Alice and Steve (2026) s01e01 Episode Script

[eulogist] Friends are like stars,
even when you can't see them,
you know they're still there.
-And Mike's star will continue…
-[sniffles]
…to shine for all of us.
-[dog whimpers]
-Goodbye, Mike.
["Livin' Thing" playing]
Sailin' away on the crest of a wave
It's like magic ♪
[sighs]
Oh, rollin' and ridin'
And slippin' and slidin' ♪
-Do you think we're meant to go up?
-Don't know.
And you and your sweet desire ♪
-I think we're meant to.
-Do we have to though?
Yeah.
You took me
Oh ♪
Higher and higher ♪
[sneezes]
It's a livin' thing ♪
It's a terrible thing to lose ♪
[chuckling]
What a terrible thing to lose ♪
[music ends]
Do you think April needs saving?
I talked to that man in the foyer
and he was very, very boring.
Yeah, probably.
[Steve] When I die, I don't want
any of this truth bullshit.
I only want superlatives.
"He was a risk-taker,"
"Always the coolest guy in the room,"
"He was generous to a fault."
You will need to say that one probably
'cause no one will actually think that.
You aren't gonna die
and you're my best friend ever.
And if there was a flood,
I would husk out my own mother's body
and use it as a canoe
to get you to safety.
I appreciate that.
[all] To Mike!
["Alright" playing]
-To Mike.
-[patrons] To Mike!
-[friend] To Mike.
-[patrons cheer]
We are young
We run green ♪
Keep our teeth nice and clean ♪
See our friends
See the sights ♪
Feel all right ♪
Three, two, one, go!
[grunting]
[crowd cheering]
We are the Olympic
triple jump champions. [grunts]
[neighbour] Keep the noise down will ya.
Sorry. Our friend died. Sorry.
[shushes]
-[dog barks]
-Don't wake Daniel.
You two, stay down here.
-I'll get it and come down.
-Okay.
[groans]
[Alice chuckles]
-[Daniel] What are you doing, Alice?
-Ow! [groans]
Move your body ♪
Move your body to the rhythm of love ♪
Move your body ♪
Move your body to the rhythm of love ♪
[on headphones]
Move your body ♪
Move your body to the rhythm of love ♪
Move your body ♪
[yells]
[sighs]
Hey.
-Hi.
-Thought you were a ghost.
Did you think being in a crouch position
would help you with that?
Uh, yeah. I do find that it
sometimes helps. [exhales sharply]
Very useful against ghosts. I didn't…
I didn't know you were living here again.
I'm not. I just broke up with Janis.
Oh. Who's Janis?
He is my ex.
I'm doing my masters with him.
I'm sorry.
It's fine. He had the mean gene.
-Oh. Well, fuck him then.
-[chuckles]
Aw. When did you get a dog?
-Hey.
-It's Nancy's dog.
So cute. How is Nancy?
Uh…
She's, um, thriving I would say
since we divorced four years ago.
Still walking her dog?
Yeah. Well, I miss the dog
more than I miss Nancy.
Sorry. Mum didn't say you got divorced.
So, you with anyone now?
Nope. No.
Why is that?
I like to think it's because women are
intimidated by my boyish good looks
but, um, it's probably more to do
with the fact
that I find it hard to commit emotionally.
And, um,
I also use humour as a shield. Uh-oh.
And, uh,
apparently I can be quite selfish,
and that comes from two different people,
so that's something I'm working on.
-A lot of reasons. Many reasons.
-Yeah.
Are you sure you wanna do that?
Last time you got very anxious.
I'll be fine. It won't be a big one.
-[scoffs]
-Steve is… is, like, really upset.
I just feel like
I should be there for him.
Mmm. You're such a good friend.
I know, right?
And you're the best husband.
[whispers] Maybe if we wake up early,
we can have sex in the morning.
Sounds good.
[chuckling]
-Love you.
-Love you.
Oh, Al, could you close the door please?
What are you doing up?
Getting a glass of water. You woke me up.
Oh, look at you in your pyjamas
and your sweet hair.
-[groans] Mum.
-[grunts]
Sorry. Sorry.
Go back to bed, you got school tomorrow.
Love you.
If you only want one marshmallow and you…
Found it.
Found what?
What are you doing here? What's happened?
Uh, Janis and I broke up.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I feel absolutely no urges
to rip his head off and shit in his neck.
Oh. Great. [chuckles]
I've decided he has
Borderline Personality Disorder.
-Sounds right.
-So, would it be okay
if I move back in
just for a couple of weeks?
Of course! Yay!
I mean, not, you know, yay,
but… [stammers] …yay.
-Thanks.
-[sighs]
So, um, we were just about
to go back to this thing, um, for Mike.
A bunch of us are, um…
you know, telling stories about him and…
but we totally, you know,
we don't have to go out if you'd like me
to stay and keep you company.
Yeah, I'd love you to stay.
I'm joking. I'm 26, I'll be fine.
Okay. If you're sure?
Yes, I'm sure. Yeah.
Have fun. [chuckles]
[club music playing]
[sniffs]
[exhales sharply] How old is this coke?
Uh, I don't know.
I think you had the same bag in 2005.
-I'm… I'm gonna wait.
-For what?
Oh, my God.
Are you waiting to see
if I die from the off coke?
-Yeah.
-[straining]
[groans]
I'll miss you.
[sniffs]
Our friend died! He was in his 50s!
Do you think that's old?
-We used to go out with each other!
-Long time ago.
We've known each other for over 30 years!
We met at the Haçienda!
She was on the podium.
Giving it this. Like this.
-[laughs]
-Giving it like this.
These people you're standing with might be
your best friends till you're 50!
How old do you think we are?
I don't know, like 60?
Fuck you!
-Sixty? We don't look 60!
-We don't look 60!
They have no idea how cool we are.
I… I'm a clothes designer!
He invented the Nicole Richie bob.
He's Steve Wild.
-The Steve Wild!
-You know the Wild volumiser.
You think you're gonna be cool
when you're older!
Most of you won't be!
Won't be. Won't be. Might be. Won't be.
-Won't be.
-Won't be.
Might be. Won't be. Will be.
Are there any good jobs
where people stand the whole time?
-Conductor. Conductor's stand.
-Yes.
-Yes.
-Portraitures.
Yes. Maybe I'll cut
people's hair on a stool.
-No one's ever gonna remember my unicorn.
-"Not a manly job, Son."
Your dad is an arsehole!
[sighs]
I wish I was in love.
I wish I was in love and…
and had a baby.
Just have a… You can have a baby.
Men can have babies till they're 90.
Just have a baby.
With who?
There are billions of people
out there, Steve.
It's impossible
that you won't meet one you like.
Anybody would be lucky to have you.
Women our age can't have babies.
So there you go, no baby for Steve.
-So get a younger one.
-I don't want a young…
Ew, a younger one?
Why not? Younger women are
just older women but younger.
Oh, no… [chuckles] …no, no don't, Alice.
No, don't. I'm not in the mood.
-No, I am.
-I'm not.
I'm-I'm gonna find you someone to love.
You deserve to be loved.
No. I'm not even sure that I do.
No, Alice. Don't, please, don't.
Alice, don't.
[sighs]
-[Alice] Sorry to bother you.
-Hi.
-Do you have a boyfriend?
-Um, no, but I'm straight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too.
Um, my friend over there,
uh, he's quite shy,
but he's the best person in the world
and he's famous,
cuts like everybody's hair.
He's done, um, Emily Blunt, Billie Eilish.
Uh, he invented the shaggy bob,
you know, the Nicole Richie one.
Uh, and he's also the sweetest,
kindest man, like, ever.
-Mmm.
-And he's got money
and I wondered if you want to talk to him?
Um…
[chuckles]
-Okay.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Okay!
Yes! Yes!
She wants to talk to you.
No, I don't want to.
-No, she's too young, I can't.
-Why?
I'm a 50-year-old man
and that's when I'm rounding down.
No young woman wants a 50-year-old man
creeping up to her.
They treat us like we're orcs.
You are… You are not an orc.
I want you to go over there
and woo the shit out of her.
That's not a nice phrase.
And kiss her
and stay up all night with her.
She'd be lucky to have you. Go on.
[sighs]
-[dog whimpers]
-Come on.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't take Crosby.
Men with little dogs look gay.
Oh.
-Got him. Yep.
-Look after Crosby.
Hi. I'm Steve from over there.
Hi. Camila.
Camila, hi.
So, you cut hair?
Uh, well, I'm a… I'm a hairstylist.
-I st… I style hair. I-I-I don't cut hair.
-Oh.
I style hair with scissors.
Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know why I'm doing a voice.
It's not my voice. This is my voice.
-You have a nice voice.
-Yeah.
-Oh, thank you. You too.
-Thank you.
Don't call me up ♪
I'm going out tonight
Feeling good now you're outta my life ♪
[clicks tongue]
Gotta leave it behind ♪
One drink
And you're out of my mind ♪
Take it up ♪
Baby, I'm on a high
And you're alone, going out of your mind ♪
But I'm here up in the club ♪
And I don't wanna talk ♪
So don't call me up ♪
Hello.
How may I help you?
Are you Izzy's mum?
Don't call me up ♪
Yes. Ye… Yes. I am indeed.
I'm Mawaan.
I-I went to sixth form with her.
You were always so hilarious, Mrs Asher.
[chuckles] Thanks.
Aw. That's… That's so sweet.
It's lovely to see you again, Mawaan.
Great to see you too.
But it was a game that left scars ♪
Ooh
I'm over you ♪
[mutters]
No.
Uh, do you know Willie Nelson?
-I've been learning Willie Nelson.
-No.
Blue skies ♪
-You know?
-No.
[humming]
But I'm here in the club ♪
And I don't wanna talk ♪
-[exhales sharply]
-What happened?
We had nothing in common.
Oh, how-how-how could you not know
who the Bee Gees are? The Bee Gees.
Where's Crosby?
Crosby?
-Oh, God, Crosby. No. Come on.
-[Alice] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, shit!
Wake up, little buddy. Wake up, boy.
What's happened? What's he eaten?
[patrons clamouring]
Fucking hell, Alice.
You did the course. Do mouth-to-mouth.
[Alice groans]
-Come on, do it! Mouth-to-mouth!
-I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Okay. Uh, tell me exactly
what Crosby ingested.
Pills, uh, for my heart.
I h… I have a heart condition.
And what pills?
[stammers]
Can you tell me specifically?
[Alice] Hmm…
If I give Crosby the wrong medication,
it could kill him.
-He ate cocaine.
-By accident.
It may have been off.
Bogna's a really pretty name.
What if they arrest us?
We could say it wasn't our coke.
[stammers] It was just on the floor.
I would rather go to jail than Crosby die.
Dogs can't eat chocolate, onion,
grapes or class A drugs.
You need to be more careful in future.
I've given him some diazepam
and there are a few extras here
to give him if he gets
distressed in the night.
Thank you.
I'm-I'm so, so sorry.
It's okay. It's fine,
you can't have known that would happen.
Is one of Crosby's eyes
bigger than the other?
[chuckling]
Don't laugh, it's not funny.
I know. I know.
-Have a look.
-[inhales sharply]
No, it's the sa… It's the same.
I'm so sorry.
[Crosby whimpers]
It's okay, boy. It's okay.
Maybe we should both have
one of Crosby's diazepams.
I'm… Oh, I'm joking.
Give them to me.
-[Alice] You need anything else?
-No.
Okay well, I'll be up for ages,
so if you need anything,
anything at all,
even if Crosby's just upset,
you… you just come and get me.
Okay.
-[Steve clears throat]
-Okay?
I'm right here if you need me.
[snoring]
-[Steve] Hello. Oh…
-[gasps] Fuck!
-[Steve] …sorry.
-[Izzy] You scared…
I didn't see you. Sorry…
-Sorry. Steve here, obviously. Uh…
-Yeah.
Yeah, your mum said I could stay.
It's been a bit… bit of a big night.
Why are you under the duvet like that?
Uh… Yeah, fair question.
Um, I noticed very briefly that, uh,
you're not wearing trousers, so I, uh…
-Oh.
-So I thought this would be less awkward,
-but it… but it feels…
-Yeah.
Yeah, maybe it isn't.
Okay, well, it's all right.
Don't worry about it.
I was just getting another drink.
Do you want one?
Yes, please.
So, how bad was your day from one to ten?
[groans]
Uh, it was a strong eight.
-Oof.
-What about yours?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, eight seems about right.
[exhales deeply]
Thank you.
[sighs deeply]
So, why did Nancy break up with you?
Oh, God.
Um, okay, well, yeah, let's discuss this.
[chuckles]
Apparently, um, I didn't do anything,
as in I only reacted
and also I was a lazy fucker.
-[chuckles]
-According to her, her words, not mine.
Now, what… [chuckles] …what about you?
Um, he said that I was too emotional…
-Mm-hmm.
-…and that…
that I said "sorry"
and "I love you" too much.
What a shit you are.
[chuckles] I know.
How could you do that to him?
Yeah. And the sad thing is,
I didn't even really mean it.
-Mm-hmm.
-Like, I was just pretending to be nice
and hiding all my dark shit.
Clever move.
I do that too. Definitely wanna hide that.
[chuckles]
What was the final thing
that pushed him over?
[inhales sharply]
I think I was talking about my wedding?
Oh. Were you… Were you guys engaged?
No. No, um,
I didn't even imagine him being there.
It was mostly just thinking about
the dress and the hair.
Who were you marrying?
No, really I was just thinking about
the dress and the hair.
[chuckles] Well if…
if you ever need a stylist.
-Free, totally free.
-[chuckles]
I can't believe you're single.
-[scoffs]
-[chuckles]
If you'd seen me earlier tonight,
you would absolutely believe
I'm single and will always be single.
I just… I hadn't noticed it before,
but you are weirdly hot.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Not sure about the use of
the word "weirdly" though.
-We… Weirdly.
-Yeah.
M-Maybe you have a weird smell?
-Probably.
-Apparently it's all about smells.
[Steve] Mmm.
-[sniffs]
-[chuckles]
-You smell really nice.
-Thank you, thank you.
[clears throat]
That's nice. [clears throat]
[inhales sharply]
Do I smell nice?
[sniffs] Mmm.
He never usually leaves this early.
I can't bear it if he's angry with me.
What? Why… Why would he be angry with you?
[Alice sighs]
I left my bag on the floor
and Crosby ate something out of it.
Oh. [inhales sharply]
No, I don't think so.
I saw Crosby last night,
seemed completely fine.
And uh, Steve's probably
just a bit rattled, about Mike,
and the funeral and stuff.
[inhales sharply] You're right.
Of course you're right.
[gasps] Ooh.
No. [shouts]
-I love that you're home. [snorting]
-[chuckling]
Is it… Is it selfish that I'm so happy
that you're back?
-Yes!
-Yeah, you're right.
-Of course it is. Sorry.
-It's horrible.
Am I allowed to go and kill Janis now?
No.
You do know I'd kill for you, don't you?
-I'd happily smoosh his smug little face.
-[chuckles]
[doorbell rings]
Ooh, maybe that's Steve!
Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!
Oh. Hi.
I'm Rome.
-Hey.
-[Rome] Hi.
Oh! You're Dom's friend. Come in. Come in.
Um, my mum gets overly excited.
So I'd stick to yes or no answers
if I were you.
And if she starts dancing then look away.
Rome, would you be angry with me
if I'd almost killed your dog?
Yes.
I'm gonna call Steve.
["Do You Trust Me?" playing]
[phone buzzing]
[sighs]
[Steve] Hey, this is Steve Wild,
please leave a message.
-[tone beeps]
-[Alice] Okay, call me.
I'm-I'm worried that you were tired
and you pulled a towel too hard
from your linen closet
and you've been crushed underneath it.
Please don't hate me.
-Love you! Okay, bye!
-[line rings]
[Steve] Hey, this is Steve Wild,
please leave a message.
-[tone beeps]
-[Alice] Okay, it's been over two days.
And now I'm worried that you're dead.
Can you just text me to say you're alive?
[inhales sharply] Love you.
I love you. Goodbye.
[phone beeps]
[singer 1] Yes, I love you ♪
[singer 2] And you trust me? ♪
[phone rings]
[singer 1] I'm not sure ♪
[phone beeps]
Oh, you don't know me ♪
[singer 2] You can trust me ♪
[doorbell buzzes]
[singer 1] I don't know ♪
[music ends]
[exhales deeply]
Oh.
Why are you not answering your phone?
I-I know I shouldn't have come here,
but I'm-I'm finding it surprisingly hard
to stop thinking about you.
I'm sorry, I-I should never have…
Oh, don't apologise.
I mean, that was…
that was excellent sex. Was it not?
Did… Did you like it?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Very much.
Okay.
Very much, but as good as it was, uh,
-we-we can… we can never do it again.
-No, yeah.
You're probably right. You're right.
Yeah.
Good. Good.
[softly] Yeah.
[Steve] Mmm.
It was really good though…
-Oh, my God. It was so good.
-Wasn't it? So good.
Some of those things
I had never, ever tried before. [stammers]
-But we can't do that to my mum…
-No. No, no, no.
-I'm not saying we keep doing it…
-We can't do…
-…I was just replaying it in my head…
-Yeah.
-…a little bit…
-Because of Mum, right.
But we can't do it
because your mum's my best friend.
So we never tell her.
Oh, no. No, no.
No, I don't… Definitely not.
-Mm-hmm.
-Yes. Def… I mean, yes, no, we can't.
We definitely can't tell her.
Just out of interest,
if I wasn't her daughter,
would you have asked me out?
Yeah.
[inhales sharply] Okay. [sighs] Okay.
Where… Where would you have taken me?
To eat food.
-I love eating food.
-Do you?
We have so much in common.
That's one of the things you would've
experienced, but unfortunately you can't.
-So…
-Well, what's your favourite food?
Italian. Spaghetti vongole.
-I love spaghetti vongole.
-Really?
Yes. Favourite song?
You won't even know the song,
you're too young.
But it always makes me cry.
"Blue Skies", Willie Nelson.
Blue skies, shining at me ♪
Nothing but blue skies do I see ♪
[inhales sharply] Tell me something
I won't like about you. Quick!
-I hate swimming.
-I hate swimming too.
-So that's no good.
-I don't like football.
I loathe it. I hate the cold.
I don't like the cold either.
Who likes the cold? It's too cold.
Well, I don't particularly like
being too hot either.
Ah, well, I like the heat.
-So we're not compatible.
-Yeah, no.
That's good, that's good.
[doorbell buzzes]
The… Someone's at the door.
[doorbell buzzes]
Are you sure?
Yes.
You should go open the door.
You should open it. Go.
-Go. [chuckles]
-I'm going.
I'm very cross with you.
Now let me in.
Because I come bearing gifts.
Um… Why don't we go for a walk?
-Leave these here…
-What?
-And we'll go for a nice walk.
-What do you mean? Walk?
No, no walk.
-Come on, fire up the telly…
-Alice…
I've got clothes for Crosby,
wait till you see them.
I've got treats for you both.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, look.
Aw…
What are you doing here?
[gasps] Are you trying to fix our fight?
[sighs] Oh, darling, oh, that's so sweet.
But we're fine. Aren't we? We're fine.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
I slept with Steve.
Sorry?
We, um…
We slept together the night
that Steve stayed over at ours.
But it's not what you think.
I like him.
I actually really, really like him.
And I think he might like me.
And I know this must hurt, Mum.
I see that.
But I want to keep seeing him.
-[chuckles]
-[sighs]
Oh, that's really funny. [chuckles] Um…
[tense music playing]
["Silver and Sunshine" playing]
Silver and sunshine
That's what our love is made of ♪
So precious and bright
How wonderful is our love ♪
Cherries and roses
That's what our hearts believe in ♪
So sweet and so white
How wonderful is our love ♪
In these dark and angry times
When all the laws fall through ♪