A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s02e01 Episode Script

But the Tilapias Are Fine Though, Right?

You thought a pandemic was gonna stop me? Start off that Spike Lee dolly shot 'cause I've been silent for too long.
That's right, it's me.
Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman.
Google me, then throw your smartphone in the trash.
It's making you stupid.
See, see, see, 5G was created to infiltrate our brains with the devil's propaganda: TikTok.
Tick tock, you're wasting your fertile years on the 'Gram.
The only 5Gs I recognize is Da Five Bloods, five triumphant black men going back to steal the oppressor's gold from Asia.
Meanwhile, in this country, the only way five black men can gather is if they're playing basketball.
I reject Verzuz.
Why would I ever celebrate our black icons battling each other? News flash.
It's us "verzuz" them! You know who them is.
And why so many Z's in Verzuz? They're trying to put us to sleep! If you cut a dollar bill in half, you know what you'll find? A blonde hair.
They didn't put Harriet Tubman on the twenty-dollar bill because they don't want our dollars to be free.
Think about it.
Tubman breaks down to tub man.
They don't wash their legs.
Stevie Wonder's not blind.
He was just sick of looking at white people! White people wouldn't know a racial reckoning if it pulled up in a Volvo with a kayak on the roof.
The real racial reckoning will be when black people are reinstated to our true place in society, 106 and Park.
I'm not worried about coronavirus.
See, see, see, white people are the pandemic for which we'll never have a vaccine.
But y'all don't hear me.
Maybe I have to rap it to you to get you to understand the true learning.
Construct is a race, not the other way and back again, You stupid with a saggy face 'cause you ain't got no collagen.
Now enough with this dolly.
It's making me dizzy.
Where is this thing airing? HBO? What's that stand for? He bought and oppressed us? A terrible name for a network.
A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW Ladies, enough! It is far too early for us to be losing our minds.
We have to look out for each other.
We have to have each other's backs.
We're all we got.
It's just us.
- Before Kevin cut the phone! - It's just a phone! When you sent us a Facebook invite to the end of the world, I did not think that you would be right.
- Bottoms up, hoes! - Cheers! Ginuwine was on the gurney.
- Your dildo to alcohol ratio is off.
- You all have me to thank.
What is wrong with you people? I am the only one who had a plan.
I am the - Is she dead? - Robin, please get up.
- You had me muted on Twitter.
- Robin, wake up! Wake up, girl! How are you gonna pass out? - Laci, do you know CPR? - No.
But I know P90-X.
- That is not helpful.
- Robin, get up.
It's time to toast.
We just survived the end of the world.
I know, thanks to my fortified house, but that was yesterday.
No, thanks to Skye's fortified warehouse.
Just now.
What the fuck? 8:00 AM 10 minutes after The Event GET YOUR LIFE I thought I'd be driving a nice car, married to my fantasy man, live in a mansion with a bathtub big enough that my knees and my titties can be underwater at the same time.
Instead, I ended up smelling like hot grease, married to a man whose beard doesn't connect, and having nine very ugly children.
Well, nine for now.
I rebuke that! Why has my life turned out so wack, Psychic Zabrina? Do you remember playing a game of MASH, March 26, 1996 with LaDonna Deladio? MASH? No, what do you You and LaDonna sealed your future the day you used the gel pen to circle your fate.
You see, S is for the living in shack with nine kids.
And driving a Ford Pinto? Girl, pick a struggle.
Wait! - This is troubling.
- What is it? It seems that LaDonna tragically miscounted.
That girl was always trash at math.
She tried to tell me that trigonometry was just slang for three niggas.
You must find her and replay the game, for she is the only reason you are not pushing a Lambo.
I knew I was meant to be opening my doors like this, not like this.
LaDonna! Hey, it's me, Salina Duplass, your bestie from middle school! Remember? Oh my Jesus! So good to see you.
I bow to you! L-Drizzle, you look good, girl.
You look good like you own two couches.
Look, I don't have any drugs.
Drugs? Why would you 'Cause I smell.
That's mustard.
It's a funny story.
I went to a psychic a couple days ago.
And she told me the reason why my life is like Baby Boy Two is because of this MASH game we played years ago.
That's crazy, right? It's crazy.
So I just got in my car and bought some adult diapers and came to find you.
You are here in an adult diaper.
- A MASH game, yeah? - Yeah.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
That's cool.
We could just replay it real quick.
You don't have to remember.
Put that Trapper Keeper shit away, Salina.
Of course, I remember.
- From zero to 100 real quick - You know what? You got a lot of nerve coming up in here demanding a replay.
What you get is what you gots.
Thems the rules.
I got what I got 'cause your ass can't count.
The fuck you mean I can't count? How many fingers am I holding up? - Five.
- You gonna play this MASH.
No, no.
There's no do-overs in MASH.
LaDonna, you're gonna give me my la-do-over.
No, please, don't touch me.
Oh my God, you're so greasy! What's going on over there? Jason, Lyric, y'all stay in the house.
Daddy will be right back.
Oh my God! - Is everything okay, baby? - Yes.
Oh my God, you married Omarion? You know he was my top choice! Wait a minute.
Omarion, two kids, mansion.
Don't tell me you're a video vixen.
Goddamn it! Those were all my good choices.
You stole my life! You were supposed to be with me, Omarion! Damn! You didn't think that you would be able to touch me, did you? I know all about your little MASH game, Salina Duplass from sixth grade, and I'm thrilled to be in this paid off house with this perfectly symmetrical woman.
And our Rhodes Scholar children.
Now, if you'll excuse me, me and my queen have a Lambo to get into.
Baby, remember, the doors open up like All I wanted to do was touch.
My hat and my Trapper.
What the fuck? I know, right? Everybody's probably dead now.
No, not that.
I've done this before.
You were there, and you were there, and you were not.
And No, you were not.
Robin, not that I don't appreciate the Judy Garland moment you're having, but do you think you hit your head when you passed out? Of course she passed out.
It was an apocalypse.
So how did we all get here? You really do have amnesia.
This is cute.
Guys, let's reset her memory.
Robin, your name is Viola Davis.
You're the star of a legal drama.
Laci, no.
Robin, we all answered Skye's Facebook invite to come to the end of the world party, met her here about 15 minutes ago.
Then there was a loud boom, and now we're the last people left on Earth.
And then we toasted.
Okay, all right.
That sounds familiar, I guess.
Yay! Her memory is back.
But just to be sure, follow my finger.
Skye, it has been a minute.
I haven't seen you since you installed my summer Iocs in January.
You do like to stay ahead of the curve.
And I haven't seen you since my hair appointment in February when you got scissor happy.
In my defense, you had split ends and beginnings.
So let me ask you this, Skye.
Exactly how did you find this place? So you know when I'm not doing hair, I'm a courier, right? I thought you were a chef.
I thought you taught rich people's kids how to krump.
So, I had to courie-ay a package here last week.
And I realized that there was nobody working here.
So, when I heard the apocalypse was gonna pop off, I knew this place would be dope.
So, of course I had to hit my girls up and see if you wanted to come through and live.
- You know I like being alive.
- I know you do.
All right, listen up! Everybody on the ground now! I said now! Do you think I'm playing with y'all? Because I ain't.
Do you know how many times I had to call up here to get somebody on the phone? 16! I didn't call Steve Harvey that many times, and I really needed an answer to my strawberry letter.
Just take money and let us go, please.
Money? This isn't about money.
This is about customer service.
Somebody is gonna listen to me today! Everybody on the Y'all already on the ground.
Well, stay on the ground then! Don't shoot me.
You can have all the cash.
That's not even why I'm here.
You're preaching to the choir, saint.
Harlot, I want to ask you this one time, to what capacity do you trust the security of online banking services? Completely, somewhat, dubious, or not at all? Dubious? Thank you.
I am sick and tired of being ignored.
I hear that.
Don't nobody ever want to take these dang surveys, and I desperately need a diverse, as in black, group of people to participate so that I can reach my weekly quota.
Handle your shit.
I'll hold since that's what I'm used to anyway.
Everybody freeze! - Shit! - Oh Lord! Oh, wait! You can't because the Earth is officially warming at a rapid pace.
Just take the money and get.
We have bigger fish to fry.
The fish are frying.
Alaskan salmon can't even lay their eggs because the rivers are too hot.
But the tilapias are fine though, right? Look, lady, those plastic titties won't work as a floatation device when Miami just slides off into the ocean.
Is this plexiglass biodegradable? What part of minimizing our carbon footprint don't you people understand? I can't be the only one who flips my panties three times before I wash them.
Jesus, be an antibacterial wipe.
No money! We just want to be heard.
Come on, sis, you should understand.
Do you hear us, lady? We're talking to you! Listen up! Made me pop my ear on.
What? See, this is why I hate customer service.
She ain't even have her ear on.
How was I supposed to get my questions answered when you don't even have your ear on? Man, this is so unprofessional.
Like, that's not a lot to ask, lady.
- Didn't hear not a single one of us.
- I hate this shit.
I just want to be sure that the tilapias are fine, right? Okay, baby, you ready? You know I can't hear you when my eyes are covered.
Happy anniversary! I know you come here all the time with your girls, so you must love it.
It's a steakhouse, and you're vegan.
- Yeah, I like their truffle fries.
- You do fucks with a truffle fry.
- Hey, Taryn! - Tron! Hey! My husband brought me to this fine dining establishment, for our anniversary.
Is it Tron, like the movie? Pleasure to meet you, brother.
Let me tell you, the way my wife's eyes twinkle when she comes home on Fridays and Saturdays, my man, your customer service must be rock solid.
Nice to meet you too.
I'm gonna go grab y'all some men.
Grab y'all some menus.
Be right back.
- Did I just see his butt? - I'm sorry? Did I just see Tron's butt? - Did you? I don't know.
- I feel like I saw his ass just now.
You know athleisure.
Now they've got ass-leisure.
You should look it up.
Babe, this is nice.
This is nice! They've got a little stage over there.
All these mirrors.
I've never seen so many full-length mirrors in a restaurant before.
It's kind of kinky, like those hotels with the mirrors over the bed.
Well, we could just get this food and take it home.
I know you like to eat with your pants unbuttoned anyway.
I unbuttoned them as soon as we sat down.
I'm not letting anything get in the way of our special night.
Look at that.
And they got extra support beams? Any place that keeps my wife this safe, all right by me.
Taryn, girl! Guess what? Chocolate Cakes is back! They got chocolate cake? Now that's what I'm talking about.
Do they have that molten lava though? Hey, Todd.
You know what? I actually think you probably wouldn't like it 'cause They got nuts.
Got to go! Bye! Babe, you've been tense since we got here.
What's wrong? What are you talking about? Nothing's wrong.
I'm not tense.
I've known you since you were 35.
Talk to me.
So, I have been keeping a secret.
I come here so much because this place, it's not a steakhouse.
It's a strip club! Well, it also serves steak, but it's a strip club.
I'm sorry.
- Todd? What are you doing? - Happy anniversary, baby.
Happy anni-what? No! That's my husband! Did you catch all that? What'd you think, baby? I didn't love it.
I thought you liked when half-naked men gyrating in your face.
Hey, Taryn.
Not now, Chocolate Cakes! Listen, it's just that it's different when you do it.
You got to You ruin the fantasy.
Really? After that, I don't know if I ever want to come back here again.
- Mission accomplished! - The fuck? Good job, fellas.
Get y'all ass out of here.
That's firm, that's firm.
Hey, Tron, where the menus at, man? If Rodney hadn't been sleeping with both of you at the same time, you two never would have become friends.
And we would have never met the Serena of hairstylists.
I guess Rodney did one thing right.
- He did a couple things right.
- Her memory is back for real.
- A dick will spark a memory.
- I remember dick.
It's been so long.
Like what, 15 minutes? - Too long.
- 45 for me.
That was a good filter.
Good morning.
Good morning! I'm Nadia.
I'm Shantira, the bailiff.
I know who you are.
Is that the picture? I thought that that was, like, a Black Twitter rumor, like COVID-19.
Do you think it'll ever happen again? I keep hoping.
But you know what they say? Good things only happen to black women once.
I'm actually inclined to agree with your client, but I'm not interested in cutting corners.
I was voted most professional in my graduating class.
Snap! Negresses! Deuces.
- Won't he do it? - He just did.
One, two, three, four.
Dare I say it? I think we have ourselves a black lady Oh, no! Good morning, ladies.
What am I? A pregnancy test? Y'all looking at me real negative.
You're good.
All right, let's get started.
Just as a reminder, we are all here to select a jury for Civil Case 5669B, which starts tomorrow.
Bailiff Shantira, can you bring the pool in? Forgive me, Your Honor.
Why? Do you run the wi-fi for Verzuz? I'm a little confused, Your Honor.
See, I'm a good-looking black man, successful attorney.
I've got my Euro-cut suit on, and I know I got you seasick with these waves.
Ahoy, matey.
So? I got waves too.
But what does any of that have to do with the case, Counselor? - Nothing.
I'm single.
- I'm good.
Holy Dora Milaje! It's a black lady jury, Your Honor.
It's happening! Y'all better pose.
Yes! Come on, melanin! It's a video.
It's a video.
Okay, America's Next Top Jury! Yes, sis, sis, sis! Come on, fro.
Dance or something.
Yes! - Fine ass jury.
- You can't film in a courtroom.
- Really, guy? - Order in the court.
Let's begin jury selection.
Plaintiff's counsel, we will start with you.
Thank you, Judge Harper.
Ladies of the jury, have any of you worked for or do you have family members who work for the government? Okay, great.
So that brings me to my second question.
Have any of you previously participated in a black lady jury? Black lady jury! - Black lady jury! - Now y'all doing the rockaway.
Okay, everybody, settle down.
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client had a shift at Burlington Coat Factory.
She doesn't work there.
She just steals from 10 to four.
What in the pink oil? What in the Murray's? Yeah, girl, we can't call it.
Hey, y'all in here doing Fat Joe choreo when we're supposed to be selecting the jurors for Case 5668-B.
First, your tone.
Second, that's not even the right docket number.
I set it as Case 5669B.
That's on me.
Let me just leave your ladies to your You right.
Excuse me.
He lost his doggone mind.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I'd like to begin my petitioning the court for a waiver of jury limits so that all these queens can take part in the proceedings.
- Granted.
- Black lady jury Miss Judge, ma'am, I would like to say something.
Ever since I first stepped in your courtroom, my life changed.
I had never seen so many professional black women in one place.
It inspired me, and I wanted that feeling every day.
So, I went from a successful but lonely small business owner to committing petty crimes and swindles, hoping that it would one day lead me back into a courtroom full of beautiful black goddesses.
You did all of that just to be with us? Yeah, bailiff, I did.
I'm sorry.
Your Honor, I don't represent her, but I would like to plead for the court's mercy on Trina.
I appreciate you, sis, thank you.
She is so dumb.
That's obvious.
Now, Trina, as special as this black lady courtroom is - And black lady jury, Your Honor.
- You better say it.
Say it.
I cannot in good conscience turn a blind eye to the crimes you have just confessed to on today.
Oh, no! Considering this is a civil court and not a criminal court, sustained! You're probably going to jail soon.
Worth it! Black lady courtroom! Black lady courtroom! Black lady courtroom! Forgive me, Your Honor.
Why? Are you the one that hired the second Aunt Viv? Forgive me, Your Honor.
Why? Do you clap on the ones and threes? Please, go, you are getting grease on my chair.
I'm sorry about that.
But leave positive Yelp review.
We are a black-owned business.
Okay, I will.
I don't have any internet.
Do you have a wi-fi and a computer? I have to ask you a question.
- Do you have a bathroom? - Not for non-customers.
Okay, it's good I went in the chair then.
Have you ever had your door get stuck in the middle of the freeway? No, I have excellent credit.
Okay, that's cool.
Can I have some? - No.
- Okay.
- Please go.
- Y'all need any help around here? - Can I just ask you one more thing? - Sure.
Do you think I could ever look like Halle Berry? I had thought when I was younger Cut! Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client refused to come to court until she found a snakeskin shirt, and this is the one she chose.
She's out.
We lost her.
Sorry I am late, Your Honor.
I just found out my client has been impersonating Issa Rae and is now wanted for fraud.
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client decided to enter a Malcom X look-alike competition, and clearly, she lost.
Sorry I am late, Your Honor.
My client said she would not come to court Nope, it's over before it began.
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
My client decided to trick-or-treat, but because she was dressed as Lauryn Hill, she just finished three months late.
Sorry I am late, Your Honor.
My client decided to audition for Princess and the Frog Two and got the frog.
What in the pink oil? What in the Murray's? You laughed! I had already laughed, but I just
Previous EpisodeNext Episode