The Simpsons s30e01 Episode Script

1 [SHORT, INDISTINCT SOUND BITES.]
- Everyone - [ALL SINGING.]
- ANNOUNCER: was napping.
- - Ahmed Adoody.
- MARGE: Wait, there's - My people.
- come down to the Stu [GRUNTS.]
Steamed ham.
The cosmic ballet goes on.
- Gigantism.
- King of the world! Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer.
- It is? - What's his name? Number Eight.
Uh, I mean, Santa's Little Helper.
Why does Homer talk like Walter Matthau? [CELLO PLAYING.]
Hey, Martin Princess.
If you like that cello so much, why don't you marry it? - No heckling.
- Way to quash 'em, sir.
Hey, Skinner, if you like Chalmers so much, why don't you marry him? Well, as the superintendent, he's married to all the principals.
Thank you.
You've made the anniversary of my wife's death even more depressing.
Who likes happy songs? [CHEERING.]
Well, for those of you who didn't cheer, here's a very sad song about the world today.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
Oh, why do I always use flowers with two petals? [MELANCHOLY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Simpson, pull the fire alarm.
You want me to embarrass my sister in front of the whole school? No.
I dared you.
Don't do it, Bart.
Please.
I love you.
I'm not doing it.
I'm refusing a dare.
You just signed your death warrant, Simpson.
And we're the witnesses.
All we need is a notary.
- ALL [CHANTING.]
: Notary.
Notary.
- We'll see.
Oh, it's that kid who refused a dare.
His life is ruined.
I'm turning my back on you.
Hi, Bart.
Simpson, I'd like to see you in my office.
Your parents are waiting.
KIDS: Whoa.
[SINGSONGY.]
: Bart's got a dad.
Bart's got a dad.
I do not.
Bart, I just want to say I'm so proud of you.
Dad, do you think I did the right thing? Of course, absolutely.
You did the worst thing any boy can do.
It's worse than wetting your pants while on Santa's lap, and I've been on both sides of that one.
I'm sorry.
Bart, you have to take a dare.
- B-B-But what if it's? - Any dare.
GRAMPA, Dad says I have to take a dare.
I had Homer on a dare, and as horrible as that worked out, I'd do that again.
Why did someone dare you to have Homer? It was after the war; we needed babies.
Bart, I have a secret.
I've never been happier to be your mother.
You're a good boy.
Mom, please.
Somebody might hear you.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[KIDS LAUGHING.]
Oh, look at him! [SQUEALS.]
Ha-ha.
Bart's mom wears a seat belt.
[LAUGHTER.]
Let them laugh, Bart.
This is wonderful.
Every laugh turns into one more smoochie-poo from Mom.
[SMOOCHING.]
Cut it out.
[BOAT HORN BLOWS.]
Three cheers for the mama's boys.
Sorry to do this on Mother's Day! [SPLASHING.]
So, Simpson, word on the street is you're looking for a dare.
Yeah, fine.
I need to get this monkey off my back.
Hey, how about that for a dare? Putting a monkey on his back.
And after we're done, then what? We have a monkey that's our permanent responsibility.
Yeah, think ahead, dingus.
Simpson, I dare you to jump into the reservoir from Dead Boy's Ledge.
We'll be watching from Haw-Haw Heights.
Simpson, is that your kid? Oh, my God.
I've got to stop him! I dare you not to.
Oh, uh, oh.
It was a joke, idiot.
Get your kid.
[LAUGHS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
Bart! Do I really have to do this? JIMBO: I dare you.
[ECHOING.]
: Dare you.
Dare you.
Dare you.
I love Echo Canyon.
Oh, this place sure has a lot of names.
Cowabunga! [SCREAMS.]
We've done all we could.
Run! Beat it! - [BEEPING.]
- He'll be fine.
- [CHIMES.]
- And my burrito's ready.
Mmm.
Your boy should wake up soon.
Mmm.
All right.
This time, he's really done it.
We're gonna have to do something.
Change schools.
Move.
Whatever it takes.
Mom? - Sweetie, are you okay? - I am.
Then why would you do such a stupid, stupid thing? Marge, Marge.
As someone who's fallen off a cliff multiple times, the best thing we can do is teach him how to fall off cliffs.
I just want to know, Bart.
I had hope and now I don't.
Why? Please, O Lord.
Let him think of an awesome lie.
Well, when I was in the other world What other world? Hmm, hmm I'm not sure.
But it was joyful, clouds, harps, Abe Lincoln.
Oh, my God, Marge! I think our son went to heaven.
Were there any other presidents? - No.
- It was heaven.
What else, boy? I have a message for you, Mom.
- From who? - Jesus.
Don't say that if it's not true.
You have to believe him, Marge.
It's a deathbed confession.
He's not on his deathbed.
The guy in the bed before him died.
Mom.
Jesus said to tell you, "Things will get better.
" Oh, I really want to believe that.
If you saw Jesus, did you see anything else? I saw your dad, Grandpa Bouvier.
Tell me something he said that only I would know.
- He said - HOMER: Hmm? he thinks Homer is an idiot.
[MARGE GASPS, HOMER GROANS.]
Oh, my God, I can hear his voice through you.
[CRYING.]
: Excuse me a minute.
Good work, boy.
You got us off the hook in the short term, which is all that ever matters.
[GRUNTS.]
- Tell me more about heaven, son.
- Jesus rides a rainbow horse.
Fascinating.
Is the horse rainbow-colored? Or does it walk on a rainbow? Uh rainbows come out its butt.
[GASPS.]
Let me ponder that with joy.
Mmm.
Tell me more, son.
Well, there's no cracks on the sidewalks.
And saying you brushed your teeth makes it true.
You can go to baseball games with all the dead players.
And you always catch a home run.
And the angels talk to each other like this: [TRILLS LIPS.]
Does this, uh, Jesus have any tattoos or distinguishing marks? No, but he really thinks the sermons are too long.
Boys, we're gonna have a talk with the Reverend.
LISA: Bart.
I've held my tongue, because I appreciate you not ruining my song.
Can't ruin what already sucks.
Burn.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
I'm just gonna say it.
I don't think you really saw Jesus.
You know, the Lord warned me there'd be disbelievers.
Begone! I don't know why you're doing this, but beware, little lies lead to big lies.
- And big lies get punished.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
[GRAVELLY VOICE.]
: Ooh! That's the Devil ringing that bell.
Are you gonna answer? Hey, don't think you can scare the boy who died and went to heaven.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- [GRAVELLY VOICE.]
: Get the door.
Hey, cut it out.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
: Oh, no, it's stuck.
Hello, Bart.
We are Christian movie producers.
So you give all your profits back to the church? Uh [COUGHS.]
You uh Could you, uh, uh Could you get your dad? Homer, we're the best in the business.
Our films average 98% on Rotten Communion Wafers.
Now, we'd like to tell your son's story.
You want to make a movie out of what happened to Bart? Well, absolutely.
Unless it's not true.
HOMER: Okay, I could admit the boy totally lied or I could make a movie inspired by true events.
[GIGGLES.]
Brother Homer, why do you hesitate? I hesitate because I am stunned that you doubt the Word of God! - [GASPING.]
- Whoa.
Then we have a deal.
Not so fast.
Like most of America, I think I know the movie business.
Please.
What would you like? I want input on the script.
I want two seats to the premiere.
And my wife needs a seat as well.
And I'm not thanking the Georgia Film Commission, no matter what.
We will need to pray on this, Brother Homer.
Of course.
So will we.
Kneel down, boy.
What for? Because we're going to pray like we often do.
Heavenly God, who art in heaven, holler out your name.
Thy Kingdom come.
I'm almost done.
Ooh.
Can this square join your circle? Absotively-posilutely.
In that same spirit, I'm glad to hear it.
- Oh, hi-diddly-do.
- A-dum-dum-diddly.
- Diddly-doodly, brother.
- Diddly-doodly-diddly-dice.
- Nice to diddly meet you.
- Brotherino.
I heard movie meetings were horrible, but I had no idea.
Well, perhaps you could write the screenplay with Brother Homer.
Um, eh, I don't think so.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm being filled with the spirit of Jesus.
Oh, yeah? What's he saying? He says he wants Dad and Mr.
Flanders to work together day after day in a tiny room, preferably holding hands.
Why, you No booze, sodas, or chocolate milk.
And the only snacks are celery sticks.
Celery sticks.
- [GROANS.]
- Not done yet.
Dad, Jesus wants you to take Flanders bowling.
- [ANGRY GROAN.]
- Tie his shoes for him.
- What for? - And kiss his ball.
- Why, you - This is the Word of the Lord.
With that kind of attention, I could roll a 73.
[GROANING.]
: Oh What are you guys doing? What's it look like? We're working.
[ANNOYED GRUNT.]
Maybe we should take a break.
Good idea.
Okay, come on.
Lenny, you've pitched "That's what she said" 30 times already.
I highly doubt that's the Word of God.
- Try something else.
- That's what she said.
[LAUGHS.]
That's great! That's going in.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Lenny and me.
Mine.
Mostly mine.
Mine.
Mine.
I was thinking it when Barney said it.
Mine.
Reading for Marge Emily Deschanel.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, first, I have a question for you.
On Bones, did you ever have any bones with meat left on them, and if so, where are those bones? Maybe she should just read the part.
[AS MARGE.]
: Homie, because of everything that's happened, I think we need to take a break.
[CRYING.]
: No! Marge, no! A break means forever.
I'll change.
I will.
No, Homer, she's just acting the part.
Oh.
Oh, of course, of course, yes.
As a help to me, when you're acting, could you hold up one hand so I'll know? Oh, o-okay.
- Thank you.
- [AS MARGE.]
: Homie.
Yes, Marge.
You have a question? Ugh.
She's acting! Right, right, right.
She's acting.
When you're acting, could you raise one arm and swing your foot in a circle and keep winking? [AS MARGE.]
: Listen, Homie.
Marge, what are you doing?! You're acting really weird.
Is he okay? You thought I was okay when you married me.
[HUFFS.]
Actors.
Gal Gadot reading for Lisa.
- You've got the part! - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I know you were great in Fast and Furious, but what else have you been in? Uh did you see Wonder Woman? Whenever I see the DC logo, I immediately fall asleep.
Homer, she's got the part.
Okay, you get this and I get Gene Hackman for me.
Huh.
He already said no.
Then you have to help me kidnap him.
GAL: Excuse me.
So, do you want to put me on tape or? Hey! Can we use your magic lasso to kidnap Gene Hackman? No.
Barney is here to read for Noah.
There's no Noah in this movie.
All right, but you better tell the camels.
[SCRUBBING.]
Mom, do you really believe Bart's story? Lisa, do you know how I've gotten to this point in life? Two things blind faith and a little wine.
Can you get me the wine that I keep in Mommy's knitting basket? I know where you keep it.
There was no knitting in there.
[GULPS.]
Ah! Jesus said to tell you, "Things will get better.
" And cut.
I wish you and I had a relationship like that.
Why, you little They wish they had a relationship like us! Uh, there is nothing a director can do on set that's wrong.
Take five, everybody.
What do you want? I told you, lies lead to punishment, especially when you film them.
What are you talking about? If you really saw Grandpa Bouvier, which finger was he missing? I believe he was wearing a beekeeping outfit when I saw him.
[CHUCKLES.]
Trick question.
He's missing a leg.
BART: Okay.
So maybe I fudged a few things.
It's not the original lie that gets people.
It's the cover-up.
It's gonna get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse.
Dad, I'm starting to feel weird.
I'm not your Dad.
I'm the actor playing him.
You need all that padding to play Homer? Yes, and I'm fat to begin with.
Okay, this one's for China.
This one's for Australia.
And this one's for the youth market.
- Dad? - This is all because of you.
I have never been so excited.
Now what do you want to say? Um, is there anything you want to tell anyone? Any inaccuracies or blatant lies? [QUIETLY.]
: The scene we said is New York is actually downtown Calgary, and vice versa.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANING.]
No, no.
I'm going to heaven! [HEAVENLY CHORUS SINGS.]
[SCRAPING.]
Hello, Bart.
Didn't they give you a real leg in heaven? I lost it in a bet.
A bet that my grandson was a good boy.
Save me, Jesus! I'm trying very hard to forgive you.
It is very tough.
[WHIMPERS.]
What are you gonna do to me? Bart, God is love.
[HEAVENLY CHORUS SINGS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[BART GRUNTS.]
And here's Marge with the actress who played her.
Oh, in real life we don't get along.
[REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
Who are you worshipping? Are you telling the truth? He will not be taking any questions unless they're submitted in writing on an index card with some bacon on it.
Turkey bacon does not count.
Tell the people what you have witnessed, Bartholomew.
And if they doubt you, viciously attack their character.
Yes, Jesus.
Bart, you're my hero.
Now, who wants a hamburger? I would never say any of those things.
Now sing, Bart.
- Sing because I cannot.
- [LISA GROANS.]
One more chance It is my destiny To start my road To Christianity I always knew he had a mission Thank God we called off the mortician One more chance ALL: He's alive, someone quick call Channel 5 One more chance.
Eh.
Not enough Bart.
Oh, someone pinch me.
Thank you.
Thank you for this Christian Oscar.
And I'd like to thank the Academy of Arts and Anti-Sciences.
[KNOCKING.]
Are you guys awake? Mm.
What's the matter, sweetie? Mom, I lied about everything.
Oh, my God! Don't worry, Marge.
It's just a little movie.
Nobody will see it.
Mr.
Flanders just called.
The movie's on pace to make a hundred million dollars.
It crushed all the good movies that came out this week.
Take that, Paul Thomas Anderson.
Oh, my God.
Our movie's a hit and a lie.
Oh, all hit movies are lies, Marge.
Did you see Argo? None of that happened.
And I have strong doubts about The Incredibles.
Well, we have to tell people the truth.
Of course, of course.
Could we do it after the Golden Globes? MARGE, LISA AND BART: No! But that's the one with TV people and movie people in the same room.
We said no! [PROTESTERS CLAMORING.]
FLANDERS: First off, we will donate every penny of our profits to charity.
Keeping only enough money to cover changing our lives in a major way.
- Hey, what is this? - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Fine, fine, fine, all of it.
Okay, look, I just want to say, I'm just a man trying to raise his son.
I make mistakes.
Sometimes they're little, sometimes they're big.
Blame me, but don't blame the boy for being a boy.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh.
And let me just ask this.
Is it possible any other religious beliefs are founded on myths? This interview is over.
God created the world in seven days.
See you later.
In what some are calling the worst scandal in the history of religion, Bart Simpson lied when he claimed he had talked to Jesus.
But maybe part of the fault lies with us for desperately wanting a miracle in these troubled times.
Times which we bring into your homes at 5:00, 6:00 and 11:00.
Here's a hobo lost in a hurricane.
Um, I had a hat! Hey, Bart.
I brought you some ice cream.
BART: Up here.
The only friend I have is the Frisbee on the roof.
[WIND WHISTLING.]
Hmm.
Well, you'll always have me.
- [SHINGLES CREAKING.]
- Careful.
Dad didn't nail these in too well.
You think God'll forgive me? Don't tell anyone I said that.
Well, if there is a God, from what I know, said God will forgive you if you truly have remorse in your heart.
Well, thanks, Lis.
Don't tell anyone I asked you that.
I did it 'cause you're the smartest person I know.
And don't tell anybody I said that.
I won't! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
[SIGHS.]
Dad must have raked the leaves today.
Now that's a miracle.
I made it.
Gal Gadot?! They like me so much, I get to visit.
I made it, too, boy, and Jesus really wants to meet you.
Go on in! Where are you going? This place is so boring.
FLANDERS: Time for another game of "Mother, May I?" [GROANING.]
: Oh! Please send me back to Earth.
Yes, yes.
You can be a turtle or a pharmaceutical CEO.
Turtle, please.
Hmm.