The Simpsons s15e20 Episode Script

The Way We Weren't

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) I don't understand this game, Bart.
How come we have to rake your lawn while you just get to sit there? Because I'm "it".
Now whoever finishes first gets lemonade.
BOTH: Yay! For me.
Later when we wash his bike, I'm not gonna do a good job.
I'm telling Mr.
Bart! Shh! Hey, guys.
(GIGGLING) Uh-oh.
Girls.
You guys need your cootie shots.
(BOTH CRYING OUT IN PAIN) Well, I hate this job, but I love the health plan.
Okay, ladies.
Don't you have a poodle to dress up? Fine, we'll go.
We'll find some other way to entertain our boy-crazy cousin who thinks you're cute.
Oh, I wouldn't mind pushing that in the mud.
(MUMBLING) Homer drunk? But how? Hmm.
Round and round the bottle twirls, I hope it stops on one of the girls.
(GASPING) I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine.
Ew! Ugh! Ew! I kissed that sad weird kid! My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine.
(SOBBING) Why you little (CHOKING) My first kiss.
Stop it, Homer! There's only one way to settle this.
In Simpson Family Court.
What the hell's that? I got the idea from a now discredited book on raising children.
(GAVEL BANGS) Now up, the case of Simpson v.
Simpson.
Mr.
Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a 10-year-old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss? Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little league team? What? Permission to treat this witness as hostile.
Homer, I'll bet when you were kissing girls, and tipping dinosaurs.
Your father's first kiss was in high school, with me.
Actually, Marge, there was someone before you.
(GASPING) it was years ago when I was 1 Or maybe it was the early '70s.
Underprivileged? You pretended we were poor just to get me into camp? Uh, yeah, pretended.
Hey, you must be Homer! I'm Lenny and this is Carl.
Wow, a Negro.
We prefer the term "black.
" So cool.
Heya, fellas.
I'm Moe.
I'm your junior counselor.
(CHUCKLING) Moe's not really a counselor.
His parents dropped him off here, like, two years ago and they never came back for him.
I sleep under upside-down canoes.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (CARL AND LENNY GROANING) (ALL LAUGHING) D'oh! In the summertime when the weather is high (ALL YELLING) That's the girls' camp right over there.
(COY GIGGLING) Hi.
Oh! I can't wait to meet the girls! ALL: Wha That's right.
You're working in the kitchen.
That's how our camp pays the bills.
What bills? We got no water, no heat.
We catch our own breakfast.
Twelve kids died at our camp.
We need the money to pay lawyers.
I thought we were gonna play fun games at camp.
Oh, here's one! It's called "Stay out of my way.
" Idiot.
YOUNG MARGE: Oh, no.
My retainer.
I got it! Ooh la la! A girl with teeth! Me like.
YOUNG MARGE: Oh, thank you.
You sound so sweet.
(CHUCKLING) That's 'cause I've eaten 16 pieces of pie.
(BOTH GIGGLING) You know, doing dishes has been the best part of camp.
YOUNG MARGE: Really? Why? Because I talked to you.
YOUNG MARGE: Aw! I couldn't see her through the flaps, but she's my kind of girl.
Tell us more about the flaps.
To me, they were the rubbery gates of heaven because behind them was the girl of my dreams.
Oh, man.
Someday love'll come sliding down my chute.
Well, I can ask if she has any friends because she wants to meet me tonight.
Way to go! Out of sight! Now, Homer, if you're gonna go, you better take some protection.
Oh, a switchblade! I see the switch, but where's the blade? (CLICKING) D'oh! Found it.
An eye patch? But I've got a date tonight.
Oh, don't worry.
Chicks love that kind of thing.
Patches, scars, stumps.
Everything but zits.
All right, how should I get there? Hmm.
I guess it's row versus wade.
And it's my right to choose! Are you looking to cross the lake which separates ye from she? Who are you? The sailing instructor.
And on movie night, I run the projector.
Only PG.
Nothing R.
Yarrr.
HOMER: I couldn't believe my eye.
She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Until I met your mother, who made that girl look like a Godzilla made of garbage! Homer, that girl was me! (ALL GASPING) How romantic.
You and Dad were drawn to each other as kids and you didn't even realize it! Yes.
And then your father broke my heart.
And if I'd known it was you, I never would have married you.
Oh, this is so confusing! I'd like a brief recess.
Granted.
(BANGS GAVEL) Whee! Recess! (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) (GIGGLING) Whee! Let me get this straight.
When you were my age, you had the hots for Mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool or is it lame? I guess I'll go with lame.
You were lame! Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.
I've kissed three girls.
(SOBBING) I'm so lame! You're not gonna be kissing anybody for a while! Well, that stinks! But I still get to kiss you, right? (GRUMBLES) Mom, why are you so mad? I'll start from the beginning.
The girls' camp was focused on teaching etiquette and deportment.
Now that I've captured your interest, let me continue.
By summer's end, I promise you will all walk like ladies, talk like ladies, and hold your liquor like ladies.
Now chin up, head back, legs together.
Excellent.
Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milk-horse.
Now stand and walk.
(STRUGGLING) Well done.
I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
Thank you.
I used to walk like this all the time until my tendons snapped.
They heard it in Shelbyville.
Anyhoo, one night we had a special dinner.
We were learning to use all 33 forks.
Young lady, that is not an olive fork! Here's a simple trick to help you remember.
Ow! Hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Knife and fork together, denied yourself dessert.
Nice work, Marge.
Really.
Oh, no! My retainer! YOUNG HOMER: I got it! Oh! I'd thank you, but I don't even know your name.
I bet it's something low-rent like Billy Bob.
Or Homer.
Big ugly Homer! (GIGGLING SPITEFULLY) Oh, I'm sure it's a much nicer name than Homer.
Er Think, Homer.
Think.
YOUNG MARGE: What did you say? I'm Elvis! Elvis Jagger.
Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
(LAUGHING HEARTILY) I told my friends I had a date.
What should I wear? Should I paint my toes? And what should I do with my hair? You could iron it.
Iron my hair? That's what Leslie Uggams does! BART: Leslie who? MARGE: Uggams! Oh, it's really straightening out.
(CRIES OUT) Hmm.
I guess I'm going to have to be a brunette tonight.
Oh, dear me.
One day as a straight-haired brunette.
I feel so bad for you.
Stupid girl! Please don't be a freak.
Please don't be a freak.
SEA CAPTAIN: I met her on the mountain There I took her life Met her on the mountain Stabbed her with my knife (WHIMPERING) Hi.
Oh.
He's cute.
And he's got an eye patch.
I've never seen a boy so mysterious.
You must be Elvis.
Elvis? What the hell kind of name is Oh, yeah.
Right.
We've heard the same story two times now.
Whose side are we gonna hear next? The Sea Captain's? No, no.
I'd best be on me way.
I'll just take some Teddy Grahams for the road.
There goes a good friend.
Now I'm gonna warn you kids, the next part of the story gets a little WB.
Oh, man.
I want to kiss her.
Wait.
I just thought of the greatest move ever! (EXAGGERATED YAWNING) Oh, no.
He yawned.
I'm boring him.
Do you like music? I do.
I like Bobby Goldsboro, Gilbert O'Sullivan, Terry Jacks, Parliament, but not Funkadelic.
How am I supposed to kiss those things? Interrupt her with something witty.
Er Um Yes? Kiss her already.
What are you, chicken? (CLUCKING) Is he making chicken noises? Imagine me and you, I do I think about you day and night It's only right To think about the girl you love and hold her tight So happy together If I should call you up, invest a dime And you say you belong to me and ease my mind Imagine how the world could be so very fine So happy together Ahhh! I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice it had to be The only one for me is you, and you for me So happy together Way to go, Dad! The perfect kiss! It was pretty delicious.
It was as satisfying as a million Hallmark cards with all the right sized envelopes.
(SIGHING) it felt like a cluster bomb wiping out a graveyard full of zombies.
(SIGHING) But then your father showed his true colors.
Uh-oh! Will I see you again tomorrow? Absolutely.
Or my name isn't Whatever I told you it was.
MARGE: So we arranged to meet again at Second Date Rock.
(HUMMING) (SIGHING) I guess he's not coming.
It was years before I could trust a boy again.
(SOBBING) That's horrible.
How could you, Dad? Because he's the kind who kisses and leaves you! (SOBBING) I can't believe you stood Mom up.
Face it, Lise.
Men are dogs.
The worse we treat you, the more you want us.
That's not what dogs do.
(LAUGHING) You said "dog doo!" (CHUCKLING) She sure did.
Now if Lisa's finished with her shenanigans, I'll tell you why I didn't show up.
We had just finished our first smooch.
And I felt a feeling I had never felt before.
I found this stone earlier.
I was gonna use it as a nerd smasher.
But I want you to have it.
Ooh, it looks like a heart.
Hey, you're right! Give it back! Oh, no, I still want you to have it.
But every time you smash a nerd with it, think of me.
I will.
See you tomorrow night, okay? (SIGHING) What a kiss.
If I died now, I'd die happy.
(SCREAMING) Oh, what a view! (SCREAMING) Good ol' patch! You saved my life! Ahhh! So you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from Fat Camp.
Because the only way out is up a gentle slope.
What the Fat Camp? (WHISTLE BLOWING) (GROANING) (PANTING) I don't belong here! Heh! Your boy bosoms tell a different tale.
(GRUNTING) Okay.
Take a break, ladies.
No eating the grass! Hey, he didn't say nothing about this poison oak! Sweet, sweet poison.
Uh-oh! (GROANING) (VIBRATING) Ohhh I've gotta go.
I've got a date.
Yeah, you've got a date with a skinless chicken breast.
(LAUGHING) Somewhere out there, she's waiting for me.
Hello.
I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name! I will out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? (GRUNTS ANGRILY) And that's the origin of that.
(SOBBING) That boy I kissed wouldn't even tell me his real name.
Typical.
All boys want the same thing, to kiss until they're hot and heavy, then vamoose.
Trust us.
We know everything about boys except what they look like below the waist.
I have some theories based on a G.
L.
Joe I bought.
Well, I l never want to date a boy again! (SOBBING) Are you leaving camp because of that boy? Because that's what I've been telling everybody.
You're also pregnant.
I just can't stay here.
Everything reminds me of him.
Oh! (GRUNTING) Oh, the pain! (GROANING) Man was not meant to sit up! Oh! We've got an emergency here.
We need 10 cc's pronto.
And by cc's, I mean cupcakes.
MAN: I know what you mean, Bill.
I've worked here longer than you.
Now's my chance! (PANTING) Love conquers all! Snake! Bye-bye! Thank God they're gone.
I can't believe I went five minutes without one of these dream sticks.
Hey, have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl? If you are who I think you are, that girl is gone.
And she never wants to see you again.
She wouldn't do that.
We shared something special.
What? Just 'cause she smooched you? Was that special? (SOBBING) No! (SOBBING) I just blew my first chance at true love.
And now that my special girl has heard the truth, I know she'll forgive me.
Earth to special girl, you'll forgive me, right? I guess so.
Uh, I think we'll go to bed now.
What are you doing? If they fight in front of us, we might get new bikes.
Homer, when you nurse a hurt for 30 years, it doesn't go away in an instant.
What about now? (FRUSTRATED NOISE) What about now? No, Homer.
What about now? No, Homer.
What about now? No, Homer.
Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you.
But I've done way worse stuff since then.
There was the gun I hid from you.
The time I sued the church.
Ruining Lisa's wedding in the future.
Remember that? Homie, I know this shouldn't bother me, but a girl only has one first love.
(SIGHING) I guess it didn't mean that much to you.
That's not true! I thought about that girl every day of my life until I met you.
I wish there was some way I could believe that.
All right.
This is my memory box.
I haven't opened it in 30 years.
Ooh! A letter from my old pen pal.
Someday I'll write you back, Osama.
Ah! Here's what I'm looking for.
Oh, Homie! You did care! I sure did.
I kept it right next to my lBM stocking.
I kept my heart, too.
Because somehow you realized I was a good guy after all? No.
As a reminder of the hurtful things men can do.
(GULPING) But now it can have a second meaning.
MARGE: Oh, Elvis.
HOMER: Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge! (KISSING) English - US - PSDH