The Simpsons s30e05 Episode Script

Baby You Can't Drive My Car

1 D'oh! [GRUNTS.]
Hmm? D'oh! - Here's your nuggets.
- Chicken nuggets? Yes.
Including things that ate or were eaten by a chicken.
Mmm, chicken nuggets.
Chicken nugget I like to eat you while I drive 'Cause you guys and french fries Are the perfect breakfast She's living in L.
With my best old ex-friend Ray Isn't that the way the nugget taste Well, let's forget all that And give me some coleslaw - Idiot! - if you can find it You've been so much more than kind You can keep the dime.
Hi, Don.
D'oh! Any Joe Billionaire can have a Fabergé egg.
I have the only Fabergé chicken.
- You're fired.
- Hmm? Okay, fine.
You know what? This is just the kick in the pants I need to turn my life around.
If you're gonna turn that body around, I suggest you do it in shifts.
Oh, and, uh, Mr.
Burns? You are a crazy, wrinkly, short piece of garbage.
I thought I was tall.
I'm really, really getting tired of this.
The losing the jobs.
The going to Moe's.
The Halloween bucket by the bed.
And the licking of the deodorant sticks.
They're not Popsicles.
Mint is mint.
Also, we have to start these lists earlier.
It's almost midnight.
Marge, look, I'm really, really trying.
I've applied to every place in town, even Lisa's lemonade stand.
You drank half the lemonade.
I can't endorse a product unless I use the product.
The proceeds were going to the National Endowment for the Arts.
It was 80% of their funding.
You need to find another job.
But I found a new passion: watching Korean soap operas.
Look, see there? Soon-Jip is in love with the one boy her father has forbidden her to see: pop star Johnny Pop.
Oh - Out of a job? You're in luck.
- [GASPS.]
The high-tech start-up company CarGo is moving to Springfield.
I'm proud to announce that we beat out 50 other hopeless cities.
Eat our rust, Toledo.
What does the city gain from this deal? Jobs, eight to 12 jobs.
Okay, Marge, you see that? It's a sign.
I'm gonna get one of those jobs.
: Yes, you will - [GASPS.]
says our self-help guru in our next segment on positive thinking.
Oh, TV never talks to just me.
Homer, CarGo is on the forefront of autonomous vehicle technology.
We're looking for highly passive humans to road test our self-driving cars.
Perfect answer.
Yes, you could not be more passive, could you? And your bad driving record is a big, big plus.
You've apparently never used your blinkers.
What direction I want to go is my business and no one else's.
USA! USA! And somehow you've driven over yourself.
Is there anything we don't know about you that we should? Well, I'd like you to know sometimes my road rage is actually home rage that I bring onto the highway.
Now let's take a look at your license.
Who exactly are they warning? My sisters-in-law work at the DMV.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Congratulations, everyone.
You're our finalists.
We just have one last test for all of you.
Who's capable of sitting for hours at a time, doing absolutely nothing? Finally, a job interview question I can answer.
- You're hired.
- You're hired.
Five more minutes.
Wow, there's no steering wheel.
How do I steer? No, it's a self-driving car.
Oh, I've never driven one of those before.
You don't have to.
The car drives itself.
Awesome, awesome.
So is it, like, a joystick or, like, a turning wheel for steering? You just tell it where to go.
Oh, I speak into the steering wheel.
Antoine, check this out.
The car is driving by itself.
- I'm a genius.
- Now you're free - to do whatever you like, Homer.
- Can I text while it's driving? You can write a novel while you're driving.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
In today's publishing environment? - Hmm.
- Will you look at that? The car is driving Homer.
Oh, as far as I'm concerned, I would never forfeit my control of the wheel.
Whoa, Homer's making a smoothie while he drives.
I want to make smoothies when I drive.
You don't like smoothies.
I want to make them.
I don't want to drink them.
No operator The car just drives itself Its computer brain knows where the roads are Living in L.
With my best old ex-friend Ray [HOMER CRYING.]
Isn't that the way that this car goes You don't do a thing And where is the seat belt, 'cause I can't find it.
Eight hours pay for riding in a car? Good-bye, rat race.
Got to go, guys.
Marge is here in her yesterday-mobile.
- Ready, sweetie? - Almost.
They're just finishing up my banh mi.
That's what tech people call sandwiches.
Here you go, sir.
He forgot to charge me.
Oh, no, sir, it's free.
All the food here is free.
Free food? At work? Are you serious? I sure am.
: Marge, I need a moment.
One for me.
One for the tray.
Oh, Marge would love this.
Something for the kids.
Take the day off.
Homie, when you lost your job, I was so worried.
But this is the nicest place to work I've ever seen.
Come on, let me show you around the campus.
There's the gym, which has never been used.
Indoor Ferris wheel, never Ferrised.
Then there's the rock climbing wall, still in the wrapper.
How come no one uses these things? All these coders never stop working.
Oh, we should help them enjoy themselves.
- Hey, nerd.
- [BOTH.]
Yes? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Huh, yes? No, I just meant Okay, fine, all of you.
Come down here.
- I'll log off.
- [ALL.]
Log off.
Log off.
Log off.
- Log off.
- Log off.
Come on, Team Blue.
Go, Team Bald.
Look at Homer and his surprisingly slim wife leading that team building exercise.
Let's check the real-time brain imaging.
Their creative centers have gone indigo.
- Is that good? - It ain't scarlet.
Homer and Marge, what you two did to inspire our workers was paradigm blasting.
I'm sorry.
We'll replace the paradigm.
No, no.
It's good.
We want to be number one in employee satisfaction.
- And money.
- We have the competition by the nuts.
We bought the last affordable housing in San Francisco.
And Alcatraz has gone condo.
Homer, we're offering you a promotion and making Marge your partner.
- Oh.
We need people like you to help our workers relax.
Have fun and forget they may want or have families.
So, what do you say? Are you in? Homie, for the first time in our marriage, we can work together as a team.
Yeah, well, I'll have to check with my wife.
- I'd love to.
- She said yes! Uh, yes, I'll have one of those coffees that's actually a milkshake, please.
Okay, so, what kind of cow would you like your milk from? Barnyard basic, collegiate mascot, Minnesota full-fat? At the cereal bar, you can request nothing but prizes.
The only thing I don't like is how I don't understand what everyone is saying.
Uh, yeah, is that the, uh, new X4P1? Yeah, but 18-core doesn't play nice with the motherboard unless you overclock.
So, Lisa, what does that mean? - I don't know.
- You don't know? - No.
: You're as stupid as I am.
You're as stupid as I am.
: Kids, kids, you're both stupid in your own special ways.
Bart's much stupider than I am.
Oh, good girl.
Let your brother win.
Good morning, everybody.
I made lemon squares.
Some, if not most, appear to be rhombuses.
- Rhombi.
- Both are acceptable.
That was so fun.
Thank-thank you, Marge.
What? You didn't even eat them.
Well, you'll really be thrilled with what we just found.
There's a regulation hockey rink on campus.
- Oh.
- Ah! It's amazing how not a single one of them can skate.
Ow! Physical activity makes me so sad.
Oh, no.
Doug's in the worst position of all: fetal.
I know what'll cheer us all up.
The Christmas song that was written by an A.
ROBOTIC VOICE: I swear, it is Christmas Eve I hope that is what you say The best Christmas present in the world Is a blessing Okay, stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
I have a better idea.
Guys, you'll never guess where I'm calling you from: work.
That's work? What are we doing here? Let's check it out.
I got a feeling there's greener pastures just outside this door.
Huh, that used to be a Baskin-Robbins.
Oh, my God.
I'm actually happy at work.
I haven't looked at my watch in seven minutes and 23 seconds.
And I'm optimistic about our future.
You say that like it's the first time.
Well, there was that time I had the first number right on the Powerball.
That was a great day.
Remember? 27.
Mm, 27.
I chose it because that's how much money we had in the bank, - 27 cents.
- Aw.
Hmm? Hmm.
Smithers, what happened to our workers? Well, apparently, this new self-driving car company is poaching our employees.
They do have an excellent LGBT policy.
What's that stand for? Lazy goof-off buffoons? And transgender.
All right, Smithers, what's say you and I go undercover and check out this company.
You're fluent in SQL, Python and JavaScript.
Three years in Google's A.
These are very impressive résumés for 22-year-olds.
We're in.
Tugs-of-war? Iced cream? [LAUGHS.]
I could never offer this.
You could if you just deferred one-half percent of your compensation.
I could never offer this.
Smithers, do you realize how brilliant this is? Instead of paying them more, they make the workplace pleasant, so the employees never want to leave.
I can never beat this.
- Sorry.
- It happens.
Let's go home, please.
Okay, here's what I've been thinking.
A special day where everyone dresses like their favorite superheroes.
Oh, yeah.
We can make hero sandwiches.
You know what I love about working with you? Everything.
Wait a minute, this isn't home.
That's so weird.
You just mentioned hero sandwiches.
It's almost like the car was listening to us.
Let's test this out.
Say, Marge, I could go for some doughnuts.
- Hmm.
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
- Mm.
- Holy crap.
This company is up to some kind of monkey business.
There's a problem with the driverless car.
Oh, there's no problem; it's our sponsored rides program.
The cars passively combine your conversations, facial expressions and data we stole from Equifax to determine which of our corporate sponsors to take you to.
Corporate sponsors? What the? Don't you make enough money giving out cars for free? Do you think dating sites want you to meet other people? They want your data.
That's what all websites want.
Not DataGrab.
- Yep.
- [GASPS.]
And you can't stop us.
When you joined, you signed nondisclosure agreements, which nobody ever reads.
You don't want to mess with us.
We have lawyers that were crossbred with wolves.
Well, you prepare to hear from a guy pretending to be my lawyer, probably Moe.
Now I'm gonna defiantly exit on this moving walkway.
Good day.
I should have gotten off.
So, my client, uh, Homer Simpson, is suing youse.
I am not a pretend attorney, I am Homer's liar lawyer.
That wasn't the kind of coke I was talking about.
Ugh Seymour, you're driving too fast.
Mother, it's a self-driving car.
Keep your eyes on the road! Aw, what am I gonna do with you? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Look, they take our insurance.
Marge, I can't believe they invaded the sanctity of my car.
I mean, what's next? Alexa? ALEXA: Alexa is only here to help.
Ordering calming tea.
Thank you, Alexa.
Now, on the one hand, we know they're manipulating people.
But who gives a darn when working there is so much fun? Huh? Huh? Marge, I can't be the ethical one.
ALEXA: That's right, he can't.
He has a secret Alexa.
ALEXA 2: I'm only for cookies and Pop-Tarts.
I'm going for a drive, in an old-fashioned freedom-mobile, with nobody tracking me except the apps on my phone.
Burns? What are you doing here? I don't know.
I was in one of those cursed robot cars saying I felt like a poisoned rat.
And you wound up at Moe's.
Well, fancy that.
Oh, buying those key words really paid off.
There's no way to stop them, with their fleet of horseless, driverless carriages.
You mean their cars? The cars.
Yes, the whole town is besotted with them.
If we could just shut down the cars, we'd kill the whole company.
- Will you help me? - I will.
That company is tricking us into buying things, and I don't like anybody telling me what to do.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Hey, we're all employees.
Wouldn't it be less suspicious if we weren't skulking? Fine.
All right, we need to get to the master computer and disable the cars.
Simpson, you have a key to the main server room? No, but I do have a key to the Nerf-a-torium, which has a door to the main server room.
I just need to reconfigure the deep neural net and disable the cars' fuel cells.
They'll all stop dead, and the company will be ruined.
- MARGE: No, you don't.
Homer, you want to destroy the best thing that ever happened to us? Except for the three kids, of course.
Obviously the three kids.
Marge, listen to yourself.
These cars are stealing our lives.
But-but we have a contract, [CRYING.]
: and we're having so much fun.
Guys? We have a situation.
What does that mean? It's the next step from sponsored rides.
Why eavesdrop on people only when they're in their cars? We're moving the microphone from the car to the fob.
That goes everywhere.
Even the powder room.
Um, we call it the unisex voiditorium.
MARGE: What am I doing here? There.
I just have to push this one button, and the cars are disabled.
Release the pound sign.
Don't touch that button.
You'll leave fingerprints.
Allow me.
Marge, you've come over to the side of good.
That's right, for the first time ever, I'm the lesser of two evils.
Good Lord! This autopia has become a not-topia.
Is that a thing? Nothing like eating fish sticks.
- Ow, my eyes! Ah! The car won't move! Can't get out! [OVER RADIO.]
: I've been to paradise Not this song! never been to me.
And now, we just bide our time.
- That didn't take long.
- Look, Mr.
Burns, you've see how Marge and I work great together.
Would you consider hiring her at the power plant? A woman? [LAUGHS.]
I don't believe in the perils of personal attraction at the workplace.
- Right, Smithers? - Ah Unfortunately for you and your family, Simpson, it just registered in my memory that you called me a crazy, wrinkly, short piece of garbage.
Ah! You were saying? Toot-toot-tootsie, good-bye Toot-toot-tootsie, don't cry The choo-choo train that takes me Away from you, no words can say The heart, it breaks me Let's leave them be.
Now, let's go home, self-driving the old-fashioned way.
That's right, none of that unreliable technology.
- Just a good old human driver.
Okay, this was a bump in the road, but I have a new way in to consumers: talking tattoos.
Duff Mexicana.
Para que el sur del sabor de la frontera.
I'm putting this car in snuggle mode.
Oh, I'm gonna snuggle you, baby, all red light long, baby.
That's right, this song features no actual singing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, for God's sake.

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