The Simpsons Episode Scripts

Three Men and a Comic Book

Hurry, Mom! All the good comics will be gone! Good comics? You only buy Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
Equating friendliness with wimpiness will keep you from achieving popularity.
I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich.
-Hey, they do look alike.
-How did Richie die? Perhaps his materialism led him to take his life.
Kids, could you lighten up? Now Radioactive Man rules! He's always saying something cool.
-He's no wittier than others.
-Oh, yeah? Look.
He knocks a guy into the sun and says, "Hot enough for you?" I stand corrected.
We're here.
-Too bad we didn't dress up.
-This looks like a discount for Bartman! -Who are you dressed as? -I'm Bartman.
-Never heard of him, full price.
-Rip-off.
Is this on? Young people of Springfield welcome to our funny-book convention.
Thank you for pumping almost $300 into the local economy.
Your spirits have imparted a glow to this old warhorse.
I feel like Radiation Man! That's Radioactive Man, jerk! I stand corrected.
Have fun and be sure to clear out by 6 for the Shriners.
Get that punk's name.
No one makes a fool of me.
Has anyone turned in a left Vulcan ear? We've got a utility belt, tricorders, a light saber.
Sorry, kid.
-Hey, Bart-dude.
-Hey, Otto-man.
What's that? My own idea for a comic book.
It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day but by night, fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone! We're going to see Buddy Hodges.
The guy who played Fallout Boy on TV? I guess he wasn't killed in Vietnam.
Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil.
Wish I was old enough to smoke Laramies.
Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're 16.
Look out! Will Radioactive Man act in time to save the Earth? You know, kids, I'm sure we'd all like to remember Dirk Richter as Radioactive Man and not the sordid details of his final years.
So keep the questions tasteful.
Now, how about a big welcome for Buddy "Fallout Boy" Hodges! -Any questions? -When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum, how come his costume shrinks? Who knows? I did play Rum Tum Tugger in Cats.
Anybody see it? -Fallout Boy! -Yes, you, the masked boy.
Does Dirk Richter's ghost haunt the bordello where his body was found? Dirk Richter was a beautiful man.
Can't you vultures leave him alone? Hey, Radioactive Man Number 72! It's the imaginary tale where he marries Larva Girl.
Wow, Number 9! That's before Fallout Boy became his ward.
I'll show you something if you'll put your grubby little hands behind your back.
Behold.
Wow, Radioactive Man Number 1! I bet it's worth a million bucks.
It is, my lad.
But I'll let you have it for 100.
-All I got is 30.
-Then you can't have it.
But I must.
I never knew why God put me on this Earth.
Now, I know.
-To buy that comic book.
-Your emotion is out of place.
Did you kids have fun? Yeah.
For a dollar, a man sold me I never knew what Superman saw in her.
Give me Wonder Woman.
And that golden lariat.
She can tie me up any time.
-Homer! -Just kidding, Marge.
Hey, what does everyone say to dinner at Krusty Burger? My treat! You really are a sport, Dad, taking us to a fine restaurant like that.
-What are you getting at? -I need $100 for a comic.
For a comic? Who drew it, Micha-malangelo? -Dad, I want this more than anything.
-Well, T.
S.
-Please, Dad.
-No.
No! Look, we all know that usually when you bug me I give in.
I'm not mad at you.
Shows you been paying attention.
But we all know I'm not giving you $100.
-Now, are you gonna stop bugging me? -No.
-Are you? Are you? Are you? -No.
No.
No.
-Okay! -I win! In your face! Yeah! How do you like them apples? Don't gloat, Homer.
When I was your age, I wanted a child-sized electric light bulb oven.
I didn't have the money.
So, I went to my sisters.
-We'll give you half our allowance.
-lf you'll be our slave.
-This gives us more free time.
-Let's take up smoking.
For months, I worked while my sisters smoked.
Venus Oh, Venus We want those dress shields hand-washed and drip-dried.
Because I'd worked for it all those light bulb-warmed treats always tasted extra good.
Maybe a job is the answer.
I couldn't ask you to do that.
Maggie and Lisa are a handful-- -She means you should get a job.
-Me? Get a job? Were they serious? I didn't realize it, but a part of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
-What are you staring at? -Nothing.
At that moment, my dad and I were closer than we've ever-- -Bart! Stop it.
-Sorry.
I need some money A lot of money Empty bottles.
Well, it's practically empty.
Here you go, Apu.
Shall I apply this to the cost of a squishy? -No.
I need the dime.
-It is good you're learning a trade.
-Americanize this.
-Okay.
All those coins were worth three cents? Let the good times roll.
This is so humiliating.
I feel like such a geek.
-How's it going, Bart? -Terrible.
No one's buying.
Maybe you need to play on their sympathies more.
Let's see.
Now you look pathetic.
Lemonade sucks.
I need a new product.
Let's see.
Form a line.
Cheap beer and a sympathetic ear.
Hey, Bart, could you give me one on credit? -Beat it.
-You got a liquor license? -My dog ate it.
-Gotta have one to sell beer.
Writing tickets must make you thirsty.
Have a couple on the house.
-Seeing that it's a first offense.
-We can overlook this.
So long, officers.
Hey, what's all the--? My beer, my beer, my beautiful beer! The boy is desperate.
He wants money to buy a comic book.
A comic book? Boys never change.
-Which one? Nazi Smasher? -I don't think so.
Send him over to my house.
I've got a few chores he could do.
He can mix whitewash, right? -Mrs.
Glick? -You must be Bert Simpson.
Looks like you've got a strong young back.
Do you want something to eat? I've got dried apricots, almond paste, sauerkraut candy.
-No, thanks.
Who's that? -That's my brother, Asa.
He was killed in the Great War.
Held a grenade too long.
This one's for you Kaiser Bill, from the boys in D Company: Johnny, Harrison, Brooklyn Bob, and yeah, even Reggie.
He ain't so stuck-up once you get to-- Here, have some ribbon candy.
Boys love candy.
-No, thanks.
-Boys love candy! -I'd rather get to work.
-We'll start with yard work.
Then you can have a barley pop.
I want you to clear out all the weeds.
You do know which ones are weeds? -All of them? -Good boy.
Now be careful with these.
I'll be inside, watching my stories.
-Jack, please.
I'm married.
-That must be what's turning me on.
Stop it.
Some more.
Filthy, but genuinely arousing.
-Finished.
-Merciful heavens, you're bleeding! I'll get the iodine.
Iodine.
-Now don't fidget.
-Listen, lady, you don't have to-- They've never improved on iodine.
-Did you make any money? -No, but I'm in a lot of pain.
What you're doing for Mrs.
Glick is very nice.
-She doesn't have anybody.
-There's a reason.
The sludge certainly collects around those downspouts, don't it? I'll sludge you, you old bat.
Today, we wash Beulah.
Do you know what that is? Some old lady thing nobody's heard about for 50 years? It was my wedding dress.
But then, I dyed it black and it became my mourning dress.
Great story, lady.
Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
No, not the iodine.
Burn the germs off with a torch.
Amputate my arm.
But not the-- Well, it's payday.
I'll wager you've been looking forward to this.
-Yes, ma'am.
-Here we are, two quarters.
-Two quarters? -You deserve every penny.
I've told my girlfriends about you and they have chores too.
-Two quarters! -Bart, you didn't say thank you.
I can leave without screaming or saying a bad word.
-But I'm not saying thank you.
-You're welcome.
All right, off you go to spend it on penny whistles and MoonPies.
-MoonPies, my butt.
-What's the problem, boy? I busted my hump all week and all I got was 50 cents.
When I was your age, -Really? -No.
I did everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks.
I'm done working.
Working's for chumps.
I'm proud of you.
I was twice your age before I figured that out.
-Can I have it for $40? -40 bucks? Forget it! It's all I've got.
I sold seeds.
I visited my aunt in the nursing home.
-I fished a dime out of the sewer! -No way.
What do you want? -Can I have it for 35.
-No! Kids.
I don't need this.
I've got a master's degree in folklore.
Do you have the Carl Yastrzemski baseball card from 1973? Show me the 30 bucks, because if you ain't got it, I ain't getting up.
Martin, if you, Milhouse and I went in together we could buy a copy of Radioactive Man Number 1 right now! -Here you go.
-I don't want it.
We've got $100, and we'd like to buy Radioactive Man.
Why don't you just waddle over and get it? Yes, sir! Wow.
Breathe it in, boys.
-This is the stuff dreams are made of.
-It smells like my grandpa.
Looks like rain.
We better get this baby home.
Looks like you bought more than you bargained for.
My pants, caught on barbed wire! Good Lord, choke, an A-bomb! Becoming radioactive.
From this day forward, I shall call myself Radioactive Man.
So, that's how it happened.
I'd have thought an atomic bomb would kill him.
-Now you know better.
-Turn the page, Bart.
Careful, careful.
You guys can come read it anytime.
-Why not keep it at my house? -That's crazy.
-It's ours as much as it's yours.
-How about this? Each one of us will get it for two days of the week.
Wait a minute, that still leaves one day.
Yeah, what about that? For that day, we'll use a random number generator.
I'll take 1 to 3, Milhouse will have 4 to 6 and Bart will take 7 to 9.
-Wait a minute, what about zero? -Yeah, what about zero? In the event of a zero possession will be determined by Rock, Scissor, Paper.
-Okay.
-Excellent.
Well, today being my Saturday, I guess I'll be taking my comic.
Nice try.
It almost worked, but tonight the comic book stays here.
-lf the comic book stays, then so do I.
-Me too.
Fine.
We'll all stay with the comic book.
It'll be like a sleepover.
That's what pals do, right? Real friendly-like.
-I wanna read it again.
-Nice try.
Acids in your hand could damage it.
We want it to last forever so the last one alive can be buried with it.
-What do you mean, the last one alive? -I meant years from now! -Bart, don't push him.
-So you're both against me.
Well, nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J.
Simpson.
-Quit! -You quit! No, you quit! Would you boys like some milk and microwave s'mores? Thank you, Mrs.
Simpson.
Sweet dreams, boys.
-One more step and you're dead.
-I have to go to the bathroom.
-So do l, but I'm not getting up.
-Hey, what's going on? -Martin was trying to steal our comic.
-Let's tie him up! -Is this how you treat your guests? -Quiet.
-We'll take turns watching him.
-Okay, I'll go first.
So that's your little game.
Let Bart get nice and drowsy then, when his back's turned: Wham! You're crazy.
I'm telling your mom! -Tell him what we do with squealers.
-It's worse than when you have to pee? -You can't stop me! -The hell I can't.
Homer, it's really coming down.
Could you check on the boys? They're fine.
Bart, the comic! Don't let go of me, Bart! It's not that far to the ground.
The rains probably softened it up.
If you hadn't tied me up, I could be saving the comic.
Shut up! Shut up! Help me! I didn't even want the comic! I wanted Carl Yastrzemski with the big sideburns! Better come in the house.
You don't wanna get the sniffles.
Now, come on.
You can play your little tie-up game inside.
I've got some cocoa on the stove.
Who wants imitation marshmallows.
I'd raise my hand if I could.
It's no use, fellows.
Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came.
We worked so hard and now it's all gone.
We ended up with nothing because we can't share.
-What's your point? -Nothing.
It just ticks me off.
Well, the world is safe again.
But for how long?