Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Forefathers and Two Mothers

And how are you feeling towards your mother? Which one? -Whoops, that was clumsy.
Your adoptive mother.
Margaret.
Well, how do you think I feel? My whole life has been a lie because she couldn't tell me the truth.
She made me look like such an idiot.
You really want to know how I feel about her? I hate her.
I wish that she was dead.
Mm.
And how do you feel about that, Margaret? When did she come in? Oh! Mum! Don't cry! You know I didn't mean it.
You know I would never say how I feel in front of you.
Hey, baby? What can I make with a G, a Y and an H? It's aitch, not haitch.
How about 'unhygienic'? Yeah, missing a few letters for that.
Hey, do I look OK? Uh, yeah.
I love the foaming at the mouth look.
-No, the suit.
Should I wear jeans? You look hot.
-I don't want to look hot.
I'm meeting my parents.
Well, you can't help it because you are a sexy little biatch.
Ah! Who smacks really hard.
-I just don't want them to think I'm stuck-up.
Good luck with that! -What is that supposed to mean? -Aitch, not haitch.
That doesn't mean I'm stuck-up.
That just means that I'm right.
You're a doctor, you drive a Beemer, you're off to see your therapist this morning.
She's an adoption transition counsellor.
-Oh.
-Anyway, I'm not going.
What, since when? -Since she's just not really helping.
-All her clients are kids.
They're just little kids, you know, from overseas.
I mean, I am a grown-up.
I don't need a jelly bean at the end of every session.
You love jelly beans.
OK, fine! You're not the one that has to sit there in front of a box of crayons in case you want to draw your feelings.
If you're going to make such a big deal about it, I'll just go, alright? Could we just drop it? Yes, we can.
Good.
Sorry for making such a big deal out of it.
Hey, Eddy.
Mum, did you ring Nanny Margaret about Friday night? The French Film Festival.
Yeah, you're not stuck-up.
She wants to see the one about the older man having an affair with the younger woman.
Well, that narrows it down, Eddy.
-Should I text her yes? -Um, no, no.
Don't text her anything because Friday night's Friday's not good.
Why not? Because we're going out to dinner Friday night.
Who is? -Just the four of us.
You, me, your dad and Oscar.
But you and I always go to the French Film Festival with Nanny Margaret.
Well, we can't this year because we're going out to dinner.
We're going to that new place, the Green Emperor.
I made a booking.
I thought I told you about that.
-No, you didn't.
-OK, well, got plans so Out.
Get out.
Please.
Love you.
-I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark.
Could it be that your counsellor is trying to get you to speak to Margaret? I am speaking to Margaret.
Oh, good, then.
No, Danny -Yes, how are you today? -Don't make me speak to her! Yeah, I would like to book a table for four for Friday night.
Bright, B-R-I-G-haitch-T.
-Aitch.
Kayne, what's she like? She's just Oh Big statement.
She's the best I've ever had.
First time I saw her, I was like Wasn't I, Dad? She's a rare mix because she's hot and pretty.
And she's bound to turn a few heads, very quickly I might add, at this weekend's second round of the ANDRA Pro Series.
She's Lady Janis, Wheeler Racing's Kayne, I see you've got the fire resistant hood on, mate.
Does this mean you're finally going to step up and race for the family? No, I'm just keeping my head warm.
That's your mum's race one.
You know your skull's massive? -It is.
-I'll race before he bloody does.
-Kayne! Are we having a barbecue? -Don't try and be smart 'cause they're here.
It's a mechanic's apron.
It is, look.
Yeah, I got it online from The States.
Everyone everyone wears 'em there so The United States of America.
A win from this very popular team would see them from fifth to second in the overall points tally and set them up very nicely indeed for the winter nationals at Willowbank She's hot! -Don't be disgusting.
She's your aunty.
-Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting.
Cool.
-Are you serious? It's not cool that we're related to them.
It's embarrassing.
-It is not! They're famous because they race cars.
That is so awesome.
-Get out of my room.
I said What did you just do? I Facebooked it.
-'How hot is my cousin'? You can't do that.
But how come I just did? I don't want everyone knowing that I'm related to them.
I told them I was related to them.
Oh, my God.
Get out of my room.
You know that you're exactly like Kayne.
I don't know why you need to see another fuckin' doctor anyway.
For her knee, you dum-dum.
Ow! What's he going to tell you that you don't already know? It's osteoarthritis.
Case closed.
He's more than a doctor.
He's an orthopaedic surgeon.
On Yahoo Answers, they said it was pointless to operate.
Yeah, well, we don't know that everything on the Internet's right.
I think it is.
Yeah, the answers are posted by people who've actually been through this stuff themselves.
Not some smartarse doctor who's after your money who's trying to con you into an operation.
No-one's conning us into anything.
He's a colleague of Bess's, Amber.
He must be alright.
Oh, well, if Bess thinks he's alright Hey, your mum's in pain, remember.
Shawn! We have to go! Mum, can I borrow some money for petrol? I won't make it to work.
Brianna, can you put that $50 back? It's all I've got.
I'll pay you back on Thursday.
No, I need it today.
I thought you said it wasn't going to cost anything.
No, no, the doctor isn't going to cost anything.
But we thought we'd take Bess out for lunch to say thank you for organising it.
Just give her a hug.
You taken your selfish pills this morning, Brianna? I think you have because you're being very selfish.
Imagine if they really made selfish pills.
Seriously, Bess is so nice that she wouldn't expect you to do anything You've met her once! OK, OK, stop there.
I am taking Bess out for lunch and I am doing it with my $50.
Then I'll take the MasterCard.
Is this one 6-7-9-2? I told all of you to stop using the bloody credit cards.
We're full up! How am I supposed to get to work? Go with Amber and Shawn.
You're next to the school.
She listens to Nova.
I listen to Fox.
Brianna, that is no reason to take two cars.
Yes, it is.
Well, she's tired because we've had a very big session and so's she.
But you keep up those nursery rhymes and I think you're going to have a great week, alright? OK.
See you, Matt.
See you, Ted.
Bye, Ming-Lee! Hi, Bess! I won't be long.
Hey, Ari.
How are you? I just thought you might like to eat some nice pies for lunch.
I bought them at that organicky place Bess likes.
Wow, Margaret.
You haven't stopped by with lunch for me since ever.
I just thought you might be tired of sandwiches.
It must get very boring, sitting around here every day.
Working.
-Mm.
-Running my business.
I can certainly see why you insist on staying at home.
Yeah, they're boxer shorts.
Just the same as shorts.
Just the same.
Would you have a problem if I were wearing shorts? See? I think better without pants.
Fine.
So Bess isn't around? -No.
-I thought today was her day off.
Yes.
So what's she up to today? Margaret, I really think you should give her a little bit of time to adjust.
It's nearly a month since I told her.
-Well, you didn't really tell her, did you? She sort of found out by accident.
I was wondering if you could get her to call me.
OK, look, I'm hoping this won't affect the organic pie situation but my advice to you is maybe don't call her every ten minutes.
Maybe just leave her alone and she, when she's ready, will come to you.
Margaret.
Oh, come on! Pies! Oh, dammit! That's terrific.
No, really, to feel so positive about seeing your birth parents again.
That's very encouraging.
Great.
And how have you been feeling otherwise? Fine.
Actually, I was feeling a little bit dizzy for a couple of days.
I thought I may have Meniere's Disease.
-Ooh! -But I think I'm just tired.
Oh, you can sneak one before the end, if you like.
A jelly bean.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
And what about Margaret? Have you spoken to her? Pardon? We were talking last week about the importance of you opening up to her.
Ah, that's right.
How vital it was for you to express to her about how upset you felt about her hiding your adoption for so long.
Yes! Yes? Hmm? Yes, you spoke to her? Uh, yes, I did.
Oh, that's fantastic! Actually, I might have a jelly bean.
To tell you the truth, I didn't think you'd be able to do it.
I thought that you might be so worried about upsetting her that you might choose to ignore her.
I'm not very good at reading people, am I? Actually, would you mind if I just drew my feelings for a while? Oh, sure.
Go ahead.
OK, that is an interesting choice.
Yeah, this is the problem area on Jules, just here.
Very, very stiff in the mornings before she's up and about.
No fluidity, you know? She couldn't, you know, move her leg back like that.
No way.
Or, like, you know Well, no-one can move their knee forwards.
I think you've just snapped its tendon.
I think you'd better see the doctor next.
Hope I can fix this.
Hang on.
Oh, Wayne, don't play with that.
You'll break it.
How'd you go? Osteoarthritis.
And? Oh, he didn't tell me anything different than the Yahoo Answers.
Did you tell him I had to change shifts to come here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because mostly we talked about you.
No, I'm just saying it sounds like a bit of a waste of time, you know.
Yeah, well, Bess is doing something nice for me.
I can't see any harm in that.
Come on, let's go! There you go.
Any niggles, take two aspirin.
Give me a call in the morning.
That'll be $385.
No, I think I fixed it.
For the appointment.
With Dr Simon.
Ah, 380 Are you sure? We didn't know we had to pay today.
Should have known.
The favour was getting us into this place, not getting it for free.
It's private.
Yeah, I'd want to keep it hush-hush at those prices too.
You can't claim it on Medicare.
What, none of it? Um Sure? Ah, 50 and 120 on that one.
And then 100 on that one and then 100 80.
one's dead.
Yeah, it's dead.
Have you got? Um Do the points 'cause we've got flybuys.
Oh, hi! How was it? Expens Good.
Really, really good.
He's really nice.
Oh, great.
Oh, well, you can tell me all about it at lunch.
How much for the quarter chicken and chips without the chicken? Are you sure I can't give you any money? Oh, don't be silly.
So, he really didn't think you needed surgery? No, no, no, no.
He basically said that I should just keep doing what I'm doing.
Did you make another appointment? No.
Bess, they haven't got any salad.
Are you happy with a potato cake? Oh! OK.
Wayne, she wanted salad.
Maybe you could ask them to put some lettuce and tomato on a plate.
No, no, I love potato cakes.
I hardly ever have them but Oh! Thanks, Wayne.
No worries.
Actually, could I have a bottle of water, please? No worries.
I'm really sorry about this.
This is not what we had in mind for lunch.
It's just, um, we were in a bit No, no, this is really nice.
These right here? I'm double-parked.
Maybe you should see another orthopod.
Another surgeon, for a second opinion.
I don't think so.
I've got another friend who's fantastic with Wayne, she wanted water in a bottle.
Did she? Yeah.
No, no.
I shouldn't be drinking bottled water, anyway.
Carbon footprint and all that.
Right? Um, anyway, I could arrange for you to see this friend, Maureen.
Tuck in, Jules.
You're just having chips? I thought the chicken looked a bit funny.
Oh.
Don't take any notice of him.
We're just not very hungry, are we? Oh.
Ah, so I can call this friend, Maureen, for you.
No, no, no, honestly, it's fine.
My knee is fine.
I really think that the fish oils are doing the trick.
She would be happy to see you.
I'll call her now.
No.
Um, I just really appreciate you making that appointment for me but I don't want you to make any more.
Oh.
Well.
Good.
That's good.
Thank you for filling in for Millie.
At least she didn't vomit while she was wearing the mask.
Seriously, you have to watch it.
It's the worst thing you'll ever see in your life.
Hey! Shouldn't you be in the goals, Millie? No So why didn't Edwina tell us? Oh, my God! Would you tell us if your family was straight out of a freak show? Dude, watch the video.
These people are disgusting.
Like from some mental reality show.
And her grandfather.
He's got like one eye.
Yeah.
And her cousins are total sluts.
Not in a good way.
Edwina knew if she told anyone about her family, she'd be asked to leave the school.
Millie? I thought you went home sick.
I just thought they'd be more grateful.
Well, what'd you expect them to do? Be more grateful.
Oh, I get it now.
Do you know what a consultation with Tony Simon costs? They got it for nothing.
You can't buy their affection, Bessie.
I am not trying to buy their affection.
Am I? Oh, my God.
Is that what I'm doing? Oh, no, they must have been so offended! 'Ooh, look at me, I'm a doctor.
I know all the other doctors.
I'm so rich, I can pay all your bills!' Is that what you said because that is pretty offensive.
I'm going to call them.
I should apologise.
Oh, you just got raw meat all over me! Baby, stop trying so hard.
I'm going to get gastroenteritis now.
Only if you lick your arm.
I just want them to like me.
Baby, baby, how could anybody not like you? I hate you, Mum! And she's bound to turn a few heads, very quickly I might add, at this weekend's second round of the ANDRA Pro Series.
Adam Smash reporting for I Want Speed! And no-one's speaking to you because of this? Tons of people are speaking to me.
I got 22 likes on Facebook.
That's because all your friends are retarded.
Oi! Edwina! If anyone's friends are retarded Oi! Sorry, developmentally delayed, it's yours, OK? Their behaviour is appalling.
I'm going to call the school.
No! You've already ruined my life enough.
Just tell him he has to take it down.
I'm not taking it down! Daddy, tell him he has to.
They are our family.
They're not my family.
Nanny Margaret is my family.
It's more complicated than that, Eddy.
Not for me, it's not.
I'm finding it pretty complicated.
Look, it's not my fault that you're adopted.
Nanny Margaret is still my grandmother.
No-one said that she wasn't.
Well, you're acting like she isn't.
We're not seeing her.
We're not even going to the French Film Festival.
Because I hate the French Film Festival! I only go because you can drink wine in the cinema, OK? And any place I can be around Margaret and drink wine is a place that works for me.
I knew that.
Yes! 23 likes! Can we go, Mum? When I finish this.
I told you, put that crap in the car.
It's going back to your dad's.
Doesn't all fit in the tray.
Doesn't all fit in the couch.
What am I, blind? Well, you won't give me my pocket money.
I said, ask your dad.
He only gives me 20% of what you do.
20%? Yeah, he worked it out 'cause I'm only there two days a fortnight.
That's 14%.
I know.
Don't tell him.
Bloody typical.
He's too stupid to rip me off properly.
I wanna go to his house now.
And I wanna go to a day spa now.
But if I don't sort these bills out, you won't be getting pocket money, you'll be getting a fuckin' full-time job.
Swear jar.
Oh, you're gonna Mm-hm.
Come on, mate.
It's in here somewhere.
It's quicker to have the tools laid out on the bench.
The apron is slowing you down.
Dad, it's from The States.
I don't care where it's from.
Brianna's used the bloody Bendigo Bank MasterCard after I told her not to.
Now we're overdrawn so we can kiss the loan application goodbye.
What are we going to do about the second engine? I'm gonna kill her! Calm down, Amber.
It wasn't Brianna.
If you have bought any more of those stupid bloody aprons Uh, hello! They're made in America.
We used the credit card.
Your dad and me.
Well, it IS ours.
Why? No, why are you eating that now? I'm starving! We're going to the restaurant in two minutes! You know, where they serve dinner? Yeah, dinner.
Not Weetbix.
Who was at the door? Hello, darling.
Hi.
Edwina and Margaret are off to the French Film Festival.
Oh, right.
Oh, I'd forgotten about that.
You look lovely.
How are you? Good, yes.
Very good.
I just have to get my bag.
My other bag.
This one's broken.
You went behind my back! Well, you wouldn't let me go with her.
Because you're supposed to be coming out to dinner with us.
And I still could, and Nanny Margaret could come.
Oh, have you invited anyone else I should know about? No, I don't want to come in.
OK.
Amber! Hi! Is everything OK? You got a fuckin' nerve.
Whoa! Oh.
Yep, OK.
No, it's OK.
What's wrong? Yeah, right.
Have I done something to upset you? You really think your shit doesn't stink, don't you? No.
I mean, yes.
I think my shit stinks.
Sorry, I'm not quite sure what I've done.
This is priceless.
OK, we're not like you.
We don't go and see fuckin' surgeons that cost 400 bucks a throw to tell us absolutely nothing.
Ah, OK.
I'm sorry about that.
I was disappointed too.
I offered to organise another doctor.
Are you drunk? No Do you think we have that kind of money? No, no, you wouldn't Did you get charged for that visit with Tony Simon? He doesn't take Medicare.
Oh, no, no, no.
That wasn't supposed to happen.
He was doing me a favour.
Oh, that's why Julie didn't have any money for lunch.
Why didn't she just tell me? -Why would she? She doesn't even know you.
Just wait there.
Would you, ah, would you like to come in? No? Just a sec.
-Everything OK? -Tony Simon charged them.
Have you got a couple of hundred? Not on me.
I could go to the bank.
Mum? Can I borrow some cash? Amber needs some money from me.
I wondered how long it would be before this happened.
How much is she after? Will she pay it back? -She is my sister.
Her name is Amber.
Alright, will Amber pay you back? -Sorry, um, what do you mean, you wondered how long before this would happen, hmm? When did you wonder that? Ten years ago, or 20 years ago? Or 38 years ago when you decided never to tell me that I was adopted.
Oh, is that why you didn't tell me? Because you thought that my real family would be after my money? Oh, OK! Well, yeah, guess that makes sense, then.
Lying to me my entire life about who I am and where I come from because you imagined this exact scenario.
Well, guess what? Amber is not after my money so maybe the lying wasn't worth it.
Maybe you just made a terrible mistake because you're a complete bitch! OK, who wants to race upstairs and look at pictures of kittens? I'll be back in a minute.
Do you want me to come? No, no.
I would like you to stay here with our children, hmm? You are not going anywhere with her.
I'll drive us to the ATM.
Amber, it was a misunderstanding.
Wayne and Julie weren't meant to pay for anything.
I want to give you the money.
Good.
-But if you think I'm gonna be seen dead in this poncy two-litre shitbox, you can think again.
Too fuckin' close.
I work for a bank.
I know about people stealing PINs.
OK, well, thank you for the lift, Amber.
And I know I've said it already but I am really sorry.
Tell Julie that I'll call her to explain.
-What? -Tell Julie No, don't worry.
Have a good weekend with your dad, Shawnie.
Aren't you forgetting something? -Oh! Sorry.
Bye! I think I'm handling this whole adoption thing really well.
Don't you? -Yeah.
I think you should write a book.
Does Edwina hate me? 'Course not.
She's confused.
SHE'S confused.
Nanny Marg Oh.
Hi.
Sorry, I thought you were my grandmother.
I'd better start buying a better face cream.
The people at the Ponds Institute clearly aren't working hard enough.
Do you want to come in? Oh, just give this to your mum.
Tell her she gave me 50 bucks too much.
Geez, you and your brother are twins, yeah? You don't look like him.
You don't look like your brother.
If I looked like him, I'd need more than face cream.
I'd need some kind of transplant.
We're just lucky we got the good looks, eh? Did you switch that to fuckin' Fox? -Chinese is on its way.
So what happened to Margaret? -Well, you know, she came over all Scarlet O'Hara and told the children she hoped she would see them one day soon and sort of swept out of the room.
She may have been wearing a cloak.
Was she crying? Baby, you said what you needed to say.
Well, I didn't need to say she was a bitch.
No, you're right.
That speaks for itself.
Mum, Amber said you gave her too much.
Oh.
Did she swear at you? -No.
She was kind of funny.
-Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry that everything's confusing.
-I'm sorry I went behind your back.
I just feel bad that we made Nanny Margaret waste her ticket.
She'll be fine.
I'll call her tomorrow.
You came.
Thank you.
No, they're both for me.