A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Your Boss Knows You Don't Have Eyebrows

"NO MAKE-UP" Hey, girl.
9:57 AM ? Again, Shayla ? We started calling you Office Lauryn Hill.
Toni, I'm trying.
It just takes so long to beat this face.
Then don't.
You got melanin, you don't need NARS when you got skin like ours.
That's cute for you, Alicia Keys, but if I don't wear makeup somebody always asks, "Are you okay ? You look sick.
" - It's not that serious.
- It is that serious.
Last time I did not wear makeup, I got pulled in to being a zombie on The Walking Dead.
I did make 500 dollars, but it hurt my feelings.
- Did you get to meet Rick ? Cool.
- That is not cool.
- I don't want to look like death.
- It's better than looking unemployed.
THE NEXT MORNING 08:59:30 - Shayla 'bout to get that chop - Look who's here before 9:00 AM.
Well, well God damn ! Are you okay ? Who did this to you ? I just don't have makeup on.
I knew you would do this.
I didn't know, how could I have known It was unknowable.
At least I saved an hour getting ready.
Besides, customers can't see me through the phone, who cares ? Millstone Coffee Company, how can I brew up an answer for you ? Let me place you on a brief hold.
You ever steal coffee ? I do.
Your shipment is on its way.
Talk to you later, percolator.
God damn, Shayla ! You look like you just walked out of an ICU ! That's just how you see me.
This is just my natural face.
Then how is that IV hanging outta your arm ? There's no IV.
Now shh ! I'm trying to do my work, I suggest you do the same.
Millstone Coffee Company, how have you bean ? - We came as we could, baby ! - Daddy's here, daddy's here.
- Jesus, please, save my friend ! - Reverend, I'm glad you could come.
Lemme place you on a brief hold.
Father God, welcome this child into your kingdom in your divine timing, any minute now, if it hasn't happened already.
It's in your name that we pray over this near corpse, amen ! I'm back, sure, I can do that, your shipment is on the way.
You fucking with my coffee commission ! No, Shayla, you are my best friend At work.
Okay, fine, but before you go I've gotta tell you the truth.
I'm the one who's been eating your lunches.
- Son of a b - Okay, outta the way ! Clear ! Clear ! Time of death, 9:22 AM.
Oh no ! - It's okay - What happened ? Hey, girl, you ready to hit this happy hour ? Shayla ? You died, your homegoing is on Saturday.
No, it's not.
Oh shit, smudged my lipstick.
Might as well start over.
No, no, no, no, no ! A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW Episode 2 It's not the end of the world ! Oh right, it is.
Earlier That Morning 8:00 AM, 10 minutes after The Event - Bottoms up, hos ! - Cheers ! We made it, okay ? And you all have me to thank.
No, seriously, now would be a good time to thank me.
When you sent us a Facebook invite to the end of the world, I did not believe you.
I clicked yes 'cause you're my best friend.
And now here we are, the last four people on Earth.
- Cheers.
- We did it ! Wait ! Why are we fucking around with champagne when as of 10 minutes ago all drugs are legal ? We're celebrating.
We have an eternity to figure out what happens, but right now we have no jobs, no taxes to pay No mediocre white men getting promoted over us ! No Sallie Mae calling me all the time like I'm her man.
- No police.
- What ? This is for celebration, okay ? Follow me ! Your dildo-to-alcohol ratio is all off.
I should've packed more dildos.
Don't laugh, don't look at me like I'm the only one with weird stuff.
Matter of fact, you.
What's in your bag, Ashley ? - That did not go well for you.
- You opened up the wrong suitcase.
Robin's the freak.
Damn, Robin ! Can I get a Vicodin with a side of IV ? Quinta, stop eye-fucking my bag.
You probably got a Burning Man in yours.
- Yep, I stand correct.
- It's just the essentials.
All these pills and no panties.
None of y'all know how to pack, so you're gonna be trying to borrow my stuff.
We're not.
I forgot my head scarf.
Ashley, do you have an extra one ? No, because I don't wear a scarf.
- Because you sleep in a bonnet ? - I just don't cover my hair at night.
What the fuck is wrong with you ? Do you, Chris, take Lachel to be your lawfully wedded wife ? Do I ? Okay, very cute.
The answer, son, is "I do.
" For sure, look at her.
Sorry, you need to say the phrase "I do.
" Just to make it legal.
I got you, ask me again.
Do you, Chris, take Lachel to be your lawfully wedded wife ? - Don't I ? - Not quite.
I don't Just kidding, of course I can.
- Babe, come on.
- Just say, "I do.
" Don't rush a nigga ! We have this place for 45 minutes, then they're having a hair show ! Babe, we're almost there, okay ? You love me, right ? - Yeah, I got love for you, baby.
- Okay, then just say, "I do.
" I - Bam, we good ? - Bam, we ain't.
- Chris, it's not hard to say.
- It goes without saying.
- It very much does not.
- All right.
Hold on.
Y'all hot ? Is it hot ? No, yeah, it's just me ? Chris, quit playing and just say it, goddammit.
It goddammit.
Why y'all booing ? Settle down, I'll handle this ! Young man, you've got this, we're just gonna slow it down.
- You, Chris.
- Me, Chris.
- Take Lachel.
- I know her.
- To be.
- She cool.
- Your lawfully wedded wife.
- That's a funny word.
I mean, I fucks with her ! Hard though, heavy.
I fucks with you ! Sir, sir ! If you don't say "I do," you gonna lose your beautiful wife.
- Do you wanna tap that ass tonight ? - I do ! I do ! I was playing 'cause I be playing like that.
- Keeping you in suspense.
- Thank you, pastor.
Thank Jesus 'cause that was nothing short of a miracle.
Do you, Lachel, take Chris to be your lawfully wedded husband ? I do ! That's great ! To have and to hold ? What's the difference between having and holding ? - From this day forward ? - Like this day, or the day forward ? It's already tomorrow in Japan.
- For better or for worse ? - Does anyone pick worse ? - For richer or for poorer ? - Who's picking poorer ? - In sickness or in health ? - How he get sick ? Is his throat itchy ? Why is this negro's throat itching ? You deserve each other ! Just be man and wife, you are pronounced ! You heard that, baby ? "We pronounce.
" - We married ! - Bam, we good ! This is black love right here.
Thank you, thank you.
Bye ! Oh shit ! Hair comes the bride ! So, no scarf ? Like a black chick on a TV show written by white people ? I get headaches very easily.
Unnecessary pain is an important part of being a black woman.
What happened to the satin pillowcase I gave you ? It was like sleeping on a rollercoaster.
What about your moisture, your edges, your crown ? I use Carol's Daughter's moisturizing spray, and Mixed Chicks leave-in, and DevaCurl stretching cream, plus my wash day products There it is.
You wouldn't need all these if you wrapped your hair at night ! - Do you know what I go through ? - She sleeps in a wig.
When I lost my edges, I had to rub Monistat on my shit for six months to grow them back.
- I remember that.
- You are disrespecting your hair.
Are we all just ignoring the Monistat thing ? I was hoping we would.
This is not a grocery store, stop it ! Is that a pick ? CODE NAME: TRINITY THE CIA'S BEST AND MOS REGULAR LOOKING AGEN TARGE CODE NAME: THE RECLUSE - Oh fuck, it's a trap.
- You work here, right ? I just need help.
I don't know if you have a small Damn girl, you're good.
I just came up here to smoke a cigarette.
So That the best you can do ? And I'd heard such good things about your CIA training Trinity.
Putting a bullet through your brain so I can see through it won't be as fun.
Hey, knock, knock.
- Who's there ? - No one, 'cause you're dead.
Wait I'm sorry.
You are so hot, I'm having trouble focusing.
- This has never happened before.
- Has this ? Perfect timing.
I just used your CIA login to obtain the codes.
You seduced someone in to giving it to you ? Pathetic.
I'm pathetic ? I'm selling America's nuclear codes to Russia, and you're tied to a chair ! Like a baby ! A kidnapped baby ! It's been a while since I've done a villain speech.
I took a break to have a baby.
I can't stop thinking about him.
That's what your body looks like after a baby ? Fuck off ! You'll never get away with this.
Who's gonna stop me, you ? You have no idea how much I hate you, Trinity.
I've been plotting your demise for months.
Somebody's obsessed with me.
Every day I wake up, look at your picture and say, "One day I'm gonna kill that woman.
" But tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and say, "Yesterday I killed that woman !" Got Recluse.
Send Backup.
Now it's time for you to die ! My baby and I have a flight to catch and she's gonna cry the whole time ! You just ran into some turbulence.
- Surprise, bitch ! - What ? - But I saved you, I let you go.
- You ruined me.
So you could go clean, I was being nice.
I like being a criminal.
It's more fun, the pay is better.
I used to hide in plain sight, that was my thing, but you outed me ! I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't, and I hated it ! - You looked amazing.
- It was very uncomfortable.
Neither of us can live if the other survives.
That's the sound of the good guys winning.
Stand down ! Trinity, we got your message.
Where's the Recluse ? - She's right there.
- Where ? I'll be out of your hair in a minute.
Janitor ma'am ? This is official government business.
Please, leave.
- This is the Recluse.
- Hey.
You need a psych eval.
Can you at least tell me what brand waist trainer that was ? Please.
No ! It's the Basic Ball ! A ball for the rest of the LGBT cuties.
On tonight we all serve ferocity, whether you're Mother Exhausted from the House of Tired, or one of the Eternal Children of the House of Forever 21.
Y'all better bring it ! The category is clinical depression.
For all my children serving chemical imbalance realness, that's right, make your way to the floor, if you can.
You are tired, you are unmedicated for the gods ! Walk for the judges, now vogue.
I see you eating carbs, I see you ! I see you too depressed to leave the house.
I'm looking for sadness, I'm looking for Eeyore in Dior.
She is serving you a whole nap, bitch is in full deep-REM sleep on the floor ! Judges, your score.
10, 10, 10.
Diagnose it, it's depression.
The next category is Barbecue Daddies, come through, Barbecue Daddies ! Oh yes, I have two daddies and they are serving me leather and linen.
They're serving me let's argue about routes to work.
"I take the 405 to PHC.
" "I just stay on Cahuenga the whole down".
You'll gag ! They are cookout ready, Betty ! He didn't start the grill until everybody showed up, and now you won't be eating 'til nighttime, he's late.
He's basic as fuck, it's breathtaking, you better work.
He is passing out matching shirts at the family reunion, barbecue thrillness, layers, judges, layers.
Serving and mispronouncing all of your friends' names wrong, realness.
Serving calls your friend Terrell your friend Tyrell.
Judges, your cards please.
Ten, nine, nine.
Family reunion, daddy, grab your trophy.
Running errands, the next category is running errands.
Did you remember your reusable canvas bag ? I'm having all of it.
Work girl, she has all the receipts.
She knows the return policy, and she will not take store credit, baby ! She's running a quick errand and didn't think anyone would see her, but you ran into your boss, now he knows you don't have eyebrows ! She is serving you a full Whoopi Goldberg.
Judges, your scores, please.
10, 10, 10s across the board.
And now it's time for the grand finale.
The category is Just Awkward in the Body.
There's nothing wrong with you, you're just awkward in the body.
Yes, you are so awkward.
You are serving me, we both said goodbye, but now we're walking in the same direction awkwardness.
The waiter just said, "Enjoy your meal" and this bitch said, "You too," you too ! Bitch, he's not eating, he's at work ! Oh my god, the tryhardiness, yes, she's a queen of awkwardness ! Judges ? 10.
Shut up ! 10 10 ! Across the board, and that's the walk of the night ! Yes ! 8:10 AM, 20 minutes after The Event - I'll be able to sleep tonight ! - What are we doing ? Sleeping in a scarf is our idea of blackness, not necessarily hers.
No, there is no right way to be black.
I don't eat chicken.
- What ? - Why ? Chicken is delicious.
Okay, you know what ? Actually that's fair.
I don't like The Five Heartbeats.
I don't think Leon's interesting.
What is wrong with you ?! Since we're having a truth time, I do not wear lotion.
Wait, I'm sorry, hold on, what ? I don't like how it feels like when I sweat Oh, you said lotion ? Oh no, fuck that.
Morning, Fatimah.
I lost my favorite coffee mug last Friday, it's a white mug that says "Killin' It".
Has anyone returned it ? Not on my watch.
Let's review the security footage from the office.
- There's a camera in my office ? - I seen into all of your business.
We never review the footage unless we're looking for something specific, or when I'm keeping an eye on all my office dips, they cannot be talking to each other.
It's a lot of 'em.
It's just a mug, don't worry about it.
Rewind ! Okay, here we are, last Friday.
There's my mug.
Thank you, girl.
You have more important things to do.
I don't.
Besides, if we don't look out for each other, who will ? Look at me, filing my nails at work, how embarrassing.
One time I took my braids out right here.
I respect your hustle.
No, oh god ! Turn that off and focus on cleaning this up over here.
I got no business trying to act healthy.
What are you doing ? I was just Lysol-ing my desk.
Kathy had been by with her sickly ass.
We should go give her a flu shot instead of watching this footage.
Stop the tape ! What are you, girl What is you doing ? - Oh shit ! - That's not a knife ! - Wait.
You stole my mug ? - Shit, it's your girl.
I forgot I stole that shit.
I get it.
Okay, so you wanted to catch me stealing your mug, so that you pretended to murder somebody in your office.
- You are clever.
- Yes.
I pretended.
Hey, Fatimah.
I can't seem to find my mug.
It's like forest green, it says, "Stabbin' is My Cardio".
Have you seen it ? - Bitch, you sure ? - Shit ! You better gag the children.
Is this a burger or a hockey puck ? I don't know, you cooked it.
- Y'all need to hair-y up.
- That your cousin ? - I don't know.
- I like her hair though.
Can you do your hair like a helicopter ? Like a triangle ? - The Empire State Building ? - I could do that.
Hey, Fatimah.
I can't seem to find my mug.
It's forest green, it says, "OJ Simpson's My Hero".
Neither of us can win, and nobody Nope, that's not it.
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