Wilfred s01e13 Episode Script
Identity
What are you doing? I'm writing my will.
After I'm gone, I don't want you and Bearfighting over my shit.
Or any of my other stuff.
Planning on going somewhere? We all go sometime, mate.
How's it coming? Let's see.
Uh, they're saying Jenna violated her contract by fondling her breasts on a live newscast while wrecked out of her mind on drugs.
What they don't realize is nothing.
They realize everything.
But she didn't know she ate candy with pot in it.
She still doesn't.
Ignorance is nine tenths of the law.
That's possession.
She wasn't charged with possession.
I thought you were a good lawyer.
How did you win all those cases at your father's firm? I cheated.
Go on.
I prepared two files.
One with a solid legal strategy.
And if that didn't work, I'd go to my black file.
It was filled with whatever dark secrets I could find and use against the opposition.
Great.
So where's the black file forthis case? There isn't going to be one.
I did terrible things, Wilfred.
I messed with peoples' lives.
I'm not going there again.
Don't be a pussy.
This is your chance to get Jenna.
She's engaged.
No.
She's thinking about it.
That's like worse than a no.
Well, so you're saying if I save Jenna's job, she'll dump Drew for me? Ryan, you've seen what I'm capable of.
You do whatever it takes to win, just this once and I'll do whatever it takes to get you Jenna.
There is no "just this once.
" You do one bad thing, and it leads to another and before you know it, you forget who you really are.
It's a slippery slope.
It's only slippery if you don't have someone to hold on to.
Why are you here? Excuse me? I figured you were looking out for me.
But now you want me to do something I know is bad for me.
You're tired.
Why don't you call it a night? I need some answers.
I can't keep ignoring the fact none of this makes any sense.
Can we take the emotion out of this? Can we just be two adults having a conversation? What are you? Who are you? Why are you? I can't tell you.
Why not? They're listening.
What? Who? Shh.
Are you sure you want to know? If this is a joke It's not.
Ryan, remember the night before we met? The pills you took? Yes.
They worked, mate.
I'm sorry, Ryan.
They worked.
You must have noticed things here are different.
Shit's a little off, right? Am I? No.
You're somewhere in between.
Yourfuture depends on the outcome of that settlement meeting tomorrow.
If Jenna gets her job back, well, you get to move on.
So none of this is really happening? Everything on the island is real, but the rest is an illusion.
What island? Uh, forget that last bit.
Wilfred! Shh.
Smoke monster.
I've seen Lost, Wilfred.
What did you think of the ending? Why can't I get a straight answer? Come on, Ryan.
These are big existential questions.
Best left for boring Russian novelists and teenagers on acid.
Real people don't think about this shit.
Just find a way to save our girl.
Then she'll be yours.
Now, if you'll excuse me I am gonna summon up my own smoke monster.
And when your station's traffic reporter, Inez Delgado, had an on-air nip slip all she got was a slap on the wrist.
And 600,000 hits on YouTube.
So what? He's alleging reverse discrimination.
Ha, ha.
Yup, trendy.
If that's all you've got, then I'll take my chances in court.
Mr.
St.
Cloud, please.
You know how much pressure there is for on-air talent.
You were a meteorologist.
I was a weatherman, son.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a charity walk-a-thon and hug some clefties.
Uh, I'm a little disappointed.
Some of the guys at my firm actually warned me about you.
Apparently, you used to have quite the reputation.
Called you the, um What was it? The anthropologist or some shit like that.
The archaeologist.
Well, um, maybe you'd have better luck in that line of work.
Look I know a local TV personality like Mr.
St.
Cloud has a full schedule of public appearances but for his own good, I think he should reconsider.
Please.
Full reinstatement.
Thank you.
I don't even want to know how you got those documents.
No, you do not.
You said you'd deliver Jenna if I won.
You took that seriously? Dude, Jenna's not a meat-lover's pizza I can have delivered in 30 minutes or less.
Hey, you know what sounds good right now? Chinese.
So you lied? I did not lie.
I Wilfred-lied.
You manipulated me.
No.
I Wilfred-manipulated you.
Hey, don't be mad, mate.
Why would I be mad? You taught me a valuable lesson today.
If I really want something, I have to do whatever it takes.
And I want Jenna.
Ryan.
I think you might be slipping down that slope we talked about.
I don't need your help.
Stay out of my way.
Ryan.
Wait.
I was wrong.
I do want pizza.
Ryan.
Brought a little champagne for the victory brunch, bro.
I can't thank you enough.
Oh, you officially just did.
No more thank yous, please.
Come on in.
Hors d'oeuvres on the porch.
Uh, rude.
You weren't invited.
Yeah.
I'm sure that was just an oversight.
It wasn't.
Look, I know we ended things on a sour note yesterday and we never did get that pizza.
But I was just trying to make a point.
All that underhanded Machiavellian shit that's just not you.
That's not what you said at the meeting.
That was a one-time thing.
You don't wanna win Jenna's heart that way.
Hey, what the hell are they doing here? Well, it's my celebration.
Why wouldn't I invite my family? Hang on.
You smell funny.
You smell like conniving.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr.
Patel, I'm so glad you could make it.
Now the party can begin.
Just show me to the booze, crackerjack.
I'm happy to share this day with you and Drew and yourfamily and Mr.
Patel.
To Ryan.
Ryan.
Who's Ryan? I don't know what you're up to, Ryan I've got my nose and ears on you.
And my eyes, too, I guess, but frankly, my vision's pretty shitty.
I just want to say, I'm really proud of you.
I knew you were an amazing lawyer, but you Did I introduce you to my neighbor yet? Um, yeah.
Like, three times.
Mr.
Patel was a nuclear engineer in, uh India.
Really? You know, my wife's thinking about traveling to India.
She wants to deliver babies with Arturo.
Sorry.
Dr.
Ramos.
Leo.
God, that's right.
I didn't think about that.
I'd be curious what Mr.
Patel thinks of his homeland.
Would you describe it as clean? Allow me to answer your question with a question.
Do you like garbage everywhere? Yes.
You like puddles of diarrhea in the street? Uh, duh.
Do you like seeing dead, decaying animals wherever you go? Holy shit.
Is this India place real? You're an asshole, Leo.
Let me get us some more wine.
Very clever, Ryan.
Figured out my plan, did you? No.
But if you think I'm just gonna stand by and watch you Bubbles! One, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight, nine I owe my career to you, but I still don't understand why I freaked out.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I just don't get how two people end up like this.
I mean, when they got engaged, they were so in love.
Guess you just never know.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to burden you.
No, not at all.
It's just sad.
Thirty-three, 34, 35, 36, 37.
Thirty-eight, 39, 40.
Woo-hoo! As I was saying you can't treat these people like bloody pieces in some twisted game of chess.
Don't think about it.
Ryan, I swear to God, if you blow one more Bubbles.
Whoo! One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
Just leave them in the sink.
Hey, now you're talking.
Hmm.
By the way, congratulations.
Duh.
You're getting married, bro.
Ah, ha, ha, yeah, well, she hasn't exactly said yes yet.
I'm still giving her some time to think about it.
Oh.
Phew.
That's rough, with, uh What? The Noon News.
I mean, Jenna's gonna be a celebrity.
If I were you, I would do everything I could to seal the deal before the cameras start rolling again.
But that's just me.
Looking for this? So you're using Mr.
Patel to drive a wedge between your sister and her husband so you can dangle theirfailed marriage before Jenna's eyes.
It's an evil game you're playing.
Don't get me wrong.
It's brilliant but you're on that slippery slope, Ryan, and any minute Bubbles! Goddamn you, Ryan.
You gonna move here? Do you expect me to move to Wisconsin? We can figure all of that out later but I can't keep waiting around like this.
Jenna, you need to tell me now, yes or no.
Now.
Okay, no.
Ooh, ouch.
Dodging a bullet there, pal.
You're disgusting.
I'm waiting in the car.
No, I'm waiting in the car.
The e-vite said 1 to 5.
I've got two more hours.
I am not leaving.
Hope you're proud of yourself, Ryan.
I'm gonna be up all night licking Jenna's tears.
Know what that sodium's gonna do to my blood pressure? This is nothing compared to the shit you've pulled.
Yeah, but you're not me.
You're a good person.
And you're a person.
You're turning into a guy I don't even recognize.
Christ, you take all the fun out of bubbles.
All you have to do is sign the settlement and it's back to the anchor desk.
I know things have been difficult but I just want you to know I'm here for you.
You always are, aren't you? Hey, what do you say we go to dinner? We don't have to talk about work or Drew.
It'll just be the two of us having a good time.
I'd love that.
Wait, we never discussed a drug test.
Insurance company requires it.
You got a problem with that? I've nevertaken a drug in my life.
Wilfred.
Don't mind me, I'm just finishing up my will, then I'm gone.
Now you'll know what to do if anything happens to me.
Goodbye, Ryan.
Jenna's in trouble.
What? Station's sending over an insurance rep tomorrow to give her a drug test.
Which means We have to disembowel the rep.
What? No, we need clean pee.
You didn't let me finish, Ryan.
We need to disembowel the insurance representative.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
Leo and I are going through a, uh, pretty rough patch.
Don't sweat it.
More coffee? No, I'm good.
Anyway, um, I've decided not to go to India.
Well, I'm sure that's forthe best.
I think so too.
I have to stay here so we can work things out, you know.
I really do love him, it's just, um Uh Uh, Arturo and I had an affair.
It was months ago.
It was just one time.
Does Leo know? No, it would kill him.
Ryan.
Ryan.
Ryan.
Uh Finish your coffee.
The insurance rep arrived early.
Do you have Kristen's piss? I haven't been able to ask her.
You stall.
Jenna is squeezing out the last golden droplets of her once promising career.
Don't let that rep leave until I can make the switch.
You think you can handle that? It's a relief to tell someone about Arturo.
You're the only I need urine.
What? I need you to pee in this cup now.
Not how I expected the conversation to go.
I've a client facing a test.
She's not gonna pass if I don't get her some clean pee.
What, you're serious? Ryan, this is the same kind of thing that nearly got you disbarred.
I know, but it's just this once.
It's fraud, Ryan, I won't do it.
If you don't, I'll tell Leo about you and Dr.
Ramos.
Who are you? I'm sorry, but I'm desperate.
Call Leo.
Please.
Hello.
Four years of college and you're a piss collector? I bet your parents are real proud.
God, I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into him.
Wilfred, come.
I'm gonna lose Jenna, it's all your fault.
What the hell good are you? You're the one who told me to do whatever it takes.
Damn it, do whatever it takes now.
You're right.
I'm so sorry, Ryan.
Wilfred! Wilfred! Wilfred.
I'm gonna go get my keys.
It worked.
You can get up now.
Wilfred? Wilfred! So still no word from the doctor.
That was the insurance rep.
She said I passed the drug test.
That's great.
Congratulations.
I guess we'll have to wait to celebrate.
She also said I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God, look, Jenna No, this is good news.
I should call Drew.
I guess I'm getting married after all.
Jenna, wait.
Kristen, listen, I have to You've got nothing to hold overmy head anymore.
I just told Leo about my affair and he left me so I am going to Indla.
And by the way you're dead to me.
Good news.
He's gonna be okay.
How you doing, buddy? I don't know if you can hear me, but I've ruined everything.
You tried to warn me and I wouldn't listen.
I forgot who I was.
I know why you're here now.
To stop me from slipping down that slope.
Please, Wilfred I need you to pull me back up.
I need your help.
Who are you? Wilfred, it's me.
Help.
There's a stranger in my room.
Nurse.
Wilfred, I don't know what to do.
Nurse.
Tell me what to do.
You're upsetting the dog.
Leave.
I don't know you.
Tell me what to do.
Get out.
What are you doing? I'm writing my will.
Now you'll know what to do if anything happens to me.
After I'm gone, I don't want you and Bearfighting over my shit.
Or any of my other stuff.
Planning on going somewhere? We all go sometime, mate.
How's it coming? Let's see.
Uh, they're saying Jenna violated her contract by fondling her breasts on a live newscast while wrecked out of her mind on drugs.
What they don't realize is nothing.
They realize everything.
But she didn't know she ate candy with pot in it.
She still doesn't.
Ignorance is nine tenths of the law.
That's possession.
She wasn't charged with possession.
I thought you were a good lawyer.
How did you win all those cases at your father's firm? I cheated.
Go on.
I prepared two files.
One with a solid legal strategy.
And if that didn't work, I'd go to my black file.
It was filled with whatever dark secrets I could find and use against the opposition.
Great.
So where's the black file forthis case? There isn't going to be one.
I did terrible things, Wilfred.
I messed with peoples' lives.
I'm not going there again.
Don't be a pussy.
This is your chance to get Jenna.
She's engaged.
No.
She's thinking about it.
That's like worse than a no.
Well, so you're saying if I save Jenna's job, she'll dump Drew for me? Ryan, you've seen what I'm capable of.
You do whatever it takes to win, just this once and I'll do whatever it takes to get you Jenna.
There is no "just this once.
" You do one bad thing, and it leads to another and before you know it, you forget who you really are.
It's a slippery slope.
It's only slippery if you don't have someone to hold on to.
Why are you here? Excuse me? I figured you were looking out for me.
But now you want me to do something I know is bad for me.
You're tired.
Why don't you call it a night? I need some answers.
I can't keep ignoring the fact none of this makes any sense.
Can we take the emotion out of this? Can we just be two adults having a conversation? What are you? Who are you? Why are you? I can't tell you.
Why not? They're listening.
What? Who? Shh.
Are you sure you want to know? If this is a joke It's not.
Ryan, remember the night before we met? The pills you took? Yes.
They worked, mate.
I'm sorry, Ryan.
They worked.
You must have noticed things here are different.
Shit's a little off, right? Am I? No.
You're somewhere in between.
Yourfuture depends on the outcome of that settlement meeting tomorrow.
If Jenna gets her job back, well, you get to move on.
So none of this is really happening? Everything on the island is real, but the rest is an illusion.
What island? Uh, forget that last bit.
Wilfred! Shh.
Smoke monster.
I've seen Lost, Wilfred.
What did you think of the ending? Why can't I get a straight answer? Come on, Ryan.
These are big existential questions.
Best left for boring Russian novelists and teenagers on acid.
Real people don't think about this shit.
Just find a way to save our girl.
Then she'll be yours.
Now, if you'll excuse me I am gonna summon up my own smoke monster.
And when your station's traffic reporter, Inez Delgado, had an on-air nip slip all she got was a slap on the wrist.
And 600,000 hits on YouTube.
So what? He's alleging reverse discrimination.
Ha, ha.
Yup, trendy.
If that's all you've got, then I'll take my chances in court.
Mr.
St.
Cloud, please.
You know how much pressure there is for on-air talent.
You were a meteorologist.
I was a weatherman, son.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a charity walk-a-thon and hug some clefties.
Uh, I'm a little disappointed.
Some of the guys at my firm actually warned me about you.
Apparently, you used to have quite the reputation.
Called you the, um What was it? The anthropologist or some shit like that.
The archaeologist.
Well, um, maybe you'd have better luck in that line of work.
Look I know a local TV personality like Mr.
St.
Cloud has a full schedule of public appearances but for his own good, I think he should reconsider.
Please.
Full reinstatement.
Thank you.
I don't even want to know how you got those documents.
No, you do not.
You said you'd deliver Jenna if I won.
You took that seriously? Dude, Jenna's not a meat-lover's pizza I can have delivered in 30 minutes or less.
Hey, you know what sounds good right now? Chinese.
So you lied? I did not lie.
I Wilfred-lied.
You manipulated me.
No.
I Wilfred-manipulated you.
Hey, don't be mad, mate.
Why would I be mad? You taught me a valuable lesson today.
If I really want something, I have to do whatever it takes.
And I want Jenna.
Ryan.
I think you might be slipping down that slope we talked about.
I don't need your help.
Stay out of my way.
Ryan.
Wait.
I was wrong.
I do want pizza.
Ryan.
Brought a little champagne for the victory brunch, bro.
I can't thank you enough.
Oh, you officially just did.
No more thank yous, please.
Come on in.
Hors d'oeuvres on the porch.
Uh, rude.
You weren't invited.
Yeah.
I'm sure that was just an oversight.
It wasn't.
Look, I know we ended things on a sour note yesterday and we never did get that pizza.
But I was just trying to make a point.
All that underhanded Machiavellian shit that's just not you.
That's not what you said at the meeting.
That was a one-time thing.
You don't wanna win Jenna's heart that way.
Hey, what the hell are they doing here? Well, it's my celebration.
Why wouldn't I invite my family? Hang on.
You smell funny.
You smell like conniving.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr.
Patel, I'm so glad you could make it.
Now the party can begin.
Just show me to the booze, crackerjack.
I'm happy to share this day with you and Drew and yourfamily and Mr.
Patel.
To Ryan.
Ryan.
Who's Ryan? I don't know what you're up to, Ryan I've got my nose and ears on you.
And my eyes, too, I guess, but frankly, my vision's pretty shitty.
I just want to say, I'm really proud of you.
I knew you were an amazing lawyer, but you Did I introduce you to my neighbor yet? Um, yeah.
Like, three times.
Mr.
Patel was a nuclear engineer in, uh India.
Really? You know, my wife's thinking about traveling to India.
She wants to deliver babies with Arturo.
Sorry.
Dr.
Ramos.
Leo.
God, that's right.
I didn't think about that.
I'd be curious what Mr.
Patel thinks of his homeland.
Would you describe it as clean? Allow me to answer your question with a question.
Do you like garbage everywhere? Yes.
You like puddles of diarrhea in the street? Uh, duh.
Do you like seeing dead, decaying animals wherever you go? Holy shit.
Is this India place real? You're an asshole, Leo.
Let me get us some more wine.
Very clever, Ryan.
Figured out my plan, did you? No.
But if you think I'm just gonna stand by and watch you Bubbles! One, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight, nine I owe my career to you, but I still don't understand why I freaked out.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I just don't get how two people end up like this.
I mean, when they got engaged, they were so in love.
Guess you just never know.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to burden you.
No, not at all.
It's just sad.
Thirty-three, 34, 35, 36, 37.
Thirty-eight, 39, 40.
Woo-hoo! As I was saying you can't treat these people like bloody pieces in some twisted game of chess.
Don't think about it.
Ryan, I swear to God, if you blow one more Bubbles.
Whoo! One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
Just leave them in the sink.
Hey, now you're talking.
Hmm.
By the way, congratulations.
Duh.
You're getting married, bro.
Ah, ha, ha, yeah, well, she hasn't exactly said yes yet.
I'm still giving her some time to think about it.
Oh.
Phew.
That's rough, with, uh What? The Noon News.
I mean, Jenna's gonna be a celebrity.
If I were you, I would do everything I could to seal the deal before the cameras start rolling again.
But that's just me.
Looking for this? So you're using Mr.
Patel to drive a wedge between your sister and her husband so you can dangle theirfailed marriage before Jenna's eyes.
It's an evil game you're playing.
Don't get me wrong.
It's brilliant but you're on that slippery slope, Ryan, and any minute Bubbles! Goddamn you, Ryan.
You gonna move here? Do you expect me to move to Wisconsin? We can figure all of that out later but I can't keep waiting around like this.
Jenna, you need to tell me now, yes or no.
Now.
Okay, no.
Ooh, ouch.
Dodging a bullet there, pal.
You're disgusting.
I'm waiting in the car.
No, I'm waiting in the car.
The e-vite said 1 to 5.
I've got two more hours.
I am not leaving.
Hope you're proud of yourself, Ryan.
I'm gonna be up all night licking Jenna's tears.
Know what that sodium's gonna do to my blood pressure? This is nothing compared to the shit you've pulled.
Yeah, but you're not me.
You're a good person.
And you're a person.
You're turning into a guy I don't even recognize.
Christ, you take all the fun out of bubbles.
All you have to do is sign the settlement and it's back to the anchor desk.
I know things have been difficult but I just want you to know I'm here for you.
You always are, aren't you? Hey, what do you say we go to dinner? We don't have to talk about work or Drew.
It'll just be the two of us having a good time.
I'd love that.
Wait, we never discussed a drug test.
Insurance company requires it.
You got a problem with that? I've nevertaken a drug in my life.
Wilfred.
Don't mind me, I'm just finishing up my will, then I'm gone.
Now you'll know what to do if anything happens to me.
Goodbye, Ryan.
Jenna's in trouble.
What? Station's sending over an insurance rep tomorrow to give her a drug test.
Which means We have to disembowel the rep.
What? No, we need clean pee.
You didn't let me finish, Ryan.
We need to disembowel the insurance representative.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
Leo and I are going through a, uh, pretty rough patch.
Don't sweat it.
More coffee? No, I'm good.
Anyway, um, I've decided not to go to India.
Well, I'm sure that's forthe best.
I think so too.
I have to stay here so we can work things out, you know.
I really do love him, it's just, um Uh Uh, Arturo and I had an affair.
It was months ago.
It was just one time.
Does Leo know? No, it would kill him.
Ryan.
Ryan.
Ryan.
Uh Finish your coffee.
The insurance rep arrived early.
Do you have Kristen's piss? I haven't been able to ask her.
You stall.
Jenna is squeezing out the last golden droplets of her once promising career.
Don't let that rep leave until I can make the switch.
You think you can handle that? It's a relief to tell someone about Arturo.
You're the only I need urine.
What? I need you to pee in this cup now.
Not how I expected the conversation to go.
I've a client facing a test.
She's not gonna pass if I don't get her some clean pee.
What, you're serious? Ryan, this is the same kind of thing that nearly got you disbarred.
I know, but it's just this once.
It's fraud, Ryan, I won't do it.
If you don't, I'll tell Leo about you and Dr.
Ramos.
Who are you? I'm sorry, but I'm desperate.
Call Leo.
Please.
Hello.
Four years of college and you're a piss collector? I bet your parents are real proud.
God, I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into him.
Wilfred, come.
I'm gonna lose Jenna, it's all your fault.
What the hell good are you? You're the one who told me to do whatever it takes.
Damn it, do whatever it takes now.
You're right.
I'm so sorry, Ryan.
Wilfred! Wilfred! Wilfred.
I'm gonna go get my keys.
It worked.
You can get up now.
Wilfred? Wilfred! So still no word from the doctor.
That was the insurance rep.
She said I passed the drug test.
That's great.
Congratulations.
I guess we'll have to wait to celebrate.
She also said I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God, look, Jenna No, this is good news.
I should call Drew.
I guess I'm getting married after all.
Jenna, wait.
Kristen, listen, I have to You've got nothing to hold overmy head anymore.
I just told Leo about my affair and he left me so I am going to Indla.
And by the way you're dead to me.
Good news.
He's gonna be okay.
How you doing, buddy? I don't know if you can hear me, but I've ruined everything.
You tried to warn me and I wouldn't listen.
I forgot who I was.
I know why you're here now.
To stop me from slipping down that slope.
Please, Wilfred I need you to pull me back up.
I need your help.
Who are you? Wilfred, it's me.
Help.
There's a stranger in my room.
Nurse.
Wilfred, I don't know what to do.
Nurse.
Tell me what to do.
You're upsetting the dog.
Leave.
I don't know you.
Tell me what to do.
Get out.
What are you doing? I'm writing my will.
Now you'll know what to do if anything happens to me.