The Simpsons s15e21 Episode Script

Bart-Mangled Banner

How's the ice cream, kids? - Great! Who's ready for a kitten? - I am! - Make mine calico! Here you go.
this whole morning has been wonderful.
Too wonderful.
You're right; this is it.
They're selling us to be crash test dummies! Oh, please let it be volvo.
Oh, you children are too suspicious.
It's go time.
it's shot day! welcome to hell man avenue medical plaza.
children, you should be grateful you live in a country where childhood diseases have been practically Karate! That hobo skeleton is not a toy! This is ridiculous.
Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles.
Stick me, chuckles! can I have a lollipop? Well, that just leaves bart.
Don't forget maggie! I got her when your heads were turned.
Got her good! Now, bart, just look out the window.
It'll take your mind off the pain.
And when you're done, I've got more lollies! No, thanks.
I already helped myself.
see you later, inoculator! he can run, but nobody escapes the needle.
Darlene, cancel all my appointments.
But I need that kidney now.
black-on-black violence must end.
That was for dr.
King.
Don't feel bad, doc.
I won't even let my mom clip my toenails.
I guess you're just too smart for me, bart.
What? thanks, barney.
Moe, we won't need you now.
Okay, well, I really enjoyed being you, dr.
Hibbert.
Oh, by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more.
I'm sorry.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it, bart? You know, sometimes the fear of whoa, something's wrong! Ah, ah, I can't hear! Doctor! Perform a diagnosis! I'm afraid the inoculation has swollen his ear holes shut.
Maybe this would be a good time to talk about side effects.
The boy's hearing should clear up in a day.
If it doesn't, call me in the bahamas.
For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen.
Cool! Oh, it's a good pen.
Try it out.
That was a malpractice waiver, fool! Stop it, homer! Give your wallet, kid! We're gonna identity theft your ass! he's just standing his ground! He knows that deep down, all bullies are cowards! We're undone! I know what you're hiding, lad.
Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of '88.
But I taught myself to read lips.
Mornin', willie! What'd you say about me mother?! For your information, her feet stink 'cause she works in manure all day! But it's still the best darn starbucks in glasgow! Bart, pass the ketchup.
Bart, pass the ketchup! Dad, he's deaf.
Oh, sorry, right.
Bart, pass the corn.
Bart, pass the corn! I think you should stay home from school tomorrow.
But mom, tomorrow's the big donkey basketball game.
The kids are gonna play the teachers.
Donkey basketball? Now I've heard everything.
Unlike you! everybody, remember that for when his hearing comes back.
Switch! welcome, everyone, to the annual donkey basketball classic.
I'm sure that "mule" enjoy it.
man, tough crowd.
Would everyone just rise for our national anthem? hey, donkey, want a carrot? psyche! good lord! Bart's mooning the flag! Don't look, buttermilk.
how dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against! When you insult the flag, you insult my flag tattoo! what'd ye say about me mother? you'll fry up nice tonight! Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of america's only losing war.
To date.
I swear, bart didn't know what he was doing.
He was deaf.
Oh, sure, marge-- just like "blind bart," "wheelchair bart," "pregnant bart," and my personal favorite, "railroad-spike- through-head bart.
" kids love trains.
Hey, fellas, my hearing's back.
Congratulations traitor! Thank you-- and let me say, I missed your sweet, sweet voices.
Cram it, iraqi! Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon! Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago? We're complex! All right, who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion? I'm your man, boss! I want you to overhype this story so much, it makes the new york post look like the new york times.
Or the new york times look like the new york post.
I forget which one the good one is.
I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked.
There's the boy who bared his bottom to old glory.
And the family that applauds his every moonery.
They hate our country, but they love our soapy water! Hey, benedict arnold, our cups don't want your colorful balls.
No one calls me unpatriotic.
hey, guys.
Oh, cold shoulder, huh? Well, I'll just talk to myself.
Hey, how ya doing, homer? Oh, not too bad.
How about you? Oh, I'm fine.
Your wife was great in bed last night.
You keep your hands off my wife! Oh, yeah? Well, I give her what she needs.
And she like homer! Stop it! This bar's only for real americans.
And people on permanent visas, like me.
What? What are you all looking at? I'm dutch.
Eh, forget all of you.
I'm leaving, too-- I'm gonna go listen to the president's weekly radio address.
And not the rebuttal! Good-bye, homer.
I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect.
Even my best friends have left me.
I'm all alone! We've become pariahs! In the last two hours, I've gotten 1,000 hate spams.
y'ello.
Appear on your tv show? Tell our side of the story? You'll see us there?! Good-bye?! Dial tone?! If there's one way to get the truth out, it's on a cable news channel.
When we explain our side of the story, the hate calls will end.
I won't have to hear, "suck my such and such" or "hell this" and "bitch that" we get it, mom.
No, no, let her finish Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? Son, I've learned one thing in this life: To stay out of trouble, just say nothing.
Don't rock the boat.
Don't even get in the boat.
Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier.
But don't go in the bathrooms, they're filthy.
Dad, I am going on a talk show.
I have to say something.
Talk about boats! Then when he asks you if you hate this country, you just start crying and pretend you don't.
But I don't hate this country.
There, there, save your lies for the american public.
I'm nash castor, and it's time to butt heads.
Bart simpson, what do you hate most about this country? Is it the freedom? Nash, I've realized something.
I'm the worst kid in the world, and the last thing I deserve is forgiveness.
But with a little help from jesus and our fighting men and women overseas all right, so if I hear you correctly, you're saying america is better than jesus.
Do you agree? Uh, before he can answer-- do you? Well, america's not perfect so, america isn't perfect.
Is that why you and your son hate us? If by "us", you mean loudmouthed talk show hosts-- which everyone seems to be in this country-- then yes, I do hate americans! what'd she say? Wow, marge, I'm surprised you haven't been run out of town.
I'll have you know I am very well-liked in springfield.
There you have it-- springfield hates america.
Now, coming up after this commercial, I will be talking even louder.
Don't miss it! All over the country tonight, patriotic americans are denouncing springfield and its official spokesmen, the simpsons.
I declare today, december 25, "we hate springfield day.
" Overseas the reaction tonight is decidedly different.
Simpsons be praised! Praise be to springfield! But not everyone is ululating tonight.
The president announced today he is pointing warheads at turn that off! This could destroy our town! Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina.
If they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk.
Sir, conventions are pulling out of springfield left and right.
The paprika festival, bandana days sir, we just lost the adult video awards.
Not the boneys! I am honored to announce that we are changing the name of our town to liberty-ville! $17.
76?! I can't afford to sell a westside home for that! But what a fantastical year for pizza by the slice! charge a-money for the pizza buy myself a big-a new car.
I'm as patriotic as the next person, but changing the traffic lights to red, white and blue just seems dangerous.
Come on, kid, go! You got the red! Okay, mr.
Teeny, before the cops come, swallow all these illegal pills, then run to the vet.
homeland noodles with uncle sam balls? Apu, aren't you going a bit overboard with the patriotism? Oh I don't think so.
It is a heartfelt expression of my true desire to protect my mahogany noggin.
Poonam and uma are fighting! No, no.
Those are their pre-witch hunt names.
Their new names are freedom, lincoln, condoleeza, coke, pepsi, manifest destiny, apple pie and superman.
And together, we're the macgillicuddys.
Lord, give us the courage to worship the american flag, be it on a car, a belt buckle, or on your holy person.
Ay caramba! I'd like to say something about the current climate of repression and fear.
Oh, put a fork in it! Sit down, saddam! "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.
" That's from the first amendment to the constitution.
Thank you.
- Thank you, lisa.
I'm sure your opinion will not go unnoticed.
Simpsons, you're under arrest for the violation of the government knows best act.
Martha! Play something to lighten the mood.
buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks I don't I can't believe they put us in jail.
It's not a jail.
It's a "reeducation center.
" Well, where do you think we are? Well, let's see.
After they blindfolded us, it was left, right, left, then a three-hour plane ride.
do you get time off for snitching on your cell mates? You were right, homie.
We shouldn't have rocked the boat.
Then none of this would have ever happened.
Well, we're not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned.
Check out all the left-wing celebrities.
Elmo go to wrong fund-raiser.
Bill clinton? What are you doing here? I called the republican tax cuts unwise.
And I stand by it.
They're unwise! I want my washington post! Here's your washington post! You like that, clinton? You traitors pipe down! You're all here because you hate freedom! I'm here because I said imported wines are better than napa valley.
Yeah? Well, why don't you take a nap-a? my only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from canada.
I don't know why they put the real ones in with the joke ones.
hello.
I'm the U.
S.
Constitution, and I'm over 200 years old, but I'm feeling fine.
I wish I could say the same for my crazy cousin, bill o' rights.
What did I do? What did I do? lisa, that's not funny.
You believe in the bill of rights.
I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentathol, or that it's the only cartoon I've seen in two months, but this is what I believe in now.
Oh, homer, we've got to get out of here.
Yeah, yeah.
Next commercial.
I know a way out.
Who are you? I'm the last registered democrat.
Tax and spend! Tax and spend! now, if you want to escape, you can do it during the prison talent show tomorrow night.
I don't want to be in any stupid talent show.
Not without my tennessee walking horses.
Well, you've got no choice.
It's the only way you'll achieve your goal.
Goal! sweet, sweet goal! Thank you.
Vote for me for "best in show.
" You guys are on after al franken, so the guards will have used up most of their bullets.
Make your break at the end of your act.
Now, people have accused this family of not loving our country, but you can't spell "U.
S.
A.
" Without us eh? oh, beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of grain okay, kids, show off your pipes americans are brave and loyal so come on, jerks, give us your oil my card here says "aclu" now look what I'm going to do to love our country is no chore wait right here for our encore.
we mean it, don't move.
they've escaped! Okay, kids, show off your pipes dad, why are you still singing that stupid song? Because if they catch us, we may have to do it again.
And this time, I want it tight.
What genius put a prison on the middle of an island? Does everyone remember their swimming lessons? Yes.
Yes.
- No.
Great, dive in.
Hold your fire.
That walrus will eat them.
- No, that's the dad.
But he's eating a seal.
Swim toward san francisco! I'm not made of money! We'll swim to oakland.
There's a ship! We're saved! Oh, what's the use? Even if they pick us up, we'll go back to jail 'cause they think we hate america.
I don't want to end up like elmo, hanging himself in prison.
Mes amis, we hate america, too.
Come to France and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the germans.
I've always wanted to go to France.
Your women don't age-- like catherine deneuve.
Eh, you wait till you see her up close, then you tell me.
Maman, please pass ze baguette.
The food is so delicious here.
And these chanel suits are five for a dollar.
I'm using a jacket as a napkin.
And here, no one calls me a fat jerk.
I'm a gourmand.
And yet, I miss america.
I miss america, too.
The united states has its grandeur and its follies, but, mostly, it's the place where all our stuff is.
I wish we could go back, but I don't think we're welcome there.
No, marge, there's one group that's always welcome in america-- immigrants without I.
D.
well, kids, this is the first chapter of our brand-new lives in america.
Name? - Simpson.
From now on,you're the simps! Mm, that'll save time.
Now, kids, it'll take us a while to assimilate.
I'll start out as a cop, then, with time, become a dirty cop.
I think I'm going to like this america.
Everywhere around the world they're coming to america every time that flag's unfurled they're coming to america got a dream to take them there they're coming to america Lord Damon