The Simpsons s16e01 Episode Script

We now return to Keepin' It Kodos.
starring Kang! Is dinner ready yet? Our boss will be here any minute now.
This one keeps eating himself Octopuses! I'm done! Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? You're the only one who won't shut up about it.
What a delicious meal.
I feel like I'm going to burst.
Cool! I'm vomit! Well, a fine meal like that deserves a hyper-galactic promotion.
Hyper-galactic! Wait a minute I don't have a family anymore.
You do now, son.
You do now.
Simpson Horror Show XV Homer, what are you doing? Trying to get a Frisbee off the roof.
Ah, there's the Frisbee.
Concussion diddily Hemorrhage Doodily Injury Bodily Ned, you nearly died of a brain tumor.
Thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head.
Welcome back, dawg.
My, you look awfully pale.
Let's get you some fresh air.
Hey, while you're there, can you get my Frisbee off the ledge? All right, but I swear to God, this is the very last time.
Oh, man, is this going to hurt.
That's better.
Come on, Ned.
Just because you foresaw Dr.
Hibbert's death doesn't mean you can see into the future.
It was just a sinister co-inky-dink.
Help me! Some bullies threw my shoes over a telephone wire with me in them! Just wriggle loose.
I'll catch you, li'l critter.
Oh, another setback.
What the Family Circus? A second premonition came to fruition.
Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming.
Hey, Flanders, have you seen my Frisbee? Homer, I can foretell people's deaths.
People's deaths, eh? Do me! Do me! So, what'd I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalanche? Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich.
What kind of bread? Um, country parmesan.
Mr.
Flanders, why are you moving? 'Cause I had a vision of myself shooting your father.
In this neighborhood, who hasn't? Well, you can't fight fate but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto : "Not in the face.
" Don't worry, sweetie.
I am not going to kill your father.
Flanders? Kill me? You never killed anybody, and you're going to start with the big dog? Homer, please, don't tempt the gods.
I-I mean God.
There's one God! Only one! Well, sometimes there's three.
Hey, Chief, throw me your piece.
Uh, sure thing, citizen.
Come on.
Shoot me a new one.
Ooh, I'm so scared! Ned Flanders is pointing a gun at me.
You couldn't even shoot me by accident.
even if I whacked the barrel like this.
Quit whacking my barrel! Never! You leave me no choice! I was supposed to shoot you but I didn't! I changed the future! What have I done? I've changed the future for the worse.
Homer, stay away from the nuclear plant.
Fine, I'll never go back starting tomorrow.
Today is Lenny's birthday, and they're having ice cream cake.
But-but you're going to kill us all! But ice cream cake! I got to find Homer.
He's going to blow up the whole town! Yeah, well, you know, you got to take the bitter with the sweet.
Homer, do not press the core destruct button! Press destruct button.
Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone! Do it do it! Kill everyone! Sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.
Must kill best friend.
Homer, fall backward! Oh, you stupid son of a Homer, I'm so mad at you! I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage.
Everything's coming up Homer.
Yeah, well, the joke's on you, smart guy.
The garage made it to Heaven, too.
Hmm, I wonder if I could blow up Heaven? Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you.
Your Frisbee.
Cool.
You guys got a good buffet up here? Oh, yeah.
Just stay away from the three-bean salad.
You're not the boss of me.
Hello, ducky.
You gave me quite a fright, you did.
Say, you don't need no fancy knife to get me attention not with those handsome muttonchops.
Come on.
Give us a snog.
That's not a snog! Looks like the Muttonchop Murderer has struck again.
What should we do with the body? I want you to dust her for prints.
What does that mean? The Prince is coming by and I want her clean when he looks her over.
Perhaps we can be of assistance, Inspector.
Well, well, well, look who's here.
Master detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick : Dr.
Bartley.
What's this? A doorknob.
Good show.
So, what clues has the body shewn? We don't need clues.
We've already caught the killer.
This mysterious Hindu is clearly responsible for the murder.
Lock him up till we find someone darker, boys.
Please, I am not a killer.
I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food.
Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies.
Eel pie? My favorite.
We British sure eat crap.
Inspector, might I have a word wit' you? Absolutely Get back down there, you.
- You were saying? - Well, it's like this.
I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am, and I sees this real strange bloke.
Out of sorts.
Mad in the eyes.
All kettles and biscuits.
Well, he seen I was lookin' at him, and he drops this and runs.
Cor, blimey, skip to me loo.
Good Lord! I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl.
I'll take that challenge, Inspector.
Yeah, well, good luck.
Uh, now, boys, let's see the suspect in that child abduction case.
I shall never grow up.
Uh, in jail you will.
Yes, I recognize this blade.
I sold it as part of a set the famed Seven Swords of Osiris.
Now would you be interested in an illustrated novelette? It also includes a "Young David Diligent" adventure.
Confound it, man! I need to know who bought those swords! Very well.
I will check my records.
You may examine my curios, but do not touch my oddities.
Use your judgment with my gewgaws.
Well, I'll be blazed.
I know these missionaries.
I just told the natives they were having sex the wrong way.
Help! Help! Murder! The Muttonchop Murderer is long gone.
But this ledger will lead us to him.
This potion will give me new life.
I'm alive.
I'm gonna go to America.
I'll be in pictures.
You'll see.
The whole world is gonna know the name Simon Stoolowitz.
It says here the swords were sold to C.
Ebenezer Burns.
Burns? The evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies? I know just where to find him.
Ebenezer Burns? Yeah, he's over here.
How ya doin', there? Fresh'n your pipe? Anybody need a let-me-down? Whoa, whoa, heads up there, buddy.
A rat's gnawin' off your toe.
The Sword of Osiris I once possessed the entire collection Then I sold them all for opium.
Oh, how I wish I had them back to sell for more opium! Who did you sell the swords to? A fat man with sideburns like that one over there.
There's your Muttonchop Murderer! Stop, fiend! Opium rules! Hey, hey.
Read the sign.
Well, well, what have we here? Inspector, you've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den? It's the only way I can get Ralphie to go to sleep.
I can make opi-ohs! Well, Dr.
Bartley, another mystery well solved.
Yes, with the murderer behind bars London's working girls are free to follow their merry calling.
Yet another Sword of Osiris! But that must mean the murderer is still at large.
Ah, he could have killed this one days ago.
The body is bloated, and the face is rotten.
It was five minutes ago, you twit.
I'm not a murderer.
I'm not.
And I've never known the pleasures of a woman or a proper eating apple.
Quiet, you.
There's cheese in my eel pie.
This week, in our Summer Hanging Series, we're pleased to present the Muttonchop Murderer.
At last God-fearing Londoners are free to walk Whore Alley.
Stay your hand, Inspector.
That man is innocent! The murderer's blade is covered with blood, but the handle is covered with something else: the unmistakable fragrance of eel pie.
Hey, lots of people like eel pie.
Yeah? Well, how many of them have muttonchops? Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.
That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.
you were the most famous member of Scotland Yard.
Why would you do this? Well, the fact is, I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve.
And besides so long, you stupid British twits! You'll never catch me.
I'm traveling at the speed of wind.
Remember me for my police work and not the murders! Well done.
Their fleet is destroyed.
Daddy, I had the craziest dream.
Ralphie, you're still in it.
I have a serious brain disease.
Please give me a cat.
This comically large capsule has lifetime supplies of niacin, thiamin and riboflavin-glavin.
Prior to ingestion, the pill must be reduced by my amazing new shrink ray.
Shrink ray? Oh, there's always something else to buy.
First I lower the capsule top, Then I zap the capsule, And now, who would like a lifetime of perfect health? I'll take it.
No, no that's now well, all right.
That sounds like Maggie.
But she's right here Now, now don't worry, my dear woman.
She will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acid.
Hold on, Maggie! Daddy's coming! I've got her! No, wait.
This is yours.
Your daughter has 30 minutes before the acid dissolves the capsule.
But we can rescue her by sending a miniaturized vessel through Mr.
Burns' body.
Ooh, stop that! The felt is slicing through me like a knife.
Bionauts assemble! - Captain! - Science Officer! - Security! - Marge! Now, I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside.
And, uh, while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.
Let the commencement beginulate! Now, you must enter the subclavian vein.
Screw you, doc! I fly from the gut.
Dad, you should listen to him.
He's a man of science and you can barely read.
Has science ever kissed a woman? or won the Super Bowl? or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science Help me, science! Your ship is wedged in Mr.
Burns' heart.
And you must dislodge it from outside.
But watch out for retroviruses.
Oh, boy, are they retro! It's a fun design by R.
Crumb, who was friends with Harvey Pekar.
Seriously though, touch one and you're dead.
Why is my swimsuit so revealing? Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage! Maybe this'll help.
Where'd you get that rib? There's a whole rack of 'em over there.
I only ate two.
Bart, what are you doing? Takin' a whiz.
Stop that! We're guests in Mr.
Burns.
To get to Maggie in time, we'll have to catch a ride on a nerve impulse.
the body's information superhighway.
Learning is cool! And to make sure we get there super fast I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm.
Well, that hurt like hell.
My sweet, undigested baby! I'm afraid I have some bad news, uh, Simpsons.
With the baby's extra weight, you don't have enough power to make it back.
and one of you must stay behind to save the rest.
Frink out.
Oh, my God! This is the worst Halloween Horror we've ever faced.
And white blood cells are attacking my clothes! Although I must admit, they know where to stop.
We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind.
Fine, me.
Don't worry.
We'll be fine! I'm saying good-bye to everything I ever loved.
Ooh, a marshmallow! Boy, when God closes a door, He opens a window.
Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers? Cut me some slack.
I'm a widow.
Now, there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands.
Uh, make that zero chance.
Frink out.
Dad, would you like some of my Snicker-bar cheesecake? Oh, I feel full enough as it is.
I say when we're full! You don't wanna piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside! Oh, I need a mouth hole.
Um and some other holes, too.
Cheer up, my chubby inner child.
I've got a feeling everything's going to work out fine because "I've got you" "Under my skin!" "I've got you Deep in the heart of me!" "So deep in my heart, you're really a part of me.
" "I've got you" "under my skin!" FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX synchronization by Lord Damon! Everyone loves the Mick.
I don't want Mickey Mantle.
I want my mom.
Plenty of kids are going to look up to me when I'm Auntie whatever it is.
Right now, people just know me as the wife of a guy who doesn't go to work.
Can't you understand that I need this? I guess Dad has to be my hero now.
Not if you knew what he's been doing.
Welcome to the final battle of the Ovenfresh Challenge.
She's already ahead of me.
Well, I didn't come this far not to cheat "I look up to you because you let me down.
" That's clever and devastating.
Stop the competition! I don't deserve to win.
I sabotaged all the other entries.
Looks like me and Marge are both going to hell.
That's when I'll make my move.
Then I won with my festive holiday Alco-Hog.
I thought it was dead! Thanks, honey, for saving me from myself.
And Marge, you'll always be the best chef in our house.
Well, beat me, I do just scrambled eggs, Homer.
The secret ingredient is whiskey.
Hey, it keeps the kids quiet.
Hey, look! The new Ovenfresh Flour bag! That could've been me.
Oh, I wish it had've been.
Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan! But don't you worry.
I'm going to fix his wagon.
A toll booth? I hate these things That's it.
Next time, I fly.