A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

Born at Night, But Not Last Night

Soul food Saturday! Saturday for soul food! Finally, we have a place in the hood that is owned by black folks! I heard the oxtails are to die for.
Hi! Table for two? Oh, hey, babies.
Read the sign.
What's she talking about? Oh, wait a minute.
Sit wherever.
That's okay.
The sign probably just fell on the floor, so We 'bout to tip 40 percent and give them a six-star Yelp review.
It's hard to open a business in the hood.
My aunt's daycare got shut down.
That's just 'cause it was a casino.
Those little hands could shuffle fast though.
She's smart.
Just give me a minute.
I'm the only one working.
See, this is why we have to support.
If we just come here 57 more times - They will have more servers.
- However, business is booming.
So let's see what these oxtails are talmbout.
I'm back.
Before I get started, we're out of a few things.
- That's okay.
- The whole left side of the menu.
That's no problem.
No problem.
I will have the mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, and a garden salad.
My little precious moment, I gotchu.
I'll have your famous oxtails.
And to drink You order your drinks at the counter from the drank lady.
Hi, can we have two sweet teas with extra ice, please? - Only got warm sweet tea.
- But you have ice, right? Only for the iced tea.
So you have unsweetened iced tea, but if we want sweet tea, we cannot get ice? Correct.
We don't need all that sugar anyway.
So two iced teas.
Two hot teas, got it.
I see what's happening.
She tryin' to hook us up with the good shit.
Yeah, two hot teas, please.
Two hot teas.
I think she heard us.
30 minutes later That tea ran through me like the Feds through my aunt's baby casino.
Excuse me.
Where's your bathroom? Costs a quarter to get in, quarter to get out.
QUARTER TO GET IN, QUARTER TO GET OU - I don't have no change.
- Me either, girl.
Just hold it.
For the culture.
One hour later Here you go, muffin tops.
Sorry about the wait.
- Can we please get some silverware? - We're BYO-silverware.
SILVERWARE This is ridiculous.
All I wanted to do was support our people.
Give 'em a fair shot! But I knew I should have brought my purse fork.
A surprinsingly delicious meal later Ladies, how you enjoy your meal? - You know what? - The food was poppin'.
How about I do you guys a favor and box up your leftovers for you? Let me grab that for you.
I'll be right back, okay? Well, that was nice.
Got 'em! - Who he got? - I thought he was the manager! The nigga acted like he was the manager! Cash only, 65 dollar minimum.
- But we only spent 37 dollars! - We came here to support.
- But you're out of half the menu! - You did not have silverware.
- You had no ice for the sweet tea.
- And some man stole our leftovers! You think you can do better? Then you go back there and run it! - Fine! We will! - Help yourself too.
- We can do it.
- Watch this.
We gon' be here a while.
- What the fuck? - Same.
Let's go.
Soul food Saturday! Saturday for soul food! Finally, a place in the hood that is owned by black folks I heard the oxtails here are to die for.
PURGATORY SOUL FOOD A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW Episode 6 Calm down, it's just a phone! What am I supposed to do? No more genius bars! No more texts from my mom, no more pictures from my brother.
- All my shit is gone! - You wanna know what else is gone? - The Cool Ranch Doritos! - Everyone is gone! We've been sitting here playing games and having spa time like this is Girls Trip 2 and not the fucking end of the world! - We'll never see Girls Trip 2.
- Shut up.
Shut up! I do not want to spend the rest of my life arguing with the same people.
If I had wanted that, I would have gotten married! I wanted to get married! Robin, you forced me to come here! - Before Kevin could propose! - Kevin wasn't gonna propose! What is wrong with you people? Seriously! I saved us from death.
I fortified a goddamned apocalypse-proof house, I stocked it with food, I froze sperm in single serving sizes.
I am the only one who had a plan! Oh my god.
- Is she dead? - Oh my god.
- What are we gonna do? - Eat her? Okay.
I will take a T.
I got it.
I will take a lower case T.
- Buy a vowel, bitch! - Ain't none of those neither? Reniece! Welcome back to Get the Belt, voted 1992's favorite mother versus child competition show.
I'm Kimber Zak.
I'm Carmen Sipp.
Tonight, we've got two dynamic contestants.
Representing the home team is this season's standout, Tonisha.
She knocks challengers into next week.
She took out fan favorite, Man Man, with an early game spank-out.
Her opponent is her eldest daughter, Reniece.
This 13-year-old dynamo has been focusing on her obedience, and she's undefeated.
Hand me the remote.
An absolutely brilliant opening move from Tonisha.
That remote is clearly well within her own reach.
It's a tactic for Reniece to show some attitude, which would lead to an immediate beat and defeat.
Many things can lead to a spank-out, including showing disrespect, raising your voice or being told to fix your face.
Let's keep an eye on the mouth to see if Reniece can hold it together.
Are you kidding me? Not a smirk or a smile.
Astonishing! She knows she nailed that one.
That must feel good.
Reniece doesn't think it's going to be that easy.
If a child crosses the threshold of her room without the mother geting the belt, she wins.
Tonisha was born at night, but she wasn't born last night.
She's got more in store here.
Flag on the play.
The batteries are dead.
Get back here! Bring me some double-A batteries.
The dreaded "if I have to get up and find it myself" challenge.
Historically, Reniece has excelled at this obstacle, but she might be tired after playing 18 rounds of slippity slide.
Tonisha's home court advantage really comes in handy.
Reniece hasn't payed nan one bill around here.
Let's put 15 seconds on the clock.
She picked up the blue tin, not gonna be anything in there but needles and thread.
These items are never anywhere that makes a lick of sense.
Looks like this may be all she wrote for Reniece.
No hocus pocus, just focus on that by Reniece! Amazing! And the channel is changed.
Textbook execution by Reniece.
Earlier tonight, Man Man worked Tonisha's last good nerve.
Seems to have taken a toll.
There's a coupon.
As a player, Reniece wants to head to her room for the easy win.
But as a child, Reniece clearly wants to capitalize off of the chance to watch something she has no business watching.
I was in the same position in 1979.
I could either watch Facts of Life, which my mother had banned due to "Jo's lesbian energy" or I could go to my room for the easy win.
I chose the W because I knew if I didn't start none, there wouldn't be none.
Reaching for the remote.
That's risky.
Most veteran players would wait until Tonisha hit that good drool sleep.
Clearly Reniece disagrees.
She already has the remote.
78 percent of wake-ups happen during the channel changing stage.
Something about the abrupt noise shift is disrupting to a snoozing parent.
Is she turning down the TV? I've never seen this strategy.
We are witnessing an embarrassing lack of judgment or a move that could quite frankly revolutionize this sport.
And she did it! You go, girl! These are the moments I live for.
- This is what live TV is about.
- I can't breathe right now.
Making noise while her mother's asleep, she's just showboating now.
Bogie! Surprise attack by Man Man.
You letting all the cold air out my house? It wasn't me! And you talkin' back? And just like that, it's over.
Congratulations to Tonisha.
This was clearly Man Man's fault, but as we've seen here, it doesn't fucking matter.
- You got shoes on in my house? - No, ma'am.
I would never track outside on your floors.
That's it for us, tune in next time when we find out whether or not I was too grown to get a whooping.
I used to run track! Thanks for watching Get the Belt.
Be inspired.
- Mark, where are you taking me? - Got you something.
You ready? Happy anniversary.
No! A hot air balloon? A balloon full of hot air? What was Mark thinking? We'll get air sick, throw up, and then pass out in the throw up.
Do I look like the kind of chick who says put my ass up in a balloon? - They don't even have seat belts.
- This synthetic wig is top heavy.
We are going to plunge to our death.
But Mark is worth the risk.
He's the one, ladies.
We already wasted our peak fertility years with Andre.
Such a wet man.
But he liked us.
There's a man who loves us, and we love him.
Get in the basket.
I'd rather be single and alive.
This balloon will never leave the ground.
- What do we do? - Start a fight.
- Let's get him to break up with us.
- Krystal, piss your pants.
Get in the death balloon and act like you like it! It's toe time! It'll just be me and you and the man I paid extra not to talk to us.
Can I tell you one thing about hot air balloons? No, you cannot! Let's go! Hello? Our wig! This hair hat is basically lighter fluid.
- We should've sprung for human hair.
- You got money? We'd have, if we decided instead of ordering two dinners every night.
- We just gonna piss our pants.
- Just get in.
We get a little crispy.
Our head's been through worse.
Remember that home relaxer? Mark put a lot into this.
We can't just leave him hanging.
What if he cheated on us, and he's feeling guilty? Then we're getting in the balloon so we can push his ass out! Do not ruin this day with a fight.
We went to the botanical gardens, we had lunch at the restaurant, Mark took us to get our nails done.
He's about to propose! - Let's go! - Wait, hold on! I got you something.
I figured you'd do that part in the sky, but okay.
I cannot make you compromise your wig up with all that wind and open flame.
So I got you this custom unit hand made by Beyoncé's wig wizard.
This is the happiest day of my life! Will you marry me? INSIDE A BLACK LADY'S MIND: HOT AIR BALLOON - We are not going to eat Robin! - She's all gristle, so I'm not actually saying we are going to eat her.
But we are bound to run out of food, Quinta already ate all the snacks.
- Why are you bringing up old shit? - Robin, get up! If Robin's gone, what are we gonna do when the generator runs out? How do we grow food if we can't go outside? What is the half-life Robin, please get up.
Do not leave me with them for the rest of eternity.
I never told you this, but You had me muted on Twitter? No-Fun Threesome We've been dreaming about this ever since we saw you at the bi-weekly church potluck.
Have you ever been a special guest star before? What have you heard? They said they were gonna take Cheaters off of the internet.
- Have you ever had a threesome? - This is my first time.
It's been a while since I've had even one partner.
Other than myself.
- So how long is a while? - Two years? Two years? Like Earth years? We gonna fix that right now.
- Wait.
- Oh my god.
I'm sorry.
We usually do a check in.
I got so excited to eat that taco, I forgot to ask if you have any boundaries.
Thank you so much.
Just a couple little things.
No kissing.
That's fair.
Very intimate, I get it.
No holding hands.
Hopefully our hands will be full of other things.
No eye contact.
No anal, no vaginal, no oral.
- No oral? - No going down, no coming up.
My safe word is a stern look, and I'm gonna need a copy of everyone's last STD and driver's license test.
- Is there anything else? - One more thing.
- Okay.
- Bag of tricks! Hold onto that.
- Definitely gonna want these - What? Okay - We'll use that later - You wanna tell me something? A squeegee? You know that thing where you just put too much in your threesome purse? Okay, here we go.
It's the Outbreak suit.
Now we cookin'.
Lube? No.
That's hand sanitizer, but it's FDA approved for more than just hands.
Let's see here.
Hand condoms.
And now Let's get to the fun part.
She handed me gloves.
- Who wants to shit in my mouth? - What?! Hey, nice mattress.
Casper mattress.
For sleeping.
And whatever else y'all nasty asses are doing.
Hey, girl! - Black girl magic, for real.
- Right? I know! Well Good morning! - God is good? - All the time! Amen! Apologies for my tardiness.
My client was stuck in a revolving door.
- What in the baby hair? - It's a black lady courtroom! Black lady courtroom! Okay! I have been sitting in this courtroom for 20 years, and I have never seen melanin this poppin'! - Cicely Tyson would be very proud.
- Why would she be proud of that? I call this evidentiary hearing to order in the civil matter of Trina's Vintage Furniture vs Sweet Song Restaurant.
First order of business Do you want to get lunch after this? I would like to submit to the court that your honor is welcome to dine at Sweet Song any time! Objection.
Dining at defendant's restaurant would be prejudicial.
But if you do go, plaintiff's counsel likes to eat too.
- Sustained! - This isn't professional.
Trina? Let me handle this.
I got you.
My clients couldn't attend this hearing, but they'd appreciate it if we took some time to find out how my girl over there got her goddess locks all right! - Thank you! - I see you.
I'm suing your clients, and they would not appreciate that.
That doesn't help your case.
- Counselors, approach the bench.
- See? Get them together, please.
- You guys can approach too.
- Me too, your honor? I've never been up here! - Where did y'all go to law school? - USC.
- I knew you looked familiar! - I'm going to USC undergrad.
- Are any of you Greek? - AKA, first and finest.
- What y'all talkin' bout? - Black girl magic, man.
Let me get this photo.
Put that Valencia filter on.
We lit! We lit! We so lit! Good sidebar, ladies.
Can you Airdrop that to me? God bless y'all.
My client, who does not understand the historicness of this moment, reupholstered several high end chairs for the defense.
- And was not paid.
- No disrespect to my sister-in-law.
Get it? That's cute.
But the plaintiff never completed the work in question.
- I'd like to consult exhibit B.
- Take your time.
You'll see there are no chairs.
And if there's no place to sit, you must acquit.
That's a solid Cochran.
But as you can see from my supplemental exhibit G, my client clearly posted timestamped photos of the chairs on Instagram.
Defense counsel clearly just removed them from her pic.
- You tried it, sis.
- I'm a fool for that one.
The defense photos are deemed inadmissible, and I hereby deem this courtroom ready to kiki! Black lady courtroom! - Does this mean it's just over? - Yeah.
And you won.
- Oh, shit! Thank you, judge! - Okay.
Also, thank you, me.
Black lady courtroom! Ladies! Ladies.
Anybody got any Carmex? They don't have any over at the white man's courtroom.
I just happen to have some in my bra, boo.
Help yourself! Black lady courtroom! Robin, everyone is going crazy.
I'm glad you're not dead.
I always pass out when I'm being attacked.
It's my white side.
- Quinta tried to eat you.
- I'll eat you if you keep talking.
Ladies! Enough! It is far too early for us to be losing our minds.
We have to look out for each other.
We have to have each other's backs.
We're all we got.
It's just us.
What y'all bondin' about? How y'all whisper laughing? Can my lawyer stop nae nae-ing? Apologies for my tardiness.
My client had a flat tire even though she doesn't have a car.
My apologies for my tardiness.
My client got caught in a push door, trying to pull.
Apologies for my tardiness.
My client was getting her hair braided by Corey Booker.
He's cheap and slow.
- Get up.
He's about to propose.
- I'm dead.
- You dead? - Her insecurity died.
That's good, we about to be more confident.
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