A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

3rd & Bonaparte Is Always in the Shade

That's the real reason why Eminem should say 'nigga.
' Oh my god ! That's my high school band teacher, Ms.
Johnson ! Hey ! So weird.
I went to vacation bible school with that girl.
Dewayne ? What is happening ? And one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six.
Oh my god ! What did you do ? Shimmy to the air, jump, jump ! They gonna up-jump baby, look at 'em.
Hands to the sky.
When did everybody learn Should I know this thing ? No, no, no Asia Naomi Campbell, will you marry me ? What the fuck is wrong with you ? Why would you propose ? You've just lost your job.
I quit my job to devote myself to organizing this flash mob ! You told me you got fired.
I cussed out your boss ! It's a viral proposal ! It's what you always wanted ! What I always wanted was to find a black lady therapist in-network, but I guess I dream too big.
- Darling ! - Mom ? Isn't this just everything ? Your mother will be on the YouTube ! And they are gonna love me ! What are you doing here ? You called him "that fuckboy" just last week.
And yesterday ! Hey, bestie ! You know how I feel about the art of the dance.
When your fuckboy asked me to choreograph this proposal, how could I say no ? That is huge ! You can't afford that ! I put everything on a credit card in both our names.
Honey, this fine young man is trying to do something nice for you.
- Dad ? - I found Clarence on Facebook.
What are you doing here ? You abandoned us twelve years ago.
- I did not know that.
- It's true.
Since you were getting married, you probably wanted your father here.
I am not getting married.
Secondly, I never want you anywhere.
Ever ! That kind of attitude is why you can't get a man.
There's one proposing to me right now ! I'm sorry, everyone, it's just we've only been dating for three months.
Your father proposed to me, we'd only been dating for three days.
You tried to set me up with one of your coworkers last week.
He is garbage, but this is a dream come true ! And I love to dance ! She do love to dance.
The rest of y'all, none of you like him ! He doesn't eat vegetables.
His fingernails stay dirty.
- He says "irregardless.
" - I do not return text messages.
- Why would you participate in this ? - It's your 35th birthday next month.
So now you remember my birthday ? Shut the fuck up, Clarence ! Everybody, this is over ! Go to Cheesecake Factory or something.
Except for you.
You disappear from my life again.
- Baby.
Sweetheart ! - You called my mom ? Honey Honey A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW Episode 3 4 hours and 10 minutes after The Event - Dang, I miss my man.
- Girl, which one ? - My main one, Kevin.
- I miss men in general.
We haven't even been here a full day.
Y'all some thirsty bitches.
Kevin was a good boyfriend.
He stole my car one time, but he brought that shit back.
With a girl in it.
You have bad taste in men.
I only date tall dudes.
They are confident, they don't need to cheat.
Have you never heard of the NBA ? That's why I like my men exactly 5'6".
No more, no less.
This short queen stands for her short, faithful kings.
You know what I like ? Big feet.
Not for dick reasons.
I like to share shoes.
I wear a men's size 12.
I prefer no feet ! I don't want them to be able to walk away.
And I love a man with big, thick arms.
Four of 'em, so he can work two jobs.
- Nice teeth, huh ? - But with a gap ! - A bald head.
- And big, hairy back.
- I don't care ! Judge me.
- I got it.
This is y'all's dream dude.
Don't laugh.
He look just like Kevin ! - You got bad taste.
- I'd cut her off.
The Reefs have an exciting year of gang banging ahead of us.
Scat, scat, scat ! But first, let's murk these announcements.
This year, you can now work from home two days a week as part of our new tele-bang policy.
And we're increasing our paid parental leave from four months to six months.
Lowerin' my risk of postpartum like a muthafucka.
We're not calling it 'maternity leave' anymore because we don't wanna be complicit in enforcing a cis-normative agenda.
We got a few new members today.
Let's start off with an icebreaker.
State your name, where you're from, and one positive thing you hope to get out of being in the gang.
Young blippity ? You first.
Hi, everybody.
My name Jess.
I'm originally from Houston.
But no, I don't know Beyonce.
You wild ! I'm just really happy to be here.
I think that's it.
Hold up ! I axed you to include a positive tidbit ! Oh, my bad.
I'm just really tryin' to give back No ! You were too busy being a comedian ! And since you don't wanna follow instructions, I'm assigning your mark ass to the corner of 3rd and Bonaparte.
3rd and Bonaparte ? But that corner stay in the shade.
I get cold.
Pack a light jacket, buster.
Don't let this 401(k) fool you.
- I'll still fuck you up ! - Okay, bad.
Blippity Please note that after this meeting, we will be taking a tour of Reef territory, including all of our satellite corners.
Shelly will be giving assignments to all of our new members while Wanda Yikes over here will keep her same breezy-ass corner.
Who next ? State your name and your goals for trappin'.
Why you sittin' there lookin' stupid ? - You axed me my name.
- I also asked for your goals ! - To bang.
- You too cool ? You can't introduce yourself with enthusiasm ? You been a Reef for what, five minutes ? You already tryin' a stunt ? You didn't even finish your start paperwork, homie ! Finish an 1-9 without lookin' at your driver's license, nigga ! That's hard, nigga ! What ? Okay.
Why don't you take your tough ass and wash our delicates ? That's nasty though ! Use an unscented, toxin-free detergent.
Nigga got eczema.
Next ! Oh, is it my turn ? Tee-hee-hee.
What the fuck do you mean, "is it my turn ? Tee-hee-hee" ? What part of next don't you understand ? Someone's about to get fired.
And I mean fired-fired.
- You don't have to kill her ! - Kill her ? Only thing about to die is her career.
Yeah, take your gun, your motivational posters, and don't even think about a severance package ! Monster.
com, where even mark-ass busters get hired.
And we mean hired-hired.
Jesus, take me to the higher ground ! - In Jesus' name, Amen.
- Amen.
Now, before I re-baptize everybody I caught out in the club last night, does anybody have a prayer request or testimonial ? Please, feel free to bring it forward in Jesus' name.
Sister Keisha ? Praising father God, the head of my life.
I'm asking the congregation to pray for me and my stand-up comedy career 'cause it is a challenge to find open mic time.
You ever be on an airplane and they serve you some whack food ? What's that like ? You rich.
Shit, I only fly SouthWorst.
Okay, what else ? Let me think.
Look at pastor.
Preachers be preachin' ! Black people pray like this.
Oh, father god, baby.
White people pray like this.
You ever had a nigga put you in the friend zone ? What a friend we have in Jesus.
And his zone is in heaven.
You were killin' all right, you was dead on arrival.
Does anybody have an actual prayer request ? Please come forward.
Mornin', saints.
I have a testimony.
You can take my resume out of the church bulletin because I just got a new job in market research ! Won't he do it ? But I still need prayer.
I'd like to ask our heavenly father How many y'all drink Sprite ? Praise the lord And would those of you who did not raise your hand be more willing to drink it if you saw it drunk in a commercial by the likes of Miss Angela Bassett ? Thank you for your prayer.
Oh ! Amen.
Thank you, pastor.
Church, I want to ask you to please pray for my daughter, Kiley.
She needs a man ! Anybody here today that is single and has good credit, raise your hand and shout unto the heavens, hallelujah ! I'm lookin' at you, local Denzel.
All tall, dark, and fine.
Sittin' there in the third row.
Find your way to my baby's DM.
Her Twitter is Facebook her, okay ? No, like her on the Gram ! Like her pictures on the Gram ! All right ! Let's let anything that is breathing, please stay on topic.
And if we have any of god's obedient creatures in the house, let them come forward.
Oh, lord.
Lord, help my daughter to sell these Scout cookies so she can go on this camping trip.
For the lord said unto them, "Come get these Thin Mints.
" Amen.
I need y'all to pray, follow, and turn your post notifications for my popular Instagram page, @TheBlackGirlTraveler.
And using my offer code, you can pray for 20 percent off at the Palm Springs Resort and Spa.
This altar is not here for no SponCon.
It's not here for no comedy.
It's not here for no thin mints or trefoils ! Can I get a witness ? Does anybody up in here need a prayer ? Then come on.
- My name James, and I need a prayer.
- You go ahead on, son.
Here I am in church, making a prayer request to y'all.
Very memorable.
Matter of fact, if somebody were to ask you, "Where was James Arthur Kelly at 2:45, July 25th, Sunday afternoon ?" you'd say, "Officer, he was in church all morning," "certainly not anywhere near 1st Street.
" Can somebody call the police ? Jesus, take me to the higher ground ! I was on a first date with this dude, and he asked that corny line that dudes love to ask.
"Why is a girl like you still single ?".
So I said why are you still single ? He said, "I'm not.
I'm married.
" Turns out married dudes love to hit on fat chicks.
- I told it to you.
- You did tell me.
- I have a thing for mature men.
- I could do it.
One time I went out with a man He was 30 years older than me.
On our first date, he told me how he integrated his high school.
It was really actually informative.
I am all down for civil rights, but that is too mature for me.
Although I do like to learn something, most of the men I date are dumb.
One time, I went out with this fine personal trainer.
We sat down to eat, and he was like, "Oh, it's so sad what happened," "all them people died in that toot-sami in Indonesia.
" "That toot-sami was such a disaster.
" I was like, I don't want to correct you, but it's pronounced tsunami.
He put his hand over mine and was like, "Oh, no.
There's a T.
" So dumb.
Look, home training.
I like my niggas home trained.
Trust, girl.
I went out with this guy when I was on low carb.
But my salmon came with mashed potatoes and spinach.
Instead of mashed potatoes, I was gonna get another vegetable.
When the waiter starts going over my vegetable options, this dude goes, "Actually, I'll take her mashed potatoes.
" His meal came with mashed potatoes too.
So he had his mashed potatoes and my mashed potatoes.
Then, in the middle of the meal, he asked for a to-go box.
And proceeds to box up my mashed potatoes ! And We split the check.
- Who raised him ? - That's where you messed up.
You let him hit though ? Yeah, what that got to do with what I just said ? Kwame was my wingman at the Senior Step Show, but he stepped off with Hannah's heart.
In another life, this could be my wedding.
It's funny.
I'm fine.
To Hannah and Kwame.
Come on, Brian.
You knew you never had a chance with me.
It's time for a toast from the maid of honor, my sister, Hailey.
Peace, brothers and sisters.
I'm emancipated from that slave name.
I've told you many times via group text, address me as Doctor Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman.
You can't just put Doctor in front of your name, Hailey.
- Only Oprah can do that for you.
- Congrats to the newlyweds ! Kwame and my beloved baby sister who still embraces her devil name, Hannah.
Hannah reduces to Ha and Nah.
Ha being the laughter of our oppressors, and Nah, she shouldn't be using that name.
It's gonna Aunt Maybelle's funeral all over again.
Her Igbo name is Nkechi Amare Diallo.
That's Rachel Dolezal's counterfeit African name.
No, we are reclaiming that name back from the edgeless white woman who pretended to be a black woman just to get that name from us.
They always plottin'.
- I told you she was crazy.
- You didn't tell me she was deep.
This blood diamond on your finger is just a symbol of your ideological entrapment.
Ring, ring.
Slavery's calling.
That doesn't make any sense ! What doesn't make sense is y'all jumping the broom.
Now is not the time.
How many Caucasian seconds must pass before I can speak the truth ? Open your ears to blow your mind.
Jumping the broom was not something our ancestors did.
There weren't even brooms in Africa because there was no dirt.
The Europeans gave us sticks although they had vacuum cleaners.
Dyson breaks down to Dy-Son.
They want us to kill our children.
They tried to humiliate us ! I'm humiliated.
The truth is you two have a beautiful black love that most people would be elated to find.
Although what me and my king, Supreme Rahmeek, have transcends your earthy definition of love.
We exchanged our vows on the ancestral plane amongst vibranium.
Not down here on your earthly plane.
Also he refuses to marry me on this plane, for tax reasons.
Do taxes work like that ? So technically, on this plane, she's single.
But in your ignorance, I find a beautiful opportunity to educate the newest member of our family.
Raise your glasses.
Take off your shoes and throw your pork on the floor.
That's it ! If you don't sit your five percent ass a hundred percent of the way down, I'm cutting off your inheritance, Hailey.
Okay, daddy.
Does Supreme Rahmeek let you have friends ? Yeah, he do.
4 hours and 55 minutes after The Event - Who's gonna make cheese? You? - Yeah, I'll do it.
Oh, no.
No, that's it.
If we survived, then surely at least one man survived.
So I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna call him Kevin.
She bought us Beyonce tickets back when we couldn't afford lemonade.
- We can't just let her go.
- Yes, we can.
She just went in the closet.
THE REBOO There's no place like home ! I mean no place, child.
I can't believe we owe 35 years of back taxes on this place, since we bought the building.
I kept watching the bills pile up, but I didn't think they were serious.
Of course they're serious, Rose.
If I wanted to give my money away, I'd donate to Calvin's fake basketball team.
Calvin's team not fake.
They just awful.
Sorry, Pearl.
At least we have each other.
- I shouldn't even be complaining.
- But it's what you do best.
That's why I never worked.
Not a day in my life.
No job, no taxes.
It's my fault, Mary.
But if anyone can fix it, it's you.
I'll figure it out.
I've seen ugly times before.
But what's your face got to do with your finances ? Morning, Pearl.
Morning, Rose.
Why the long face, Mary ? You just find out Luther Vandross died ? No.
If you must know, we could lose 227.
We're in deep tax trouble.
That happened to me once.
I was dating this shady accountant.
He was a nerdy man, but he had a big ledger - If you know what I'm sayin'.
- Everyone knows.
She's talking about his actual ledger, right ? We're about to do the nasty one day and a couple of goons show up, and they're like, "Pay us what you owe, Cletus.
" I'm like, "Don't hurt me, I'm an innocent bystander !" Obviously I wasn't standing.
Does this story have a point ? I'd love to stab my eye out with it.
Cletus just sold his kidney and got those guys off his back.
- You'll be okay too, Mary.
- Thank you.
Somebody call me a Lyft.
I've had too many backseat hookups, and I have a bad rating.
- See you tonight, honey.
- Lester.
I need to talk to you.
- I'm late for work.
- It's important.
- What is it, baby ? - We need money.
Lots of it.
That's it, reel him in real slow-like.
- I don't have time for this.
- I'm tired of you blowing me off.
We barely speak anymore.
I really need to talk to you, and you're not gonna ignore me one more minute ! I can't do this.
There is something you need to know.
- I'm leaving you for Sandra.
- What ? Calvin, come see this ! - I'm sorry, Mary.
- Sorry, Mary.
- What is happening ? - This.
Thank god.
It was only a dream.
Mary, wake up.
You won't believe the nightmare I just had ! Jesus, lord.
Just a dream.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, wake up ! Thank goodness it was a dream.
I better stop drinking before bed.
- Lester.
I need to talk to you.
- Not now, Mary.
I'm late for work.
- And so does my stool.
- Mary, put your stuff back up there.
- I mean fired-fired ! - Oh no ! Dog, come on now.
Kill her ? I need to yell before you say Queen India Arie said it best.
"There is no substitute for the truth.
Either it is, or it isn't.
" Sometimes I shave my legs, sometimes I don't ! Pearl, what I say about leaving the window open ? - Sorry, Dad.
- It's okay, baby.
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