The Simpsons s30e02 Episode Script

Heartbreak Hotel

1 MAN [OVER TV]: One month ago, 12 couples arrived on this tropical island.
After an emergency balloon landing, a jellyfish explosion and the most-viewed cantaloupe catapult accident of all time, just four couples remain.
I'm Tag Tuckerbag, and this is the greatest adventure to take place in just one place.
- TAG: The Amazing Place! - SIMPSONS: The Amazing Place! The Place Show.
LISA: The final challenge is the Lily Pad Leap.
They haven't done the LP Leap since season 22, "Beauty versus Sexy.
" Kayla, don't step on the stem.
You'll flip the pad.
You should know that.
You're a life coach.
- They flipped the pad! - TAG: They flipped the pad.
[GROANS] What a noob.
Hector and Audrey Chang, you have won - The Amazing Place! - [CHEERING] - Called it.
- Mom, you always call the winner.
How do you know? Well, your father may have Moe's and football, but I have being by myself and this show.
ANNOUNCER: Do you like adventure, bandanas and having your friends see you melt down on TV? We want you for season 48 of The Amazing Place.
Why don't you guys try out for that show? You would dominate.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
You know what they say: you don't fail at 100% of the shots you don't take.
But you've watched every episode of the show and listened to the director commentaries.
You even made us play the terrible home game.
[MARGE GROANS] - Come on, Mom.
- Just try out.
- Come on, try out.
- Come on.
- [WHISPERING]: Come on, try out.
- [HOMER SNORING] - Try out.
- Try out, Mom.
- Try out! - Try out! - Come on, just do it, Mom! - Come on! Just try out! - [HOARSE]: Come on.
- Mom.
- Just try out.
- Why don't you try out? - Just try out.
- Come on, do it.
I'm not trying out, so just can it.
[GASPS] I said "can it" to my own children.
What have I become? Baby, you've got to tell them sometime.
Tell us what? We know all the family secrets.
Like that Dad lost our college funds investing in a chain of chewing tobacco cafes.
Dippin' Dens was a great idea.
We just weren't prepared for all the spitting.
Well, I might as well come clean.
[SIGHS] The real tragedy is now Chaw House owns the entire casual chewing market.
The truth is, we have tried out.
Dozens of times.
Why should you pick us to be on The Amazing Place? Because we're best friends who never bicker.
Wee constantly at each other's throats.
We're motorcycle bikers.
That's our persona.
We have no idea what you want.
Just please pick us.
Why are you still doing this? We were already on that show where we had to crawl into a drainage ditch.
That was just you, and it wasn't a show.
It was a police bodycam.
That was a good show.
After 46 rejections, I can take a hint.
They don't want us.
You know, reality shows love a sob story, and we've got a storage bin full of tears.
And I've got a sister who will edit them together while I feed the dog marshmallows and see what happens.
- Ow! - [GRUNTING] Oh, we're not here to make friends.
Unless I meet some awesome guy who-who wants to be my friend.
Yeah, I met this really cool guy at the boba place, but he said he was moving to Hong Kong and, uh, he didn't know his number yet.
Every reality show needs that crazy, no-limits guy that just shatters society's taboos, right? Well, break out your pixelation machine, because I am your bug-eating nude fatso.
Oh, also, I'm not here to make friends.
Oh, my God, married kids? You're in the show.
- Ew, no.
- We're here on behalf of some different weirdos.
Our parents have tried out for every season of The Amazing Place.
My dad would even record my mom opening your letters in case they got picked.
Mm-hmm.
[GASPS] [SIGHING]: Oh.
[MOANING]: Oh.
[SIGHS] So think what a magical TV moment it would be for our mom to find out she made it on the show.
After losing all hope.
When she didn't even know she applied.
The ultimate superfan gets one last chance to make her dreams come true.
I don't know, it sounds a little manipulative.
You're fired.
I think we just found our Boston Rob.
Or your Springfield Clancy.
Huh? Huh? [SIGHS] electric bill, past due, Website renewal "DippinDens.
com.
" What's this? "Congratulations, Marge and Homer Simpson.
You have been selected to compete on" The Amazing Place! [GASPS] Tag Tuckerbag? Tag Buggernut? This is it.
After years of rejection, you two will finally compete for a million dollars on The Amazing Place.
But we didn't even try out.
I edited together your old auditions.
And I gave notes which were ignored.
[GASPS, GRUNTS] My crazy dream is coming true.
After you sign the amazing waivers.
So many ways to die.
Falling off rocks, rocks falling on me.
Toxoplasmosis? That's what ate Handsome Tom's face.
Just call me Handsome Homer.
- Bye, Mom! - Don't get toxoplasmosis! [BOTH GASPS] Welcome to The Amazing Place.
You're about to embark on a test of mental toughness, physical strength and interviews where you have to pretend that you're in the middle of a challenge when it's already over.
But first, let's kick things off with a romantic beachside luau at Lover's Lagoon.
[OOHING] Right after your first challenge.
We took one item from every person's bag and hid it in another contestant's luggage.
Everyone, find their Suitcase Stowaway now.
It's the ultimate Tarmac Unpack Attack.
Okay, Suitcase Stowaway.
They've done this three times before.
Here's the secret: dump and dig.
I found my stowaway.
Great.
Go through my other bag.
Okay, Homie, don't panic.
The secret is to just take your time, and [CONCH BLOWING] I'm sorry, Homer and Marge, you've been - Don't say it.
- shell-iminated.
No, no.
No, no, no.
We can't be the first couple kicked off.
That's the ultimate humiliation.
I never even put on a swimsuit.
I never got to see the lagoon.
I'm crying, and no one's even filming me.
We didn't even make it off the tarmac.
All because of my screwup.
I guess we're going home.
No, you're going there.
MARGE AND HOMER: Huh? A hotel? But we lost.
If we let you go home now, fans would know you've been kicked off before the season airs.
So ejected contestants must stay at this hotel until every epise is finished taping.
So we can't go home for a month? Six weeks, counting post.
[CRYING]: I don't know what post is.
Hey, save some of those tears for the reunion show.
You'll just put us in the back row and won't ask any questions.
We won't even get to hug the winner.
Yeah, but the runner-up's always wandering around looking for someone to hug.
That's your play.
[BIRDS SCREECHING] How could I be such a noob? I could learn to love a noob, given time.
I already miss the kids.
Well, there's got to be a way we can call home without getting in trouble.
If you say anything that reveals or implies that you have been ejected from The Amazing Place, you are subject to a fine of up to a million dollars and, for residents of Georgia, the death penalty.
Kids, kids, how are you? Lisa said I can't use the bubble bath, but you said you bought it for everybody.
Forget the bubble bath.
How's the show? Are you winning? Um, I'm not supposed to say.
That means you're dominating.
- I knew it! - [BOTH GRUNT] No, no, we're not dominating.
I didn't reveal or imply that.
Well, you can't have gotten kicked off yet.
You just got there.
Mmm [CLEARS THROAT] "Your mother and I are excited to be part of the Amazing Place family.
All further inquiries should be submitted in writing to Don DiBusco Productions, Burbank, California.
" What the hell are you talking about? This conversation is hereby terminated.
You are each entitled to one capful of bubble bath.
Now, that's parenting.
Come on, baby, it's not so bad.
Really? Six weeks away from the kids, Grampa, my sisters, your job.
With nothing to do but eat free room service and watch dopey movies on demand while they keep us quiet with an endless supply of free booze.
It's a nightmare.
It is.
It truly is.
I was up late night ballin' Countin' up hundreds by the thousand I was up late night ballin' Countin' up hundreds by the thousand.
You see, Curtis, you never really get an episode of SportsCenter until you've seen it for the third time.
Can I freshen up that appetizer platter for you? Nah, I better go check in on my wife.
She's having a hard time adjusting to hotel living.
[GRUNTING]: Just let me clean.
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING] Sweetie, I'm worried about you.
You just sit around all day changing the combination on the room safe.
Do you want to put something in the room safe? I don't deserve valuables.
It's my fault we're stuck here.
All I deserve is to sit alone and watch the TV channel that's about the hotel.
ANNOUNCER: Forgot your toothbrush? No problem.
Sundries gift shop has all the toiletries every traveler needs.
Sundries is awesome.
I got this shirt there.
Look, I know you're miserable, but let me show you how great this place can be.
It's just a stupid chain hotel.
Darling, take my hand, and you'll see it's so much more.
Well, since you blew the challenge And we're not allowed to tell We're getting all expenses paid at Airport Hotel The pillow's so foamy, baby Order food on the phone-y We'll eat Toblerone-y, so don't cry For breakfast they have bagels Cream cheese but no lox A mini pack of cereal, make a bowl out of the box The pool's so chlorine-y, baby The towel's so teeny No lifeguard to be seen-y, we could die No job, no kids, no Flanders Choice of bar soap or bath gel Small ketchup's friends With tiny mustard Airport Hotel Now that I've shown you, baby, they'll leave us alone Yeah, baby, toilet's got a phone, yeah Don't know why.
[BOTH MOANG] Might the lady enjoy a movie whose title doesn't appear on the bill? Maybe being trapped here isn't so bad.
I'm not even worried about what the kids are up to.
- Come on, dig.
Dig.
- We're hot.
You can go for a nice, cool swim after you finish digging my pool.
I'm telling Patty and Selma what you're doing.
What? We want a pool.
I just got my first wax in years.
Hurt so much they had to give me an epidural.
Haw-haw! The fitness center only had an old NordicTrack, but it felt good to work out.
I sat on a yoga ball and drank cucumber water.
It's nice to know I can still do that.
Mm, maybe we should peek in.
I am kind of curious to see what's going on in the show.
Really? You sure you can handle it? Oh, yeah.
I'm still in a great mood after reading that free USA Today.
[GASPS] Look, they're editing our episode.
There I am, looking for that Suitcase Stowaway.
I never found it, did I? Great.
Go through my other bag.
HOMER [CHUCKLING]: Hey, that's me looking for that thing.
Okay.
Marge's vitamins, Marge's pajamas, Marge's giant chocolate bar.
I didn't pack a giant chocolate bar.
What Marge doesn't know is that her husband just ate her Suitcase Stowaway.
This ultimate "didgeri-don't" will send them packing.
EDITOR: Whoa! I'm not the one who screwed up.
You are.
I'm so sorry.
I know you're gonna need some space, so I'll sleep on the couch.
- [MARGE GROANS] - [HOMER MOANS SADLY] [BOTH GROANS] [GROANS] What a dump.
What's that from? - What? - "What a dump.
" How would I know? We wouldn't be in this dump if you weren't such a flop.
I'm tired, dear.
It's late.
A chocolate flop.
Yes, a chocolate flop.
That's what you keep braying at everybody.
I don't bray! All right, you don't bray.
I do not bray! I said you didn't bray.
Make me a drink.
- Haven't you had enough? - Make me a drink.
Yes, dear.
And lay out some mixed nuts.
We've got guests.
- We've got what? - Guests.
Guests! You know, what's-their-names.
I don't know their names.
They just got eliminated from the show.
It took them five weeks, not five minutes.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Go answer the door.
All right, love, whatever love wants.
Get the door.
The door! I'm getting the door.
You don't have to bray like some subhuman monster.
Oh, go to hell! Hi! Hi, there.
Come on in.
- This is, um - Honey.
And this is Nick.
Oh, I thought his name was what's-his-name.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Just ignore Homer, old sourpuss.
That's me.
Hey, sourpuss, why don't you mix them a drink? Yes, dear.
[HOMER GROANS QUIETLY] I love your room.
We have the exact same paintings.
You were this close to winning The Three-Legged Chase.
You were right in ther Nick, right at the meat of things.
There's no limit to you, is there? And how would you have played the Three-Legged Chase? Why don't I show you? - Don't encourage her.
- Encourage me.
[MARGE GRUNTING] Inside, outside, inside, outside, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out.
[BOTH SIGH] You can sit around with the minibar gin runninout of your mouth.
You can tear me apart like the box the shower cap came in.
That's perfectly okay, that's all right.
You can stand it.
I cannot stand it! You can stand it You married me for it.
- Our son is dead.
- No, he isn't.
- We have no son! - Yes, we do! Oh, yeah, Bart.
[BIRDS CHIRPING] Man, last night sure was a searing portrait of a marriage in turmoil.
It's still in turmoil, you chocolate-gobbling dream killer.
Attention, everyone, gather by the bowl of mini yogurts.
For the first time ever on The Amazing Place, two eliminated contestants will be brought back to compete in the finale.
[ALL GASP] But here's the catch, to get back in, you have to dump your loved one for another partner.
So, if your spouse screwed up, this is your chance to cut them loose.
It's the Dead Weight Drop.
[ALL GRUNTING, MURMURING] - I choose Nick.
- [ALL GASP] That's got to sting, Homer.
I'm just glad my friends and family are never going to see me humiliated like this.
[WHIMPERING] This is it, the final challenge: Mango Tango.
First, pick and peel enough fresh mango to make six mango-ritas, which you must then carry across a log bridge.
But under the bridge is a pack of mango-loving monkeys, which can only be soothed with music played on a pennywhistle.
Also, there will be a Kia Sportage in the background that we couldn't figure out how to fit into the challenge.
Your Mango Tango starts now.
And Marge draws first fruit.
I'll make the mango-ritas.
TAG: Great teamwork.
Could this be a million-dollar puree? I'll handle those monkeys.
[ANGRY SCREECHING] [PLAYING MELODY ON PENNYWHISTLE] TAG: It's the ultimate groovy chill-out flute jam.
Look, the monkeys are mellowing.
This is our Kia Sporge Moment.
I did it.
We won.
Without Homer.
[LAUGHS] Marge and Nick, I want to congratulate you on winning The Amazing Place.
- NICK: Yay! - I want to, but I can't.
[VACUUM WHIRRING] Because you failed to salt the rims of your mango-ritas, rendering them mango-nothings.
[GASPS] I screwed up a recipe? So get out of the way of the actual winners, Shawn and Barry.
Hey! Our rims are super salty.
- [NICK GRUNTS] - [MONKEYS SCREECHING] NICK: Hey! Hey, hey, come on.
Oh! I am such a noob.
I am such a noob.
[GROANS] What a noob.
- Total noob.
- Classic noob.
Homie, I was such a jerk.
How can I make it up to you? Sweetheart, you already have.
I am such a noob.
[LAUGHS] I've screwed up so many times in our marriage, and people always feel so sorry for you.
But with this epic noob blunder, I'm the one they pity.
[SHUDDERING]: Oh pity.
Oh Is this how you feel all the time? Uh, kind of.
I just never let myself enjoy it.
Oh, pity feels good.