A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

- Cierra, what's going on ?
- The fog is comin' ! We gotta run !
- What's the fog ?
- Do I look like a fogologist ?
You a Virgo. You always
be knowin' some random shit.
Has there ever in the history a fog
that has cleared up your acne,
picked you up from the airport,
or text when your man was
in the club ? No ! Let's go !
Don't act like I'm the one out
here asking dumb questions.
You're not a good motivator.
I don't respond well
to negative reinforcement, maybe
if you took a more amicable tone
Damn, I'm ashy.
Girl, you got to do better.
It's like that time you thought
Danae's paper cut was a sinkhole.
"FOG. Cocoa Butter."
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW
Episode 1
7 PM: 11 hours and 10 minutes
after The Event.
My turn. Never have I ever stolen
Wet N Wild makeup from the drugstore.
- Why say something you've done ?
- Strategy.
- Who strategizes "never have I ever" ?
- A winner, bitch. Ashley, your turn.
Never have I ever stolen a boyfriend
from my cousin, Quinta.
- Wait, me cousin Quinta ?
- I told you that in confidence.
- Sorry, Quinta. It was Dre.
- He had a Flintstone dick. It's OK.
- What's a Flintstone dick ?
- You use your feet to make it work.
Gabrielle, you go !
Never have I ever done
a walk of shame.
- You've never done a walk of shame.
- I wasn't ashamed, okay. Quinta.
Never have I ever sent love
poetry to Cornel West
and gotten a cease
and desist in return.
This game is stupid.
Let's just watch something on TV.
We've got "Beale Street," "Aladdin."
"Blank Panther" and other niggas.
"Baby Boy."
I haven't seen this in ages.
- We cancelled that movie. Misogyny.
- It's got Tyrese in it.
I still fap
to that Coca-Cola commercial.
Breathe, Roy.
This isn't the opening
of Clementine's Rib Shack and Show
Repair, it's the Aphrodite Theater !
And we gettin' paid in real money.
A man can only eat so many ribs.
Speak for yourself, Josephus.
Bring it in, fellas.
Let's hit it and get it.
Put your hands together
for Claude and The Boppers,
singing the hit that's taken
America's sweet tooth by storm,
"Ice Cream Shop" !
Also, I'm about to flip it
and dip it. Try to keep up.
One. Two.
One. Two.
One, two, three, four.
Holding hands
in the ice cream shop,
Of all the flavors,
you're the cream of the crop.
Holding hands in the ice cream shop.
A girl like you should never be alone.
Come taste the flavor
of my ice cream cone.
Your two scoops leave me at a loss.
I'll cover them
in my chocolate sauce.
Chocolate sauce goes on dessert.
Not on the Milk Duds
under your shirt.
We're just here to ask you out.
That's what the song
used to be about.
She'll satisfy any scratch
I need itchin'.
And once a week, I'll let her
out of the kitchen.
Every night she'll make my supper.
After the dishes,
she'll do me and my brother.
If she wants to,
that's one option.
In the myriad of the things
she could do.
For instance,
my wife is a teacher.
I love you, Sheila !
This wasn't my idea !
Girl, you're a stone cold fox.
Capable of drivin' a truck.
Or giving birth to our babies.
Or not.
Your uterus is yours
to do with as you will.
Fuckin' you in the ice cream shop.
Juggle my balls in the ice cream shop.
That's it ! Come on, Claude.
I'm fuckin' you. I'm fuckin' you.
The Boppers never performed again.
The next day, Claude died
in a tragic ball-juggling accident
in an ice cream shop.
But his legacy lives on
through the music
of his grandson
Chris Brown.
- Now stop ! Let's go.
- We
My job is not to supply
the conspiracy theory,
it's to be patient enough to let
the conspiracy theory supply me.
MEET YOUR NEW INSTRUCTOR
Our black family unit
is under threat.
Our men are unfocused
and unproductive,
doin' frivolous things
like gettin' therapy and smilin'.
Women are supposed
to be the keepers of the home,
but sisters are trying to exist
outside the role of wife and mother.
But if you're a wife or a mother,
you don't belong outside.
Take your shoes off.
WORLD RENOWNED PHILOSOPHIZER
White people will have you believe
our original sin is our existence.
Their sin is puttin' raisins
in food where it doesn't belong.
Jesus only ate mac and cheese
and so do I.
DR. HADDASSAH OLAYINKA
ALI-YOUNGMAN Pre-PhD
They'll tell you a black man
invented the traffic light,
but he also invented the color
yellow, red, and green.
But I'll tell you in my new
self-published book,
"I Hate My Green Eyes and Ham."
LEARN TO CONSPIRACIZE
Ignore the empirical evidence
that contradicts your beliefs !
Empirical ! Empire.
Free Jessie. Free your mind.
Free En Vogue.
DR. HADDASSAH OLAYINKA
ALI-YOUNGMAN Pre-PhD
BAD BITCH SUPPORT GROUP
I wake up an hour early
to put on my Fenty Highlighter
before my man wakes up.
I'm exhausted,
but I can't let Bae
see me with my bare face.
I've never been bare faced
in front of a man.
What would men do with a woman
who takes her cheekbones off
every night.
Do they even appreciate that you
put them on in the first place ?
Is a partner who doesn't
appreciate the cheek work
deserving of the cheek twerk ?
Sydney, just sleep in.
Your face got this.
The baddest I feel
is when my man worships
at the temple
of my natural flat face.
I wish I could have
a flat face all the time.
Tina, let Mya finish.
What's going on under
that lace front of yours ?
Sometimes I wish I was not
a Bad Bitch all the time.
Sometimes I wish I was
just an Okay Bitch.
We don't use that type
of language up in here, bitch.
I wanna wear
normal house slippers.
- Not three inch heel house shoes.
- Aye, stop whining.
Being a Bad Bitch is an honor.
This life chose us.
I want to sit down for five minutes
without wearing a waist trainer !
- Tryin' to take deep breaths ?
- Breathe when you die, honey.
Bitches, please !
Mya, where is this incredibly
fucked up feeling coming from ?
I saw this lady walkin' down
the street without lashes on.
And she didn't seem burdened by
the pressures of havin' bald eyes.
- She seemed fine bein' an Okay Bitch.
- How you know that ?
She could have been
a Bad Bitch with alopecia.
I've seen those.
No, she was an Okay Bitch.
I could tell by her wedges.
There's nothing wrong
with being an Okay Bitch.
- This bitch done lost her mind.
- If you're not a basic bitch.
Okay, she found it.
How am I supposed to feel safe in the
presence of an aspiring Okay Bitch.
Her attendance undermines
the whole notion
of the Bad Bitch support group.
You're supposed to be here to support
me, and I don't feel supported.
What is happening with Subject 4 ?
She seems to have built up
an immunity to the Foxycodone.
Double her dosage. If women start
rejecting impossible beauty standards,
we'll go out of business.
It isn't safe. She's already
at All-Star weekend levels !
I said double !
What is that ?
Is everything okay in there ?
Yes. Keep going.
Must be some Kickball Bitches
next door.
Oh, they must have on flat shoes.
7:12 PM: 11 hours and 22 minutes
after The Event.
Let me get this straight.
MJ, R. Kelly, Cosby, cancelled.
I need clarity on the particulars.
Mel Gibson is a racist asshole,
but I can still watch
"Lethal Weapon" for Danny Glover.
It's like a school group project.
If one person fucks up,
everyone gets cancelled.
What about "Mike Tyson Mysteries" ?
If he did the time, the cartoon is fine.
The cartoon is not fine.
What if I'm tryin' to get
into an empty house,
"Naked Gun" is on TV,
but it's the scene with OJ ?
The burglary is iffy, but OJ on TV ?
Turn around and walk right out.
Wait a minute !
Ashley has R. Kelly on her phone.
"I Believe I Can Fly".
Do you now, Ashley ?
I believe you a lie. Delete !
- It was the Jessica Simpson cover.
- You should've said it was R. Kelly.
Robin, where's your phone ?
You think I'm dumb enough
not to hide it ?
Quinta's dumb enough.
Is this a GIF of John Travolta
looking confused in "Pulp Fiction" ?
Weinstein produced that movie.
Delete.
Oh, she broke it.
Bitch. You gonna die.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill her !
This is of the utmost importance
to national security.
Are you sure you can handle it ?
I'm not I work in IT.
I'm not a spy.
It's me. I'm the agent.
I'm Trinity. So, yeah.
Trinity is incredible.
Her regular lookin' face
makes her nearly invisible
in the field. But she's a real legend.
It's Trinity's birthday.
Can you sign her card ?
I'm sitting right here.
You can sign it too. Just drop it
by my desk when you're done.
Make sure not to tell Trinity.
Tell me about the mission.
The syndicate's cover business
is a record label
called We Do International
Crimes Records.
It's pronounced Pew Pew Pew.
We'll need you to gain access
to the building.
Their security is tighter
than Jada Pinkett's mom's abs.
Last week, a top level agent just
walked right in a place like that.
- It was Agent
- Trinity.
We need you to obtain a hard drive
from Reynaldo Artiste's office.
You may know him as Larceny-o-Hall.
He invented going "skrrt" on records.
He also runs
the International Crime Ring.
He has a private security guard
who's so off the grid
the CIA has not been able
to ascertain anything about him.
We've given him a codename.
"Invisible Man."
The only thing we do know,
he's deadly.
He'll never even know I was there.
I know where I know you from.
You're my son's kindergarten teacher.
You know me from meeting me
a minute ago. Here, at the CIA.
I'm in.
You ain't slick !
I see you, Trinity.
Invisible Man is a woman ? A black
woman ? Do we know each other ?
I've been watching you
for a very long time.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Set off any of the sensors and
the room will fill with nerve gas.
You'll be dead in 30 seconds.
Good luck, sis.
- You're my evil twin or something ?
- Don't flatter yourself.
I actually have a face shape
that can carry off this haircut.
- I'm gonna have to kill you now.
- Not if I kill you first.
Wow, you're good.
I haven't had to fight
like this in years.
The last time I fought an assassin,
he saw some chick
- And he just
- Wandered away. Yeah.
Stop fighting.
Do you like working for Reynaldo ?
We grew up together,
I really care about him.
No matter how good you get at this,
he's not gonna notice you.
I know
I'm just here for a hard drive.
Give it to me.
Reynaldo goes down alone,
and the CIA never hears about you.
I'll give you a 5 minute head start
to do what you do best. Disappear.
Top left drawer.
Damn, she's good.
We're living in the Matrix. Truth
tellers have got to be fearless.
We have to be brave enough
to stand up and say
we all descended
from the Asiatic Black Woman.
Her name was Ermaline.
LEARN TO MATHEMATICIZE
AND SCIENCIZE
I reject geometry. It's the Ancient
White Man's way of shaping our world.
A triangle's just the white body
upside down. It's top heavy.
LEARN TO DECOLONIZE
YOUR THOUGHTS
If a white woman stands accused
of a crime, she did it.
But if a black woman stands
accused, she didn't do that shit.
I saw a sister holding a bloody
knife over a dead body yellin',
"I murked this nigga !"
But as far as I'm concerned,
on that day,
not nary a nigga was murked.
I'm Dr. Haddassah Olayinka
Ali-Youngman, Pre-PhD.
And this is my Masterclass.
Although I reject the term "master"
because I will never be enslaved
mentally, physically,
nor spiritually, metaphysically,
biologically, specifically,
pacifically, Michael E. Lee,
Robert E. Lee, none of the Lees.
She's here ?
She shows her face
like she didn't break up with me
via the comment section
of a VenMo transaction.
She act like she can't see me.
Drea, help me get on this table.
Please, don't do this. I got
eight exes in this corner alone
and you don't see me
causing a scene.
Ooh, this is my shit.
Is she gonna act like we're not
gonna get back together 12 times
before we break up for good ?
The audacity. The gall. The temerity.
She gonna do me dirty,
I'm gonna take her to the car wash.
Is this nigga copyin' me ?
- Are you listenin' ? I'm in crisis.
- Shut up. This bitch is bitin'.
If I wanted to see drama, I would
just watch a Tyler Perry comedy.
I did not watch "Hotline Bling"
42 times to be disrespected like this.
MEANWHILE
- I'm sorry, babe.
- Okay, babe.
Let me just get down.
Rollin' the dice ?
That's Drea's shit.
Drea ? Drea ? Wake up !
You not even out
to your Grams yet,
how am I gonna explain you died
at a lesbian party, girl ? Wake up !
2 MINUTES LATER
- You sure you're okay ?
- Man, I'm Gucci.
I'm not leaving the turn up
just because I passed out
under mysterious circumstances.
Oh, this is my jam. Yay !
- Why are you dancin' like that ?
- Like what ?
Like you not cuttin' a rug,
like the rug is cuttin' you.
What's wrong with us ?
That bitch literally stole
our dance moves !
I told you to get fuel.
We're about to die and you're
still worried about your ex ?
Bitch, worry about
saving the planet.
I'm trying to impress Ggysndi.
Now help me get on this table.
7:15 PM: 11 hours and 25 minutes
after The Event.
Delete !
Again ! Oh, she broke it.
Bitch. You gonna die.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill you ! When I get
free, Gabrielle, you are mad dead !
- Calm down. It's just a phone.
- It's not the end of the world.
All right. It is.
My bad. That's on me.
If you diet on swine,
you'll live to only be nine.
Everybody knows it.
If he don't see that cheek work,
he can't get that cheek twerk.
Go, boyfriend. Go, best friend.
I know fish is delicious,
but so is family.
Said the Donner Party. What ?
Now I'm making cannibal jokes.
You may know him
as Larcenioooo
This class is not free, but I do
accept EBT. I have more Shit.
END OF EPISODE 1