Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) Episode Scripts

Kimmy Steps on a Crack!

1 Ugh, come on, Kimmy.
You know it's okay to step on cracks.
Just because something rhymes doesn't mean it's true, 'cause I've definitely smelt what I know Titus dealt.
It's silly, like thinking every van I see is gonna kidnap me.
- Get in the van, Kimmy.
- Never! - Ms.
Schmidt.
- It is clobbering time! No! Ms.
Schmidt FBI.
We need your help.
Oh, Christmas.
I am so sorry.
Are you okay, Agent Yermuther? I think she broke my back.
I broke Yermuther's back.
Easy.
- Easy, easy.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Lillian.
I need you, Lillian.
Lillian! Oh, well, I see you finally found the trash-picked baby monitor I hid in here to listen to you and Kimmy.
And, God, you two are boring.
When are you gonna do it already? I have a cold, and Kimmy went to get me medicine, and she's not back, and I hate her.
Well, you know how she gets when she goes to the drugstore.
She starts giggling at the diarrhea medicine, and then the giggling gives her diarrhea.
It's a whole thing.
Hey, whatever you got looks like worse than a cold.
What's this rash? I was hoping it was just some jelly, despite several taste tests indicating it is not.
And these bruises.
Bumps too.
You got it all.
I'm not supposed to die this way.
A fortune teller told me she was going to kill me if I didn't pay her, which I still have not done.
Let's find a computer.
Okay, here we go.
Uh, rash Bumps.
What else? Six-four, triathlete, doctor.
Everyone lies online, Lillian.
Hmm.
Ooh, fever, swollen joints.
Oh, 'cause you're perfect.
Snake hair, never has stamps, is white.
Holy diagnosis, black man.
It says you have scurvy.
Scurvy? What is it? It's an old pirate's disease that comes from not eating - enough fruits and vegetables.
- Sex with riverboat captains? Fruits and vegetables? That sounds like a whole wing in a 1950s insane asylum.
Right? Wordplay.
Still got it, maybe now more than ever? Oh, God! Help me, Lillian! Schmidt, I believe you know this woman.
Gretchen? Yesterday we received some intelligence about the church Ms.
Chalker is running out of a compound in rural Pennsylvania.
Rural Pennsylvania? I hope I'm dressed okay.
Can we stop by whatever a Century 21 is in Pennsylvania? That would be a Boscov's, ma'am.
I can't get into specifics, but we have reason to believe that Chalker is dangerous.
What do you want me to do? Maybe someone she knows can help talk her out.
Cyndee Pokorny and Donna Maria Nuñez already tried, but they were just terrible.
Gretchen, don't do anything you're gonna regret! Like how bangs always seem like a good idea, but then you get home, and then You know what? I'm gonna get bangs.
Only local media? Are you serious? I didn't come all the way out here to promote my appearance on Shark Tank Español to the Amish! I'll do what I can.
To be honest, this may be a little bit my fault.
Ms.
Chalker mentioned that.
She also mentioned that you stole her boyfriend.
I didn't steal him.
He was made of cans, and I had the magnet.
Oh, you caught me mid-laugh.
Jacqueline.
I want to steal your youth.
Oh Breathe into my mouth.
Oh! Ohh! I can see Russ finally got around to buying you a wedding band.
Actually, the doctors took this out of him.
I think it was part of the car.
Could I tempt either of you with a bourbon? Oh, I don't know.
Are we raging alcoholics? It affects our lives! Jacqueline, you're a good woman.
No offense.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah So how long are you in town? We got to blimp back to D.
C.
after the engagement party.
Oh, I don't want to embarrass myself at the luncheon.
Which Mara sister is Flash marrying again, Kate or Rooney? Oh, no, he wasn't that lucky.
He got the third one, Mara Mara.
"Mara" is the only word she can say.
It's kind of a Hodor situation.
But it's great for the families.
We own the Redskins.
They own the Giants.
Papa John is gonna officiate.
They're registered at Modell's, FYI.
Oh, one simply has to go to Mo's.
Jacqueline, we are so glad that you're part of the family now and that you'll be joining us this afternoon.
Just don't make eye contact with Mara.
She sees it as a sign of aggression.
We want to be sure that you know - that even though Russ is smooshed - Mm.
you'll be taken care of.
You'll have access to his trust fund, to his Yankee Candle loyalty account, and to the family Jet magazine subscription.
Well, thank you, but all I really want is my Russ back.
Whoa.
Did Vin Diesel just walk in here? Because that was some great acting.
You don't have to pretend with us.
The only reason anyone would marry Russ is because he's rich.
I mean, even our wives are in it for the money, and we're handsome.
If he wasn't my son, perhaps I'd be dating him.
The other day my wife spent a million dollars on a painting.
Why? We have photography now.
Well, at least your wife is still hot.
I know.
Mom's a dog now.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
Yeah, well We'll see you later at the Maras'.
Oh, oh, as you approach the house, rattle a can of change or something just in case Mara Mara's in the bushes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Well, thank you for stopping in.
You have a few hours before the party.
Maybe you can see Russ at the hospital.
Whoa-oh-oh No, Dad and I are gonna have tea at the American Boy store.
Speaking of Russ, did he leave anything here? Just some luggage.
And all my pillows are stained with his nightmare sweat.
Why? It's just every time there's a family gathering, we always have Meemaw's famous corn pudding.
And after Meemaw died, I think Russ ended up with the recipe.
Anyway, I know it's a shot in the dark, but That's how Meemaw died.
But it's on her.
She knew we were night hunting.
If you find the recipe, let us know.
It'd be great to carry on the tradition at the party.
Of course.
You know I'd do anything for the Snyders.
- Okay.
- Come on, Pop.
Oh, God.
How do I have a vitamin C deficiency? I've been taking a supplement for years.
Are these just buttons? Here we go.
A salad.
Stouffer's French Bread Salad.
The only ingredient is "chunks.
" Of what? Hey, they got oranges here.
Oh, no, these are just a bunch of Garfield heads.
Is it weird that we have to buy our food from a place that also sells Jason masks and loose hamsters? What? No.
Hey, mister, listen, I want to order some fresh fruit.
No new orders.
We're going out of business.
Take a feral bodega cat.
Out of business? Why? Bastard! Now my teeth are wiggly, Lillian.
And you know the Tooth Fairy won't come to this neighborhood ever since I cheated on him.
Gretchen, it's Kimmy Schmidt.
Can I come in? I'm unarmed, except for the arms I was born with, and I'm not wearing a wire, except in my bra, 'cause I need the support.
But that's my business! Okay! But don't try anything funny! I wish she hadn't said that.
Now all I want to do is funny stuff like go down these stairs.
Ma'am, that bit doesn't work without some kind of partition.
What do you want, Kimmy? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Yeah, what's going on? The FBI is out there, and they have guns, and there's a dog with a badge.
Why didn't I pet him? I was right there.
He looked at me.
What's going on? Oh! I'm just doing what you told me to do.
Okay, I get that you want to blame me, but I didn't tell you to do this.
Oh, really? Then what redheaded snake offered me this apple? "You don't need a man.
You can do a cult all by yourself.
" That's your snake voice? Guess you don't meet a lot of snakes.
"It's 2016.
Women can run cults.
" Wrong and wrong, Kimmy! 'Cause they can't, and, also, it's 2017 now.
Well, it was 2016 when I said it.
This doesn't work in reverse.
I did everything the men do.
I got a compound.
I wrote my scripture.
I got a bunch of child husbands.
You got child hus-whats? Oh, you're such a tool! No! Not that! That! Gretchen, your lamp broke, on its own.
I saw you, Jasper! Wait.
Where's all the firewood? We're building a ramp! Yeah! Oh, my God, that's gross! So gross! I never told you to kidnap a bunch of boys.
Do you, like, do stuff with them? Ugh! Why would I want to be with a bunch of skinny virgins who lie about showering? I didn't lie.
I-I showered.
- You didn't! - I can smell you from here.
See? This doesn't work in reverse.
Uh, when's lunch? I spend 80% of my day making sandwiches, because lizard god forbid they learn how to put peanut butter on bread.
Okay, I remember us making our own beans.
It's easier if I just do it.
Is there something educational you two want to watch? The orca are highly social animals And no screens until you finish your drawings of Jeebus and Gorp.
That should be a fun assignment.
- Fine! - Whatever.
including clicks, whistles, and Gretchen, you don't seem very happy.
Oh, I'm supposed to be happy now, too? I don't even know what that means anymore.
I'm just saying this isn't working.
You're miserable.
Why don't you just go out there and surrender? You mean give up? No.
Cults is the only thing I've ever cared about, and I'm not gonna let this be a failure, 'cause I'm gonna do one thing right.
I'm gonna finish it like a man.
Oh, my gosh! No, Gretchen.
Someone could really get hurt.
Yeah, that's the plan.
I'm the one that called the FBI, and I'm gonna go down in flames.
Hey, I need $200.
It's for a sword.
Death is the eternal sleep, Kimmy, and Mommy needs a nap.
Oh, Russ's prescription luggage Boy, someone was worried about Africa not having any mayonnaise.
"Meemaw's secret corn pudding recipe.
" What am I supposed to do with this, Russ? I mean, obviously, you don't want Duke to have it.
Oh, God, you are so lucky you don't have to deal with this stuff.
I said I'd do anything to make your family happy, and giving them the recipe could earn us some goodwill that we can use later on, but that would mean betraying you.
There's got to be a way I can have my cake and eat it, too.
But, is that the expression? I don't really eat cake.
Although I did sit on one once for Richard Branson.
How can I give them the corn pudding without giving them the recipe? Oh, God, I'm going to have to cook.
The bonobo, genetically our closest relative Oh, my gosh.
Are you serious, Gretchen? You want them to come in here and blow you up? I'm not letting the first female cult leader Do we have any batteries? Me and Zach found a bees' nest in the attic we want to throw them at.
In a second! I'm not letting the first female cult leader ever Hey, where's my sweatshirt? - Maybe look in the laundry! - The interrupting needs to stop.
I'm not going down in history as a joke, like how everybody laughed at Florence Allen, the first female judge, and no one laughed at Trixie Monroe, the first female clown.
This isn't about you being a woman, Gretchen.
Women can do anything a man can do, even pee standing up.
Sure, it makes a mess, but that's the cleaning lady's problem.
And guess what.
She's a man.
Oh, really? If it's not about me being a woman, then how come this is the only kind of news coverage I get? Turns out, I didn't wear it better than "Sulangee Kuhnowless," Kimmy.
I didn't wear it better at all.
And not a word about my beliefs.
The only place that published anything from my scripture is The New Yorker, and that was a misunderstanding.
I wasn't trying to enter the caption contest.
So what choice do I have now? I got to blow it all up.
I mean, if I weren't a woman Ever think that maybe the problem isn't that you're a woman? Maybe the problem is that you're a Gretchen.
You mean tall, hot, and ignoring my Lyme disease? I mean this is a mess 'cause you made it a mess.
Oh, of course! Kimmy thinks she could do it better than me.
I know I could.
Then go in there and get them to stop masturbating so much.
I don't want to do that.
You think you're so tough, but I'm the one with the balls to kapowee this place.
I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory like all the greats Koresh, Jones, Knievel.
- The drawstring went inside again.
- What happened to the knot? Get a safety pin and deal with it, Jasper! That's it! I'm gonna build a bomb.
Give me ten minutes.
Ten minutes.
Sure, I'll just Look, elephants! The elephant is surprisingly sneaky.
They can communicate using infrasound.
Voice mail again.
Oh, unbelievable, that Kimmy just walks off and leaves me with a sick Titus.
Oh, Lord.
My rash is tasting more and more like jelly, which can't be a good sign.
I'm being punished for what I did on that cruise.
I ate uh, nobody.
What? Ugh, it's the scurvy talking.
Back to Titus.
I wish that fancy grocery store would open already.
You shut your mouth! And not just to keep your teeth from falling out! There's nothing that yuppie feeding trough has that we can't get right here in our neighborhood like grass.
You know, during the Potato Famine, the Irish ate grass.
No, Lillian, if I'm gonna be white, don't make me be Irish.
That's the worst one.
Ohh Hey! That tree has fruit in it.
What'd I tell you? We got everything we need right here.
That's not a tree, Lillian.
That's a cell phone tower.
Then what's that stuff that looks like fruit? Rat babies! "Beat three eggs.
" At what? Help me, Meemaw.
Oh, Meemaw Meemaw We're hungry for your dish It's mostly corn I need Your food I need Your food I need Your food Or stuff Ah, I did it.
Oh, God! The gas is on on every one of these burners.
Well, that certainly explains It's your last chance, Chalker! Don't come in quite yet.
I'm just building a a, um, pie.
And I just need to add the diesel crust.
She's insane.
Who does the crust last? And if she's just putting a crust on top, that's a crumble.
Execute.
Take her down.
Copy.
Moving to breach.
Sir, uh, Chalker is crying.
Stand down! All teams, fall back.
Fall back, fall back! I knew this was gonna happen.
You do one thing, they start crying.
Now what? Whatever you do, don't tell her to calm down.
Whew.
I think she's just crying because of the tear gas.
Oh, you want to explain to her why she's crying? Good luck with that.
Gretchen, honey, we're sorry.
We'll never do uh, what we did wrong ever again.
Have you lost weight? Everyone thinks so.
Send in a saucy gay friend for her to get real with.
Go, go, go.
Let it out, girl! What? No! Gretchen is dangerous.
She's got kids in there.
You can't treat her different just 'cause she's a woman.
Oh.
I'm going back in.
I'm getting too old for my bed full of stuffed animals.
Ew.
The inside's all wet.
Look at these people.
They think their pits don't stink just 'cause their beef was raised on a farm instead of being raccoon.
Lillian Kaushtupper.
No.
I am Dr.
Vanessa Poseidon.
I know it's you, Lillian.
I recognize your perfume.
Aha! I don't wear perfume.
That smell just happens.
Titus.
Charmed, you're sure.
Artie Goodman.
We met on the phone.
And what are you even doing here, Goodman? You got, like, 200 of these dumps.
And an Etsy shop, where I put googly eyes on trash.
But I visit my stores all the time.
I'm very hands-on.
Gene, how's the girlfriend? Just don't let the wife find out about her, am I right? He's a terrible person.
So what brings you two here, besides the obvious shoplifting? That's profiling.
Just 'cause my clothes aren't as nice as some of these other people doesn't mean I'm a thief.
That does.
Titus, are you okay? No.
I got scurvy.
And my Kimmy left, and we used to get Channel 6, but now we don't.
Scurvy? Like a British seaman? Like a British seaman.
Artie, I'm so tired.
Titus needed fresh fruit, and we couldn't find any in our neighborhood, okay? So you happy? No, that's why I want to open a store there.
East Dogmouth is what's known as a food desert.
No access to fruits or vegetables or eggs that come from birds.
Meanwhile, this neighborhood is knee-deep in poosi a Thai fruit with five times the nutrients of a banana.
Yeah, the rich get richer, but in East Dogmouth, we can't get decent medical care, and our public transportation stinks, and our T-shirts have all the wrong Super Bowl winners.
So you agree, your neighborhood deserves better, which is why you should want one of my stores.
What? No.
Which is why you should want one of my stores.
Run, Lillian! I need to bathroom.
There's little Flash.
And there's Mara! I wonder what shiny thing she's off to snatch there.
Did someone order a hot dish? Well, she's here, and she brought corn pudding.
Jacqueline, I don't know what looks more delicious, you or that pan of hot corn.
You're my favorite daughter-in-law now.
You're gonna have to get braces again.
Oh, Meemaw and Russ.
So that is what she looks like.
All right, let's eat.
So you found it.
The recipe.
And it came out great, right? I'll make it for you anytime you want.
No, the only Korn I like is the band that played at my wedding.
I just want the recipe.
Why? Because tradition.
And proper penmanship is a lost art, like drunk driving.
I just want it, okay? I want it because Russ has it.
How could Meemaw give it to him instead of me? How could anyone give anything to him instead of me? He's a loser, Jacqueline.
I mean, I'm sorry, but has he ever beaten you at sex? Hmm? I win every time.
I'm the fastest.
But if Meemaw loved Russ more than me, what does that make me, hmm? Worse than Russ? So, like two Russes? I'm sorry, Duke, but I can't give you the recipe, even if it means you hate me, even if the whole family turns its back on me so I'm just looking at butts.
I won't betray Russ.
You actually love my brother? You're not just a gold digger? That means Russ has two things I don't the recipe and a real marriage with someone who loves him.
I don't even know what that's like.
Hey.
I'm sure your wife is with you for more than just your money.
I mean, you've got boats.
And you know a lot about watches.
It's like I'm talking, but she's not listening.
Gretchen, we have to talk.
This must be Kimmy.
Look, you were right.
That cats are just baby dogs? That this didn't work out because you're a woman, because the world won't let you do it like a man.
See, it's not your fault that boys don't learn how to cook or that people are obsessed with how women look.
I mean, have you seen what they did to Strawberry Shortcake? More like Slutberry Slutskank.
And it's not your fault the FBI won't come in here because they saw you crying.
Because of the tear gas.
That's what I said! See, this was never gonna go how you wanted it to.
Well, I'm not giving up.
I've still got a bomb.
But getting 'sploded is giving up.
It was invented by men to avoid dealing with stuff.
Not giving up is the elephant matriarch, leading her herd of bulls and calves miles across the baking Serengeti.
Not giving up is the female orca, whose matrilineal society relies on older females to guide the pod to their traditional feeding grounds.
Or consider the bonobo, genetically our closest cousin.
A troop of bonobos is led by a veritable gynocracy.
The alpha female surrounds herself with a pack of loyal sisters for hunting, defense, and invariably pleasure.
How do you know all that? I don't know.
that in the wilds of every continent, females are strong as hell.
I'm Fitzgibbons Munrunney.
But my point is, you can't run a cult like a man.
You have to run it like a female bonobo or orca or elephant.
Gretchen, you have to be a "bonorcaphant.
" Kimmy, that's the only thing you've ever said that makes any sense.
So don't give up.
Get out there and face the consequences.
Like a woman.
My next cult is gonna be all women.
It's gonna be so quiet.
Hey, is Gretchen out there? We, uh, Krazy-Glued our wieners together.
Nice to see you again, Kimmy.
Titus has been sitting here for quite some time.
I'm sorry.
Something came up.
He was pretty sick.
And scared.
You know what? A male Kimmy wouldn't be treated this way.
You'd all be like, "Ooh, look at what a great male Kimmy that is, picking up his Titus.
" Let's go home, buddy.
I stole wine.
No, see, that's what I'm saying.
There wouldn't be any pimps.
The "bonorcaphant" protects us from men.
Oh Now, I like the orca part, 'cause once, I stabbed my boss at SeaWorld.
Thank you for sharing that, Black Cindy.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Gretchen.
Nice Bieber cut.
Elaine, you've been quiet.
The Yakuza cut out my tongue.
I am loving this.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!