The Office (US) s03e14 Episode Script

The Return

DWIGHT: I have left Dunder Mifflin after many record-breaking years, and I'm officially on the job market and it's very exciting.
For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts.
Professional resume, athletic and special skills resume and Dwight Schrute trivia.
DWIGHT: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
How would I describe myself? Three words.
Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer.
Merciless, insatiable.
There's nothing on my horizon except everything.
Everything is on my horizon.
I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search.
And it's fine for the time being.
(WATCH BEEPING) Break's over.
Big Turkey? (MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE) He rocks in the treetop all a day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song All the little birds on Is that you singing? All four parts.
Recorded it on my computer.
JIM: Wow.
Took me forever.
Nice job.
Thank you muchly.
Oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock tonight Every little swallow You gonna answer it? Every little bird in the tall oak tree I called it myself.
Just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.
Yikes.
Side note, just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
Cool.
I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience.
So here's to the future, Andy and the Tuna.
(SINGING) Andy and the Tuna Oh, what a duo, magical Andy and the Tuna I miss Dwight.
Congratulations, universe, you win.
Yes, Dwight Schrute has left the company.
More personnel turnover.
Cost of doing business.
Right, addition by subtraction.
What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Yeah, you're right.
But there is some good news.
Oscar is back, addition by addition.
So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back, and hopefully, that'll lift everyone's spirits.
Hi, everyone.
Oh, hello, Oscar.
How was your gaycation? That's very funny.
Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds after you left.
Hi, Angela.
Oscar.
Hey, boss.
MICHAEL: Hey, what's up? Nothing.
Man.
TGI Wednesday.
Am I right? Yep.
Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.
What're you doing later? You wanna hang out? Oh, I don't know, maybe.
Well, I'll take that as a maybe.
Where're you going? Bathroom.
Oh, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.
Things are going pretty good.
Getting a lot of face time with the boss.
Oscar, I have a question.
Would you like to join the Party Planning Committee? The committee with all the women? Yeah.
Because I'm gay? No, no.
Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things, and I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired.
And I would just like to make some changes about certain things.
And certain situations and certain accounts.
Okay, okay.
All right, all right, I'll join.
I'd love to.
That's Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I join, too? Never.
You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Child's play.
Give me something hard to sell.
Wow, what is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew if they stopped watering it? Yeah.
Oh, you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk, too.
They always used to arrange the toys on my desk in a very pleasing way.
It used to brighten my morning.
Oh, that wasn't the night crew.
That was Dwight.
Really? That was very nice of him.
We need more attitude like that around this office.
Feel you, dawg.
Yeah, do you? Absolutely.
What did I say? You said (MUMBLING) Which is like Right on.
Pam was like, "Blah, blah, blah," and you're like, "Yeah.
" (EXCLAIMS) Nailed it.
Wow.
Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow.
Seems smart enough.
Likes me a lot.
A lot? Too much.
Like a crazy person a little.
Not super crazy, just There's something about him that creeps me out.
I can't really explain it.
He's always up in my biznezz, which is Ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.
I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.
I really have no preference.
We don't even have to have a party.
No, hey.
Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Of course we're going to have a party.
The celebration of Oscar.
Oscar night.
And I wanted to be Oscar specific.
Michael No.
No, I mean, not because you're gay.
Your gayness does not define you.
Your Mexicanness is what defines you to me.
And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity.
So, Phyllis, I want you to go find firecrackers and a Chihuahua.
Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, Michael? Would that be good? A burro.
Of course, if Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.
Need any help? Oh, no, thank you.
I'm just looking.
Great.
I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Think I could go for some tuna fish right about now.
Got my rod here.
(MIMICKING FISHING ROD) Click, click, click, click.
Click, click, click, click.
Click, click, click, click.
(GRUNTING) Hey.
Hey.
Hey, so Andy is in rare form today.
Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me.
We gotta do something.
Look, I've got like 15 new clients that I've inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature, so I'm sorry.
I can't.
Fine.
Party pooper.
(GRUNTING) MICHAEL: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Mar-something? Andy is like Mar-something.
Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.
185-pounder.
Check it out.
Hey, guys.
How's the workload? All of Dwight's old accounts.
Handling it okay? Sort of.
He had a lot of clients.
Yes, he did.
Have any of you talked to Dwight? Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Really? No.
Don't do that.
It's not nice.
What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
No, sorry.
Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality.
And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.
Really coming down out there.
The commute's gonna be hell.
I have snow tires and chains, plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
So, where were you working before this? Dunder Mifflin.
What kind of company is that? Paper company.
We're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
I never heard of them.
Oh, really? Have you heard of paper? It's gonna be like that, huh? I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady, little eyes.
That's all I got to say on the matter.
(SINGING) In your head in your head Zombie, Zombie Zombie In your head Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? I'm kind of in the middle Yes, please.
Okay, good.
Stay right here.
Zombie In your head Sorry about that.
Oh, smooth move, Tuna.
Nice one.
Are there any messages? No.
So weird.
Nice to have Oscar back.
Yeah.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE) He rocks in the treetop all a day long Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device? No.
'Cause someone is calling right now.
There is a call.
well you really gonna rock tonight Every little swallow Angela.
Is everything okay? No.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) He rocks in the treetop What's going on? What're you talking about? Where is my freaking phone? Love to hear the robin goin' You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
You know what? Maybe you're in the ceiling.
Okay.
ANDY: I don't trust you, Phyllis.
Every little swallow, every chickadee I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he had to drive to New York to drop off the quarterly tax forms that I forgot to send.
Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why.
Because Dwight loves this company.
Do you think that anyone else out there would've driven to corporate for you? None of them.
Especially not Andy.
Oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock tonight Pam, I have a mission to accomplish.
Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday.
You, me, bar, beers, buzzed.
Wings, shots, drunk.
Waitresses, hot.
Football, Cornell, Hofstra.
Slaughter.
Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
No.
I don't wanna do any of that.
Duh.
Which is why I was joking about doing it.
No, just stop.
Stop.
Just stop doing it.
You're going to drive me crazy.
Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet.
Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Excuse me.
He rocks in the treetop all a day long And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them.
Here's a little news flash.
It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! Every little swallow, every chickadee God! (GRUNTS) The wise old owl and the big black crow Flapping them wings That was an overreaction.
Gonna hit the break room.
Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good? Yeah.
Sure? Okay.
DWIGHT: Well, that question is meaningless.
Just go with the copy paper, it's your funeral.
See how that works out for you.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up? Same old.
It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and I am that big man.
Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Oh, my God, she told you? Yes, she did.
And, Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly, I misjudged you from the beginning.
And I apologize.
Accepted.
How's this place treating you? My boss isn't funny.
I don't get to wear my ties.
No.
Sure.
So So maybe you should come back.
You should come back.
Please.
I don't wanna do your laundry anymore.
We can talk about that.
All right.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Oh, my God.
That's half-inch dry wall.
I think we broke his brain.
JIM: "It's not freaking funny!" You really enjoying your fiesta? Actually, yeah.
I didn't think I would but turns out it's great.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr.
Dwight Schrute.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand.
You're gonna break it.
Not bad, huh? You did this for me? Guilty.
Hey.
Do you still have feelings for her? Yes.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale.
Sir, would you do the honor? Oh, man.
No, no, no, no.
I don't need it.
(YELLING) MICHAEL: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did.
The important thing is, I learned something.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career.
I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training.
Anger management, technically, but still, management material.
This whole thing's supposed to take 10 weeks.
I expect to be done in five.
How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles.
So don't worry about old Andy Bernard.
I'll be back.
Just like Rambo.
Oh, hi, you must be Andy.
Oh, hi.
Yes, I am, and you must be Marcy.
That's right, it's so good to meet you.
It's so good to meet you.
Thanks.
Well, you ready to have some fun? Yeah.