What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1 NADJA: Are we almost there? All this walking and walking and walking, Guillermo, do you never tire of it? Screw this.
I'm flying.
Who's with me? Bat! NADJA: He doesn't have the address, so, you know I don't have the address.
(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING) Vampires love virgins.
It's their favorite food.
And, um, I've managed to find a group with an extremely high ratio of virgins.
So, LARPing, as you probably know, stands for Live Action Role-Playing.
You will give me the scroll, or you will taste the wrath of my pike.
JENNA: Some people think that we kind of mix up reality.
Don't worry, we're well aware.
Um, we know it isn't real.
No, it's real.
Yeah.
Roll for intimidation.
(DICE CLATTERING) JONATHAN: Negative for intimidation.
KYLE: Roll again.
Well, obviously they are all virgins, so good work there.
Thank you, Master.
Shh! Guillermo! You'll spook the virgins! Your accent! - I will join.
- One.
- I will join.
- Two.
Yes! SHANICE: Jenelf has volunteered, sire.
No.
Jenelf has but 23 hit points.
- You still have enough points.
- All who agree Jenelf does not have enough points to come on the quest, say "aye.
" Aye.
OTHERS: Aye.
Why do they ignore the little female one? Perhaps it is part of their game.
They pretend she's invisible? KYLE: You call this a sojourner's tavern? Your mead tastes like griffin piss.
(SPITS) I don't want these virgins.
They are going to taste too sad.
- Oh, come on.
- Let's just eat the mean one.
No, I know what you're bloody like.
If you eat the mean one, you're gonna be mean all evening.
No, thank you.
This is a bowl of rotten fruit! All right, I think you need to calm down, my beauty.
- Coming? - In a moment.
- KYLE: Sorry, Jen.
- JENNA: It's all right.
Be strong, sweet little one.
Someday they will all be dead, and you will do a shit on all of their graves.
("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING) Don't sing if you want to live long They have no use for your song You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world Now your hope and compassion is gone You sold out your dream to the world Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world.
(SHIP HORN BLOWS) NANDOR: Recently, we've had a very powerful and ancient vampire move into the house, and it's made things a little challenging.
(ROARING) The Baron has charged us with the task of taking power over the New World.
Expected us to have conquered the New World, but I don't remember him ever mentioning it.
NADJA: I just remembered, the last time me and the Baron were making love, he said something to me.
"If you ever get to the New World, my dear, "take over the land and subjugate the entire population, otherwise I'll have your head.
" But I couldn't pay attention, because he was doing that thing where he pays a lot of attention - to your area.
- His thing is, he's got this irritating habit of giving you orders just at the moment of climax.
So you're both there in the moment, and then he barks an order, and you're, "Huh? What?" "Uh what?" Nothing.
"I beg your pardon?" (HIGH-PITCHED); "What are you saying?" And he never repeats what he said.
Expects you to have listened, during the climax.
So I guess we conquering the New World now.
(FIRE CRACKLING) Extend arm and dust.
Careful of the spider house.
You wouldn't like it if a spider came and dusted - your house, would you, Guillermo? - Guess not.
(GASPS) GUILLERMO: The worst part about having the Baron stay with us is the Baron's familiar.
She's so creepy.
Oh! She's got everyone on edge, popping up behind doors, behind bushes.
(WHISPERING): She can hear everything we say.
Everything.
She's worse than Guillermo.
Always there.
Why the hell are we meeting in the fancy Shh! Why are we meeting in the fancy room and not in the library? Because this is a secret meeting.
All secret meetings take place in the fancy room.
(CURTAINS CLOSE) Do you want to pull the curtains a little bit louder? It got stuck.
- Sorry? - It got stuck.
(SIGHS) Now, the Baron's specific plan was that we are to conquer - North America.
- He actually said, - "the New World.
" - No, he specified Staten Island.
No, the entirety of North America.
Then that would include Canada.
What the fuck would anyone want with Canada? Apparently, there is a very active trade - in beaver pelts.
- Oh.
That was hundreds of years ago, Master.
Guillermo, don't talk.
Where was I? Yes.
We need a plan for total domination.
We could poison the humans' milks with witch's piss.
- Uh, how would that work? - We could assassinate the king.
- We don't have a king in America.
- Even easier.
NADJA: This is too much to ask.
What a big bloody cheeky jerk, coming here, telling us to take over the whole of Staten Island just by ourselves, while I bet he's having a lovely bloody nap up there! I hope he's resting well! You want me to come sing you a lullaby?! - Nadja, no.
- Silly boy.
- Don't raise your voice.
- LASZLO: That's very risky.
- Woof! - NANDOR: Shh! We are not alone in this house.
Guillermo, check the curtain.
Make sure she is not eavesdropping on us.
- Hello.
- (OTHERS GROANING) COLIN: I was just eavesdropping behind the curtain there.
Secret meeting, huh? - No.
- Uh-uh.
What were you guys talking about? Can I join? NADJA: No.
So sorry.
We're planning your, um - surprise party.
- NANDOR: Yeah.
COLIN: Oh.
A surprise party, huh? OTHERS: Mm-hmm.
Well, it's not much of a surprise now, is it? You know, if-if the fun part of the party is that it's a surprise, and you eliminate all element of surprise, then it just becomes a party, right? - Eh - So tell me what's really going on, because, frankly, let's be honest, you've never even thought of throwing a party for me, - have you? - NADJA: The Baron wants us to take over the land, - at least Staten Island.
- Well, it sounds like you want to talk to the local leaders.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Okay, well, I-I can help with that.
- NANDOR: You can? - I know exactly who you need - to talk to and where to go.
- NANDOR: Show us the way, Colin Robinson.
Let our journey to total domination begin this very evening! Perhaps you could just give us the destination, and we could fly ahead and meet you there, Colin Robinson.
It's kind of hard to find.
You know, I actually don't mind taking the bus.
Everyone kind of focuses on the "day" part of "daywalker," but actually, no one focuses on the "walker" part.
You know, there's a lot of walking Bat.
They're never gonna be able to find the place.
COLIN: Of course, you can always have buses that are one-tier, two-tier, but you never see three-tier buses.
They would be hit when they go under bridges.
I appreciate, uh, your perspective, Mr.
Chapman, but the zoning ordinance These are the ones who rule over the local peasants? - Yes.
Isn't this wonderful? - No.
Is it a wrestling pit? No.
No.
Just-just watch.
- But when does the wrestling start? - Never.
You're recognized, Mr.
Peterson.
Uh, according to the statute, if Mr.
Chapman's residence was originally zoned as a mixed-use or multiple-dwelling structure I come here every week.
It's a smorgasbord of banality and despair.
BARBARA: Mr.
Robinson? You're next up.
- Is Mr.
Robinson here? - I'm just gonna do a quick mega-feed, and then I'll be right back.
BARBARA: Mr.
Robinson, are you here? I'm holding up a finger indicating to hold on a second.
Uh, I'll be right back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) (AMPLIFIED CREAKING) COLIN: Council.
Uh, Madam President.
When it comes to zoning ordinances, I have a few thoughts.
"Ordinance.
" What does it mean? Webster's Unabridged Dictionay defines "ordinance" as an "authoritative" We will here demand our power.
We have come up with a list of all the things we would like to change once the vampires are in charge.
I'd like to see the construction of a huge opaque dome the size of the city, covering the city, and blocking out all sunlight.
No noise during daylight hours.
All local churches to destroy their crucifixes.
A total ban on turtlenecks.
A vampire-only television channel.
I would like for me, personally, my favorite comedy, Priests Falling Over.
Free but compulsory harpsichord concerts every day of the week.
We would have nun-free zones with a sign that says: "No Nuns.
No Nuns.
None.
" COLIN: So in closing, hopefully next week, I can, uh, provide a little bit more clarity, uh, as to the direction I feel like, uh, our zoning laws should go.
Thank you so much.
BARBARA: Thank you, Mr.
Robinson.
Is Mr.
, uh, Nandor? Mr.
Nandor? Yes.
(QUIETLY): I got this.
- Greetings, mortals.
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) I will make this quick.
I, Nandor the Relentless, conqueror of thousands, immortal warrior who has twice turned the Euphrates itself red with blood, hereby demand the complete and total supplication of this governing body to my command! Submit and receive mercy.
Resist and only death awaits.
(MAN COUGHS) Thank you for your input, uh, Mr.
Nandor He's blown it.
Hasn't even mentioned the turtlenecks.
To zoning ordinances, but if you would like to return - Yes.
- When we have a Yes, I would very much like to-to return then.
- When we have an open session - Great.
You are entirely welcome to join.
Fantastic.
Great.
When would that be? In about two months.
But if you access our website Uh, do you have a computer? That will be the perfect time - for you to speak.
- Great.
Fantastic.
I live on Tanglewood, and the bar on the ground floor below my apartment LASZLO: How best to describe Nandor? I would say that he's blessedly unburdened with the complications of a university education.
But give him an ax, and he's second to none.
Though you wouldn't want him as your barrister.
Ha! Don't let him fucking see this.
LASZLO: So, their leader is the Lazarro shrew? COLIN: Correct.
Where lies Barbara Lazarro's weakest point? Oh, her Achilles' heel? So it's her foot? Well, that's simple.
- I know exactly what to do.
- I meant in Greek mythology, there's a human who's held by his Stop talking.
Who would you say is the most powerful member of that group? Well, Ms.
Lazarro.
But Doug Peterson is looking to unseat her in the upcoming election.
Some people think he has a chance.
- The streak of piss with a case? - COLIN: Yeah.
Shall we kill him as a warning? No.
Let's use him as a pawn, but then I will visit Barbara Lazarro - under cover of night.
- Yeah! (CHUCKLING) Where's Nadja? (BAT SQUEAKING) Hello, cheeky little one.
Out having some fun, are we? - Uh, not really.
- Oh, no.
NADJA: I remember how it feels to be powerless and disrespected.
Back home in my village, I had many strikes against me.
I was a woman, and I had Gypsy blood, and we were so poor that we used to use donkey dung for fuel, and when the donkey dung ran out, we would have to burn the donkey.
So yes, I do know what it feels like to be mocked and teased and to cry myself to sleep at night by the light of a burning donkey.
Are those little dogshits not giving you the deep respect you deserve? Yeah.
Come.
Let's walk and talk about what the future could be like for the new Jenna.
LASZLO: Now, my plan is to win the trust of Barbara Lazarro.
Am I devious? Yes, I think I am.
But as the old saying goes, I didn't come here to make friends.
That's bullshit.
That's exactly what I came here to do.
- Uh, yes? - Good evening, Madam Lazarro.
My name is Laszlo Cravensworth.
And who do we have here? Oh, I'm watching my little granddaughter for the night.
What a lovely little nibble she would be.
I'm sorry, do I know you? Well, you do now.
And may I say you are a credit to the women's suffragette movement.
And you're also very easy on the eye.
And I'm glad to see your foot injury - isn't slowing you down.
- My what? Your foot.
Now, I come to you with a warning.
Those who you trust cannot be trusted.
- But I am here to help you with that.
- Now, if-if this is borough council-related, I have regular office hours.
If there is a stone, so to speak, in your shoe that needs eliminating I-I mean, the the raccoon population is out of control.
Saw three of them in my garbage can this morning.
Three! - It's a nightmare.
- Really? I do like a direct woman.
You know, I (BABY FUSSING) I really do have to get Emily here, um, bathed and washed.
Uh, why don't you, uh, call my office in the morning, and I'll I'll try to see if I can find someone who can help you with whatever it is you need help with.
It's not I who needs help, it's you.
So it's me who's ending this conversation.
Not you.
And you won't remember a thing about it.
And, you, my darling, won't remember a thing about a damn thing.
(KISSES) NANDOR: Trying to ally with Barbara Lazarro is a shit plan.
The power move here is to make Doug Peterson my personal agent of chaos.
Peterson destroys Lazarro, Nandor destroys Peterson and the council is mine.
(BAT SQUEAKING) That's a nice little bitch you've got there.
Pardon me? A nice little bitch being led on a leash by a frightened little man.
It reminds me of how you are led about on a leash by the human bitch Barbara Lazarro.
Look, I don't want any trouble, okay? So just take my wallet.
I'm not here to rob you, little man.
All right, let's do it the fast way.
Tonight before you drift into a slumber, you will hear a voice that will command your actions.
Okay.
Oh.
Okay.
Great.
JENNA: Is this like a Tony Robbins, like, Unleash the Power Within thing? Unleash the power.
Yes, exactly.
Yes.
You're saying that would help me sed-seduce men? And destroy them.
- And women, too.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh.
Yeah, I-I should be honest.
I have I have a boyfriend, and we do s-stuff.
I mean, we do stuff on camera because that's that's the stuff he likes, and that's the stuff that he tells me I like.
You know what? Just college is, like, a really complicated time.
This is college, right? Here I am, and this-this beautiful older woman wants to take me on a sexual journey.
And, like, I Are you a junior? Are you a senior? I'm senior.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh.
Okay.
And you are just a fresh baby shot out of her mother's womb, glistening with light.
Thank you.
You're sure you want to do this? Um I should be honest with you.
I'm a virgin.
Maybe we should just start - with mouth stuff, if that's okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Just mouth stuff.
(GROWLS) Ow.
Uh Oh.
Wowie zowie, that is (MUFFLED): Uh, shush, darling.
You don't need to talk.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I always talk too much.
Oh, ah! The Lazarro woman's demanded proof of my ability as an ally, so, uh here goes.
Hello, my little nighttime brother.
Fuck me.
Fucking thing just bit me.
But that'll heal immediately.
There we are.
Seems I overestimated our kinship.
I'll have to take things up a notch.
(CLARINET PLAYING) (RACCOONS CHITTERING) I call out to you through the ether, Doug Peters.
Peters? Peterson.
Doug Peterson.
I call out to you through the ether, Doug Peterson.
(DOOR OPENS) - D - GUILLERMO: Did you call me? What? - I just heard Did you call me? - No.
I was calling through the ether to Doug Peterson.
- You're not calling.
- No.
If I need anything, I will call you.
But not through the ether.
Just by regular yelling.
- All right, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Peterson.
Doug Peterson.
Doug Peterson.
Do you hear me call you? I hear you.
NANDOR: Great.
Hi, Doug.
(CHUCKLES): Now, my sweet little baby turkey, I'd like you to drink something from this vial.
- Huh? - Oh.
Is it vodka or something? It's like a very strong spirit with a little spicy kick.
Um, it is my blood.
Well, your blood is delicious.
(CHUCKLES) Why do they call it blood? Well, it's it is the blood from my body, - so I-I call it my blood.
- (CHUCKLES) (SCREAMS) I mean, w-we don't know who was behind this.
Is this a gang-related activity? Is-is MS-13 sending a message? I gave you those raccoons as a bloody gift.
BARBARA: This was a clear and direct threat to my well-being NANDOR: They laughed at me.
They will not be laughing now that I am about to unleash my hellhound Doug Peters son.
And to the safety of every member of this council.
It's a grim portent of things to come if we don't surrender, you ignorant bitch.
- (WHISPERS): Yes, Doug Peterson.
- BARBARA: What? I will rip your head from your body.
And I will hang your entrails from the traffic light on Hylan Boulevard so our new masters will see that only those who submit will survive! Mr.
Peterson, you are way out of order.
- (GRUNTING) - (BARBARA GASPS) Heed my vision before it's too late! I have received a message from a slouching beast in the night! (DOUG GRUNTING) - The man is quite obviously mad.
- (DOUG SHOUTING) Or someone's driven him mad.
Something terrible is coming! (SCREAMING) - This is an embarrassment.
- (DOUG SHOUTING) Well, I did not hear you peep up when we were coming up with the new plan.
I was making a new vampire.
- I'm sorry, what? - Nothing.
Perhaps we should come up with a new plan, then.
DOUG: Vengeance will be mine when nightmares are made real! - Are you leaving with us? - No.
I-I can't stand up right now, - if you know what I mean.
(CHUCKLES) - (GROANS) DOUG: Tear the fucking veil of illusion from your eyes! And witness the hellscape that is our destiny! Wh-What was that about a vampire? DOUG: I will tear your balls off and feed them to your children! I, um I've been fighting off this very intense flu, I think? Um, 'cause I didn't have enough layers on the other night.
Think it's mono.
Uh, no, I don't think it's No vampires remain in Romania I am not your Dracula spectacular This is not your weekend in Vegas This is not your selfie obscura I am not your tour guide of Paris This is not West Hollywood on Thursday I am not your object d'art I am not your sepia heyday This is not the moment we part.