#blackAF s01e01 Episode Script

1
["SUPER RICH KIDS" BY
FRANK OCEAN PLAYING]
So I'm making this documentary
as a part of my application
to NYU Film School next year.
But I didn't ask my dad for any of this.
A seven-man camera crew, really?
They shot The Revenant
with less than this, okay?
I probably could've just shot
this on my Galaxy, but, hey,
apparently, my dad hates his
money and wants to make sure
that he spends every
bit of it before he dies.
So, I mean
I might as well get what I can
while it's still here, right?
Start my day up on the roof
[DREA] If this looks like
another douchebag shot
of another fancy Beverly Hills hotel,
that's probably because it is.
This is the Four Seasons Sunday Brunch.
I guess it's supposed to be
kind of, like, a big deal.
I'm kind of like a big deal
I'd have been cool with
a Pop-Tart and some OJ,
but hey, that's just me.
I'm not an asshole.
[LOUD CHATTERING]
So, if you can't tell,
we kind of stick out.
Hey! The manager's coming!
The manager's coming!
[DREA] See, not too long
ago, my dad got some money.
He created a TV show
about a black family.
He also did a couple
movies about black people,
and that one reality show he did
with Tyra, a black supermodel.
Actually, everything he's
ever done has been black stuff
about black things, with black people.
Wow.
Now that I think about it, he's
pretty much just a racial profiteer.
- Reason we're here sticking out today
- [ALL LAUGHING, YELLING]
is because we're celebrating
my dad's new Netflix show.
I don't know exactly what it's about,
but pretty sure it has
something to do with black stuff.
God, he's such a one-trick pony.
- We are not doing this ever again.
- Why?
Because every week I come
and I feel the same way.
- [JOYA] Which is what?
- That we shouldn't do this ever again!
[LAUGHING]
I mean, you ate enough crab legs.
We should take a week off, I think.
- [MAN] Hey, man!
- A crab leg vacation?
Yo, Steve Levitan! What up, bro?
- How are you, dawg?
- I'm good.
[DREA] See that guy?
That's Steve Levitan.
He's not a one-trick pony.
- Good to see you.
- How you been?
I've been great. I
didn't see you in there.
Oh, you know, we're kinda
keeping a low profile.
It's how we do usually.
Yeah. Hey, congrats on your new deal.
Oh, congrats on yours, dude. I
heard you did very, very, very well.
You know, don't believe
everything you read.
I knew it, so you didn't kill them.
- I did pretty good, actually.
- Fuck.
Well, this is us.
- Yeah.
- Take care of yourself, Steve.
You too, Joya.
- Wow Wow! Nice car!
- Is that your car?
That's mine, but this
is, uh, this is sweet!
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah. Uh
Jesus, congratulations, man.
I'd love a car like this.
What else did you get at
the Vin Diesel auction?
[CHUCKLES] That's That's very funny.
[STEVE] Wow. Yeah, that's
But, I mean, if we're going to be
honest, it's a hybrid like yours.
- So there's that.
- Do
Do not apologize.
You work hard. You
deserve a car like this.
I wish I could pull this off,
but then people would say
I'm just driving it because
I have a small dick.
Uh, but they're not going
to say that about you.
Because I'm black?
No, because you got drunk
and pulled your dick out
at the Writer's Guild
retreat. Remember that?
- We all we all remember that.
- I gotta go, Steve.
Oh, yeah. Shoot, that's right.
You're on Tokyo Drift time.
- Ah. Another great joke.
- Okay, fantastic. Listen
- Continued success. Love you.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Love you too.
- Good for you.
Both.
[CAR STARTS]
I fucking hate white people, man.
I really fucking hate white people.
[GEARS GRINDING]
Do you not know how to use this car?
Not Not completely. Shit.
You either with me or against me, ho
Ho
You either with me or
Wait
Win, win, win, win, win
Yeah
Fuck everything else
Win, win, win, win
Win, yeah
["WE FLY HIGH" BY JIM JONES PLAYING]
[DREA] So, this is my house.
I guess it's pretty cool.
I mean, no, it's nice.
It's definitely nice.
I don't know, I guess the
reason I'm saying it like that
is because the truth of
it is, it's a nice house,
but it's a really nice
house for black people.
Which, for me, kind
of makes it less nice.
Wow.
Maybe I am an asshole.
Inside it's always kinda messy
because there's a lot of us,
but I kind of like it like that.
There's my dad, writing in
the middle of the family room,
even though he totally has an
office he could work out of.
Dude, does that seem like
that's comfortable for me?
It's a bad idea, man.
[DREA] I think he sits in
the middle of everybody
because he wants us to all
know how hard he works.
I really don't think
they know how hard I work.
- [SCOFFS QUIETLY]
- [KIDS LAUGHING]
Jo, can I ask you a question?
Hey, stop! Be careful, please!
- Be careful.
- Um, I gotta
Daddy! [GROANS]
- You look cute. Did you shower?
- [BOY] Are you good?
I did shower, yeah.
Thank you for noticing.
Dude, at that brunch, did you feel like
- people were looking at us the whole time?
- No.
They were staring at us the
whole time, like in our face.
- Ah!
- Like we were animals in the fucking zoo.
Well, to be fair, we are a
very attractive group of people.
Plus the sommelier had to break up
two fights that our kids were having.
Since when do you care what people
think about us when they look at us?
I don't care. I mean, I do care,
but I don't wanna care,
but I have to care.
You know what I'm saying?
Nope.
Fuck, dude.
I know I sound crazy, but I'm not, man.
This is that shit, dude. This is real.
This is White Gaze.
I'm going to regret asking,
but what do white gay
people have to do with this?
No, not "gays." "Gaze." Like male gaze.
It's the fucked up way
white people look at us,
and kind of judge us for
every little thing we do.
I said it out loud.
I said, "I'm going to regret
asking this," but I did it anyway.
I always do that.
This is your fault.
It's yours.
You're better than this,
Jo-Jo. Why'd you do that?
I have a really long day ahead of me,
- so I'm just gonna get going.
- I'm serious, dude.
You saw your old boy drove
off in that dirty-ass Prius.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh?
Like, that's just nothing
to you? That's just cool?
No. That's that's
very not cool to me.
Don't placate me. I'm
being serious, dude.
This is some real shit.
It's that bullshit.
You understand? This is
tequila impresario, George Clooney,
- in that stupid pickup truck.
- Mm-hmm.
Or Matthew McConaughey
in a goddamn Lincoln.
- [JOYA] Mm-hmm.
- If I drove a car like that,
I'm just some broke black
dude in a shitty car,
but then if I pull
up and I'm NS-flexing,
I'm some rap monkey who
spent all his money on a whip.
- [JOYA] Mm-hmm.
- I just can't win, dude.
The white man, dude. He's unstoppable.
[DANNY] Not for nothing,
but I happen to love
the way you look in a car
with your fancy sweatsuits.
Boss shit!
Put your hand down, dude!
What are you talking about,
sweatsuits? I didn't mention my clothes.
- What do my clothes have to do with this?
- I just meant I was trying to, um
A sweatsuit is very hard
for a grown man to pull off.
I'm a grown man.
I know, but I'm just saying,
if I could wear a sweatsuit every
day, I would, but I'm not you.
- What is happening right now?
- [DANNY] Wait.
That came off like a
racial thing, but it's not.
- My grandfather loved sweatsuits.
- Your grandfather?
Yeah, well, technically, the nurse
couldn't fit him into regular pants
because of the diaper.
What the fuck?
This this is what I'm talking
about. This is the world we live in.
This is the world we live
in. This guy works for me,
yet still, just dripping
in pure judgment.
- [DANNY] Judgment feels strong.
- Does it?
- It's a strong word.
- This
is pure, uncut, fresh off the
boat, New Balance-wearing
- Are those Sauconys?
- Yeah, those are Sauconys.
[KENYA] White Gaze.
Well, um, technically,
Jews aren't, like, white-white.
- Dude, you are as white as fuck.
- Jews are white. Jews are white.
If some shit went down, you're white.
- There are parts of Belgium I can't walk through.
- [JOYA] Right
But let me just get this clear.
I just want to make sense of this.
So you're saying that your
assistant, who you barely pay enough
to feed himself and clothe himself,
he is the reason that you have to wear
$2,000 sweatsuits and drive fancy cars?
Race cars?
- Are you
- That's his fault?
- Are you being serious? Or
- I just want to know the answer.
- Yeah. I mean, no
- I'm entitled
not him particularly, but yes.
Him and the rest of his
you know, no-shoes-on-in-the-bathroom
wearing cousins,
- they forced me into this life.
- Right.
I don't want to be super
duper fly every day.
- Right. Mm-hmm.
- This is what I've been forced into.
They're turning me into a
peacock, Jo. You're next.
Are those Gucci
dungarees you're wearing?
- Givenchy.
- See? You're next.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna go to
In-n-Out, do you want anything?
- I'm sorry, I just have to ask.
- No, you don't!
- How did I turn you into a peacock?
- No. No.
Oh, you wanna do this? Let's do it.
Let's really have this conversation.
Let's really talk about this!
- You get nothing ever again.
- What?
- No fries. Anything. Nothing off-menu.
- I haven't eaten in a week, please!
You don't get protein-style,
animal-style, nothing.
You're banned from In-n-Out.
I want to tell him, and I'd
like you to listen. Okay?
So, slavery's over, right?
Suddenly some benevolent white
man has just said, "You know what,
all right, darky, your 400-year hard
labor, unpaid internship is over.
Go be free."
He goes on tirades like
this at least once a week.
You learn not to listen.
You know, actually, if I'm being
honest, it's kind of calming.
You know, it's kind of like
one of those wave machines.
It's best just to nod and pretend
like you're paying attention.
Sort of like the way
frontier women did during sex.
[KENYA] So there we are, fresh
out of shackles, in a loincloth.
You hear what I'm saying? You
think we had on Bermuda shorts?
No, it was, whatever you have, get out.
You feel weird now, right?
- I do.
- How did we feel?
- Also probably the same way, but worse.
- [KENYA] Right.
[IMITATING WHOOSH OF WAVE MACHINE]
It's exhausting, but to be fair,
sometimes, every now and then,
he manages to make a decent point.
It's rare, but it happens.
So, let me explain
what he's trying to say.
["I WANT A LITTLE SUGAR
IN MY BOWL" BY NINA SIMONE]
[DREA] So there we
were, broke, uneducated,
and now forced to live with
the very same people who,
for 400 years, had oppressed us.
I want a little sugar
What were we supposed to do?
What would anybody do?
You think about how to make it.
How do you get accepted in
an environment like this?
Most of the time, you don't.
You just end up in jail doing
the same kind of work for free,
you just got finished doing for free.
But for anybody who didn't
want to end up in jail,
you tried to figure
out a way to make it.
And the only reference we had
to when we ever were
treated halfway decent
was when we were in our Sunday best.
That's what they called
the church clothes
the plantation owners bought us
to take us to church and show us
off to the other plantation owners
who were being good Christians.
It created this belief in black people
that presentation equals acceptance.
It basically put peacocking
right into our DNA.
I think that's why
after all these years,
we're still doing the same dumb shit.
[JOYA] Right.
You know how hard it
is to keep all this up?
You don't just wake up in a Euro
size 56 Valentino sweatsuit, dude.
This is a hard-fought, never-say-die,
leave it all out on the field,
constant online shopping
fucking nightmare, D.
I know how important it is to you.
Do you? Because it's
Bergdorf, Mr Porter's, Matches,
and don't let Matches not
have what you're looking for.
Then you got to fucking go Farfetch.
[JOYA EXHALES]
Farfetch. It's like,
fucking, the dark web, dude.
What else am I going to
do? I'm gonna go to Amazon?
Trust something that comes in
two and a half hours to my house?
Put it on my back, go out
and get shot by the police?
[IMITATING WHOOSH OF WAVE MACHINE]
It's epigenetic coding.
It's like basic, basic science.
It's the coding of the epigenetics.
When stressful things happen to
you over a long period of time,
your DNA can literally
change to protect you.
Like if your family lived next to
a wild night club for 400 years,
it's not crazy to think
that your offspring might be
born with smaller ear drums.
Excuse me, uh, what kind of night
clubs did they have 400 years ago?
You know, joke all you want, dickhead,
but what black people
went through, your people,
fundamentally changed our DNA.
Being dripped is literally
part of who we are.
Why do we have so many names for it?
Hot, hard, ill, swaggy, icy, Gucci.
Dripped, dipped, saucy,
flossy, fresh, flames, fuego.
Sharp, suited, money,
mean, clean, smooth. Ooh.
Flex, fleeky, fire, fly, tough, tight.
[LAUGHS]
Well, I'm going to keep it
completely Gucci with you.
I, for one, would be really sad
if you gave up the car, or
the clothes or the chain.
My my chain?
Why'd you bring up my chain?
Yeah, I'm gonna be out for quite a while
and I'm not taking my phone, so
Seriously, dude, why would
you bring up my chain?
For no reason in particular, I just
Dude, no, it has to be
a reason in particular.
You're a lucid man who I employ,
so I think you say things for a reason.
No, I just It's just, you know
such a nice, dope, expensive chain
that, even though I
like, I would never get,
which I can't, because
you garnished my salary
for losing a pair of
sneakers in the mail.
- It was three pairs
- And a sweater you don't know about. Um
Anyway, you know, the whole
thing you got going on,
you know, it's just
cool. Your whole shtick.
My shtick?
Yeah, the
- The whole Kenya thing.
- Dude, get the fuck off my counter, man,
- I eat there.
- Oh, so Sorry.
["MAYBE IT'S TIME" BY
BRADLEY COOPER PLAYING]
That Jewish kid really got to me.
Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die
I mean, like, really got to me.
Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die
Oh, my God! Am I a coon?
It takes a lot to change a man
Hell, it takes a lot to try
[KENYA] Do I need to change?
Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die
[KENYA] Should I get
rid of the NS-flexing?
Nobody knows
What awaits for the dead
Nobody knows what
awaits for the dead
NS-flexing? Did he say that?
They're never letting
him out of that lease.
Every single inch of
that thing is customized.
Spoiler, brake calipers, engine covers.
I begged him not to get it. Begged him.
Hold on, wait. She said she begged me?
- [ENGINE REVS]
- [LOUD WHOOPING]
Better buy this shit right now.
I swear to God if you don't buy
this shit, I will go fuck somebody
with this exact same car.
Do not test me.
Whoo! Ooh, buy this shit!
- My mother.
- [ENGINE REVS]
- I'm sorry.
- [JOYA] Whoo!
That's how I felt.
Are there, like, any other
changes that you're thinking about?
Oh, like, I guess I
I could tone down my clothes a bit.
You know, sort of more normal.
J. Crew khaki with a nice,
like, L.L. Bean fleece.
That could work.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.
He's going to do that?
Have you seen his closet?
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
[JOYA] He's basically
one giant sweatsuit.
The man just has what he
calls "athleisure wear"
which is an insult to
both athletics and leisure.
He can't work out to save his life.
He has a trainer who comes twice a week,
$200 a session, cash.
Pushes him hard.
[KENYA GROANS]
All right, here comes your R.
Fifty you miss.
[SCOFFS] Thousand.
- Fuck! Fuck!
- You're up to eight thousand.
Okay, Dad, so we've
covered your clothes,
your cars, your money.
So I think it's obvious the
thing you need to get rid of.
I'm not divorcing your mom.
Has it crossed my mind? Sure.
I'm a grown man with a pretty fair
amount of disposable income, but no.
I mean, if I had maybe talked
to a lawyer here or there
I'm talking about the chain, Dad.
Do you really need that thing?
What?
Can we Can we cut
this? Can we cut this?
Yo, my man, like, can we cut this?
- Are we off?
- [DREA] Yeah.
- We cut.
- Yo, what the fuck, dude?
[DREA] Oh, my God!
Seriously, you ungrateful little shit,
I'm paying for all this
for you to go to college.
I know. I'm trying to interview you
and you're throwing a
temper tantrum, for what?
Because you know what I'm
going through right now!
- You're a 40-year-old man, Dad.
- It's my it's my chain!
- It's my chain. It's my chain!
- [DREA] This is a little too much.
[DREA] Ah
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- Did you get that?
[KENYA] What's happening?
Uh nothing.
Uh, your, uh
Someone needs to go shopping.
There's not much in the fridge.
- Then you should go shopping, dude.
- Okay.
What part of this job
are you not getting?
'Cause I feel like it's constant,
like, it's the basics
that we have to talk about.
Shopping.
- Assisting.
- Assisting. Right.
And that includes shopping.
Dude, I'm getting rid
of the chain, dude.
Let's not talk about
it. You should be happy.
You're getting your wish.
I'm dumping the piece.
- I didn't tell you to get rid of it.
- What're you talking about, dude?
You called it my shtick in front
of my wife, who I have sex with.
It's not my fault you got insulted.
- First of all, I don't need to know
- Okay, anyway Hello?
Hey, how are you, sir?
Um yeah, I'm I'm
looking to get rid of my chain.
Yeah. It's It's, uh, you
know, it's your classic rope.
I guess it's a figaro, 75 grams.
Why would I buy 75
grams of 14 karat gold?
You want me to talk to him?
- Why would I want you to speak to them?
- Just if you need help.
I don't know that you
own a pair of socks.
- I don't I
- [KENYA] Hello?
Uh, yeah, you know what, sir?
Actually, can I just
speak to your manager?
- [PHONE CHIMING]
- You know, I'm getting a call. I'll call back, sir.
[EXHALES] What's up, Bearby?
Okay, so I need your
opinion on something.
What do you think?
- What the fuck is going on right now?
- What do you mean?
[KENYA] Is that Is that real?
Why is your hair that color?
Well, I dyed it.
Yeah, I can see you dyed it.
Why Why would you do that?
Well, obviously, because
I thought it'd be cute.
Well, it's not. Like, at all.
Like, at all.
- You're such a dick!
- You
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Bearby
[EXHALES]
Jo.
Let me ask you a question,
and I want you to be honest.
Do you know what Chloe did?
Um no?
Wait, yes. Hold on.
It's hard to know what
to do in these situations.
Plausible deniability
is normally my go-to.
If I don't know what Chloe's done,
it means I don't lose hours of my
life getting into it with your dad.
But if I don't know what Chloe's done,
I'm basically admitting
that I'm not a good mom,
which makes him the better parent.
Which we all know, at the end
of the day, is what he wants.
[DREA] You think you
might be overthinking this?
[SCOFFS] I mean, that's
what he wants you to think.
Yes. Yes, I do. I know what Chloe did.
You know what she did
and you're okay with it?
Wait, hold on. What did
she do? I have no idea.
Oh, my God, is she okay?
Please, God, tell me she's okay.
- I'm such a bad mom.
- She has purple hair, Jo.
Oh. That? Yeah, I knew about
her hair. I think it's cute.
That shit's not cute.
It looks crazy, dude.
Our daughter can't walk around
looking like some kind of little thot.
A thot stands for "that ho over there."
He must be getting that
from Instagram comments,
because literally no
one says that anymore.
But, I mean, he's absolutely right.
Chloe's got the flat tummy
tea, the waist trainers,
practically lives in Fashion
Nova, just textbook thottage.
Well, if the worst thing she ever
does is have purple hair, we're good.
[DOOR RATTLING]
Oh, my God, you're such a
bad mom. Like, a failure.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[JOYA] Hey!
[KENYA] Yo, what's up,
birthday boy? How was school?
Awful. No one said "happy birthday."
[KENYA] What? I thought you brought
doughnuts for the whole class?
Those kids don't care about me.
They only cared about the doughnuts.
[JOYA] Oh, sweetie.
Now breathe, you have
to breathe. Breathe.
- [PANTING]
- Slower. In, out. In and out.
Deep breath. There you go. Feel better?
I just I really thought
this was going to be my year.
Guess not. Maybe next year, bud.
It's not too late!
I mean, you still have seven hours left
of your birthday, so let's say
Let's do something fun. You know?
Just you and me. What do you say?
Thanks, but I just
I think I want to put
this one behind me.
You sure? No movies? No pizza?
No, I want to just go up to my
room and be alone with my thoughts.
That's the spirit.
[SIGHING]
Kid's a mess.
You're not gonna go talk to him?
What? I thought this was your thing now.
My thing?
So my mom used to be
a lawyer, but she quit
because, you know, she
had all these kids
- Uh, excuse me. I still am a lawyer.
- We're in the middle of an interview.
Still in very good standing with
the California Bar Association,
an active member.
I was also the editor of my law review,
I clerked for Justice Ginsburg.
I'm pretty sure I'm the
first black woman to do that,
but, you know, life changes and,
uh, Kenya and I made a decision
that I would stay home with
the family, and it's been great.
It's been great to be a
mommy, dabble in some new stuff
and spend quality time with my husband,
which is really, really,
really great and we're so happy,
very happy we made this
decision together. It's great.
[DREA] You already said that, Mom.
Okay, good. Well,
that's 'cause it's great.
I shit my diaper, Mommy.
I don't know too much about kids,
but he speaks really well for his age.
[JOYA SIGHING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
It's fine. Everything's fine. I got it.
Look at this kid. Face
of an angel, right?
Biggest liar in the world.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Still fine! Everything is so fine.
I I got this.
Just an insatiably compulsive,
pathological fucking liar.
Stink!
Wh What's up?
All right.
Izzy, do you want to explain
why your face is blurred?
Because this thing is stupid.
I'm sorry, uh, do you mind putting
your answer in your question?
[IZZY] Oh, sure. My face is blurred
because this thing is stupid,
so I won't sign the waiver
and I don't want to have
anything to do with this thing.
But this "thing" is a documentary
to help me get into film school.
Come on, dude. We both
know this isn't for you.
Dad's just going to take
this footage and sell it.
It's who he is.
But, if he does
[CHUCKLES] Excuse me. When he does,
the leverage I'll have
will be incredible.
There's even a chance I
could get a "Created by."
The way her mind works,
it's just amazing.
And scary.
She has no code.
We're all very afraid of her here.
Okay, Dad, um, before we start, I'm
gonna need you to sign something.
- What?
- Really quickly.
[KENYA] What is this?
Since you're Izzy's legal guardian,
if you sign this, I don't
have to blur her face.
Does she Does she know
that I'm signing this?
Well, obviously not.
Will she know that I signed this?
- No, I won't tell her, Dad.
- Okay.
Thank you. I mean, she's
going to see it after, but
you're you're cool.
It's It's good.
You're okay, right?
It's fine.
You know, I have to stay here with her.
So do I. I mean
But you didn't sign anything.
I'm doing this, Dad.
No, fuck that. Give me that back.
- Dad, I
- No, I'm not
- This is for school.
- I'm not signing that.
- You're scared of a 13-year-old.
- I know what she's capable of.
I'm terrified of her.
We're all very afraid of her.
[CHILDREN'S SHOW PLAYING ON TV]
You gonna finish those Samoas?
I I was.
[CHATTER CONTINUES ON TV]
[DREA SIGHS]
Come on, Pops. Cheer up.
Maybe they just didn't
know it was your birthday.
They knew.
The teacher wrote it up on the
board right next to the homework.
You literally can't miss it.
I was helping those
kids and no one cares.
You know, maybe you
should just end it all.
- I can help you.
- [DREA] Izzy!
- What?
- [DREA] Stop.
It's only gonna get worse from here.
["MO BAMBA" BY SHECK WES PLAYING]
I got hoes calling
A young nigga phone
Where's Ali
With the motherfucking dope?
Okay, so Mom, maybe
you wanna just, like,
explain what you're
doing and who you're with.
Who we're with?
Yeah.
You mean John and Kara?
Yes, Mom, set the scene.
Come on, we're literally weeks into this
and you still don't know how this works?
Right! Sorry. Okay.
So John and Kara are people
I went to law school with.
Kara has just moved out here because
she got a big job with Greenpeace,
and I just thought, if I ever
want to start practicing law again,
it's a good door to keep open.
Plus, I wanted to just
catch up with my old friend.
[SCOFFS]
Isn't this the "friend"
that you refer to
as "the worst kind of white liberal"?
[JOYA] Oh, yeah.
Kara's an insufferable
asshole, don't get it twisted.
But, you know, I thought I'd
welcome her to town and
just remind her that I'm
a better lawyer than her
and if I wanted to, I
could come for her job.
Wow. [SCOFFS]
Oh, stop it. You know I'm petty.
I don't try to hide that fact.
- [DREA, UNDER BREATH] Oh, my God.
- It's who I am.
So ever since I took the general
counsel job at Greenpeace
- Oh, my God, congratulations. That's big.
- Congratulations.
Thank you, I know.
I just, I've been trying to make
a really conscientious effort
to reduce my carbon footprint.
- I guess both of us, right?
- Yeah.
Just, downsizing to a smaller house,
cutting back on our electricity,
just living simpler lives.
You know, it's good for
the planet, good for us.
- Yeah.
- It's great for the planet, you know?
Yeah, I get that.
Do you?
I Uh, yeah. [LAUGHS]
Sorry, I just I remember
you in law school, like,
I don't know, she was
I just always remembered you,
like, defending the bad guys.
Like, the big corporate
conglomerate, you know?
Like big tobacco and a lot
of people thought [MUMBLES]
I'm surprised you would say that.
I mean, you should know
better than anyone that
everybody is deserving
of counsel. Right?
I mean, you can't decide who
the bad guys are, you don't know.
You kinda do though, right?
You don't have to be twirling a mustache
to know it's a bad guy. [CHUCKLES]
But I guess it's been so
long since you've worked,
I've just forgotten what
kind of law you practice.
Jesus Christ, it's Robert De Niro.
[JOYA] Oh, yeah. Bobby!
Bobby! Bobby D! Bo
He didn't see me.
Yeah, we were founding
members of this club together.
- We were?
- Mm-hmm.
Is it hard to get into?
- Not I mean
- Super duper, duper hard.
Like, virtually impossible, like
Illuminati level.
Yes. It's hard. It's
Yeah, it was an application.
Anyway, what were you saying about
your tiny, tiny house
with no electricity?
It's who I am. [GIGGLES]
Anyway, you guys were talking
about taking a trip somewhere?
Yes.
Yes, we're gonna take a nice, long,
relaxing, emissions-free
drive up the coast to San Fran.
John bought a Volt. Pre-owned.
A A Volp?
- Volt.
- Volt.
It's a electric car. You don't
worry. You'll never see one.
Like a Tesla?
Uh, no. It's in the family.
But our therapist
said that the open road
can be a great release
for a relationship.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God, are
you having marital problems?
[STAMMERING] I'm sorry,
I I meant, that's
That sounds rough. I'm sorry.
Thanks, but we're gonna
be okay. I believe in us.
Plus, we're just adding
anal to the repertoire, so
- [KENYA] Whoa.
- [JOYA CLEARS THROAT]
That's always good.
So, um
San Francisco's supposed to be great.
Yes. San Francisco, right.
Uh, yeah, should be a good time.
In fact, I don't know what
you're doing this weekend,
but the Bay is supposed to be
beautiful at this time of year.
- I can imagine.
- Yeah, in fact, on Saturday night,
the Warriors are
having this family fest.
Oh, I fuck with G State.
Tickets, two-for-one,
and unlimited beverages as long
as you bring your own Thermos.
Wow! That's a real steal.
So, hold on, I have to
bring a Thermos to a game?
- [JOHN] Yeah.
- You don't have to do anything.
[KARA] I don't think this
trip is really their speed.
We're gonna be camping under the stars,
just outside the city all weekend.
Well, it's not It's
more like glamping.
Oh, glamping. I fuck with glamping.
You fuck with glamping? When
have you fucked with glamping?
I'm just saying it's
glamorous camping, right?
[JOHN] Yes! Hey, if
you two are interested,
I bet there's still a
couple yurts available.
- Yurts?
- Yurt? Spell that.
It's like a tent, you know?
Oh. Just say "tent."
[KARA] But the correct way is "yurt."
It's disrespectful
to, uh, certain people.
- Who?
- Um, aboriginal, I believe.
You're just going to an aboriginal
San Franciscan camping trip?
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh! This is my daughter
calling from USC film school.
I don't know if you've heard of it?
They call it the Harvard of the West.
I think that's Stanford.
It's totally Stanford.
- Hi, babe!
- [CHLOE] Hey, Mom.
- I need to speak to her.
- No, I don't want to talk to him.
- She doesn't Please don't do this now.
- Don't give a fuck. I don't care.
Do you want books? Do you want tuition?
[JOHN] She's really grown up. Hey!
Look at that hair! Purple? [LAUGHS]
Jo, you're one of those cool moms, huh?
- So hip-hop, girl.
- Lit!
- Litty.
- Litty!
- [KARA CHUCKLING]
- [MOCKING] Litty.
I'm gonna go.
So hip-hop, huh?
What what do youmean by that?
I just You know, that she's, like
super trendy, you know,
like Jay-Z, or like Cardi B.
Oh, I love Cardi B. Oh, my
God, that song with Maroon 5.
[KENYA] Mm.
There it was. Fresh, pure, uncut,
straight off the boat, nose bleed
in the greatest night of your life
White Gaze.
You were right.
Thanks, babe.
Racism. Bet on it.
You know that Cardi B is,
like, super successful.
No, yeah. She's so fun.
Okurrr! [LAUGHS]
By "so fun" do you mean
she literally ended the
government shutdown with one tweet?
By "so fun" do you mean
the first female rapper
to reach number one on the
Billboard Hot 100 and win a Grammy?
- You guys know a lot about Cardi B.
- It's a lot.
[KENYA AND JOYA] She's so fun!
You guys also know a
lot about purple hair.
[JOYA] For future reference,
I have no interest in your opinion
about my daughter or her hair.
That's just if we're keeping it real.
I mean, we might argue
amongst ourselves,
but if you come for our family,
you gonna get that smoke.
- You don't want that smoke.
- Mm-mm.
- Blahp, blahp, blahp.
- Brr, brr!
Now that I think about it, maybe
we will go to San Francisco.
We're not fucking with a yurt,
but we can get a huge suite
at the Ritz Carlton, right?
Pop some Cristal, you
know, on some hip-hop shit.
Hip-hop shit.
And maybe hit up that
Warriors' game? Right?
- We gotta go there.
- Dub City.
Courtside seats, of course.
Nobody's doing Thermoses.
- I mean, we're not animals.
- No.
And we should call Jermaine
and see if we could fly up there
instead of taking the Volp.
Yeah, but apparently, that
drive is so nice, right?
It's a really nice drive.
I'm gonna tell you this, you
know what it's not as nice as?
A private jet.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
So, you know how, in most
marriages, there's, like, a balance?
If If one person eats too much,
then the other person eats like a bird?
Or if one person drinks too
much, then the other one's sober?
- Yeah, that's not our parents.
- No.
Yeah, they're both just
equally horrible people.
- The worst.
- [SIGHING] Exactly! Oh, my gosh.
When it comes to, like, pettiness,
fiscal irresponsibility, and basically,
being on the same page
about the wrong shit
- they're like the Menendez brothers.
- Okay, no.
They're not like the Menendez
brothers. They are the Menendez brothers.
- Yeah.
- Boom.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
- So we should skedaddle.
- Yeah.
[BOTH] Aw.
- So soon?
- Oh, right. Uh
- No, no, we got this.
- No, no, no
Literally nothing to us.
- [KENYA] It's hip-hop shit.
- [JOYA] Hip-hop shit.
- Okay.
- [JOYA] See you in San Fran.
- Yes.
- Oh.
Thermos boys!
- Yes.
- That's my guy.
Right.
Um, you know, the valet's a cash valet.
- [JOHN] Oh, I'm good.
- Oh, you guys need cash?
We got cash.
- Make sure you take care of him?
- [JOHN] No, I am all good.
Please take care of him.
[KARA] No, come on.
Do not take their cash.
[EXHALES]
[KENYA SIGHS]
We are not going to
San Francisco, right?
- Fuck no!
- [LAUGHS]
Come on. [CHUCKLING]
- I love you, babe.
- I love you too.
You know what?
I'm actually glad I
kept this thing, dude.
Yeah, live your life.
I'm not gonna let other
people define my stuff for me.
No, you're successful, you deserve it.
I agree. I'm gonna be
happy with who I am.
Oh, look! Scooter Braun.
- Scooter B!
- Oh. Hey, how are you, buddy?
- Long time no see. Hey, how are you?
- [JOYA] Hi.
- Nice to see you.
- You as well.
- What's going on?
- You know, just working.
Just killing the game,
though, I mean, Ariana,
- Justin, Demi.
- Thank you, appreciate it.
You know, he's doing pretty well.
I heard about the Netflix deal.
Congratulations. Coming
to America. Incredible.
Thanks, man. Next time we're in town,
- let's please do it for real.
- I'd love that.
- Great seeing you. Take care. Honestly.
- You too.
By the way, nice chain.
[DREA] Any last comments about
the dinner or anything? Just
[EXHALING] I fucking
hate white people. I do.
I tried not to, but
this is where I'm at.
And I'm just gonna I fucking
I fucking hate white people.
Okay.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- [KID] Mom!
- [WOMAN] Shh! Daddy's working.