The Simpsons s30e04 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XXIX

1 There's something very, very weird about this place.
Even the seagulls have a New England accent.
A-yup.
Why did we vacation here? It was on a list of top ten places to see before you mysteriously disappear.
Fool.
This whole contest was a ruse.
What the? You are here to be sacrificed to an evil god from the ocean depths.
- SpongeBob? - No! The eternal lord of horror, Cthulhu.
What the?! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a minute! I was promised an eating contest, and by the ancient law of the flyer, you have to provide me with one.
Very well.
An eating contest against the monstrous Cthulhu? To him, the Great Barrier Reef is just an average barrier reef.
- Well, my dad didn't eat breakfast.
- Uh-oh.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
How you doing, Cthu? Shut up, okay? Just shut up.
I need to take a walk, that's all.
I-I'll be fine.
I win.
And I get to name the prize.
Fine.
I'll give you whatever you want.
Immortal life? Whale watching where you actually see a whale? Hmm.
I know exactly what I want.
Oh, man.
Mm, mm, mm.
Ooh, ink sac.
Now for a word from our late, beloved Mapple founder, Steve Mobs.
Hello.
And stop.
Since my unfortunate passing, if things have gone as I've planned, Mapple is now a trillion-dollar company, Roseanne has come and gone like a summer storm and a less exciting version of me has taken my place.
I'm wearing your pants, Steve.
And now I'm here to introduce the new Myphone Ultima, which comes in the colors black slate gray and that's it.
The time has come.
Commence operations.
Can't they see you? They see nothing.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
This is too easy.
For you.
You just look at the monitor.
Uh, Lenny? My phone says that there's spores from outer space landing all around us.
Well, my phone says there are divorced moms in my area that want to meet me.
Oh, great, an homage to Body Snatchers, which in itself was a rip-off of The Thing.
This will be the last word I ever say: C minus! I want to return this comic book.
The dialogue sounded forced when I read it aloud.
I will help you, but first, you are in danger.
You can crash at my pod, I mean pad.
No one says "pad" anymore.
Run! Dad, I'm worried.
Everyone's turning into a zombie.
Thank God you're okay.
Mom! Something's wrong.
There is no escape.
We are all-powerful.
Boy, Maggie, you're carrying a lot of anger towards Mom.
Chief, Chief, space plants are eating everyone.
You're telling me.
Eh, don't feel bad.
He was a lousy chief.
You know, my feelings haven't dissolved yet, Lou.
Now, kids, that's just air escaping.
You cannot stop us.
It is really just a matter of How comes aliens never use contractions? We think it is scary.
It is why we call Jerry's Deli the Deli of Jerry.
Oh! Conifer down.
I'm not a plant! Prove it.
Name the roster of the Glasgow soccer club.
I don't-I don't know.
I-Is there a-a Rooney? There's always a Rooney.
Ah! Bart, dystopian movies have taught me two things: "A," you can make a four-part movie from a three-part book, and "B," there is no hope.
So I'm saying good-bye to you now, Bart.
Good-bye, sister.
The last sound you hear will be You don't win friends with salad You don't win friends with salad Congratulations, fortunate Earth-being.
Welcome to your new paradise.
- Where are we? - We're on a planet in what you incorrectly call the Crab Nebula.
You live in the Crab Nebula.
You.
Why would you kill me and then bring me here? We didn't kill you.
We have saved you.
When you were absorbed on Earth, your consciousness was transferred here to this utopia, ha, ha.
Well, my daughter will be very happy living with you green beans.
She's a vegetarian.
Murderer.
Just kidding.
Have a piece of my ass.
Uh So wait, wait, wait.
We're all pod people? I'm afraid you were already pod people.
What are you talking about? iPod people, phone checkers, tablet gazers.
Never lifting your petals to see the sun.
Yes.
Yes.
This is perfect.
A sci-fi story with a happy ending.
Now let us brag some more.
We are many, but we move as one.
Finding out the best of each other.
Giving the love that lets us go on.
Where'd you get those? We just found them wrapped under that guy.
It's what I do, man.
How you doing? Herb Tannenbaum.
- He's waking up.
- Yes.
Is there anything punching can't do? It can't set a clock.
What's going on? Where are we? Who did this to us? Uh, the last thing I remember is crashing a sleepover at Milhouse's.
I got to work.
So spend the night here.
But I'm not invited.
You think I was invited on the Toledo Mud Hens team bus? When I was asked to leave, my left boob suddenly popped out.
That was a game-changer.
Then somebody mysteriously sent a case of orange drink, which we drank.
You guys passed out, and my first thought was "Call the police.
" But even heroes fall.
Lisa? I'm not "Lisa.
" I'm Penelope.
Whassup? Seriously, I want to know.
I'm the one who brought you here after drugging your SunnyD with Special K.
As in ketamine.
You K'd our D? You're crazy.
Crazy, you say? Crazy.
Crazy! Who are you calling crazy? I'm not that loud.
I'm gonna belt you.
- Hmm.
- Eh.
With a brassy Broadway tune.
You'll be trapped Trapped like rats No one knows where you're ats You'll eat my shorts then you'll have a cow I'm gonna kick you now.
Applaud or die.
- You die, boys.
- What? Why? Not one of you said "encore.
" But I think encores are a ridiculous tradition.
Just sing your songs and go.
More pancakes, Lisa? Pancakes are meaningless.
Life is meaningless.
Marge, Lisa's being unusual.
And where's Bart? Oh, yes, the Simpson boy.
He called.
He's staying with the Milhouse for an extra day.
And the great thing about boys is that nothing bad can ever happen to them.
Come on, Milhouse, put your brain into it.
The door isn't even scratched.
Oh, we were trying to break the door? Okay, I got a plan.
First, Milhouse, gnaw through your ankle.
I will, but I'm allergic to myself.
I swear, if you say one more wimpy thing Not my Gloria Vanderbilt glasses.
They were on the cover of Women's Health.
Ha-ha! Lisa's wearing a dress.
All right, ya little beasties.
Are ye ready for a trip to the Scottish Die-lands? Just let yourselves out, but beware the Beast! Ah, isn't that cute? She learned an accent from Groundskeeper Willie.
Not that cute.
Ay caramba! Wish I could burn the calories off that easily.
You've got body issues.
It's time to recycle, you stupid boys.
Careful, Lisa.
If you keep yelling like that, you'll get vocal polyps like Adele.
Please wear one of my bones around your neck Ha-ha! You missed.
What happened to you? You know what you did! Well, well, Little Miss Perfect.
I'm sure somebody changed this, but I don't care.
You know, I never feel more like a trademark corporate spokesman than when I wake up in an empty bed.
You can never make me feel as good as this.
Oh, no! You ruined Lisa's life and on that day, the Beast was born! One American creates this much garbage in one day.
Oh, just kill me.
Don't teach me.
I'm your brother.
If you have a great speech to save yourself, now would be the time.
I'm rooting for ya.
Lis, please forgive me.
I'm your big brother.
I'll always be there for you.
When your boyfriend dumps you, I'll take you drinking and tell you what a jerk he was.
When he takes you back, I'll tell you he's great and go to games with him.
I'll humanize your campaign biography.
Am I reaching you? It worked.
I'm back.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Why'd you do it, sweetie? Sometimes, Mom, a woman gets pushed so far, she just snaps.
You know how that feels, don't you? Don't you? No, not at all.
Where's Dad? Tied up in the trunk of the car.
How am I supposed to know the day we got married falls on our wedding anniversary? Always wanted to be a paper boy.
You know, you're cute this way.
Aw.
Have a perfume sample.
So, Smithers, what do you think? I'll rejuvenate the elderly using untested dinosaur DNA.
It could make me a fortune or fill the world with monsters.
It could make me a fortune.
Why do you need doors? You could just fly over the wall.
- Damn it.
- I hope Grandpa's happy in this new retirement home.
"I'm sure he's happier here" is what we'll always say about old people no matter where we put them.
There's something weird about this place that doesn't show up on any map.
Oh, Lisa, you're always so suspicious.
Welcome to Geriatric Park where our motto is, "No further questions.
" Here at Geriatric Park, we combine speculative theories with untested technologies to give our seniors a better life.
Possible side effects include: back spikes, protective plates, giant claws, fear of asteroids, being a precursor to our modern birds, a second tail brain, loss of ears and increased libido.
If you are currently egg-laying or expect to be egg-laying, consult your paleontologist.
Now, meet your Jurassic perked-up loved ones.
Abe, I've never seen you so vibrant and alive.
Well, I don't like to complain.
Wow, you have changed.
But they keep it a little cold here.
Anything for you, Dad.
Don't want to read.
I'm on vacation.
What's happening? Someone has raised the temperature.
Let's take a look at the microscopic level with the peephole and the twisty thing and the little slide of glass.
Huh? Ah! Yah! You even taste disappointing.
Half of that taste is you.
Dang it.
You can't kill me.
I'm your creator, for flaving out loud.
Credit hog.
You were listed in the footnotes.
Oy.
Oh, we're saved.
It's my mom.
In the best mood we've ever seen her.
It's raining.
The old people will head to the TV room and watch The Weather Channel.
That's not rain.
It's Grampa.
Lisa, no! Sorry, I just believe in the ultimate, basic goodness of people.
Grampa, I don't think you want to hurt me.
You just want me to see you as a person, not some strange, scary monster we call a senior citizen.
Grampa, I want to hear your opinion about everything.
She's making the ultimate sacrifice: getting him started.
Aw, Grampa.
I still love you.
All they wanted was to be cherished.
They've even learned how to get respect from the orderlies.
I don't care if you haven't finished.
I'm off the clock.
And once again, the true monster, the soulless CEO, escapes unscathed.
Oy.
Too rich for my blood.
Ugh.
That was a lovely visit.
Although, I could've done without some of the decapitations.
Uh, Mom, where's the pilot? Virgin Air I'm not.