The Simpsons s15e22 Episode Script

Fraudcast News

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ELECTRICAL BUZZING) This is Kent Brockman, live at Springfield's most beloved tourist attraction, the man-shaped mountain crag known as Geezer Rock.
Carved by centuries of wind and rain, Geezer Rock will soon be more than just a place for teens to have sex and commit suicide.
Why did they cancel Futurama? (SCREAMS) You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out! Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark.
What's the big deal about a rock that looks like a dude? I've got a dad that looks like a monkey.
Bart, you promised you'd stop making that comparison! Per our agreement! (GROANS IN DISGUST) Knock-kneed home renters.
Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets? We're already immune, you jerk! Gee, I never noticed that before.
He's got a tree in his eye.
If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock! We'll lose tourists! And then, who will buy my roadside corn? You don't sell roadside corn.
There's a lot you don't know about me, Marge.
A lot that would shock you.
(SINGING) Ride a painted pony Let the spinnin' wheel spin Thank you, Blood and Tears.
Sorry to hear about Sweat.
Now, before the Undersecretary of the interior declares Geezer Rock a national landmark, we shall hear a poem written by honor student, Lisa Simpson.
Thank you.
(HOMER STRUGGLING) Geezer Rock, An Appreciation in Verse.
(LIGHT APPLAUSE) (GRUNTING) Now, to do something I've never done before.
Help out an old man.
"Postcard image, thing to see" (RUMBLING) Gotta go, sweetie! But I didn't read my poem! Here's a poem.
Run fast or lose your ass! (ALL SCREAMING) Mr.
Burns? Mr.
Burns is gone.
And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo.
(SOBBING) I can't believe that historic rock is gone.
My poem has become an elegy.
An elegy no one will ever hear.
Well, at least some good came out of today.
Bart, you're grounded for a year! I'll just pay the fine.
Three bucks.
Why don't you publish your poem? Publish it myself? Why not? I could put out a whole newspaper dedicated to the rock! I'd be a publisher, just like Katharine Graham! Or that lady who wheels Larry Flynt around.
Burns, perhaps it's best you were snatched away before time could diminish your beauty.
Stop your wailing, Waylon! I'm alive! MR.
BURNS: Oops! That stays in.
Sir, you're alive! But how? Because of my svelte physique, I was able to fit in a narrow air pocket.
I survived on whatever sustenance came my way.
Thankfully, a mother mole nursed me as her own until I was strong enough to continue.
Now, let's see how the common folk are grieving for their fallen god, me.
And so, a day after the tragedy, the town still mourns the loss of its venerable old man.
Here it comes.
Beloved by children.
Yes, the little ones.
Thought to be thousands of years old I have been 89 for a while now.
We'll miss you, Geezer Rock.
(SPITS) (GASPING) Quickly, Smithers, re-hydrate me.
But one old man we certainly don't miss is the late C.
Montgomery Burns.
As owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, he generated both electricity and contempt.
Thank you, Geezer Rock, for doing what none of us had the courage to do, smush Mr.
This town cared more for a soulless piece of granite than for me.
I don't have a friend in the world.
You have me, sir.
Don't be so needy! Well, I'm going to change this town's accurate impression of me.
Sir, you could improve your image with various good deeds.
Don't I already give out turkey slices to the poor? You eliminated that program in the '30s, sir.
They were getting too grabby! Oh, all right.
I know how to change the way the public thinks of me.
I'll buy every media outlet in town! Bring me a checkbook and a mother mole! (SUCKING) I really got hooked on this stuff.
Thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of The Red Dress Press, Dad.
I'm always happy to help you, sweetie.
Extree! Extree! Man driving erratically throws papers out window! LISA: "Elegy for Geezer Rock.
" "Postcard image, thing to see," "to think of Springfield is to think of thee.
" "What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien?" "Why sky art blue, why trees art green?" "And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see?" "Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me.
" "Brought low by nature's oafish hand," "thou crush-ed our reviewing stand" "and twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth.
" "All things must pass, thy face, my youth.
" Oh, wow.
I haven't cried like this since the third Mr.
Teeny died.
You couldn't hold a candle to him.
(WEEPING) Neither could you! You're okay, you got me broads.
Oh, this is one dilly of a daily, Lisa.
Can't wait for tomorrow's.
"Tomorrow's"? I hadn't thought about publishing more.
You better.
I've already sold a bunch of subscriptions.
How do you think I got these swell prizes? All right, Nelson, what kind of journalism skills do you have? I don't know.
Making nerds cry? Perfect.
You're our TV critic.
Ralph, what about you? I want to be a fire truck.
How about a feature columnist? Yeah, I'm a feature columnist! (IMITATING SIREN BLARING) Good day.
Great glayvin's ghost! He's alive! Yes, that's right.
I pulled a Jesus.
Have a nickel.
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinking beer out of? Boy, I can't wait to dance on his grave! Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
(ALL EXCLAIM) Whose grave? Uh, the unknown soldier? Carry on.
(SHOES TAPPING) Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons.
Step one, amass a vast media empire.
The station's not for sale, Burns.
It's been in the same family for generations.
Look, I assure you, no sack of money is big enough to change my mind.
Now, if There's more to life than being rich, you know? Very tempting, but I assure you, I'm still not sold.
Want to split an ice cream sundae? Done and done! BART: Check it out.
Principal Skinrash.
Nice work, Bart, but give him a runny nose.
I want the readers to gag on their morning cup of joe.
Snot a problem, chief.
Don't call me chief.
Sure thing, jerk.
Chief is fine.
You're on the Morning Zoo with Bill and Marty! What's your Wednesday whine? MR.
BURNS: Well, first of all, I agree with you two, it's sheer humbuggery that pretty girls can flirt their way out of speeding tickets.
No support for the naughty hotties! (HONKING HORN) Secondly, I want you to pack up and get out.
I just bought this station, and you're fired.
And play that delightful flush sound on your way out.
Yes, sir.
(TOILET FLUSHING) indoor plumbing.
The lack of it killed my mother.
I've done it, Smithers! I've bought every media outlet in town.
TV, radio, even the skywriters.
Cletus, what does that say? That? That says, "I loves you, Brandine.
" Oh, Cletus.
Tonight, you can knock me up again.
But put a little more apple in my cheek.
It's apple-ing now, sir.
Splendid! Now, let's see how I'm faring on the jumping box.
You mean the television, sir? Television, jumping box, picto-cube, just crank it up! In tonight's face-off, I will be debating Channel on the subject of our new boss, C.
Montgomery Burns.
My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American.
He's got a heart as big as my boobs! I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one.
Boobs! Smithers, do you know Bill from Accounting? That's his daughter.
Let me show you why you and all protesters are wrong.
All right.
Nuclear power helps heat that orphanage and keeps that hospital humming.
But what about wind power? It's cheap and safe.
Is it? (YELLS) Remember, children, nuclear power is your friend, and so is Monty Burns.
Don't end up like me.
Vote Republican.
God bless America.
This cartoon was made in Korea.
Burns owns everything! I've got to speak out before it's too late! D'oh! "Dear readers, you hold in your hands" "the last paper not controlled by the Burns Media empire.
" "We are not afraid to say" "Montgomery Burns is a monopolistic, self-aggrandizing" "stinky pants.
" Hmm.
Maybe Burns ain't so great.
This little girl has given us a lot to mull.
Hey, you mugs, thinking ain't drinking! Hey! Ow! Okay.
Bring that girl to me.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Burns, but my paper is not for sale.
Maybe a little gift will change your mind.
Send in Sugarbell.
She's very pretty.
But the answer is still no.
Honeysuckle, Dewdrop.
(MUSIC BOX CHIMING) Oh, no! (NICKERING) They're so beautiful.
And their breath smells like peppermint.
No! No! I won't take your blood ponies! Go on, sweeties.
Go on.
(HISSING) Very well.
You had your chance.
I am going to shred you like a Christmas card! Now get out! I can't! My mom's not picking me up for an hour! (SIGHS) So, what do you think of today's popular music scene? I think it distracts people from more important social issues.
My God, are you always on? (SCREAMING) Stupid women drivers! (SCREAMING) Stupid women helicopter pilots! (SCREAMING) Everyone okay? (ALL GROANING) (RATTLING) Uh-oh.
You can't leave now.
We're the only thing stopping Mr.
Burns! Sorry, Lisa.
And by the way, that story I filed from Baghdad was all made up.
I was actually in Basra.
(GROANING) Everyone chickened out.
Except Ralph.
He got poached by the Chicago Tribune.
I guess we're down to just me.
Take the sob sister act somewhere else.
You're standing in my light.
Bart, you're staying! Lise, I've learned a valuable lesson here, the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop.
Oh, it's beautiful! This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire? Your goons did run her off the road, sir.
I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do! Perhaps there's a non-violent way to silence this girl? Non-violence never solved anything.
Fine, curtsy boy.
I'll try it your way.
What the Dad, Mr.
Burns cut our power! Now, I can't print my paper! These batteries have to power everything in our house! (SINGING) Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want What I want, what I want I'll tell you what I want I want (TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS) That was totally worth it.
Stupid Burns! Cuts off my power, lowers my credit rating.
Lisa, I think I can help you.
You're not mad about Principal Skinrash? Are you kidding? I love it! I once had a principal like that! Now, come with me.
What's that? This, young lady, is a mimeo machine.
A hand-operated duplicating device.
No electricity needed.
(SNIFFS) That smell takes me back.
(GUNS FIRING) (YELLS IN VIETNAMESE) Finally in 1992, I was reunited with that chair.
It wasn't quite the same.
Good God.
I'm at war with a little girl.
And I'm losing! Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil! My league! My beautiful league! All dead.
Even monsters need air, sir.
Blast! Well, gather their watches.
I must find another way to vanquish the girl.
So, has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble-rouser? Oh, yeah.
She's always trying to improve mankind.
Fascinating! Do go on.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to get dirt on Lisa? Oh, you saw right through me.
Well done.
Have some congratulatory drugs.
Well, if that's your custom.
Now, tell me more about your daughter.
And speak into the lamp.
Well, she's into Buddhism, whistle-blowing, totally against pollution, no matter what I say.
Liberal wacko, eh? Any young beaux? Well, that loser Milhouse has always had a thing for her.
Don't you love it when nerds don't know they're nerds? Yes.
There's nothing more pathetic than self-delusion, eh? Hello, Beefcake Charlie.
(CHUCKLES) Dad, how could you say these things? I'm so sorry, honey.
I said good things about you, too.
Check out the Lifestyle section.
"Plastic Pearls Make the Girl.
" Well, at least there's nothing else Burns can do to me.
Oh! (GASPS) LISA: No! Way to go, Moon Milhouse! It's as easy as crushing an ant.
You know the (GRUNTING) Whoa! Take my wallet and leave me alone! It's not fair.
(SOBBING) I can't stand seeing one of my children like this.
(MUFFLED SOBBING) Oh, I can still hear her! I better do something! Look at you go! Typety-type-type-type! Marge, I'm pulling an all-nighter for my little girl! Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start making burgers! Some anniversary this is.
"The Homer Times"? HOMER: "All my daughter ever did" "was tell people to think for themselves.
" "I may be her father, but when I grow up," "I want to be just like her, except still a dude!" Oh, Dad, this is so sweet.
But I've learned one little paper can't make a difference in this world.
"The Barney Bugle"? Lisa, you've made me realize the importance of free and independent media.
So I printed my own paper! Although, it's mostly culled from wire services.
(BELCHES) Hey, who wants a copy of The Lenny Saver? You have a newspaper, too? Well, I was reading in The Homer Times about what you did for us.
And I got to thinking maybe I should start asking my own questions.
You know, find out the truth about things.
It had to be told.
Check out The Willie World News.
I reviewed the new tractors.
They're all shite! See, Lisa? Instead of one big shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.
I couldn't be prouder.
Are you a Patty or a Selma? Take our quiz.
Well, blow me down.
I'm a Selma.
Well, I guess it's impossible to control all the media.
Unless of course you're Rupert Murdoch.
He is one beautiful man.
I couldn't agree more.
Smithers, I'm a proud fellow, and it's not easy for me to admit defeat.
But I know just the thing to make me feel better.
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