there, Tuna.
Cross me and I will destroy you.
Sounds good, Andy.
This is gonna be an adventure.
Yes, this is going to be very interesting.
All right, I'm out of here.
See you later? Bro.
Hey, is that Josh's computer? What? Hey! Hey! How'd the run go? Pretty good.
I finished.
That's great.
Yes.
Why is that great? Because he accomplished something.
What was your mile time? About seven.
I could beat that on a skateboard.
Well, that has wheels.
Yeah, well, my feet don't, and I can still crush that time.
Really, Dwight? How fast are you? Let's just put it this way.
Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake.
Really? I am fast.
To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose.
And a panther.
Man, what is taking Toby so long? Oh, I'll just time him later.
And you'll compare the times? Yeah.
Are you ready? Set, go! No, my groin's really tight, I can't Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know.
I did just make him run around the building, and I have no intention of timing him.
This isn't even a stopwatch.
It's a digital thermometer.
He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose.
Like, he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company.
Hey, three more laps to go! You gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby! I should probably get back to work.
Here.
Who's here? Nametag? Yes, please.
Karen Filippelli.
Karen Karen a-Filippelli! Probably Italian.
Possibly Filipina.
Okay My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch.
Or as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size.
And that's all I'm gonna say about it, because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me, and I have to get into my head and focus.
Who's next? That's Andy Bernard.
Andy Bernard.
If I were you St.
Bernard.
I would fire Anthony Gardner What? before noon I'm not to consolidate power.
I'm not firing somebody on the first day.
No, no, not somebody.
Gardner! The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived.
I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die.
I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Good morning! Got the food, good! Looky, looky, looky.
What I want you to do Set it up in the conference room, please.
Make it look nice, as if you were trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league.
Okay.
Yes, I'm in a good mood today.
I'm excited to meet all of the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely.
That's always a thing that makes people happy, to have an old friend back.
Hello? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Our first arrival.
Welcome to Scranton.
This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr! Hannah Smoterich-Barr! Welcome to our humble abode.
Follow me to your desk.
Your ball-and-chain is right over here.
You know, a lot of these people, this is the only family they have.
So, as far as I'm concerned, this says, "World's Best Dad.
" There he is! Tony What's your last name? Gardner.
Gardner! I knew that.
There you go, gift bag for you.
Okay! Thanks.
Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.
Well, they're just for guests.
If there are any left over, you can buy one later.
My bag's mostly pencils.
Well, and coupons to various hot spots around Scranton.
All right! Let me show you to your area, sir.
Come on, big guy.
Can I have your pencils? No.
Hi! Hi.
I'm Pam.
Karen.
I love your sweater.
Oh, thanks.
My mom made it for me.
Really? That's so cool.
I've always wanted to learn how to knit.
Welcome, welcome, welcome! Take me to your leader.
Oh, wait, I am your leader.
Wait, are you a robot or a Martian? I am actually your boss, Michael Scott.
Hi.
Welcome.
Wow, you are very exotic-looking.
Was your dad a GI, or I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks.
How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.
I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.
Hello.
You must be Andy Bernard.
Aloha and welcome! And you must be Michael Scott.
Aloha and hello.
Very good.
Welcome to our little kingdom.
We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom.
Mike.
Nifty! They are nifty! They're nifty gifties.
You know who I really like is this guy Andy Bernard.
He has got this very likeable way about him.
which is why they need a passing game.
Right? No way! Get him out of here.
We don't want any of this kind in here.
Good to see you, man! Wow, okay! How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you free of charge.
Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work.
Not So your desk is Hi, I'm Jim.
I'm new here.
Oh, my God, it's really you! I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met.
I know, I don't care.
Awesome! Good to be back.
The place looks really good.
It's really good to see you.
You, too.
Where do I stand with Pam? No idea.
I mean, we're friends.
Always have been friends.
That is where we stand.
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Hey, Dwight.
Fact.
I am older.
I am wiser.
Do not mess with me.
Okay, sounds good.
What are you doing? I don't know what you're talking about.
Do I have a smudge on my forehead? No, you look good.
Why are you looking at my forehead? I'm not.
Meet my eye line, Jim! I am.
Stop acting like an idiot! Okay.
Hey, buddy.
Welcome back.
Hey.
How are you, man? Good to see you.
I'm good.
How are you? So Oh, I'm sorry, are you sitting here now? Yeah.
Unless you really, really want it back.
You know, man, it's really your call.
Cool, thank you.
Let me get that for you.
Got it? This one taken? No? Good.
Yeah, Jim is a nice guy.
That's why I got the desk.
Michael Scott, thank you.
I appreciate it, Mike.
All right.
Hello.
I don't believe we've been introduced.
Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy Bernard, Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
So you'll be reporting to me, then.
On the contrary.
My title has "manager" in it.
And I'm a director.
Which, on a film set, is the highest title there is.
Do you know anything about film? I know everything about film.
I've seen over 240 of them.
Congratulations.
Hey, Toby.
Hey, Jim.
How are you, man? Oh, really good! I just wanted to say hi.
How are you? Hey, welcome back.
Oh, is that, like, your new thing, or No, I'm sorry, that's No, that's cool.
No, it's nothing, we'll just All right.
Good to be back.
So Okay.
All right.
All right.
Sorry about that.
No problem.
It was What? Nothing.
"I present the orientation video.
" We need to talk.
Not now.
Which is higher, Assistant Regional Manager, or Regional Director in Charge of Sales? I told you the titles are irrelevant.
They just relate to pay scale.
Okay, so who gets paid more, me or Andy? It is not a matter of more or less.
Your pay is just different, okay? All right! Showtime, part one.
Okay, who reports to who? I don't care, Dwight! You all report to me.
That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, okay? And then if I want Work it out amongst yourselves, please! I have a company to run.
Will you let me run the company? I One Will you? Please? Jim! Kelly! Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you! Really? Yes.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri, and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh.
And both babies are amazing! Great.
What's new with you? I just told you.
Okay, everybody settled in? Good.
Why don't we all proceed into the conference room, or should I say the banquet hall? For Drum roll, please.
The official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast.
Come on in! Don't be shy.
Hey, champagne.
No, no, guests only.
Smoked salmon! No, for the guests it is, for you, consider it cow meat.
Strictly taboo.
I eat beef.
Well, then, consider it poisoned beef.
It's no touchee.
The beef is poisoned? No, it's not beef! Just Sit down, please.
Welcome, help yourself.
You might want these orientation materials.
Wrong, Toby, this is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.
Okay, do not worry.
All of your questions are about to be answered.
Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Oh, this looks promising.
You won't be disappointed.
Let's face it, moving to a new job can be very stressful, so I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers.
But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen.
It's funny.
It's got a little bit of a zing to it.
And I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin, and what we're all about here in Scranton.
So let's just all laugh together.
And watch Sittin' in my office With a plate of grilled bacon Call my man Dwight Just to see what was shakin'! Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty So check out how we live In the Electric City! They call it Scranton! What? The Electric City! Scranton! What? The Electric City! Call Poison Control if you're bit by a spider! But check that it's covered By your healthcare provider! It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day, The Scranton Witch Project.
I am so scared when people don't label their personal food.
You like coalmines and you wanna see 'em? Well, check it out, yo the Anthracite Museum Plenty of space in the parkin' lot! But the little cars go in the compact spot! Spot! Spot! Spot! Well, so far, I think it is killing.
I thought it would either be an A or an A-plus, but I completely forgot that there is an A-plus-plus.
What? This is Karen Filippelli, please leave a message.
Terrible.
Totally unconvincing.
This is Karen Filippelli, please leave a message.
Not bad.
But you are Italian, so try it more Italian.
This is Karen a-Filippelli, please leave-a me the message.
You feel good? All right.
Karen Filippelli.
Hey, buddy.
Anything new to report? Do you mean, to me from you? 'Cause that's how it works.
Sure thing, buddy.
Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes.
Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes.
Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there laying on the charm.
Hey, Angela.
Check this out.
It's my new screensaver.
Do you like it? I do like it, actually.
Thank you.
You have such a pretty smile, by the way.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey.
Hey.
What happened to grape soda? Oh, yeah, I'm trying to move away from that.
Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
You've changed so much.
Well, I'm evolving, Pam.
So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked, or You wanna grab a coffee or something after work? Tonight, actually? No, I'm just still getting settled, so Oh, yeah, no, you know, whenever.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry to interrupt, I Nope, you're not interrupting anything.
Nope, I'm Don't.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
I should probably get back to work.
Crack the whip.
All right.
Yeah, I know, me, too.
The day's going fine.
It's been a little chaotic, but it's fine.
It's great.
A lot of distractions, but it's good.
Take a picture, it'll last longer.
I'm sorry, it's just It's a little distracting.
Ditto that, my brother.
Look what's on his computer! What is that, a squid's eye, or It's my left breast.
How did you Right place at the right time.
Oh, what's that smell? What smell? There must be an air freshener plugged in somewhere.
It smells like a funeral home.
Oh, I'll help you find it.
You know what, never mind.
What is it? I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
My perfume? It's just my crazy nose.
I'm used to different smells.
Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando.
It's made from real pine.
Who's Bob Vance? You've a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.
I don't know who these new people think they are.
I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years.
Never said a word.
People hate people that are different from them.
That's natural.
But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show.
That is why I created the integration celebration.
This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one, united in applause.
I know a lot of you must be thinking, "Wow, what a day.
"It feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.
" Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out, a night at the Roxbury.
Okay, there's supposed to be music, and it's I got it, I got it, Dwight! Just Do you have batteries in there? Stupid What is love? That's it! Yes, yes! Okay.
Here we go.
Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more Don't hurt me no more Let it rock, baby! What is love? Baby don't hurt me Here we go, here we go! Don't hurt me no more Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
You and me! You and me! Me and you! You and me! You and me! You! You! You! You! You and me! You! You! Oh, my nose is so itchy.
Why is my nose so itchy? Probably because of all the nose candy.
Okay.
I told you these guys had a sense of humor.
Very funny, Michael! Okay.
Really funny, Michael! All right, all right, all right, I'm on a roll.
Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Shouldn't we be equals? Not today, no.
Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table, if you would.
This is difficult for me.
Hey, I understand, we're all friends.
No, I mean, I can't physically.
I can't get on the table.
Oh, well Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.
Okay? You know what? I'll help.
I will help.
No, please.
Don't Don't be shy.
Dwight, let's do this.
Come on, we're doing this thing.
Ready? On three.
One Let's get up.
Bend at the knees.
Okay.
Here we go! Here we go! I'm under this.
I'm under this hock here.
I don't know what I'm grabbing here! All right, all right! Stop! Put me down! But it feels good.
Push it, push it! I'm right in your crack! No, put me down right now! Don't give up! You got it, man! Put me down right now! I've had enough! Put me down right now! You got it, you got it! Wait, wait, wait, okay, okay, okay.
Easy.
Hey, easy.
I'm sorry! Don't It's just not going to work for me.
I have to go.
I don't understand.
I was on the fence about this, and it's just not a good fit.
Well, we'll squeeze you in! I can't work here.
I have to quit.
You can't quit on the first day! That's heresy, my friend! Okay, let's talk about this.
What happened? I mean, what Was it Toby? Did he say something? 'Cause he's No, Toby was helpful.
He was very kind.
It's just your management style.
My management style? So Didn't you think Lazy Scranton was funny? No.
Was it supposed to be funny? Okay, well Don't bother quitting, because you're fired.
Excuse me? You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk! But there's nothing in my desk except coupons.
Don't try to apologize to me, man.
It's too late! Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you! That was my advice.
Remember, I'm the one who suggested that you fire him! Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.
And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would none be an accurate estimate? None advice? Fire Andy.
Fire Andy.
Dwight may have won the battle, but I will win the next battle.
Tony was right.
This environment is dysfunctional.
Well, maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Whoa, Angela, hold on.
Hooters is a restaurant with over 400 locations worldwide.
Back to work.
We don't have to get along.
We just have to work together.
No, we do have to get along.
Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King? The word "merger" comes from the word "marriage" and that was what today was supposed to be.
The loving union between people.
Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff.
And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.
Hey, hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires! What? Yeah, they punk'd us, they punk'd us good! Come on! Come on! Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration? Does he ever.
Man, they got us so bad.
We cannot let them get away with this! We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators! Yeah! Yeah? I don't think we can do that.
Go home, Toby.
Just Hey.
Why doesn't your car have a flat tire? Why? I will tell you why.
Because they saved the worst for me! They put a hate note under my windshield wiper.
Check this out, it's so hateful.
"You guys suck! "You can never pull together as one and revenge us! "That is why you suck!" For crying out loud.
No.
No, no, no, no! No, you are falling for it! You are playing right into their hands.
This is just what they want you to do! Don't, okay.
What is with this guy? Got an hour? I'll try to explain.
This is egregious! This is egregious! Trust me, it only gets worse.
Is he always like this? Sometimes he brings more costumes.
When do people work? We find little times during the day.
How are we gonna get home? Bob Vance has an air pump.
He said he'd fill all our tires up.
Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
See that? Mission accomplished.
They're like a bunch of fourth graders.
Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady.
Although, that'll change! Because by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.
Jell-O.
Hi, Jan.
Michael! Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit? I did.
Major personnel crisis averted.
Compliment accepted.
Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance? Yes.
You do? But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my number two.
What? No, no, no, Jim is your number two.
What? He is the only one who has worked with both groups.
I sent you a memo about this.
Yes, I know that, for I do read the memos.
So, after a great deal of thought and introspectivtion, I have decided to make Jim my new number two.
If he even wants it.
It doesn't come with a pay raise.
No, it does, actually.
So who will be your new number three? That I have not decided yet.
Michael, I would just like to say that you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.
Thank you, Andy, that's very kind, thanks.
And I have to say that your leadership has brought Shut it.
Shut it.
That's Suck-up.
Hey, where you at, Filippelli? I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
What's wrong, you didn't have a good first day? Oh, my God! Hey, you wanna meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.
Yeah, sure.
Sounds good.
I Hey, you know what? Can I give you a call right back? Yeah.
Bye.
Okay, thanks.
Hey.
Hey! I thought you had already left.
No, I just had some other stuff I had to do.
Good.
What's up? Oh, nothing, I just feel bad.
I feel like things were a little weird today, or something.
What do you mean? I just think I should tell you that I've sort of started seeing someone.
And That's totally cool.
You can do whatever you want.
Okay, good.
We're friends.
We'll always be friends.
Right.
It's good to have you back.
Yeah, good to be back.
Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot.
What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon? Try double that.
Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle.
Please.
Yeah, my Xterra is pretty sweet.
Luxurious yet rugged.
Leave it to the Japanese.
Xterra's not even a real word.
Actually, it is, it's Latin for "earth.
" Oh, so you drive an X-earth? Yeah, that makes sense.
I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an X-earth.
Yeah, I bet you would.
Oh, by the way, 1985 called.
It wants its car back.
Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87.
Speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die? That was a really well-constructed sentence.
You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.
Idiot! If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
If you were driving a Trans Am, you'd be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Idiot! You're the idiot.
Nice comeback.
I was making fun of your comeback.
That's why it worked.
I totally got the best of that interchange.