Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s03e02 Episode Script

Kimmy's Roomate Lemonades!

1 [man] So that's the dormitory.
Showers and flush toilets are conveniently located in the men's shelter next door.
This is so exciting! Can you believe I'm finally going to college? I don't believe anything I hear in the lame-stream media.
The new semester starts in a couple weeks, but I still don't know where I want to go.
This place seems great, but so did all the others.
Famous Ray's Original College, SUNY The Sewer.
And Hudson University is on TV.
How am I supposed to choose? Well, it depends.
What do you want to study? Huh.
I guess I never really thought about it.
Well, what kind of job do you want? When I was little, I wanted to be a professional horse-brusher, but that's all who you know.
Okay, maybe work backwards.
How do you want to die? Sucked into a machine? Shot by a robber? Overestimate a tiger friendship? You should take one of these career aptitude tests.
I took one when I was in high school.
It said I should be a unlicensed barber or a police informant.
Look at me now.
I'm both! [cheerful music] Okay, Home Biscuit.
Time to find out what your dream is.
Name Dr.
Vanessa Poseidon.
Oh.
The name you already have.
Duh! Hey, Titus, want to take a free career test? No, thank you.
I took one of those in high school, and it told me to become a mannequin.
Wow.
That would be a good job for you, 'cause you get so still when you're angry.
Oh, no.
Are you angry right now? Yes, I'm angry right now! Last night I saw Mikey going into his apartment with another man! Really? Well, that doesn't necessarily mean He's cheating on me, Kim Kebow.
They were laughing and touching arms and worst of all you're gonna need to sit down for this.
I know you're sitting.
Sit again.
Mikey was wearing the date-night outfit he wore on our first date.
Whoa.
Are you sure the other guy was gay? Everybody's gay, Kimmy.
It's the '90s.
Well, what did Mikey say when you talked to him about it? I didn't talk to him.
I bounced.
I've been up all night processing this in my own way.
I will need all my Afro-centric bedspreads.
I need to pick samples.
Ah, the definitive Rosie O'Donnell cast recording of Grease.
Spooky Sounds of the Haunted Mansion.
An audiotape of commercials I use as a shopping list.
You have to talk to Mikey and give him a chance to explain.
I know what I saw.
Titus, Mikey's a good guy.
Don't overreact.
I'm not overreacting.
I'm doing what any reasonable person would do in this situation.
I'm Lemonading.
[sighs] [upbeat music] [Bankston] Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[singers] Damn it [Jacqueline] Sorry, I'm not used to public speaking.
Normally, my boyfriend Normally, Mr.
Rustine Snyder handles these events, but he's out of town, so it's all on my shoulders.
And, boy, are my arms tired! [laughs awkwardly] No.
Today I am here to announce a generous donation from the Snyder Foundation to finally clean up this blighted waterfront and to provide Liar! Go back to the Upper East Side, you carpet-bagging peroxided hooker! Now, look, this is exactly why I am running for district council to keep rich, white A-holes like this from coming to our neighborhood and "fixing" it so that real New Yorkers like us cannot afford to live here no more.
No, that's not what we're And as your councilwoman, you can count on me to vote no on this cleanup.
Lock her up! [crowd chanting] Lock her up! Lock her up! Bye-bye, sweetie.
It's so good to see you.
D-don't be a stranger! [crowd chanting] Lock her up! Lock her up! Okay, "Rate your skill level in the following areas.
One: Making decisions.
" Um Eh, pass.
"Two: Focusing on the problem at hand.
" Oh, dang it! "Three: Creative thinking.
" Edible paper, a hat with pockets a penguin with teeth! What? Nailed it! "Girl, you know standardized tests are racist!" I did not know that.
[water splashes] [Titus] I tried to change.
To be sweeter prettier less gassy.
I slept on a cot next to a towel shaped like a swan wearing my sunglasses and plugged my seasick porthole with pages from the holy book.
But all the while [coughing and sputtering] [echoing] Were you cheating on me? [upbeat music] - [sirens blaring] - [bells ringing] [Titus] Hell, nah, I ain't playing With you, Michael Uh-uh, I'm not fooling With you, Michael Back up, I ain't playing With you, meatball Michael, I'm not playing With you, meatball [man] Bananin' [Titus] Something don't taste right 'Cause it ain't right Like when you take a sip of water And it turns out to be Sprite I know your secret, and now I regret Ever helping you out your closet Is this what I deserve? I took you at your word You know I'm not too 'ffeminate To cut me up a nerd What's worst? Being heartbroke or roach bit? Heartbroke or roach bit? Or, like, seeing you in your outfit? I gave you that outfit I'd rather be roach bit Hell, nah, I ain't playing With you, Michael [man] Bananin' [Titus] Uh-uh, I'm not fooling With you, Michael For real, I ain't playing With you, Michael Michael, I'm not playing With you, meatball Imagine for a moment That you never came on out To yourself, still on the shelf Still had that dartboard in your house Never made it out of Queens Still out there playing all them sports Never had the flyest tenor in the choir Up in your shor-or-orts Would dudes be into you? Nope Them gays would spoof on you Goof on you I know that opposites attract So I find you and fix your hair Miss Thing Say.
Hell, no, I ain't playing With you, Michael Uh-uh, I'm not fooling With you, meatball For real, I ain't playing With you, Mikey Michael, I am angry with you, mister Oh-oh-oh, it's such a shame You let this meerkat go to waste I always keep it nice-nice, no fuss Grinding sideways on the bus Like, "Rub my feet" You rub my feet And then we watch a cop-type show [man] Bananin' Hey! Lay off my truck, pal! Titus? Wait.
You're back from the cruise? Maybe.
[explosion booms] [sighs] Okay.
"Prefers working outside, salary flexible, good with children and bees.
" Job code 69.
I know that's funny, but I don't know why.
[laughing] Come on, horse-brusher.
Crossing guard.
That's even better.
[rousing music] Stop.
Yep.
Watch out! Just a minute.
Good morning! How are you? [gasps] Yeah! I'm going to school for crossing guarding! [Jacqueline panting] Hey.
What the hell, Lillian? I haven't been spoken to that way since that time I went to the post office.
[laughs] I'm sorry, dear.
It's just politics.
I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend.
But if I'm gonna get stuff done for this neighborhood, it's prison rules, baby.
Get stuff done? You're just preventing these people from getting clean water.
Do you really think that's what the voters want? Let's ask 'em.
Hey, Meth-Head Charlie.
Gonna vote for me tomorrow? Of course.
Wait.
Did you say "vote" or "smoke meth"? - Vote.
- Oh, then, no, I can't.
I'm a felon.
Oh.
What about you, Creep? Sex offender.
Big-time.
Pervert Rick? Canadian.
[sighs] Hey, wait a minute.
I'm a felon, too.
Payola.
Ah, this neighborhood's just a basket of deplorables.
And Titus won't register to vote because he refuses to do jury duty.
He says he has no peers.
So who can vote tomorrow? [Jacqueline] Only one person? - [both gasp] - You got to be kidding me! [together] Kimmy! I got to get that dumb ginger to vote for - Anyone but you.
- Me.
I thought the cruise wasn't over for another two months.
- I thought you were my boyfriend.
- I am.
It's, like, all I talk about.
"My boyfriend's on a cruise.
" "My boyfriend's a great singer.
" "Hey, that pug dog looks just like my boyfriend.
" I came by your house last night after I turned down a three-way with a puppet you're welcome only to find you laughing with some boy like two white ladies looking at a salad! You were spying on me? I was surprising you! You made it spying by being shady.
You know what? I can't with you right now.
You better call "Bucky With The Good Hair.
" You mean Jeff? Jeff? [scoffs] What kind of name is Jeff? Ew.
Jeff is just a friend.
Stop saying it like it's a normal name.
And if he was just a friend, why did you draw the shades when you went inside the house? So we could see the TV.
He came over to play Call of Duty.
Oh, okay, uh, but also, no.
And if Jorpf, or whatever he calls himself, was just a friend, why were you wearing your date-night clothes? What? That blue sweater I put on you in episode 204 of our relationship.
I don't know.
It was all I had clean.
"Oh, I don't know.
It was all I had clean.
" [screams] [breathing heavily] As I was about to sing in my next song Boom, boy, bye, foop.
Boom, boy, bye, foop [quietly] What? [gasps] Come here, Kimmy.
Come to me! No, no, no, over here, dear.
- Come on, come to Lillian.
- Here, girl.
Here, girl! Come on! Come on, girl! Mmm, num, num, num, num.
Come on, girl.
Oh, Lillian, we agreed no bacon.
Oh, okay, now listen.
You're gonna vote for me tomorrow, aren't you, dear? - Of course! - But if you vote for her, she's gonna stop me from bringing clean water to this neighborhood.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
That's why you need to vote for any candidate but Lillian.
No! If this yuppie bitch and her yuppie boyfriend clean up the sludgefront, more yuppies will move in.
And you know what yuppies eat? - Brussels sprouts - Yuck! and ice cream that tastes like lavender.
No, that's a smell! But you'll have the most beautiful new waterfront with ducks in it, ducks that have babies.
- Aww.
How many? - It doesn't matter! Our rent will be jacked up so high, we'll probably have to move to Hart Island, where they bury all the unclaimed bodies.
Now, I forget.
Do you like sleeping in a giant pit full of skeletons? You know I don't! [sludge gurgling] [crunching] [Perry] Good morning, everyone.
Just FYI, this tour is only for prospective students.
So, if you're here for the Al-Anon meeting, that's downstairs.
Uh, and if you're here for what you should know is an unauthorized and very incorrect Sex and the City walking tour, that starts at 2:00.
Oh, okay, great.
Um, hi.
My name's Perry.
And if you have any questions Oh, yes.
I didn't see anything in the pamphlet about your crossing guard program.
Do the professors here have real-world crossing guard experience? Or are they these ivory-tower types who've never crossed a street in their lives? I-I don't think we have a crossing guard program.
But we have a lot of other great vocational programs.
TV/VCR Repair, Sandwich Arts, Murder for Hire.
Yeah, I'm on a pretty serious career track here.
I took a test, and it said I was gonna be a crossing guard, so Well, that's awesome.
But you never know.
You might surprise yourself.
I originally came here to study accounting, and then I got really interested in philosophy.
Philosophy? Like what is the sound of one hand clapping? So stupid.
It's this.
Kshew! Kshew! I make that sound a lot 'cause no one will high-five me.
Sure, but philosophy's so much more than that.
It teaches you how to really think.
Right.
Right.
Penguin with teeth.
Like, okay, so how do you know you're even here right now? Ow! See? Okay, but what if you're really just a brain in a vat somewhere in a lab and that was just a bunch of electrical signals to make you think you pinched yourself? Whoa.
This is making my head all tingly, like that time I put Pop Rocks on a Q-tip.
I know, right? Uh-oh, my vat brain is telling my imaginary arm to high-five! [together] Oh! [both laughing] I'm sorry.
I get a little carried away.
Should we continue with the tour? - I don't know.
Is there a tour? - [chuckles] - Is this building even here? - [laughs] [ethereal music] [Titus] What will you say at my funeral now that you've killed me? Here lies Titus, stepmother to my lizards, both living and dead.
[electronic music] His heaven will be a grand piano full of baked potatoes.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to Jerfffs.
I don't kairr - [knock at door] - I don't kairr Why should I kairr? Guido, nah [knock at door] Kimberly, use your key! I'm Lemonading! [knocking continues] You're not answering your phone.
If you must know, I dropped it in a public pool while I was making track one.
Like my heart, it's over there in a plastic bag full of rice, drying out.
Titus, I know you don't believe me, but Jeff and me are not doing anything bad.
- Who? - [groans] Okay, I know I'm not a great singer like you Oh, if this is a murder/suicide, please leave a note.
I don't need the heat.
[door closes] You You got what I need And Jeff is just a friend Oh, yeah, he's just a friend Oh, Titus, you Please stop whatever this is and say what you need to say.
I swear, babe, on my Pupazza's Ping-Pong ball eyes, Jeff is just a buddy.
- We met at the gym.
- The gayest place to meet someone! Titus, you were away for months on that cruise.
Was I not supposed to have any friends? I didn't.
I had nothing but enemies, because I love you.
I love you, too.
- So why won't you believe me? - Because! Two gay men can't just be friends, just like a straight woman and a straight man can't be friends.
Also, women and other women.
Well, let me prove you wrong.
Jeff and I are supposed to go to the batting cages today.
Just come with us.
Please.
I do own a baseball stick now.
[Kimmy and Perry laughing] Refrigerator? Seriously? Yep, it was the '80s, and my mom really loved the Bears.
But that's why I go by my middle name, Perry.
In Indiana, I used to babysit a little girl named Detlef Schrempf.
Yeah.
Um, so this is my mom and dad, and those are my sisters, Payton and Ditka.
My dad was a security guard at the Tootsie Roll factory That's awesome! till he got shot by robbers ful.
That's awful.
fell over a railing and got sucked into a chocolate-mixing machine.
Oh, no.
Still a little bit awesome.
After that, it was up to me to take care of the family.
That's why I'm just going to school now.
I'm sorry.
That stinks on ice.
But you can't control the world.
You can only control how you choose to respond to it.
It's part of why I got into philosophy.
What does it mean to be a good person, and how do you make those choices? Huh.
Maybe philosophy can help me.
My friends want me to make a choice, and it's impossible.
They both seem equally good or bad, and I'm just stuck in the middle.
- Like Buridan's Ass.
- [giggles] It's a parable about free will.
- So, if a perfectly rational donkey - That's me! gets placed between two identical bales of hay, the donkey won't be able to choose one over the other, and so it will starve to death.
That's perfect.
I can just starve to death, and I won't have to choose.
But, well, according to Spinoza, the donkey isn't actually rational because making a choice is a good in itself.
Okay, so sometimes the donkey's just got to choose which pizza it's gonna eat.
In my head, I changed it to pizza.
Can I do that? Sure, it's all just a thought experiment.
It doesn't even have to be a donkey.
It could be a unicorn, if you want.
It's time for this unicorn to choose a cupcake.
I changed it again.
[electronic whirring] - Ahh! - Ah, come on! You're swinging down, jackass.
You got to loosen up that stance, huh? You play baseball like Michael Jordan.
[chuckles] And you play basketball like John Kruk! I met Michael Jordan at a party once, but then it turned out to be a cardboard cutout.
Also, it wasn't a party.
It was a McDonald's PlayPlace where I was hiding from some teenagers.
- Ah! - Bro, you're killing me.
You got to get your weight off your back foot.
- [bat pings] - [laughter] [together] Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about! All right, show me what you got, Yuko.
Voice evaluation complete.
Setting pitching style for "Basic Dudebro.
" [Jeff] Yeah, you know it! - Told you he was in love with you.
- What? What movie were you watching? Glitter, on my phone.
But I saw the way that boy was looking at you.
That's crazy.
This is just friend stuff.
Are you serious right now? Oh, my Lord.
Mikey, I have always loved your naïveté, but don't make me spell it out for you, because my French teacher was named Madame Scruggs.
Titus, Jeff has never hit on me.
This is all in your own head.
Don't do this to us.
Don't do this to yourself.
I'm just saying, at some point Jooff is going to make his move, and you're gonna come running back to me, saying, "Titus, you were right.
Also, your skin looks amazing today.
" You're killing me, pal.
So now the ball's in your court.
See, I know baseball.
Finally.
How do you even know that guy? What do you mean how do I know him? Oh, no.
Oh, wow.
Oh, brother.
[Yuko] Voice evaluation complete.
Setting pitching style for "Tony Danza.
" What's got two hands, two feet, and is amazing at making choices? This gal! I voted! And by the way, Lillian, you were wrong about college.
I realized today that it's not just about how I want to die.
It's about how I want to live.
[Lillian groaning] I don't just want to be a crossing guard.
I want to learn how to really think.
Just tell us who you voted for.
- Well, it's a classic Buridan's Ass.
- Thank you.
I don't know which one of you is right about the sludgefront, but Spinoza said I had to make a choice.
Spin-Noza? The Sephardic DJ? Maybe.
And in the end, I trust Lillian to do what's right for this neighborhood.
It's a mandate! One hundred percent of the vote! Okay, day one of the Kaushtupper regime get rid of the carriage horses in Central Park.
Day two, carriage-horse stew for all! [Jacqueline scoffs] I'm just hopeless without Russ.
Oh, God, I miss the smell of his one dead tooth and how it squishes under my tongue when we kiss.
Blech.
Oh, honey, you're not a dum-dum.
I'm just the baddest bitch in the game.
Come on.
I'm gonna let you buy me a congratulations steak.
And, Kimmy, you are not gonna regret this.
I'm gonna show those fat-cat politicians who's boss! Attica! Attica! - [Kimmy] Gattaca! Gattaca! Gattaca! - [Lillian] Attica! Attica! Attica! Gattaca! Gattaca! That was fun.
[dramatic music] Titus, you were right.
Mm-hmm, and also? Your skin actually does look amazing today, so I don't mind saying it.
How did he do it? Did he give you a single rose with a teddy bear clipped to it? Did he hide a ring in a patty melt? He tried to fight me, and then halfway through - Classic! - It doesn't matter, though.
I realized this is all my fault.
Titus, I never told him we were together.
Why didn't I do that? I tell everybody.
And why did I wear my date-night outfit? What's wrong with me? I mean, it never even occurred to me that you could play video games with a guy and watch sports with him and, like, touch butts and stuff, all in one guy, like some kind of sexy Swiss Army knife.
That's crazy, right? I mean, that could be too much of a good thing.
You must be confusing me with one of those Sex and the City creatures.
This is not brunch.
I am not the one to help you decide between Mr.
Big and Hormf.
No, dude, I choose you.
I'll be your pet.
I'll do whatever you want.
I'll go wherever you want, and we'll be together forever.
No! I choose you! I'll be your pet.
I'll go wherever you want.
I'll do whatever you want, and we'll be together forever.
[together] I don't want to lose you.
Please, you're the only one for me.
Come on.
There's someone you need to meet.
[cheerful music] Perry, I'm doing it.
I'm applying to Robert Moses College.
Oh, that's fantastic.
You know, they call it the Harvert of Queens.
Did you say "Harvert"? In a few weeks, we'll be philosophy buddies.
I can't wait to meet all the other "studes.
" Students.
Oh, well, I won't be here.
I'm transferring to Columbia next semester.
Columbia House? Like the tapes? Columbia University.
After busting my ass here for two years, I qualified for a scholarship.
How cool is that? Wait.
Is Columbia better than here? [laughs] Yeah, a little bit.
Oh, uh, yeah, it is.
I mean, Robert Moses is great, but people come from all over the world to go to Columbia.
Like Epcot or Mall of America.
You get into a place like Columbia, the world is your oyster.
Ew, I hope you're changing it to Pizza, in my mind.
Yeah, I am.
Wow.
I'm really happy for you.
Stay cool, Refrigerator.
Look, Kimmy, I know you took a test or whatever, but you don't have to be a crossing guard.
You could be a unicorn, if you want.
Whoops.
Okay, first item accepting the Snyder Foundation's matching funds for the sludge cleanup.
Over my hot body.
As councilwoman for East Dogmouth, I say, "Hell, nay.
" Hmm.
All those in favor? Aye.
The measure passes.
Moving on.
Two fire hydrants were recently destroyed by a bat-wielding man in a yellow cape.
[quietly] Wha [dramatic music] What are we doing here? Who are we meeting? And why wouldn't you tell me in the truck? For drama, fool.
Titus! What an unexpected pleasure.
Tim! Tim, come here.
I want you to meet an old friend of mine.
- This is Titus.
- Hi! Roger, this is my boyfriend, Mikey.
Oh, Mikey, so nice to meet you.
And that is the "tooth"! [laughter] Orthodontist humor.
Sorry.
He can't help himself.
Roger was my first real boyfriend.
[Roger] True, true.
We met when I ran that free dentistry van in Hell's Kitchen.
Oh, bless your heart, you banged everything that moved back then.
[both chuckle] What a treat! Oh, could you guys stay for dinner? Tim made zoodles.
It is going to be "filling"! [laughter] I can, Roger, but Mikey has somewhere to be.
I'll be right in.
Okay.
Where am I going? I could eat.
Look around here, Mikey.
Sweaters, dentist jokes, a bird pool.
Can you imagine me living here? Of course not.
Well, this is the life I was willing to lead to stay with Roger, because he was my first, and I was so sure he was the only one for me.
And if he hadn't set me free to find out, I would have never met you.
Wait, what are you saying? You made me go to work on that cruise, even though it was hard for you.
And it went amazing, and I didn't eat anyone.
- And now I need to do the same for you.
- No.
It's too much pressure being your first and your only even for a glorious diva such as "moy.
" - You mean "moi"? - Damn you, Madame Scruggs! Wait.
Are you breaking up with me? It's just one of the many small ways in which I am stronger than Beyoncé.
We can't see each other at all? For now.
And if we're meant to be together, then blah, blah, blah.
[chuckles] I knew you'd know it was Biz Markie.
[truck door opens] [engine turning over] [instrumental music] [Titus] I kicked you In the air so high From my nest into the sky Broke my wings so you could fly [chorus] Broke my wings So you could fly Baby gaybird, I said goodbye [chorus] Baby gaybird, I said goodbye I loved you like A Patti LaBelle pie So sweet and flaky, I could cry Sometimes pop songs don't really rhyme [chorus] Sometimes pop songs Don't really rhyme This will sound fine to your mind [chorus] This will sound fine To your mind True love is harder And true love is more work than pleasure You lose what you have and then pray It comes back to you better Then run from the dentist 'Cause hell, no You're not eating zoodles Titus is great, Titus is the best Titus is growing Titus is great, Titus is the best Titus is learning about True love Whoa-oh, true love is exhausting True love, whoa-oh True love So let this painful year go by And if your love for me doesn't die I'll find you in the night Like a firefly [whispers] My Mikey Politano [soft music playing] - Good night, everybody! - Good night!