Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

Kimmy Can't Help You!

1 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
- Jacqueline! - In a minute.
I picked up that gift at Christie's.
The auction house, not Christie's Discount Belts.
A mistake that I turned into a "shopportunity.
" It's a star! Ah-ooga! Amana-amana-amana! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing! Thank you, Kimmy.
It's Orson Snyder's 75th birthday.
Look at what I found him.
You got him a Ping-Pong paddle? The Ping-Pong paddle that Forrest Gump used to defeat the Chinese.
While you were in the bunker, we found out that Forrest Gump is real.
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
So is Russ coming back for the party? I should've bought you one of those sexy clear belts I saw at Christie's.
You can see everything.
Actually, Russ got back this afternoon.
He's just so jet-lagged, I'm letting him sleep.
Tonight is a big night.
Step one in our plan to get the Redskins to change their name.
- Ooh, let me guess the plan.
- Please don't.
At the party, you suggest everyone play Truth or Dare.
You know that's wrong.
If they choose dare, dare them to change the name.
They have to do it.
If they go truth, tell them you're Native American.
- No! - They say, "That's not how the game works!" No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The Snyders cannot know I'm Sioux.
No one can.
They have to accept me as one of them, which means they have to think I'm white.
Oh, that's no fun.
We're the worst.
Jacqueline, I had the most amazing dream.
I bowled a 90.
Good morning, Buckley.
Oh, hey, Russ.
I thought you were a pile of dirty clothes.
Well observed, Buckley.
In Namibia, women kept trying to put me on their heads and take me to the river.
And you must be Kimmy.
Well, Jacqueline, you were wrong.
She's exactly as attractive as Pippi Longstocking.
Thank you! Jacqueline has been filling me in on Operation Plan.
Don't worry.
I'll keep treating her like she's white.
Jacqueline, how was that lobster roll? The key to the whole thing is me winning over Russ's dad.
Yes, Orson Hamrod Snyder.
He rules over the team with an iron fist that he keeps in a box called The Fist Box, and he does not like me.
But he loves me.
So, to truly get Dad to Sorry, he hates it when I call him that.
To truly get Orson to trust Jacqueline, she's gonna have to pretend to dislike me as much as he does.
Then we start phase two.
So tonight we have to get into a huge fight.
Oh, how could I get mad at that face? Well, if it helps, I refuse to harm the tick that's in my beard.
I could use that.
Boy, this sounds complicated.
Oh, Operation Plan has crashed my PowerPoint more than once.
One could almost say there's too much ClipArt.
But Russ has thought it all out.
He's the brains.
I'm just the beauty and the muscle.
Can I be the guy that's one day away from retirement? "Oh, I'm getting too old for this, sugar.
" You're watching Sadsack TV, random stuff from the '70s and commercials for dog stairs.
- Titus? - Do not interrupt my spa time.
It's only been one week since I let Mikey go, Kimmy.
And being kind, wise, and mature was very hard on me.
Now I know why Yoda looked like a piece of dried green poop.
Well, you promised to give me acting lessons to beef up my college application.
I don't have any extracurriculars.
I don't recall making that promise.
But I've been forgetting so much lately.
Did I take my medicine? What is this? Where am I? I want to go home! Titus, you are home.
You're not my daughter.
Don't you know me? It's your Kimmy.
Kimmy? That's acting, girl.
Oh, could that be Mikey back already to marry me? Don't answer that door until I lose 15 pounds.
It's a stranger.
Down, Lucifer.
You're gonna make my gun go off by "akskident.
" - Who is it? - Hello? I'm Wendy Hebert.
Which one of you is Kimberly? That's me.
But around these parts, they call me Karate Kim.
I'm Wendy Hebert.
I'm here with your updated divorce settlement from Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne, aka Dick Wayne, aka DJ Slizzard.
Titus, it's signing time! Oh! Let me go get our pen.
Wow, you have a lovely home.
- We really don't, but thanks.
- Ugh.
Where you from? So I understand that you're gonna take your portion of the divided assets and pay for college? Kudos to you.
That's wonderful.
I, myself, have two graduate degrees.
Wow! They must love you at the frame store.
Let's do this! Man, I can't even imagine what sad and crazy lady would marry the Reverend on purpose.
Girl, don't give any thought to whatever dusty, crocheted toilet paper doll agreed to that, or you'll be too sad to sign.
Mystery bitch is on her "ownt.
" Mystery bitch.
Ouch! I mean, I would never speak about another woman that way.
Especially since I'm mystery bitch.
Woof? Meaning I'm marrying Richard.
You're marrying the Reverend? Why did you bring those divorce papers in person? That's weird.
Is it weird? I know.
I'm sorry.
Just Richard and I were so anxious to get started with this new chapter in our lives and it was brought to my attention that if I get these signed and get 'em back to Durnsville by Thursday, we could actually get married on Fried Chicken Night.
Which, you know, he hates fried chicken, but he loves the sides.
This is making me sad.
Look away.
Listen, I know people will judge our relationship.
But every age has its forbidden lovers, right? Romeo and Juliet, Catherine and Heathcliff, Heathcliff and Garfield.
Kimmy? Where'd the documents go? The dog ate them.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it I hope I can pull off this fight, Russ.
I've never been mean before.
Try not to get too much Doritos powder on it.
- You're ready, Jacqueline.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, we know how this is gonna go.
My father's gonna stand and give the same toast he always gives, and it always ends with how we got to do this again in five, ten, 100 years, 'cause try as hard as you want, God, he's never gonna die.
As soon as he's done, I'll give the signal, and you start the fight.
What is that? Fake dialing a phone when you're in a porno? No, this is Iktomi, the spider.
I've been reading up on your family's culture, and Iktomi is a Lakota s Yeah, I know.
A Lakota what? He's a wily trickster spider who always traps his prey, and that's us.
We're gonna Iktomi my family.
This is how we win.
I am so sorry about the documents.
Lucifer is an Australian paper hound, and they're bred to eat homework.
Lucifer, hush.
Oh, hold on, guys.
For one, I don't think we should kill the dog.
I'll just get another set of documents um, somehow.
Let me just Let me just make a call.
Lucifer! I saw you gobble those papers, Kimbulimia, and I know why you did it.
You want to fix that Miss Julie Pumpkinhead when you've got other stuff to think about.
What? Pfft.
I know you can't change people.
But maybe I could help this lady see the mistake she's making.
You don't know her.
You don't understand her.
When she said kudos to you, what did that mean? She was going to bring me a chocolate-covered granola bar.
She meant the fancy kind of kudos that look like a skirt.
Now repeat after me - I do not care about Wendy.
- I do not care about Wendy.
When Wendy talks I will picture a blurry lady on a prank show who did not sign the waiver.
This is typical Wendy and Richard stuff.
It is us against the world every time.
I called the lawyer's office to see if they could put a messenger on a plane with another set of papers.
Do you know what they said to me? "Don't marry a monster?" They said I should print it off an email? There's only one reason they're saying that to me, and it's 'cause I'm engaged to an incarcerated man who is also a minority - Excuse you? - in a prison filled with mostly Latin Kings.
Kimmy, you're gonna take me to the nearest Kinko's, okay? And we can talk and bond.
Mm, nope.
There's no Kinko's in this neighborhood.
We handwrite our flyers like our ancestors did.
Well, we'll find a Hampton Inn with a business center.
I'm a preferred customer 'cause I've been living at a Hampty since I moved to Indiana five months ago.
Ooh, that sounds sad.
And I lived in an underground tube.
- I guess we could see if the library has - Nope.
You aren't going anywhere, Thelma and Puh-lease.
We can print those papers right here in our home.
I know a gentleman with a printer machine.
I hope it still works.
I take it apart and put it back together every couple hours.
I thought meth was supposed to make you fast.
Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
It gives me a chance to get to know the woman who spent 15 years with Dick.
It's kind of sophisticated if you think about it.
An evening in Manhattan with my lover's wife.
It sounds like a Noel Coward play! If Noel Coward really was a coward who rapes everybody.
Who-who-who-who Wants to order pizza? Seventy-five? Orson, you look fantastic.
What's your secret? Well, I have the organs of a 35-year-old Guatemalan gardener.
Oh, he died of natural causes.
He fell on a shotgun.
Thank God we had the bathtub full of ice ready to go.
Hey, guys.
You You watch Infowars at all? No? I want to thank you all for being here tonight, especially Stewart and Phoebe who delayed their honeymoon to Westworld - Oh-ho-ho! - so they could join us.
That's a big deal.
So here's to doing this again in five years, when I'll be 80, my organs will be 40, and I don't know how to do orangutan years, but my penis will be eight.
Solid age.
But in spite of everything, folks, I've become an old man, and I'm getting a little tired of the boardroom.
And I'd rather be in Montana shooting salmon, so I've decided I'm not going to go to the NFL owners meeting this year.
No, it's time to pass the torch to our new chairman and my best son, Duke.
So-so-so you're not gonna be in charge? Duke is gonna be in charge? Thank God you were here to explain it, Russ.
Congratulations, Dukey-boy.
What? There was a reason for this lifetime of grooming? I'm so mad at you, then throw your drink at me! Jacqueline, will you marry me? What are you doing? Say no, Jacqueline.
- You could do better.
- Wait.
Before you say anything Now say no.
Uh Shame! Shame! Shame! I see what's happening here.
You won't accept our union 'cause you found out that Jacqueline is Native American.
Well, let Let me just Oh-ho, she's running.
She's running.
I can't wait to put this on YouTube.
Look at that! Okay, so we're up to It's still page one.
Lort Jeebus.
You know Dick's guilty, right? He's different with me.
You're probably wondering how we met.
I teach creative writing at prisons around the country.
With my help, these men learn to access their shadows and move toward healing.
I only teach men.
Anyhoo, a few months ago, I was in Durnsville, and here it comes.
An inmate bit me, and he locked on.
So the guards Tased him, which, of course, Tased me.
And so I'm on the floor, and I hear someone say, "I guess this is a creative biting workshop.
" And it's Dick.
Was he funny in the bunker, Kimmy? When he got mad, he'd lock us in something he called "the toolbox" because we were such tools.
Is that funny? Kimmy, Kimmy.
I get it.
It must be horrible for him to have to live with the knowledge that he did all that stuff.
Poor Dick.
But at least he's expressing himself now.
He writes me the most beautiful poems.
- May I read you one? - Please don't.
It's called The Next Time I See You by Rick Wayne.
"The next time I see you bring $100 for a thing I need or I'll be mad.
" He's like a young William Carlos Williams, don't you think? Wendy, are you maybe like that lady who married Charles Manson so she could sell his body when he dies? 'Cause that's a relationship we can all understand.
Goodness, no.
I feel lucky Richard chose me.
After the trial, he was juggling about a dozen erotic pen pals.
Gah-lee, what is wrong with women? I don't blame them.
He's so charismatic.
Those soulful eyes of his.
You can tell he's had to overcome a lot.
His mother worked, you know.
He's evil, Wendy.
I lived with him for 15 years.
Well, to hear him tell it, you were no picnic either.
Kimmy! May I see you in my office? I can't take this.
I feel like we're letting a blind person go to bed on a stove.
That's right.
And you're gonna tuck her in and go to college.
So just tune that pasty Felicia out and think happy thoughts, like a toilet where you can lie down.
Knock, knock.
I almost forgot.
Kimberly, Richard wants to marry me with his grandmother's wedding ring.
I don't have it.
No, his grandmother has it.
But they're not on good terms for some reason.
So can you talk to her? Would you excuse us for a moment, Wendy? You need to get out of this apartment.
Let Wendy do Wendy, and you do you.
Take your incomplete college application and go wherever white folks go to finish stuff.
A farmers market, dog park, maybe a live recording of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.
- Too high! - Well, you lost your scarf, so this is what we do.
Kimmy's gone? No, no, no, no, no! She has to sign! She just had to walk the dog.
Oh, okay.
It's such a big dog for this small apartment.
Oh, my goodness.
I caught someone.
It's only because these heels are not meant to be worn standing up.
Look, I can explain You don't get to decide when I tell people about my heritage, Russ.
And what happened to our plan? Everything changed in there.
My father passed the torch to Duke, which means that Iktomi can now weave his web as fast as Tasunke Witko's steed! This is America.
Speak English.
We have a whole new plan now.
It all hit me like a truck.
Ooh! Oh, God, stop! But thank you for driving electric.
Get out of the way, honey.
I can't.
It ran over my feet first.
Stop! You're slowly crushing him! Oh, God! Ma'am, please! Oh, why did I assume it was a woman parking badly? You know what? I deserve this! Oh, my It's Sunday.
You're good.
Well, pardon my French, but today's been a gosh-dang, mother-fudging sugar-show! There are several cons to your argument.
One, why would we throw urine at Al Roker when he has never thrown urine at us? "Let's go smoke by the fence! We can steal candy bars, throw urine at Al Roker.
" Boy, you are one bad mitten.
What the heck's a "minton"? "I told you this wouldn't work!" Wait.
Who's she? Well, I think we know what you are.
Russ, you know, before I met you, I was lost, but you pulled me into your heart, like your heart got pulled into the wheel well of something called a GEO Sprout.
And now I'm lost again.
I mean, you might die, and the waiting room only has Redbook.
Who's that for? And what's the new plan? I'm so confused.
I feel like Kimmy at a drugstore self-checkout.
I don't know what to do.
It's like I'm 16 again living in a town where the most exciting thing that ever happened was when the The Guinness Book of World Records came and measured our tumbleweed.
So close.
The only thing I could do then was run away, which was the right move.
And now it's time for me to run away again.
Disappear forever.
Step one win America's Next Top Model.
And maybe that was your plan the whole time to make me leave and start a new life.
So, if I'm right, just continue to lie there and not make any sounds at all.
Okay, fine.
I guess I'll just stay right here and read about Diane Lane's favorite dog breeds for pleasing your man.
What does that even mean? Why isn't Kimmy back? She better not just be gone.
Dick told me she was always trying to run away.
No, she's coming back.
It's not just about Fried Chicken Night, man.
I got to lock this relationship down.
I'm pretty sure that Richard is still writing two of his sex pen pals.
And one of 'em has chest implants.
I can't compete with that.
Wendy, I You know you're pretty-looking and such, right? Titus, I've been hurt very badly in my previous relationships by guys who looked real good on paper.
Guess what.
Turns out you're not a good guy just 'cause you came up with a hot ad campaign for walnuts.
But with Richard, I know what I'm getting.
He won't cheat on me with my neighbor 'cause he can't.
He can't scream at me when the Steelers lose.
He can't flip my cereal bowl in my face and call me a dummy.
A man flipped cereal at you? 'Cause now I eat my cereal at home before I go to the prison.
I'm in control for once.
I'm not stupid, Titus.
I know it's not a fairy-tale romance.
We only get to see each other an hour a week.
But that's why this is gonna work.
If we only see each other one hour a week, he'll never realize what a useless piece of crap I am, and he'll love me forever.
And that's what I deserve.
Wendy I'm gonna fix you.
I'm gonna fix you! Sorry it took us so long to get here.
I found a ton of rare nom-noms on the way over and crushed it.
Well, the doctor said that Russ may never come Ooh, garlic bread! You made that bread your bitch, son.
So, Jacqueline how's Russ? Well, we know he can still poop.
I just wish we'd figured that out before they put the cast on him.
Look, obviously, this is awkward.
Now that you know my heritage, I'm sure you want nothing to do with me.
Don't be ridiculous, Jacqueline.
No, in fact, we want you to know, if you pushed Russ in front of that car we get it.
What? - But you own the Redskins.
- Exactly.
- And your heritage - Is an important part of who I am.
Yes, perfect.
Say crap like that.
Until my little promotion today, I was head of PR for the Redskins.
I won a Digie for my sweet tweets.
But just imagine the optics of having a Native American in the family.
We'll be bulletproof.
What do you mean "in the family"? Let's get you and Russ married before God takes him.
You'll never get me! I'm better than you! Father.
You brought a priest? She's one of God's little babies, Kimmy.
- What? - Wendy needs your help.
Titus, I just spent all night doing stuff for myself for college.
Kimberly, Wendy's like a beautiful, rare Barbie that some boys pulled the arms and legs off of and now the family dog is chewing on the connector nubs.
I'm worried she won't go back together again.
She's tragic.
Right now she's looking for a deli to get waffles to go.
Waffles don't travel! I did everything I could to make her see she's better than this.
I even tried to seduce her.
She's immune to my charm.
- I think only you can - Stop it! Like you said, I don't know her.
I for sure don't understand her.
Why should I be responsible for that dusty, crocheted toilet paper doll? That description of Wendy is now considered offensive.
As a society, we've moved on.
Look, I'm not sure about this.
Russ is unconscious.
Yeah, that's why it's perfect.
You get his money, the Snyders get you, and no one has to go to a bachelor party at an arboretum.
All right, Russ, obviously, you want to marry her.
She's tall, hot, and, for the first time, not inflatable.
Sick burn, Father.
Oh, right? - Now, blonde lady - Thank you.
Do you take Russ to have and to hold, in just sickness, I guess? Russ, I don't know what you want me to do.
Is this still the plan? Iktomi.
So you gonna marry him or not? I do.
Welcome to the Redskins family! Oh! Titus, come on.
I didn't know if waffles would travel well, so I also got fish tacos.
Help her, Kimmy.
Don't sign.
I know you need the money, but you'll find another way, like two Christian teens who signed an abstinence pledge, 'cause you're a survivor.
You survived the bunker.
You need a bunker flashback.
Those always work.
Plus, it gives me a chance to just hang out and eat some cheese.
Um bunker flashback.
- Flashback to your tragic past.
- Titus.
Uh trigger word um Galoshes.
How long have you been here? It ends now! Wow, I guess it's winter outside, Sister Kimmy.
We were way off.
I'm going to kill him! It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
We're not letting the Reverend near you.
I just need to get near him! I'm hiding an icicle in my butt! When he comes at me, I'll stab him in the eye and drive it into his brain! I'm Kimmy.
This is Cyndee.
The Reverend wants to marry you, okay? He thinks it'll make us jealous.
Yeah, and I'd only be jealous if he married the cab driver from Wings.
Quick! Before the icicle melts, just tell me where to go! Shh, it's okay.
Let go of me! I don't know you.
I don't understand you.
But I'm not letting that monster hurt another person.
Why are you so strong?! So you're not marrying the Reverend tonight.
- Huh? - I'll marry him instead.
What? You're gonna marry him? Now is the time, idiots! Ayúdame just got here.
She doesn't know how to distract the Reverend by asking him to rank Kid Rock songs.
I'll be fine.
Never mind.
I no longer have an icicle.
You're welcome, sister.
Did it work? Wendy.
I don't know you.
I don't understand you.
But I'm not going to let that monster hurt another person.
I'm not signing these.
I knew it! He told me you were still in love with him.
If that's what you need to believe.
Well, it is.
And you can't stop me from seeing him because we're gonna be together forever.
We may never get conjugal visits, but I can stay close to him because the Hampton Inn told me that I can buy a room, like a condo! You'll never get him back, if that's your crazy pipe dream, because he is not a fan of yours! Not a fan, Kimmy! I promised I wouldn't do this, but one of his very first compositions was a scathing haiku about you.
It's called Kimmy.
"I hate you, Kimmy.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut, wrecker of my joy.
" Can I borrow a snack for the ride home? Mm.
- Titus.
- Oh.
You'll still get that money for college, Kimmy.
We just have to make a cool, new app.
You know that's not short for appetizers, right? You know I don't know that! Wrecker of my joy.
What? Did something happen to the tumbleweed? No.
It's your daughter.
What did I do wrong with this one? Oh, don't blame yourself.
You know, I saw a white spider the other day.
I bet this is all Iktomi's doing.
Oh, you can't blame Iktomi for everything.
Iktomi farted.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!