A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Where Are My Background Singers?

Mushrooms make Imani feel so freee ! Mushrooms make Maddie feel everything.
My weave is trying to eat me ! It's Maddie's divorce party.
You should be having fun.
- Oh, please, don't let it get me.
- Stop eating my friend ! We got to call 9-1-1.
My heart's beating fast.
I'm gonna die ! Bitch ! I dare you.
- I'm too young for her to die ! - There are drugs everywhere ! I am not going to jail for felony possession by association.
9-1-1 ? Oh, hey, it's Eboni.
How long do drugs last ? 'Cause I'm fucked all the way up ! Y'all got me fucked up.
Inviting the 5-0 ! Maybe they'll send stripper firefighters.
She said her name was Eboni.
They sending the cops ! They're definitely sending the cops.
I got a white area code.
- Oh, god.
- Eboni ! Everybody, mouths shut ! Nobody move ! Oh my god ! What is wrong with you ? - I'm sorry, y'all ! Good luck ! - No, don't leave me ! God damn it, Maddie ! Katy ! Help ! Help us, please, somebody ! Oh, my god, please, pull over ! Please, pull over.
She's coming for us.
Oh, shit.
No, no, no ! I'm Katy Campbell.
I'm tough on drugs.
And I want to be your next City Councilperson.
My right armpit sweats more than the left.
That's why I always sit on your left side at the movies.
Are we playing regulars or triples and doubles ? I told you I was only playing trips and dubs, black on black violence.
We are just trying to pass the time, not kill each other.
- Next round, no fancy rules.
- A perfectly reasonable compromise.
- That I refuse to participate in.
- Overreacting in a calm demeanor.
Get your Uno out ass back in the game.
Is "trips and dubs" really the hill you want to die on ? - That's racist.
- Not racist.
Not racist alert.
"The hill you want to die on" comes from soldiers who Let me open your eyes to the history of Baldwin Hills.
Also known as the Black Beverly Hills.
The neighborhood was built as the first Olympic Village to house black and white athletes together.
White people saw it as forced integration and were determined to punish the affluent black residents who settled there after the Olympics.
So white engineers built the Baldwin Hills Dam on an active fault line.
So it was no surprise then when a massive crack formed in the dam, flooding the area with 250 million gallons of water.
Killing five people.
The local news broadcast the whole disaster from helicopters.
They wanted to make sure the world saw black people die on those hills.
- Is that true ? That can't be true.
- That's so fucked up.
- Uno ! - Bitch, cheating ass.
What ho, fair niggas ! Yeah, make merry, go ham.
#bardigang #barbz Hey, if thou takest pics, tag me on the 'Gram.
Methinks I throweth the hottest parties.
This next dope track goes out to Gang Bardi.
- Forsooth, you mad pretty, sis.
- Thou look'st like Trevante Rhodes.
Oh shit.
This bird box, I may let you hit.
I came to stan my queen, and yet, knew not I'd meet my own Offset.
To stay, or should I flee ? The one I love stans Cardi B.
Rome, dear 'cuz ! Hadst thou lost thine natural mind ? She reps for she who writes not her own rhymes.
Cousin Julissa, what is this treasonous act ? His fave, Onika, simply does not slap.
House Bardi and Minaj on this concur.
You got us fucked all the way up.
Co-sign me not with that foul sound.
I fight niggas, don't end up on the ground.
Before y'all bring a bloody end to this bacchanalia, I'll play greatest female rapper, Iggy Azalea.
Boo not, boo not.
I'll play Nicki.
Why you gotta be a Barb ? Deny the standom and refuse its name.
Fret not.
Like Cardi and Offset, on and off again, their love shined bright despite attempts at stifling.
So shall we not part because stans are triflin'.
'Less you denounce your fandom, our family won't work.
For whom, dear Rome, would our children twerk ? In truth, my love, we can never kick it.
I already bought Bardi boncert tickets.
Without you, I wouldn't even wish to draw breath.
So if we can't be together alive, then let's get it poppin' in death.
- Wait a minute.
A suicide pact ? - Something like that.
Nay ! Social suicide.
Rome, I can't believe you did unstan.
I know for this I asked, but that's extreme.
God damn.
And so begins my quick and painful end.
My love, 'tis true.
If yours is as well, catch these Ls as I have caught for you.
I love thee.
Here I go.
And thus, with a kiss, I die, my nigga.
Come on.
It's a beautiful day for baseball, especially with a bunch of negroes ! Game's at three o'clock ! Just in time, a dust bowl's coming at five.
So grab your popcorn, a sip at a race-appropriate bubbler, and come on down to the stadium ! Oh ! There he is ! Satchel Paige, the woild's best Negro League pitcha ! Satchel Paige ! An unchaperoned skirt waiting for me after the game ? This never happened before.
Say, what's your name, darlin' ? Feather Atwood.
But I'd rather be on wood.
See somethin' ya like ? I thought I'd have to buy the cow to see that much hoof.
You greased up them shin bottoms just for me ? Oh, I did more than that ! Last night, I dressed up as a waiter to sneak into your room at the colored hotel.
But you never ordered room service.
I had to serve catfish all night ! You got me all kinds of parched.
I'm as dry as a cracker on a biscuit.
Ooh, that is dry.
Better get you a drink.
Right over there.
Say, what's this ? It's a thoist trap.
Something new we're trying.
We ? Meet Daffodil Dunham, Chattanooga's finest flower.
I was Miss Black Chattanooga, 1931.
My prize, butter.
And Miss Pearlina Teatree, all the way from Columbus, Ohio.
Pearlina ! Show the man ya magnificent mug.
Lightning hurts when it strikes ! That's one nose you ought to keep in the books ! What's going on over here now, ladies ? Me and my goils want you to take us to New York City.
On your dime, of course.
We want to go to the Cotton Club.
So you can leave me for Count Basie ? Not gonna let that happen to me twice.
- I can't stand that muthafucker.
- Come on, daddy.
We don't bite - Found another tick.
- Well, I don't bite.
Baby, listen, you're the butterfly's boots, but I can't take all of yous to New York City with me.
Leave the bouquet and the hunk of lead here to set their own traps.
I rouged my knees for this ? You said he was big game ! - We shoulda tried for Josh Gibson.
- That crumb bum ? He wouldn't know the Cotton Club from the Satin Speakeasy.
I'll find the scratch.
Come on, ladies.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait ! But what do I do if my wife calls the hotel ? - Just don't answer.
- No.
No, that'll never work.
Or will it ? The National Museum of African American History and Culture 2019 As you pass the rotunda, you'll see the Hall of Hustlery and Scamitude, featuring oversized portraits of Pearlina Teatree, Feather Atwood, and Daffodil Dunham, the first Negro League Groupies.
They paved the way for the groupies of today.
Please leave your checking account number, routing number, and the last four digits of your Social Security number.
If your sheets are any color other than white, you dirty ! That's a hill I'll die on.
I'll be a dirty ho then.
Burgundy sheets for life ! Fuck sheets.
People need to stop pronouncing "mature," "muhtour.
" - I'm the people, bitch ? Okay.
- I'm just not that rigid.
And the thing you have about cakes ? Lemon does not belong in cake.
That's a fact.
That's a wrong ass opinion.
My thing is do not call a peach crumble a peach cobbler.
Why are so many rules dessert based ? If you buy one-ply tissue, you're a terrorist.
And dogs should not be on furniture.
Not on my good couch ! And "Living Single" will always be better than "Friends.
" All "Glee" songs are better than the original.
That's psychotic.
So I shouldn't mention that I think Britney Spears' "My Prerogative" is better than Bobby Brown's ? You guys broke Quinta.
CUSTOMER DISSERVICE This is the third time you cancelled my flight ! My man is gonna be so mad if I'm late.
Okay, it's a cat.
I just got a cat.
I bet if it was a white cat, you would help me.
Don't you worry, Tahj Meowry.
I'll find somebody to get me home.
Nope ! I don't want you.
Y'all keep doing this if you want to 'cause I gots time today.
American Airlines.
Lashonda speaking.
How may I help you ? Sis Finally, some greens.
I've been talking to kale all day.
There's only two of us, and Keisha went to get her hair braided.
Don't worry, you got me now.
What's the problem ? I am stranded, in the airport.
Can't sleep here in the airport.
Done checked my bonnet.
Oh no ! We got to get you home.
What's your destination ? - Charlotte.
- I'm from Fayetteville ! Girl, I was born there.
My uncle owns Wings and 'Nem Soul Food ! - Nick ? - Yeah, girl ! You know him ? Girl, that's my uncle.
We cousins, baby ! Yes ! That's so bomb.
That is so crazy.
Oh, my god.
Jesus prayers.
Okay, so, cousin, can you get me home ? No.
There's no more flights.
I can't help you.
You didn't know about fabric softener before me ! - Your fabrics was mad hard ! - I like a stiff jean ! We're not compatible.
My parents have been married for 40 years and they're not compatile.
- I just feel - Not your feelings.
Gross ! - I just need to move on.
- Please don't break up with me.
- It's going to happen again.
- Denise.
It's over.
So many times, said it was forever.
Oh my god.
- Patti LaBelle is in your house.
- I know.
Every time I get dumped, here comes Patti LaBelle with all her octaves.
Something in my heart always knew I'd be lying here beside you.
"New Attitude" is my leg day song.
You are a legend, Patti.
An annoying legend.
Patti, get out ! Don't you talk to Miss Patti like that ! Denise, you know what you have to do to get me to leave.
So many promises never should be spoken.
Every single breakup.
My entire life.
I hate this ! Now I know what loving you costs.
Can't you just like bring me a Patti Pie or something useful ? Now we're up to talking divorce.
- I'd take a pie.
- Do I look like a caterer to you ? I'm not here selling or giving away free Patti Pies.
Why aren't you grateful that Miss Patti came all this way to cheer you up ? She didn't exactly go out of her way.
She magicked here.
- Secondly, she's ruining my life ! - Where are my backup singers ? Yup.
And then she did that.
But it once was so easy.
- Hey, Denise.
- Girl, I like your haircut.
I believed in love Now here I stand.
If Patti LaBelle showed up every time I got dumped, I'd try to get dumped.
One time I got dumped in a fancy restaurant.
- She gave a whole fucking concert.
- And it was excellent.
Leave me alone, Patti LaBelle ! Excuse me.
That was a good one.
I like him better than the last guy.
Too skinny.
Looked like a Black&Mild.
Thank you, Miss Patti I said I like you better, but I don't like your ass.
Find some real love, sugar.
Don't you have, like, gigs ? Like a legends ball to attend ? Miss Patti, please respect my privacy and leave ! I didn't even love him.
God damn it, your voice is amazing.
Obviously it's very special that we have this connection.
But I don't need this.
I'm fine.
I've got to learn to be strong again.
I guess it's sad, but it was time for this to end.
I have faith that I will shine again.
You going to find somebody, baby, I bet you.
I'll see you soon.
She never leaves until I break down and sing with her.
- Maybe we can try to make - I said I'm on my own.
Get out ! Nigga, take your shit.
- But I had to change - We did a whole song.
- I'm sorry.
- On my On my own Prime-time, dime time, bitch ! Adorable.
- Domino.
- Damn it ! Ashley, we were all cheating the entire time, and you still beat us.
At Uno, Jenga, and Dominoes.
Now it's time for you to come get these well enunciated harmonies.
Going to sleep.
- We're gonna get catcalled.
We don't want to be one of those black women who assumes the worst of black men.
The only thing I'm assuming is that we bad and that niggas wanna get at us 'cause of who we are.
Hopefully, he won't even notice us.
What if he doesn't notice us ? Nigga's just out here not noticing bad bitches with all this ass ? Are we bad or slightly disobedient ? There is nothing in the schedule about a dude.
We go home, microwave one and a half Hot Pockets, and watch "Marriage Boot Camp.
" You can't DVR a fine nigga's attention.
Let's twerk for him.
The only thing worse than being catcalled is an unnoticed twerk.
What happens to a twerk unnoticed ? Does it dry up like a raisin ? We're moving "find a therapist" to the top of the to-do list.
- I just moved up "twerk for a stranger.
" - What if we just moved ? - We don't like our apartment.
- We are not moving, nor twerking ! - Now we have to pee.
We need to go ! - Fuck it.
Krystal, twerk ! - Krystal, pack ! - Krystal, walk ! But clench ! Are we happy now ? He didn't even look, and we still have to pee.
Yo, ma.
I see that ass ! So now this nigga wanna holla ? Typical man ! He didn't wanna holla, now he wanna holla".
He called us "ma.
" Do we look matronly ? Look him dead in his eyes and say this We can read any magazine and be told no one wants us.
You got us to clench-twerk-walking by you.
We don't want to get catcalled, also, to not get catcalled.
We can't win ! Ma, your skirt caught in your drawers.
You don't feel that ? She's really like, your breath is strong What do I do if my wife calls the hotel ? Don't answer.
Oh, you got a plane ? This nigga's got a plane.
I was Miss Black Chattanooga 1931.
My prize ? Popcorn ! I was Miss Black Chattanooga 1931.
My prize ? Soap ! Feather, you said he was big game ! What's wrong, Daffodil ? I fought lightning, but lightning won.
I'm doing a hurt twerk.
What ho, bad niggas ! Go merry, make ham ! Nope ! END OF EPISODE 4
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