The Office (US) s03e15 Episode Script

Ben Franklin

Hello, Son.
If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead.
Life is a How do you know it's gonna be a boy? How Would you stop interrupting, please? Yesterday, I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock.
And when I came to, I had an epiphery.
Life is precious.
And if I die, I want my son to know the dealio.
The dealio of life.
Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.
To jump-start a car, first, pop the hood.
Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine.
Then, you take these and clip them wherever.
Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
What We will demonstrate on Pam.
And No.
Come on.
You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Ow! Well, you get the picture.
Thanks, Pam.
And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.
What if he's a murderer? He's not gonna be a murderer.
Maybe that's how you die? You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this or no? I wanna do this.
From the top.
Ready? Three Action.
Hello, everyone.
As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding.
So get your suits to the dry cleaners and get your hair did.
And Karen, you might wanna invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one.
This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever.
It's my job to insure that none of you look like ragamuffins.
So I am instituting prima nocta.
Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie Braveheart and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night.
So I'm sorry, I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes, which won't be hard, because it's gonna be awesome.
A lot better than hers, that's for sure.
It'll probably be on a boat.
What's up, spinsters? Nothing.
You know, this is a luncheon shower.
Girls only.
No problem.
The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse from 2:30 to 3:15.
It is the only time that Bob was available.
Sort of a guys' night out.
A G.
If you will.
A gno.
Actually, it's more of a guys' afternoon in.
A G.
A gay.
Not Not It's not gay.
It's just a It's a bridal shower for guys.
A guy shower.
An hour-long shower with guys.
I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks, but we had some really good talks and, actually now, I think that we're better than ever.
Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and every night for the last five nights.
Something's up with Jim and Karen.
Not that I've been eavesdropping.
It's not really any of my business.
But I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.
Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever.
"Hey, everybody, it's me, Jim.
" Hello, hello.
Todd Packer.
Karen Filippelli, Jim's girlfriend.
Shut up! Yep.
Shut it! That's rude.
Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight.
Yes! Yes! There What happened? What? Oh, God Quick! Somebody help! Help the man! No! No! No! I can't believe you're not gonna be there.
It's gonna be good.
It's gonna be a great bachelor party, man.
I have a full day of sales calls.
You should get out of them.
Oh, God.
It's the only time he can do it.
It's gonna be great.
We're going to be doing some darts, we're gonna be grilling up some steaks.
Got some pie, going to be very delicious.
And what kind of stripper did you get? I did not order a stripper.
What do you mean you didn't order a stripper? No You ever even been to a bachelor party? Not personally, no.
Mike, okay.
A stripper is Bachelor Party 101.
I I If you don't get a stripper, your party's gonna suck.
I can't get a stripper here.
Sexual harassment.
Get one for the girls, too.
That evens it out.
Like, you know, separate but equal.
So that's what that means.
Okay, everybody, a slight change of plans.
We are still going to be having two parties, but each is going to get a little extra dose of naughty.
All right! Okay.
What? Okay, co-ed naked strippers in this office, for realsies.
Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Shut up, Angela! Hey.
Hey! Everything okay? Oh, yeah.
Why? Well, you seem a little tired.
Yeah, well, I guess there's been a couple of late nights.
Karen and I have been up talking.
You should get more sleep.
Yeah, I know I should.
Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
No, I'm sure you're right.
When I get eight hours compared to like, six hours, it's like, big difference.
Really? Oh, yeah.
You've got to get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping better than not.
Good advice, Beesly.
See you out there? Yeah.
Don't fall asleep at your desk! Oh, my God.
We are off.
Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Absolutely not.
I'm on it.
Well, get on it and make it happen.
Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles.
No tats.
No, tats.
Of course, I want Stop.
That's disgusting.
Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
I knew you would, Nancy.
No preference.
What do you think, redhead or brunette? Blonde.
Do you have any blonde women? He hasn't even said a word yet.
Just giggling.
Got you.
Got Whoa! Yes? Are you okay? I'm in I'm in the sex shop.
Got you.
Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin or SpongeBob SquarePants.
SquarePants? Yep, SpongeBob SquarePants.
And you think that'd be sexy? Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings.
Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
Hold the door, please! Thank you.
You wearing a thong? What? Sparkling cider is very good.
I think that's champagne.
Hello, ladies.
Who, here, is a history buff? I.
Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy, Mr.
Benjamin Franklin! Thank you for that introduction, Mr.
Scott! And good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Half pants, right, Mr.
Franklin? Knickers, in fact.
He's in his knickers.
Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Well, actually, I never was President.
Yes, but Ben Franklin was.
I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the Founding Fathers And when they came over on the Mayflower.
This is the entertainment? Yeah, all right, so, I want you to give him your undivided attention.
And Mr.
If any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them, especially that one.
Have you ever seen a stripper before? Yes.
Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias.
It was one of her many aliases.
Yeah, me neither.
I'm Elizabeth.
I'm the dancer that was requested.
I specifically ordered a stripper.
I'm the stripper.
Oh, okay.
Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such.
Oh, God.
"Is she hot?" Text back, "Kind of.
" It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight Mr.
Franklin? Yes.
Do you have a girlfriend? I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like, a lot of them? Well, that is a gray area of my life.
Okay? So it was a warm June evening Look at that.
Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on? No.
Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
Oh, gross.
Okay, Ben Franklin.
Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem in his mouth! Well, that is because I am a Renaissance man.
Ben Franklin? Do you wear boxers, briefs or pantaloons? Well, you're very saucy.
Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner.
Who wants some man meat? I do! I want some man meat! Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Well, then, my man meat he shall have.
There you go.
Of course.
Here we go.
So I guess, you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, "How can I put this to practical use?" Well, I'd like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator, and he really pressured him into it.
Hey, I wanted to talk to you.
I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
What do you mean? Well, that you kissed.
And we talked it through and it's totally fine.
It's not a big deal, it's just a kiss.
But you're not still interested in him? Oh, yeah.
Really? Oh, no! I was confused by your phrasing.
You should definitely go out with Jim.
I mean, you're going out with Jim.
I'm not going out with Jim.
You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.
And I'm not into Jim.
So, well, good.
What are you sorry about? What? What are you sorry about? Nothing.
I was just thinking of something else.
Okay, the game is No-Limit Deuce-To-Seven Lowball.
Blinds 25l50.
Nickels are worth 10, dimes, 25, and quarters, 50.
Nothing wild.
I call shuffle! Here we go.
Michael Gentlemen, the entertainment is here.
Everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Hi, guys.
That's a nice outfit.
I hear there's an important meeting here.
I'm not really into strippers.
You know what I find sexy? Pam's art.
She's an artist and I appreciate that.
It's very moving and sexy, the art.
Hit it! So where's the groom? Oh, he's right there.
There he is.
Absolutely not.
That's all you, that's all you.
Okay! All right, I'll do it.
Yeah, let's do it! Let's do this thing.
Yeah? What do I Just sit on down.
All right.
All right.
Here we go.
Oh, here we go.
All right! Yes! Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice, like Tide.
What's that? You smell like Tide detergent.
Do you use Tide detergent? I have a girlfriend, so I bet she'd be jealous! Yeah, she probably Yeah, she would be.
You know what? Okay.
Excuse me.
This is sick, please.
Stop it, stop it.
Turn off the music, because this is wrong.
This is wrong! This is wrong.
I have a girlfriend.
I And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something, so Let's just clear out, okay? Shame on you.
Go back to work! Elizabeth, I want you to sit here.
When the phone rings, answer it.
You want me to answer phones with my clothes on? We hired you for three hours' work, and we're gonna get it.
I love your poster.
Thank you.
You know, I invented electricity.
I know.
Well, I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis? Yes, but I don't.
My name is Gordon.
On one hand, I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth.
On the other hand, I'm afraid she's gonna dump me.
You know, Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Really? But I kept all this from my wife, Deborah.
These things only serve to upset the women.
They are the gentler sex.
Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleazebag.
Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? "Secrets, secrets are no fun.
"Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
" Wow.
Thank you.
Care for a piece of chocolate? Chocolate? Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon, but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Who is the king of Austria? Joseph II.
Who is the king of Prussia? Friedrich Wilhelm III.
Who is the king of England? Why, the tyrant, King George, of course! I don't care what Jim says.
That is not the real Ben Franklin.
I am 99% sure.
Michael, I left a meeting.
What is so urgent? Are you Are you okay? Not really.
Look, I don't know how to say this, so I just will.
I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
When When did When, last night? No, today at work.
You went to a bachelor party at work? Yes, I kind of arranged it.
Well, I don't even think the stripper was that hot.
Did you guys think she was hot? Kelly, don't do this.
Do what? I just asked you a question.
You know what you're doing.
Anyway, you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.
Really? Looks like I hired the right guy.
I'm glad.
Any real potential there, Beesly? Yeah, right.
God, I need a boyfriend.
You know, Ryan, I'm I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends.
Oh, my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
You could strip, you know.
So you don't want to end our relationship? I'm closer to firing you.
That is so sweet.
You are the best GD girlfriend in the world.
Do you know that? I'll talk to you later.
You are.
You are.
So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin.
And, Elizabeth, the stripper, gave me great advice which rhymed.
It really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become President, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
Are you near-sighted or far-sighted? Both.
That's why I invented the bifocals.