Vice Principals (2016) s02e04 Episode Script
Think Change
1 Lee and I have some issues to discuss.
Open or closed? - Open.
- Closed.
He he said to do closed.
You all are probably wondering why I'm sitting with you.
Lee Russell is an asshole.
- No shit.
- Not exactly breaking news, Gamby.
He's got me substitute teaching history class.
Did you even go to college? [SCOFFS.]
Yes, I went to college.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
What were your SAT scores.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Uh, I think my SA scores are none of your business.
The teachers definitely hate you.
They mock you at every turn.
King Ding-a Ling.
- I made it my wallpaper.
- [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I am the Principal.
Well, I was supposed to be principal too, so Yes Then you got shot.
You were broken, and I brought you back.
BOY: Most mischievous foul sin What a life is this, that your poor friends must woo your company? GIRL: A fool, a fool! I met a fool in the forest, a motley fool, in a miserable world! [DIALOGUE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
All right.
Listen, listen, listen, listen! My good friend Joni Mitchell once said, "Laughing and crying" And shut up, Maggie! "is the same release.
" [STUDENTS CHATTERING.]
Think, think, think, think, think, think.
GAMBY: Seychelles! Seychelles! Where are you, big boy? Seychelles! [SINGSONGY.]
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Seychelles.
Seychelles.
I see you in that red hat! Get out here, right now! Russell says so.
Have a heart.
I have all this work to do, you know that.
Seychelles You don't understand! You're not an artist! Get the fuck out! - [MEN SHOUTING ORDERS.]
- [CLAMORING.]
WOMAN: Move it, ladies! [CLAMORING CONTINUES.]
If we are passionate, there is nothing we cannot accomplish.
Power is speed and force.
Let's go! These guys are working the teachers like Hebrew slaves.
SweatDogs are the best team-building company in the world.
They've even done it for Japanese corporations.
[GRUNTS, SOBS.]
Look at Seychelles's ass.
Flustered, sweating, and looking like a bitch.
- What are you doing? - Don't look at me.
- Get up.
We don't fall over.
- Don't look at me.
On your feet, sir! SEYCHELLES: I can't do it.
It's too heavy.
It's too heavy? Well, we've identified the weak one.
The man in the infinity scarf.
That's how you keep people in line, Gamby.
You push them to the limits.
That's enough.
He's trying his best.
Break them down to nothing.
I think you should get back to doing - what you were doing.
- Don't touch me.
And rebuild them into whatever you want.
Pretty diabolical there, boss.
It's good to be the King.
[SCREAMS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
What I just witnessed: The most obnoxious, arrogant, out-of-shape group of teachers that I have ever seen in my life.
And we work with the Special Olympics! Well, why do you think I fuckin' called you? Huh? You got your fuckin' berets.
You got your tank tops.
Isn't it to whip people into shape? WOMAN: Don't worry, don't worry.
We like to implement involuntary reeducation of basic beliefs and values to adjust to your institution's philosophy.
- Hmm.
So brainwashing.
- It's not brainwashing.
We call it Think-change.
Shawn came up with that term.
I used to be fat as fuck, but I had to change my lifestyle and my mindset to get jacked and pumped.
Think-change.
- You, my friend, are fuckin' cool! - You're damn right.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- What, Janice? Can't you see I'm talking to these SweatDogs? Oh, I'm very sorry to - interrupt.
- Then why are you interrupting? Your wife called, and, um, it's urgent.
So, what's the emergency, Russell? My father passed away.
Aw, shit.
I'm sorry, Russell.
Were you guys close? No.
He was a Navy captain, my daddy.
A fuckin' man's man.
[SIGHS.]
He showered my two older sisters with all the affection.
They grew up to be tomboys, interested in sports and cars.
He was always more proud of them than he ever was of me.
That's tough.
That's real tough.
I know how it is.
Really? Your father was an asshole who looked down on you too? I mean not really.
Actually, he supported me in all my endeavors, was there for me pretty much every step of the way.
What the fuck? You have no fuckin' idea what I'm going through, Gamby! Well, I still really, really pity you.
Is there anything I can do? Yes.
I need you to run Jackson while I'm gone.
For a day.
You think you can do that without fuckin' it up? Trust me, okay? I can handle anything.
Can you handle these lazy, fuckin' teachers? - Yeah.
- Don't let them get out of the team-building workshops either.
I paid these SweatDogs good money to beat them into submission.
If they participate, you write them up.
- Mandatory attendance.
Got it.
Easy.
- And a fine.
And a fine.
Look at that.
Come tomorrow, you will be principal of North Jackson High School.
For a day.
It'll be nice to see your sisters again.
We haven't seen them in ages.
Their boys must be all grown up by now.
All four of their kids together look like a retarded Hitler youth group.
Oh, fuck, no! Christine, I have a white stain on my special black funeral suit! It's so small, you can hardly notice it.
My sisters notice everything.
Lynn will say that this looks like dried-up cum, and Lacey will say that it is dried-up cum.
You know how my sisters are towards me, Christine! Yeah, but everything's closed.
- Nothing's open now.
- But Nobody's going to be noticing your suit.
You're there to celebrate your father's life.
It doesn't look like dried-up cum.
Okay.
God damn it.
BOTH: with liberty and justice for all.
Unbelievable.
Good morning, boss for the day.
Principal Gamby.
- What do you two think you are doing? - We just raised the flag, getting the doors open for business.
You don't think I would have wanted to raise the flag, Nash? Russell usually does it, but we didn't know that you were [BABBLES.]
Listen to what you're saying, okay, Nash.
Russell usually does it because he's the principal.
What am I today? I'm the principal, Nash.
Of course I want to raise the flag! And why are you wearing a hat when you're pledging allegiance, Nash? The one fuckin' time I've ever seen you with a hat, and it's when you're raising the flag.
You guys suck beans at being patriots.
Mr.
Gamby, you have a nine o'clock with Harold in maintenance, and then you have a 9:30 phone call with the district, and then after lunch, you have a meeting with student government.
Oh, and, um, here's the checklist of all the teachers doing new curriculum proposals.
You're about to give me a fuckin' panic attack, and I'm just starting to get situated, okay.
Don't be fuckin' with my head! I'm sorry, um You have about seven minutes until morning announcements.
I have to do that? It'll be fun.
Okay.
This is a teleprompter.
Can you read okay? - These are the words that I'm to say? - Yes, it is.
- Okay.
Easy fine.
Cinch.
- Okay.
I'm gonna give you a countdown and we're gonna start.
Three.
Two.
Two, one.
One.
Three, two, one, to do what? To do what? To do the thing? I'm ready.
- GIRL: Go! - GAMBY: Fine.
Shut up.
Oh shit, Mr.
Gamby on TV.
Hey! Good afternoon, ladies.
GIRL: Tigers.
- Tigers.
- I'm Principal Namby - [LAUGHTER.]
Robotics Club is canceling their monthly meetings next Thursday, so, no reason to go to the meetings, 'cause no one who does robots is going to be there.
Uh, today, is Miranda Clarke and Ricky Leache's birthday.
It's a special time to have a birthday, to be able to celebrate with your friends.
Mr.
Gamby looks like he's having a stroke.
Uh, faculty is reminded that today after school, team-building with the SweatDogs will continue.
Attendance is mandatory.
And in the final words of every the stuff for the morning announcements, is that there is no fear of anything slipping through the cracks while Lee Russell is gone, because I am here, the principal that everyone knows that I can be, so that the school is in the best hands that can ever to be in.
Okay, anyway.
Do I have to say that's it? Cut.
Will someone say cut? I'm sitting here fuckin' sweating my face off.
I don't know if this is going to the fuckin' [SCHOOL BELL CHIMES.]
[VOICES MURMURING.]
RUSSELL: Okay, Momma.
Oh, let's go sit down in your favorite chair.
You look so good! I used to rock you in this chair.
[SPEAKING KOREAN.]
Not-not now, Mi-Cha.
Mi-Cha, please! Just go to the snack table, please.
Okay? Just There's some Please.
If you need anything, Momma, please, just let me know.
I'm just so glad you came, son.
I didn't think you would.
Momma, why would you think that? CHRISTINE: Look who I found.
Lee! Wow.
You actually came.
We didn't think you'd make it.
Hi.
I'm not so sure why everybody thought that I wasn't coming? That's just crazy.
Well, you never called, or texted, or e-mailed, so what did you expect us to think? Well, I would expect you both to think that I would show up to my own daddy's funeral.
- Stop trying to make me look bad, okay? - Lee Russell.
Don't you start up again, not here.
Shep! Tripp! Come and say hi to your uncle.
- Yeah, Arliss, Wyatt, get in here.
- Come on.
Get in here.
Hey, Uncle Lee.
You came after all.
After Lynn and I finish speaking at Dad's ceremony, they are going to play a tribute on their guitars.
Been practicing for weeks.
Oh my God, you look like a Christian rock band.
So, everybody has a part in the ceremony, except for me? We didn't think you cared.
We assumed you wouldn't want to.
Momma, would you like a nice cold cup of iced tea? Yeah, I'll get you some, I'll get you some.
I got it.
Lee, I got it.
Lee, I got - Stop Aah! - Fine.
- Whatever.
- I'm sorry, Momma.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, Momma.
Boys! Get [SIGHS.]
Can we speak to you for a moment, Lee? No.
Why are you acting like a little bitch? Look, we've got enough going on here with the funeral and moving Momma into a nursing home.
Momma's moving into a nursing home? Well, that's news to me.
Of course it's news to you.
You're never around! Why do you think we packed up all of Dad's stuff? Yeah, I'm claiming his China, his comfy chair, - and his old Navy magazines.
- That's right.
And I've got his DVDs and his rifle.
Well, did you think that maybe I would want some of his magazines or his rifles? Just 'cause you two French-kissed his asshole his whole fuckin' life - Excuse me? - Excuse me! I get some stuff too.
And you know what? - I'm going to start right here - No, you're not gonna start anything.
Lee! Stop it! That is mine! I fuckin' claimed it! - You're so funny.
You're so funny.
- You should back off.
I don't even want that.
- It's so stupid.
- You know what's funny? Is your fuckin' face, your fuckin' little pig face.
- See this? - Whatever.
- It's mine.
- Fine.
His model airplane.
Oh, no you don't.
Hands off! Those are for our kids.
Don't you think your kids are a little bit old to be playing with model airplanes? You don't even have kids.
That's 'cause he's shooting blanks.
Uh-oh, Lynn.
Her blood is boiling.
Oh yeah, she's gonna throw a hissy fit.
What, are you getting all all red? - Are you getting red? - Oh that's so funny, - you calling me "she" again.
- Look at that.
Why don't you get some new fuckin' material, all right? Lee Jesus, what? - What is that stain on your pants, Lee? - Oh yeah, that looks like cum.
- I don't have - Did you cum on yourself again? No, no, no, no! No, no! No, no, no! - No, no, no! No! - [SHRIEKING LAUGHTER.]
LYNN: Dirty little boy! Please No! No.
No, Lacey, Lacey.
Please, no! Open the door.
Open the door, please? You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you! When you say venison, it has to have all the sadness of the exile in that word.
Sh-Come! Shall we go kill us some venison? SEYCHELLES: Oh, shit.
Mr.
Geal Namby.
Your video announcements would have been the highlight of my morning, but you choked, as we actors say.
Where are the curriculum proposals that Russell asked for yesterday? Excuse me if the proposals are a little bit tardy.
Russell has been running us ragged, stressing everybody out.
Oh, give me a break.
You're a grown man who prances around in tights.
What the hell do you have to do? Gamby.
You're not gonna make us stay after school with the SweatDogs? They're not human.
They threatened to waterboard me yesterday.
You're going, Seychelles, okay? So, he dreams it up, you execute it, like a little puppet man coming to fuck us.
You better watch your tone.
I'm the principal, do you hear me? [GIGGLING.]
You're not the principal! You're just a flimsy cardboard cutout of a principal.
You're just a two-bit thespian.
- Stand-in.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Queen for a day.
- Seychelles, that's enough! Get back in there and teach these children how to play make-pretend.
Just like you're making-pretend to be principal.
Fuck you.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
Fuck you.
[SCOFFS.]
[LOUD CLATTERING.]
Adolescent behavior.
[TUNING GUITARS.]
What is the matter? Why are you so upset? They're putting you in a home, Momma, a terrible, awful, nursing home.
It's my idea.
I don't want to live in this big old house all by myself.
I want to be with people my own age.
They have brainwashed you, Momma.
It breaks my heart to think of you in a place like that where the orderlies molest all the seniors.
Stop.
Lynn and Lacey are rotten human beings, Momma.
I wish that they had died instead of Daddy.
Don't you go cursing your sisters like that.
I know you don't get along with them and I know why, 'cause you think Daddy liked them better.
Well, maybe, I do, yes, but we will never know if that's true or not, Momma.
No, it's true.
He loved them more.
- Your sisters are mean.
- Yeah.
They tease you, they strip off your clothes.
Do you think I'm blind? I know that.
But they were never being sneaky like you.
You told lies, lies that stung.
Daddy didn't like that, even if they caused it.
Make your daddy proud of you for once.
You're right, Momma.
I'm I'm sorry.
Oh! - I love you.
- I love you.
Back it up.
Hey, Mr.
Gamby, those teachers hate them SweatDogs more than they hate your ass.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, shit.
Gamby, this is getting ridiculous.
The SweatDogs want us to record when we throw out our lunches now.
And they're harassing us about our diets.
Shh.
SweatDogs are coming.
- What? Ridiculous.
- Ms.
Snodgrass.
Mrs.
Deets.
Lunchtime is over.
There is no time for stop and chat.
Is this normal behavior, Mr.
Gamby.
The stop and chats? Uh, I mean Yeah, the teachers usually do chitchat - after lunch.
- That is your fault.
I blame you.
You are enabling this behavior.
Look, I know about being a leader too.
I mean, it's like, the main part of my job, like being productive, and and being leader.
- We do the same thing.
- Incorrect, Mr.
Gamby.
You don't do what we do.
Because if you did what we do, we wouldn't be here.
Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah.
But I'm not sure if you're seeing what I'm saying, which is, I also specialize in leadership too.
Show me.
Show us.
Be the leader that you say you are.
Get these underlings back to work.
I want to see.
[MUTTERS.]
Okay, yeah, well Women Come, come, women, now.
Enough with the small talk, okay? It's time to get back to your places.
That was pathetic.
Bark at them.
Go on! I said, go on now.
Get to class, the both of you.
- You got - Bark at them.
Bark at them! Go Bark at them! God damn it! Get back to your fuckin' classes right now! Go! [STOMPS FOOT.]
Shoo! Get on, varmints! [HISSES.]
It's not about being nice, ladies.
It's about being leadership.
- I like it! - See, I told you guys.
I can do this.
- Fantastic! - Yeah! Are you going to stand here like an asshole or you going to get back to work yourself? Yeah, of course I'm gonna get back to work.
Come on.
Don't trip.
See you, SweatDogs.
[GUITARS PLAYING.]
[BOYS SINGING SOFTLY.]
[WHIMPERS.]
I hate my sisters so much.
They made me look like a fuckin' loser in my daddy's eyes.
Fuck that! I should expose them.
What do you mean by expose? I used to read all their diaries.
I know their deepest, darkest secrets.
They don't want me speaking at the ceremony? Well, tough shit.
I will put them on blast.
I will let the world know what deceitful little cunts they are.
This is about celebrating your dad's life, not waging war against your sisters.
Please, my brain is working, Christine.
What's this I'm hearing about a consultancy firm that Lee hired? Lee hired a consulting firm? Uh, yeah, the SweatDogs.
The what? SweatDogs? They are a world-renowned outfit.
You know, they do Fortune 500 companies, - teach team-building.
- Look, all I know is, I'm getting bombed with complaints from frustrated teachers about this being the cherry on top of an impossible workload.
I mean, this wasn't in the budget.
Why wasn't I informed? Would you mind if I make a quick phone call? I can find out.
I would love for you to check on this.
Okay, I'm going to leave, then I'm going to be right back.
That would be a swell idea, and be right back with that information.
I'll find out the answers.
- Be right back.
- Be right back if you can.
Out.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
Well, you didn't fuck everything up already, did you, Gamby? No! I'm calling about the SweatDogs.
The teachers complained to Haas and now he's over here flipping out! Saying this thing wasn't approved and it's not in the fuckin' budget.
Just fuckin' calm down.
Just lie to the man.
Look, man, lies might slide easily off your oily lips, but I'm not like you.
Which is why you are a goober who couldn't hack it as a principal.
Don't give me that shit.
It's not like you're having your fair share of problems.
You're pushing the teachers too far.
Don't you tell me how to run my school.
Just tell Haas that the SweatDogs are doing it pro gratis.
That means free, dummy.
No way.
No way.
I'm not going to sit here and just bald-face lie to Superintendent Haas.
Well, then I will find someone who will! God damn it.
Hey! Principal for a day! Fuck off, Willows.
- I'm back.
- [CRUNCHES.]
Sir, I think I got to the bottom of this whole SweatDogs thing.
SweatDogs.
It would appear that they are doing their services for us pro gracias, uh, which means for free.
- Hmm.
Free, huh? - Yeah.
Hmm.
I gotta tell you something.
I've never seen morale so low around here.
What, with all that's befallen this school, it's like North Jackson's lost its will to live, Gamby.
[CRUNCHES.]
But, hey maybe Lee has finally come up with something to turn it all around.
- You think? - Yeah, I hope so.
SWEATDOG: Here I am! TEACHERS: Here I am! - Here you are! - Here you are! - Here we are! - Here we are! - I move forward! - We move forward! - We are a team! - We are a team! Gamby, this is some weird stuff.
On the ground.
On your face! You have a problem with authority, sir? - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! BOYS: Here I am, Lord Is it I, Lord? I have heard you Calling in the night I will go there If you lead me I will hold Your people in my heart BOTH: We're going to miss you, Daddy.
I love you, Daddy.
[WHISPERS.]
No.
[SISTERS MUTTERING.]
No.
Lee [SCUFFLING.]
[MUTTERING.]
RUSSELL: Excuse me.
Hello.
Thank you, thank you Thank you.
Uh, I just, I wanted to say a few words, so Uh My daddy, always spent a hell of a lot more time with my sisters than he ever did with me.
But he didn't know what I've always known about them.
Which is Whi-Which is [LEE SIGHS.]
That they were the luckiest girls in the world to have had a father like him.
One of my fondest memories of Daddy was helping him build his, his model airplanes.
If, uh I would hand him the wrong part and he would say: "No, Lee! Damn it! "You need to focus.
You need to pay attention," and I would hand him the right part and he would just nod.
I cherish those times.
Because it meant that he cared enough about me to teach me how to improve myself, how to strive for the best, how to reach for the top.
That's what he instilled in me.
I wish that he could see my life now.
I have a a beautiful wife, Christine, and my well, my Korean mother-in-law, Mi-Cha.
I take care of her.
And I have a Well, I have a very nice home.
I'm-I'm even the the principal of my very own school.
He would be proud of me.
I think he would.
Because I I, too, reached the top, like he like he did.
Bye-bye, Daddy.
Move it.
Let's go.
- Go, go, go.
Move it! - [COUGHS.]
- SWEATDOG: What are you doing? - I need water.
- What? - I need some water.
SWEATDOG: No water for anyone until this weakling finishes the exercise.
I'm just a drama teacher, you guys.
I can't do this.
Well, then, maybe, it is time you be just a drama teacher someplace else, because it is teachers with a limited view of themselves that is keeping this place from reaching its full potential.
This place is the bottom of the barrel.
Why? Because of you.
Because of you and you and you and you and you.
Yes, you specifically, and you and you.
Yes, you and you - and you - No! That's enough! That's enough right there.
Get up, Seychelles, come on.
Excuse me, Mr.
Gamby.
What are you doing? I'm giving the drama teacher a glass of water, okay? Here.
Actually, can I have a San Pelligrino? My stomach You don't know the first thing about what's wrong with this school.
Mm.
Okay, fine, yes.
Teachers can be lazy.
They can be bitch-ass complainers.
But these aren't just any teachers.
These are North Jackson teachers.
So take Seychelles, for instance, okay? He took a one act play all the way to the state competition.
It came in third, but still, he got us to states.
And then there's Ms.
Deets.
She did this thing with her class, uh, Pottery for Poverty.
- It raised more money - You're not going to start listing off a bunch of bullshit achievements of your staff right now, are you? How sentimental and uninspired from the vice principal.
You see, after watching, how you've handled these people today, it makes complete sense that you would never, ever, get this job for real.
You're a loser who commands no respect, whatsoever.
Fuck you! Fuck you.
- I respect him.
- Oh.
This school has had worse.
Guess what? You guys can blow it out your dicks.
Wow, let's see, that's three teachers.
[GIGGLES.]
I see.
How about you three take your berets, your kettlebells, and your yoga mats and shove them up your ass.
I'm the principal, I call the shots, so get the fuck out of here right now! No, Shawn.
It's fine.
We've billed them.
They've paid.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em all.
Come, on.
Good riddance, Sweat Dicks.
See ya, She-Ra.
[GUFFAWS.]
Let's go.
Let's go.
[MUTTERS.]
Get movin'.
- MAN: Yeah! - [CHEERING.]
Gamby! Go, Gamby! GAMBY: Don't tell Russell.
Don't tell Russell, okay? Seriously, don't tell him what happened.
Good-bye.
Daddy, I will miss you.
MOMMA: Thank you.
Good to see you, Larry.
I so appreciate it, I really do.
Let us know if you need anything, okay? Thank you.
- [MI-CHA SPEAKING KOREAN.]
- I'll meet you in the car.
So nice to see you.
Take my bags to the car, Mi-Cha.
Hey, Lee.
Good speech.
The boys are still getting the airplanes.
I hope you're not going to make a big federal case about us taking them? Don't worry, I won't.
I've let it go.
You guys are my family.
Are you serious? You're not going to throw a hissy fit or a tantrum? - [SIGHS.]
- No? Momma.
You made me so proud of you today.
And I bet you made your daddy proud too.
Now you be a good man from now on, okay? Just don't tell any more lies.
I'm not that kind of person anymore, Momma.
I am a principal and I have principals.
Open or closed? - Open.
- Closed.
He he said to do closed.
You all are probably wondering why I'm sitting with you.
Lee Russell is an asshole.
- No shit.
- Not exactly breaking news, Gamby.
He's got me substitute teaching history class.
Did you even go to college? [SCOFFS.]
Yes, I went to college.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
What were your SAT scores.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Uh, I think my SA scores are none of your business.
The teachers definitely hate you.
They mock you at every turn.
King Ding-a Ling.
- I made it my wallpaper.
- [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I am the Principal.
Well, I was supposed to be principal too, so Yes Then you got shot.
You were broken, and I brought you back.
BOY: Most mischievous foul sin What a life is this, that your poor friends must woo your company? GIRL: A fool, a fool! I met a fool in the forest, a motley fool, in a miserable world! [DIALOGUE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
All right.
Listen, listen, listen, listen! My good friend Joni Mitchell once said, "Laughing and crying" And shut up, Maggie! "is the same release.
" [STUDENTS CHATTERING.]
Think, think, think, think, think, think.
GAMBY: Seychelles! Seychelles! Where are you, big boy? Seychelles! [SINGSONGY.]
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Seychelles.
Seychelles.
I see you in that red hat! Get out here, right now! Russell says so.
Have a heart.
I have all this work to do, you know that.
Seychelles You don't understand! You're not an artist! Get the fuck out! - [MEN SHOUTING ORDERS.]
- [CLAMORING.]
WOMAN: Move it, ladies! [CLAMORING CONTINUES.]
If we are passionate, there is nothing we cannot accomplish.
Power is speed and force.
Let's go! These guys are working the teachers like Hebrew slaves.
SweatDogs are the best team-building company in the world.
They've even done it for Japanese corporations.
[GRUNTS, SOBS.]
Look at Seychelles's ass.
Flustered, sweating, and looking like a bitch.
- What are you doing? - Don't look at me.
- Get up.
We don't fall over.
- Don't look at me.
On your feet, sir! SEYCHELLES: I can't do it.
It's too heavy.
It's too heavy? Well, we've identified the weak one.
The man in the infinity scarf.
That's how you keep people in line, Gamby.
You push them to the limits.
That's enough.
He's trying his best.
Break them down to nothing.
I think you should get back to doing - what you were doing.
- Don't touch me.
And rebuild them into whatever you want.
Pretty diabolical there, boss.
It's good to be the King.
[SCREAMS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
What I just witnessed: The most obnoxious, arrogant, out-of-shape group of teachers that I have ever seen in my life.
And we work with the Special Olympics! Well, why do you think I fuckin' called you? Huh? You got your fuckin' berets.
You got your tank tops.
Isn't it to whip people into shape? WOMAN: Don't worry, don't worry.
We like to implement involuntary reeducation of basic beliefs and values to adjust to your institution's philosophy.
- Hmm.
So brainwashing.
- It's not brainwashing.
We call it Think-change.
Shawn came up with that term.
I used to be fat as fuck, but I had to change my lifestyle and my mindset to get jacked and pumped.
Think-change.
- You, my friend, are fuckin' cool! - You're damn right.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- What, Janice? Can't you see I'm talking to these SweatDogs? Oh, I'm very sorry to - interrupt.
- Then why are you interrupting? Your wife called, and, um, it's urgent.
So, what's the emergency, Russell? My father passed away.
Aw, shit.
I'm sorry, Russell.
Were you guys close? No.
He was a Navy captain, my daddy.
A fuckin' man's man.
[SIGHS.]
He showered my two older sisters with all the affection.
They grew up to be tomboys, interested in sports and cars.
He was always more proud of them than he ever was of me.
That's tough.
That's real tough.
I know how it is.
Really? Your father was an asshole who looked down on you too? I mean not really.
Actually, he supported me in all my endeavors, was there for me pretty much every step of the way.
What the fuck? You have no fuckin' idea what I'm going through, Gamby! Well, I still really, really pity you.
Is there anything I can do? Yes.
I need you to run Jackson while I'm gone.
For a day.
You think you can do that without fuckin' it up? Trust me, okay? I can handle anything.
Can you handle these lazy, fuckin' teachers? - Yeah.
- Don't let them get out of the team-building workshops either.
I paid these SweatDogs good money to beat them into submission.
If they participate, you write them up.
- Mandatory attendance.
Got it.
Easy.
- And a fine.
And a fine.
Look at that.
Come tomorrow, you will be principal of North Jackson High School.
For a day.
It'll be nice to see your sisters again.
We haven't seen them in ages.
Their boys must be all grown up by now.
All four of their kids together look like a retarded Hitler youth group.
Oh, fuck, no! Christine, I have a white stain on my special black funeral suit! It's so small, you can hardly notice it.
My sisters notice everything.
Lynn will say that this looks like dried-up cum, and Lacey will say that it is dried-up cum.
You know how my sisters are towards me, Christine! Yeah, but everything's closed.
- Nothing's open now.
- But Nobody's going to be noticing your suit.
You're there to celebrate your father's life.
It doesn't look like dried-up cum.
Okay.
God damn it.
BOTH: with liberty and justice for all.
Unbelievable.
Good morning, boss for the day.
Principal Gamby.
- What do you two think you are doing? - We just raised the flag, getting the doors open for business.
You don't think I would have wanted to raise the flag, Nash? Russell usually does it, but we didn't know that you were [BABBLES.]
Listen to what you're saying, okay, Nash.
Russell usually does it because he's the principal.
What am I today? I'm the principal, Nash.
Of course I want to raise the flag! And why are you wearing a hat when you're pledging allegiance, Nash? The one fuckin' time I've ever seen you with a hat, and it's when you're raising the flag.
You guys suck beans at being patriots.
Mr.
Gamby, you have a nine o'clock with Harold in maintenance, and then you have a 9:30 phone call with the district, and then after lunch, you have a meeting with student government.
Oh, and, um, here's the checklist of all the teachers doing new curriculum proposals.
You're about to give me a fuckin' panic attack, and I'm just starting to get situated, okay.
Don't be fuckin' with my head! I'm sorry, um You have about seven minutes until morning announcements.
I have to do that? It'll be fun.
Okay.
This is a teleprompter.
Can you read okay? - These are the words that I'm to say? - Yes, it is.
- Okay.
Easy fine.
Cinch.
- Okay.
I'm gonna give you a countdown and we're gonna start.
Three.
Two.
Two, one.
One.
Three, two, one, to do what? To do what? To do the thing? I'm ready.
- GIRL: Go! - GAMBY: Fine.
Shut up.
Oh shit, Mr.
Gamby on TV.
Hey! Good afternoon, ladies.
GIRL: Tigers.
- Tigers.
- I'm Principal Namby - [LAUGHTER.]
Robotics Club is canceling their monthly meetings next Thursday, so, no reason to go to the meetings, 'cause no one who does robots is going to be there.
Uh, today, is Miranda Clarke and Ricky Leache's birthday.
It's a special time to have a birthday, to be able to celebrate with your friends.
Mr.
Gamby looks like he's having a stroke.
Uh, faculty is reminded that today after school, team-building with the SweatDogs will continue.
Attendance is mandatory.
And in the final words of every the stuff for the morning announcements, is that there is no fear of anything slipping through the cracks while Lee Russell is gone, because I am here, the principal that everyone knows that I can be, so that the school is in the best hands that can ever to be in.
Okay, anyway.
Do I have to say that's it? Cut.
Will someone say cut? I'm sitting here fuckin' sweating my face off.
I don't know if this is going to the fuckin' [SCHOOL BELL CHIMES.]
[VOICES MURMURING.]
RUSSELL: Okay, Momma.
Oh, let's go sit down in your favorite chair.
You look so good! I used to rock you in this chair.
[SPEAKING KOREAN.]
Not-not now, Mi-Cha.
Mi-Cha, please! Just go to the snack table, please.
Okay? Just There's some Please.
If you need anything, Momma, please, just let me know.
I'm just so glad you came, son.
I didn't think you would.
Momma, why would you think that? CHRISTINE: Look who I found.
Lee! Wow.
You actually came.
We didn't think you'd make it.
Hi.
I'm not so sure why everybody thought that I wasn't coming? That's just crazy.
Well, you never called, or texted, or e-mailed, so what did you expect us to think? Well, I would expect you both to think that I would show up to my own daddy's funeral.
- Stop trying to make me look bad, okay? - Lee Russell.
Don't you start up again, not here.
Shep! Tripp! Come and say hi to your uncle.
- Yeah, Arliss, Wyatt, get in here.
- Come on.
Get in here.
Hey, Uncle Lee.
You came after all.
After Lynn and I finish speaking at Dad's ceremony, they are going to play a tribute on their guitars.
Been practicing for weeks.
Oh my God, you look like a Christian rock band.
So, everybody has a part in the ceremony, except for me? We didn't think you cared.
We assumed you wouldn't want to.
Momma, would you like a nice cold cup of iced tea? Yeah, I'll get you some, I'll get you some.
I got it.
Lee, I got it.
Lee, I got - Stop Aah! - Fine.
- Whatever.
- I'm sorry, Momma.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, Momma.
Boys! Get [SIGHS.]
Can we speak to you for a moment, Lee? No.
Why are you acting like a little bitch? Look, we've got enough going on here with the funeral and moving Momma into a nursing home.
Momma's moving into a nursing home? Well, that's news to me.
Of course it's news to you.
You're never around! Why do you think we packed up all of Dad's stuff? Yeah, I'm claiming his China, his comfy chair, - and his old Navy magazines.
- That's right.
And I've got his DVDs and his rifle.
Well, did you think that maybe I would want some of his magazines or his rifles? Just 'cause you two French-kissed his asshole his whole fuckin' life - Excuse me? - Excuse me! I get some stuff too.
And you know what? - I'm going to start right here - No, you're not gonna start anything.
Lee! Stop it! That is mine! I fuckin' claimed it! - You're so funny.
You're so funny.
- You should back off.
I don't even want that.
- It's so stupid.
- You know what's funny? Is your fuckin' face, your fuckin' little pig face.
- See this? - Whatever.
- It's mine.
- Fine.
His model airplane.
Oh, no you don't.
Hands off! Those are for our kids.
Don't you think your kids are a little bit old to be playing with model airplanes? You don't even have kids.
That's 'cause he's shooting blanks.
Uh-oh, Lynn.
Her blood is boiling.
Oh yeah, she's gonna throw a hissy fit.
What, are you getting all all red? - Are you getting red? - Oh that's so funny, - you calling me "she" again.
- Look at that.
Why don't you get some new fuckin' material, all right? Lee Jesus, what? - What is that stain on your pants, Lee? - Oh yeah, that looks like cum.
- I don't have - Did you cum on yourself again? No, no, no, no! No, no! No, no, no! - No, no, no! No! - [SHRIEKING LAUGHTER.]
LYNN: Dirty little boy! Please No! No.
No, Lacey, Lacey.
Please, no! Open the door.
Open the door, please? You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you! When you say venison, it has to have all the sadness of the exile in that word.
Sh-Come! Shall we go kill us some venison? SEYCHELLES: Oh, shit.
Mr.
Geal Namby.
Your video announcements would have been the highlight of my morning, but you choked, as we actors say.
Where are the curriculum proposals that Russell asked for yesterday? Excuse me if the proposals are a little bit tardy.
Russell has been running us ragged, stressing everybody out.
Oh, give me a break.
You're a grown man who prances around in tights.
What the hell do you have to do? Gamby.
You're not gonna make us stay after school with the SweatDogs? They're not human.
They threatened to waterboard me yesterday.
You're going, Seychelles, okay? So, he dreams it up, you execute it, like a little puppet man coming to fuck us.
You better watch your tone.
I'm the principal, do you hear me? [GIGGLING.]
You're not the principal! You're just a flimsy cardboard cutout of a principal.
You're just a two-bit thespian.
- Stand-in.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Queen for a day.
- Seychelles, that's enough! Get back in there and teach these children how to play make-pretend.
Just like you're making-pretend to be principal.
Fuck you.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
Fuck you.
[SCOFFS.]
[LOUD CLATTERING.]
Adolescent behavior.
[TUNING GUITARS.]
What is the matter? Why are you so upset? They're putting you in a home, Momma, a terrible, awful, nursing home.
It's my idea.
I don't want to live in this big old house all by myself.
I want to be with people my own age.
They have brainwashed you, Momma.
It breaks my heart to think of you in a place like that where the orderlies molest all the seniors.
Stop.
Lynn and Lacey are rotten human beings, Momma.
I wish that they had died instead of Daddy.
Don't you go cursing your sisters like that.
I know you don't get along with them and I know why, 'cause you think Daddy liked them better.
Well, maybe, I do, yes, but we will never know if that's true or not, Momma.
No, it's true.
He loved them more.
- Your sisters are mean.
- Yeah.
They tease you, they strip off your clothes.
Do you think I'm blind? I know that.
But they were never being sneaky like you.
You told lies, lies that stung.
Daddy didn't like that, even if they caused it.
Make your daddy proud of you for once.
You're right, Momma.
I'm I'm sorry.
Oh! - I love you.
- I love you.
Back it up.
Hey, Mr.
Gamby, those teachers hate them SweatDogs more than they hate your ass.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, shit.
Gamby, this is getting ridiculous.
The SweatDogs want us to record when we throw out our lunches now.
And they're harassing us about our diets.
Shh.
SweatDogs are coming.
- What? Ridiculous.
- Ms.
Snodgrass.
Mrs.
Deets.
Lunchtime is over.
There is no time for stop and chat.
Is this normal behavior, Mr.
Gamby.
The stop and chats? Uh, I mean Yeah, the teachers usually do chitchat - after lunch.
- That is your fault.
I blame you.
You are enabling this behavior.
Look, I know about being a leader too.
I mean, it's like, the main part of my job, like being productive, and and being leader.
- We do the same thing.
- Incorrect, Mr.
Gamby.
You don't do what we do.
Because if you did what we do, we wouldn't be here.
Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah.
But I'm not sure if you're seeing what I'm saying, which is, I also specialize in leadership too.
Show me.
Show us.
Be the leader that you say you are.
Get these underlings back to work.
I want to see.
[MUTTERS.]
Okay, yeah, well Women Come, come, women, now.
Enough with the small talk, okay? It's time to get back to your places.
That was pathetic.
Bark at them.
Go on! I said, go on now.
Get to class, the both of you.
- You got - Bark at them.
Bark at them! Go Bark at them! God damn it! Get back to your fuckin' classes right now! Go! [STOMPS FOOT.]
Shoo! Get on, varmints! [HISSES.]
It's not about being nice, ladies.
It's about being leadership.
- I like it! - See, I told you guys.
I can do this.
- Fantastic! - Yeah! Are you going to stand here like an asshole or you going to get back to work yourself? Yeah, of course I'm gonna get back to work.
Come on.
Don't trip.
See you, SweatDogs.
[GUITARS PLAYING.]
[BOYS SINGING SOFTLY.]
[WHIMPERS.]
I hate my sisters so much.
They made me look like a fuckin' loser in my daddy's eyes.
Fuck that! I should expose them.
What do you mean by expose? I used to read all their diaries.
I know their deepest, darkest secrets.
They don't want me speaking at the ceremony? Well, tough shit.
I will put them on blast.
I will let the world know what deceitful little cunts they are.
This is about celebrating your dad's life, not waging war against your sisters.
Please, my brain is working, Christine.
What's this I'm hearing about a consultancy firm that Lee hired? Lee hired a consulting firm? Uh, yeah, the SweatDogs.
The what? SweatDogs? They are a world-renowned outfit.
You know, they do Fortune 500 companies, - teach team-building.
- Look, all I know is, I'm getting bombed with complaints from frustrated teachers about this being the cherry on top of an impossible workload.
I mean, this wasn't in the budget.
Why wasn't I informed? Would you mind if I make a quick phone call? I can find out.
I would love for you to check on this.
Okay, I'm going to leave, then I'm going to be right back.
That would be a swell idea, and be right back with that information.
I'll find out the answers.
- Be right back.
- Be right back if you can.
Out.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
Well, you didn't fuck everything up already, did you, Gamby? No! I'm calling about the SweatDogs.
The teachers complained to Haas and now he's over here flipping out! Saying this thing wasn't approved and it's not in the fuckin' budget.
Just fuckin' calm down.
Just lie to the man.
Look, man, lies might slide easily off your oily lips, but I'm not like you.
Which is why you are a goober who couldn't hack it as a principal.
Don't give me that shit.
It's not like you're having your fair share of problems.
You're pushing the teachers too far.
Don't you tell me how to run my school.
Just tell Haas that the SweatDogs are doing it pro gratis.
That means free, dummy.
No way.
No way.
I'm not going to sit here and just bald-face lie to Superintendent Haas.
Well, then I will find someone who will! God damn it.
Hey! Principal for a day! Fuck off, Willows.
- I'm back.
- [CRUNCHES.]
Sir, I think I got to the bottom of this whole SweatDogs thing.
SweatDogs.
It would appear that they are doing their services for us pro gracias, uh, which means for free.
- Hmm.
Free, huh? - Yeah.
Hmm.
I gotta tell you something.
I've never seen morale so low around here.
What, with all that's befallen this school, it's like North Jackson's lost its will to live, Gamby.
[CRUNCHES.]
But, hey maybe Lee has finally come up with something to turn it all around.
- You think? - Yeah, I hope so.
SWEATDOG: Here I am! TEACHERS: Here I am! - Here you are! - Here you are! - Here we are! - Here we are! - I move forward! - We move forward! - We are a team! - We are a team! Gamby, this is some weird stuff.
On the ground.
On your face! You have a problem with authority, sir? - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! - Yes, we are! BOYS: Here I am, Lord Is it I, Lord? I have heard you Calling in the night I will go there If you lead me I will hold Your people in my heart BOTH: We're going to miss you, Daddy.
I love you, Daddy.
[WHISPERS.]
No.
[SISTERS MUTTERING.]
No.
Lee [SCUFFLING.]
[MUTTERING.]
RUSSELL: Excuse me.
Hello.
Thank you, thank you Thank you.
Uh, I just, I wanted to say a few words, so Uh My daddy, always spent a hell of a lot more time with my sisters than he ever did with me.
But he didn't know what I've always known about them.
Which is Whi-Which is [LEE SIGHS.]
That they were the luckiest girls in the world to have had a father like him.
One of my fondest memories of Daddy was helping him build his, his model airplanes.
If, uh I would hand him the wrong part and he would say: "No, Lee! Damn it! "You need to focus.
You need to pay attention," and I would hand him the right part and he would just nod.
I cherish those times.
Because it meant that he cared enough about me to teach me how to improve myself, how to strive for the best, how to reach for the top.
That's what he instilled in me.
I wish that he could see my life now.
I have a a beautiful wife, Christine, and my well, my Korean mother-in-law, Mi-Cha.
I take care of her.
And I have a Well, I have a very nice home.
I'm-I'm even the the principal of my very own school.
He would be proud of me.
I think he would.
Because I I, too, reached the top, like he like he did.
Bye-bye, Daddy.
Move it.
Let's go.
- Go, go, go.
Move it! - [COUGHS.]
- SWEATDOG: What are you doing? - I need water.
- What? - I need some water.
SWEATDOG: No water for anyone until this weakling finishes the exercise.
I'm just a drama teacher, you guys.
I can't do this.
Well, then, maybe, it is time you be just a drama teacher someplace else, because it is teachers with a limited view of themselves that is keeping this place from reaching its full potential.
This place is the bottom of the barrel.
Why? Because of you.
Because of you and you and you and you and you.
Yes, you specifically, and you and you.
Yes, you and you - and you - No! That's enough! That's enough right there.
Get up, Seychelles, come on.
Excuse me, Mr.
Gamby.
What are you doing? I'm giving the drama teacher a glass of water, okay? Here.
Actually, can I have a San Pelligrino? My stomach You don't know the first thing about what's wrong with this school.
Mm.
Okay, fine, yes.
Teachers can be lazy.
They can be bitch-ass complainers.
But these aren't just any teachers.
These are North Jackson teachers.
So take Seychelles, for instance, okay? He took a one act play all the way to the state competition.
It came in third, but still, he got us to states.
And then there's Ms.
Deets.
She did this thing with her class, uh, Pottery for Poverty.
- It raised more money - You're not going to start listing off a bunch of bullshit achievements of your staff right now, are you? How sentimental and uninspired from the vice principal.
You see, after watching, how you've handled these people today, it makes complete sense that you would never, ever, get this job for real.
You're a loser who commands no respect, whatsoever.
Fuck you! Fuck you.
- I respect him.
- Oh.
This school has had worse.
Guess what? You guys can blow it out your dicks.
Wow, let's see, that's three teachers.
[GIGGLES.]
I see.
How about you three take your berets, your kettlebells, and your yoga mats and shove them up your ass.
I'm the principal, I call the shots, so get the fuck out of here right now! No, Shawn.
It's fine.
We've billed them.
They've paid.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em all.
Come, on.
Good riddance, Sweat Dicks.
See ya, She-Ra.
[GUFFAWS.]
Let's go.
Let's go.
[MUTTERS.]
Get movin'.
- MAN: Yeah! - [CHEERING.]
Gamby! Go, Gamby! GAMBY: Don't tell Russell.
Don't tell Russell, okay? Seriously, don't tell him what happened.
Good-bye.
Daddy, I will miss you.
MOMMA: Thank you.
Good to see you, Larry.
I so appreciate it, I really do.
Let us know if you need anything, okay? Thank you.
- [MI-CHA SPEAKING KOREAN.]
- I'll meet you in the car.
So nice to see you.
Take my bags to the car, Mi-Cha.
Hey, Lee.
Good speech.
The boys are still getting the airplanes.
I hope you're not going to make a big federal case about us taking them? Don't worry, I won't.
I've let it go.
You guys are my family.
Are you serious? You're not going to throw a hissy fit or a tantrum? - [SIGHS.]
- No? Momma.
You made me so proud of you today.
And I bet you made your daddy proud too.
Now you be a good man from now on, okay? Just don't tell any more lies.
I'm not that kind of person anymore, Momma.
I am a principal and I have principals.