The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - Principal Charming

Hey, Homer, did I wake you? I'm up! I'm up! I wanted to tell you about a new BBQ joint.
Oh, BBQ! It's called Greasy Joe's Bottomless BBQ Pit.
I can still taste the sauce.
And get this: -It's all-you-can-eat! -This is like some beautiful dream! And one and two and three and reach and five and six and-- Marge, I've got five words to say to you.
Greasy Joe's Bottomless BBQ Pit.
You promised you'd only have six servings of pork a week.
I'm only human.
Now look, here's what we're gonna do: We'll take the kids to your sisters' Saturday night.
Then we'll eat till they kick us out! Saturday night? I'm not sure they're available.
I'll take that bet.
Hello, Marge.
Saturday, we're going to Stanley Peterson's wedding.
Although he's going at her like they're already married.
Hey, alley cats.
Save it for the honeymoon! Well, if you have other plans.
It's no problem.
We'll leave before they toss the bouquet.
"F.
" "L.
" No, I'm sorry.
That's a "C, " isn't it? If that was a car, you'd be dead now.
-But driving is my livelihood.
-Take it like a man.
Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances we are gathered here to join Stanley and Martha in holy matrimony.
Martha, my dear, I remember the first day that I met you.
-Hello, Selma.
-Hello, Stanley.
-Is this seat taken? -Yes! Hey, beat it! Had I not chosen that seat, Martha, my love who knows what woman I might have ended up with? Poor Brandy.
Aunt Selma? -Will you ever get married? -I don't know.
-Why? You know somebody? -No.
I'm sure you'd resent my pity, so I'll hope you're one of the statistically small number of single 40-year-olds who find their fair prince.
Patty! Selma! We're home! I'll tell you one thing, Greasy Joe is sorry he ever met me! Marge, I need to speak with you.
Oh, and that sauce, Barney! I could have drunk a bowl of it! No, that's just my sister-in-law.
I'll get right to it.
I'm getting older and uglier.
Please, Marge, help me find a man before it's too late.
Well, I'll try.
Do you remember when you made us go to the Bowler's Hall of Fame so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin? Remember? Who could forget? Then you'll also remember you owe me a favor to be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
-But that was just an idle promise.
-Not to me! -I want you to find Selma a husband.
-Find a husband?! Wait, which one's Selma? She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and walking in the park on autumn days.
I thought she was the one who didn't like to be touched.
Patty chose celibacy but Selma simply had it thrust upon her.
-But Marge-- -Homer, you will find her a man! -Okay.
-And not just any man! He should be honest and caring and well-off and handsome! Why should she have a better husband than you? Sodium tetrasulfate is caustic and can remove your skin.
Say when.
-When! -What's this for? It's used in making rayons, film and as a preservative in fast foods.
-It's also a potent herbicide.
-What's a herbicide? -It kills grass.
-Excellent.
Must find man.
Must find man.
Must find man.
Boy, a good man really is hard to find! According to my sources, you are simultaneously planning to drop your pencils at 2: 15.
Do so and you will be suspended.
-Who squealed? -You can't get anything past him.
He knows everything.
Vandalism fans, hold on to your hats.
-He'll never get away with it.
-He just goes too far.
One seafood burrito, Apu.
The time has come for money to change hands.
Oh, sorry.
Say what they will about our cafeteria I still think they're the best Tater Tots money can buy.
Wait a minute that smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll.
Sweet Lord, it is! Simpson! Surely you knew that by writing "Bart" in 40-foot letters you would be caught.
-Maybe it was another Bart.
-There are none! The sheer contempt makes me wish I could use the board of education.
Call your father.
-Is Homer there? -Homer who? Homer Sexual.
Wait one second, let me check.
Homer Sexual! Come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual! Don't look at me! You little punk! If I get ahold of you -I'll rip your face off! -You'll do what, young man? What? Wait.
Who is this? The question is, who's this and where is Homer? Sorry, Principal Skinner.
It's a bad connection, I think.
For you.
I think Bart's in trouble again.
What now? The victim is the grass on groundskeeper Willie's award-winning play field.
If it's okay with you I'd like to punish Bart through backbreaking physical labor.
Re-sodding the field manually, seed by seed.
But enough about Bart.
Tell me, are you married? Only to my job.
But if you weren't, you'd tend to go for a girl? These pants come off at night just like everybody else's.
Why all the questions? Oh, no reason.
I was just wondering if you'd like to come over to my house for dinner.
A payback for all the things Bart has done! Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace.
-I'd be delighted! -Excellent.
Good evening and welcome to our home.
I only hope we can put our differences aside for the next few hours.
Just get inside already.
He's here.
What are you waiting for? Go shake your moneymaker.
I'm too nervous.
You do it.
-No, you do it.
-No, you do it.
I had a discomforting thought on the way here.
This dinner wouldn't be a plan to set me up with some unmarried relation, would it? Because I can-- Be still, my foolish heart.
Here we go.
Boy meets beast.
Allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely -and available sister, Selma.
-Hey, tubs, I'm Patty! -What? -Patty.
D'oh! Wrong one.
So, Patty, tell me, tell me more about your trip to Egypt.
Nothing more to tell, really.
The Nile smells and the horseflies are huge.
Marvelous.
Just marvelous.
Well, Selma hated Egypt too.
A camel spit on her.
They can be difficult.
Patty the Parents Advisory Board asked that I see Space Mutants Part V.
Would you be interested in joining me? -I don't-- -She'd be delighted! -I'll cancel.
-No.
We already had plans.
Your first date in 25 years is more important than playing cards.
I tried to repel him, really.
Pack of Lady Laramies.
It could easily have been me.
Very easily.
Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack.
Here you go.
Smoke them in good health.
Any lottery tickets with that? No.
All right, five.
Stupid Principal Skinner.
You gotta be kidding me.
Save your strength, lad.
There's a whole field for you to re-sod yet.
Bart, you wouldn't know what sort of candy your aunt likes, would you? -Cherry cordials, sir.
-Oh, very good.
Now then, regarding your punishment, have you learned your lesson? Have I ever.
The thought of doing wrong makes my stomach turn.
Well, you're free to go.
Willie, you can take it from here.
Adiós.
You haven't seen the last of Willie! I don't see why this is necessary.
You don't want to show up for your big date looking like Yosemite Sam.
How do I look? Achingly beautiful.
Cherry cordials.
I hope you like them.
They're okay.
Let's get this over with.
Let's start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant.
Food tastes better when you're revolving.
-This evening has been disappointing.
-Indeed.
Terrible.
Hey! Can we get some service over here? I keep asking for water.
-Is everything all right? -Little Jimmy Pearson.
-Class of '71, right? -Principal Skinner.
Get this woman a glass of water! And tuck in your shirt.
Nearly 30 and still working as a busboy! Standardized testing never lies.
I'm not surprised.
She's always the lucky one.
Two minutes younger.
Skin like a china doll.
Bosoms till Tuesday.
Don't worry.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Right, Homer? Oh, yes.
Plenty of fish.
We just don't have any bait.
Don't be stupid! Sorry.
Oh, come on, love, loosen up.
I can't forget what happened to that poor dingo.
What could've done it? It was probably just a wallaby.
Now come on.
Well, okay.
Hello, Dolly.
Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen.
Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.
Isn't it nice we hate the same things? -So, see me again tomorrow? -That's my microwave cookery class.
-Then the day after that.
-Oh, gee, tae kwon do.
-The day after that? -You're touching me.
Kiss me, Patty.
I don't have cooties.
Thursday, I'm going food shopping.
You can come if you like.
Until then.
I want every detail.
Or is your tongue too tired? The movie was awful and he didn't get anything.
Now good night.
One kiss.
But I don't want you bragging to your friends.
Oh, I wish I could make a P.
A.
announcement to the whole world.
Attention! Seymour Skinner is in love! -That's cool.
-Skinner's gonna kill you! -Skinner? He works for me now.
-Simpson? What is that there? Patty.
I hate to pull you away from your exercise but I wanted you to be first to know.
-I plan to ask your aunt to marry me.
-Your funeral.
Homer, lighten up.
You're making happy hour bitterly ironic.
I gotta find a date for my big, fat, snotty sister-in-law, Selma.
I'm intrigued.
What does she look like? -Like my wife's ugly sister.
-Wheel her in, Homer.
I'm not picky.
-The rule of thumb is 2 years' salary.
-I can't afford that! I'll take it.
My sister's not going out with Barney Gumble! She's no prize pig herself, you know! -Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma.
-Okay.
What did you learn in school? Principal Skinner's gonna ask Patty to marry him.
Thanks, kid.
You made my day.
But nothing! She's a heifer, plain and simple-- There's the little prom queen now.
Can the sweet talk! You're right.
It's time to end my girlish dreams and grab hold of the next train out of the station.
Is that Selma? Ring-a-ding-ding! -Oh, shut up.
-Why are you all dolled up? It takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse.
It's time to give away my love like cheap wine.
Take it to the hoop, Selma.
Hey! Look what I brought! -Schnapps? -I'll take that.
You seem preoccupied, my little pudding cup.
My sister's on a date with a big, fat rummy.
There's something up here that will pick up your spirits.
"Marry me, Patty"? Jeezum Crow! Look at the size of that rock! The second most precious jewel here.
Patty, will you marry me? -I don't know.
I mean-- -Just say whatever's in your heart.
It's not that I don't love you.
You love me! -Yes.
Yes, but-- -But? But I'm a twin, and as such I have a-- Special tie to your sister! Any man I could marry would have to-- Understand that you couldn't leave Selma.
Yes.
So I know you appreciate why you can never.
-See you again? -Exactly.
It's kind of a Catch-22.
Farewell, my Patty-cake.
Good night, sweet principal.
Oh, Springfield Elementary, I will have you back again! After all, tomorrow is another school day! And then when I got out of the service.
Well, the next few years are a blur.
Where's Skinner? We decided we loved each other enough never to see each other again.
I hope I can find a man like that.
Are you throwing away happiness for me? -Yes.
-Thanks.
-Now let's go get some pancakes.
-Listen, Barney.
She broke my heart, Moe.
Don't worry, Barney.
Time heals all wounds.
What do you know? You're right.
And look, a whole pitcher to myself.
I told you you'd be back!