Trailer Park Boys s09e09 Episode Script

This is where I seent him, Bubbles.
Right around here.
He ran down over that fucking bank right there.
What? Fuck! Ricky, look at that.
Real Bigfoot poop! Jesus Christ, look at the size of it.
Looks like a shit cobra.
God, look, there's a whole bone in it, and some corn! Ricky! Ricky, be careful.
You're gonna spook the cocksucker.
We could make a fucking fortune off this, Bubbles.
Keep him in a cage, sell tickets on him like they did with Donkey Kong.
That was King Kong, Ricky.
No, no, his son, Donkey.
Remember that, the video game with him and his Mexican uncle, Lugi? I think they live in Hong Kong? Anyway, they're probably rich as fuck.
Holy fuck! It's go time! Ready? Crack him again, Ricky! No! Ricky, fuck! Wait! - Wait, wait! - It speaks English! Holy fuck! Sam? What the fuck are you guys doing? What the fuck are we doing? What the fuck are you doing here? Living in a cave? I had nowhere to go when shit went down with me and Cyrus.
What was I supposed to do? Why don't you put some fucking clothes on, at least? 'Cause I like the fucking freedom, Ricky.
I'm fucking starving, though.
Please, guys, get me some food.
I've got 20 bucks, I'll pay you.
to make gazillions.
There's a fucking "Saskatchewauntch" running around here.
We're going to catch it and sell it.
No, Ricky.
This is the fucking thing people have been seeing running around the woods.
Oh, my fuck! Are you serious? I'm famous? That's fucking cool.
But I am fucking starving.
Seriously, I haven't eaten in two days.
Please, Ricky.
Please.
No chance, you hairy shit-lunch.
You fucked everything up on us.
Oh yeah? How about I go down where you're growing your fucking weed and leave the biggest shit you ever fucking saw? Fuck! Take it easy.
Don't fuck with my clones.
I'll get you some lunch.
What do you want? Oh, yeah! Chalet, man.
White meat only.
Extra fries and cook 'em extra too.
Dipping sauce And and if the Festive Feast is still going on, get me some of those fucking sweet and salty chocolate balls.
Here.
Oh, you guys are the best.
Thanks, man.
I'll be right fucking here.
Oh, my God.
Did that really just happen, or am I just super fucking high right now? I'm sure you're super high, Ricky, but that did happen.
The metamorphosis is complete.
Sam is an actual caveman.
There you go.
Now I'll be able to hear you a lot better, Julian.
What's that, bud? You want to share your drink with me? Sure.
It's a special day.
Sorry, bud.
You want to drink too? That'd be so nice.
Me and Julian alone at last.
All right, listen up, everyone.
I was hoping to sell the motel and use the money to buy Sunnyvale, but unfortunately, that's not going to happen anymore.
The good news is that fucking lunatic, Leslie, he's no longer there.
So, you guys can all go back to Sunnyvale - and live in peace.
- Huh! Live in piss, you mean.
We're not going anywhere, are we? - Look - No.
The motel's flooded.
It's going to be moldy soon.
It's going to rot away and fucking collapse.
It's just not safe! I grew up in Sunnyvale.
I care about it.
Just like I care about all of you.
And if you live in Sunnyvale, you are my family.
So just trust me.
Go back to Sunnyvale.
Please.
That's all I gotta say.
Well, fuck it! Let's go.
Ah, Julian, you made me spill my drink, bud.
A little drinky-poo? Hey, you want to know something, Julian? I think I might have made a little mistake, bud trying to keep Ricky out of the park.
Because things got a little screwed up, didn't they, bud? Because I turned my back on the fucking liquor! And there's only one fucking way to make it right, Julian.
It is not too late, bud! It's never too late, bud.
Eh, Julian? All right, yeah.
Sounds good.
Talk to you in a bit.
Hey, boys.
How'd it go? Let me guess, there was no Samsquamptches.
Oh, no, we saw a fucking Samsquamptch all right.
But it turned out to be a Sam-squamptch.
What? Sam Losco's living in a fucking cave out in the woods eating snakes and squirrels.
He's the fucking thing everyone's seent running around the goddamn woods.
Are you fucking serious? Yup, and he's not worth a goddamn cent.
We're fucked! I'm sorry, man, that I fucked up Cory fucked up, really, Bubbles fucked everyone's just fucking up.
Look, man, it's all right.
You didn't fuck up on purpose.
- It's cool.
- No, I know, but I do feel partly responsible that this all got cocked over.
You know, man, whatever it takes, I'll do anything to help you fix this disaster.
You know what you can do? Go pick up your family, and take them back to the park, bud.
Pshh, I wish I could, but I can't.
You know that.
Rick, there's no one there to stop you now.
Yeah, Ricky, go back to the park, and be with your family.
That's a good fucking point.
You should go with him.
No, I'm going to stay here with you, Julian.
If you recall, I don't actually have a "home" to go back to.
But you should go, Ricky, it'd be nice.
All right I will.
Thanks, boys.
Fucking love you guys.
Yeah, love you too, you fucking dick.
I love you guys.
You okay? What the fuck are you doing? Purring.
Man-kitty.
Means I'm happy.
Try it, Ricky.
Feels good.
Purr I thought I was just going to make a statement about how much of a friggin' jerk Leslie is.
But when we got there, he used his one phone call to call the real police.
And he filed sexual assault charges against me! Just for checking his oil! Mr.
Lahey! Mr.
Lahey! Mr.
Lahey! We gotta get rid of this liquor, bud.
Just you and me, buddy Just you and me.
Oh, God, I want to be warm with you.
Oh, Julian! Ahh.
So, what's the verdict, Julian? Now, I make this call, and we'll be done this afternoon.
No turning back.
What call? - Fuck it.
Let's do it.
- All right.
All you need is a signature.
Compliments of the house.
- All right? - Thanks.
What the fuck call is he talking about? What's going on? Julian? Bubbs, I didn't want to involve you in this.
But if we want to get the park back, there's one option left.
And it's fucking greasy.
I don't like the word "greasy.
" You mean greasy or do you mean gree-hee-easy? Gree-hee-easy.
You stay here, little buddy.
I'll be right back, okay? Luce, Trin! Luce! Georgie.
- Ricky.
- Hey.
How's it going? Don't want any trouble.
I'm just here to take my family home for good.
In the car.
We're moving back to Sunnyvale.
What are you talking about? It's for real, Luce.
Colonel Leslie the fuckhead's in jail, and I'm moving back into my trailer today, and I want both of you to come with me.
- Are you serious? - Dead serious.
Come on, let's get the baby strapped in the car.
No, stop! Not a chance.
Excuse me? You let the fuck go of my daughter! Ricky! No, Ricky! Come on.
Come on.
There is not a snowball's chance in hell that that baby is getting in that unsafe piece of shit.
- Is that fucking right? - That's right.
I'm sick of this shit.
They're my fucking family, so I'm just gonna knock you the fuck out right now, you Ricky, no! Ricky, don't! Calm the fuck down, dumb-ass! I just meant I'll take them over in my car.
You don't think I'm sick of this shit myself? I get it, okay? Lucy's never going to love me the way she loves you.
Go with your family.
Look, George even though you're a dick and pretty much one of the biggest fuckheads in the world, in my opinion most of the time, I'm generously sorry it had to go down like this.
I know how much you liked her, and it's gonna really suck for you, you don't get to bang her anymore.
But there's plenty of fish in that sea, isn't there? Dad, Moe is restless.
Do you have hair bear? Ah, fuck my ass! I knew I forgot something.
Well, what about Willie? They're both made of the same hair.
I can leave Willie with you guys.
I'll meet you back at the park? I'll swing by the motel and get the hair bear.
I can't fucking wait to tap that, Lucy.
Ooh, it's gonna be nuts! Dad! Sorry, Trin.
Slipped.
- All right, see you later.
- Tapping that, and I might even tap that if you let me.
Come on, Willie.
You can't stay in here.
This is fucking greasy, Julian! Why are these guys even doing you a favor? They're not.
They think they're doing Steinberg a favor by fucking us over.
Stupid assholes! Tommy, get the fuck over here to help me with the porn tapes.
Smile, you fuckheads.
You're going to get booma-fucked.
What if we get caught? We can't get caught.
As far as anybody knows, we're in a meeting with Steinberg right now.
It's the perfect fucking alibi.
Yeah, other than the fact you can hear us on this thing.
No, you can't.
I ripped the fucking mic out.
Don't worry, I thought of everything, man.
Fuck, Tommy Freaking out.
Come on, hurry the fuck up, you guys.
Just fucking light it! What are they doing? Why are they so dumb? For fuck's sakes! Who the fuck burns down a motel like this? Hurry the fuck up! A'ight, y'all.
This bus is old as fuck.
I know some of y'all can relate.
But it's not working right now, but we're getting it fixed.
But the good news is, there's gonna be some world-class entertainment, y'know m'sayin', while we wait.
Ladies and gentlemen, apple-dawgs and mahfs, give it up for my boy, MC Flurry.
Ah, yeah! Spit some shit, dawg.
Okay.
- My height may be low.
- Huh.
- My bike may be slow.
- Huh.
But when I'm rockin' on the mic.
- That's right.
- We stand fuckin' toe to toe.
'Cause I'm hard as fuck, bitch I ain't no hamburger platter I'm hard as fuck, bitch For me it don't matter.
'Cause I'm hard as fuck, bitch.
Fucking penis bacon, man.
I tell ya.
Dude, what's up, man? It's okay, we're gonna get it.
- What's wrong with you? - I'm frustrated.
Why did the engine have to blow up right now? 'Cause, you know what? This engine is bullshit.
But we're together.
We're hanging out.
So it's all good.
What can you do? Yeah, you're right, dude.
Sorry.
I wanted to get back to the trailer before Trinity got there, y'know.
Check it.
I'm gonna ask Trinity to marry me today.
I got this at Eon's.
Don't pay a cent for six months.
That's a real cubic zarcarbion.
Holy shit, dude! Man, it sparkles like a motherfucker.
Man, dude, and it follows you where you look.
I'm so happy for you, man! It's awesome! It does, eh.
I'm so nervous, though.
It's all I can think about.
I really don't want to fuck this up.
You won't, man.
You know what, I believe in you Hey, Sifto.
Y'all want to hear a joke? Okay.
How many bitches does it take to repair an engine? How many? Apparently more than two.
Get the fuck off the bus.
Let me and my old man do the job.
We ain't dumb, bitch.
- That wasn't even a funny joke.
- Shut up! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, man, let me axe you something right quick, a'ight? Did you just call me a old man? Yeah, sorry, dawg.
Don't mean no disrespect.
Yeah, but you meant, like like your old man, right? - Yeah.
- You meant I'm your old man.
I'm your old man.
I love a ma'fck.
We fam now, dawg, ain't we? I love you, dawg, I love you.
Love you too, dads.
Fuck off, you old white bitch! Hah clownin' ma'fck Seen? I'm an old man.
I'm an old man to a little ma'fck.
I'm a old man Not like old the way that you're old Doesn't matter, J-Roc.
Come on, come on, come on, we need this evidence, Bubs.
Could you buy a fucking better lighter? Ah, you got to be fucking kidding me! That fucking thing.
What the fuck is Ricky doing here? What? Jesus Christ! What the fuck! Oh, my God, Julian.
They're going to see him.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God, Julian Fuck, fuck, fuck! Hey! What the fuck do we do? What the fuck are you guys doing? None of your fucking business, Ricky! What do we do, what do we do? I don't know! What the fuck do you mean, you don't know? Holy fuck, Julian, they're going to kill him! Ricky's too stupid to die.
- That doesn't even make any sense! - Yes, it does! We have to get that fucking motel lit.
Give me your sock.
What the fuck do you mean, my sock? Just give me your fucking sock! What do you want my sock for? If he dies 'cause you want my sock Just give me the fucking sock.
Jesus Christ.
- What are you doing? - Give me a light.
I don't have a fucking light! I don't smoke! I got to get to Ricky, man, we got to light this thing up.
Take the camera.
- Wait here.
- I'm not fucking Just wait there! Now my fingerprints are on this thing! - You're dumb and you can't aim! - Fuck you! Ready? Go to the car.
One, two, three.
Mr.
Lahey? Mr.
Lahey! Mr.
Lahey! Mr.
Lahey? Randy? Why are you having a bath with a mannequin that looks like Julian? You filled this all with liquor? You want me to go get Julian? Why? Okay, okay, Mr.
Lahey.
But, let's get you out of here first, okay? We're going to put you to bed.
Come on Okay, Mr.
Lahey, you're scaring me right now.
Mr.
Lahey! I'll go get him right now, Mr.
Lahey! You all out of fucking ammo now, dummy? Does that answer your question, pussy tits? Fucking Tommy trying to burn down the fucking motel! I know, it's all part of my plan and you're fucking it up! Then why are you shooting at them? Because they can't know that I'm the one paying them to burn it! Give me your lighter! Why didn't you fucking tell me about this? 'Cause I was afraid you'd fuck everything up.
Yeah? Well, now you didn't tell me and I'm still fucking up.
So what does that tell you? Move! What the fuck are you doing? The hair bear's in there! - I need that! - No, Ricky! Holy fuck! Ahhhh! Fuck! I'm coming, hair bear! You're not going in there, you idiot! I got to get the fucking hair bear! Get in here! Get in the fucking room! Ahh! Oh, my fuck, boys! This is the most fucked up situation - we've ever been in! - No, it isn't.
Looks like the three little pigs are serving up a pig roast for us! Boys, I got to get the fucking hair bear.
No, Ricky, just wait! What the fuck are we going to do here? We're either going to get shot or we're going to fucking burn to death, and both options are fucked! Just calm the fuck down and let me think! I shouldn't be involved, - this is fucking bullshit! - Just wait, listen! Is that a heli-cocksucker? "Live In The Sky" is going to loop around right now Traffic seems to have died down.
Oh, wait a second, folks! Uh, breaking news, here.
"Live In The Sky" is reporting a fire at the Palliser Motel.
I repeat, the Palliser Motel is on fire.
Oh, fuck.
Tommy, it's a helicopter! I hate fucking helicopters, man! Two little grease balls just drove off in a red car.
We're going to swing this baby around right now and you keep you live in action here Cyrus is gone, but Steve Rogers is out there in his excellent news chopper! Great! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ, keep the door shut, Bubs! Holy fuck, boys! There's got to be a way out of here! Well, we can't go until I get the fucking hair bear back! You go outside and we get caught on that camera, we're going the fuck back to jail! - I need him! - We could use these! Fine.
If I can't go out there, I'm fucking going through here.
Rick! Ricky! For fuck's sakes, Rick, what are you doing? Where the fuck are you, hair bear? Hair bear! Here, Ricky, put this on.
Why the fuck do I get the one with the dress? - Just put the fucking thing on! - For fuck's sakes.
Ahhhhh! As you can see, the Palliser Motel is on fire.
And now we can see three not-so-little bears trying to make a getaway.
Looks like Mama bear has some kind of revolver Get in the fucking car, Ricky! They're making their way to their vehicle.
We'll circle around and see where they're headed.
I'm Steve Rogers, your "Eye In The Sky".
- Let's go! - Don't want to break the law, now I get tangled up in this bullshit! Shut the fuck up and drive! Will you boys stop fighting, please! Well, fuck, Bubbles! Will you fuck off with you big helicopter? You're just showing the fuck off! Can't believe I got caught up in this.
What the fuck does he want? Sto-o-op! Stop, stop, stop! What the fuck do you want? We're kind of busy here, bud! Mr.
Lahey's in a tub full of liquor.
He's trying to drink himself to death.
You gotta save him, Julian! He'll only talk to you.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! If he kills himself, we're fucked! Go, Ricky! Go, go, go! Come on! I'm fucking driving as fast as I can.
Why are you guys dressed like three bears? It's a long fucking story, Randy! Just shut up! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck Fucka.