A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Why Are Her Pies Wet, Lord?

That's why me and my grandma don't talk anymore.
'Cause she's dead, not because we don't get along.
- You know I'm a medium.
- Oh, that's right.
- This is a good place.
- Yeah, I like this too.
I'm hot.
- Okay, I see you ! - Come through, tank top ! - That's cute.
- I got the same shit on.
- Oh my god, yo.
You're crazy.
- My arm ! - Look at God ! - Won't he do it ? - These beetles - We about there ! This is so beautiful.
Mother nature should take a selfie.
- Yeah, she did her thing.
- We made it to the top ! To the top ! We made it to the top ! Ayyyye ! To the top ! We made it to the top ! Oh my god, look at that little chipmunk ! Oh my god.
Did that chipmunk just trip ? Chipmunk trip ! Oh, she's slidin'.
Just let her go.
The world would have you believe that all black women are always angry.
Actually, we're incredibly joyful.
In fact, our joy is so powerful, it can be dangerous, even deadly.
But don't worry.
That lady who laugh-slid down the mountain is fine.
That chipmunk, on the other hand, died of embarrassment.
He busted his chipmunk ass ! He chipmunk-tripped ! He chipmunked ! A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW Episode 5 5:00 PM 9 hours and 10 minutes after The Event - Let me do your eyebrows next.
- Rude.
- What's wrong with my eyebrows ? - I have a question.
Who was the first person that made you think about sex ? - What about my eyebrows ? - I've moved on.
Who was the first person that made you want to hunch a pillow ? The first person was probably - Andre 3000.
- You didn't even hear the question.
I heard "fucking".
And Andre 3000 is always the answer.
- Not with all those hats.
- For me, it was actually two people.
- Andre 3000 and Big Boi ? - No, Mulder and Scully.
I still get hot whenever I see a red haired woman and a pasty white man.
Don't watch Scooby Doo.
You gon' melt.
This is the kind of question you'd ask because you wanted to answer it Do you remember the episode on 106 and Park where Ginuwine was on the gurney ! He changed my life when he body rolled off that thing ! When it came to Ginuwine, I would've ridden his pony, his caribou - His meerkat.
- His ocelot.
- I lost my virginity to Ginuwine.
- Why ? - How ? By how, I mean how was it ? - I did not fuck Ginuwine.
I was listening to "Differences" when I lost my virginity.
That's just the only Ginuwine song my parents let me listen to.
They said the rest of his music was for "fast girls.
" Joke's on them.
Praise God for this biweekly potluck.
Now, it is time to bless the food.
Who would like to Praise God for Jesus.
Let me just clarify, we just looking for someone to pray over the food.
Y'all know good and well some of you see a podium, ya mouth need Imodium.
- Make it quick.
- Understood, Pastor.
Everybody please bow your heads and close your eyes.
Thank you.
Heavenly Father, please bless this food, and the hands that made it.
Primarily mine.
Please bless Deaconess Jones.
Even though she showed up with sweet potato pie.
Everyone knows I make the sweet potato pie, Father God.
Why, Father God, are her pies wet ? How do you get water under the crust ? It's holy water in my pies ! Right, baby ? Hallelujah ! Want some ? Why are y'all so hardheaded ? God bless those who bless themselves.
Lord, it's me.
Your child, Butterfly, amen.
And I would just like to pray for this food.
I'm praying ! Because, Father, my new single, "The Club is Bumping Up and Down," comes out this week, so I pray the saints check out my Soundcloud because I do hair, and do short form content.
The club is bumping up and down My body so sick Bumping up and down All over your That is inappropriate.
You good, Butterfly, but that is inappropriate.
How y'all doin' tonight ? Everybody looks good.
What else ? Sister Keisha, I rebuke your standup comedy ! Pastor, I just wanna pray.
We are all hungry, amen ? No jokes.
I promise.
Let go of my hand at least, Pastor.
- All right.
- Always come prepared.
Father God, thank you for blessing us with this food that was so lovingly made, God, because I love my wife ! That's a Borat impression.
You know it ? That's good.
I do impressions now.
Here's Meghan Markle.
Hello, I'm Meghan Markle.
'Cause she British now.
Who else has an impression ? - Diana Ross.
- Barack Obama, I got you.
- Michelle, Malia - You ain't slick.
- Do you ever notice how - You ain't slick ! You don't do standup comedy, but you do impression.
Everybody turn to your neighbor, say, "Keep your day job.
" - I've been Keisha.
Good night.
- This ain't even Sunday.
I don't need this.
Y'all go ahead on, eat your food.
Excuse me Come on now.
Pastor, if you could just find it If you just find this in your heart, praise God.
Good Lord, listen.
We stand here before you in need of - Fellowship.
- Yeah, fellowship.
So, if you are a woman who likes to speak in tongues with fellow church members and their husbands Please send us a heavenly woman.
That doesn't have to be the first, or the second, but the curvy third, Father.
Praise the Lord.
Why has my flock forsaken me ? I don't wanna hear about your bedroom business, about their non-singing business, about their comedy business.
I just wanna hear your business, God ! Yes, sir.
Hey, Pastor.
Excuse me.
Lord, it is I, your humble servant, Pastor Venmo Stacks.
Lord, please bless these people, and their modest church potluck for if they knew better, they'll do better.
Like we do at Nothing But Increase Mega Ministries.
You can't make a spiritual withdrawal without a heavenly deposit.
Amen ! Into our app.
Amen ? Amen.
Where you can reserve VIP seating, and you get book you a private praise dance.
And ladies free before 10 AM.
Stacks ! You leave my flock alone ! You comin' up in here dressed like a bootleg Steve Harvey.
My members ain't tryna finance your second private jet ! - Amen ! Nothing but increase ! - Not the short rib - Right down the street ! - Oh, so he gets to eat ? Y'all could eat if you'd have blessed the damn food ! Cursing like that.
- This is not what I signed up for.
- He took the short ribs.
- Two drink minimum on your mouth.
- Keisha, you want the mic now ? - Where y'all goin' ? - Takin' our pies back.
Come on, baby.
He push my button.
Fine, I'll eat by myself.
5:33 PM 9 hours and 43 minutes after The Event - Contagious.
- Don't do that.
- Don't do that ! - Y'all know yawning turns me on.
I hate that.
I was wearing a Bluetooth once, and this man tripped over the curb.
- What else did you have on ? - Booty shorts.
I'm unconcerned because none of y'all do it for me.
I have a very specific turn on.
If I tell you, you'll use it against me.
You know who's got some weird turn ons ? Quinta.
I really don't want anyone to know what my turn on is, so don't ask.
We should ask her what hers are.
Quinta It's with vocal fry.
Quinta, we wanna know what's your turn on.
You have to stop ! This is enough ! EXIT ROW Sir, are you willing and able to assist in case of an emergency ? - Sir ? - Babe.
Are you willing to assist in the event of an emergency ? - I need a verbal "yes".
- Oh, yeah.
- I need a verbal "yes.
" - Bet.
- Babe, just say "yes".
- No doubt.
Ma'am ? Are you willing and able to assist in the event of an emergency ? - Babe, listen to this.
- Hold on.
Nigga, bap, bap, bap.
'Cause we never, never stop ! - It's good, right ? - It is.
- I wrote that in eighth grade.
- I was there.
Are you willing and able to assist in the event of an emergency ? A hypothetical one.
We don't have time for an emergency, we are on our way to our honeymoon.
We will take off just as soon as you confirm that you are able to assist.
I'm currently able, but what if I become unable over the course of the flight ? - You two don't have to sit here.
- The rude jumped outta you.
Do we get to exit first ? Do I get to take my homegirl with me ? Sir, are you ready to provide a verbal "yes" ? - I felt like I said that.
- Okay.
So, what do you say ? - Yerp.
Yeah, man.
- Yes.
- That was just a sound.
- Yes.
- Does this even work ? - Could you please not do that ? - Ma'am, can you not do that ? - Excuse me.
- How much does this job pay ? - It's not a job.
It's volunteer.
Do I get free pretzels ? Do I get a blanket ? You don't give out blankets no more.
What about pretzel blankets ? The statistics of black men getting married aren't good.
You really need to just treat him with some respect.
- We have been above the odds.
- I will relocate both of you.
You go to middle seats in the back of the plane unless I get a "yes.
" - Got it.
- And you ain't gon' move nobody.
I'll take it.
Sir, get on up.
I'm moving you in the back.
I was just playin'.
Go to the back.
I'll see you when we get there.
- I love you.
- Stop playin' ! We are on a plane.
Sir ? Would you like an exit row seat ? With lots of leg room.
- Yeah, sure.
- That's my boo.
Do you agree to assist in the event of an emergency ? Yes.
I do.
Look at God.
You already know it, Jesus.
How you doin' ? Are you done asking questions, now that there's a fake Tyson Beckford lookin' Chadwick Boseman nigga up there with you ? Baby, please, could you stop ? This is a very nice airline.
And I don't wanna get kicked off.
Stop yellin', that'd be nice.
Let me ask you this.
This nigga wear camo like me ? He's got a beard like me ? He does ? All right.
I'mma sit down.
I got another question.
If two trains leave Pittsburgh at six o'clock, one's carrying apples, and one's carrying oranges, when this nigga gon' get out my seat ? I am smart.
I am tough.
I will always be enough.
I am smart.
I am tough.
I will always be enough.
All right, here we go.
I am smart.
I - Michaela, what's wrong ? - Nothing, Ms.
This is your favorite time of the day.
Handshake time ! Girls, what's going on ? Handshake time is not our favorite time.
- We don't like doing the handshakes.
- We don't have to do them.
- Why didn't somebody just tell me ? - Because you like them so much.
You're so sad.
- Where did you get that idea ? - From you being sad.
When you returned our quizzes, they were wrinkly.
- You cried on them.
- It rained.
They got a little wet.
It didn't rain.
Just because I'm 10, doesn't mean I don't remember last week.
It rained in my neighborhood.
Come on, guys.
Let's do some math.
What page, Ms.
Miller-Hicks ? You used to write Ms.
Miller-Hicks on the board.
But then one day, you just wrote Ms.
Sometimes grownups, they grow in different directions, and What is that burn on your forehead ? You're doing your own hair.
- You can't afford the salon anymore.
- Okay, that is enough.
Heads down.
- Ms.
Miller ? - What, Michaela ? - You're not shiny anymore.
- What do you mean ? You don't put the gold stuff on top of your cheeks anymore.
We liked it.
I'm sorry.
I don't wear highlighter anymore.
What is in my life to highlight ? Mr.
Hicks cheated on me with an Applebee's waitress.
After weeks of smelling like riblets and that Applebitch, he left me.
And now I can't eat good in the neighborhood ! But I really appreciate that you guys care.
And I'm sorry.
I haven't been a better teacher.
But you're right.
I'm really, really sad.
I am smart.
I am tough.
I will always be enough.
California Lottery.
When you really need a win.
- What ? - You have a serious problem.
An Iyanla, "Fix My Life" season three, kind of problem.
You are out of control.
Your selfishness is affecting us.
You've hurt us with your actions, you've broken our trust.
We don't mean to be harsh.
But we're just worried.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize me doing drugs was stressing you.
We don't give a shit about the drugs.
Stop eating the goddamn snacks ! I didn't eat everything.
I still left that weird ice cream in the freezer.
That's not ice cream.
That's my emergency sperm.
Now there's no ice cream.
What's good, Instafam ! I am here in my hometown, Kemp, Alabama ! Today, my high school's honoring my tenth grade English teacher, so I flew First Class on a Buddy Pass all the way from Miami, Indiana, to surprise her.
She hasn't seen me in 20 years, it's gonna be a real treat for her.
Let's go ! The Black Alumni Association's Excellence in Teaching Award goes to Mrs.
Denise Garrett.
The Jackie Woodson is in the building ! Everybody wave to the Jackie Hive ! I know.
It's a shock to see me, a woman who pays for both Spotify and Tidal here with the rest of you.
I couldn't pass up a chance to thank the teacher who gave me my voice.
- Sorry, who are you, sweetie ? - You really don't remember me ? My first day in your class, you taught me the word, "insufferable.
" You loved my laugh.
- Stop, baby.
You're embarrassing.
- You ? Why would I embarrass you ? No.
You're embarrassing.
That was the end of my sentence.
Principal Dixon, you must remember me.
I called in that bomb threat when my braid fell out during gym.
I'm sorry, Jackie, you're not ringing any bells.
Are you sure you're in the right town ? This is Kemp.
As in Shawn.
I smelled it coming down the highway.
I know where the fuck I am.
If this wasn't my hometown, why would my parents be sitting right there ? Hi, Mom ! Hi, Dad ! - Is she talking to us ? - Yes.
Dennis ! Gloria ! Can you hear me ? You all know me ! I am your well-connected daughter who met the Obama's dog.
Actually just Sunny.
Bo was busy that day.
And I'm your former student, a proud member of MENSA applicants ! And your former neighbor, who is the recipient of an NAACP Image Award rejection letter.
Ever heard of it ? Stop fucking around and admit it ! I guess you just don't want me here.
You guys are all my ex-boyfriends.
You'd like me to leave.
But if I leave right now, I am never coming back.
But like forever.
Did you guys hear me ? I said I was never coming back.
Seriously ? We did it ! Haha, thank God ! - Were we too hard on her ? - She's an anti-vaxxer ! Oh, right.
Fuck that bitch.
- Yodel.
Who ? - Yes.
Yar should've hit it.
I'mma start yelling.
Lachel ! I would love for you to support my Soundcloud, Butterfly Flaps Well you can reserve R-S-P-C-T.
What is the line ? Well, you could reser Should I go from the top of that ? - Wait a minute - I can smell VIP, that's This one is Cardi B as a car that won't start.
Just call 'em out ! Here's Cardi B in Jamaica.
Hey, watch this.
This is This one is - You lost your place.
- I've been Keisha.
Thank you.
None of you people with bad skin wanna fucking hang out with me.
All right, cool.
'Cause I have something that you don't have, likes and followers ! All right, I'mma sit down.
But I'mma sit here.
'Cause I don't want to be in the back.
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