Two and a Half Men s09e16 Episode Script

Oh, God.
That feels so good.
Where'd you learn to do that? Chiropractic school? Long before that.
When I was a kid, I had to do this for my mom.
Had to? If I wanted dessert.
Oh, poor baby.
Tell you what, when you're done with my other foot, I'll give you a little dessert.
Thank you, Mommy.
Hey.
Hey! Oh, hey.
How was the opera? Magnificent.
Il Trovatore.
Walden cried.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Come on, a guy in a leotard and a skirt realizes he chopped his own brother's head off.
That's heartbreaking.
I keep trying to take Lyndsey to the opera, but she won't go.
I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours.
Well, opera's not for everyone.
To appreciate it requires a refined taste and a certain amount of education.
Whoa.
You did not just say that.
Say what? I am plenty refined, and I happen to have an Associate of Arts degree from Santa Monica Community College.
I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be pejorative.
What's that supposed to mean? Uh, pejorative is having a derogatory I know what the word means! Sorry, sorry.
What's community college? Is that like a sort of trade school? Let's leave it alone.
We've already seen one beheading tonight.
Where did you go to college? Oxford? Only for two years.
Aw, did you flunk out? No, I transferred to Harvard.
Harvard.
The Santa Monica Community College of the East.
What do you say we go get ready for bed? Yeah, good idea.
Mi chiamano Mimi Il perchè non so sola, mi fo.
I also took a semester off to study opera in Florence.
That's in Italy.
Wow.
That is one talented lady.
And by "talented" I mean annoying, and by "lady" I mean bitch.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Men.
"Fat people singing in a foreign language.
" Can you believe her? No.
It's unbelievable.
Maybe she'd be more appreciative of fat people singing in her native language.
No to Pavarotti, yes to Cee Lo Green.
Mm.
Forget you? Forget her.
And then she has the nerve to insult me simply 'cause I have a modicum of sophistication and good taste.
Mm, you do taste good.
I know what she thinks.
She thinks I'm snobbish and condescending.
Mm, but you're not.
No, I'm not.
It's a shame, really.
So much I could teach the poor girl.
It's her loss.
God knows what Alan sees in her.
Yeah, he could totally do better.
No, he couldn't; he's a complete loser.
What are you talking about? Um, you said Never mind.
"Refined taste.
" I'd like to punch her refined face in.
And you could; you hit hard.
You know what her problem is? She was born with all the advantages and now she thinks she's better than everyone else.
Like her poop doesn't stink.
Your poop stinks, honey.
Thank you.
Especially after Indian food.
That is a real working-class stank right there.
Boy, I am so turned on right now.
What could Walden possibly see in that, in that stuck-up English muffin? Maybe it's her nooks and crannies.
What? Uh, you know, English muffin.
Uh, nooks and crannies.
For the butter.
Or margarine, as the case may be.
Are you saying you like her body? Oh, no, no.
No, it's your body that I love.
You've got the stinky poop.
Be honest with me.
Have I not been entirely civil and charming to her? You have.
Then why does she give me that attitude? Who know? She's crazy.
Well, I wouldn't call her crazy; she's certainly unpleasant.
That's what I meant.
Unpleasant.
Are you humoring me just so I'll have sex with you? No.
I took you to the opera so you would have sex with me.
You're terrible.
I'm trying to be, but there's a lot of damn bows here.
Men.
Alan? Yeah? I'm sorry I ruined our night.
That's okay.
No, it's not.
Let me make it up to you.
Really? I get dessert? Oh, Walden! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
Do you know what she's doing? Well, I think I have a general idea.
She wants me to hear that.
Oh, my God! She's rubbing my nose in it.
Sounds more like she's rubbing his nose in it.
Oh, my God! Two can play at that game.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! What are you doing? Making love to you.
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! You want me to help? No, I got this.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Alan! Oh, Walden! Oh! Oh! Oh! Men.
Happy Valentine's Day, darling.
You, too, sweetheart.
Sounded like you and Zoey were getting an early start on your celebrating last night.
Oh, yeah.
You and Lyndsey were making quite a bit of a racket yourselves.
Oh, you heard that? It was kind of hard not to.
Well, you know how it is.
Uh, you and I are like the mailmen.
Rain or shine, we got to deliver the old package.
Handle with care.
Express delivery.
No, wait, let me think of another one.
This side up.
Oh.
That's good, that's good.
Oh, who am I kidding? Last night was a complete sham.
What do you mean? Zoey was trying to prove some kind of point to Lyndsey.
So, all that noise was, uh? I had nothing to do with it.
Sorry.
Well, since we're being honest, I should probably tell you I had what was probably the best sex of my life last night.
Good morning.
Huh? Oh, morning.
Sleep well? Terrific.
Good.
I was afraid we might have kept you awake.
Really? I was worried we might have kept you awake.
No, no, I slept like a baby.
Hope you didn't wet the bed.
They're laughing.
That's good, right? Not that laugh.
That's the bad laugh.
Shame it has to be raining on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, well, fortunately, the sun is shining in Cabo San Lucas.
Thanks for the weather report.
Now here's Alan with the sports.
I just meant that's where Walden and I are flying for dinner tonight.
Really? Good luck with LAX.
Place is gonna be a madhouse.
That may well be.
Luckily, Walden's got his private jet, so Of course he does.
Or they could fly down on her private broom.
What are you and Alan doing to celebrate? Oh, don't worry about us.
We have big plans.
Ooh.
Another festive foot rub? Bad laugh? As a matter of fact, we're gonna spend the night at a little bed-and-breakfast outside Santa Barbara where we're gonna drink wine, read poetry and have hot, kinky sex.
Right, Alan? Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, sure.
The, uh, the holy trinity of Valentine's Day: sips, sonnets and sodomy.
That's interesting.
I can see you as a drunken sodomite, never imagined you liking poetry.
Oh, no, no, I really do.
Here's a poem you might appreciate.
"Roses are red, "violets are blue, "I'm a nice person and you can bite my pale, unrefined ass.
" A lady doesn't bite.
Hmm.
She will however be happy to make you wear that ass as a bonnet.
What the hell? Oh, my Lord.
Where's the road? Probably inside that giant sinkhole.
It looks like nobody's going anywhere today.
Oh, smashing.
Swell.
Sodomy? Sodom-ish.
Men.
Men.
They say the road might be closed for another 48 hours.
And that's if the rain lets up.
Better call my ex-husband, let him know I probably won't be picking up Ava tomorrow.
Better call my son, tell him I'll be home early.
Early? I can't tell him the truth.
If he knows I could be gone for two days, I might not have a house when I get back.
Nice to have a relationship with your child built on trust.
Excuse me? I'm just saying, I never lie to my daughter.
Really? And how old is she? She's six.
Aw.
They're so precious at that age, aren't they? They are.
Call me in a few years when she's pierced and pregnant with a pocket full of 30-day chips.
There's no need to be crude.
Oh, so now I'm crude? Not just now.
That's it.
Get ready for an old-fashioned trade school beat-down.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Slow down.
Slow it down.
No! No! Little Miss Muffet's going to get knocked on her tuffet! Oh, bring it on, Snooki! Okay.
Okay.
No.
Baby, baby, no.
We're in a tough situation here.
But this is a big house, and we're all adults.
Yeah, some of us older than others.
Oh! Walden's right.
Walden's right.
We got to make the best of this.
You know, we can, uh uh, we can play video games, listen to music, watch movies.
We're all going to die.
Men.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to stay in the same house as that horrible wom.
Okay, first of all, the road's closed, so nobody's going anywhere.
And second of all, uh, she's not that horrible.
What did you say? I said, "The road's closed.
" After that.
"Nobody's going anywhere.
" Are you defending her? Oh, come on.
It's a funny situation when you think about it.
Two women who shouldn't be anywhere near each other trapped in a house 'cause of a silly rain storm.
That's a bad laugh.
Men.
Oh, great.
I just got my period.
Oh, joy.
My bloody Valentine.
I'm out of tampons.
You have to go get me some.
What? Have you looked outside? Yeah.
It's raining.
This is not rain.
This is some sort of biblical punishment.
There's only one flood you need to be concerned about.
Why don't you just ask Zoey for one? Why don't I take that light off your head and give you a quick colonoscopy? At least now we know why you're in such a bad mood.
What did you just say? I said I'm going to the drugstore to buy you tampons.
You're so pretty.
Hey.
Hi.
Where you going? I am going to swim down to the drugstore and bob for tampons.
Really? In-in this weather? What, are you out of your mind Walden! I'll come with you.
Men.
Looks like it's starting to let up.
Yeah, this is blowing over.
It's actually kind of refreshing.
And we certainly need the water.
It's weird how people in L.
A.
make such a big fuss over a little rain.
That's the new Smart car.
Doesn't look so smart now.
Men.
Ah.
Hi.
Hi.
Do you happen to know where Walden is? I happen to not.
All right.
Well, where's Alan? He went for a walk.
A walk? Yeah, a walk.
That's how poor people get from one place to another.
All right.
Mind if I share your wine? I don't know if you'll like it.
It's domestic.
Alan bought it.
Actually, I quite like California wine.
It's from Wisconsin.
Ah.
Well, desperate times.
Shame our girlfriends don't get along, huh? Yeah, if they don't start playing nice with each other, you're going to have to find a new place to live.
No doubt.
Or I could find another girlfriend.
Men.
Well, cheers.
Cheers.
For the record, I like Walden very much.
He seems like a great guy.
Well, thank you.
Alan's Thank you.
So what's your plan for the young, gorgeous billionaire? I'm sorry.
Plan? Oh, come on.
Educated girl like you? You got to have a plan to nail him down.
I don't.
My feelings for Walden are genuine.
I have no desire to manipulate him into some sort of commitment.
Huh.
But if I did, what sort of plan do you think might work? Well, first thing I'd do is throw out my diaphragm.
I'm on the pill.
All right.
Swap out those puppies for Tic Tacs.
You know, it's actually good that Lyndsey sent me to the drugstore.
'Cause now I can pick up her Valentine's Day gift.
Nice! Yeah, nothing says "I love you" like Q-tips and stool softener.
I-I was thinking of something more Alan! Tell Jake I love him! And buy Lyndsey tampons! Men.
Men.
So, anyway, then we got married and had my son, Eldridge.
How long after? Actually, my water broke during the ceremony.
Really put a crimp in the reception.
Tell me about your ex.
Nigel.
Oh, God, how can I describe Nigel? Highly educated, extremely cultured, and as you Americans might say "a total freakin' douche bag.
" Really? My ex-husband is, as you Brits might say "a right bloody wanker.
" Looks like we both traded up, huh? Yes, absolutely.
Cheers to us.
Mmm.
This is turning out to be a pretty nice Valentine's Day.
It is, isn't it? Thanks for the tampon, by the way.
Oh, pleasure.
Appears our cycles have synched up.
Yeah.
Probably why we haven't seen the boys for a while.
We have been a bit out of sorts.
Mmm.
Edgy.
Moody.
Bitchy.
Bitchy.
Oh, I do hope our fellows are all right.
I'm sure they're fine.
Yeah.
Let me go! Save yourself! No! If you go, I go! Hey, Lyndsey.
Yeah, we haven't gotten to the drugstore yet.
We're in a little bit of a situation here.
All right.
What kind of ice cream? Seriously, let me go.