Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

Kimmy Goes to College!

1 - [Kimmy] Say, "Cheese!" - [camera shutter clicks] Paparazzo! Don't you know taking a picture of a gay man unannounced is a hate crime? Oh, I look cute.
J'excused.
Is that my phone? Get your thumbs off it.
I don't know where you bowl.
I'm signing you up for TaskRabbit.
Task rabbit? You know I'm afraid of both those things.
It's part of the dot-com boom.
You sign up, and people pay you to do stuff for them.
I found it on accident while searching the Internet for pictures of bunnies doing jobs.
So many porns! - I make my own green.
- That's not gonna work.
It will once I get better at drawing ears! Look, I signed up yesterday, and I've been raking in cash.
And leaves! It's all going in my college fund.
Give me that.
Moving things? Standing in line? Delivering food without eating it? Are these people Crank Yankers? [whimpers] Ooh, here's one you'll like.
This guy wants someone to come to his apartment and sing for him.
What if he's a murderer? Put in $100 an hour.
No murderer can afford that.
Except Hannibal Lecter.
He has a thriving psychiatry practice.
- [door slams] - Politics is the worst! How bad is it? It's so bad, I can't accomplish any of my goals.
[laughing] I haven't been able to stop anything.
The whole board is against me.
I know it sounds paranoid, but Who said that? You should get TaskRabbit on your phone.
That way, you can hire me, and I can do politics for you.
Mm-mm, I'm not into the whole "sharing economy.
" If a stranger comes into my home and wants to go through my stuff, what right do I have to know who they are? So, how about instead, anytime I need you, I just call, and you do it for free? You know, like an Olympic athlete.
Do I get a medal? Who cares? Just getting to the Olympics makes me a winner.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
- [cell phone chimes] - [gasps] Oh, my gosh, Titus.
The murderer or a regular guy accepted your bid.
All right, then, I guess this is goodbye forever.
I'd like to be buried with as many of my things as possible.
[cell phone chimes] I got a task too.
A rabbit's work is never done.
Hippity, hoppity.
Hippity, hoppity.
Hippity, hoppity.
[door closes] You know, one of us should really fix that carbon monoxide leak.
So do it already! Ugh! [upbeat music] [Bankston] Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[singers] Damn it My commitment to bringing people good food at a fair price started in 1978, when, like most Americans, I got caught up in the Carter-era peanut craze and opened a peanut stand.
Under Reagan, most of them got replaced by jellybean stands and then just became gun shops.
But I diversified and now own more than 200 Big Naturals grocery stores nationwide.
And I'm here today because I want to open the newest and largest Big Naturals right here in East Dogmouth.
Thank you.
Boooo! The chair reluctantly recognizes Lillian Kaushtupper.
Mr.
Goodman, we already have a Big Naturals here in East Dogmouth.
It's not a supermarket, but they do serve wings.
And it's not bad if you don't mind the occasional wig hair.
You're referring to the local gentlemen's club Jug shack! And we will provide a free shuttle bus for any confused perverts who wind up in the wrong Big Naturals.
I am sick and tired of you rich pricks coming in here telling us what we need.
Where are you even from, sir? Russia? Saudi Arabia? Boston? Actually, Ms.
Kaushtupper, I grew up near here in North Dogsnout.
So you're worse than a rich prick.
- You're a traitor! - [Artie laughs] Okay.
I just want to turn a condemned chicken slaughterhouse into a grocery store.
And I will be working with a community liaison A "community liaison" who'll just happen to be one of your cronies.
As someone who sponsors a 1K for Crohn's disease, I take offense at your using that word.
Ms.
Kaushtupper, are you finished? Ha! I'm just gettin' started! Filibuster! [rock and roll music playing] You're crazy 'bout love And I'm crazy 'bout love myself Your task rabbit has arrived.
Well, you're crazy 'bout love And I'm crazy 'bout love myself When I'm with you, baby Can't think about nothing else Well, here I am.
The famous Donna.
You guys were probably starting to think I was made up.
[chuckles] Sorry I missed every holiday for the last ten years, but, you know the Canadian Army! I got to watch myself These boys are getting Out of hand I got to watch myself These boys are getting Out of hand [cell phone chimes] Looks like Paige wants me to assemble something [gasps] at Columbia University? This place is awesome! The Columbia House band? Get to work on those tapes, guys! I can't wait to see what you send me next! Move, move [quirky music] Paige, your task rabbit has arrived.
Oh, my God.
Is this a joke? No, but this is.
Knock, knock - [door slams] - Knock, knock.
I couldn't hear you say, "Who's there?" so I'm just gonna go ahead and say, "Banana.
" [bell rings] Oh, good.
The talent's here.
Is he behind me? Does he have a knife? No.
You're Titus, right? You're the talent.
Yes! I am.
It's just that I've only been called "the talent" once before.
It was in a dream, and that sexy mouse was being very sarcastic.
[sighs] Well, I'm Gordy.
Really excited you could come in.
Just need to lay down some backup vocals on a few tracks.
Can I get you anything, a tea or a water? I'll have a water, two sugars.
[Titus] I feel like a real professional here not like those freeloading Olympic athletes.
So, um, these are all original songs.
They're my babies.
You mean they stole your youth and made you boring? No, they're precious, and it's scary putting them out there.
But I look at the world, and I know it needs to change.
And I think the way to do that is through music.
Mm, music is very powerful.
Like that Kars4Kids commercial.
- Uh-huh.
- Before I saw that commercial, I wanted to donate a car to kids.
But that song changed my mind.
Well, I've already recorded all the instrumental tracks and the lead vocals, so I'm gonna play it all back in the cans, and you come in on backup.
I'll just do some vocal exercises I learned on a gig years ago.
Welcome to the singing laundromat We are not responsible for theft All right, Titus, you good to go? Like a middle-aged lady sitting on a dryer at a singing laundromat! Okay.
Israel! Israel is behind it all Every Jew got an e-mail that mornin' Fantastic.
Moving on.
Gordy's got some opinions.
[exhales sharply] Mm! Milk has an expiration date We should do that with the elderly What, Xan, are you afraid I'm gonna embarrass you in front of your cool new friends? Well, I think you've forgotten I can [robotically] break it down.
Well, you don't need to swear To have a fun rap You know What are you doing here? I was hired by someone named Paige to put some furniture together.
Paige is one of my roommates.
She's not here right now, thank God.
The thing she wants you to put together is over there.
Oh, so your roommate's into catapulting, huh? - Cool.
- That's a rowing machine, you freak.
My roommates are on the crew team, so they're all big and strong and good friends with each other, which is awesome for me.
I bet.
This place is all that and a bag of chips? You know, Xan, I'm applying here.
[scoffs and laughs] Wait, seriously? You know it's, like, really hard to get in, right? And you're the dumbest person I've ever met.
True, true.
Hey, what's that under there? Are you trying to get me to say "underwear"? - Not anymore.
- [knock at door] - [Sheryl] Hey.
- We don't know each other.
- I'm a stranger.
Xan who? - [sighs] You guys, I'm your RA.
I'm not your mom.
And I'm 100% sex-positive.
And anonymous sexual encounters are an important strand in your sexual tapestry.
Just never reuse a dental dam or flip it over and use the other side.
Also, uh, we're gonna do a screening of Shrek 3 tonight in the student lounge.
- All right.
- [taps counter] Okay, get to it, girls.
[sighs heavily] I think she bought it.
What's a Shrek? What? No, I don't care about Sheryl.
I don't want my roommates seeing my stupid former nanny.
Everybody already hates me here.
They think I'm some rich brat who got in 'cause of her money.
[Kimmy] How do they know you're rich? Not to embarrass you, but your jeans are torn.
You didn't notice this building has my name on it? Voorhees Hall is you! I thought it was named after the guy from that song.
Voorhees a jolly good pillow Voorhees a jolly good pillow [Xan] I don't understand this place.
Like, in high school, being rich was cool.
But here I'm like you.
[laughter] 'Sup, Your Majesty? Just polishing my crown.
- [giggling] - Who's your friend? Her? She's not my friend.
[Jersey accent] Yeah, I'm a I'm Tony Ravioli, youse tax rabbit! Okay, Tony, why don't you do less talking and focus on your job? [Paige] Wow.
Uh, I'm sure you're used to talking to the help that way, Xan, but don't impose your classism on this transgendered handyperson's experience.
That's messed up.
Hey, forget about that.
[Xan sighs] Oh, hey, um, there's, like, a movie in the lounge later.
Could be fun.
Oh, we already have some pretty epic plans tonight.
- We're gonna throw it down! - [laughter] - Not stopping till we puke.
- Nope.
Cool, cool.
Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing tonight.
Well uh, we should get ready.
- Yeah.
- Nice meeting you, Tony.
[Kimmy] Likewise.
Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi! Hillary was there Love it, Titus.
Did I pop the P in "Hillary murdered Nicole Brown Simpson"? - Nope, sounded good in here.
- [relieved sigh] I am enjoying this collaboration.
A lot of people get upset when I lay my truth on them, because the government is controlling their brains with cell phone towers.
But you and me are smart.
We replaced all our teeth.
Yeah, no.
I just do not care about politics, Gordy.
I'm a honey badger from way back.
The world can fight its wars, do its hashtag protests, and I will still be a tired gay black man living in a sideways tugboat.
At least today I'm getting paid.
[clears throat] Fluoride! Fluoride Makes children gay The Supreme Court Wears robes to hide Their octopus bodies The CIA invented AIDS To sell quilts Ah, so you see, not as many Chins as some people would have you believe.
Ms.
Kaushtupper, if you're trying to get me to give up, it's not gonna happen.
I can put up with anything.
I regularly judge a student film competition.
Yeah, well, I'm not giving up either.
I got a lot more to say and to sing! These are the things That I see in the room A chair and a guy And a chair and a broom And a chair and a chair And a chair and a Kimmy! Your task rabbit has arrived.
Oh, did I not mention that I ordered pizza for everyone? The gluten-free Hawaiian is mine, by the way.
That's a stupid pizza.
And you played right into my hands, 'cause I am allowed to field questions from my constituents, and that's Kimmy.
Go ahead, dear.
Ask me some softball questions.
Okay, it's the bottom of the seventh.
You're pitching, and your best friend is on third, but her parents are getting a divorce Oh, I knew it as soon as I said it.
- [grunts] - [cell phone chimes] - Sorry, Lillian, duty calls.
- [exhales] And even though I just said "doody," I'm not laughing.
Uh, these are some things I don't see in the room A Sasquatch and a tree And an ancient tomb Also former president Barack Jewsain Obama He's a Muslim Jew! - I put some stank on that one.
- Yeah, you did.
Look, Titus, you've sung backup for me on over 40 albums today.
How would you like to sing lead? Lead? I haven't sung lead vocals since Luther Vandross passed out at that concert and I ran onstage pretending to be a doctor.
Well, there's this one song that's really special to me.
I just don't have the range for it.
- But you do.
- [gasps softly] - I can't believe this is happening.
- Well, it is.
Unlike the moon landing, the Kennedy assassination, or the rejection letters I got for my screenplay, this is real.
This song this is me, man.
Everything I believe in is right here in magenta and white.
The black cartridge ran out, and I'm no longer welcome at Office Max.
[ominous music] [softly] He's a monster! [muffled cheering] Oh, my God, you bought it! You actually did a non-lame thing.
Hold your horses, Xan.
Hold them tight.
- Cherish them.
- What? I don't know.
I haven't eaten today.
Look, I get that you want to look cool in front of your roommates, so you asked your fleeky older friend to buy you beer.
And I want to help, but I can't buy you alcohol.
So I got you a six-pack of lemonade.
Ugh, you moron.
This is hard lemonade.
It's even more alcoholic than beer.
- What? - [women] Go, go, go, go! But the mascot's a lemon on a surfboard.
How is that not for kids? Who's ready to party? [woman] Go, go, go, go! [exhales] Seriously, Xan? You can't have that here! But the party you said that you were gonna puke tonight.
Yeah, because we're going so hard on the erg.
Why would we want to get drunk? We have practice at five a.
m.
[Grace] I know the rules don't apply to you, Xan, but maybe check your privilege for once.
Oh, hey, Tony, what's up? [silly voice] Oh, hi, guys.
I left my tools at the [sighs] No.
You know what? And this isn't just because I forgot the accent.
I'm not Tony Ravioli.
My name is Kimmy Schmidt.
I'm here because Xan is my friend.
And sure, she's rich so rich, she once used a helicopter to dry out some pants she peed in.
Oh, my God, Kimmy! [Kimmy] Look, I never went to college, but aren't we all privileged in one way or another? Xan's rich.
You guys are tall.
I'm the only girl who goes to my barber.
So maybe we're not so different.
And if you just gave her a chance, you'd see that Xan really is all that and Oh, no, the chips are gone.
[chuckles] Well, this is what we're doing tonight, so if Xan wants to get on the erg, she's more than welcome to.
Yeah, I'm good.
What's wrong, sweetie? Is it your pants? Do you need me to call you a helicopter? Hey, come on, Xan.
I mean, watch me.
This is fun! If you use your imagination, it's like you're rowing a boat! That's what crew is! She's, like, crazy fast.
No offense to the mentally ill or the physically not fast.
I like this! [together] Go, Tony! Go, Tony! I mean, Kimmy! Go, Kimmy! Go, Kimmy! Go, Kimmy! Go, Kimmy! Go, Kimmy! Go A cat with eight heads A toaster that understands love A cat with eight butts A sequined lobster glove These are some things I never seen in a room - [head smacks] - Ugh! Run, Lillian! Lady, you're gonna pass out and break a hip.
And believe me, it's not fun.
Every time I go through a metal detector, it's a whole thing.
I got to get patted down by the guy, and I say, "Buy me, uh, dinner first.
" One time, he did.
Very awkward.
Well, listen, I need a little pick-me-up.
The bucket is here if you need it.
Oh, no, thanks.
I went earlier.
How are you so good at this? [upbeat music] Boy, Gretchen, cranking sure is easier now that we have a TV.
[gasps] That show is sinful, Sister Kimmy.
Monica and Ross are brother and sister, but you can tell that he knows her as a husband.
Filthy! Filthy! - Aww, a monkey.
- [both laughing] Ooh! [giggling] Um, just for regular reasons.
[cell phone rings] Oh.
Aloha, Lillian.
The hello kind.
Don't hang up! [stammering] I have a Lillian task for you.
Go to the deli and get me some tea.
The stronger, the better.
Well, then I have a task for you.
Get ready to drink some tea.
Hey! Don't tell me what to do! Sorry, guys.
Got to run.
Someone take over the crank so the world doesn't end.
[upbeat music] Using a toilet is how corporations collect our DNA.
So just go anywhere out here.
Thank you, Gordy.
That makes sense.
And that's when I knew that Jodie Foster was gay, because that would've really impressed me.
You're losing the thread here, Kaushtupper.
That started as a story about streaking The Robin Byrd Show.
What's the point? - [cell phone ringing] - Mm! Ah! Titus.
Ah, you're in for it now, Goodman.
If I get this guy going on one of his rants, we'll be here all night.
You know what I love, Titus? Zoos! [Titus sighs] Don't get me started.
If I wanted to see a bunch of naked animals, I'd watch The Robin Byrd Show and I don't have time for this.
Lillian, I need your advice.
Just so you know, you're on speakerphone.
Artie Goodman here.
[Titus] Now I want to do a rant about speakerphones.
Tell me about it.
You ever try to do a conference call on speaker? Sir, you should be able to tell that I have not.
Lillian, I'm calling you because I know Kimmy would not give me the answer that I want.
I've been asked to sing lead vocals in exchange for money.
What what's the problem? [Titus] The problem is, this song is deeply offensive.
But I'm getting paid $100 an hour, and you know how badly I want a star named after me.
[Lillian] Titus, if you want something, you do whatever it takes to get it.
I mean, right now, I'm standing next to a bucket of my own urine.
She is.
It's disgusting.
This is Artie again, Titus.
Ugh, but the lyrics.
Oh, if you sell it, nobody cares what a song is about.
Some of our biggest hits are just disgusting.
"Young Girl" is a love song to jailbait.
"Baby It's Cold Outside" is a Christmas song advocating false imprisonment.
"The Piña Colada Song" is about a couple having an affair.
Yeah, and who sings about piña coladas that much? It's stupid.
Also, as someone who's made love on a beach, a word of advice: check the tide schedule ahead of time.
[Titus] Thank you, Lillian and Artie.
I knew you guys would give me the answer I wanted.
[inhales deeply] [grunts] Your task rabbit has arrived.
Oh, thank angry Old Testament God, the one who's always threatening to kill children to prove a point! Here.
[laughing] Mmm.
[Lillian burps] Buckle up, motherf Why do I feel so [dramatic music] Kimmy, what kind of tea was that? The strongest they had.
It had a bear on the box, and nothing's stronger than a bear! What was the bear wearing? - What was it wearing, Kimmy? - People clothes.
I'm telling you, this bear killed someone and took over his life! - Oh, no.
- Oh, boy.
Those were pajamas.
- That's Sleepytime tea.
- [Kimmy] Yeah! For those times when you're sleepy and don't want to be, like how Hungry-Man dinners are for when a man is hungry.
But it says "caffeine free.
" 'Cause you don't pay extra for the caffeine! It's free! [Lillian] You fool! Ooh! Oof! Ugh! Strong tea.
Artie Goodman, by the way.
Shall we vote? [exhales deeply] Sell it, and nobody will care what it's about.
Whew.
Forgive me, friendly New Testament God after you settled down and had a family.
Lovin' California Livin' left coast time I don't need to warn ya The babes out here are so fine Shirts off, shades on Smash Mouth on the stereo Rockin' with the top down is hella rad Now here we go [upbeat rock music] I love boobs and California Sand and California Boobs and California And my 'Stang and California I love dogs and California Hikes and California But the boobs in California Are the greatest boobs around Oh-oh, oh-oh They're the greatest boobs Daisy Dukes so high Them pockets are a-peekin' Every day in Cali land is a weekend I love boobs and California Sun and California Ska and California And my bro in California I love bikes and California Workin' out and California But the boobs in California Are the greatest boobs around - Oh-oh, oh-oh - [barking] Are the greatest boobs around Oh-oh, oh-oh The greatest boobs are in California Yeah.
[heaves] [retches] [retches] - Xan! - [Xan huffs] No.
What are you doing here? Well, I just saw your TaskRabbit review.
[sighs] "Kimmy looks like a traffic cone on a snowman, but there's less of a reason for her to exist.
She was hired to put together a rowing machine.
Instead she took apart my will to live.
" Then a soft-serve chocolate ice cream emoji, so thank you for that.
No, that's not Forget it.
I know it's hard, but you're so lucky, Xan.
I would die to come here! Stop trying to cheer me up by saying you'll die.
Right now, it probably feels like the world is ending, but I know if you don't give up and you think positive, things will work out.
- I want to fight you.
- No, you don't.
I would destroy you.
So instead let's think about why you wanted to come here in the first place.
I didn't.
I wanted to get as far away from this place as possible.
I wanted to go to school in California.
Sure, the cowabunga lifestyle.
But no, 'cause all Voorheeses go to Columbia, ever since we got kicked out of Holland for killing Vermeer.
I hate my family, and I hate that stupid crest.
- [glass shatters] - What are you doing? - You could get kicked out of school! - If I'm lucky.
[glass shatters] [sighs] Xanthippe! And Tony Ravioli! Look, either explain to me how this is part of a healthy sex life, or you two are in a lot of trouble.
We're just playing "Spin the Bottle," and it got out of hand.
Oh, "Spin the Bottle" with twosies? You think I'm some kind of idiot? - [glass shatters] - [Kimmy gasps] [laughing] I'm calling Dean Cain, telling him to clean up this mess.
And then we're gonna go see Dean Koontz, who is the dean.
[gentle music] [grunts] [mumbling] Where is everybody? Did they get Raptured? Attaboy, New Testament God.
I didn't know you had it in you.
No, they left after voting unanimously to support Big Naturals.
[sighs] That's it.
I give up.
No, that's not an option.
I don't agree with you on everything, like during your filibuster when you ranked ethnicities from best to worst, but I admire your passion.
So I insisted that you be the community liaison for this project.
Nothing gets done without your okay.
Huge mistake, pal.
I'm gonna fight you every step of the way! Well I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other, then.
[playful music] [elastic snaps] Who put underwear on me? I'm not letting you just throw your life away.
I'm gonna talk our way out of this.
[door opens] Oh, no, he looks so smart.
He's got glasses in his pockets.
We're fudged! When your resident advisor told me what had happened, I was at pains to understand what you were thinking, Xanthippe.
You've been given every advantage in the world.
In fact, you're the second-most privileged student in your class after Sophie Tylenol.
But then we realized exactly how brave and beautiful your act of destruction truly was.
What's happening, do you think? Attacking the symbol of your own privilege! Like Siddhartha Gautama renouncing his father's kingdom in order to become the Buddha.
I'm a professor of religious symbology, like Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code.
I also have an albino after me, but that's a whole other deal.
Hey, Xan, you chose to attack the family crest with alcohol, knowing that the Voorhees family used liquor to lure Irish children into their factories.
And you intentionally targeted this image of a horse because the Voorhees fortune came from making glue from horses' faces.
[Koontz] So thank you, Xanthippe.
The university should've removed that offensive crest ages ago.
[applause] Wait, what about horses? Koontz, I need to talk to you about a special admission case.
- I'm kind of in the middle of - I'm sorry.
Did you interrupt me? I wasn't done, Koontz.
- I-I - Is your mouth okay, nerd? I didn't mean to.
I'm sorry, Coach Tannen.
Coach, this is her! She's the badass that pulled a sub-seven on the erg.
Young lady, how would you like to row for Columbia on a full scholarship starting immediately? Um, the Ivy League doesn't actually award Was I talking to you, glasses? - Get in the corner.
- Ah.
[Xan] What just happened? [gasps] Well, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other, Xan! [triumphant music] - Who put underwear on me? - [elastic snaps] Ugh.
[techno music playing] [Titus] I love dogs and California Hikes and California But the boobs in California [in Japanese] It's the cowabunga lifestyle! [cheers and applause] [Titus] Oh-oh, oh-oh Lovin' California Livin' left coast time I don't need to warn ya The babes out here are so fine Shirts off, shades on Smash Mouth on the stereo Rockin' with the top down is hella rad Now here we go [upbeat rock music] I love boobs and California Sand and California Boobs and California And my 'Stang and California I love dogs and California Hikes and California But the boobs in California Are the greatest boobs around Oh-oh, oh-oh They're the greatest boobs Daisy Dukes so high Them pockets are a-peekin' Every day in Cali land is a weekend I love boobs and California Sun and California Ska and California And my bro in California I love bikes and California Workin' out and California But the boobs in California Are the greatest boobs around Oh-oh The greatest boobs are in California - Good night, everybody! - Good night!