Top Gear (2002) Episode Scripts

N/A - Series 24, Episode 3

1 Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.
On tonight's show, we go supercar hunting in a Volkswagen Golf, and discover the perfect run about for the fashion conscious Bond villain.
But fist, let's talk about Aston Martin.
Now, Aston Martin, they've always made beautiful cars, but the truth is, in recent years, Aston's been a bit left behind.
You know when we first saw this DB9? In car years, that's ancient, right? But now the DB9 has been replaced by a new car, promising to bring Aston right up-to-date.
This is the all-new DB11.
Aston Martin says it's the most important model in its 100 year history.
No pressure there, then! Thankfully, it still looks great.
But look beneath the body work and there are a few surprises.
Aston's given the DB11 a smaller motor than the old DB9, and for the first time ever, accessorises it with a pair of turbo chargers.
Now this - this is controversial.
The free revving, naturally aspirated Aston Martin V12 is a British institution, like the Royal Family - or crumpets.
Aston Martin going turbo is big news.
So, have they ruined it? Well - no.
Not at all.
In fact, this might just be the best all-round Aston in the last 20 years.
Or 40 years.
Or Damn, I'm old.
The engine might be smaller, but those controversial new turbo chargers means Aston's V12 now produces 600 horsepower, which is, you know, enough.
Enough, in fact, to make this the first DB car that will do over 200mph.
It goes like hell! Sounds like hell, too.
Woo-hoo! And hey, it's still rear wheel drive, the gearbox is still out the back for better weight distribution, and now there's even proper multilink rear suspension.
So if you do happen to accidentally end up in a massive power slide Then, yeah, it'll do that too.
Oops, there it goes again.
I'm so careless.
Now, some might complain that this British icon has sourced all of its electronic computery stuff from Mercedes.
Frankly, I don't care if the stuff behind the scenes is programmed by German guys in wire-rimmed glasses, it doesn't bother me at all, mostly because, unlike old Astons, it actually works.
Besides, all the tactile stuff is still just as it should be.
There's leather.
It's very leathery.
And this metal is very metally.
And this wood is very - ooh! I'm just kidding, that's nice wood.
Now the armrest.
You don't have to go through all that effort of manually sliding it back to get to the little bit of storage underneath there.
No, there's a switch here that does that for you.
I cannot believe that I have been manually sliding armrests all these years, like an ape.
That is time I cannot get back.
So it's great to drive.
Great to spend time in.
But it should be.
The DB11 is 155 grand.
Which does raise that old debate.
For about half the money, you could have a Nissan GTR, which has about the same power, and four wheel drive, and will annihilate this Aston around any circuit on earth.
But come on, that's not the point of the DB11.
This is a luxury yacht.
Not a speed boat.
It's a private jet.
Not a jet fighter.
It's about understated elegance.
Sophisticated, effortless, cool.
Yeah.
Which means this race track is not where the DB11 was meant to live.
However, we've installed a useful new feature on this race track.
Narnia had its wardrobe, Bill and Ted had their phone booth and Stargate had its its Stargate.
Top Gear now has its left at hammer head.
That's right.
Left turn at hammer head.
OK.
First time for everything.
Let's do this.
Oh, yeah! Now we're talking.
Sweet! Yeah.
Just call me Le Bond.
Matt Le Bond.
Would have been nice if it came with the pants.
Of course, every hero needs a villain.
Introducing The Mercedes S63 AMG coupe, a two door with an evil streak.
It's huge, it is ostentatious.
I mean, I've got cameras that scan the road ahead for bumps, and for some reason I have Swarovski crystals in the headlights.
I'm coming to get you, Le Bond.
Who the hell is that? Oh Hey.
I get it.
Bond villain? Let me guess, Dr No-hair? You're loving this, aren't you? You've got the car, you've got the suit.
Oh, hey, listen, Hillary Clinton called - she wants her jacket back.
Look, I didn't even choose this! Oi! That's a V8, right? Well, a twin turbo V8, yes.
V12.
Twin turbo V12.
Horsepower? You? Only 600.
OK, look, pretend Mercedes, real Mercedes, more talk and let's face it, it's a better driver.
It's on.
Bulldozer, bulldozer! That's actually an articulating loader.
Get out of the way.
I've got a smug American to kill.
Let's see how you cope with this, Le Bond! Full beam, is there no limit to his evil? Where's he going? Decision, decisions.
He's lost! Here's good.
Such a picturesque country.
Ooh.
Sorry.
Enjoy your lunch! 130 140 150 Wow, this car's quick.
Live with this, Le Bond.
You see, the thing about that Merc is, it's limited to 155.
This DB11 isn't.
Later, Harris.
Whoa.
That was a New Holland TN90 F.
Classic.
Did you see the police? Of course I saw the police, and I think they saw us.
Ooh! What kind of police cars are those, Dr No-hair? They are Vauxhall Astras, Le Bond.
We can outrun those, right? Absolutely.
This is cool.
Oh, yes.
Police.
Police everywhere.
We're surrounded, Le Bond.
We're surrounded.
Oh, it's very bad.
It's very, very bad.
Where are your trousers? Don't draw attention to it.
That was fun, that was really fun.
Yeah.
Thank you.
So, left at hammer head.
Yes, I think it opens up a whole new world of opportunities, right? You just have to pack an extra pair of pants.
That would be wise.
OK, let's talk about the cars.
You love this Mercedes, right? It is fantastic, it's 20 grand cheaper than the Aston Martin.
It's the best GT car I have ever driven.
I mean, I arrive at places feeling more relaxed than when I started.
Double glazing, best hi-fi I've ever heard.
Best GT car you've ever driven? It's wonderful, just a great car to be in.
It is very subtle.
I like that.
Yeah, yeah, it's not overstated, and you say you really like it.
But it does miss one thing.
There is one important thing it doesn't have.
Are you ready? It doesn't have THIS.
This badge, right here.
It doesn't have that.
You're so vain! This badge here was founded by Karl Benz in 1885.
He invented the motor car.
This thing has provenance.
But it doesn't have THIS badge.
This one right here.
THIS badge.
And do you want to know why that's relevant? I'll show you.
Who here would take the Mercedes? That woman over there.
OK.
And who here OK, let me finish.
Who here would have the Aston? Ouch! I am disappointed in each and every one of you.
You've let yourselves down.
It's a great car, it's a great car, but it's not an Aston Martin.
Fair enough.
Right, OK.
Now there's one thing to do.
Find out how fast the DB11 went round our test track.
You know what that means - it's time for the Stig! Here he is then, on the line in the DB11.
600 horsepower, twin turbo V12.
Pretty good traction off the line.
Howling up past the heli-shot.
Braking zone, looks heavy, doesn't it, look at the roll on the car straight away.
Stig, very relaxed in there, very leathery and woody.
A bit of tyre smoke coming out.
This has got so much power.
Braking hard, look at the pitch, look at the weight moving around.
Hammerhead.
Managed to hold his line, but watch the oversteer on the exit.
Managing it all the way.
That was sexy driving.
Over to the right-hand side now.
Braking hard into Hammerhead.
Again, it stops well, but it does look heavy.
Look at the lean, a bit of understeer to start with, then Stig gets on the throttle, neutralises it.
What happens on the exit? Here we go.
That's just showboating.
Super slick oversteer.
Look at the smoke there, the diff opening up a bit.
Maybe the diff isn't that tight.
Through the follow-through.
That's really fast and skilful through there.
Bang, that was aggressive.
Braking hard into second to last.
What's it like here? Looks very, very stable to me.
But it doesn't look that grippy.
That was using all the track.
Now left into Gambon and over the line.
That looked fast.
OK, the new Aston Martin DB11 went around the track in one minute 21.
5.
Right there.
It's ahead of the M3.
Before you ask, before you even ask, we had the Stig take the S 63 around as well.
What do you think? It's perfect.
Yeah, right, absolutely.
So the Mercedes AMG S 63 did it in one minute 24 flat.
Oooh, that goes there.
Well, it's totally irrelevant.
What? Hold on, you, Chris Harris, pro racing driver, car guru, is going to tell me that in the context of comparing two cars that the lap time between those two cars is totally irrelevant? It's totally irrelevant! This is a comfort game.
This is a comfortable car.
I can sometimes be, you know, rational.
You can also sometimes be a sore loser.
Rory.
And a bit later on in the show, I'll be proving you don't need to spend supercar money to keep up with supercars.
You just need the right machinery.
And the right driver.
Yeah.
Not you! All right, now it is time to meet this week's guest.
Star of Green Wing, Friday Night Dinner and Episodes.
Great show.
Please welcome Tamsin Greig.
Wow.
All right? How are you? So glad to see you.
So glad you're here.
Tamsin and I have been friends for a long time.
We do the other show together, obviously.
And we have kissed on camera.
- On camera.
- On camera.
- I vomited on you.
- Yeah.
- On camera.
- You did.
And you kicked and punched me repeatedly on and off camera.
Yeah.
But we never have had the chat.
The what? The chat, you know? The chat, what chat? Tamsin Greig We want to know about your first one.
Oh.
Because this is a car show, right? Yeah, your first car, what did you think I was talking about? Your first car, come on.
A Fiat Uno.
Oooooo! Yeah, guys! And it gave me this kind of exultant feeling of liberty and I was very, very happy in that car.
An exultant feeling of liberty? You don't get a lot of that.
That's the first poetry ever induced by a Fiat Uno.
But the Fiat Uno became a, kind of like, gangster car after that.
- Did it? - It did.
No, no.
In Chipping Norton.
In Kilburn, where I grew up.
And, yeah, it became The souped up version.
The Turbo IE.
Thank you.
Is that the one you had? No, I had the basic one that sounded like a fridge.
The door made that really satisfying noise.
And did things move up after that car? After that car, then I got a Citroen AX, which Yeah, guys! Aren't you glad you've got me on your show? - I have a Citroen AX now.
- What, still? - I still have one.
- How old is it? It is 1988.
They were famously unreliable, though, so did you ever break down in it? Yeah, I did.
I did break down once.
There's a tiny little road that goes over the Lake District called Rhino's Pass.
And I was on my own with a dog.
And I thought to myself, this would be a really bad place to break down.
At which point my gear stick came off in my hand, and this was before mobile phones.
And so I got out of the car with the dog, at sundown, so I'm walking down the mountain of this little road, and managed to find a little house.
And there was a house there, a couple there, and I used their phone and phoned the breakdown services and they found me.
I said to the AA guy Are we allowed to say AA? - Can we say that? - Is that advertising? Yeah, you can.
The man from Alcoholics Anonymous came, and he said I said, it's so brilliant to see you, I was really, really worried.
I'm here on my own, and I'm female, I'm female! And it could have been a nightmare.
And the guy, without blinking, said to me, "It's not a nightmare.
" "It would have been a nightmare if I'd had a knife.
" That's horrid! That's what the recovering alcoholic said.
The recovering alcoholic said, hiding his weapons.
Can we stop the horror stories, because that's frankly harrowing.
Can we talk about Episodes, because I'm a big fan.
You've just filmed the last season.
Why does it have to end? Tamsin didn't want to do it any more.
Well, boo to you.
Awwwww, well I'm glad we're leaving you on a high.
I think it's really good to know when to end stories.
Yeah.
Don't you? It's great to just know when you're done.
I kind of feel like we've told our story.
Leave them wanting more.
We have tried to get a clip of this.
It was quite difficult to get a pre-watershed, friendly clip, but here we go.
You want to loosen up, don't hunch your shoulders.
Still hunching Still hunching Still hunching! Those are my shoulders.
Really? Both hands tight on the grip.
It's loud! It's loud! It's loud! Holy crap! Well done, darling.
That was no bloody car door.
I'm never doing this again, because it was loud! All right, my turn.
What?! Well done, well done.
Great wrist action.
Thanks, did that look like Yeah, what was that? Was it a .
357? No, no.
No! It was a Smith Wesson .
44.
It's a big cannon.
Yes.
I mean, I stood there for a long time.
That's why my arms look so toned.
Because it was the whole day I was stood there like that.
OK, I want to show you something very special now, OK.
A couple of years ago, Renault thought they had spotted a gap in the market place, and they have just created this.
Have a look at this.
This is delicious.
The Alpine 110.
Al-peen? "Al-peen", yeah.
It's a fast Renault.
Not Al-pine? It's an Al-peen.
OK, now, the Porsche Cayman is worth 40,000 pounds and up, so Renault thought, we can offer a cheaper car.
So it's about 250 horsepower, 1250 kg.
It's mid-engined, it's sexy as hell.
Look at that, it's just perfect.
And it's developed by the guys at Renault Sport, and they know a thing or two about making great, fast cars.
Except there's one problem.
It's not cheaper than a Porsche Cayman.
Is it? It's about 60,000 pounds.
That is the slight issue.
They identified the gap in the market and then they totally missed the gap in the market! And it's actually more expensive than a Porsche Cayman.
Yeah.
And it's also named after a toilet cleaner.
Alpine? Al-peen.
Al-peen.
Alpine, it's Alpine fresh.
Does he look like a man who buys his own toilet cleaner? Yeah, he doesn't know what we're talking about! Why can't I buy my own toilet cleaner? Do you go to the shops and buy toilet cleaner? Whoa, why is everybody talking like this to me? Ask him, Rory.
Do it from that side as well.
Name one brand of toilet cleaner.
Al-peen.
Ermmmm Fairy liquid! Fairy liquid! Toilet.
You wash your Fairy liquid.
You wash your toilet with fairy liquid? After doing the dishes.
OK.
That's in the States.
That's a car.
It's the stuff with the funny neck on it, so you can get under the rim.
Duck.
Duck.
All right, time to see how your training session went with the loving, caring, kind, tender, gentle Chris Harris.
Let's take a look.
What's the fastest you've been in a car? - I think about 90 miles an hour.
- 19?! Or 90? 90! 90, OK, this could be interesting.
Let's go.
Just be nice, all right? No, nothing gets done if you're not nice.
OK, I'll try.
OK, full power.
You've got 7000 revs, use them! Louder.
Second, third gear now.
Whoa, it's in there somewhere.
Sorry.
Fourth gear.
You know the bit on the show where you have to set the fast lap? That's this bit.
You are aware of that, aren't you? Is this it? Fourth gear.
Keep going.
We need a sundial to time this, not a stopwatch.
Be clear.
Down here, straight.
Braking hard now, right, right.
No, left of the You said right! Just say every bit.
Round there, round there, to the right.
This is the famous Hammerhead.
Don't get it wrong.
Left, left, left, left.
Right.
That's no bloody good, is it.
What are you? What are you doing? I'm really glad you're here.
You've been very helpful in many ways.
But I'm feeling a kind of A wave of anger coming from you.
I'm just interested in what that's all about.
I'm angry because we're trying to go fast and you're not going fast yet.
I just want to go fast.
I am going fast, faster than I was.
You think you're going fast.
OK, you're a teacher.
If you get angry when I can't quite do what you're asking me to do, that's going to reflect badly on you.
Not on me.
So I think you just need to calm down.
And maybe we can just start by saying please.
Or, and, thank you.
But if I use those pleasantries, will you go faster.
Yes.
- Are you sure? - Yes, I will.
All right, are we ready? Yeah.
Teach me.
Don't point.
Can we go, can we please move the steering wheel in a rightward direction.
Now, before we're driving? Now, please.
Before we go.
Let's go.
Now accelerate and use the throttle and into second gear, please.
Thank you.
And into third gear, please, if you feel like it.
Thank you.
Now four.
Thank you.
Now over to the left but avoid the cameraman, because that would be bad.
Now down the end here.
Come on! Get on Please hurry up.
Where am I going? Left, left is good.
Over there.
Maybe just also say OK, OK, OK.
Come on, Tamsin! I know you've got it in you, come on! And can you please, please, brake between the 100 and the 50.
Brake, brake! Don't shout.
Third gear, please.
Left, left.
I feel like we've been through something there.
How do you feel? I feel that you have improved as a driver, and that I have improved as a human being.
Win, win, win.
Now get out the fucking car! And just think about how you've been behaving.
That was great.
You see what you get? I can't help it.
No, she was very, very good.
She really was.
Yeah.
It looked pretty slippery out there, too.
It's the worst conditions there have ever been experienced on Top Gear.
In three episodes? No, ever.
Ever? Wasn't it? I'm not sure I agree with that, but sure, whatever you say.
I can't wait to see your time now.
But we'll do that little bit later.
Now, I want to talk about ancient history, the 1970s.
You see, 40 years ago, if you lived in Britain and wanted a fast car that wasn't a pain to live with, you were stuck with something like this.
The Triumph Dolomite Sprint.
Yeah, the 70s kind of sucked.
But one humble hatchback was about to change all of that forever.
The original Volkswagen Golf GTI lands in the UK.
Its mission, to prove you can have practicality and proper performance.
Mission successful.
The GTI was quicker than most sports cars.
0-60 took barely eight seconds.
By 70s standards, that was warp speed.
The GTI was a game-changer.
And in the mid-1980s, with the rest of the world running to catch up, VW dropped this.
The second-generation Golf GTI.
Big bumpers, and big attitude.
Damn, this thing's good! But then came the 1990s, and the GTI became heavier and uglier.
The Mark 4 was so porky, it was actually slower to 60 than the 70s original.
But VW wasn't done yet.
Argh! That is more I like it.
Yes, the Mark 5.
Loads more power, way more nimble.
This was a hot hatch for the noughties.
And by 2009, with the Mark 6, VW had officially rediscovered its mojo.
The GTi was back.
That brings us, 40 years after the original GTi landed in the UK, to this - the Volkswagen Golf GTi Clubsport S.
The most powerful production Golf ever.
306 horses, nearly three times as many as that original GTi from the '70s.
And that's the kind of inflation I think we can all get behind.
And because it's a proper old school Golf, all the power heads that way.
By rights, front wheel drive cars like should understeer, but the Clubsport S doesn't, it just grips and grips and grips.
How is it doing this? That just makes no sense! This is a fast, fast car.
Woo-hoo! Yes, yes, yes! You can almost smell the engineering quality.
It feels like 40 years of perfecting the hot hatch formula.
It feels sophisticated.
It feels expensive.
Which, I'm afraid, it is.
In fact, this Clubsport S model cost 34,000 pounds.
That's nearly three grand more than a Ford Focus RS, which has more power, four wheel drive and rear seats.
Did I not mention that? Well, yes, as part of their weight saving measures, Volkswagen has chopped out the rear bench and replaced it with a pole and some garden netting.
The rear parcel shelf has also gone, along with most of the insulation.
They've even ditched the floor mats.
And there's no armrest.
And guess how much that crash diet saves? 30 kilos.
I mean, you can put that back on after a big kebab! The Clubsport has all the performance, but almost none of the practicality.
It's like it's forgotten what hot hatches stand for.
I'd argue this isn't really a hot hatch at all.
So, if it's not a hot hatch, what is it? Well, ask Volkswagen and they will tell you it's a two seater sports car, with an appetite for race tracks.
One race track in particular.
The Nurburgring.
The scariest circuit on the planet.
13 miles and 73 corners of twisting.
Terrifying tarmac.
And the spiritual home of the Clubsport S.
This is officially the fastest front wheel drive car ever to lap this track.
It was developed here, tested here.
Every detail has been tweaked to make this go as fast as possible, out there.
It even has sticky tyres, fade resistant brakes and proper functional spoilers.
So what's this track ready Golf really like? To find out, I've turned up to a typical German track day, to see if the Clubsport S can keep up with the locals, who, let's face it, seem to take things pretty seriously.
Yes, getting the very best out of the Golf in this field was going to take some real driving talent.
Right.
Let's do this.
Hi Rory, welcome.
Yes, why don't you show me round? For you, I've got a special present.
A map of the track and then you know where we are exactly.
You think we can keep up? No problem! With Sabine in confident mood, we headed out to see what the Golf was made of.
It's like a little go-kart.
A front wheel drive go-kart - so much fun.
OK.
I love the carousel.
OK, now I'm scared.
I love it.
Argh! Your name is Rory Reid, not Rory Worried.
I'm very worried right now.
Oh my God.
Now I was keen to really drill down into the merits of the Golf's chassis dynamics.
Sorry! But then Sabine spotted some prey.
They're our enemies.
OK, we have some cars up ahead.
So we went hunting.
Come on, little Golf.
What is it? That's a 3 Series BMW.
Later! I wonder how he feels, being overtaken by a Golf? I think we need another victim.
I can see a Porsche.
That looks like a - it's a Cayman R.
Cayman R.
The quick one.
Bye, bye, baby.
It's a Cayman GT4.
We're just giant killing right now.
I'm going to start writing these down.
Oh yes.
In the hands of Sabine, the Golf wasn't just keeping up with the locals Loser, loser! It was owning them.
Come on, little Golf.
Coming closer.
Look at this! That was a Carrera 4 GTS.
That is a 90,000 pound car.
Oh, cool.
Which made me wonder while we were out here, could the Golf overtake a million quid's worth? OK.
Only one way to find out.
Go, go, go, go! Come on, come on, come on! What's that? That's a Corvette.
That's the C6.
Seriously? It's 90 grand.
There's a Golf GTA on your tail! Bye! Sabine, I'm trying to write here! But Sabine was in the zone.
She was braking later.
On the power earlier.
Woo! That's a GT3.
They're 100 grand.
The Golf was astonishing.
Nissan GTR.
80 grand.
Now past the half million pound mark.
We need more.
Sabine wasn't done yet.
Come on, come on, come on.
What is it? That looks like a Porsche 911 Turbo.
I'll catch you, my friend.
You are on it, you are on it.
No brakes.
We're catching him.
Get out of my way.
911 Turbo.
Destroyed.
How much is it? That's 130k! Wow.
Woo-hoo! With 700 grands-worth of overtakes now in the bag, nothing was safe from our little hatch back.
What is that? That's a Lamborghini.
A Lamborghini! That's a 570 Superleggera! And I mean nothing.
Oh my God.
Oh my God! Then, around the next corner One more, one more.
Yes.
911 GT3 RX.
If you get this, you've done it.
Get him.
Come on, little Golf.
Are we going to get the GT3? Are we going to get it? Can we overtake it? We've got him, we got him! We got him! Have some of that! You are not human.
This car I love my job! Very nice.
Great driving, Sabine.
Great driving, you crossed everything.
Yeah, even him.
No, the car was really great.
Yes.
Good handling, like a little go-kart, so I had so much fun.
I think you had a little bit fun as well, Rory? I was having fun up to a point, and then, you know, my stomach was churning around a little bit.
But we got there.
How bad? Not too bad? It was touch-and-go.
Touch-and-go? Not that we don't trust Rory's math, but we added it all up back at the office, and you passed?1.
1 million worth of cars out there.
Way to go! But I must say, I could have done two million, but I had the heavy fat oak in my passenger seat.
I thought we were friends! Down hill, yes, but uphill, no.
Can we just take a minute to appreciate the Clubsport S.
34 grand is a lot for a hot hatch, but that's cheap for something that can annihilate six figure supercars.
Yes, if you have a Sabine driving it.
If it's you or me driving it, it's just an expensive Golf with no back seat.
I take your point.
Sabine, we will talk more about that lap over in Extra Gear later on, OK? We'll do that.
That's right.
Check it out.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sabine Schmitz.
So no pressure then.
What, so I have to follow that? Yes.
Is that deliberate? Well, yes.
How cool was that? That was really, really brilliant.
Yes.
All right.
Now, it's dream garage, OK.
You have?100,000 to spend, you want something exciting, but just a little bit scary.
Something that will get the blood pumping, but not too much, you know.
What do you get? OK, I could go BAC Mono.
The car that looks like an F1 car.
Oh yes.
Superb engine, a Chevy Corvette, maybe, Stingray.
What is it with you and Corvette Stingrays? Cayman GT4, with shaved down rear tyres for a bit of slidy slidy.
Perfect.
OK.
Both good answers, both wrong answers.
Because if you want to spend?100,000 on something exciting but a bit scary, you want one of these.
Huh? That is the Bunning Lowlander, Widebody 380HD.
That's what you want.
What the hell is that? That's a rear end muck spreader, obviously.
HD stands for high-definition.
How do you know that? Everybody knows that.
I don't know that.
These people all know that.
You know that? Yes.
Yes, thanks, cheers.
So that thing just spreads poo? Well, yes, it spreads poo, but that's not all it spreads.
Oh no! Want to know what else it spread? What else does it spread? A melon, a shed and a Volvo.
Check this out.
This is the Bunning Lowlander Widebody 380HD and it spreads muck.
Really well.
Check this out.
OK, I got my trusty assistant with me today.
She's super competent.
Her name's Tamsin Greig.
Let's rock and roll.
Mind my melons! I think this is going to be fun, Tam.
Oh, it's a melon storm.
Wow! What a mess! Next is the shed.
OK, Tam, he's all loaded.
That is a shed in the chute.
Let's make some matchsticks.
Ooh! Are you having fun? There is still one side of it left, being a bit stubborn.
OK, Tam, I got the perfect thing to get rid of that last piece of wood.
Our scrap Volvo.
OK, this is the big one, Tam.
We're going to need full power, I think.
There goes the bonnet.
Oh, the poor Volvo.
I've never you so excited! Woo-hoo! Oh, there goes the wheel.
There's a lot of leg room in that car now! So there you have it.
That is the Bunning Lowlander Widebody 380HD.
It spreads stuff.
All over the place.
Hold on - that's a poo spreader.
What kind of animal produces the kind of poo that needs a machine like that? It doesn't matter.
Any animal.
It'll spread anything, anywhere, any time.
I have never seen you look so happy.
I think you enjoyed yourself too, in the big tractor.
That was good, because I was the one making the things and the things and the But I knew you'd know about this stuff, because you play a farmer in The Archers, don't you.
I play a farmer on Radio 4's, you don't know about this because you never ask me any questions, on a programme called The Archers.
The Archers? The Archers.
Is that an archery show, what is that? Tell him.
The Archers is a long-running radio show on Radio 4.
It started in 1951, I think.
Mm-hm.
And it's about a made up a place called Ambridge.
You've been on a radio show since 1951?! Not that long.
'91.
Yeah.
That long? Yeah, I let them warm up for 30 years before I joined it.
How did I not know this? Because you don't ask me any questions.
That's right.
I've done a lot of stuff with muck spreading and my character drives a huge combine harvester, which is kind of the size of a bungalow.
What kind of combine harvester? A big one.
The size of a bungalow.
Is it an International Harvester, a John Deere? What is it? It's like a chair in a radio studio.
But I stand on the chair to get height differential.
Why? Because then you can hear the difference in height when I'm up there and someone is shouting to me from down there.
So it sounds like a tall machine.
So you record your pieces standing on a chair? Yeah, and shouting down to the person who's not in the combine harvester.
You should see me when I'm riding a horse! All right, now it's time to see how you went around our test track.
Are you ready? The big moment.
Yeah.
How do you think you did? Well I was really afraid.
Great.
Really afraid.
Great.
And I was most afraid of the weather.
And being in the car on my own.
Was it fun, did you enjoy it? I did.
It was kind of like, you know when you've just had too much coffee Yeah.
And you remember each coffee, but then you're left with this feeling that you don't know what to do with.
Yeah.
So if that's enjoyment, then yes.
What do you think? Do you think she had a good time? Definitely not.
All right, well, shall we take a look? Before we watch the lap, though, it needs to be said, it was really, really slippery.
Almost flooding conditions.
It was horrendous out there.
Just shy of ice.
Let's take a look.
OK, here we go.
Tamsin Greig, GT 86.
Pretty good off the line.
Slick gear up into third.
Don't know if I should change gear, should I change gear? It's telling me to change gear.
Well, it's too late.
Look at this, good speed, look how wet it is with puddles everywhere.
Third gear.
Not quite on the line.
Grass! That's the grass there, Tamsin.
You must have You were a bit scared there, weren't you? You went on the grass.
Here we go, third gear.
I think you're in second there.
I think you're being cautious, that's the word there, cautious.
Whoa, sorry, I'll pay for that.
Matt will pay for that.
Was that the gearbox again? Third gear, down the straight and breaking out.
Look how wet it is.
I do feel sorry for you.
It's properly wet.
Get on the power.
Sorry, I'll pay for that one.
Matt will pay for the first.
Down the back straight.
Breathe, come on breathe.
You weren't breathing in training, were you? No, you weren't.
There's the follow-through.
Safely navigated.
It's really brilliant when you go fast around corners! Through the tyres.
You can actually accelerate around corners! I've never been able to do that in north-west London.
Look at your line, it was always really good into that corner.
That was the one.
Was it? That's the most unsighted corner on the circuit, but you always nailed it.
OK, Gambon.
Pfft! It's not It's what we call controlled driving.
Yeah! Yeah.
OK, now considering it was a swimming pool out there, are you happy with that? It looks a lot slower than it felt.
It was like an old lady going to the shops.
Chris, how do you think she did? I'm confident.
I think we've got a good solid time, and we've got someone that's alive.
OK, are you ready? The time to beat is still 1:39.
5 set by Max Whitlock, the Olympic demigod.
Have you ever seen his scissor work on the pommel horse? Fantastic.
Calm down.
Tamsin Greig You went around our track in one minute Yes! 58.
7.
Yes! That's a wet time.
That is a wet time.
You're OK.
Look at that.
That's the second-fastest wet time.
And the last wet time we had was not nearly that wet.
It wasn't.
That's a good wet time.
We are here, we are alive, and I haven't brought too much shame on the family.
No shame.
We all win.
I did really, really secretly enjoy it.
You should be proud of yourself.
That was great.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tamsin Greig.
You were great, fantastic.
Thanks.
Thank you, well done.
You're still alive, so we're all good.
OK, now I want to talk sports cars.
Not big, intimidating, fire-breathing supercar monsters, but affordable, adorable, attainable cars.
Cars with romance, you know? The thing about sports cars like that, there's only one place that springs to mind, right? Italy.
There's just something about it, isn't there? Especially if you're in a classic Italian sports car, like this.
The Fiat 124 Spider.
Bella, huh? Born in 1966, the 124 Spider was designed by Pininfarina.
It had a sparkling twin cam engine, a cutting edge 5-speed manual gearbox.
And it weighed about as much as an actual spider.
And it was bellissima to drive.
It still is.
Still is The 124 Spider was so good, so timeless, that Fiat kept building it for nearly two decades.
But that was 30 years ago.
And ever since, fans of simple, sensibly-priced Italian two seaters have been left kind of hungry.
But now, Fiat has a new dish on the menu.
This is the Fiat 124 Spider Abarth.
A classic name, classic recipe.
Small, lightweight, brilliantly back to basics.
It's stick shift, rear-wheel drive, and the roof is not some complicated, Transformer robot of metal and motors.
It's just a little scrap of fabric you operate using one of these.
Just pop it up and pop it down.
Simple as that.
And when you get it out on the road, you can really start to appreciate that beautiful simplicity.
Hello, parmigiana, panna cotta.
Oh right, the car See, this 124 is a throwback to a less complicated age.
Sure, sometimes you want a state-of-the-art sports car with your torque vectoring and your magnetic adaptive damping and a double clutch gearbox and a Wi-Fi enabled milk frother.
But sometimes you just want to keep it simple, right? So, after a 30 year absence, is this finally the genuine Italian sports car we've been waiting for? Buongiorno.
Une caffe espresso si prega? Well, here's the problem.
I'm not really in Italy Hiya! I'm in Los Angeles, and this is a film set.
And this waiter, he's not called Alessandro or Giuseppe.
His name is Hunter.
Hey.
Can you read my film script? Oh, sure.
And this 124 is not an Italian car.
Sure, it's got a Fiat badge on it and a few bits of it come from Italy, but underneath, this is Japanese.
Specifically, it's one of these.
A Mazda Miata, or MX-5, as you guys call it.
And while pretty much every car in the world shares something with another car, these two share pretty much everything.
Check out the Mazda's cabin.
And now check out the Fiat's cabin.
Mazda.
Fiat.
Mazda.
Fiat.
Wait, hang on, which is which? The 124 is even built in Japan, on the same production line as the MX-5.
Now, if you're going to borrow from a little sports car, the MX-5 is definitely where you want to start.
However, the stuff the Italians have added seems to have made it worse.
You see, where as the Mazda uses a naturally aspirated motor, this 124 uses a turbo motor.
Yeah, you get a bit of extra power, 168 horsepower, to be exact.
And this 124 goes 0-60 in 6.
8 seconds and has a top speed of 144 miles an hour Quick enough to leave a Mazda its dust.
But, and this may sound picky, but that's kind of my job, these kind of cars are meant to be all about instant throttle response and high revs and keeping you connected to the chassis.
But here, when you put your foot down, there's just a little bit of turbo lag, a slight hesitation before things get going.
Just enough to break the connection.
It's like trying to tie your shoelaces with boxing gloves on.
It's a pain in the ass.
So the Mazda has the Fiat beaten on feel.
But at least the 124 is cheap, right? Well, no.
This one cost nearly 30 grand, almost nine grand more than the fastest MX-5.
Mamma Mia.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't an awful car.
But this was Fiat's chance to summon the ghost of all those classic Italian sports cars to revive that 60s spirit.
Yeah, it's a fun car to flick around on a winding canyon road, but to call it the 124 I don't know.
That name feels like it should have that 60s spirit, and this car, it just doesn't.
It's like, the way it looks, all 21st-century retro.
It's just a bit Fake.
So if you want a two seat Italian sports car that takes you back to the golden age, and come on, who doesn't? I'm afraid I can't recommend the Fiat 124.
I can, however, recommend the Fiat 124.
Seriously.
If you want to live out all those 60s Italy fantasies, and I really don't blame you if you do, then why not do it in a car from 60s Italy? Molto bene.
Bonasera.
Pappa da pupeda.
On days like these I wonder what became of you Maybe today you're singing songs with someone new I tried, I wanted to like it.
I really did, I really wanted to like it.
Yeah, you're right.
It's a let down.
I just can't get on board with the styling.
To me it's kind of, I don't know, a little droopy.
Such a disappointment.
And the worst thing is, it doesn't even feel rear-wheel drive, because it's got so much grip.
Yeah.
This is a beautiful moment.
What? What? We agree! We all hate it! On next week's show, I'm the first person ever to review the Bugatti Chiron.
Yeah.
And I'm the first person ever to review the new Ducati 1299 Superleggera.
And they gave me a Renault Twingo.
It's a big, big show.
We'll see you then.
Good night.