The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Traveling Salesmen / The Return

What? That was a voicemail that corporate left last night.
They did not get our tax forms.
Did you send them? They arrived this morning.
Are you sure? It is a big deal if Is it a big deal? Is it, Kevin? Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
Five of us transferred from Stamford.
There's two of us left.
Me and Karen.
It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one.
Well, guess what? I'm not falling in a chocolate river.
Everything okay? It's fine.
You are in the clear.
Thank you.
I don't want those.
Dwight, care to join us? Finally.
Thank you.
Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce.
Get it, Michael? Yes.
Here is the dream team.
My sales dream team.
Today we are going to team up for sales calls.
Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Well, let me think about this for a minute.
Oh, I don't know.
Michael Scott? PhD.
Doctor of sales.
Well, I appreciate that.
That's very gracious of you.
Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Well, thank you, sir.
Okay, now going by seniority.
Phyllis, our resident senior.
We're the same age.
And I'll pick Karen.
Oh, thanks.
Next up, the Super Fly himself, Stanley.
You can't pass.
You gotta pick somebody.
I'll take the kid.
I'm very flattered.
I was his second choice after pass.
So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Okay, wait.
Does anyone want to trade? Yeah, I'll trade.
Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time.
In fact, I have a picture to remember that time.
Oh, young Jim.
There's just so much I need to warn you about and yet, tragically, I cannot.
Sebring by Chrysler.
A heck of a motor carriage.
Dwight! Yeah? Here you go.
Yeah! You want shirts on hangers? Please.
He does your laundry? Long story.
All right, everybody, circle up! Here we go.
You know what this is? This is The Amazing Race.
And you guys are retired Marines, and you guys are the mother-daughter, and you guys are the gay couple, and we are the firefighter heroes.
Are we ready to go? Wait.
Amazing Race, like, the biggest sale wins? No.
We're just gonna rush out, do the sales thing and come back.
Is there a prize? Just bragging rights.
Then how is this Amazing Race? It's just It's Amazing Race, Phyllis, okay? We're in teams of two and we're on a mission.
All right.
So, on your mark.
Get set.
Let's do it.
Come on! Michael Do you have a pole? Let's go get a broom.
Seriously, are you gonna sit in the back? Yeah.
It's the safest part of a car.
In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.
Here we go.
In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally.
In this case, Michael.
And here's the good news.
Every success I've ever had in my job or with the lady folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.
What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry? That is a long story.
A couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job.
And I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
That is a long story, but quite well told, Michael.
I find it very interesting.
Especially the part about Dwight going behind your back and basically being, like, a terrible person.
You know, if you want your laundry done right, I used to work at Abercrombie, so Pretty good folder.
Hey, Pam.
Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee? Really? Yeah.
I thought you could use some fresh air and it might be fun.
Why are we turning in here? This is a beauty salon.
Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after? You want the lead? Yeah, if you don't mind.
Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
Leave the keys.
You still do that thing? Leave the keys.
I think that you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton.
It's really a pleasure to be a part of it.
It's like everyone has their own special skill, you know.
Just like the Super Friends.
Except for Dwight, who's kind of more of a Super Dud.
I mean, he'd be a Super Friend if there was a Super Friend whose super power was always being late.
You know? Hawkman.
My plan is taking longer than I thought, but I don't give up easily.
I have walked two marathons, so Let's go.
The men's room was disgusting.
After you, sir.
No, thank you.
I never let anyone walk behind me.
Seven out of 10 attacks are from the rear.
Well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.
Yeah, but it'll be easier to stop.
I can always block the blow.
Or I can counter it Angela, you seem so happy.
I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
This friend of mine Let's call her "Noel.
" She missed this deadline turning something into corporate in New York.
But then this gallant gentleman, we'll call him "Kurt.
" He drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her.
That's I don't know.
I guess he just really likes her a lot.
Well, that's great.
Yes, it is.
Hello? Hey.
Did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack? Yeah.
You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad and I never caught anything that big.
I caught an 80-pound shark off Montauk.
That's in the Hamptons.
My dad's got a 42-foot Bayliner.
Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's- nest.
Also shot a deer once.
You know what? Let's get right down to it.
Dunder Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hard work and decency.
Okay, this is the classic undersell.
Because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin.
We trade on the New York Stock Exchange.
Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
I have to say I'm a little wary of getting involved with a big company.
We've had some problems in the past.
And I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Man, that is like poetry.
I swear.
This guy could sell paper to a tree stump.
I'm so sorry, man.
I really screwed that up.
I really No.
Don't worry about it.
I really Schruted it.
What? I Schruted it.
It's just this thing people say around your office all the time.
Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you Schruted it.
I don't know where it comes from, though.
You think it comes from Dwight Schrute? I don't know.
Who knows how words are formed.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
This is Pam.
I did? Yeah, I did a watercolor of Francis Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having.
They were calling with the results.
And I won.
I won.
My painting won! So I'd like to thank my mom for always encouraging me.
And I'd like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils.
And I'd like to thank the sixth-grade class that picked me.
It's a big order.
Thanks, Ken.
Yeah, thank you.
Hey, how's Annie? She's great.
This is us last year in Bermuda.
Lovely place.
You ever been to Bermuda? Stanley Hudson.
Julius, how's it going? Great, great, great.
Stanley, so good to see you.
You, too.
I'd like you fellows to meet Ryan Howard.
I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword puzzle.
Hello, Ryan.
What do you have for us? We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra premium laser.
Can I use your phone? Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer.
Namely, we know that tax season's coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
We have discount prices on ink cartridges.
And also any forms that you're gonna need Seven.
we can custom make them.
Hey, Kev, guess what? I won an art contest today.
How much did you win? $100.
I won 400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
It was so sweet.
And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" You sounded like my niece.
And she's six months old! Well, I appreciate what you guys are saying, but it makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
That's true.
We can't compete with their prices.
But let me ask you something.
How important to you is customer service? Very.
Please keep holding.
Your call is very important to us.
That's one of the big guys.
Been on hold this whole time.
And this is Dunder Mifflin.
Dunder Mifflin customer service.
This is Kelly.
Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Oh, my God! Jim! How are you? I wanted to tell you Here's my card.
It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number.
I never take vacations.
I never get sick.
And I don't celebrate any major holidays.
All right.
I get it.
We got a deal.
All right.
Hey, Angela, I got good news today, too.
I won an art contest.
That's great, Pam.
I like having these little moments with you.
You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
I would like to offer you the dominant male.
His name is Ash.
I don't think so.
But thanks.
My building manager is You understand.
Well then, have a nice day.
That was fun.
I really enjoy spending time with you.
You're a very nice person.
Thank you.
I'm so glad you're with Jim.
He was hung-up on Pam for such a long time.
I didn't think he'd ever get over her.
That's nice.
You can pay me back later for the makeover.
Hey, boss.
Got a minute? Yes, Andy.
I forget.
Why did Dwight say he was late this morning? He didn't say.
That's weird.
Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a toll booth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning.
So Why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? You think he went to see Jan? That's not like him, is it? Someone told me a story about this With like laundry and betrayal.
Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something? No.
You are remembering it wrong.
Dwight betrayed me once before.
So this is his strike two.
You know what they say? "Fool me once, strike one.
"But fool me twice, "strike three.
" Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with.
And where it asks to state your business, he wrote, "Beeswax Not Yours Incorporated.
" I knew it.
Oh, doggie.
Hey, you wanna grab a coffee? Sure.
Look at you.
Beesly, coffee? No, thanks, I had some already.
All right.
But, hey, Jim.
Yeah? I won an art contest today.
No way! Yeah.
All right, Pam.
Which one was it? I sent them one of my watercolors.
It was a new one I did.
Are you ready, Jim? Yeah.
Can I see it when I get back? Yeah.
Big deal.
Hey! We nailed the sale.
Where were you this morning? I overslept.
Damn rooster didn't crow.
Why do you lie, liar? I'm not a liar.
You are lying right now.
Sure seems like he's lying.
Stay out of this, you! I know that you went to corporate this morning.
And I know that you lied about it.
And given our history, I need you to tell me right now exactly what you were doing this morning.
Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there.
But you have to trust me.
I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Okay, you know what? I want you to think about your future at this company.
I want you to think about it long and hard.
That's what she said.
Don't Don't you dare.
I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
It's gonna be okay.
How's it gonna be okay, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Well, that's not the worst thing in the world.
I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love.
It won't be that bad.
Look at Kelly and Ryan.
I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
So, let me ask you a question.
Did you ever have a thing for Pam? Pam? Did I ever have a thing for her? No.
Why? Did she say something? I moved here from Connecticut.
Okay, here's the I had a crush on her before I left.
And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way.
So it didn't amount to anything and I left.
I'm really glad you're here.
Okay? Okay.
May I have your attention, please? This will only take a moment of your time.
"Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, "I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family.
"I do not fear the unknown.
"I will meet my new challenges head on and I will succeed.
"And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me.
"It's been a pleasure working with some of you "and I will not forget those of you soon.
"But remember, while today it is me, "we all shall fall.
" In other words, I'm quitting, so Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dawesome Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome Why was he gone? He was such a nice guy No, he was not He was a total douche Doompa-dee-doom I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott.
Just take it.
Except this.
Good luck.
And this one.
Dwight will be missed.
Not by me so much, but he will be missed.
Dwight from sales was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.
One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair.
And today, that dream was shattered.
Hey, man.
What happened on your sales call? Am I happy about the way things turned out? Oh, "Happy's" such an ugly word, but I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled.
So, it's pretty Hello? Pretty good.
I have left Dunder Mifflin after many record-breaking years, and I'm officially on the job market and it's very exciting.
For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts.
Professional resume, athletic and special skills resume and Dwight Schrute trivia.
I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
How would I describe myself? Three words.
Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer.
Merciless, insatiable.
There's nothing on my horizon except everything.
Everything is on my horizon.
I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search.
And it's fine for the time being.
Break's over.
Big Turkey? He rocks in the treetop all a day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song All the little birds on Is that you singing? All four parts.
Recorded it on my computer.
Took me forever.
Nice job.
Thank you muchly.
Oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock tonight Every little swallow You gonna answer it? Every little bird in the tall oak tree I called it myself.
Just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.
Side note, just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience.
So here's to the future, Andy and the Tuna.
Andy and the Tuna Oh, what a duo, magical Andy and the Tuna I miss Dwight.
Congratulations, universe, you win.
Yes, Dwight Schrute has left the company.
More personnel turnover.
Cost of doing business.
Yeah, well, it is a big loss.
Dwight was the top salesman.
Was the top salesman.
I said "was.
" Right, addition by subtraction.
What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Yeah, you're right.
But there is some good news.
Oscar is back, addition by addition.
So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back, and hopefully, that'll lift everyone's spirits.
Hi, everyone.
Oh, hello, Oscar.
How was your gaycation? That's very funny.
Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds after you left.
Hi, Angela.
Hey, boss.
Hey, what's up? Nothing.
TGI Wednesday.
Am I right? Yep.
Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.
What're you doing later? You wanna hang out? Oh, I don't know, maybe.
Well, I'll take that as a maybe.
Where're you going? Bathroom.
Oh, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.
Things are going pretty good.
Getting a lot of face time with the boss.
Oscar, I have a question.
Would you like to join the Party Planning Committee? The committee with all the women? Yeah.
Because I'm gay? No, no.
Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things, and I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired.
And I would just like to make some changes about certain things.
And certain situations and certain accounts.
Okay, okay.
All right, all right, I'll join.
I'd love to.
That's Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I join, too? Never.
You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Child's play.
Give me something hard to sell.
Wow, what is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew if they stopped watering it? Yeah.
Oh, you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk, too.
They always used to arrange the toys on my desk in a very pleasing way.
It used to brighten my morning.
Oh, that wasn't the night crew.
That was Dwight.
Really? That was very nice of him.
We need more attitude like that around this office.
Feel you, dawg.
Yeah, do you? Absolutely.
What did I say? You said Which is like Right on.
Pam was like, "Blah, blah, blah," and you're like, "Yeah.
" Nailed it.
Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow.
Seems smart enough.
Likes me a lot.
A lot? Too much.
Like a crazy person a little.
Not super crazy, just There's something about him that creeps me out.
I can't really explain it.
He's always up in my biznezz, which is Ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.
I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.
I really have no preference.
We don't even have to have a party.
No, hey.
Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Of course we're going to have a party.
The celebration of Oscar.
Oscar night.
And I wanted to be Oscar specific.
Michael No.
No, I mean, not because you're gay.
Your gayness does not define you.
Your Mexicanness is what defines you to me.
And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity.
So, Phyllis, I want you to go find firecrackers and a Chihuahua.
Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, Michael? Would that be good? A burro.
Of course, if Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.
Need any help? Oh, no, thank you.
I'm just looking.
I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Think I could go for some tuna fish right about now.
Got my rod here.
Click, click, click, click.
Click, click, click, click.
Click, click, click, click.
Hey, so Andy is in rare form today.
Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me.
We gotta do something.
Look, I've got like 15 new clients that I've inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature, so I'm sorry.
I can't.
Party pooper.
Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Mar-something? Andy is like Mar-something.
Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.
Hey, guys.
How's the workload? All of Dwight's old accounts.
Handling it okay? Sort of.
He had a lot of clients.
Yes, he did.
Have any of you talked to Dwight? Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Really? No.
Don't do that.
It's not nice.
What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
No, sorry.
Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality.
And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.
Really coming down out there.
The commute's gonna be hell.
I have snow tires and chains, plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
So, where were you working before this? Dunder Mifflin.
What kind of company is that? Paper company.
We're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
I never heard of them.
Oh, really? Have you heard of paper? It's gonna be like that, huh? I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady, little eyes.
That's all I got to say on the matter.
In your head in your head Zombie, Zombie Zombie In your head Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? I'm kind of in the middle Yes, please.
Okay, good.
Stay right here.
Zombie In your head Sorry about that.
Oh, smooth move, Tuna.
Nice one.
Are there any messages? No.
So weird.
Nice to have Oscar back.
He rocks in the treetop all a day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device? No.
'Cause someone is calling right now.
There is a call.
well you really gonna rock tonight Every little swallow Angela.
Is everything okay? No.
He rocks in the treetop What's going on? What're you talking about? Where is my freaking phone? Love to hear the robin goin' You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
You know what? Maybe you're in the ceiling.
I don't trust you, Phyllis.
Every little swallow, every chickadee I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he had to drive to New York to drop off the quarterly tax forms that I forgot to send.
Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why.
Because Dwight loves this company.
Do you think that anyone else out there would've driven to corporate for you? None of them.
Especially not Andy.
Oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock tonight Pam, I have a mission to accomplish.
Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday.
You, me, bar, beers, buzzed.
Wings, shots, drunk.
Waitresses, hot.
Football, Cornell, Hofstra.
Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
I don't wanna do any of that.
Which is why I was joking about doing it.
No, just stop.
Just stop doing it.
You're going to drive me crazy.
Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet.
Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
Excuse me.
He rocks in the treetop all a day long And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them.
Here's a little news flash.
It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! Every little swallow, every chickadee God! The wise old owl and the big black crow Flapping them wings That was an overreaction.
Gonna hit the break room.
Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good? Yeah.
Sure? Okay.
Well, that question is meaningless.
Just go with the copy paper, it's your funeral.
See how that works out for you.
What's up? Same old.
It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and I am that big man.
Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Oh, my God, she told you? Yes, she did.
And, Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly, I misjudged you from the beginning.
And I apologize.
How's this place treating you? My boss isn't funny.
I don't get to wear my ties.
So So maybe you should come back.
You should come back.
I don't wanna do your laundry anymore.
We can talk about that.
All right.
Oh, my God.
That's half-inch dry wall.
I think we broke his brain.
"It's not freaking funny!" You really enjoying your fiesta? Actually, yeah.
I didn't think I would but turns out it's great.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr.
Dwight Schrute.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand.
You're gonna break it.
Not bad, huh? You did this for me? Guilty.
Do you still have feelings for her? Yes.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale.
Sir, would you do the honor? Oh, man.
No, no, no, no.
I don't need it.
It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did.
The important thing is, I learned something.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career.
I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training.
Anger management, technically, but still, management material.
This whole thing's supposed to take I expect to be done in five.
How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles.
So don't worry about old Andy Bernard.
I'll be back.
Just like Rambo.
Oh, hi, you must be Andy.
Oh, hi.
Yes, I am, and you must be Marcy.
That's right, it's so good to meet you.
It's so good to meet you.
Well, you ready to have some fun? Yeah.