The Office (US) s03e16 Episode Script

Phyllis' Wedding

Oh, damn.
I lost another file.
Gonna have to reboot, again.
Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid? What do you think? In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang.
So, for the past couple weeks, I've been conducting a similar experiment.
Dwight, want an Altoid? Okay.
Altoid? Sure.
Mint, Dwight? "Mint, Dwight?" Yes.
What are you doing? I What? I don't know.
I My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.
Always the bridesmaids, right, ladies? Okay, for this next one, everybody hop out.
Just Phyllis and Dad.
Actually, let's bring Mom back in and the sisters and you and you and you.
Phyllis is getting married and I am in the wedding party.
She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle.
So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride.
Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding, which I'm happy to do.
It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me.
Employer of the Bride.
I put Michael in my wedding.
It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon.
No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.
Phyllis ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me.
So, it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding.
And I was like, "Wait, I thought I called that off?" So, what's in the box? A toaster.
You? A toaster.
Hello, Angela.
Hi, Dwight.
You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Thank you.
Don't linger.
Break left.
The Schrutes have their own traditions.
We usually marry standing in our own graves.
It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
Those flowers are nice.
"P and R"? Phyllis and Robert? Oh, of course.
Also, Pam and Roy.
There she is.
I swear, Phyllis, you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Thanks, Michael.
That's sweet.
Same as when you said it outside.
How you doing? Are you excited? Yes, very.
Me, too.
If you need to vomit, that is okay.
I did.
Do you want to talk about tonight? No.
Because I know you're probably worried about pleasing Bob.
A lot of pressure.
Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay if you did, it's a very natural reaction.
It's your wedding, and you're nervous That wasn't me.
I'm sure that Bob Wow, that is That is pungent.
I lost my train of thought.
Are you set on that hairstyle? I thought it was Michael, no Here, let me.
I don't need your help.
Thank you, no.
Just cover up that bald patch.
Michael, please.
I just need some time alone.
You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding.
It's actually a very cute story.
My mom was marrying Jeff, and they asked me to be ring bearer.
And I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
I hate you! A long story short, Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer.
And the irony is that, after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said boo.
Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this Earth.
We need a new plague.
Who are all these people? You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
No way.
Did you ever see that movie? Of course I saw it.
I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally.
I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater.
After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting.
Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
You know, I just wish I wish I had the investigative powers to actually smoke some of these guys out, you know? Once again, Jim, I will take care of this.
I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis.
That way I won't have to get her a gift.
Hi, I'm Kevin.
Where did you find her? At the gym.
The gym Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
I know, but there was an emergency.
I look really good in white.
This strapping, young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Elbert, and he is quite the ladies' man.
Aren't you, Elbert? Huh? Ring bearer.
I could have done better.
I will do better.
I am going to be better.
I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
Are you ready for this, Elbert? I am.
Let's do it! That's my dress.
It's This is Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding.
And now, the wedding has no highlight.
I can't believe I pushed that guy's lazy ass around all day until he was ready to stand up and steal the show.
That's Well, I've got news for you, Elbert, if that's your real name, the show's not over.
And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, for the first time as a couple, Mr.
And Mrs.
Bob Vance! And do you, Bob, take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do.
You may now kiss the bride.
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as a couple, Mr.
And Mrs.
Bob Vance! That's what I'm talking about! Congratulations, Phyllis.
You look lovely.
Thank you.
Your dress is very white.
It's so white, my eyes are burning.
Thanks, Angela.
Congratulations, Bob.
You're a good man.
But just know, if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.
Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great.
Bet you can hear me, too? Best of luck, Phyllis.
Also, I'm gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.
I don't have that, Dwight.
Damn it, Phyllis! Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
What do you mean? Well, this is supposed to be your wedding.
Oh! No, that's actually fine.
There's no way it's fine.
I'm sorry.
If I was you, I would just, like, freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
That's a lot of good ideas.
Excuse me, sir, how do you know the happy couple? Who? The bride and groom.
What are their names? I don't I'm not sure I get it.
I get it.
Come on, freeloader.
Let's move it.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay, okay.
Where are we going? You've got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.
Phyllis? Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter? It's beautiful.
Why don't you find your seat and enjoy the buffet.
I'm already on it.
The chicken? Totally undercooked.
I sent it back.
It's fish.
I will take care of that.
I do.
I know a fair amount about fine food and drink.
This is a white.
No, this is not our first wedding.
This is the third wedding that Scrantonicity has played.
We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.
Attention, everyone.
Attention, please.
I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al.
He is old and has brown eyes and dementia.
His family is very concerned.
It's a very serious situation.
Roxanne You don't have to put on your red light Those days are over Hey.
I know I don't normally notice these kind of things, but this wedding's really nice.
I mean, the flowers and stuff.
Phyllis has got some great taste.
You're kidding me, right? I know you probably aren't gonna remember this, but, those color roses, I got you those color roses for our prom.
Roy, I picked those flowers.
Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
I guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.
Sorry about that.
It's okay.
Well, you think it sucks for you? I'm the one who actually wanted to get married.
Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman.
And you're a hell of a bowler! Cheers.
Cheers! Thank you, Randy.
That was great.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hi, I'm Michael Scott.
And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time.
My name is Michael Scott.
Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.
" Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss.
To quote from The Princess Bride, "Marriage " The most important part of a speech is the opening line.
When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Flob.
You look at her, and she's kind of matronly today, but back in high school, I swear her nickname was Easy Rider.
Now, as for Bob.
Bob Vance Okay, that's enough.
is a guy Thanks, Michael.
Give me the mike.
He works Okay, hold on, hold on Look I didn't say anything when Phyllis's dad upstaged me at the ceremony.
And I think you owe me this, okay? Give me the microphone.
No, I'm not going to.
Michael, give me the microphone.
It's okay.
You're out of here.
Okay, good.
Yeah, you're out of here.
You're I hate you! A year has passed since I wrote my note Hey.
When are we gonna get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? I'm pacing myself.
Come on.
Get out there.
Give the people what they want.
I'm such a dorky dancer.
I know.
And it's very cute.
Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then, no, it's totally hypothetical.
Come on.
I can't let you in, Michael.
Dwight, just No.
It's Bob and Phyllis's orders.
Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit, and have a piece of cake.
I'm not even gonna dance, one song, maybe You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you.
I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
You remember me when the west wind moves Upon the fields of barley You'll forget the sun in his jealous way As we walk in fields of gold So she took her love For to gaze Even after you're gone And I know that you love Hey! They're playing our song, huh? Yeah, that's weird.
I thought they only played The Police.
I know.
I I gave them 20 bucks.
You wanna dance? Dreams last so long Even after you're gone And I know That you love me And soon you will see You were meant for me And I was meant for you And I was meant for you Hey, you wanna get out of here? Here's a non-hypothetical, I'm really happy I'm with Karen.
Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turns me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her goes on One, two, three! Toby Yeah! I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Phyllis and you will be great together.
We are great together.
We are a great team.
The Celtics were a great team.
Yes, they were.
Robert Parish I should talk to her.
I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Well, nobody ever helped me.
I had to do it myself.
Even the doctor didn't know.
Dude, keep it together.
I listened to you for a half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.
Hey! Yeah! Phyllis? Phyllis, wait, please.
I'm sorry.
I just I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
You found Uncle Al! Yeah, yeah.
He's kind of a weirdo.
Thank you, Michael.
You're You're welcome.
They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake.
I say, that's crazy.
I say, "Let them eat cake.
" Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage.
Smart broad.
Be careful with the No! Oh, wow! Phyllis.
Phyllis, come on.
You look like a clown.
Oh, get me.
Get me!