The Simpsons s30e03 Episode Script

My Way or the Highway to Heaven

Rats! [SCREAMS.]
Hey, is there someone in the restaurant? Oh, yeah.
Aw, he looks scared.
Can we keep him? Can we keep him? - [HOMER GRUNTS.]
- BOB: No.
We'll name him Bob Number One.
And, Dad, you can just go by Bob Number Two, - or maybe no name at all.
Why would I be Bob Number Two or no name? - I am Bob.
- Well, yeah, but this is Bob, so now we're, like, Bob and Bob.
- I don't like it.
- You can't just name a guy Bob.
Yeah, you can.
Somebody did it to you.
- That's true.
- Bob Number Two is throwing out some major 'tude right now.
- Isn't he, though? - Yeah, lose the 'tude.
BOB: It is kind of nice to have someone in the restaurant.
- GENE: Yeah.
- What's he doing? If he's robbing us, I feel sorry for him.
Don't say that.
We're fun to rob.
Maybe he's just looking for the bathroom.
You're overthinking it, bro! Just go anywhere! I'll clean it up! [CHUCKLES.]
No way.
HEAVENLY CHOIR: The Simpsons MALE VOICE: In Heaven! GOD: Where is everybody? Didn't we just build a whole new mixed-use complex for the baby boomers? Ugh.
I'm just following the admissions criteria.
Can't we just tweak them a bit? It's easier to get in to Upper West Side preschools.
All we're getting up here are little old ladies and Promise Keepers.
Have you accepted the Lord? I'm here, dimwit.
Frankly, those guys weird me out.
We have interesting people.
Look, Tracy Morgan's here.
Tracy, what are you doing here? - You're all better.
- Nobody tells me these things! [HALO CLANGING.]
- You gonna stop that? - Eh, it'll stop on its own.
We've got to get more people in here.
Ned Flanders is about to talk about that very topic.
Do the people my daddy shoots go to Heaven? They do if they haven't done anything wrong.
So, a lot of them, yes.
Come on, kids, think about it.
Why do people get into Heaven? Heaven I'm in heaven And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak [GASPS.]
Clayton Kersh - [GRUNTS.]
- I seem to find The happiness I seek When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek Heaven I'm in heaven And the cares that hung around me Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak - - When we're out together - [SIGHS.]
- Dancing cheek to cheek.
Well, nobody said Sunday school kids were geniuses.
Kids, there's only one way into Heaven.
Never stray from the path of righteousness.
Easy for you to say.
With a mustache like that, you're an obvious narc.
The truth is, this mustache is a memento of the awful sinner I used to be.
I was raised with no religion.
Our house was a den of bebop.
Neddy, you're coloring inside the lines.
Rules are for fools, man! That's right, baby.
Be free! Be free! Go off the page.
Write on the wall.
Color a cloud purple.
Jack and Jill are on the pill, man! FLANDERS: Godless and Maudeless, each job I took became more depraved.
- Dead end - Why we should be - On dead end street - Dead end People are living on dead end street Dead end I'm gonna die on dead end street Dead end street - Yeah - Dead end street - Yeah - Dead end street.
Finally, I became one of the most iniquitous men that ever blew a wrapper off a straw: door-to-door salesmen.
Now, here's how I move these Karpet Kings.
I make my pitch, then I start crying, bawling like a baby.
The trick is I'm secretly clinically depressed.
- Haven't thought of that.
Not bad.
Slices of pie all around, Mabel! So, rookie, your first day.
What do they have you pushing, water beds? Well, I am reaching for the stars with Vertebreaker trampolines! [LAUGHTER.]
- What's so funny? - They got you slingin' springs! The kid's a hop jockey.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
I know someone who sold two of those tot tossers.
In his whole career! [LAUGHS.]
FLANDERS: What those door-to-door ding-dongs didn't count on was a little extracurricular activity during Apollo 14.
- ASTRONAUT: Whee! Over.
- Whee! - Over.
FLANDERS: America caught bounce fever.
Trampolines were just what people were looking for to forget the long quagmire that was Gunsmoke.
Before I knew it, I was the king of springs.
But after spring comes the fall.
Mabel! A slice of pie for all my friends! Better yet, leave the tin.
- Well! - Well, how about that! Big man, are ya? Real big man.
Well, big man, I got a headline for ya.
They just found out those things are a death trap.
Oh, sure, there's broken bones, concussions, the occasional kid who goes up and never comes down, but I wouldn't call them a death trap.
I mean electrocution, smart guy.
Those little angel makers you've been slingin' generate static electricity with every bounce.
The mats are made of birthday balloon rubber and cat hair.
If you get to 500 bounces, zappo! French-fried kid.
I've put innocent lives in danger.
And my sales pitch strongly implied that wouldn't happen.
Eh, that's the game we're in.
If you don't like death, get out of children's toys.
FLANDERS: I've got to stop him! 401 402 - [CAMERA CLICKING.]
- Wow! I knew he could bounce, but I had no idea he could count.
: 412 413 Oh, the brake pedal won't go down! Why did I get these super shag floor mats? Why?! - - [GROANS.]
496 497 498 [SLOW, DISTORTED.]
: 499 [GASPS.]
- Jesus.
- 'Sup? Lord? Why am I here? Uh, Ned Flanders, you have been a sinner, but you have taken the first step on the road to redemption, and if you accept the word of the Lord that's me I shall return you to Earth to carry forth my word of hope.
And, uh, like that.
Jimi Hendrix is here for your guitar lesson.
Hey, man.
You been practicing what I told you? Uh, yeah, uh, I meant to, but, uh, I lost the pick in the hole.
- Of the guitar? - Oh.
I wish.
I don't care, baby.
Jimi gets paid either way.
- Praise the Lord, I am reborn! - [OTHERS GASP.]
It's a miracle! He recovered without help! In retrospect, I should have tried CPR.
Well, I'm a believer.
Come on, fellas, let's go spread the good word.
God is alive! Anyone need a vacuum? FLANDERS: God gave me a second chance, and as a sign of his mercy, he permanently scarred my beautiful, beautiful philtrum.
KIDS: Whoa! And that's why I'm wearing this mustache till I'm just ash.
It wasn't till God seriously deformed me that I fully understood his love.
GOD: So, Ned Flanders gets into Heaven.
It'll be interesting to see which wife he goes with.
GOD: Eh, either way, it'll be tough sledding.
Well you know Lord, if you want more people here, there's a category you're not considering.
GOD: People who bring their dogs on planes and say they're therapy pets? I can hear you.
Oh, and nice to meet you, finally.
So, you made me in your image.
: Well, it's like looking in a mirror.
- Not! - Who did that? - It wasn't me.
- Oh, you traitor! Actually, I'm talking about people who don't believe in God but are still righteous.
- I'm talking about atheists, Lord.
- Atheists? [SCOFFS.]
I refuse to believe they exist.
Well, they do.
Maybe they deserve a place here, too.
I'd like to talk about someone who should be in Heaven: my grandmother.
My grandmother's 36, and she's got eight grandchildren.
Strong woman.
My grandmother was an atheist.
I'll just flip this.
Her name was Genevieve.
- - She lived in occupied France in the darkest days of World War Two.
And she no longer believed in God.
He's in the afterlife, punishing heavily He's the boogie woogie Christian God of John 3:16 A root, a toot, just don't eat his fruit He was born in a barn He loved religion.
: How could a god allow this awful war to happen? GOD: I stopped a thousand wars that would've been worse.
Nobody ever talks about that.
MARGE: Perhaps her mélancolie came from her marriage to the village's most notorious Nazi collaborator.
Bonjour, bonjour, Commandant! And may I say, you put the "ja" in "jawohl!" [CHUCKLES.]
Ah, my dear wife.
I'm just here collaborating, mixing in a little treason.
You know, stuff that'll look really bad in a documentary if we lose.
Now, with business booming, you can no longer deny your husband the sweet fruits of marriage.
Mmm, oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm hooked.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Kissing with your eyes closed never goes awry.
Why did I marry the model for the town gargoyle? Ugh! - [GASPING.]
- MAN: Quiet.
Qui est là? Qui! Qui! We're U.
We've been roaming the countryside disguised as French farmers.
You must leave now.
My husband is a collaborator.
Well, I've got a screenplay I've been looking for someone to help me write.
Not that kind.
If he just gets something on the page, that's progress.
We're cooked.
Worse than the Cubs in the '32 Series.
I'm not a sports guy.
Do you have an art metaphor? We'll be chopped up worse than a Picasso nude! Now my alarm is palpable! What are you gonna do, help us or turn us in? Because I don't believe there is a God above, we must make our own Heaven down below.
SOLDIERS: Ah! Hurry now! - Do we get tips? - Not in Europe.
Damn it.
Now I know what we're fighting for.
: Ooh-la-la! Dinner is served.
: What an odd accent.
Are you really French? [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Stinking customers! You can't ask me personal questions.
Ah, you are French.
American fool.
They'll see right through you.
You don't know the first thing about world-class dinner service.
Now listen here.
I know we may not look like much, but when a fish knife needs to be placed just so, they're the mugs you want.
I am your, um, uh How do you say "sommelier" in French? [PHONE RINGING.]
Café Meaux.
Meaux speaking.
: I'd like to speak to Monsieur Pants, - first name Pierre.
- Un moment.
Pierre Pants? Pierre Pants?! Oh, come on, anyone in this joint Pee Your Pants? [LAUGHTER.]
- Heil humor! - [LAUGHS.]
Laughing is for Germans only.
Ow! Now, precisely what part of France are you from? Eh Normandy beach.
You know, where the invasion's coming.
We must warn our Panzers! We got to stop 'em, but how? Don't ask me.
I believe in nothing, except my country.
Allons enfants de la patrie Le jour de gloire est arrivé Contre nous de la tyrannie L'étendard sanglant est levé Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras Egorger nos fils, nos compagnes Come with me, fraulein, and everything will be Nietzsche keen.
You can drink our beer, you can take our gold, you can take my wife.
No, you can't! Oh.
Well, the marriage counselor said we should try to find a common interest, so, uh Non, rien de rien Non, je ne regrette rien - - Ni le bien.
Oh, Meaux, I am so sorry I ever made you kiss a fish.
That was a fish? But this isn't.
There's more in the bedroom.
We have a bedroom? Mmm, mmm, mmm.
So, it goes to show atheists can do great things, too.
GOD: All right, I agree.
We will open Heaven to the deserving atheists.
And if you let them in, there are a few mistakes I'd recommend getting rid of.
Christopher Columbus.
: Hey, what are you two talking about? Nothing.
What are you doing here? I was looking for a quicker route to the bathroom, and I got lost.
- GOD: Oh, it's him.
- Hey, dudes.
Who wants to rub my belly? [GOD AND SAINT PETER GROAN.]
Now, why don't you consider other faiths for your Heaven? Like, oh I don't know the way of the Buddha? I say no shirt, no shoes, no salvation.
I say we have Lisa Simpson.
Well, there is redemption, and there are good works.
But there is another path.
A path to enlightenment without ego or possessions.
I don't know.
Jesus is pretty fond of that plus sign he's always carrying around.
Let me share the Buddhist path to Heaven with an enlightened tale I call "The Princess Not Affiliated With Disney.
" Unless we are now owned by Disney.
In the sixth century B.
, or zero in the Buddhist calendar FLANDERS: Oh, you have your own calendar.
What's today, the fifth of Bibbity-boo? LISA: zero in the Buddhist calendar, lived the spoiled Princess Siddmartha.
Siddmartha, sweetie, look what we got you.
A pony.
- 50 ponies! - [PONY NEIGHS.]
Somehow 50 ponies - seem less than one.
- Oh.
LISA: The princess wondered, if nothing was denied her, - why was she not satisfied? - [KING HOMER SCREAMS.]
Why couldn't she be happy like her brother with his stupid multiplayer games? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Brother, do you not grow weary of this opulence? Sometimes, but there's always the decadence.
There must be a middle path between opulence and decadence.
- Flatulence? - [MILHOUSE LAUGHS.]
Please, somebody, think of the elephants! Princess Siddmartha, hmm, perhaps the stars hold the answer to your questions.
Why don't you take a look? [CHOIR SINGS.]
Those children have nothing, but they're enjoying themselves.
Maybe all these riches have blinded me to what really matters: goats' heads.
That's mine.
I live a life of great excess And yet I find no happiness There's more to life than this, I hope Than golden tubs and fragrant soap All kinds of stuff, and yet I mope I want less Don't want to grab life by the horns Don't want to grab that brass ring Hear me shout and hear me sing All I want is just one thing I want less, I want less Less, less, less I want more of Less Less.
LISA: Disguised as a poor boy, Siddmartha sought out the most learned scholars in the kingdom.
But she soon learned Kathmandu U, like Budhanilkantha Tech, was just another party school.
Excuse me.
: You're wasting your lives, man.
It's the year zero.
How much is there to learn? Come on, girl.
Let's find inner peace.
I will sit under this Bodhi Tree because I am void of ideas.
LISA: So, Siddmartha sat and sat and sat and sat, willing to wait forever and a day until she found enlightenment.
Om Om Om - Namaste! - [KIDS CHEERING.]
Even though she strayed from our faith, I'm proud of Lisa.
That Buddhist kid's a really good person.
What? I'm just sayin'.
GOD: Mm, if we've learned anything from these three tangentially-related stories, it's that there are many paths to Heaven.
Maybe we should let everybody in.
Great idea.
I decree that all with good souls are welcome in Heaven now and forever.
How did I get here? Well, you see, you were Smithers' plus one.
I demand to get in on my own merits.
I'll talk to him.
CHOIR: Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.
Don't be scared, boys.
That's just angels bowling.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- Oh, we consider it a blessing.
- GOD: Kiss-up.

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